You wanker!
Welcome to Kongen Befaler, the program where our five comedians-
- solve both subtle and ingenious tasks cooked up by me.
We’re in the Christmas mood, and especially...
Finale mood! For today it will be decided -
who wins the season's grand prize:
A bust in gold of me.
Who will it be? Will it be Vegard Ylvisåker?
Will it be Maria Stavang? Will it be Bård Ylvisåker?
Will it be Siri Kristiansen? Or Calle Hellevang-Larsen?
Whoever sees, sees.
Olli Wermskog. You are here as Santa’s little helper.
Can you take us through what the position looks like-
before we get started with the season's last five tasks?
I can. We can put the score up on the board here.
-This is the combined score. -What?
- It's close. - Vegard is leading, and Maria is last.
I did not know that it was so bad.
- I knew that. - It's pretty even.
The top and bottom are close. Here we go!
-It's Christmas. It is delicious. -Yes, it is okay.
- Sorry, but I love Christmas. - It is nice.
But there are not that many who care about what you love, Olli.
No.
What did the participants bring today, Atle?
They have brought something that will change the life of the winner.
-Oi. -Who should we start with?
-Can I decide since it's Christmas? -No.
-We start with Siri. -Yes.
-This is... -It's something life-changing.
This is something many people want, but that is almost impossible to get hold of.
If you get this, life becomes completely different.
I have obtained a disability certificate.
-Boom! -You don't have to see anything else.
-Gee. -It is valid until 2021.
-You can park wherever you want. -For almost two years.
-Woohoo! -Bård, what are you up to?
-Hi. Yes, it is ... -Yes, it's your turn.
I have something that can work like a regular reflective vest.
But it has something to do with it, namely…
One ... I can read from an email.
"Hi, all the parents of Class 10G. Hope that summer ...
Then it’s our turn to be Night Ravens. [citizens’ patrol] It's great if you ask.
We want five adults. Four, plus one reserve."
I must not read everything. It starts at Majorstua, [area of Oslo] -
- then you walk up towards Borgen. [another area of Oslo]
Whoever wins this will be a Night Raven for an evening.
Yes, it will be a few more nights, then.
-That's nice. - This is a little difficult, -
because you want to win the evidence, but it is included in the purchase.
So, this is not a joke. This must be done.
I'm not going to, unless I win.
-Vegard, what have you got? -I've allied myself with my wife.
-She's at home and ready. -Parat?
With four different applications ...
... to become a plan sponsor for a child in Benin.
It's for ten years and 1000 kroner [~US$111] a month.
-And... -It's the maximum amount, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
So whoever wins this must part with 120,000 kroner.
- Over the next ten years. - Yes.
Yes. Maria?
This is a mirror that magnifies your face by ten.
Yes. There are some ladies here who know what I'm talking about.
- Is it your face or ten other faces? - Ten of your face. You see...
You see your face in HD so it will change your life, because you realize -
- how ugly you are. - So all the flaws appear.
-All the blackheads, all the pores. -You can see whole colonies-
-in your skin. So good is the mirror!
Yes, it didn't say it was change your life for the better.
-Don’t do it. -I had such a mirror once.
I mounted it over the toilet, so that when people were visiting,
- they just see a fat version. It was...
It can change your life after all for something better -
- depending on where you are. -Calle.
I have one thing that will change your life to become more comfortable.
Life is decidedly more comfortable.
I brought a catheter, as you can ...
You can put it in yourself. It has a very thick snake.
-You know it. -It depends a bit.
- For this to go into the penis. - Or in the vagina. But in the urethra.
- But insert it. - Insert it.
-Is it your own? -The hose is new, but the bag is used.
After all, it's so easy to insert a catheter into yourself.
You don't have to go to the bathroom. You can just sit and enjoy yourself.
- And let it flow freely. - Fantastic.
Okay.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, yes.
It is going to be hard to give you the maximum for that, Calle.
It's such a tough competition, so you end up in last place.
-Vegard. You come in next to last. -What?
It gets too expensive. That's a very good thought.
Not least to the child, but I think -
- if that child should get 120,000 kroner [~US$13,377] in ten years ...
-Yes. -You've been pulling too hard.
-Okay. - It will work against its purpose.
All the other toys together, and he has wanted a lot of money.
-He gets polo shirts, and ... - He's going to be killed.
-... speaks Bærum. [Oslo suburb] -You've signed his death sentence.
It means amazingly enough that Maria gets third place.
-See. Do you want to try it? -No.
Bård, you get second place. The idea was good. That's a nice thought.
But the winner is Siri, who has the absolutely amazing proof.
- We can put up the scoreboard. - It's not surprising.
It’s Siri who has five points after the first task.
Now let's have some Christmas cheer, Olli.
Yes, Christmas is a time of candlelight, so we let it light.
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas!
What?
Yes, it's Christmasy mood.
I want to light that candle.
But I’ll wait until I open the letter.
Oh yes. Sudan is there.
"Burn down as much of the candle as possible in 15 minutes."
"Time starts now." Yes.
Light a candle for hope and for joy.
This should be pretty clear.
Yes. Here it is important to burn as much of the candle as possible
within 15 minutes. The one who is left with the least wins.
Yes, and I'll start with Siri.
-Yes. - It started so well.
I think there’s a microwave in the kitchen.
I've never owned one, so I just know that it warms from the inside.
And that things can explode. Both of those things sound good.
To be completely honest.
I must have something in it, so I don't overpower it.
No, but then it just has to be in here.
There are three possible outcomes here.
It melts. It explodes. Nothing happens.
It smells like candles, but it is 1000% intact after all.
Why? That's the sound of "off", isn't it?
This is the sound of "done". Okay, cool it.
And here you have to ...
Why? Hello?
So ... What happens?
What's up? Off. On.
Bollocks.
If Atle's family wants to give him a Christmas present, -
- then I can say that he wants a microwave.
Are you happy with your time spent?
You spent 14 minutes on the microwave, and 1 minute ...
... to melt the candle.
-You don't have to answer. - I've been at all the tasks.
It's not often I get embarrassed and leave the room because of the solution.
You should have to never change tactics.
- Before 1 minute left. - Yes, we need to see more.
Do you want results first? -Yes.
This candle weighed 1.4 kilograms.
-You got 118 grams. -Yes, yeah, yeah.
It is good.
We need to move on. Who is it now, Olli?
I have chosen Vegard, Bård and Maria.
I give the movie a title: "One drawer and two solutions".
Yes, okay. But it's not just the ... I'll get another heat source.
I think I’ll do that in the garage.
Oh! This is perfect.
Yes. Perfect.
I'm really a coward when it comes to flames.
I think I should keep as much distance as possible.
I'm going to spray it sideways, so it creates a kind of funnel.
-What's the time? -You have seven minutes left.
It is not a difficult task, after all.
-It's not going. - As long as you fix it properly.
Yes, but you can't ...
You can't solve it in a good way.
I really hope that no one has tried to do this inside.
If you do, you're a stone idiot.
Now I enjoy myself.
Yes. I can agree with that.
Yes.
Is that a good sign that more of the crew have left?
You’re not afraid of a little lighter.
Okay.
Come on!
It goes surprisingly late.
It has started to get hot. The globe has got a decent pit.
Just outside Africa. That's fine.
Now I enjoy myself immensely.
Hold the beam, Stavang!
It's almost so you can walk and weigh again.
"More contact surface,” the physicists think. OK, fine.
Nerds.
- Oi. - It's pretty hot.
Work now, then. Work on it now.
Yes.
I feel it in my ironing arm. But it was fun.
Maybe I'll win it.
If Vegard doesn’t put it in a bucket and set fire to it.
-Yes, there's a lot to grab here. -Yes.
I have to ask you first, Bård.
-Have you heard about HMS? [Health, safety, environment worker ID] -Yes.
- I've never been concerned about it. - No.
Maria, have you heard of anyone lighting a hammer?
Then we hammer a light tonight, we hammer it for joy.
-Have you heard about it? - I think I was angry.
-Because it wasn't so successful. -What?
-You don't accept hammering. -Not as a way to light it up.
She tried to light the candle, but to break it ...
It didn't help. So she gets zero, then.
No, you had the candle lit for a little while.
It was between 10 and 20 grams that you got off.
But Bård, you burned up 664 grams.
-Yes, yeah. -And Vegard, 1361 grams.
You're very close.
- That's very good. - You're in the lead.
It was more or less 100%.
-39 grams. -But possible to beat!
-Absolutely. Shall we look at Calle? -Yes.
Okay.
There, yes.
Let's see if we can find something in the garage ...
Perfect.
We use this grill here.
-What do you do with them? - It'll stay. Yes.
- What are you up to? - More lighter fluid.
Never mind, I just do it like that.
It's a little close to the garage.
Classy, ​​this one.
Yes, yes, yes.
Five.
Four. This is a fire blanket. Three.
-Two. - Does it have to look like this?
One.
And zero.
- It smells a little toxic. - Very toxic.
Yes. Calle, at least you won the competition-
- "Burn up as much flammable liquid as possible”.
-Yes. -You spent 8 minutes getting a fire.
It is reflected a bit. You were very close.
1154 grams. In other words, it means second place.
Vegard, you ran away once again with the victory.
- It's a three-way tie. - Oi!
Very close. Now it is almost time for gift giving -
but first a little advertising.
Welcome back to Kongen Befaler.
Now we're getting around to what Christmas is really all about.
Yes, gifts.
Hello. Father Christmas.
That’s nice.
"Merry Christmas. Buy Atle a Christmas present that he needs."
"Best gift wins. You have 100 days.”
The task is as simple as it is brilliant:
Give Atle a gift he needs.
- A bit narcissistic. -That's how it's supposed to be.
Now I can do what I always want on Christmas Eve.
Rank the gifts.
Let's see, I wonder if we start with Bård.
I wanted to give you something that might last for a while.
And that could mean something more than just a gift.
-No. -He did the same thing as me.
It looks cheap.
So I got my own star.
Up in the sky. You bought a star.
-Atlas Antonias. -Yep.
It’s fun, but it’s also humbug.
-No. -They who sell this, own it?
No, but they own the registry system.
You haven't got the star, it is registered in your name.
- See the date it is registered. - The date is ...
-My birthday. -Yes.
Boom! There he sat.
- It was fine, then. - It was a nice thought.
I got a lot of pleasure out of it with my kids
-to look up and know that there is Atlas Antonias.
If I had joy in my body again, I would have appreciated it.
Yeah, who's to top it off? Siri?
Yeah, I just have to make up for it, me.
Is it too heavy to lift?
-I could lift it. - Do you tend to give gifts like that?
So good, then.
- No, I know what it is, Atle. -You know?
Yes, it's a microwave.
-Very good. -Cheater.
It should only be missing after you ruined my previous one.
-That’s absolutely right. -So you make up for it.
-Yes. -Vegard. What are you up to?
It is difficult to understand. Can I open it and explain?
- Do you always tend to do that? -No.
You will be allowed if it is a prerequisite for understanding the gift.
I just have to say it was summer when we got the task.
Then it was some time. And then I remembered the number 100.
That's what I remembered. That with 100 days I turned.
I thought it was 100 kroner. So I bought ...
... on a budget. I stayed under 100 kroner [~US$11].
I had to find something for you, and you love to travel.
Therefore, you can get this one here.
This is a 99-kroner airline ticket on Wizz Air.
I've created a profile for you, so you are part of their rewards program.
-It is... -Okay.
Atle Antonsen. And then it's a flight from Torp.
To Katowice in Poland, which is a ... I'm just reading up.
No, you haven't been. "You have to have a special aesthetic sense -
- to call Katowice a pretty city."
- Is that included in the description of the place? -Yes.
It is one of the few cities without a main street -
but with a freeway through town.
- It's their own words? - Yes, and I printed out-
- popular experiences. There are twelve things.
And seven of them are transport to and from the airport.
Thank you.
It was so small, you should say then. Because it was.
-Maria. -Yes.
Oh, you're proud of the gift. It's a very good start.
But I've seen you like this before, and it's not always ...
I know you have everything you need in your life.
But you don't have this one, because it is one of a kind.
Look at this.
"Maria Stavang went to Kongen Befaler, -
and all I got was this lousy T-shirt".
Yes. Calle.
I have a gift for you.
- My ticket to heaven. - I think it is, actually.
I don't know you very well, but I have now proven-
- what I thought about you: You feel the best -
- when others feel uncomfortable.
Yes, that's right.
It's more of an experience than a gift.
-But you have to keep things. -It's law, that.
With it you will be able to cut a relatively short forehead on me.
Should I sit there?
-Yes. In front of me. - Go the other way.
- Are you going to cut me from behind? -No, I'll get to this.
Now there are two pieces here that look like Cecilie Leganger [retired athlete with bangs].
-We start here. -Yes.
It can be good. There, yes.
I'll just straighten up a bit.
- Keep a little tail. - Does it look good?
Yes. It's successful, that.
-Do you want it? -Yes.
Yes.
Have you seen...
-It was pretty nice. -Yes!
And I expect ...
But it was a gift. -Are you ready to score?
I'm really ready to give points.
- You get one point, Vegard. - No!
Unfortunately. It was nice and fun -
- but I'm not going to go there. - What?
I choose to give Bård two points. Three points to Maria.
Yes. Siri gets four points.
And Calle, it goes without saying. Look at the boy!
Yes. It was fantastic.
Christmas is more than candles and nice gifts.
-It's Christmas movies, too. -Yes.
Should we see a little task about Christmas movies?
-Yes. Merry Christmas. -I'm looking forward to this.
Look here, yes. No, so cute!
Thank you.
Release.
"Make a stop-motion Christmas classic."
-I have to move shapes and take pictures? -Yes.
- It's stop-motion. May I film? -Yes.
With? Oh yes. Hi, camera.
"The one who gives the most Christmas spirit to Atle wins."
This is what I liked when I was a tiny boy.
But now I'm an adult.
Like that, and then you press here.
Yes. I'm not negative about the task.
I go out and do it.
It's about a good old craft here.
I'm excited. I'm looking forward to it.
You have the opportunity to dub the movie live if you wish.
And to make a pitch, so we can start with Vegard.
-Oi. -May I?
No, you know what? We start with Vegard.
It is nice. I don't want to introduce my movie.
-I made an intro on location. -Ok, then we look at it.
Oh, hey, Atle.
I hope you are looking forward to Christmas, and have a real Christmas spirit.
If it lacks a little extra, now just before the holiday, -
- then I have made a little Christmas classic for you.
It should get you right into the perfect Christmas mood.
Roll film.
It's called "Elephants". Oh, I want to go home.
It's so hard to have a Christmas mood in Africa. We have to reach the plane.
Oh no! An elephant is stuck!
- We have to help him. -But then we won't get to the plane!
We have to help. All good works will pay off.
- You get tenfold back. - OK then.
My hands came. Oh, thank you very much! But we don't get the plane!
Fortunately we are magical elephants -
- that can create Christmas mood, even in Africa!
And they lived happily ever after, then the elephant adventure was done.
Thanks.
Yes. I have to say that in the beginning when you sat in the chair-
- then I got the Christmas mood. - Thanks.
- It lasted until your movie began. - Yes, but it came back in the end.
-It was too late. -Okay.
We'll see. It may turn out that you are the best anyway.
It's happened before.
We have more movies to watch, -
-but I think we should wait and save it for after the advertising.
Welcome back to Kongen Befaler.
We tremble with excitement before the premiere of Bård's film.
-It's the one you want to see. -Yes.
Then we look at it.
Yes. I'm tempted to call it crafty.
- Not bad. - Did I take too long?
-How long did it take? - Very long.
Do you know what to see?
- Maria's we should see. - Yes. Maria, the word is yours.
No matter what I say, it's not going to help.
-Okay. You have to live dub. -I'll try.
It is good.
Hello. It's your wife and your kids.
There you are, you get a grape and lighter fluid as a gift.
Did you like the gift? Yes. Oh, you got a car!
Oh no. A lion. He eats your kid and you.
He eats your other kid.
- That was dark. - Shall we look at the next one?
Now, since it is Christmas, you will be allowed to decide who’s next.
-Really? -Yes.
-Take advantage of the opportunity. -Calle, the word is yours.
We can enjoy ourselves and laugh when it's Christmas.
But Christmas is also a time when many feel outside.
This is what my movie takes up to the highest degree.
You should also do your narration live.
I will do that. Absolutely.
My movie is called “Queer Atle and the Magical Snowmen".
Christmas holidays in the small village of Kvarskadlyngdalsdalen-
... in full swing, and the kids play in the toboggan run.
Ready, set, go! Chang won! We're taking the wave!
As punishment, you have to pull him up the hill, Alex.
Stress, I need a break. To see. An eagle.
Who's the weird boy?
It is Atle who comes walking. He is new to the village.
My name is Atle. Can I help out?
With the weird body? You are totally queer and stiff!
Queer Atle!
You can try. You can borrow my sled, Queer Atle.
Queer Atle borrows a toboggan, and starts to drift.
He loses control, crashing into a tree and fainting.
What a loser you are, Queer Atle! We're leaving!
Atle is lying down while night falls.
Suddenly the snowmen come to life.
Now we can move ... What's this?
There's a boy here. He has fainted. Wake up!
Wake up! What happened?
I can't handle it. Nobody wants to play with me because I have a strange body!
Poor him, we have to do something.
- Shall we snow him? - Yes, we snow him. Now sleep, Atle.
When you wake up, you will have received a magical gift.
-A normal body? -No, it's probably crooked forever.
Now sleep, Atle. Sleep, and I'll explain everything.
The next morning, the kids are back at the toboggan run.
What kind of weird snow pile? It's Queer Atle!
I had a weird dream about magic snow.
Look at his weird toboggan! A stand-up slab for odd people!
I got some of the snowmen they called skis.
They are sharp and made of iron. I can go faster than everyone!
And cut through you because you are laughing at me because I have a strange body!
Yes, my children. Do not bully. Then it will go wrong.
Bloody wrong. Merry Christmas!
Fantastic. This is the best craft to date.
I've heard it takes so long to animate, often several years.
-It's amazing what you've done. -Thanks.
A little more applause. This was impressive.
But life is too short to give people more praise than they deserve.
- We have another movie left. - Yes, someone who can top it here.
- Should we just have a look at Siri's? - Yes.
Siri.
You hang your head.
-Don't point at me, everyone laughed! -Siri, don't you believe?
No one here has it.
-Including yourself? - It's hard for me to think in 3D.
Yes. Want to say something about ...
-Merry Christmas! - Then we look at Siri's.
You don't want to dub?
You have no narration.
Yes.
You didn't even bother to walk away from the background.
You just sat there.
Is it allowed to mention that many in my family -
are professional animators?
You are badly lying now.
-Have you decided? -Yes, it's not that difficult.
Siri is automatically in last place.
Vegard, you have a good craft.
-Thanks. -But this with Africa ...
Okay.
It's too far away, Lillehammer to Africa.
It won't be Christmas mood in Africa.
-Call me racist. -Yes. Agree.
Two points for you. Maria ...
Three. You get three points. You deserve less, I know.
But you get three points. Okay.
Four points ... I liked yours, Bård.
But no one gets past that Calle has the best movie.
Congratulations, and your hair is pretty, too.
Now we are getting ready for the very last task here in the studio.
Dear participants, come on stage.
Ho, ho, ho.
It's Christmas Eve night. You have to deliver gifts.
But there are no parking spaces on the roof.
So you have to pull the gifts behind you-
- up from a distance, where you stand now.
The one with the most gifts in the chimney when there are no more gifts left, wins.
OK? Do you have questions?
- Yes. Maria. - Is Santa Claus allowed to go that way?
Yes, before 2018 he was allowed, but not anymore.
-Then we start. Are you ready? -Yes!
Oh yes. It weighs a little.
-Oi. -No!
It was the easiest to get to, and I managed to bomb.
-Yes. -Yes!
- It's full. - Oi!
I wonder what this is.
Like that.
The task is over.
Then we take a small count. Sit down.
Then we'll decide tonight's winner,
-and who in total wins!
Then all the suspense will be released!
First, let's see how it went tonight.
We also go to the overall winner. Olli, get going.
You hit the chimney in varying degrees. There was one who got zero gifts.
- It was you, Maria. - Yes, I gave up.
-I would rather look inside the presents. - Well, you only got one gift.
- It was absolutely lousy. - Yes, that was it.
Calle and Vegard, split second place.
First place was Siri with five gifts. Very good!
- Then we can look at the board. - That means today's winner ...
- It's Calle! - Yes!
He runs off with today's prizes.
And especially, one point for today's best hairstyle.
But more important is to see who is the overall winner.
Through ten painful programs.
Yes, it is ... Ladies and gentlemen, let's put up the scoreboard.
It's Vegard! He gets first prize!
Come here and receive this bust of gold.
You're welcome.
- You can now make out with the bust. - It’s heavy.
-Congratulations. -Thank you.
Now you can kiss the bust.
We congratulate Vegard on a brand new gold bust of me-
which he can put on the fireplace shelf or bedside table!
Thank you so much to the audience, and thanks to my eminent secretary-
-Olli Wermskog. And thanks to the participants!
- Have a good time, and have a good Christmas! - Merry Christmas!
Original Norwegian Text: Agnes Håtveit Løkke www.btistudios.com