*
(WHEEL CLICKS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- (SNORTS)
- (BLUBBERS LIPS)
- (GASPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
(CLUNK!)
(SPLASH!)
(THUD!)
(KEYS CLACK)
- (GROANS)
(POP!)
I'm peeing in the water.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gotta be faster than that!
- Ta-da!
(KEYS CLACK)
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
(SPLASH!)
(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (EXHALES)
(CLUNK!)
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou. Welcome, everybody, to Taskmaster.
I am Jeremy Wells and I am the Taskmaster, and this seat is, no lie,
the Santa Parade Santa chair out on hire from the parade company. (LAUGHTER)
But enough about my glamorous throne. We are here to judge comedians
doing things I made them do. The winner at the end of the season
will receive my head immortalised in gold in inexpensive statue form.
Our competitors are some of the greatest minds in comedy,
and also Matt Heath. (LAUGHTER)
They are David Correos,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Guy Montgomery,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Laura Daniel,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
the aforementioned Matt Heath,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
and, of course, Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
None of what I do would be possible without the man who sits
in a much smaller, much shitter, non-parade-affiliated throne. (LAUGHTER)
My assistant, Paul Williams! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you.
- Um...
what are you up to there, Paul? - Sorry, Jeremy. I found last episode,
my energy levels started to dip, so I thought I would, um, carb-load. (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I've been eating pasta all day. (LAUGHTER)
- Generally, the way that works is you carb-load the night before the show.
Takes a while before that sort of starts to work.
- I guess... I'm carb-loading for tomorrow? (LAUGHTER)
- OK. Shall we start with the, uh, prize task? - Sure.
Like every week, our contestants have been asked to bring in a prize.
Whoever brings in the best prize will get five points
and whoever has the most points at the end of the episode will take home all five prizes.
Today, we've asked them to bring in the most New Zealand thing. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Wow. Urzila Carlson. - Yes! - Let's start with you.
- So, I brought in a rugby ball that I bought in Feilding
from old guy who has lived in Feilding all his life. There it is. (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That is quite New Zealand, obviously, the rugby― and Feilding is very New Zealand, isn't it?
- Oh, very. Every time I go there, they tell me to fuck off back home, Jeremy, so...
(LAUGHTER) ...that's very Kiwiana.
- Guy, what did you bring in? - I brought in an NZ cushion,
presumably made somewhere in Asia. (LAUGHTER)
It's got a map of New Zealand. If you tilt your head a little bit that way,
you'll find, very cleverly, it still says 'NZ.'
- Wow. (LAUGHTER)
- It's New Zealand through and through.
- Yeah, I feel like you've really tapped into what it means to be a New Zealander with that cushion.
- Yeah, because the fact is that we are a bit shit. (LAUGHTER)
- How dare you? - David, what did you bring in?
- Bag of feijoas. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
It's not in season right now. Do you know how hard it was to find a bag of feijoas?
(LAUGHTER) - Where does the feijoa come from, Paul?
- Uh, the feijoa is native to the highlands of southern Brazil,
eastern Paraguay, Uruguay, northern Argentina and Colombia. (LAUGHTER)
- As a New Zealand import myself,... (LAUGHTER)
I feel like we should include this, because... - (GUY LAUGHS)
like what I'm hoping New Zealand will do for me,
we have embraced the feijoa and it is now part of our culture. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Laura, what did you bring in? - What's more Kiwi than Six60? (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Remember how they did a big concert at Eden Park recently?
So I brought in some, uh, RTD cans that were left outside my house from the concert.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
But wait ― there's more.
What's more New Zealand than taking something and upcycling it?
So I took it to a New Zealand icon ― Sir Richard Taylor at Weta Workshops ―
- Oh, wow. - ...and we created the cans into an original Weta Workshops creation.
There we go. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And I went to Weta Workshops and made these.
- Wow. You have gone to way too much effort there for that. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Matt? - Yes, Jeremy. - What is your New Zealand thing?
- Well, I thought what is more New Zealand than New Zealand itself?
So what I did is I got some New Zealand
and I brought it in a lunchbox.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
This is from the Waitakere Kiwi Rescue Centre.
That's where I got the dirt from. So some of that in there is Kiwi leavings.
And also, if you got some hot rocks, could be a portable hangi. (LAUGHTER)
So that's... that's four times as Kiwi as anyone else's. - Well, you can make―
No, you can make it five for your lack of effort. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I've got to score this now, don't I? - Uh, yes.
- It's not going to be easy cos there's some absolute crap in that lot.
(LAUGHTER) - What about hers?
- But I reckon David gets one point. - (SIGHS) (AUDIENCE GROANS)
- Urzila, you're two points for your rugby ball.
- (SIGHS) That's harsh, mate. - I think Guy is three points for your cushion.
Matt, you're four points, and I think, Laura, you went to so much effort.
- (LAUGHS) - So I think you should get five points for that.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- One thing you just can't deny about this show is that the Taskmaster's a really good guy.
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- And I just― I can't wait to receive the head at the end.
(SNICKERS) (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And the statue. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- OK. Right, let's get your pretend iPad remote ready, Paul,
because, uh, we're going to have another task.
- Uh, Jeremy, have you ever seen movies?
(LAUGHTER)
- Yes? - Well, you're about to see five more.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- I'm ready.
- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Guy.
- Beautiful.
- It's disturbing, but expected. (LAUGHTER)
- On with it?
- 'Star in a one-minute, multi-character film.
- You must play all the characters.
- 'Each character must be distinctive.
- 'Most character wins. You have 30 minutes to write and plan your scene...
- '...and 30 minutes to film it.
- 'Your time starts now.'
- I want a tall guy. I want a short guy.
I want a tall woman. I want a short woman.
- I'll just get a pen and paper.
- I need to think about this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- It's not so much about the storyline.
- No. It's very much kind of a quantity over quality.
(LAUGHTER)
- I can't wait to see his. (LAUGHTER)
Shall we watch them? - Here is a film with a star-studded cast
headlined by Laura Daniel, Laura Daniel, and breakout star Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (WOMAN SCREAMS)
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
Detective, thank God you're here. - I came as quick as I heard. Show me where are the suspects.
- COCKNEY ACCENT: Please 'urry, Detectives. All the suspects are upstairs in the dining room.
(LAUGHTER)
- CALIFORNIAN ACCENT: Oh, Detective, thank God. (PANTS)
There's Toby Tullman, the town clerk,
Woody Handman, the one-handed wood carpenter,... (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS IN FRENCH ACCENT) - ...Francois,...
- One more time, boys. (PLAYS TUNELESSLY) - ...the violinist from Titanic,...
- (SCREECHES) - ...Godzilla,
the old gentleman, Gerald,
Robert,... - 'Sup?
- ...the Pink Lady,...
- (MAKES WHOOSHING NOISES) - ...Ocean Queen,
Rob Anne Hood,...
- COCKNEY ACCENT: I was innocent. I was helping the poor!
- (STRUMS TUNELESSLY) - ...Jason Mraz,
and how could I forget ― our poor victim, Mrs Well-Well Wells.
- Well, you all look very suspicious, but I think I've solved the crime.
Fake tan sheets and someone that likes to read the news ―
Jeremy Wells. (LAUGHTER)
- And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for your excellent detective work.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Some very distinctive characters in there, Laura.
- Yeah. I went to drama school. - I can see that. - It cost me $60,000.
(LAUGHTER) - How many characters were there, Paul?
- In total, there were 17 unique characters. - MATT: Wow.
- Wow. - Wow. - 17.
Who have we got next, Paul? - Up next, it's a short film from a tall man.
Here's Guy Montgomery.
- POSH ACCENT: Hello, everyone. Welcome to the big race.
- There, we see Deirdre welcoming racers and supporters alike to the big race,
and let's meet our athletes.
- Hiya. - Hola!
- COMMENTATOR: Oh, what a wide and varied bunch from countries ― all of 'em.
- Oh, hiya. - Gidday. - Hellooooo.
- Of course, they're not qualified to be here.
They're the first person with a name starting with the same letter as their country.
- Buongiorno. - Privet, Russell!
- And now, their wives.
- Come on, Greg. - LAURA: Ah! (APPLAUSE)
- COMMENTATOR: What a beautiful array of people we have here in support.
- Go on, Austin, you fuck.
- COMMENTATOR: Of course, we have grandstands full of other supporters
that we just don't have time to get to in this broadcast.
And it's time to start the race.
I call it from the booth.
(DRUM ROLL) On your marks, get set,...
(DRUM ROLL CONTINUES)
Go!
(REGAL BRASS MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- MATT: Quality films. - Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- Fantastic work, Guy. Just on first viewing, a world international race
that involved a lot of Caucasian competitors. (LAUGHTER)
- Yes. They actually didn't show the planning portion of the film,
but I did opine out loud that I'd probably omit all African nations from the big race,
just out of self-preservation, really. (LAUGHTER)
- So, you've got no diversity at all, and the woman are playing a subservient, non-starringrole.
- I don't remember the brief being, 'Make the most progressive short film.'
(LAUGHTER)
- So how many characters did Guy have in his short film?
- Guy had eight racers, eight wives, one commentator, and one... queen?
- Yeah, that's the queen. - It was the queen, which is a total,
pipping Laura by one, 18. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Lot of characters.
God, I'd love to watch some more short films, but it's time to watch a different type of short film.
I'm talking about the 30-second ones made up by advertising executives.
We'll see you in just a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back. This is Taskmaster.
Paul, you simply must fill us in with what's happening.
- So, our contestants have been making short films with the most characters.
So, again, quantity over quality.
This next one is a PSA.
Here is budding young filmmaker David Correos. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Hi. My name is David Correos, and I think drink-driving is real stupid.
But not only me. I've also got a couple of friends that agree with me too.
- HIGH-PITCHED: Hearing my friends drive sober is music to my ears! (LAUGHTER)
- Drink-driving will... put you to jail.
- I don't like it when my friends drive drunk.
- It's never a good time to drink-drive.
- If you do,...
- I'm not sexually attracted to people that drink-drive!
- GRANDLY: You can circle around me, but make sure you haven't had a drop of alcohol.
- COARSELY: It's very sweet when my friends don't drink-drive.
- Choo-choo!
- In your future, I hope there's no drink-driving.
- (WARBLES)
- (WHINNIES)
- Bark, bark, bark!
- Ruff, ruff, ruff!
- I just rolled in here completely sober.
- I have been in the hot desert for more than 40 years,
but I will never hop in a car with a drink-driver.
- So what do we all have to say, guys?
- ALL: Drink-driving ― don't do it.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Great message there, David. Interesting, that idea of drink driving your way around the globe.
(LAUGHTER)
Can't remember the last person to drive around the globe.
- Metaphorical driving.
Round and round,
sober.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- Fuck, I got nothing, Jeremy. I'm so sorry. (LAUGHTER)
They were just like, 'Put as many people on that film.'
- And you put a lot of people on. - He did. - How many characters?
- So, in total, including himself, he had 21 characters.
- LAURA: Whoa. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, CHEERS)
- Although three of them were a small family of bronze orbs?
- Yes. - Only one of the family spoke. - Yeah.
- And, yeah, were they distinctive? There was strong family resemblance. (LAUGHTER)
- I think that's one. I think the family of orbs are just one. (AUDIENCE GROANS)
- He's still in the lead by one ― 19. - Well, there you go.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - So, it goes 19, 18, 17 currently.
- Whose amazing film are we're going to see next?
- OK. Well, this one, again, is less of a film and more of, I think, like,
kind of a maybe daytime soap opera?
- It's a drama. (LAUGHTER)
- With her gritty drama, here's Urzila Carlson.
- Welcome to Sherryl's Nail Salon. Oh, Chelle, it's just you.
You here for your nails? - Mum, I need to talk to you about something important.
And some nails, please. I think I'm pregnant. - What? Who's the father?
- Sherryl! Sherryl! - This is Sean.
- What is this shit that this kid is a Chiefs supporter?
- I mean, I haven't given birth to them yet.
- Them?! More than one?!
- No, I― - Sherryl! That's not my babies,
cos I only nut once, never twice. I'm really known for that.
- You've really scored a good one in that boy.
- Go to the bathroom. See if you can feel heads in there.
- Hello. - Oh, hi, Paul. Sit.
No one knows who your daddy is. They think it's that homeless guy that you keep (MAKES KISSING NOISES).
So, is he your real father, or just your... (CLICKS TONGUE)?
- I mean, we're waiting for the DNA results, but up until that time, I don't see why we can't be together.
- Oh, Chelle! Did you have a look? What's the news? Do tell.
- I don't think it's any babies. - (GASPS)
- I just ate a lot for lunch. - Chelle, it's time for a Cardonnay and a Dunhill.
- Thanks, Mum. - You know I hate it when you call me that.
Thanks,... Sharon? - Sherryl!
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS)
- No drama school. (LAUGHTER)
Just straight-up raw talent, mate. (LAUGHTER)
- You know, I try to be generous, but what the hell? (LAUGHTER)
- I opened that task
and a bit of me died,
and I was like, 'I can take this munter, but not these three.' (LAUGHTER)
I'm never going to do it. I may as well just fuck around with Paul. (LAUGHTER)
- So, that was essentially, like, highlights.
The film itself was about 14 minutes long. (LAUGHTER)
So, Sherryl's Salon had five characters, only three of which were played by Urzila.
(LAUGHTER)
- All right. Who's up next? - It's a film from the twisted mind of Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)
- All right. Welcome to the second annual Smoking Weed in the Bush Party.
(LAUGHTER) - Right now, you should have a joint in your hand
and you should be hidden behind separate trees. All right?
Smoke your joints and stay safe out there, OK, people?
(LAUGHTER)
- That's some good shit, man.
- Piwakawaka!
- That's goooood, boy.
- (VOCALISES GRUFFLY)
- Oooooh, feeling rich today. (LAUGHTER)
- (YELPS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- (GROWLS SOFTLY)
My parents were killed...
by weed smokers.
So you shall die too!
- (YELLS)
- (EXHALES SHARPLY)
- (GRUNTS) - (HISSES)
- (GROANS)
- (YELPS)
- (GROWLS SOFTLY) - (GROANS)
- (GRUNTS)
- Whoa, ho, ho!
Whoo!
(LAUGHTER)
- COCKNEY ACCENT: Ay, pencil sharpener!
- No! No! (GRUNTS)
Oh, shit.
- Detective Reginald Bathgate at your service.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That was incredible! - Came out a lot better than I remember.
(LAUGHTER)
- Matt did spend most of his time sort of developing the character of Reginald Bathgate.
(LAUGHTER)
- What was Reginald Bathgate's tagline again?
- COCKNEY ACCENT: 'Detective Reginald Bathgate at your service,'
and then he'd twiddle his umbrella. - Yeah. See how iconic it is?
- (LAUGHS) It is― It is iconic. - Only saw it once and he remembers it.
If your character's really good, can he be counted as, like, 10 characters?
- No. - No. But 10 characters was how many Matt had.
- Oh, that's a lot of effort to come second-last. (LAUGHTER)
- It truly didn't look like that much effort.
- No. - Really? (LAUGHTER)
- Paul, how many characters did we have?
- Urzila had three played by her.
Matt ― 10, Laura ― 17,
Guy ― 18, and in first place with 19, David Correos. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Got any more of those tasks lying around, Paul? - I've got a bunch.
Teamwork makes the dream work, unless your dream is to work alone.
(LAUGHTER) It's time for our first team task of the season.
- (INHALES SHARPLY)
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
- Hello. - Hello, David. - Hello. Morning.
- (CHUCKLES) I'm an All Black.
- What's up? (LAUGHS) - (SQUEALS)
(LAUGHS) Hello, David! - You look so nice.
-Youlook so nice. Oh my God, what cool colours.
- Oh, no (!) - (GROANS) (LAUGHTER)
How are ya? - Good. Oh...
- I gotta hug you. - (GRUNTS) Hey. (LAUGHTER)
- (GASPS)
- Yes. - (SQUEALS, LAUGHS)
- Other people! Yes.
- We look like we could host a kids' show. (LAUGHTER)
- Do we need to work out who's in charge out of you and me?
- No, we fig― I figured I am always. - I thought I'd be...
- It's up to you guys. - You don't decide who's...
- No. - No.
- Laura, you lead the way. - Laura, you go ahead.
- OK. (LAUGHTER) - Gorgeous.
- No, I'm good at reading. - OK, good.
'Build a castle out of wheat biscuits.
- 'You may not leave the room. For every dry wheat biscuit you eat,...
- '...you'll be given 15 additional wheat biscuits.
- '...you'll be given seven additional wheat biscuits.
- 'Grandest castle wins.
- 'You have 30 minutes.
- 'Your time starts now.'
- I'll be resource management.
- Can we get any lubricant with this?
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, for fairness, one team got less than half the wheat biscuits for every wheat biscuit they ate,
and that was because they had an extra person,
and that person was David. (LAUGHTER)
- I can see that. It's interesting because I was sensing a different sort of vibe from bothteams.
Obviously, there's a real love-fest going on between you three,
and you two looked like you had made love at some point,... (LAUGHTER)
...but were embarrassed about it and were trying to hide it, and now it's quite awkward.
- But the sexual chemistry grew over the challenges.
- No, it did not. (LAUGHTER)
- Who's up first? - Up first, it's the young guns. It's David, Laura, and Guy.
- What do castles have? Turrets? The only castles I'm super familiar with are the Disneyland ones.
- Can we glue the biscuits? - Yeah, that's what this is for. - Thank you.
- Beautifully-presented wheat biscuits.
- (HOIKS SPIT) - These other, older contestants I feel will be more handy than us.
- Yeah, because they all own houses.
You keep going, David. You're doing great. - MUFFLED: Thank you.
- So we're going to make an entranceway.
- You've got to say the twine is also of value. - Mm.
- Yeah, it's an extra decoration. Here. I'll eat one for you.
MUFFLED: Oh, fuck, that's hard. - Yep. No, the key is to go small and steady, like the turtle.
- We could have a functional door, guys.
- The drawbridge is cool. - Yep, I can do that. - Excellent work, guys.
- David, how many wheat biscuits have you eaten? - Up to my number seven.
- I'm on to my second. - Well, I feel I should eat one out of solidarity.
- Oh my God, David. I love it. - Picturing them like, 'Whoo!'
- Hey, guys, maybe just start building blocks for the back.
- I'll glue. You lay, David. - Nice.
- You guys ever sweat in this room? - I have sweated so much in this room.
- I don't have sweat glands, so I was quite glad when Prince Andrew spoke out
on behalf of people who don't have sweat glands. (LAUGHTER)
It's good to get some representation. I'm against all that other stuff.
- Paul. - You've got four minutes.
- Oh, OK. We actually need to move, guys. - OK.
- Shit, shit, shit, shit. - You know, time flies
when you're making castles out of wheat biscuits. - Go, go, go.
- 20 seconds now. - I'm going to just start filling in the holes with grout.
- We need a top bikkie. We need a top bikkie. - 10 seconds.
- One biscuit. One biscuit. - I got one biscuit for ya.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh. - (BLOWS WHISTLE) Hands down.
Are you guys happy with that? - I think any king or queen would be grateful
for the opportunity to look at this castle from the front.
- (DAVID SINGS CIRCUS TUNE)
- Do you think the other team is going to top this?
- Almost definitely. - Mm-hmm. - Thank you.
- Thank you, Paul. - Thank you, Paul. - See you later.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That is a lot of dry Weet-Bix eating for what is a pretty rubbish castle.
(LAUGHTER)
But even more concerning ― your reference to Prince Andrew.
- Yeah. So, I thought I'd, uh,
make a joke on the comedy show. (LAUGHTER)
- So, David ate 12 wheat biscuits, which is... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
In terms of wholegrains, that's about 3.6 times his daily recommended intake.
- Time now to fetch yourself a snack, ideally completely devoid of flavour or moisture.
We'll see you very, very soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five top-tier comedians are battling to win
the Six60 Weta Workshop collaboration we've always dreamed of ―
(LAUGHTER)
a crushed-up can of piss. (LAUGHTER)
Paul, what's happening, please? - We're in the midst of a team task
where our teams are attempting to build the grandest castle out of wheat biscuits.
If they want more wheat biscuits, they have to eat a wheat biscuit.
- And just one team remains; is that correct? - That is correct,
and it is our dynamic duo ― Matt and Urzila.
- MUFFLED: It's so dry. - MUFFLED: It's very dry.
- (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) - I can't understand what you're saying, sorry.
- Oh, wow. Little bombs of it. - I know you want to keep it simple,
but would you be open to, like, that being in the middle, you know?
- Oh, like a tower? - Yeah, like a tower. - Where the princess goes?
- Yeah. - Thank you.
- Working with you is good because it's a slower pace. I get frantic on my own,
but you're making me feel like we can just take our time. - Yeah.
- I'm struggling to masticate.
Wow. - This is, like, the shittest glue gun.
(TRIGGER SQUEAKS)
This sounds like my hips in the morning when I go for a pee. - (SNICKERS)
- My body is so used to having milk with Weet-Bix. - Yeah.
I could try and breastfeed you. It'll probably come back.
You're just going to have to give it your all.
- If we had liquid, not only would I drink it, but we could make a moat.
- Yeah, that's why I said we need blue paper.
Can you go get me some blue paper, please, Paul? - And a glass of milk?
- I can go have a look. - Have you been able to get me water all along?
- (LAUGHS) Have you not been using him this whole time?
- No! I didn't know he could― - Oh my God! What has your life been like?
- I didn't know you could send him to do stuff. - He's washed my car twice.
- I should have watched earlier episodes of the show.
- Oh, there we go. - You've got 10 and a half minutes.
- And we can even do a couple of Weet-Bix as the...
- ...the drawbridge. - Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, I don't feel great.
- 35 seconds. - Shit! - (EXCLAIMS)
(BOTH YELP) Get it! Get it!
Mate, that is beautiful! Hey?
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Shit! (LAUGHS)
Normally, I leave these things with a great sense of shame. - Yeah.
- But I'm happy. - Yeah, this is awesome.
(LAUGHS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Matt ― a real dark horse on the dry Weet-Bix there.
- How many did I eat? - Matt ate nine Weet-Bix with milk ― still not as many as David.
- (GUY CHUCKLES) - Wow! - But it was very impressive,
and it made me just want to watch the footage again and again,
and then while I was watching the footage, I did see some pretty interesting stuff.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS) Watch this. - (CHUCKLES)
(TENSE MUSIC)
(LAUGHS) - I've done another Weet-Bick.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS)
- Thank you. Right, and we're just building the walls.
- Mm. - Mm.
- I'm just checking health and safety guy
doesn't spin out if I test it on... (SHOCKED LAUGHTER)
Can you see?! I don't see a thing!
(CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY)
(LAUGHTER)
- Another Weet-Bick down. - Oh my God. Youarean All Black. (BOTH LAUGH)
These wheat biscuits keep you real regular.
We're not sharing a dressing room, are we? Cos that's gonna come out today still.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
It says, 'Make the best castle.' We made the best castle. Let's move on.
Let's not harp on about stuff that happened in the past. (LAUGHTER)
- I don't want to relitigate the whole Wheatbiscuitsgate thing that's just been raised.
- No, I'm glad! I'm glad you...
opened all of that bullshit out.
Fuck you, man. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Fuck you.
- Mate, you're just angry because you didn't know to ask for milk.
- I am angry because I ate 12 dry Weet-Bix,
and they came out 12 dry Weet-Bix! (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- So, Jeremy, I'm almost afraid to ask,... - Mm-hmm.
- ...but how are we going to score this?
- The thing is you guys were gonna win.
- Thank you. - And I was going to award you both five points.
Sadly, now you both get zero. (AUDIENCE GROANS) You know, no points for―
- Why?! Why are you going, 'Aww'?! He's a cheater! (LAUGHTER)
- So, unfortunately, that's what happens when you cheat, and you guys get two.
- Yeah, cool. - OK.
- I cheated in all the other ones as well.
(LAUGHTER) - Fuck!
- So I'm in trouble here.
- Here's another task. Our contestants are hopping to chalk up some points in thisone.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
- Hi! - Hello, David.
- Hello, Paul.
- Oh, gidday, Paul. How are you, buddy?
- Hello, Matt. - Ooh.
- Yeah! My 21st all over again.
- Party? - Task.
- Is this some kind of party situation here?
- LAURA: That looks like a lot of shots.
- Oh, yeah. I can smell it.
- Apple cider vinegar.
- Ooh, OK.
Hopscotch. Not one of my strengths, Paul.
- 'Hop the Scotch along the hopscotch...
- '...and pop it in the pail.
- 'Most Scotch successfully popped in the pail wins.
- 'You have five minutes.
- 'Your time starts now.'
- I have to hop on that? - Yeah.
- Oh, I don't hop, mate. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Not your thing, Urzila? - No, I don't hop, mate. I'm pushing 50,
and I've got only so much time left in my joints and I'm going to save it
in case someone chases me with a knife. I need to... (LAUGHTER)
I need that little bit of life left in the joints for that and not for this shit.
(LAUGHTER) - Who's up first?
- Up first, she loves the Springboks, but does she love to spring from box to box?
(LAUGHTER) It's Urzila Carlson.
- She likes to spring the boxes, if you know what I mean. (LAUGHTER)
Ugh, that is definitely Scotch.
Look how I'm doing it, Paul.
Shit. Balls.
- I think you're supposed to hop on the same foot, or else it's just a kind of step, isn't it?
- I've got a prosthetic leg, Paul. (LAUGHTER) - Do you?
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Don't look, Paul. - OK.
- It's rude to look at a...
woman who could have been your mother bouncing around.
It's just the scotch talking, mate. (LAUGHTER)
You'd think they'd just use apple juice.
(LAUGHS) I can't do it!
I'm unco as fuck, Paul. (LAUGHTER) - You're nearly halfway.
- BREATHLESSLY: OK. That's impressive.
Do you want some, Paul? - I'm fine, thank you.
- (LAUGHS)
That was a skip, not a hop. (LAUGHS)
You've got 50 seconds. - Getting easier the more whisky I drink, actually.
- Yeah. - Hop! Hop! Hop! (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS) - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- As the second shot started coursing through me, I found it a lot easier.
- OK. - SOFTLY: See ya, Paul. - Thank you, Urzila.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- It seemed like a lot of spillage, though, to be honest, Paul.
- Yes. Urzila transported 886ml of Scotch.
- How much did I drink? About the same amount? (LAUGHTER)
- She consumed five shots, which is, you know, not so much,
but also not so little that we allowed her to drive herself home. (LAUGHTER)
- We're taking a break. Why don't you fix yourself a drink of up to 160 shots?
We'll see you in just a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster. Who will win a cushion with a map of New Zealand on it?
So much to play for (!) (LAUGHTER)
Paul, what are we doing? - The contestants are hopping some Scotch along a hopscotch
and popping it in a pail. - Who's up next?
- They're known collectively as The Boys Club, subcategory ― No Guys Allowed.
It's Matt and David. (LAUGHTER)
- In the pail? - Yes. - How do I hopscotch again?
(QUIRKY SKA MUSIC)
- That's not good. Do I have to hopscotch back?
- All the information you need in the task. - Oh, hang on a minute.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- Like this?
(LAUGHTER) And then two? - Yes.
- (GRUNTS) Like there? Is that...
PANTS: One more? (SIGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(PANTS SHARPLY)
(GRUNTS)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SHOT GLASSES CLATTER)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- I feel good about that, Paul. - OK. - I feel really good about that.
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(LAUGHTER) - How was that? - Perfect (!)
- Thank you, David. - Cool.
(LAUGHTER)
(DAVID YELLS LOUDLY) (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Was that a roar of joy or was that a roar of frustration?
- I was very frustrated with myself because I feel like I'd, like, set myself up for a massive win,
and then that― I shouldn't have folded. - Yeah, why'd you do that?
- I don't know, man. - Should have just dumped it in. - I should have cheated, eh?
(LAUGHTER) - I should have just cheated!
- David managed to get 3.36 litres in the pail.
- MATT: Not bad. (APPLAUSE) - A lot of whisky.
However, Matt ―
4.32 litres. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Who's left, Paul? - Here's a girl ― Laura, and a Guy ― Montgomery.
(LAUGHTER)
- (GRUNTS)
Ow! That burns.
- Can I go to the kitchen? - Yeah.
You've got four minutes and 47 seconds.
- Mm. Mm.
- So what's the strategy here? - (GRUNTS)
(LAUGHTER)
(SCOFFS) (POT CLANGS)
(SHOT GLASSES CLATTER)
(GLASSES RATTLE)
- No, that's too much. (LAUGHTER)
- You've got three and a half minutes. - Mm.
Mm.
Can I get something to carry those in?
Out of my way! (DEBRIS CLATTERS)
Shit! (LAUGHTER)
- Whose Scotch is this? - Taskmaster's.
- I'm so sorry. - It's OK. He needs to cut back.
- I wasted so much Scotch.
How much time have I got? - You've got two minutes and 43 seconds.
One minute and 55 seconds.
(FRANTIC MUSIC)
(SCOTCH, PLASTIC SLOSHES)
(THUD!)
- (PANTS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Worth noting that Laura did get the most shots, uh, in her tummy.
(LAUGHTER) She had seven.
- Holy! - Can I also add that, before that task,
there was a previous task where I'd drunk half a bottle of wine,
so I was already fucked. (LAUGHTER)
So, uh, she got 3.12 litres. - OK.
- And Guy with 4.14 litres.
- OK. So what's make the overall scores, then?
- One point for Urzila, two points for Laura, three for David,
four for Guy, and our winner, with 4.32 litres of Scotch, Matt Heath. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- The night is young and so are we, and I feel like squeezing another task in.
Can we do another one? - Yeah, we can do it. We can do another task.
- OK. - Here's another task.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
Hello, Urzila. - Hey, Broseph. (WHISTLES SHARPLY)
- Hello. - Hello, David.
- Ooh!
- 'Get a photo of the person in the most extraordinary location.
- 'The person must be doing a thumbs up with one hand,...
- '...pointing to their thumbs up with the other hand,
'and wearing a bowl on their head.
- 'Most extraordinary photo wins. You have until the studio record. Your time starts now.'
- Mean. OK.
Fuck yes.
- What are you doing later today? - Not sure.
- Can you do that?
Nah. Not as good as I thought.
(LAUGHTER) See ya, Paul.
(APPLAUSE)
- Let's look at some well-placed photos. Urzila?
- I just got my mate Filimon to take a photo, uh,
at, uh, Mandela's house in Vilakazi St in Soweto.
- There he is. Oh, yep. (APPLAUSE)
- That's Mandela's house. I grew up not far from there ― an iconic place.
If you don't like it, you're racist. (LAUGHTER)
- Uh, who have we got next? Guy.
- First of all, just take a look at this photo of an incredible day in history.
- DAVID: Oh my gosh! (LAUGHTER)
Oh my God!
- This was...
the best day of my life, until it wasn't.
(LAUGHTER)
- MATT: Wow. - OK. (APPLAUSE)
- Quite amazing. - That is quite extraordinary.
- Yeah, I'd say it's pretty fuckin' extraordinary. (LAUGHTER)
- Laura. - Hello. - What's your photo?
- We're living in pretty extraordinary times. - (CHUCKLES)
- And this photo is of, uh, a hard worker giving out vaccines in America.
Also very extraordinary that the man in the photo
chose to put the bowl on his head the correct way up... (LAUGHTER)
and balance it, rather than wear it as a hat. (LAUGHTER)
- David? - Uh, I took mine in the sky. That one.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
That's my friend, Owen. The person who is keeping me safe ―
his name is Ballsy. (LAUGHTER)
- Is it cos his ballsies were on your back? (LAUGHTER)
- Very well-accommodated. We had to go through so much health and safety to, like,
clear a bowl on the head. - I was going to say.
Matt, what did you bring in? - Yeah, I really, really ummed and ahed about this one,
and it really ate me up inside. I lost a lot of sleep, and then I got some intel.
I knew that you would have been out celebrating your good friend's birthday,
so when you came home, I made my way into your bedroom.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I was extraordinarily drunk, to be fair. (LAUGHTER)
I don't think anyone deserves to get one point,
because I think everybody's photos were pretty extraordinary.
So I think Urzila, Laura, and Guy should get three points,
and then I think Matt should get four points, and I think David should get five points.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We have one more task tonight, and you know it's taking place right here on the stage.
How will our contestants cope without the magic of editing? Find out after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Yes, we made it. We're here at the final part, ready for our final task,
but first, Mr Williams, what is happening in Score Town?
- There's only one point in it, and in first-equal with 16 points each is Guy and David.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right, you guys. Do you want to head up on to the stage for the final task?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
What a wealthy-looking bunch they are, Paul.
Could you make someone read out the task, please? - Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.
What about Laura Daniel? - Okey-dokey.
'Shake the coin out of your piggy bank.
'You may not open or breach the piggy walls in any way. (LAUGHTER)
'You may not touch your piggy bank until you have drawn an adequate pig.
(LAUGHTER) 'If Jeremy deems your pig inadequate, you must draw a new pig.
'Fastest to shake will receive five points, slowest will receive one.'
- Can you describe a pig so I can remember? Have they got, like― They've got a curly tail.
- It's almost like if there was an example somewhere, Matt, that you could look at (!)
(LAUGHTER)
- Everyone ready? - LAURA: Mm-hmm.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - DAVID: Fuck! (SCATTERED CHEERING)
- Hand up when you'd like to show Jeremy.
(AUDIENCE SHOUTS, EXCLAIMS) Oh, David?
Cool.
(FRANTIC MUSIC)
- That's an adequate pig. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(COIN RATTLES)
- That's an adequate pig. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(COINS RATTLE) - Matt.
- It's an adequate pig. - Yes! (CHEERING)
(COINS RATTLE)
- That's an adequate pig. I can see that. (CHEERING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
It's an adequate pig. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - All pigs deemed adequate.
(COINS RATTLE)
- (SCREAMS) I got it! I got it! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(WHOOPS)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(COINS RATTLE)
- Still― Oh! - (SHRIEKS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Laura Daniel's coin has emerged. (COINS RATTLE)
(CHEERING) - Guy Montgomery's coin has emerged.
- I feel like the Gen Xers got duds here. (LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Come on. Oh.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - DAVID: Whoa!
- (CHUCKLES)
Oh! (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Mine was structurally not sound. - I mean... (LAUGHTER)
- Jeremy, I can confirm that their piggy walls were breached. (LAUGHTER)
- Come on down and we'll give out the points. Come on. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
How did the points come out, Paul? - So, zero points for Matt and Urzila.
- That's bullshit. - Three points for Guy, four points for Laura,
and five points for David. - Wow. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So what does that mean for the episode scores?
- With a strong finish to the episode and 21 points, our winner ―
David Correos! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Well done, David. Get up there and douse yourself in patriotic bliss.
There's a bunch of crap from New Zealand that you can keep forever.
Go on. Get up there. Good on ya. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
It's been a real pleasure traversing through the wonderful world of tasks with you alltonight.
We've learnt that whisky is a gateway drug to hopping,
that modern camera technology will outsmart
even the trickiest of Weet-Bix thieves,.. (LAUGHTER)
and that our winner of episode three is none other than David Correos!
We'll see you all next week. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- Fuck you! Fuck you! (LAUGHTER)
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021
- A muffler.
- Jeremy Wells, it's the most wonderful time of the year.
- # St Nick, give me back my shoe horn. #
- # Oh, vegan night. #
- JEREMY: I think I speak for everyone when I say that...
- Oh, fuck!
- ...there was nothing good about that at all.