Right, let's go.
Ah.
BLOWS RASPBERRY
Can you tape this to my head, please?
Ah...
Cool plus cool.
That was quite pathetic, don't you think?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to Junior Taskmaster.
My name is Rose Matafeo and I'm the Junior Taskmaster.
And we've got everything the grown-up show has, except,
instead of gross, old comedians messing about with watermelons,
we've got sprightly youths
with a get-up-and-go attitude... messing around with watermelons!
It's technically different.
Right, now, throughout the series,
25 children will fight each other out for our amusement -
kind of Hunger Games-style, yeah?
They'll battle through five heats and two semis
in the hope of reaching the grand final
and "winning glory for their district" -
it's kind of a Hunger Games joke, it's fine -
and, of course, this trophy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.
Ooh...
Right, well... You know, it's made of solid gold,
so if you don't like it, you can melt it down and buy a PS5,
or whatever you kids are into.
Now, tonight's winner will also take home all of the prize tasks.
However, the contestants who come first and second
will both win a spot in the semi-finals.
But who decides all of this?
It's me, I'm in charge!
SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
So, let's meet tonight's contestants. Please welcome...
..Billy... APPLAUSE
..Emilie... APPLAUSE
..Jamie... APPLAUSE
..Kaif... APPLAUSE
..and Kyra. APPLAUSE
Now, I would like to introduce my assistant.
He lives in the country with his wife and kids
but while he's here filming the show,
I let him sleep on a camping bed in my kitchen.
It's Mike Wozniak!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi.
Thank you, Rose.
Ultimately, this is a show about the dangers of playing truant
in order to go into the woods and, well,
not to put too fine a point on it, forage for mushrooms -
often with very little or no fungus training.
Perhaps to make a ne'er-do-well's risotto,
or even a street-tough bolognese.
So remember the rule -
"Don't be a toadstool fool, stay in school. Cool?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You know what? I actually applied for fungus school once,
but they didn't have MUSHROOM for me. SILENCE
Laugh, laugh!
LAUGH!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Thank you! MIKE FORCES LAUGHTER
Sit down.
Right, it's time for Mike to now reveal tonight's prize task.
Thank you, Rose.
Well, given that British children are notoriously bloodthirsty,
for this week's prize task, we thought they'd enjoy bringing in
the object that would be most useful in a zombie apocalypse.
The winner of this episode
gets to take everybody else's anti-zombie kit home with them,
so let's open the gates of hell on this family show
and see what the kids have to offer.
Well, I want to start with Billy.
I brought in a cactus.
A cactus? Mm-hm.
So, the big cactus, you can use to hit the zombies...
Right. Yeah.
..and the small ones - you can throw it on the ground
and they'll be like...
Booby traps? Yeah.
And they'd just be like,
"Ow, ow, ow, ow..."
But after the zombies, like, are like,
"OK I'm...I'm done with this, bye" you can just re-collect the cactus!
MIKE: I see. Ah. Yeah, but they can go around the cactuses, can't they?
Are you building a sort of fortress of cacti
or are you carrying them around in a sort of cactus scabbard?
BILLY: Yeah, I guess the cactus scabbard thing. Hmm.
MIKE: Yeah? Yeah, I don't even know what a scabbard is
and you just said it to a child. What is a scabbard?
Basically, it's like a sheath for a sword, or something.
Oh, well, I feel silly now!
Strong start. Pretty strong start, to be fair.
Right, Emilie, what have you brought in?
So, I've brought in mint oil
because for zombies, mint makes a really big stink.
Oh! Eventually they will stay away from you.
At least what we searched up on Google.
Ah! OK, OK, OK, so...
No-one ever said we couldn't do that - that wasn't a rule!
I am not... You are getting quite defensive, Emilie.
Where does the mint oil go, exactly? Spray it on them -
they'll be dead without any breath. Oh, it also kills them?
It kills them as well? But makes them smell minty fresh,
that's fantas... Not for them.
Not for them. Right, OK.
I'd like to imagine zombies, like, answering things on Google Answers,
being like, "Yeah, we don't like mint oil."
SHE LAUGHS
Jamie, what is your object that will be the best in a zombie apocalypse?
Roller skates with fireworks.
LAUGHTER
There they are. APPLAUSE
So, you've got to get away. Mm-hm. So you've got roller skates. Yeah.
But if you really, really need to get away... Yeah.
..you've got fireworks!
ROSE LAUGHS
Are you worried about singeing trousers?
No.
LAUGHTER
What would you be wearing? This.
Oh, right! ROSE LAUGHS
You're a shorts man? Yeah.
What if, like, a zombie is like,
"Whoa, who's that cool dude on the roller skates with fireworks?
"I want to follow him and be his friend/eat him", right?"
Well, the fireworks... Mm-hm. ..they have sparks.
Sparks will get in their eyes, they'll close their eyes,
then I can go.
This is wild.
OK. Kaif, what is your object that would be the best
in a zombie apocalypse?
Well, I brought in a zombie survival kit.
OK.
First, I thought I'd bring a bat to hit them with,
or play baseball if I got bored.
OK.
Bit of a hobby and a weapon, that's fantastic.
So, we've got a bat. Yes, wonderful.
There's also a map and a rope.
OK. I also brought in a gas mask, so then I can, like, breathe,
because the zombies might smell.
Like, they'll smell of mint oil.
LAUGHTER
Yeah...
Um, Kaif, it is very responsible, but a bit...
I don't know it's just, uh...
Live a little! Throw a cactus!
Do you know what I mean?
All right, now, Kyra - what have you got for me in a zombie apocalypse?
A pop-up coffin.
LAUGHTER
Here it is.
So, I'd love you to explain to me why this would be helpful
in the zombie apocalypse.
For one, the zombies will already think you're dead,
so they'll just leave you alone.
Oh, right! So the idea is to get into the coffin? Yeah.
Wow. So, that was "for one". Was there a "for two"?
Yeah, and you can also store snacks inside of it so...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
..so you can stay in there as long as you want!
APPLAUSE
It's a coffin that pops up, so is it kind of like...
It looks like an inflatable or something, doesn't it?
It's not inflatable, you just, like, set it up.
Right. Like a travel coffin? Yeah, technically.
Right, a coffin on the go. Yeah. For the businessman or woman.
What are you thinking, Rose? All right.
Even though it was a good sell, it was a good sell,
I don't know whether or not the zombie mint oil thing
is necessarily true.
So it will be one point to Emilie, right?
Two points, I think, goes to Billy.
The cactus - it's a good idea but that's what I'm saying.
Kaif, I'm going to give you three points.
Four points to Jamie with the roller skates.
But five points to Kyra with the pop-up coffin.
I mean, come on.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I love it. I'm a morbid girl.
Right. It is time for the first task of the night,
and what have we got, Mikey boy?
Ice-cream headaches, seagull attacks, swimming trunks
that you didn't realise went out of fashion in 1972 -
just some of the things that can go wrong on a trip to the seaside.
So we've cut all of that out of this next task
and just left the best bits - the sandcastles
and, of course, the plinths.
Hello, Emilie.Hello...mister. SHE GIGGLES
Hello. Hello, Kaif.
Hello, Kyra. Hello, Mike.
THUNDER ROLLS, RAIN FALLING
Jamie.
Hello. How are you?
Good, thanks.
Hello, Billy. Hi.
Can I read it? I think that's a great idea.
"Without damaging the sandcastle...
"..transfer the sandcastle...
"..from plinth A to plinth B.
"The least-damaged sandcastle wins.
"You have five minutes. Your time starts now."
OK.
Wait, my question is, how did you make a perfect sandcastle on that?
That's, like, impossible.
Some of us have just got it, when it comes to sandcastles.
I just want to punch it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Kyra, your first reaction was like,
"How do you build a sandcastle that perfect?"
Which I took it as a compliment at the time
but I realise she was just suspicious that something was...
Yeah. Did everyone like making sandcastles?
No. You hate it?
You're, like, so happy to build a sandcastle... Yeah.
You take the thing off, and it just all collapses!
Yeah, the follies of youth. Yeah.
Billy, you're a fan of making them.
I DO like making them,
but actually, now I think about it,
there's not really much point.
Did we just watch someone have an existential crisis?
Yeah, yeah, he went straight into nihilism.
LAUGHTER
Mike, who's first?
OK, well, let's see how Emilie got on, shall we? Mm.
What are you thinking? I'm just going to look around.
So, I'm going to go in here.
Um... What are you looking for in the shed? Hey...
Talk me through what you're thinking.
You'll see, you'll see. I'll see? Yes, you'll see.
OK.
Oh, so what is this portrait?
Like, it could be a portrait of me.
I'm going to bend the rules.
How are you going to bend the rules? Which rules?
You'll see, you'll see.
I'll bend loads of rules here.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
So, do you feel like you've damaged the sandcastle at all?
Um, a little bit.
A lot, maybe.
I don't care. I'm going to rebuild it.
What sort of things do you use to make sandcastles ordinarily?
You'll see, you'll see, you'll see, you'll see!
"You'll see, you'll see." This has become a catchphrase.
So I'm putting this in... Yeah? ..so I can rebuild the whole thing.
Is that possible?
We need to do this all quickly.
30 seconds. 30 seconds?! Yeah.
OK, just, "Hello, Rose", and where's Daddy Rose?
Daddy Rose?
I'm done.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Thank you, Emilie. Bye-bye.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow.
OK, I want your first thoughts.
I had basically done it. You said bring the sandcastle...
Mm. ..but you never said we couldn't bring the sandcastle apart.
I mean, that's flimsy logic there, I got to say.
But, Emilie, there is so much that I love about this.
Like, first of all, what's this Daddy Rose business?
Who's Daddy Rose?
"Where is daddy, Rose?"
I'm asking Rose a question - where's her daddy?
UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
OK, that was unexpected.
I don't know where my daddy is, Emilie. Ha...
I'll find him one day but...
I wanted to say, there was a bit of a catchphrase forming in this.
I mean, you know what I'm about to say. No, I don't.
"You'll see, you'll see. You'll see, you'll see."
You'll see in the future. Yeah.
Like, patience is the key.
Maybe learn from that.
Right, I think these guys need a little time
to cool off while we have a break.
Shall I get the, uh, the ice baths ready? I think so. Yeah.
See you shortly.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome back to Junior Taskmaster.
What's next on the agenda, Mike?
Here's Kyra, here's Jamie, here's Kaif.
So... What you thinking?
I've got to move that over there.
Move the plinth.
So, you're gonna move the plinth? Yeah, I'll move this one over here,
so it's easier.
I need something I can scoop it up with.
Can we go in the shed?
You gonna do your goofy walk?
Goofy walk? What do you mean?
What kind of thing you looking for?
Shovel.
Some sort of shovel.
Is there, like, a shovel or something in here?
What's your plan? You've got a massive flipper.
Yeah.
Pick it up with a flipper? Yeah.
Pick it up without the flipper?
No, that's not working.
SHE SQUEALS
HE SQUEAKS
Oh, God, it's falling apart.
How do you normally move a sandcastle?
Well, I don't usually move them.
What do you normally use for moving stuff between plinths?
Um, usually my hands or something. Just your hands.
No, that isn't gonna work.
Got 90 seconds left.
90 seconds? 90 seconds left.
What you thinking?
Could I switch the stickers around, by chance?
It's completely destroyed it.
Yes, it's working.
Here we go. Now, this is plinth A.
No! Oh, no, my shoes.
Come off, you little bum-bum poo-poo head.
Can you detect any element of damage at all?
No. No?
WHISTLE
Got ten seconds left.
Shush.
It's now or never. HE GRUNTS
WHISTLE
That's not very good.
WHISTLE
OK then, yeah. Look, it's still a B.
Thanks, Kyra. Lovely.
Thanks, Kaif. How do you think that went?
All right.
Sure?
No.
APPLAUSE
Wow.
It was the move-the-plinth crew.
I love it. Now, OK,
Jamie and Kaif went for very, very different tools, I feel.
Kaif, did you go for a flipper?
I couldn't find the shovels.
Right. And then, uh, Jamie...
Tennis racquets are notoriously full of holes.
So, as a utensil to try and get sand from one thing to another,
it wasn't that successful, was it?
No, I don't think it was.
No.
I didn't enjoy that.
He showed incredible strength and stoicism in that,
I mean, it was driving rain, wasn't it?
Didn't complain at all about that.
The only complaint he had was when some sand went on your shoes,
that was it.
Now, Kyra, I've got to say, you're a thinker.
I love how you approach the plinths.
It wasn't all calm. It wasn't.
You did, when you were taking off the B,
I think you were... How did you describe it?
"A little bum-bum poo-poo head."
Because it was a bum-bum poo-poo head.
Can't argue with that.
I would love to see how Billy got on, Mike.
Certainly, here you go.
What you thinking, Billy?
To the shed!
Tape, tape, tape, tape, tape, tape, tape.
Right.
What's the plan here? Eating the sellotape first, are you?
No. Just cutting it.
This is a tricky part,
making the A pedestal look like it's a B pedestal.
Ah! Done. Done?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A and B.
WHISTLE
Thanks, Billy.
Yeah.
You off? Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just amazing.
You must have been pretty pleased with yourself with that?
The results speak for themselves.
Basically, I was thinking, "Hey...
"..why don't I just say that it's on pedestal B when it's on pedestal A?"
Then I saw that it had the A on it, so I was like,
"Hey, why don't I cover up the A?"
So then I went to the shed, I got the tape,
I went back out, and I taped the letter on.
You seem to walk in a very similar way zombies walk.
That's, uh, what I've noticed, actually.
Although, I've gotta say, it could be an eight.
I don't wanna be that guy.
That B looked like it could be a bit of an eight. Well...
Did that B look like an eight?
ROSE SCOFFS Do not... Oh, hang on now.
You're trying to appeal to the crowd here.
I've got to point out one thing.
OK.
I actually switched it around, he just covered them up.
AUDIENCE AND ROSE: Oooh!
Which means there was still technically a B under the A,
and an A under the B.
But if you think about it, the tape was half on it.
It was half on it.
What difference does that make?
OK, OK, OK!
Now, we're not going to get domestic!
You both did very, very clever things,
and yet you're fighting - you're two geniuses, fighting!
It's like Mozart and Salieri, I hate it. Um...
Now, I do want to see all of the sandcastles
next to each other, if that's possible.
Your wish is my command. Mm-hm.
JAMIE: Oh, no.
Jamie!
Let's begin with Emilie.
If anything, you've added something to the plinth there.
Kaif, you've kind of maintained the integrity of the top of the castle,
which I do like.
Jamie, yeah, it's... It's halfway between two plinths,
but it's got the flag on top. I do appreciate that.
Uh, and then obviously, Billy and Kyra,
look, those are some perfect castles
and they're on plinth B.
Now, Emilie, it did look an absolute mess,
so we will be giving you one point.
Jamie, I'm gonna give you two points.
Kaif, three points.
Look, I am actually compelled by Kyra's argument
in the sense that there was an A under the B,
whereas you did take the full B off.
It's...it's minor... It's minor things.
It's minor things, but guess what?
I'm an adult and can do what I like.
So, four points to Billy and five points to Kyra.
But well done, well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right, shall we see how that looks on the scoreboard?
Well, here it is. Emilie's on two points.
There's Billy, Jamie and Kaif, all in the middle with six,
and Kyra, at the moment, streaks ahead with ten.
Wow. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All righty, I would like to see another task now, please.
Ooh, it's a choice one, this.
Now, we know that these contestants
are five of the most physically powerful children in the land.
But can they do strategic thinking?
Jamie.
Hello.
Hello, Mike. Hello, Kyra.
Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello!
Kaif.
Hello. Hello.
Billy. Hi.
Hello.
Hello, Emilie. Feeling ready?
Yeah.
Shall we task it up?
Yeah. OK.
"Do one of these five things."
"If you are the only person..."
"..to do your chosen thing..."
"..you win five points."
"If anyone else does the same thing you choose,
"you get zero points."
"You have five minutes."
"Your time starts now."
I'm thinking people are going to overthink it.
You're thinking about people overthinking. Yeah.
See if I take the fiver, do I get to keep it?
What do you think?
APPLAUSE
Wow.
Tricky, tricky. Bit of a mind game one here.
Very all or nothing, you know? Yeah.
Five points if you choose something that no-one else chooses.
Nothing if you choose something anyone else chooses.
Um, I do want to say, Kaif, I love thinking about overthinking.
That was a real mind-bending thing, wasn't it?
I was overthinking overthinking. Mm.
You were overthinking overthinking? That's wild.
Kyra, you were quite interested in the fiver, weren't you?
What would...what might you have spent that on?
Going to a theme park.
A fiver's getting you a lot there.
It's a... It's a...!
It's a discount, I'm friends with the owner.
So, what have we got now?
Well, shall we then see how Kyra, Jamie and Emilie fared?
Yes. OK.
Here we go.
What you thinking?
I don't know.
Definitely don't dress up like you, cos, mm-hm...
I think there's going to be, like, two people
that shout the caravan thing.
Paint the face blue.
Because, like, no-one would want to do that to their face.
Someone's definitely silly enough to paint their self blue.
Didn't fancy the £5 note or the lemons?
I think someone would eat the lemons, you know? Do you?
I think I might eat a lemon.
SHE CHUCKLES
Right, I'm going to eat it like I'd eat an orange.
Tell me why you've made that decision.
Cause I think no-one else will do it.
Mm-hmm.
How's that?
Yeah, it's really nice. Mm-hm.
What do you think you look like?
I think I look like a Smurf.
Oh...
What would make it go down smoother?
Um, if I had water. Mm-hm.
Would you like some water?
Yes.
Mm, I bet you would.
Everything all right?
Oh, God, what's gonna happen to me later?
I'm done.
WHISTLE
Urgh.
Oh, God.
Thank you, Jamie.
How'd you feel? Not very good.
Thanks, Emilie.
Bye.
I'll take the fiver while I'm at it as well, is that OK?
All the information's in the task.
This is why I don't like you.
EMILIE IMITATES SAD TROMBONE
Both of you were convinced that no-one else
would paint their face blue. Why was that?
I thought because I was a weirdo nobody else would do it.
Trust me, no.
I don't know, I looked like I was doing skin care.
A old lady who has crusty, musty skin,
just trying to do her skincare to look better.
And I was like, "Mmm..."
Jamie, you are the greatest actor of our generation, I think.
At one point, Mike asked if that was good,
and you went... SHAKILY: "Yeah, it's nice."
I had cuts on my lips.
Oh! Oh, Jamie you didn't mention that at the time!
I didn't know I had cuts on my lips.
Oh, no!
That's how you find out, isn't it?
Uh, the idea, the very prospect of dressing up as Mike,
Kyra, you did not react well to that.
You said, "Definitely don't dress up like you, Mike."
Why is that?
You can see it.
Come on.
I'm only joking. Mike's my bestie.
Aw! That's so sweet. Sweet. Solid.
I thought I was your...? No, that's fine. Oh, G-... Oh, no!
No, it's fine.
Time to power down for a few minutes
and have a little rest. See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. Well, how was that break for you?
Where did you go? What did you see? Tell me everything.
Wait, no, sorry. We don't have time for that. Uh...
WHISPERING: You haven't got a watch on.
I don't have a watch on.
That's not your business, OK?
Who's next?
Shall we see what happened with Billy and Kaif? Yes.
OK, Kaif, what's it going to be? What are you thinking?
I'm thinking take the £5.
Why's that? Well, just because I...
I think other people would like to eat lemons
and paint their face blue.
What you thinking, Billy? Eating a lemon.
Straight to the lemon. You've made your decision.
I'm eating the whole thing.
OK.
DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC
Wah-ha!
HE GROANS
HE WHIMPERS So, quite a lot of the lemon seems
to be coming straight back out again.
HE COUGHS
Why don't you want to paint your face blue?
I don't like painting.
It's a nice suit. Thank you.
I do really want to go to the caravan and shout that though.
Decisions, decisions, eh?
Argh!
What does it taste of?
HE LAUGHS
Pure pain.
Pure pain? Mm.
Think I'm gonna go to the caravan.
You're gonna go to the caravan? Yeah.
OK, I mean, you're lurching heavily...between choice to choice.
MUFFLED SCREAMS
How was that?
Good.
So, you think they won't like the caravan,
but they will like the lemons?
Honestly, I just kind of want to paint my face blue now.
Are you gonna eat the peel?
No-one knows. No-one knows?
Do I know?
I don't know, I just like going... I like the caravan.
Have you made a decision?
Yep.
Ugh...
Am I blue?
MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC
APPLAUSE
Oh, Kaif, Kaif, Kaif.
You joined the Blue Man Group.
I should've just gone to the caravan.
Right, right.
See, I could feel the pain in that indecision,
whereas Billy, straight for the lemons there,
and that just looked, honestly, hideous.
I think most of it went on the floor instead of down my stomach.
Right.
They had fun whilst we was going through absolute pain. It hurts!
It was your decision!
Oh, my gosh. It was his decision!
They've become self-policing!
No, no!
I don't even, I don't know, I have no clue why you're all arguing.
You all did terribly on that.
All, equally, did terribly,
so there's no point in arguing there.
You did nothing!
Me?!
Look, I might be feeling generous.
I could be like, "Oh, I want to give a bonus point
"to someone who really made me laugh or I really like."
But guess what? I'm not going to.
So it means no points for any of you.
Ah, yeah good, good, good, good.
Ah, ya, ya, ya.
Just tell me what the next task is, Mike.
Well, this is ticking clock time-pressure task
requiring stone-cold tenacity and the ability to move pebbles
with your mind. Or hands.
Hello, Kaif. Hello.
KYRA: Mike. Hello.
Hello, mister.
Hello, Miss. EMILIE GIGGLES
Hi.
Hello, Jamie.
Hello.
Stones.
Bang on.
What do you make of the caravan?
It's nice.
Are you a caravan kind of guy?
Nothing wrong with them.
I'm going to see what I need to do.
OK.
"Leave no stone unturned."
"When you have turned over all of the stones..."
"You must put your hands on your head and shout..."
"No stone is unturned!"
"Most turned stones wins."
"You have five minutes, your time starts now."
What you thinking?
Uh, turn over all the stones.
Yeah, it's a simple strategy, isn't it? Yeah.
But I like it. Mm-hm.
"You have five minutes."
What's the last line?
"Your time starts now."
APPLAUSE
Wow.
Very interesting.
Was that the first time in a caravan for anyone?
Really?
What?
Jamie, do you go on caravan holidays?
Uh, yeah.
Do you? Where have you been?
Um, I go to Cromer. Mm-hm.
And...somewhere else.
I love somewhere else. Both great spots.
I must say, during that task, Mike was very annoying.
You'd all agree that Mike was very annoying?
ALL AGREE AT ONCE
Oh, well, Jamie actually seems like you're holding out.
You're actually quite kind to Mike.
Am I?
It's good to see them agreeing about something though, isn't it?
That they're all mean to you? United front, yeah.
Well, look, this is a pretty darn straightforward task.
Shall we see how some of them got on, Mike?
Yes, please. First up, it's Billy and Emilie. Mm!
Have you got a strategy?
Not really.
I'm thinking just to turn over all the stones.
Just turning over the stones.
You a stone guy?
Yeah. Geology guy?
No.
No stones unturned.
You quite sure?
No.
You've got three minutes left.
No stones unturned.
OK.
EMILIE GASPS
Oh. What have you found?
I've found another bit of stones,
a bit of Blu Tack, but I don't know why that's there.
Mm-mm. You happy?
No!
Oh, God. Thanks, Billy.
No, not...not yet.
I've blown the whistle.
Dang it.
"Dang it"?
Are you from 1867 Oklahoma?
There are stones over there. Mm-hmm.
And over there. Hmm.
And over there, and over there.
Thank you.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
See you soon.
Bye.
Who are your favourite singers?
I don't have one.
Do you like, uh, kind of sort of soul stuff?
Huh? Souly-pop? Is that...?
What's her chops? What's her name? Joss?
AUDIENCE GROANS
No stones unturned.
Done? Done, yeah.
WHISTLE
Thank you, Emilie. Oh, not done, not done.
Stone down there. Thank you, Emilie.
I guess... I saw that.
I saw that as well.
And I saw that.
OK, bye. Bye.
APPLAUSE
Right.
So, you guys have watched that back.
Would you have done any different strategies?
Yes.
I think it was a bit silly to put it on top of the clock,
cos, like, the clock is really high. Right.
And like, I'm a really shorty-pants. I'm a shorty-pants.
So, I wouldn't be able to reach it.
OK. Yeah. Billy?
I would've actually looked around.
We've all been there, and I think it takes a very mature person
to just own up to it.
So, I enjoyed that.
Who else have we got, Mike?
Uh, well, now it's time to see how Jamie and Kaif got on. Ooh.
I've got to, like, turn them.
Yeah.
I'm just going to flick them all over.
Is flicking the same as turning?
No, not really.
Oh. Oh, God, there's loads.
So, what movies are you into?
Uh, I don't know, like, Harry Potter, Twilight...
What was the name of that...?
What was her name, the actor in, uh, Police Academy 4?
No clue.
I reckon there's something in the task that I'm missing.
Is that your kind of fundamental gut impression?
Your, uh,
your sort of Basic Instinct, would you say?
Trying to think of her name. Sharon...?
Ah, you're a stone.
No, you're not.
Oh, God! So many stones.
What kind of music are you into?
I like One Direction.
So, who was it she did the, uh, Super Bowl in 2006?
I wasn't alive.
Well, did you tape it or something?
What's over there?
A big stone.
How big are we talking? Like a superstar?
Uh, it's decent.
Big enough to win a Grammy.
Get out! Who, me?
Stones. Oh.
WHISTLE Oh, God!
Thanks, Kaif.
WHISTLE I think I might have got...
Thank you, Jamie.
Thank you.
Bye. Bye.
APPLAUSE
You, both watching that back, you were like,
"Argh, how did I miss..." say, you know, "..Joss Stone?"
Or, I don't know, Sharon Stone?
I accidentally turned it over.
Well, you did. We're only ten years old!
Yeah, exactly! You know what, Jamie? I'm on your side.
A lot of unofficial merchandise made it into that.
Mike, did you make that yourself?
Guilty as charged.
I've, uh, I've actually made some, uh, Kevin Costner coasters.
If you ever fancy popping round mine over a weekend, check 'em out.
I'm busy every weekend. Um...
APPROACHING RUMBLING
Oh, hang on,
What's that sound? What's that sound?
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS Oh...What?
It looks like...it's the adverts!
And they're coming this way!
Save yourselves!
THEY SCREAM
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the final part of the show.
Michel, my belle, what's happening now?
Before the break, we saw Jamie and Kaif
showing a real lack of knowledge of '80s Hollywood trivia.
One more to go. It's Kyra.
Shall we have a nice little chat
while you're doing your stone-turning? Uh, no thanks.
This the sort of thing you've done before?
No.
Stone-turning? No!
Stone-skimming?
I said no!
Uh, we could talk about films. That'd be quite fun, wouldn't it?
You're so annoying, do you know that?
So, films-wise, best dog film?
Marmaduke.
It's a dog called Marmaduke, Great Dane,
falls in love with a Border collie, I think it is.
Which sounds weird, when you say it out loud,
but ethically, if you think about it, it's probably OK.
Who played it? It was... What's her name?
Emma something... Uh, Emma Pebble, is it?
No. Emma something.
Anyway. Very good film.
Almost as... There's Where Sleeping Dogs Lie.
Hm? Although that's not really about a dog, is it?
But it's got that... She's a really good actor, what's her name?
Sharon... Sharon...
Oh, there's one. Oh, there's one. Sharon Granite, is it?
No that's not it.
Oh. Why's that got a sticker on the back of it?
I don't know, I'm just going to leave that like that,
cos it's got a sticker on the back.
Oh, I've found one.
You've found a what?
Rock. Are you supposed to turn the rocks?
Yeah, I turned it over.
OK. You've got 30 seconds left.
Ooh!
What have you found now?
I don't know. I cannae see.
I can't see.
Eh, is there a stool or something?
Open. SHE SIGHS
What have you found?
A cup with a teabag in it. OK.
Why is there teabags in here?
I don't know. The main question is,
what are you going to do with your last 20 seconds?
I don't know.
Try to find some more rocks.
Oh, there's one.
You found another cupboard? I don't like you.
Oh, you don't mean that.
I think that's it. No stone is unturned.
Thank you, Kyra.
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Pretty impressive. Yeah.
At one point Kyra, you said, "I don't like you," to Mike,
and I... Yeah, because he was being so annoying!
Well, look, maybe you want to take it back
and maybe say something really nice about Mike.
Do you have anything?
Your hair looks nice.
OK. That was... That didn't...
That means a lot. That means a lot. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That means a lot.
But despite the relentless irritation, she nailed it.
Do you want some stone-cold stats? I would love some.
OK, well I can tell you that Billy turned over 70 stones.
Emilie turned over 109,
Kaif turned over 128 stones,
Jamie turned over a whopping 135 stones,
but Kyra turned over 137.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Ooh, OK!
Two!
There was side issue, of course, that two people
didn't put their hands on their head and say, "No stone is unturned."
Any rule on that?
What am I going to do?
Honestly, with the vibe that you guys have as a group,
I would not wanna be walking in the car park after the show
if I do take this away from some of you,
so I'm just going to go as the stones are.
OK, so that would be one point to Billy,
two to Emilie, three to Kaif,
four to Jamie, and five points to Kyra.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.
All right.
All righty, what has that done to the scores?
I can tell you it's very tight in the middle.
Billy on seven, Kaif on nine, Jamie on ten.
Soaring ahead is Kyra, with 15 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right.
OK, you little legends,
it's time to make your way over to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ah!
Who is reading the task tonight, Mike?
Jamie's going to do the honours.
Please, Jamie.
"Stack the toilet rolls into a tower.
"When Mike honks his horn,
"you must move down two spaces to the left.
"Mike will honk his horn five times.
"Tallest tower on Mike's final whistle wins."
OK, so there's gonna be five honks.
HONK Sounds like that.
Apart from the starting honk... HONK
..which doesn't count.
So, it's move two spaces to the left when you move.
What, do I actually need to run round, or...?
Yeah, yeah, round the back. You run round the back.
You'd end up here, yeah?
So, one, two.
Billy where would you end up for the first one?
Where Jamie is.
Yeah. Brilliant.
I'm going to grab that off you. Everybody happy?
Yeah. Yeah.
Very best of luck.
On my honk, begin.
HONK
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Move two spaces, please, to your left.
Move two spaces.
BILLY: Yeah, I know a trick.
Keep it civil, please!
What has happened to this generation?
HONK
No, no! No.
Argh!
HONK
I've lost all faith in humanity.
WHISTLE
OK, cool. All right,
come on down, and we're going to count those towers,
and we're going to have a good, hard think
about who we are as people, all right?
Get back down here.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, that was mayhem.
And everyone was all over the place.
People were... Some people were standing in the wrong places.
There was toilet rolls everywhere.
But we have totted up the toilet rolls.
We have counted it. We've gone to VAR, we've done everything.
And we're going to go by these numbers.
Points-wise, lowest tower with two, two rolls,
one point, Billy.
Joint coming in next and so both with three points,
Jamie and Kaif.
Kyra managed four rolls,
and the winner, with six rolls, Emilie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.
Well done, I think all of you should be happy
with getting any points for that.
Let's go into the final scores, Mike.
Well, strap yourself in, Rose, because the runner-up
and the winner will be going through to the semis,
so we're hitting the big time, Madam Danger Le Showbusiness,
if I may use your middle name.
You may not. Fair enough.
OK, here it comes. Mm-hmm.
In fifth place, with eight points, it is Billy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tight after that.
In fourth place, with nine points, it's Emilie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In third, with 12 points, it's Kaif.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
With 13 points, and therefore going through to the semis,
coming in second place, it's Jamie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Which means...
Tonight's winner is Kyra!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Go on up and collect your things
that will be most useful in a zombie apocalypse!
Well, another episode done and dusted.
Well done, and compliments to the chef.
Let's hear it for all our contestants tonight,
and of course our winner, Kyra!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media