Right, let's go. Ah!
Can you tape this to my head, please? Ahh.
Cool plus cool.
That was quite pathetic, don't you think?
DING Ah!Ho-ho-ho!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to Junior Taskmaster.
I'm Rose Matafeo, your Junior Taskmaster.
And, week after week, it has been my job to crush
the dreams of hopeful young children.
LAUGHING: And I've gotta say, I have been loving it!
And I can't believe it, we've made it to the semifinals.
It's been a long road to get here,
and we've lost many fabulous contestants along the way.
And I mean, literally lost them.
Some of them are just still wandering the woods near
the Junior Taskmaster house. LAUGHTER
And you know what? We wish you well.
So, over the series, we've seen 25 contestants
wolf down a smorgasbord of delicious tasks.
They willingly served up their sanity, integrity,
and morality for you to get stuck into.
And now, we've got five contestants here tonight who are dangerously
close to reaching the final
and getting their cheeky chomps around this.
Aha-ha! AUDIENCE OOHS
I must warn you, though, even though it looks like
a giant Ferrero Rocher, do not bite into it,
it will chip a tooth. LAUGHTER
As always, tonight's winner will take home the Prize Tasks,
and they'll win a place in the grand final.
But that's not all.
The person who comes second tonight also goes through,
and there is one last final spot available for
the third-placed contestant who wins the most points across both semis.
Got it? Understand all of that?
I hope someone does, because I barely do.
LAUGHTER Er, so it's time to meet
the semifinalists, who are all ready and raring to go.
So, please welcome Anita... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..August... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Finley... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Persia... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Scarlett! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And finally, my plucky assistant.
He's been with me since day one, he's been supportive,
he's been polite, and he didn't even complain very much
when I backed over his foot with my car.
It's Mike Wozniak.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Rose.
Ultimately, this is a show about the dangers of horse racing.
We know the smaller the jockey, the faster the horse -
so the best jockey is no jockey.
LAUGHTER
You can't say that.
Like, 90% of our viewership is jockeys, OK?
It's very, very insulting.
Right, Mike, Prize Task me, please.
Riddle me this - what walks on four legs in the morning,
two at noon, and three in the afternoon?
Or some, or none of the above?
That's right - a thing. Ah.
And the category for this week's prize is the best thing with eyes.
Rose will give 5 points to the best thing with eyes.
And at the end of this episode, the overall winner will have
five best things with eyes to take home with them.
Take it away, Rose.
OK, don't tell me what to do, but, yes.
LAUGHTER Er, welcome back, Anita.
Are you excited to be back at the semifinal? Yes.
Yes, what have you brought?
I've brought in a collage of David Attenborough in the shape of an eye.
Erm...Wow! AUDIENCE OOHS AND APPLAUDS
What makes this the best thing with eyes, Anita?
So, it's the best thing with eyes because David Attenborough
and his documentaries are an eye-opener,
and they draw you in.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS LAUGHING: Oh, my God!
He's enthusiastic about the planet.
He loves animals and plants, and he encourages us to, erm,
recycle and litter pick.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You've put me in a very difficult position there, Anita,
cos imagine if I'm like, "One point! Boring!
"Oh, I want to save the planet,
"oh, the sweetest little speech I've ever heard in my damn life!"
LAUGHTER
What's the favourite thing you've seen David Attenborough do?
Like, going to Antarctica and stuff.
Yes, would you go to Antarctica?
Maybe, if I had lots of coats.
LAUGHTER
Er, all right, moving on to August.
'Sup, man, what's up?
Wh-Wh-What's good, what's good?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Hit me with what you've got, August.
Potato!
DISAPPOINTED: Oh.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I mean, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no, OK. If we're clapping a potato,
have all of our standards slipped?
LAUGHTER
Look, August, we're talking about the best thing... Yeah.
..and that's a potato? Hit me with what you've got.
OK, first of all, this is a unpleasant-looking potato.
And you'd be, "Oh, where's the eyes, where's the eyes?" Yeah.
The - you see the brown spots, that's where the root comes from.
Yeah. Those are called eyes.
You didn't specify what type of eyes.
Oh, always like to get caught on a technicality.
Er, I know potatoes have eyes. I knew that, yeah. Yeah.
Does everyone know that? Yeah, I knew that.
Yeah, you knew that. Yeah, we all know eyes.
Well, yes, come on.
LAUGHTER You didn't know that, Mike?
All right, I'm going to move on to Finley. Good to see you again.
Good to see you, too. What have you brought in, Finley?
Well, I brought in a trophy of the words "winning".
Oh, OK!
Cos winning is a good thing.
You see, it's got two "eyes"... like a human does.
LAUGHTER
Why do you like winning so much, Finley?
Because I'm such a competitive person. OK.
Everybody knows that about me, especially my family.
How do you celebrate one of these wins?
Er, celebratory dance.
LAUGHTER
Er, look, Finley, I appreciate that, to you, the best thing ever
would be to win - however, unfortunately,
that is entirely under my control, so...
LAUGHTE
APPLAUSE
So, next up is Persia.
Hello, how you doing today? Good.
Yeah? OK, I'm very excited to see what you've brought in
for your Prize Task, so hit me with it.
So, what's the best thing that looks like eyes? Googly eyes.
I thought, what's the best thing with googly eyes?
"The best thing" written in googly eyes.
Ohh, OK! APPLAUSE
Wow!
I mean, I've got a soft spot for googly eyes, I do.
Why are googly eyes your favourite thing, Persia?
They're all around my house on all of the photos. Oh.
So, you see this family photo... Yeah. ..of when I was a little baby.
Yeah. Bam, googly eyes.
LAUGHTER
You know, I love the idea of being, like, a family ancestor,
passing my portrait down from generation to generation,
only to be absolutely disrespected by googly eyes.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to come to our last contestant.
Hello, Scarlett. Hello.
What have you brought in which is the best thing with eyes?
Well, I brought in something with real eyes
that they can see out of. OK.
I brought a guinea pig. You brought a guinea pig?
Er, well, it's like a voucher for a guinea pig.
LAUGHTER
OK, that downgrade happened within milliseconds here.
I mean, I literally can't see an eye in that Prize Task, Scarlett.
But you'd go and buy the guinea pig with the prize task,
and the guinea pig has eyes!
Yeah, and it comes with the eyes you're saying,
yeah, as a package. Yeah.
If you get the guinea pig without the eyes,
then it'd just look like a... weird blob of fluffiness.
LAUGHTER So, you have a guinea pig yourself?
I've got two. What are their names?
Cheddar and Cheeto.
Scarlett, why did you not bring in your own guinea pig?
Cos I'm not giving my guinea pig away!
Looks like someone didn't come to play today.
LAUGHTER
The stakes are high, it's the semifinals, Scarlett!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, look, honestly, you've all done an amazing job here. It's true.
So, look, I can't believe I'm not giving a potato a 1 point.
Let's go! LAUGHTER
So, Scarlett, er, as much as I love that, I didn't see any eyes,
so it's 1 point to Scarlett, all right?
2 points to a potato. Er, 3 points to Finley.
Thank you. And these are both very, very good. Mm-hm.
But I think what pipped it is that I just think he's
a national treasure, so 4 points to Persia,
but 5 points to Anita. Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE David Attenborough, made of eyes.
All righty, ah...
..OK, Michael Elizabeth Jane Pennyweather Wozniak -
if that even is your real name - what is the first task?
This task revolves around your friend and mine - milk.
THEY GASP Oh, this one!
Hello. Hello, August.
Hello.
Hello, Persia.
Hello, Scarlett.
Everything OK?
Terrifying.
Hi. Hello, Anita.
Yoo-hoo. Finley.
Why? Ah.
"Pump up the inflatable cows.
"When the doorbell rings...
DOORBELL RINGS
"You must remind Mike that he needs to buy some milk."
Mike. Yeah? Buy your milk.
Exactly.
"When the cow bell rings...
COW BELL RINGS
"..you must answer the door...
"..shout, "Is that the milkman?'
"..then tell Mark, the milkman, a secret.
"If you fail to respond to the bells,
"ten seconds will be added to your overall time.
"The fastest person to pump up five inflatable cows wins."
Are you much of a, er, milk guy?
I am, I do drink milk quite a lot.
Ever milked a sheep?
No. Apparently you, er, milk sheep on their backs.
Did you know that?
I do not believe that you are telling the truth...
OK, yeah, I get that a lot. ..about that.
I-I don't think you milk - can even milk a sheep.
You can milk a pigeon, mate, if you try hard enough.
LAUGHTER
What would it take for you to reveal a secret?
Good grief. SHE LAUGHS
Would you like me to tell you a secret?
If you want to.
When I was your age, I went into Mr Jamison's office.
I stole a fig roll.
You know you just told, like, loads of people, not just me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Finley, you got a lot of milking chat with Mike there.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Have you been on a farm?
Ever been on a farm Finley? Once.
Yeah? How was that?
Terrible.
Pumpkin picking. Got all my clothes dirty.
How would you cope in a farm, do you reckon you could run a farm?
I could work at a farm... Do you reckon?
..but at, like, a farm, like, the gift shop. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Did at some point, Mike say that you could milk a pigeon if you had to?
No, you can't. You can't milk a pigeon.
But Persia's our resident pigeon expert.
Well, pigeons eat crops,
and pigeons can feed their young pigeon milk.
They brew it in their, in a... a special pouch.
Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done. Gosh.
At one point, Anita, did this - which was quite dark, I gotta say.
Was that an expression of how good you are at keeping a secret?
Yeah. How many secrets are you holding right now?
I'm not going to say.
Wow! Wow.
That's MI5 level! LAUGHTER
OK, it's a bit of a silly one here, Mike - whereas all of our
other tasks so far have been deadly serious, of course.
Er, who are we going to see first?
First up, it's Persia and Scarlett. Hmm.
Got a strategy?
Pump.
Just pump the cows.
Pump the cows. Two at a time.
DOOR BELL RINGS
BOTH: Mike you need to buy some milk. Thank you.
COW BELL RINGS Oh.
Is that the milkman?
You the milkman?
No-one knows this... but I'm going to see Taylor Swift.
Here's a secret - I'm doing Taskmaster!
LAUGHTER DOORBELL RINGS
BOTH: You need to buy some milk! Thank you.
COW BELL RINGS
Is that the milkman?
My best friend has a boyfriend.
AUDIENCE GASPS
Pray that... Oh, my lord! DOOR BELL RINGS
You need to buy some milk. Thank you.
Mike, you need to buy some milk. Thank you.
COW BELL RINGS
I have a secret friend from Norway.
DOOR BELL RINGS
You need to buy some milk. Thank you.
Is that the milkman?
I want another dog, but my dad can't know!
LAUGHTER
Come on! Yes!
COW BELL RINGS
I'll be back for you, cow.
DOORBELL RINGS
You need to buy some milk. Thank you.
I love potatoes.
DOORBELL RINGS Mike, get some milk!
Doing well, by the looks of things. DOORBELL RINGS
You need to buy some milk. Thank you. And they're all done.
WHISTLE BLOWS TWICE
Thank you, Scarlett.
Thank you, Persia. Goodbye. Goodbye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Persia... Persia, has your friend been warned about the outing
of the boyfriend situation? Mm-mm, mm-mm. Mm-mm...
Oh, my God! Girl!
LAUGHTER
Is she going to freak out?
That face says it all, to be honest.
That face says it all.
Erm, Scarlett, is it true, though,
that you are going to see Taylor Swift? Yeah.
Ooh - I mean, who is that a secret from, Taylor Swift?
LAUGHTER
But it's not really a secret any more, I kind of told everyone.
Right, yeah. Everyone knows.
Everyone knows, cos you're a massive Taylor Swift fan. Yeah.
Fantastic. And Persia, you mentioned that you would like another dog.
But your dad can't know. Hmm.
Have you...? Well, it's too late now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It is time for an ad break,
so go put the kettle on for Auntie Rose, go on!
Milk, one sugar!
It's not going to make itself! See you in a few.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, hello there! Welcome back to Junior Taskmaster -
the show where we make children miss days of vital schooling
to pop balloons and juggle eggs for our amusement.
It's severely impacting their learning.
LAUGHTER What's next, Mike?
It's time for Anita and August.
Ah!
DOORBELL RINGS
You need to buy some milk. Oh, thank you.
DOORBELL RINGS
Mike, you need to buy some milk. Thank you, Anita.
COW BELL RINGS
So, how I got my haircut is that I cut it myself...
..without my mum knowing.
LAUGHTER
Hmm, that's scary.
ARE YOU THE MILKMAN?!
Hi.Hello. COW BELL RINGS
Bye.
LAUGHTER
DOORBELL RINGS
You have to buy milk. Thank you.
COW BELL RINGS
HE GROANS LOUDLY
ARE YOU THE MILKMAN?!
Did you know Mike told me a secret?
He once went into someone's room
and stole a fig roll.
LAUGHTER COW BELL RINGS
My secret is that you should cut your moustache!
LAUGHTER
DOORBELL RINGS Anita.
You need to buy some milk. Thank you.
Wait, I could just do two at a time.
How much time do I have left?
It's fastest wins.
LAUGHTER
COW BELL RINGS
Why?!
Erm...my secret to...
DOORBELL RINGS
Buy milk! Thank you.
Can you pass me that last cow, please?
LAUGHTER
I've finished. DOORBELL RINGS
Buy milk. WHISTLE BLOWS
You need to buy some milk. Thank you, Anita.
WHISTLE BLOWS
HE SIGHS Did you enjoy that, August?
No! LAUGHTER
Oh, done.
APPLAUSE
Oh, wow. Good job, man.
How did you feel at the end of that task?
I was filled with regret that... yeah.
LAUGHTER
Anita, nowhere in the task did it say that you had
to SCREAM it at the milkman.
Why did you want to scream at Mark?
Because he's annoying.
LAUGHTER
All of you seemed very frustrated with the task.
I mean, did you guys find that quite frustrating, as well?
Yeah, cos no-one tells me secrets.
Why don't they tell you secrets? Why don't they tell you secrets?
Because I just tell everyone's secrets.
LAUGHTER
Like, my dad says I'm a blabbermouth.
Er, you've gotta be open and honest in this world, Scarlett,
never change. Er...
LAUGHTER
We do have one person left, don't we?
We do indeed, and it is Finley.
DOORBELL RINGS
Is that the milkman?
Is that the milk...?
Oh, you need to buy your milk! Oh, thank you.
DOORBELL RINGS
COW BELL RINGS
He's wearing Crocs!
He's your milk.
Thank you very much, Finley.
Oh, I need to pump up the s... DOORBELL RINGS
You need to buy milk.
Hi.
Mike doesn't brush his teeth.
LAUGHTER DOORBELL RINGS
Stop ringing the bell!
DOORBELL RINGS
Is that the milkman?!
COW BELL RINGS
Is that the milkman?!
DOORBELL RINGS
I'm incredibly tired!
LAUGHTER
COW BELL RINGS Is that the milkman?
DOORBELL RINGS
I have finished with this task.
They're all blown up.
I'll be back in a sec.
Got a trophy.
LAUGHTER
Thanks, Finley.
Poor Mark.
APPLAUSE
ROSE LAUGHS
Oh...what kind of sick person would offer a head as a trophy?
Don't look here! Don't look!
Don't look here!
Finley, talk me through what I've just watched.
Where were you at in this task? Well, I was in, er,
"Finley brain does not work" state of mind.
LAUGHTER What would you have done different?
Threw Mark's head across the room.
But he's not even real, Finley!
He's a mannequin! He's a mannequin.
He's probably back in a shop right now.
LAUGHTER
Finley, you are talking about my closest personal friend.
He was Mike's best man at his wedding.
LAUGHTER
So, you're literally just saying Mike has no friends,
cos his best friend's a mannequin?
That is exactly what I'm saying, yeah.
Er, so Mike, hit me with some stats.
Missing a bell or misinterpreting a bell... Hmm.
..there was a penalty for that.
Finley missed 29 bells... OK.
..altogether, which meant your total time technically was
13 minutes and 48 seconds. Anita missed 11 bells,
so got a total of 14 minutes and five seconds.
August only missed three bells - 12 minutes and 19 seconds.
Scarlett was very quick with no missed bells at all,
five minutes, 57.
Persia also missed no bells, and blasted through it in
four minutes and 53 seconds.
OK, all right!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very clear task!
Anita is 1 point, Finley with 2 points,
3 points to August, 4 points to Scarlett,
but that is the full 5 points to Persia.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Shall we see how that all looks on the scoreboard, Mike?
Er, we certainly can. Here we go, it is very tight indeed.
Three of them on 5 points and one on 6,
but lurching ahead is Persia with 9 points. Whoo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Close!
All right, Mike, you better have another task for us,
or so help me God!
The strangest thing has happened.
I really miss my dog.
It's very odd, cos I don't have a dog.
Not my words, the words of Bono -
which, in this next task, couldn't be less helpful. OK.
LAUGHTER
Hello, Anita. Hello.
Persia. Hi.
Hello, August. Hello.
Hello, Finley. Hello.
Hello, Scarlett. Hello, Mike.
How's it going? Good.
Oh, yeah, I can do a talent.
You've learnt a new talent since I've seen you?
Right, so I'm Scouse. Yeah.
But I can turn London, like...
You've learnt a London accent.
IN LONDON ACCENT: Shall we go to the "pole"?
To the north pole? To the "pole", like a swimming "pole".
It's meant to be pool.
I understand you when you say it in Scouse.
"On the next task, write down...
"..A number between one and ten in the first hole...
"..A letter of the alphabet in the second hole...
"..And one of the five objects in front of you in the third hole.
"You have one minute.
"Your time starts now."
So, here's your next task.
You can see there's a hole for the number.
First hole... Three holes? ..second hole, third hole.
Here's a pen. OK.
What number are you going for?
Er, I think I'm going to go with four.
Three. Seven. Eight.
Nine. Nine, why nine?
Because nine's my age.
Best age so far? SHE MUTTERS
OK.
WHISPERS: What's the next one?
Letter of the alphabet.
G. F. L.
A. S...
And an object in front of me.
One of these five objects.
A briefcase, pan... Yeah. ..a yoga mat...
Yeah. ..a tray, and that's four.
There's no other thing? Yeah, there is.
Can I please open this now? Certainly.
DRAMATIC BUBBLY ORGAN STING
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ooh!
Anita, best age, nine - do you stand by that?
HESITANTLY: Nine's good.
LAUGHTER
Did anyone have a favourite age? Persia.
One.
Everyone cleans up after you, you never get in trouble,
you can scream in public, only people look at you weird.
To be fair, you can do that at 32, as well.
LAUGHTER
What was your favourite age, Mike?
Oh, right now, yeah,
but I think I was born a middle-aged man.
LAUGHTER
The first man to be 44 for his entire life. Just, yeah.
All right, I want to know more about this task. Who was up first, Mike?
You bet - it is Anita, August, and Finley. OK.
"Balance seven different things beginning with A...
"..Nine different things beginning with G...
"Balance four different things beginning with L...
ALL: "..On a frying pan.
"Fastest wins.
"You have a maximum of ten minutes.
"Your time starts now."
L.
G - what starts with G?
Ah!
A jumper.
A jumper? Jumper.
LAUGHTER Can I go to the shed?
Wait! Jumper doesn't start with a G!
No. It starts with a J.
That's a shame, isn't it? Yeah.
Good, good, good, good, good...
Wait, question. Yes.
Can I say things like "A banana"?
All the information's in the task. I'm going to do so.
That'll do it.
Right. That's a torch.
LAUGHTER
So, you picked up a light, and then, dismissed it as a torch.
LAUGHTER
Green balloon.
Green stick.
Green thingymebob. LAUGHTER
It's a torch.
I'll classify it as a light.
You'll classify it as a light,
so that counts, does it?
You've found an L?
Anchor - this actually begins with A. OK.
OK, that's it.
Balance.
One, two...
Your pan can't be on the table.
You've gotta be standing holding the pan.
..five, six...
Let me know when you've done it. Done.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Is it? Ahh!
Oh, my grass! Eight.
There we go.
Is it good? You done? Yes.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Wait, I'm on one leg.
One - good lord.
WHISTLE BLOWS OK, bye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK. Wow.
And Finley, er, you went with L.
Because I have an amazing little sister called Lily.
Ah! Shout-out Lily. AUDIENCE AWWS
August, a glue?
You think I was born yesterday, dude?
Hold it, hold it hear me out.
If you say, "Oh, I need a toothbrush,"
you wouldn't say, "I need toothbrush."
"I need a brick." Yeah.
You wouldn't say, "I need brick," you say, "I need a brick."
Anita, you, are you challenging him?
You don't think I should accept As? No.
The girl who's saying "green-" everything...
LAUGHTER
..is telling me I shouldn't accept an A.
So, you've got a noun. Yes.
But the noun doesn't start with the A.
You have the A, then you have a finger space,
then you have the noun!
Er, you've got adjective finger space now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's all from the wonderful lady who brought up gumper, er...
LAUGHTER
Ah! Oh, gosh, Mike, I think there's something under your shoe, actually.
Oh... Yeah, oh, what's that?
Oh, oh! Ha!
Please, enjoy these ads.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show where plucky young bakers
battle it out in the tent for the honour of my coveted handsha...
No, sorry, that's the wrong autocue there.
Er, no, anyway, you're watching Junior Taskmaster!
What's up next, Mike?
Er, we have Scarlett and Persia. Hmm.
SHE CHUCKLES
One of the things in front of you.
Hmm, what are you thinking?
Probably briefcase. Yeah.
You could be an item.
Well...some would see that as an insult.
I'm going to say "Mike".
You're going to say Mike? Yeah, you.
"Balance eight different things...
"..Three different things...
"..beginning with S...
"..beginning with F.
"..on a briefcase.
"..on a Mike.
"Fastest wins.
"You have a maximum of ten minutes.
"Your time starts now."
OK. How am I going to balance things on you?
I've got salt.
You've got one object, OK. One.
I'm going to the shed.
Don't know if anyone's ever balanced anything on me before.
This is a plush fish.
This is a rubber fish.
Are they different things, are they?
Yeah, they're different materials.
That's a salmon. Oh, a stick.
But glasses - are spectacles glasses? Yeah.
Are they? OK. Stunning.
Flashlight? Flashlight. Ooh.
Americana. Let's go.
OK. Right.
Straw, stick... Spoon.
..spoon, S... S...
OK, Mike. Yes.
I'm going to need you... Yeah.
..to sit like this.
Golly.
Done.
LAUGHTER
OK, done!
SHE CHUCKLES
WHISTLE BLOWS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you, Persia.Bye.
Do you respect me, Persia?
LAUGHTER
Yep.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I mean, look, why do you even ask that question, Mike,
when so clearly, she doesn't? LAUGHTER
I think it's quite nice to regard him as an item.
I think that's a compliment. But what was - was there a, like,
I only heard four in that task.
The fifth item was the table.
AUDIENCE GROANS Oh. OK. No-one went for the table.
Which would've been a potentially easy thing to balance stuff on.
Yeah! Er, two fish there, Persia.
OK. OK. Yeah. So... Yeah.
..there's a lot of things different about these two fish.
Number one... Hmm. ..one's this big. Yes.
Other one's that big. OK.
One is made out of rubber, one's plush, those are different.
Yes. That doesn't make sense when you say "plush fish,"
because on the footage... Hmm.
..they wrote in that fancy cool writing... Yeah.
Bracket, brackets. Yeah.
"..fish-bracket-plush." Yeah! Yeah.
Not "plush-bracket-fish."
SHE LAUGHS That's quite good! I do want to...
I do want to talk to Scarlett. Why did you choose S?
Scarlett. Oh, Scarlett - oh, yeah that's your name.
Erm, God, I must remember them. LAUGHTER
Look, I'm going to accept everyone on their terms. Yes!
So, this task was all about how fast you did that in.
Mike, what are the stats?
If it's just times you're after...
Yeah. ..the slowest was August, with eight minutes, 58. OK.
Then Anita, six minutes and four seconds. OK.
Finley, five minutes and 49 seconds.
Scarlett, three minutes, 55.
Persia absolutely blazing ahead on one minute, 43 seconds.
OK, fine, all right. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Perfect, I'm taking it as it is, so 1 point to August,
2 points to Anita, 3 points to Finley,
4 points to Scarlett, but 5 points to Persia.
There we go. That's it, that's how I've ruled it!
APPLAUSE
What's next, Mike?
The next task focuses on the engine room of the British economy -
poetry.
Yes!Yes! THEY GASP
No, I hated this one.
Hello. Hello, August.
Hello, Persia. Hello.
Hello, Scarlett.
Anita. Hi!
Hello, Finley. How are you?
Good.
"Write a poem about your favourite celebrity.
"Your poem must have at least four lines.
"You must perform your poem to Mike in ten minutes.
"Best celebrity poem wins.
"A bonus point will be awarded for the most dramatic performance.
"Your time...
"..Starts...
"..Now." WATCH BEEPS
Have you got a celebrity in mind?
Yes - Adam Sandler.
The Rock, there we go.
The Rock? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Yeah.
Dare I ask who your celebrity might be?
Taylor Swift. Obviously.
I had a feeling.
Would someone who's been in Taskmaster count as a celebrity?
I know who I'm doing. Who?
Hello.
Hello. Who's the celebrity?
You. Me?
Guz.
Guz Khan? Yeah, he was just generally a good contestant.
I want to do a limerick.
You like a limerick? Er, it's the easiest.
It's the easiest.
I'm doing acrostic. Are you?
Do you know what acrostic is?
So, you could do "marvellous Mike,"
and then, "ignorant Mike."
LAUGHTER
Icon - what rhymes with icon?
You tell me.
Icon, schm-icon.
Icon, l-icon.
I'm not doing a rhyming poem.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
We've each got our talents, and that.
I mean, who has shown you the ancient texts of Adam Sandler?
Adam Sandler - first, he's amazing.
He plays the same character in every movie, which I love.
I've watched Just Go With It, I've watched Grown Ups,
I've watched every single... I've watched Hotel Transylvania.
Wow, it's amazing, I'm just laughing cos Just Go With It is, like,
literally a romcom with Jennifer Aniston. Erm...
I know. I know, it's amazing. LAUGHTER
Scarlett, I love it - in yours, though, you've chosen Taylor,
you started with icon, and that was the non-negotiable word, yeah?
Because she is an icon.
She is.
You can't just have a poem about Taylor Swift going,
"Taylor Swift is amazing."
No, Taylor Swift is an icon.
Is an icon? Icon.
Icon, and I love the only thing you came up with was icon schm-icon,
which sounds very sarcastic.
LAUGHTER
Persia, you could've chosen any Taskmaster contestant,
and, you know, you didn't go for me. I just want to say...
You didn't go for me. I just want to say...
Yeah, you want to say, yeah?
..you are the best one. Yeah.
But... Hmm.
..offstage, Guz made me laugh.
I'm not saying that you didn't make me laugh. Guz...
Hold me back. Hold me back, Mike. Hold me back!
I don't want this to take a dark turn!
You were even.
Yeah, OK - if I'm even with Guz, that's fine.
OK, so I'm looking forward to seeing the celeb poems.
Who is up first? It's Finley and August.
Oh, OK.
Right, are you ready for my dramatic performance?
I'm most certainly ready.
No, you're going to need some popcorn.
Can it be imaginary popcorn, please? Yes. Thank you.
Was that dramatic enough for you? Do I get bonus points?
That's up to Rose.
Done.
HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS Thank you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow, OK. August, I enjoyed that it was, like,
a beat poetry delivery of that limerick.
I didn't follow, like, the basic syllables or, like, structure of it.
No, I think you kind of did. I think you nailed it.
I mean, like, do you ever perform? No. No, not a performer?
I'm chill. LAUGHTER
Finley, I reckon you were working backwards from the word "old".
He is quite old, though, isn't he?
Is he 46? I-I think...
He's 57.
LAUGHTER No, he's not!
He looks so young!
Erm, all righty, who is next?
Time for Persia. OK.
Pigeon!
There you go, Mike.
Mm-mm-hmm!
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Mm-mm-hmm!
Just get dramatic.
Extremely dramatic.
Doing so well, Mike. Very dramatic.
OK, you're done.
WHISTLE BLOWS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you, Persia.No problem.
Now, Persia, I feel like I've watched some sort of
weird experimental theatre piece from the '60s. Well...
That was... No, no, no, before you say anything bad about that,
it's clearly...
Wow, they're catching on, these kids!
Go on, Persia. ..it clearly said it was dramatic.
Hmm. What's more dramatic than...?
A middle-aged man exercising on the floor?
LAUGHTER
Persia, I would argue that maybe, you outsourced the drama there.
You made someone else do the work that maybe perhaps
you should've done, yes?
I spoke dramatically.
You did speak like a person in slow motion.
Give me a bit of "Guz Khan..."
DRAMATICALLY: "Guz Khan, you were my favourite Taskmaster contestant."
That was good!
That was quite good! It's quite regal.
Hey, I would love to see who's next, Mike.
Er, it is Scarlett.
Done. Done?
But before I perform... Mm-hm.
..I need some...dramatic lighting.
Oh. Very well.
Oh, this is better.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
WITH HUSHED REVERENCE: Thank you, Scarlett.
Thank you. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow, wow, wow. Scarlett,
I think you brought yourself to tears at one point there.
Is that a skill you have?
TEARFULLY:Yeah. LAUGHTER
I will say this - what was the poem element of that?
There's acoustic poems, there's rhyming poems.
Mm-hm, mm-hm. There's other poems out there.
Right. And my poem... Yeah.
..was from the heart.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, I just about buy that.
Er...all right,
last advert break now, so enjoy it while it lasts.
Hang ten, stay cool, never change, etc, etc.
See you afterwards. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the final part of the show!
Mikey, my little church mouse, where are we at?
Before the break, we enjoyed some poems about the great
and the good of modern celebrity.
We've now got one more to go - and it's Anita. Mm.
OK.
Are you going to tell me why you're getting all this stuff? No.
Ow! This is heavy. OK.
Am I holding that? No.
Go. You want me to hold that, as well? Mike. Yes.
Can you get in the shed, please?
Certainly what do you want me to do?
OK, you are one of my favourite items from the shed. Oh, Anita.
SHE WHISPERS: The megaphone. It's quite a quiet one.
Moustache. Ooh.
So, we're going to go to the zebras. OK. Got it.
Yay!
Mike Wozniak.
"Marvellous Mike.
"I like Mike.
"Kangaroo Mike does a pike.
"Every teddy he has, he cuddles tight.
"You, Mike, are so fab I will give you a gift.
"My top ten favourite items from the shed - including you."
AUDIENCE AWWS
Thank you, Anita. You're welcome.
HE SNIFFLES
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So... Yeah, OK. ..I need to say something. OK.
Every other person here... Mm-hm.
..who tried to make theirs dramatic,
they did it like this - ooh!
LAUGHTER
But instead, the scene was dramatic,
because I was sat on a zebra, I had a moustache,
I was wearing all the multiple thingymebobs.
So, it's still dramatic.
OK, it was a moving, moving acrostic about how brilliant Mike is.
Mike, just the image of you and Anita on those little zebras
with the moustache on, I like that.
"Kangaroo Mike does a pike," I just remembered that, as well.
Mm-hm. "Kangaroo Mike." Who's Kangaroo Mike?
I am Kangaroo Mike.Oh! LAUGHTER
I gave her two names - Mike and Kangaroo Mike.
It's points time - now, this is entirely up to
my emotional response to these poems,
and the quality of them so, look,
Persia, I feel like it was a short poem, you outsourced the drama,
so I'm going to give 1 point to Persia,
August, I feel like your heart wasn't in it, 2 points.
Finley, very, very dramatic, and look we all love Adam Sandler,
3 points to Finley. Now, it's between these two -
I think, look, I love a bit of lighting, I love a bit of drama,
and a lot of passion behind it, so it's 4 points to Scarlett,
and it's going to be 5 points to Anita.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I think everyone had different interpretations of drama,
but I gotta say, taking it outside, taking it to the shed,
putting a moustache on -
I'm going to give the bonus point to Anita. Thank you!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right!
What has that done to the scores, Mike?
Oh, it is tight.
We've got August in fifth place with 8 points,
Finley on 11, Scarlett, 13,
Anita on 14, and Persia on 15.
It's very, very close, indeed. Very close!
Whoa! All right, you adorable little scamps,
make your way over to the stage for the final task of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, Mike-beth, who is reading out tonight's final task?
Finley, please, if you do the business.
I shall.
"Unroll the roll of sticky tape.
"Put all the sticky tape into your bumbag.
"Zip up the bumbag and hold the naked cardboard wheel
"above your head.
"You must wear your bumbag at all times. Fastest wins."
OK, I'll take that off you, so you've got both hands free, Finley.
Thank you. Are you all clear on what is happening?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, you've gotta unfurl the Sellotape,
and then, that Sellotape has gotta end up in your bumbag.
Yeah. Mm-hm.
Good luck one and all.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Come on, let's go!
Persia's deploying the foot.
Come on, guys.
I'm Batman!
Persia's done.
We're doing it!
Anita's done.
That's it, August, you're getting there.
Stuck to me hand!
I thought, "Don't get it on something
"that you can't put in your bumbag."
HE SCREECHES
Oh, my hand is stuck!
Pair of sticky boxing gloves are happening over here.
Well done, Finley.
CHEERING
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mike, let's score that up
and see how that affects the final scores.
Get back down here. Come on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Mike, that was a lot of tape.
That was a lot of tape. Yeah.
And now, they'll be wheeling it all onto the tape again, and then,
they're going to... Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah.
OK, I think it was pretty clear-cut. Yeah.
It was clear-cut, it was tough,
there was some boxing glove situations. Yeah, yes.
Times-wise, Finley managed four minutes, 35 seconds. Mm-hm.
Scarlett, two minutes, 32 seconds.
Anita, one minute, 31,
and Persia, one minute, 24.
Very close indeed with those two. APPLAUSE
OK, what does that mean points-wise, Mike?
Points-wise, it means 1 to August,
2 to Finley, 3 to Scarlett,
4 to Anita, and 5 to Persia.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right! Mike, I am dying to know these scores.
Tell me the scores. The final scores...
You gotta tell me the scores, man, why won't you tell me the scores?!
Well, these results are sickeningly exciting, Rose,
because the runner-up and the winner will be going
straight through to the final.
There is also one space available for whoever comes third with
the most points across both semis,
but we won't find out who made the cut until the finale.
AUDIENCE OOHS So, here we go, in fifth place,
with 9 points, we have August, ladies and gentlemen!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In fourth place with 13 points, it's Finley!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Third is Scarlett, with 16 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And with 18 points -
and guaranteed through to the final - in second place,
it's Anita!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Which means, joining her in our final,
and with an almighty 20 points...
Tonight's winner is Persia!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Go on up and collect your things with eyes!
Well, that is your lot for the first semifinal.
And the only thing more exciting than a semifinal
is a second semifinal!
So, make sure you come back next week -
but in the meantime, let's hear it for all of our contestants,
and of course, tonight's winner, Persia!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media