I can not think!
Did the others understand this?
A warm welcome to Kongen Befaler.
Olli, now you may tell those at home what they can expect tonight.
Yes, I can do that. You can expect to follow the participants
in a magical world of puzzles, adventures and gloom.
That wasn't so bad. So, an ordinary episode of Kongen Befaler,
where the participants give everything to get one step closer to
the most splendid prize, a bust in gold... of me!
Olli. Yes?
Can you shout the names of the contestants into my ear?
Steinar Sagen!
Ida Fladen!
Amir Asgharnejad!
Einar Tørnquist!
And Solveig Kloppen!
I think it's better if I do it myself. Steinar Sagen!
Ida Fladen. Amir Asgharnejad.
Einar Tørnquist and Solveig Kloppen!
Yes, here we have the current standings, and it's really Tørnquist himself
who reigns at the top.
I had forgotten that. You forgot that?
I was about to ask how your week had been.
I wondered if it had done anything to you, if the success had gone to your head
or if you're you still Einar "from the block"?
Well, I thought I was in second place.
I see myself as one of the people.
Not necessarily as part of the elite, as I apparently am.
So for me it has been a completely normal week.
But I'm shocked now, as it turns out I am part of the elite.
I'm the foremost of them all. -For now.
Yes, thanks. -For now.
No one has crossed the finish line yet. We don't know how people have spread
their efforts. So I would be careful not to get too cocky.
Amir, you can answer very briefly.
If you could not respond in your slow Southern Norwegian dialect,
but very fast. Short, in Bokmål [a modified form of Danish]. Are you OK?
I'm having a great time... -Stop! Then we have to get started!
The first task is ready.
Yes, the first task is as always
a prize task. The participants will today bring
something that is too long. And whoever wins this programme,
gets to take the long objects home.
And it should not necessarily be that long. It must be too long.
Then we'll start right away with Ida.
Oi, God! Yes, then we'll see. -Surprised that you are participating?
Oh, that's long!
This is my great-grandfather.
I do not know if he was very tall.
Or long. But what I know,
is that his given name was way, way, way too long.
OK. -Because his name was
Harry William Christer Peder Johan Jensen.
It's too long! -And just a plain Jensen in the end?
Oh my. -Five given names. And one surname.
That's too long a given name.
Only royals can be forgiven for having more than three first names.
Exactly! It's too long. -Yes, definitely too long.
Do you have his birth certificate? You're not allowed to just make it up.
You can check it.
Cool, if the producers can verify it...
See if they can find an old vehicle registration.
Look at Steinar's confidence, because he has a long... He's looking forward to it.
Then we go straight to Steinar who has such self-confidence.
That should be damn good.
I was standing in the bathroom the other day.
And I thought, "I need to clean my ears."
But don't you know I found a Q-tip that was...
way too long.
Look at that long Q-tip!
That's a long Q-tip. -Was it in the box with the others?
Yes, quite right. -Oi!
Johnson & Johnson. -There must be a manufacturing defect.
Yes, it's way too long.
But it would work well for a troll? -No.
Yes. No.
Einar has a burning question.
It would have been too long if there were two small tufts on the ends.
But it is completely proportional. It's not too long at all!
It's just the right length.
It's too long for me.
I must admit that it is a little too long for its use.
It's too big too. But also too long.
Absolutely, it's solved.
Your turn, Einar. -Let's do it.
Yes, then we're going to an old friend of mine,
which has been on the windowsill for a very long time. It is a plant that...
It is a very beautiful green plant.
But what I think is too long,
are these outgrowths here. -Yes.
They should not be like that. And those there.
Is it aerial roots? -Look at that plant, should it be like that?
Completely pointless. Such things should be in the ground.
It's too long! -Yes, I have the same at home.
Annoys me green. -What are they?
They're roots! But I don't know why it has them.
If you water it too little, it will look for new places where it can find water.
It's a "survivor". -Yes.
It's too long, I agree. The task is solved. Amir, what do you have?
I brought a picture that I had hanging on the wall.
It's a picture I have on the wall. It's a duck.
And then there's the duck's penis. -Oi!
Oh, it is? -It's twice as long as the duck.
I think it's way too long. It is much longer than the duck.
Do you know if the lady duck thinks it's too long?
She also thinks it is too long.
You've checked.
I have it on the wall. On bad days, I look at it
and think: "It is possible to get things that are longer than yourself."
But a fun fact. -That picture gives you confidence?
It can give everyone confidence.
I get a lot of confidence from seeing it.
But fun fact, I learned this on Brille. [Einar's show, like QI]
The lady duck has a vagina that is like that.
She has the equivalent. -Yes, yes.
I reckon she has something adapted to this.
That's an advantage. -But it's not long.
More like a corkscrew. -Spiral.
Oh well. We are not going to go into depth on that.
But we're moving on to you. What have you brought with you?
I wonder.
He's been sitting there for a long time. [Magnus Devold, contestant from series 2]
The question is, Mister Devold,
do you agree? That you are too long?
I agree every time I'm in a car or a plane, for example.
Yes. -So pretty much every single day.
For example, when I have to hide in a tent.
If I'm allowed to bring one thing to this contest,
I'd enter the waiting time I've had in the tent.
What do you have on him? It's impressive that you managed to drag him in there.
You didn't say anything, did you? -I did not.
Who do you hope you get to go home with?
Oh, it's probably you, Solveig.
Then I assume I'll get some of those points added to the score from my season.
So I can secure my fourth place even more.
Yes, even if you get five points today It doesn't change the overall score.
I checked that. -Oh, you have.
It's very politically incorrect to say that people's bodies are wrong, that they're too long.
It's not very "woke".
I think you're just the right length, Magnus.
I think you're too small. -I think you're too long.
Have you made up your mind? -I think it's most important
that the person who brought the prize agrees with themselves that it's too long.
I have made up a partial opinion. It's not very easy.
We have to put you in last place, Ida. -Do you mean that?
There are many first names, but there is fierce competition.
Einar only gets two points for the plant. The duck penis gets three.
Four to Steinar, because he has done an honest day's labour for the first time in 20 years
And of course Solveig runs away with five points!
Lovely.
I would like to see something that combines
poor sports performance
with lousy food. That's not too much to ask for, Olli?
No, I think it's just right.
So then I'll serve you this.
Hey, Olli! what's up? -Oh, look at that!
Oh, pizza!
I'm no stranger to a little "grandis" [Grandiosa pizza].
Cold. -Cold, yes.
"Throw the pizza into the oven from the farthest distance."
"You have five minutes. Your last attempt counts.
Time starts now."
It's a throw, yes. The longest possible distance, yes.
That's right, yes. Exactly, yes. Last attempt.
So I decide, then? -Yes.
Here you just have to adjust your pizza aim
and throw it into the oven from far away. And the last attempt counts.
That can be easy to forget in the heat of the pizza-oven battle.
Who do we start with? -What about the three who thrive in height?
Solveig, Amir and Einar. -Yes.
From up there and drop it straight down.
Yeah right? That's possible. I'll start with that.
Hey! I'm pretty good at throwing. Hey hey!
That was close. How many minutes left?
Three. -That's really good.
Could you manage to move that oven to the ground there?
Because it's further down. If you can be a little quick.
Oh, and then you hurry.
And then you open it. Could you take out that grate?
Super! Thank you!
How much time do I have now? -2:48 left.
Now I'm just thinking. It does not say that it must be the whole pizza.
I can break it into pieces.
Part of a pizza is the pizza.
Miss. -That's a miss.
Two and a half minutes left. -Yes. Thanks.
No! Miss.
Hey, Olli! Are you hungry? -Yes.
Have a pizza, then. Is that in?
Come on!
What do you think? -If it's there long enough,
it'll melt down. Like that, it was a little higher.
One minute left. -One minute left?
It was at least the prettiest throw of the whole day.
No!
Yes! Nearly.
Nearly.
Now I have... -One minute left.
There! Yes!
That's in.
How much time do I have left? -Now you have 50 seconds.
Yes, I'm coming. I have a bit left so I can try one last time
from an even longer distance.
I have one in. Oh no, the last throw counts.
No, then it's fine. I'm finished.
How much time do I have left?
1:20.
That first one was pretty good.
No!
The pizza is broken.
No, you know what.
It does not get easier the closer you are.
I was so happy with that one there.
Thanks for now, Olli. It was a fun task.
It... Cut it out!
You were very happy with the first throw.
What about the last?
That was shit. -Yes, it was.
I got the whole pizza in?
I can not bear to talk about it. Take someone else.
I can talk to Solveig. She was very happy.
Yes, now I was shouting to myself:
"Don't do it!" I had forgotten that I didn't take the last throw.
You were very correct: "Then I stop there."
But you understood the principle very well.
It is the last attempt that counts.
I'm quite impressed. Not to mention Amir.
It's very sad that we can't award style points.
It was second to none the most elegant I have seen.
Thanks. -We can start with Einar.
It would have been six meters if you had let the attempt from the window be the last.
But we can take a look, and you will see how close it was.
Let's see. There, I would say that the tip of the shoe is practically on top of it.
I have added goodwill and rounded up to 5 cm.
I'll take what I can get. -It's not that bad.
Amir, you ended up at 4.6 meters. Elegant and beautiful.
Solveig, even though it looked risky,
it was 6.4 meters and in the lead for now. It's not bad.
But there are two left. So nothing is decided.
Definitely not. Here we have two
who have thrown a "grandis" in the oven on a winter night before. Steinar and Ida.
Exactly, the longest possible distance, yes. Exactly, yes.
I need some tape. Was it five minutes?
If I hit from here, I'm happy. But I don't know. Ok...
Damn not bad.
That's not bad, either.
It's important to keep the positivity up.
Come on!
What a load of crap.
It's much easier to toss a rolled up pizza.
A calzone, if you will.
No, but, is it possible? -Come on.
No!
Fuck!
Hell! -25 seconds left.
Thanks for the backing, Olli. Heck, this is not impressive.
But that was impressive.
15 seconds left. -A little debris.
Time.
Forty seconds left. -What the fuck?
Maybe I should have taken out the grate a long time ago.
Could have made it easier.
Steiner, first of all, is that how you make calzone?
I must be honest, I had never made calzone before that day.
It was my first calzone.
One of your throws was not so bad.
But since it's the last throw...
But I was just cleaning up a little. -Yes, you're too polite.
That was stupid, because it was some of the pizza that you cleaned up.
The pizza is the ball. The rest is just trash.
You walked into the Einar trap. -Don't call it that! No.
You now have your own trap named after you. Not everyone gets that.
Steinar fell into the Einar trap.
I assume you have the results, Olli. -Yes.
Let's see. Ida's pizza: 1.83 meters.
It's not bad. -Wow!
Steinar, you're saved by a stiff old man's body,
and needing more space to bend than Einar, so 30cm.
No! -From shoe tip to the oven.
Second to last, that's an achievement among this lot.
So Einar takes one point, Steinar two, Ida three, Amir four,
and Solveig gets another fiver. Congratulations.
And in total after two tasks we can see that it looks like this.
Look at that! Full score in both tasks. That keeps you in the top.
I'm going to take Magnus Devold home. -We can hope so. Tørnquist, bottom.
A sentence just to say that?
"Tørnquist, bottom". -Yes, I'm done talking now.
We'll take a little break.
Now I would like to see how well these five participants
know each other. And even themselves.
I know we have a way of finding out.
Yes.
Oi, small crowns.
Choose one of them.
This one. -I'm picking this one.
You're pointing to that? Alright. -Intuitively, I'll take that.
That one.
Please read the letter.
Oof. Yes.
I'm getting nervous now. What kind of scheme is this?
"Who are you from Kongen Befaler?"
"You may ask Olli one question at a time.
"But each question has to be in a given category that you pick from the bowl."
"Whoever guesses correctly in the fewest questions wins."
"You can guess who you are at any time. But you only have one guess."
Ok. Fun! Yes.
I could be myself, actually.
There are only five participants. We only have five hats.
Yes, it can be explained so briefly and simply.
And we'll start with? -I think we'll start with absolutely everyone.
Everyone at once? -The whole gang.
All five. -Every single one, then?
Except for Amir.
Then I'll get started. -You're welcome to.
Ok, it says "mythical animal".
Am I the one in the gang that is most unicorn-like?
In my opinion, no. -Okay.
Does the mythical animal unicorn
make a sound when it gallops that sounds a bit like my surname?
You are thinking of Kloppen? -Yes.
No.
Then I can exclude one.
"The uses of the potato".
Would you categorise me as a small or a large potato?
I would categorise you as a small potato.
Great. Then it's not Einar or Steinar.
What does it say?
"Kamasutra".
Now I'm blushing.
I'm regretting this.
This is dumb. "The history of the railway".
Now I'm just pretending to think. I'm not thinking at all.
Ida, come on!
If I'm going on a train journey with my whole family,
do I have my own children with me?
Well, yes.
Yes? Am I Solveig?
Is that your guess? -Yes.
Does he have children?
He has children. -Oh! No!
I'm not that versed
in Kamasutra.
Is it like this...
...that if you're going to...
...if I'm doing...
...penetration...
If I'm a man,
who has his head that way, and will penetrate...
Someone behind you? -Yes.
Then it is better that we change places.
What is the question? -Is it best
if there will be penetration and we're standing in the same direction,
that I'm in front? -No.
So then I'm behind, and then I'm a man.
I am a man!
"Fruit". Am I... as sweet as a grape?
No. -So not myself.
"The Twist bag" [variety bag of wrapped chocolates] Oh, yes that was something else.
I'm asking you...
...if... the first letter...
...in my first name... is...
...in...
...the Twist bag?
No.
I am Amir. -What?
Yes! I managed it in two!
Yes.
Does the last name of who I am sound like
something you can saw in half with something from the toolbox?
Yes. [kvist = twig/branch] -Is it Einar Tørnquist?
I'm keeping it on. Thank you!
"The color yellow".
Am I the one closest to
the yellow sun?
Yes.
I'm Einar Tørnquist.
Yes, that looks like Einar. -Yes, it's Einar. Congratulations.
There is a lot to tackle here. But we will probably have to start with you, Solveig.
I wonder, were you embarrassed?
I think I could sense behind the rock-hard TV facade
that you might be a little embarrassed.
Yes... -You're embarrassed again now?
Yes, you're still embarrassed.
Also because I got such vivid images...
Yes, there was so much you couldn't say.
Yes, so now I feel that I know them very well.
And you have updated yourself on Kamasutra too, maybe?
Now you're good. -It was easier with the Twist bag?
I have never seen a person take a longer route to the finish line.
I don't think I have. Just how you weighed your words
until "penetration is the best word I can say"?
But there was a 3 to 7 seconds break between each word.
You came out right in the end. You landed safely. It wasn't too perverted.
And you actually only had two attempts.
Although it seemed like ten attempts.
But two attempts are not bad. It was a hell of an interesting round.
You also found the answer quickly, Einar. You probably have some solutions.
Absolutely, I have at least some answers. Ida missed Amir.
Solveig got it right after two questions. Einar used four.
And Steinar, you used seven questions,
and are currently in third place.
But we have one more. And there's usually a reason why we save
one for last. -Yes, that's right.
Here we can see if Amir has solved it ingeniously or terribly.
"Kamasutra".
Do I like 69? -I don't know.
Do I like blueberries? -Yes.
Do I like...
...the banana flavored Twist the best? -I don't know.
Do I like meatballs with potatoes and brown sauce?
Am I... a donkey?
The donkey that shoots gold out of its ass?
Am I as strong [spicy] as a tikka masala?
No.
Am I Einar Tørnquist?
Shit, that was close.
If you were to summarise your performance, Amir,
what would you say went well here?
I think the conversation went well.
It flowed nicely without awkward pauses?
There was no inflation in very precise answers.
If Olli had answered yes to the Kamasutra question,
"Do I like 69?", who would you have thought it was?
Then I would have said Amir.
Amir asked seven questions
and both Ida and Amir ended up with the wrong answer.
So Amir gets one point, Ida two, Steinar three,
Einar four and Solveig another five.
Another fiver!
Now. -It's magic.
We're taking a small break and we're back shortly.
Olli, now I would very much like to have
some noise and racket and sound. I'm very fond of that.
Isn't it time for a slightly loud sound in an otherwise quiet and low-key programme?
Yes, you want to focus on the TV-friendly format...
Yes! -...sound?
Yes. -Yes.
That's a cute little thing.
Cute.
"This is Valdemar. He loves loud noises."
"Make a sound that Valdemar can enjoy."
"Loudest noise wins."
"You have ten minutes. Time starts now."
Yes, I can do that.
The one who makes the loudest sound wins.
Yes, and since Valdemar is a teddy bear, and can't speak, we have placed a decibel meter
inside Valdemar. We might as well start and see how Ida has done it.
A good choice.
Make a loud noise. That must be screaming.
Isn't that awfully loud?
Yes, that was a loud noise. - Wasn't that the whole point?
Quite simply done.
But that was the whole point. We don't know how loud it was yet.
What kind of scream was that? Do you use it a lot?
I think it's if I'm really, really scared. Maybe.
Have you had to resort to this scream before?
No. I have it lying around if needed.
So you have tested it in case you need it?
No, but I tested it in a way there.
I was wondering how many neighbours came rushing over.
With a scream like that, you come and check.
It felt like something I had never done before, when I screamed.
Quite primal, but that's fine. -Yes, good! Loud and nice.
Absolutely. Shall we see more? Then we take a look at Solveig, Einar and Amir.
An explosion makes a loud noise. Scream, a good quarrel.
I'm trying to collect things that are noisy, basically.
That's a pretty loud sound, I think.
This is quite noisy. Hip-hop music can be very loud.
That's good.
I'm going to throw noisy things from the second floor,
to hit this. Now you'll get a loud noise.
Like that.
Ready, set...
The look you had at the end after you dumped the things,
is just right. This was weak. It did not turn out quite as you had hoped?
No. -You did not put on a little roar either
to try to save yourself? -Nope.
Amir, for you, as a gentle southerner,
what you were doing might have appeared to be very loud.
But to me it was basically just a sound. A normal sound.
Do you think I'm yelling at you now? -Yes, everyone here is very loud.
Yes. -But we're not done.
No, not at all. -We have one left.
Shall we check how Steinar did? -I think we should.
There it should stand safely.
The plan is now to make a little fire in here, throw in a spray can,
causing a small explosion. That's my goal. I can put this here.
Ok.
Then it goes in.
Was that the explosion? No.
What's the time now? -One minute left.
It would have been cool if it exploded at the last second. That's the dream.
There it came! That was good.
That's exactly how I envisioned it.
Yes, Steinar. You talk so professionally about how
you're going to do this. Like an old explosives worker.
But when it explodes, you get startled like a little boy.
I think explosives workers
also get startled occasionally.
You get surprised when you don't know when it will go off.
We also know that the teddy bear was close to the explosion.
You know that, Olli. -I have the points.
We start at the bottom. And one might think it was Amir
But no, it was you, Solveig. It was the lowest.
But right in front, or behind, Amir with two points.
Then it's Einar, three points. Ida beat you with the scream, four points.
And at the top, of course, Steinar with five points.
Five points.
Then we see that in total so far today Solveig leads with 16 points.
Just two points down to Steinar.
But it's incredibly even at the bottom.
Almost everyone can still win, but not everyone, just two.
We will start the last task.
It happens as always here in the studio. Get on stage.
Then we have come to the last task.
We're going to play a little fun game,
which I have chosen to call "Bonbons
and times tables". Fun.
It means I set a multiplication sum
from the small multiplication table [times tables for numbers up to 10]
then I say the name of one of the participants.
The person I name must then answer the sum,
eat a piece of chocolate, set a new times table sum
and then name one of the other participants.
Then that person must solve the sum,
eat a piece of chocolate, and on it goes. This must take place at a certain pace.
So if you hesitate a little too long, you're out, and if you set a sum
which is not from the small multiplication table, or has already been set,
then you're also out. And if you give the wrong answer,
you'll be out, and have to sit over there.
Does it sound OK? -What if you eat two bonbons?
You're allowed to.
Is it a serious question? -No.
All right, then I think we're getting started.
Then we start with the one that is best placed so far.
Then I say three times two, Solveig?
Six.
One times one, Steinar?
One.
Five times five, Ida?
25.
Seven times eight, Amir? Oi.
...two, one... -45!
Incorrect.
You're out.
You can sit here.
Then we continue. Einar, six times three?
Eighteen.
Nine times seven, Solveig.
63.
One times two, Steinar? -Two.
Three times three, Ida? -Nine.
Eight times eight, Einar? -64.
Nine times three, Ida?
24. -No.
It's both wrong and late. Sit down.
Four times seven, Steinar?
Fuck! -Go and sit down.
Good, Solveig. It's your day. Now you have won no matter what.
Solveig, six times four?
24.
I hope it will not be me. -Einar, one times three?
Three.
Nine times nine, Solveig?
81.
One times four, Einar?
Four.
Six times five, Solveig? 30.
One times five, Einar? Five.
You're hungry.
Six times six, Solveig?
36.
Faster! I understand that your mouth is full.
One times six, Einar? -Six.
A tactic. -Eight times zero, Solveig?
Zero.
One times seven, Einar? -Seven.
Three times eight, Solveig? -24.
I'm sorry, I have to stop you there. -Do you have to?
It was a kind of hesitation. That means you won, Einar.
And that's a shame. Solveig, second place.
Good work! -We will have a small summary.
Then we will distribute the points down at your seats.
Yes, that was simply very, very impressive.
You were steadfast. How are you doing, Solveig?
I'm doing well. I just can't talk that much.
No. Interesting tactics. -Wasn't that pretty smart?
Yes, one times one, two, three...
So I didn't have to spend energy thinking about the questions.
You could use more energy to chew.
We all saw how it went, but I can still hand out the points,
for those who don't remember the last few seconds.
The first one out was you, Amir. One point. Ida, two points.
Steinar, three points. Solveig got four points.
And Einar, five points.
What does that mean? That means the results are like this today.
Solveig runs away with the victory in today's programme.
Come here and receive all these wonderful gifts that are too long.
And you got Magnus Devold back. Wonderful!
So far in the series the standings are like this. See you next week!
Original Norwegian subs by Vibeche Standal Dart (Iyuno-SDI Group)
English machine translation by Google.
Basic english editing by /u/Sulimonstrum.
Additional translation by an actual Norwegian-speaker, /u/msbtvxq.
Final edits by a pedantic Englishman, /u/TaskmasterMaster.