Isabelle, yes!
The coffee is ready.
Damn!
No!
"What kind of sick porn is this?"
A warm welcome to a new episode of Kongen Befaler,
the programme where I have wrapped the participants in the cloak of
competition, and humiliation, and victory to entertain you, my dear TV viewer.
With me today, of course, I have my faithful apostle Olli Wermskog.
Thank you very much. I hereby promise to always serve you for life
unless someone lures me away
with a sufficient number of silver coins or riksdaler [old Norwegian currency].
That's not going to happen.
But those who have allowed themselves to be lured here today
in the hope of getting their hands on
a bust in gold... of me...
are:
Live Nelvik.
Espen Eckbo.
Martha Leivestad.
Kristoffer Olsen.
And Henriette Steenstrup.
Yes.
They're a lovely five-leaf clover, if that exists.
I want to start with you, Kristoffer.
You came here and knocked over everyone else,
and ran away with the victory in the first episode. How does it feel?
Now I know the flipside of being a celebrity.
Struggling to go to the store...
Yes, that's it. Just that.
But that's because you have knee problems, presumably?
Yes, it's a mobility impairment that makes it...
You ended up last, Henriette. - Yes, I'm not talented.
No, it doesn't look like it so far.
Are you satisfied with yourself?
I was really looking forward to being part of this programme.
And then I came here and brought both shame and humiliation,
not just on myself, but on my whole family.
Why are we still talking
when we could have started with the first task?
Today I have asked the participants
to bring a bouquet that does not consist of flowers.
Quite an open task. We'll start with you, Martha.
No. - No?
Okay. You know what? I stand by...
I can tell from the movements what it is.
You're kidding? - No. Yes.
This is exciting. - Is it alive?
Oh, I see.
What did you think it was, Live?
Gorgeous! It's gorgeous. - Dildos.
You have to look at the wraps, Atle. - Are there wraps in there too?
Yes, there are hotdog wraps and hotdog buns if you look a little closer.
Hotdog buns inside. - It's complete.
It's complete, and they look like roses between the hotdogs.
Here we have someone has thought things through.
Thought things through, yes!
How do you heat them up? Steaming? Boiling?
I put them under my dress.
It's time to move on with the programme.
Espen. - I bought a bouquet of roses.
And then I cut off the rose heads. But that didn't turn out very nice,
so I made a bouquet of socks.
And the story here is that these socks, and I'm not kidding,
are all single socks that have been left in a bag in the laundry room
after they have lost their partner.
Why did you come up with this?
Is it, once again, to get rid of the junk and the problems you have?
All your ideas are based... - It is.
Live, we'll go to you.
I have been thinking a bit like you, Espen.
Based on something I have at home.
I was also very happy that it wasn't a bouquet of flowers,
Because that's so damn expensive. It's like 200, 300, 400 kroner.
So I did it on the cheap by just reusing something I had at home.
That's funny.
Those are really parking tickets.
They're real.
I have already paid for these, so I didn't have to go and buy something.
So it's not like you're giving those to the winner so they have to pay.
No. They are paid.
Do you keep hold of all the parking tickets you have paid?
No, I've thrown away most of them.
Henriette, what have you brought?
I've been thinking a little differently than the others.
I have brought this thing, here. - A pair of binoculars.
Which I thought you could use to look at the bouquet I've brought.
Is the bouquet that small? - It's quite big, actually.
Here you go. - Thank you.
Right, should I just look around?
Fantastic.
Look at that bouquet! The ladies' choir!
That...
A bouquet of MILFs. That's unbeatable, quite frankly.
A colourful and lovely bouquet. - It's great. Top contribution.
I was going to say that this can be difficult to follow,
but fortunately we have someone who will follow.
Kristoffer.
You know, Atle. Sometimes you get an artistic vision.
And then you have an unshakable faith in your own abilities
to implement the idea in a good and creative way.
I present you this.
What kind of junk is that? - Is it symbolic?
It requires a bit of an explanation, doesn't it?
When I learned about this prize task,
I had just found out that I wouldn't get a passport. [there's been a passport shortage in Norway this year]
I couldn't get through the passport queue in time, so I wasn't able to go to Thailand as planned.
Then I got angry and wanted to make a Thai bouquet.
I was going to Phuket, which rhymes with 'bouquet'.
So this is a 'Phuquet'. - It's a pun bouquet?
It's a pun bouquet called 'Phuquet'.
I won the previous programme, so that's okay.
I thought I would at least be able to compete with that.
Are you ready, Atle? - Don't point at mine like that!
I would say that I am, yes.
There are some that are easy here, and some that are very difficult.
Or rather, I think one is easy and four are very difficult.
We'll take the winner first.
That is of course Henriette Steenstrup.
Live, you'll get second place and four points for that bouquet.
Mostly because you have kept all those tickets. You've worked on it.
Now I almost feel sorry for you, Martha.
And it actually helps sometimes to look so pleading.
But not this time. You get one point.
He gets two points for one... - It's socks! Socks!
Yes, it sucks. - Hotdogs! Socks!
You're all bad, Martha. Don't worry about that. - Second place?
Smell it. - I...
Last place, Atle? - Espen gets second to last place.
Which means that your Thai bouquet gets three points.
That's unbelievable.
The first five points of the day go to you, Henriette. - Thank you so much!
I think this started well, for some strange reason, even with these poor results.
That's not bad. What do you have for me now, Olli?
I want to give you "like a boat on land".
Like a boat on land? Then I hope that's the task
where the participants have to handle a boat on land.
That that's what you mean and not the old love song by Hellbillies [band].
You can be sure of that.
Yes. - Hey.
Are there tasks that can be skipped?
"Go on a kayak trip in this kayak."
"The longest trip wins. The trip starts when the hourglass runs out"
"and lasts for 45 seconds."
"You cannot leave the kayak during the trip."
"Your time starts now."
Ok.
So I can... Okay, fine.
The garage!
So you have some time to prepare yourselves
before going as far as you can in 45 seconds without leaving the kayak.
How long did they have to prepare?
The hourglass takes exactly 12 minutes to run out.
Then they didn't have to be in the kayak until the hour glass had run out.
That's correct. That is worth noting. - I have noted that.
And then we can take a look at the clips.
Let's begin with Live, Kristoffer, Espen and Martha's preparations
and adventurous kayak trips.
I don't know what I'm doing.
The plan is to stomp down and pull.
And then go.
No, my god!
Are you kidding?
I thought...
I thought it would work.
This is really good.
I won't stick with that starting area. That's not necessary.
I think I'll get more out of using the slope.
Right?
Like that.
I have never sat in a kayak before. Heart rate: 116. I'm a little nervous.
It looks like the time will run out any second now.
Yes, now it ran out. Let's go. - It did? 45 seconds!
No!
I'm capsizing.
Two... one... there.
I'm making my own river.
And there.
There the task is underway.
The time, Olli? - Ten seconds left.
Come on!
Time is up.
Are you sure?
Absolutely sure. - That was really stupid.
Ok.
You have 45 seconds in four... three... two... one... there.
Yes, come on!
Okay, now it's the rope.
Three... two... one... - Right.
There.
There's a limit to how far I could have gone in this small garden.
Yes, if you're staying in the garden. I'll write this down.
Here. Perfect.
Then the trip begins... there.
Wait, is that allowed?
Five seconds left.
There!
I must say, the rest of you are looking at Live as if she's a genius
who has understood that it's a good idea to have water under the boat.
And she is, compared to the rest of you. - But you think the hourglass will only last for ten seconds.
You may not fully think the rules through. That's often how it is.
But Espen, you were setting limits for yourself,
because you had one of the better ideas. But outside the fence was off limits.
I very rarely think outside the box.
I think one should stay inside the box. - You use the box for all it's worth.
All the way to the edges. - I maximize what's inside the box.
Before we decide anything, we still have Henriette.
Espen tends to believe that it's always the winner who is saved for last.
So if that's correct... - Shall we take a look then?
See how it goes with Henriette? - Yes.
"The trip starts when the hourglass runs out. Your time starts now."
I haven't left it. [switches to Swedish:] I haven't left the kayak.
Never, never, never shall we leave each other.
How much time do I have? - How much time you have?
Well...
The task begins when the hourglass runs out.
I still didn't get it. I didn't understand the task.
Has the time run out yet?
You have plenty of time left to prepare.
So when that has run out, the task will start.
Start?
What did you say now? That?
Can you please go get that letter for me?
I can do that.
Then I should find a slope and some smooth mats.
The task starts now.
I came further last time. - Now the task is over.
At least you got to practice your own solution.
Yes.
You practiced a lot on your own solution.
Which worked so-so. - Yes.
Then once you could finally start, you used the solution you had already tried.
Yes, because then I didn't have time to get down to a river.
No, that's true. - Then the 12 minutes had passed.
You were straight up lying there with ["sleeping with"] the kayak.
No. If that's the case, then the kayak got the most out of that.
Ready for some lengths? - I'm at least ready for some results.
In last place, with a kayak trip of 93 centimetres...
Yes, it was you, Henriette. - No, was it?
Almost a metre! - Martha, you managed 140 centimetres.
Two points. - That's really good.
I am impressed! - Let's stay calm.
It's well done not to come in last place with that one. That's a new record.
Thank you.
Now we're moving on to the group where I started measuring in metres.
Kristoffer, four metres. Espen, 22 metres.
And Live, 82 metres.
Live Nelvik!
Then we can see the total so far after two tasks.
Yes, it's Live at the top, Kristoffer in second, and Martha at the bottom.
We are going to take a short break and will be right back.
I really want to see a new task now, Olli.
Do you mean that you "fruitly" [sounds like "really"] want to see a new task?
That's not allowed. - Oi!
That's beneath even your dignity, Olli.
Put on the next task, please.
Alright, then I'll just "fruit on" a new task.
Hi. - Good morning.
Yum!
Me?
Yes, you.
"Put the same fruit that is inside the box, on top of the box."
"You cannot look inside the box."
So I can open it and look at it.
"You cannot look inside the box."
"The first one with the same fruit on top of and inside the box wins."
"For each wrong fruit you put on top of the box, you have to shout:"
"I 'nectarine' to give up." [nektar = refuse]
"The first one with the same fruit on top of and inside the box wins."
OK. There.
I nectarine ["refuse-ine"] to give up. No, that was only if you got the wrong one.
Goodbye, then. - The things you read sure stick with you.
Yes. - Huh?
As Henriette did not understand here,
they must put the same type of fruit that is inside the box, on top of the box.
And they have to find the right fruit without looking inside the box.
I don't understand... - Then I'll open the box.
I don't understand how you've made it this far. - Neither do I.
Neither do I. - You must have had good help.
I have had a lot of help.
And not only that, you are already disqualified.
Of course you're disqualified. - I get zero points? - You're very much disqualified.
This is the person who wrote Pørni. [successful TV series] - It doesn't seem like it.
I think I'm confusing you with someone else.
You had two identical fruits on top of the box, none inside.
Then I cross my fingers that the rest of you have understood the task.
Whether or not you'll solve it is becoming secondary.
We'll take a look, then. Here's the rest. - "Here's the rest."
I think it's smarter to think than to stress.
Is that correct?
- No.
I would like to avoid constantly having to shout "I nectarine to give up" into that box.
I nectarine to give up!
[altogether now...] I nectarine to give up!
I nectarine... to give up!
"Put the same fruit that is inside the box, on top of the box."
The time is running, so I'll do this. Lemon and lemon.
I consider myself finished and I think I solved it quite well.
I nectarine...
I nectarine to give up!
Watermelon.
Mango. Grapefriut.
I nectarine to give up!
Pomegranate. Plum. Something.
I nectarine to give up!
- I've tried grapefruit.
Not kiwi, not mango.
I nectarine to give up!
Is it correct now? - No.
I nectarine to give up!
Is kiwi correct, then? - No.
I nectarine to give up!
Is there a good hint here?
"...fruit that is inside the box, on top of the box."
"Put the same fruit. You cannot look inside the box". But it's in there.
That's what it says.
Nectarine!
Is that correct? - Yes.
That one? Nectarine! - Yes.
Is this correct? - Yes.
Great. Stop the time. - What is it? - It's a nectarine.
Ah bullocks.
What you don't know is that I'm here to make you look like geniuses.
But I don't think they have utilised that potential to the fullest.
I think it was a small gesture to you
that no one realised it was a nectarine,
even when they were babbling on about nectarines 30 times into a box.
And they weren't even willing to try it out, just to, at least, get it out of the way.
Yes, there were some hints. 'Nectarine' was a hint.
And then there were also two of all the fruits on the table
except the nectarine, because one of them was inside the box.
There were so many ways to get to a simple and "non-embarrassing" solution.
But we can look at some times.
Henriette did everything wrong in 30 seconds. Zero points.
Live, you went through all the fruits, and spent 6 minutes and 34 seconds.
Martha: 3 minutes and 30 seconds. Kristoffer, 2:55. Espen, 2:40.
It was approved, and you got five points.
That's nice.
Atle, do you have a favourite letter? - A.
Right. Can you come up with another favourite letter?
B. - Good.
Now I have a task where all the constituents start
with this second favourite letter of yours: B.
B, yes. - That is: balls and bin.
I see, but you have nothing on A? Arrows and annals, for example?
No, not this year.
Then I'll make do with balls and bin.
Good. Here comes a good task with balls and bin.
Should I come over to you? - Yes, please.
Shouldn't I get a task? Is it an open task?
I can't stand that.
You have to read the letter.
But where is the letter? I can't see the letter.
Crazy.
You are so silly. - Thanks.
"Remove all the balls from the bin."
"Your time starts when you enter the room. The fastest wins."
A relatively straightforward task: remove all the balls from the bin.
But it's important to remember that
the time doesn't start until you enter the room,
which makes it possible to prepare to the best of your abilities and desire.
It feels good to give them unlimited preparation time,
because that will naturally lead to them being able to excel
when they finally start the task.
That thought is good.
But the comprehension of this among our participants remains to be seen.
Do not say that.
Ok.
There are so fucking many.
I should have had a bucket or something.
Damn, I'm so stupid.
Why not?
Oh my god.
Fuck, I could have just destroyed the bin.
Now we're talking.
Finished!
None left.
I've stopped the time. - Thank you.
Yes.
This is a moment for posterity.
This is recurring from task to task.
It's all about getting started on the task as soon as possible,
and assuming that you have roughly understood what the task is all about.
You both just waltzed in all guns blazing. - "Ready, set, go" for me...
All my brain cells disappear. It's like a snow shovel.
Live, you spent a very long time,
both on smashing the pane and getting everything out.
You spent 11 minutes in total.
On whether that's a long time or not,
I can say that Henriette spent 5:57. - Yes.
It's almost twice as good.
That must have felt good, Henriette. - Yes, very.
That's reparation. Let's see if anyone else has done better.
We can take a look at Espen.
Ready, set, go! Right, this will be fun.
Wait a minute. I need to think a little alternatively.
There. They're all out of the bin. - I have stopped the time.
I started by thinking inside the box, but you need to think outside the box.
It's typical if I'm the only one who thought like this.
We'll take a short break. We'll be right back.
No! No! Stop!
You lifted it up, and then it all poured out.
But when you put it back down, there were lots of balls back in the bin.
But he is a genius. - Then you didn't pay attention.
There was no bin left.
What happened in there was that you started
throwing the balls out, then you jumped out,
then you lifted it up and asked if the bin was empty.
I said yes, and stopped the time. Then he put the bin back down.
The bin was empty when it was supposed to be.
But... - Very good, Espen. Very good.
It was obviously a good time. - Yes, he spent 51 seconds.
That is good. - That's impressive.
But I'm getting very worried about the fact that there are still more clips to come.
I don't think you should be that worried. - It can go both ways.
We can take a look right away.
We won't write them off until we've seen them.
No, definitely not. Here are Martha and Kristoffer.
The time starts when I enter the room. But I can still look into the room.
There's a fairly clear definition of how rooms are separated. Ah I see.
That's a pretty solid bin.
First and foremost, I'm glad I didn't end up swimming around in the bin
like Martha Leivestad is guaranteed to do.
Ok.
My plan now is to tape these two together.
Then it'll be long enough, so that I don't have to enter the room.
Are you enjoying yourself? - Yes.
Oh my god!
If I pull this close enough towards me,
maybe I can remove all the balls without entering the room at all.
Are there any doors here? Are these doors?
Now I'm wasting time!
In the building where I live, we all meet twice a year
to rake the leaves outside.
I really enjoy that.
May I have a glass of water?
Can I have more? Can you bring a cloth too?
I'm losing so much bodily fluid.
There. Then we're ready for a new session.
What kind of sick porn is this?
Torture.
Do you think you'll win? - No, I don't think I will, Olli.
Now there is one ball left. I'm going to do as the task says.
I will enter the room and remove all the balls from the bin.
One, two... three. - I have started the time.
Finished.
I am very satisfied.
There is no better way to solve this.
Alright. That's enough.
It's enough now.
He is used to standing ovations on the Book of Mormon,
so for it to mean anything for him, we have to stand up...
I don't have to give him any more feedback,
because it was obviously solved with flying colours.
It cannot be done much better.
Perhaps it's the best solved task in the history of Kongen Befaler. Who knows.
There isn't much more to say about these two
other than the fact that they are at opposite ends of the spectrum.
Yes, we can say that. Do you want the exact times?
Martha, you are at the very bottom with 13 minutes.
That's two minutes more than Live.
And then it's one second and 38 hundredths from Kristoffer.
That's five points.
Very good. - Yes.
It was a superior first place. - That gives us these results.
If we look at the total, it looks like this.
Kristoffer and Espen are completely even at the top. That is fantastic.
This is actually very interesting. Live is just two points behind.
This is exciting before the very last task,
which we know will happen here in the studio, on stage.
Get up.
Now it's time for the last task. We will play three-in-a-row.
But it's not the normal three-in-a-row, it's all about not getting three-in a-row.
Then you get zero points and lose the whole thing.
Here are some different pieces.
Each of the pieces has a letter
which represents the first letter of your name.
Here we have K. Who is that? - That's me.
That's you, Kristoffer. Here is L for Live and so on.
You must put them down, one-by-one.
You can choose your own piece, or one of the others' pieces.
The game is over when the first person gets three in a row.
Then that person gets zero points. How do we score the rest?
Then it's the person who has the most of their own pieces
on the board who gets the most points.
Then we go down to the one with the second most,
and all the way down to the one who lost,
with zero points, who got three-in-a-row.
Complicated? Yes. Questions? No thanks.
We begin! Live, you get to start.
I put an L on E5.
You put an L on E5. Espen.
Then I put an E on E1. - Yes.
Martha.
I put M on A1. - Kristoffer.
Then it will be a K.
I put it on B5.
B5. Henriette.
I put an H on E4.
Interesting. Live.
I've been thinking a bit. I'll take an L on A5.
Because it's still vacant. - Yes. L on A5. Espen.
I dare not do anything other than put an E on B4.
Alright. Martha.
I take L... - You take Live's.
On D5. Then we create some drama.
Yes, we create some drama.
Yes.
This is because D5 is a wild card.
You can put one of the others wherever you want.
You can add one more.
Then I put M. - Then you put M, yes.
No? But why not?
I think they want you to put an L on C5, maybe.
Yes, but then... Ok, listen. - Then the game is over!
Then the game is over, and I haven't won.
Then the game is over, and Espen wins.
This is my game now.
M on D4.
Then it is M on D4.
Kristoffer. - Yes, I'll take another K.
And I put it on C5. - K on C5.
Henriette. - I'm gambling on those disco lights now.
In a place that is unpopular.
And put an H on 3C. - H on 3C.
Oh!
H on 3C. - Unpopular place.
Then I get another one. - You know the rules. Very good.
Okay, so I'll put an H on D1.
That's OK. - I took a chance here now.
Live, you.
I see no reason not to spread myself around this board.
Just to make sure there are lots of Ls here.
Then I'll take an E, Espen...
That's fine by me. - Because you look so kind,
but you're so lousy on the inside.
So, since I have quite a few Ls, I'll put an E on 2E.
You put an E on 2E. - That is right.
Okay. Then we put an E on 2E.
If I put an E somewhere else, we'll have the same amount.
So I can just add an E...
I put an E on A2. - E on A2.
Could I have won now? No.
You could have blocked that with another letter. But you didn't do that.
What? - No no.
Martha. - I take M on B3.
M on B3. Kristoffer.
Espen, what is most important to me?
Winning the episode, or you not winning this task?
I don't remember what points the others have.
Therefore, I go with ending this game
by going with E3.
Alright. There.
And with that, the game is over.
Espen, you got zero points, but we have to count.
I agree with that. We'll sum it up down in our seats.
I have counted
and found out who won and who lost.
Would you like to hear, Atle? - I would like to hear.
It's quite simple. Kristoffer helped us finish the game.
Espen, you got zero points.
I wanted to yell at Kristoffer for his pitiful behaviour.
But I swallowed it somewhat reluctantly.
I think it's the most pathetic move in Kongen Befaler ever.
You should be ashamed.
Then I can console you, Espen, with the fact that Kristoffer only gets two points.
The rest of you share first place and get five points each. Congratulations.
And that means...
that we have a new winner today. This is the summary of the task.
And today's winner is Live Nelvik!
She runs away with the victory.
Yes!
You receive this large, wonderful, lovely bouquet of bouquets.
What an adventure.
In a short week we will be back with new tasks.
Maybe some ups, probably some downs, for the participants. See you!
[they're singing Living Life, where 'life' sounds the same as 'Live']
Original Norwegian subs: Hanna Ness Huseklepp (Iyuno-SDI Group)
English translation: u/msbtvxq
Proofreading: u/taskmastermaster