Isabelle, yes!
The coffee is ready!
No!
"Intestine, owl, creature, wolf"
Welcome to Kongen Befaler,
dear square-eyed couch potato sitting in front of the idiot box.
I won't disappoint you today either.
Because there will be a wonderful mix of failure and success
in the idiot box today, as well, when the participants compete for
a bust in gold... of me.
And by my side, as always, my best friend and companion,
Wow. - A bust in gold of me.
And on the other side, Olli Wermskog.
Yes, thank you very much.
Fantastic to be here. We're a proper super duo.
Yes, but you probably mean super trio. Or actually, it's more like
a super 'octo', if you count Live Nelvik!
And Espen Eckbo!
And Martha Leivestad!
And Kristoffer Olsen!
And Henriette Steensrup!
The first task is, as always, a prize task, where you get points
based on my criteria and my taste.
And what are they bringing today?
Today, the participants had to bring something painful. [can also mean 'tastes bad']
Who do you want to start with? - I want to start with Espen.
Oi.
Well, I have chosen to go for something that hurts
on an emotional level.
But it started out as a very nice story.
I'm a father to some young boys,
and I decided to do what a good father should do: make a bird box.
So they would experience that we are doing something nice for the animals
and hang it on the tree and everything.
I spent a lot of time making it.
And it turned out like this.
Isn't that nice? - Yes, this isn't the painful part.
What was painful was making it. First of all, it cost a fortune for tools
and equipment and materials.
I had to start from scratch with making a carpentry shed.
I think this has cost me at least 10,000 kroner (£859).
What was also painful was that the children lost interest along the way.
So while I was trying to construct and draw and figure it out,
they were out doing other things.
I was on all fours in the shed trying to get this ready for the season,
for when birds were going to nest, and I managed to do that.
So that was a slight boost, that there were birds that moved in.
A little titmouse family. Look at that.
Pure and idyllic.
But then we went on holiday.
Came back, looking forward to seeing how our new bird neighbours were getting on.
And what the children saw, when I sent them up the tree,
was five dead baby birds in the bird box.
My biggest fear is that I made the hole too small,
or that something happened to the wood so they couldn't get out.
Maybe the wood dried and made the hole smaller?
I don't know. I'm afraid it was our fault, but it could also just be...
I don't know. But I now associate this bird box with financial ruin,
traumatised children, and death.
That's painful.
This was uncomfortable. Martha?
I thought it would be stupid to come up with something that has been painful.
Why not create something painful here and now?
That's what I thought.
So that's why you're wearing that dress?
That was...
I know he's joking. - It was quite bold.
It made me want to go change immediately. - Was it painful?
Let's get started. This will be great fun, and painful.
Here I have Fun with the times table: Learn with fun.
For ages 6 to 10 years.
And I don't know the times table. I just stopped learning it.
But I think it would be so much fun...
...if you quizzed me a bit in the seven times table.
The seven times table?
Yes, or you can take the six times table.
So you want the one with "Betty Badger and the worms"?
Yes, seven would be a bit too hard for me.
But this you've practiced?
Are you ready? - Yes.
Now...
Seven times six?
The six times table is very difficult.
6, 12...
...24.
6, 12, 24. Yes.
Seven times six?
It must be...
Ten times six is ​​sixty.
And then you have to go down.
Yes, that's probably the easiest way.
Okay, and then…
Oh, I'm melting. - If you had to answer?
With a gun to my head, just guessing... - Three, two, one.
Twenty-eight.
No, you know what? - 28? That's a bit too low.
Fifty-four. - That was a bit too high.
So you're basically getting the feeling you had at school.
Yes, it's horrible! Don't you think I cried about this? It's painful!
It was painful. - Thank you. Kristoffer?
Yes, that something is painful to me,
doesn't necessarily mean that it's painful to you. It might be good to you, Atle.
So I want to put aside all fun and jokes,
and show you gratitude for allowing me to participate in this programme.
I have chosen to thank you in a way that's painful to me,
both physically and mentally,
but which I hope you will appreciate.
I couldn't find it there.
So I think I'll have to have to take this up.
Oh my lord.
It looks very new.
Yes, it's three hours old.
It is? - The chain is also for you.
What is it attached to at the bottom?
Some things the audience has to imagine for themselves.
This is a good gamble. A big round of applause.
That was fantastic. Henriette? - It will be tough to come after this.
You should have a fat tattoo all over your spine.
There is no doubt that this is painful.
But I think that it might split the public, at least in half.
Because I have brought one of the most painful things I know.
Which has resulted in me not getting invited to parties anymore
because I have been honest and said that this is painful.
There are many who love it.
And that is...
warm mackerel in tomato. [it's commonly eaten cold on bread]
What?
Or, as it's really called, bacalao. [popular Portuguese dish, served hot]
Do you want a taste? - I really like bacalao. I love it.
Then just move on to Live, and we'll leave it at that.
It's an honest matter.
Live, please.
I just can't get over the fact that we were eating salmon together earlier.
And meanwhile you had Atle dangling over your penis?
You've been sitting with it the whole time? - That's tough.
It's been very hard not to talk about it.
Okay, now it's me. Be quiet.
Bring something painful. I have brought something that is…
...very painful.
Especially for one person.
You work very hard, Henriette, but you have easily set yourself up for criticism.
Have you brought something that is painful to Henriette?
How sympathetic and nice of you.
I brought... Let's see.
Your daughter.
Alright?
It's not very painful yet. - No, but Ebba...
Be quiet, Atle. Ebba has something she really wants to say.
Yes...
Well, you work a lot. So...
I thought I'd drop by just to say hi.
You recognise me, don't you?
Yes!
I wish there was an award for being my mum, because then you'd be
a bit more interested in it, and not just being on TV.
I mean it.
You don't even remember my birthday! - Yes, I remember it.
When is my birthday, then? - 3rd September.
Mum, that's your birthday.
My god, I know that Ebba's birthday is 11th November.
I almost wish Live was my mother.
She understands me, at least.
This is rough.
This is painful.
This was tough to hear. - Slightly rougher season this year.
Have you made up your mind?
The bacalao can go at the bottom.
We didn't feel like you were hurting enough yet.
The times table will also end up far down.
You two get one and two points.
Espen, you get three.
Five lives have been lost here, but...
The hardest part is figuring out who will win.
How many points should Ebba get for being brave, is what I'm thinking.
I didn't think I would say this. I just have to apologise, Kristoffer.
I have ruined my body for you! - I know.
I'm ashamed. - I have ruined my body for you!
I've become too old and soft, so I have to go for Ebba.
Damn, I regret it.
Woo! What a start!
Olli...
Many of the tasks the participants are given are timed.
'Fastest possible time', 'Your time starts now'...
You know how it is.
But now I want to calm down a bit.
Give the participants plenty of time so they have the opportunity to do well.
How much time are we talking? - I'm talking a whole working day.
In other words, 90 minutes. - Oh that task.
Okay?
"Create a performance..."
"...which shows the amazing potential of shadow theatre."
"You have 90 minutes."
"The theatre that impresses Atle the most wins."
No, for fuck's sake.
90 minutes.
Yes, nothing beats a good old shadow theatre,
and they had 90 minutes to create a show that impresses you, Atle.
It's nice to know that they have worked and struggled for 90 minutes
just to please me.
To get the dramaturgy right, I think we must end with
the nation's 'character and humour king', Espen Eckbo.
I can't wait to see what he was able to make in 90 minutes.
The bar is set so high that it would be unfair to show him before the others.
So I'll start with the woman who got scared: Martha.
Yes, then we'll take a look at Martha.
Action.
I can't believe it's a zombie apocalypse!
Oh, my hand! My hand!
Oh my god! Oh my...
Taste this, zombie motherfucker!
Another zombie down.
Then ten thousand to go.
Wow!
Yes, I'll also say "wow".
Very good, Martha. - Wasn't it cool?
And the American accent is so on point.
Yes, in a foreign language, as well. Then it's fantastic straight away.
A very good start. Can I see more, Olli?
Absolutely. We'll look at Kristoffer.
Once upon a time there were two tomatoes: Ture and Thumper.
They were going to the other side of town.
First they came across a herd of elephants!
"Can you move?" "Sure, no problem."
"Then, just fart past, guys!"
There.
When they had farted past... Oi, oi, oi.
This is a good fairy tale.
When they had farted their way past the elephants,
they encountered the next obstacle:
Ernest the Eagle...
...and his flock of birds.
"Oh", said Ture to Thumper. "Let's hope they don't… that…"
"...that they are not hungry."
"Take out your stick, Thumper!"
He took out the stick.
"Run towards Ernest!"
Mowed him down, one after the other.
"Good job."
But then something strange happened.
Then came a pair of scissors... and flattened him.
Let's see, where is Ture now?
There he is.
Then Ture suddenly returned.
He saw Thumper, and shouted: "Come on, ketchup!"
I won't lie. There is a lot to comment on here.
Because the idea was bad.
The story? The story itself was bad.
And the execution was very bad.
You also managed to make the tomato story
very complicated and impossible to understand.
It's not difficult to make a 'two tomatoes cross a road' story.
No, but at some point I realised I didn't know how the joke ends.
Do you want to see the next one? - Yes, or...
Yes, I have to. - Yes. That's you, Live.
But I thought maybe you could introduce it yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen. Here is... Or, get ready...
...for what I seem to remember is called:
"The snake charmer"
Yes, let's watch it. - Oi.
The end. Thank you very much.
Well, what can I say?
You ended it all by... I didn't understand the story. First a snake appeared,
then two penises appeared, and suddenly it was all over?
What? Two penises? - It was so raunchy
that even Martha thought it was too much. - I doubt that.
I am quite shaken.
I don't even know what I was watching.
I've never seen anything like it.
I regret watching it.
Damn, here I was, applauding your horror film.
And then you don't understand what you've watched?
You saw that I charmed a snake, took out my penis, it fainted...
It was very good. It was very good.
You took out your penis, and then the snake fainted?
Yes, Jesus.
Were we watching the same film?
I have the same questions, I have to admit.
Good art is self-explanatory.
I think we should give Live a good round of applause.
Alright. Then it's time for the next one.
Yes. Then we'll look at Henriette.
"Baby shoes"
"for sale"
"Never used"
Now she understood it.
Oh, it was so good!
My only objection is that this is the wrong programme.
Yes, I kind of agree, actually.
You shouldn't start crying because of shadow theatre.
This was good old Hemingway's six-word short story?
Yes, the world's shortest short story. I thought I would dramatise it,
but I can see that it falls down to earth like a big meteorite.
It was nice, in a way. But it's the saddest poem in the world.
We're going to take a little break.
That means adverts.
There is only one left: Espen.
Everything now depends on you, Espen.
I am excited to see what Espen has managed in 90 minutes.
It should be good. - I'll put it on.
Ow!
I don't understand what you're hoping to get out of this.
I'm totally fucked.
Hello.
Hello, my ass.
This is so fucking... This is by far the worst task. I have no ideas.
You know what, this...
This is just a nightmare. A 90 minute nightmare.
It's not possible. What kind of task is this?
What do you hope to get?
For fuck's sake.
Damn, I don't have any music either.
You're starting now. - I'm not ready!
I don't know what I'm doing.
This was supposed to be a jungle tableau.
There. Now your time is up. - No. Is the show over?
The 90 minutes have passed.
I can't be bothered with this. I have nothing!
Oh, I'm so ashamed.
This is painful. Absolutely awful.
It was not fun at all.
Damn.
I'm laughing, but I'm also crying,
because this was...
On behalf of the entire population, you and your family, I must apologise
to people and viewers.
It was entertaining, in a way,
watching a man disintegrate over 90 minutes,
because here you were in full disintegration, Espen?
Yes, the whole clip is self-explanatory.
I think I had such a fear of ending up presenting
something on a par with what the others here have shown.
So I would rather... I was looking for... - I understand that!
I was looking for the big good idea that would kick-start everything,
and then suddenly there were only 30 seconds left.
So you set the bar way too high for yourself?
Yes, that's what I did. Everything was too bad.
I didn't go for a single idea before it was too late.
I will try to judge them now. - Yes, now you've seen everything.
Of course, you only get one point, Espen.
What's so bad is that
there are also so many others who should get just one point.
Now I have to rank crap higher on the scale.
Suddenly, someone gets three points when they created shit.
That's the biggest problem. We'll move on to you, Kristoffer.
Two points, and you should be damn happy with that.
You really mean that?
I think you should be very, very happy with that.
You were making a one-pointer. - I tried, but it was half-hearted.
Live, you get three points.
You don't deserve it at all, but you still get it.
I completely agree. - Those are the rules.
We'll move on to the winner,
and that is Martha, who gets five points.
These are the standings for the task, and in total it looks like this.
Live is at the top, with Martha in a good second place.
It's very close, so everyone can still win.
Next task!
You weigh your words in gold, sir. - Yes.
The complete opposite of what the participants have to do in this task.
Hi. - Hi. So I'm allowed to say hi?
You make me uncertain. - About whether you're allowed to say hi?
It's very important to me that this task won't be stressful.
"Say the most words in 90 seconds."
"You cannot say the same word twice."
"Your time starts now."
But just to clarify one thing:
It says that you cannot say the same word twice.
What happens if you say the same word twice?
Then the task is over. When you can choose between
all the words in the whole world, in all languages,
then, of course, if you repeat two words within those 90 seconds,
there is no pardon. You're straight out.
But they will get the words they had before the repetition.
Good, now we have clarified that. Then we can watch them all at once.
All at once!
Your time starts now.
Ibsen's currant bushes and other shrubs. [popular tongue twister]
I think you look very nice today Olli, but you-
I am trying to say as many words as I-
Everyone, boats, cello, shit...
Piss, fart, asshole, butt...
intestine, owl, creature, wolf...
chest hair, neck, throat, Adam's apple...
Icarus, yo-yo, camera...
skeptical, angry, upset, depressed, wishful, willing, sexy...
grandma, naprapath, osteoporosis, Parma ham...
pimple, ingrown hair, penis...
what-
I didn't say that many words,
but fortunately, the other participants don't have the largest vocabularies,
so they'll probably say the same word several times.
Hair, eyes, moustache, mouth, trousers, shoes, socks, sweater, eyes...
Fuck! - Joints, tits...
Time's up.
God, I'm so childish.
"Piss, fart, asshole, ass, nose, hair, mouth, eyes, eyebrows, ears, beard, chest hair, neck, throat, Adam's apple, shirt, buttons, white, grey, black, blazer, pocket, sew, thread, arms, clock, nails, skeptical, angry, upset, depressed, wishful, willing, sexy, shoelace, ground, plastic, room, crew, moustache, intense, brown, teeth, pimple, ingrown hair, penis, joints, tits."
Here we were looking for quantity, not quality.
You should be happy about that, Martha.
Live: hair, eyes, moustache, mouth, trousers, shoes, socks, sweater.
You know what?
I can't handle being made fun of now! - Then you had said all the words you knew,
so you started all over again?
You knew seven words, and then you started all over again.
I don't think you... I came home to Tore [husband] and bragged...
No, you did?
You barely showed me. I had tons of words, Atle.
But we can't show two minutes of errors.
How many words did I have? - We can find that out now.
Espen is actually at the bottom with seven.
Live, you beat him,
with eight. - No, I can't deal with this!
Henriette had almost twice as many, with 15.
Then there was one who got 49. And one who got 47.
And the one who got 49 was Martha!
Atle, Atle, Atle.
What is your favourite combination out of everything?
Well, I am very fond of tracksuits and Crocs, of course.
Pizza and snus [tobacco product] is a good combo.
Can you find another combination?
You want another one?
Cacti and balloons.
Ah! Perfect.
Oi, oi, oi! This will be fun.
You will get this one.
Soapy water? Fun.
"Decorate the table with as many cactus and balloon pairs as you can."
"The task starts with you welcoming everyone to afternoon tea"
"in your garden, in perfect British English.”
"You can only move your legs when there is at least one soap bubble in the air."
"If you move your legs without a soap bubble in the air,"
"Olli clears the table, and you have to start all over again."
Now I can run, right? Now I can move?
Yes, this is not insurmountable,
but it's important to watch your steps, and make sure
that both soap bubbles, balloons, and cacti end up in the right place.
I'm feeling a bit skeptical
that this gang can manage to keep control of so many things.
Yes, and they have 10 minutes.
It's so boring to have low expectations. I hate it.
But it's not certain that it will go badly.
No, it could be great. But we've said that so many times.
Okay, let's see.
Let's look at Live, Henriette and Kristoffer.
We are today serving a classical British afternoon tea.
Let the afternoon tea begin!
Ow!
You were lucky with that bubble there.
If not, you would have to start over.
No!
- You are lucky with the wind.
Oh god.
Time's up.
I am convinced that I have perfectly solved this.
Is there a better solution?
Always. There is always a better solution.
Ok...
There. There's no better way to do this without looking stupid.
We're going to take a little break. The advertising kind.
Henriette, you were very good at blowing soap bubbles.
And I didn't cheat! Which Kristoffer does all the time.
He looks past the regulations. - Yes, he finds loopholes.
It didn't say anything about inflated balloons, so it was masterfully solved.
Masterfully solved by Kristoffer.
But there are still two left.
Shall we take a look at one of them? Choose carefully.
Then we'll take a look at Martha Leivestad.
Welcome to some afternoon tea!
You have to start over.
Pardon me, but this is a shitty task.
Welcome to some afternoon tea, everyone.
No!
You want some afternoon tea, matey?
I might get you one.
Welcome, my friend, to some afternoon tea.
Shit! Fucking piss!
Welcome to my afternoon tea.
Hello. Welcome to my great afternoon tea party.
I hope you're gonna enjoy it.
I'll at least get one fucking cactus.
Your time's up.
That was two. - Two of what?
Cacti. - And how many balloons?
None, I guess.
Stupid bitch!
Yes...
I think it was beautiful.
Are you good at multitasking in general?
No, absolutely miserable.
I was getting dizzy. Fainting.
But you were good at English. You kept using different dialects.
It was fun to see your dedication and mood
gradually decreasing with each trip up those stairs.
I'm great at English when I'm angry!
Motherfucker!
There is one...
There is one man left. If my calculation is correct.
That is correct, and here comes Sir Espen of Eckbo.
Good afternoon, everybody.
I wish you very welcome to this...
...perfectly... perfect English...
...afternoon tea party.
All the neighbours are welcome.
Enjoy yourselves and blow the bubbles!
I think I have an idea.
There are bubbles!
No, now I forgot...
I left the bubbles up there.
Can you give me the bubbles? - No.
Terribly sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen,
but once again, finally, we are ready for our afternoon tea party.
Time's up.
No, fucking hell!
Okay, everybody…
Thank you for a wonderful afternoon!
Toodle-loo.
It was a hard and brutal gamble, Espen.
I felt it was a very good idea. I thought I would manage to
pop out one bubble at a time and just relax and carry lots of stuff.
Today is the day for big ideas that collapse.
Olli, do you have an overview of how many pairs the different people got?
Yes, neither Martha nor Espen managed to get any balloons on the table.
So they got zero pairs each.
Live managed six pairs.
Henriette eight, and Kristoffer 16.
Sixteen! - That's good.
Then we can see the standings here.
Five points to Kristoffer.
And in total... Yes.
Kristoffer is in first place. But Martha, you are second. That's good.
I really want to win one episode.
Yes, now it's time for the climax of the evening.
And the task will be solved here in front of an enthusiastic presenter,
a restrained assistant, and a wild audience. On your way!
We have moved up on stage and are going to play 'the King's Whac-a-Mole'.
The king - meaning you, Atle -
is positioned in the middle of a kind of table.
You are now going to smack the contestants on the head with your club.
Can all participants raise their heads?
You must try to hit their heads, and their goal is
to pop up as many times as possible without being hit.
Whoever pops up the most times wins.
If you get smacked on the head, you must stay down, because you're out.
In addition, I want you to make a sound, so we know who is popping up.
Preferably an animal sound.
Live, which animal sound do you want?
Small dog. - Yes, great. Henriette?
Big cat. - Lovely.
Who is behind there? Martha? - I'll be a small bird.
Or an angry little bird.
Kristoffer?
Fish? Blub, blub, blub.
Good. And Espen?
I'll take a crow.
Alright, then you can go down.
Ready, Atle? - I'm ready.
Ready, set...
That was close! - I didn't hit anyone.
There! - Henriette is out.
You are fast, Espen!
No!
Kristoffer is out.
Ow!
Espen is out.
Two left. Live and Martha.
Damn...
Now you are good.
There!
Then it's just you.
Yes!
Then we made it to the end.
We'll gather back in our seats, and sum it up there.
Yes, that was fun. - That was very fun.
You guys were good at popping up and down and all.
I have the results. It was a bit of a counting job.
But I have the person at the bottom. And that is...
That's right. It's you, Henriette.
Do I get points for guessing correctly?
Yes, we can say that your one point is because you guessed correctly.
Then it was Kristoffer in second last.
Three points to Espen. In the middle.
Then it's the two girls over here. - Oh, now I'm excited!
The one who did it best...
was Martha! Five points to Martha, four to Live.
Then we'll take a look at the scoreboard.
Who has won overall?
It is Martha who has run away with the victory today.
Congratulations!
You get a lot of painful trash, and some bacalao for supper.
You are the winner of today's programme.
A long-awaited victory there.
Whether you love or hate the participants,
you can still love or hate them in the next programme.
We'll be back next week.
Goodbye!
Original Norwegian subs: Ingvild Andersen (Iyuno-SDI Group)
English translation: u/msbtvxq
Proofreading: u/taskmastermaster