No, no, no, no!
"We'll hear what the union says"
Dear everyone at home. Dear everyone here in the studio.
Dear everyone on stage.
Welcome to Drammens Theatre, and a new episode of Kongen Befaler.
And as always, welcome to you, Olli Wermskog, my very best friend!
Gosh. Thank you very much.
And welcome to you, Bård Ylvisåker.
Thank you very much. The season is underway.
The handover of this bad boy is approaching.
You know what?
Today I have a really good feeling.
I think we're going to see a lot of great things today,
both in terms of entertainment
and in terms of performance.
I have faith in today.
Shall we greet the participants?
Leo Ajkic!
Karin Klouman.
Lars Berrum.
Hani Hussein.
And Vidar Magnussen.
It's time for the first task of the day.
What do you want? Which category?
Today's category is to bring something that makes me exclaim:
"Oi, oi, oi, you big alpaca!" [Norwegian exclamation for something extraordinary]
Is that something you usually say?
No, that's why it's extra difficult.
You either have to ask for it directly, or do it in a cool or charming way.
The task is as big as it is small.
Maybe we can start with Vidar?
Yes, we can.
I contacted some people about making a box
which is speech-controlled.
And the only way to open the box is by saying…
"Oi, oi, oi, you big alpaca!"
It's not turned on yet.
It has a small computer in it called micro:bit.
Have you heard of it? - Yes.
It is connected to a microphone.
If you say the word, it opens up, and you get a present.
I have programmed this to respond to your Bergen dialect.
And respond to your tone, which may be a little high.
No, it's not.
But to test this completely,
try a darker voice than your own and see if it opens up.
And then talk normally like Bård Ylvisåker. - The way I talk.
With a normal voice.
Oi, oi, oi, you big alpaca.
Wow! - Wow.
Oi oi oi.
I would be sweating if I was one of the other four.
Absolutely magical. - Absolutely magical!
Wow! - Wow!
Thank you for the experience.
Karin?
I have brought you a present, Bård.
I think you are so... nice.
And clever.
My present is this…
...apple.
I will now give this to you.
He hasn't exclaimed it yet. - Here.
Is there something you want to say?
I'm not quite in alpaca mode yet.
I know... Yes.
But it's great to get an apple.
Then I have a plan B. Here it is.
Bård? - Hi.
What was I supposed to make you say?
"Oi, oi, oi..." No.
"Oi, oi, oi, you big alpaca."
Wasn't it?
That was solid!
Thank you.
Solid. Well delivered. Leo?
I am inspired by being in this bubble and getting to know everyone.
I have noticed, Karin, that you do a lot to impress men.
Wow!
Didn't you see the book she brought a couple of episodes ago?
About lots of men she thought were her boyfriends.
So I tried to…
I've spent some time getting her to like me,
by being nice, smiling... - And I do.
You do, yes? So then I planted an idea in your head.
Or I said it outright. I wasn't being cryptic.
Just check this out.
I have to ask you something. Can you go to Bård and film him
when you say that he must say what today's task is,
so that he says "Oi, oi, oi, you big alpaca"?
Thank you so much. Okay, bye.
I'm...
Who gets the most punishment in the Olsen Gang? [Danish comedy film series about a fictional criminal gang]
Egon Olsen, the mastermind behind it all.
Are you Egon?
I am the man behind the idea. - Karin?
No, it's my idea!
You saw the proof. - He said what you should do.
No no no, he came to me after I recorded you.
Do you promise? - I swear.
Cross my heart and hope to die. - Leo, are you trying to...
Now you have to be honest. - I swear on her
that I did what I said. - Olli!
I swear I did it before her.
Are you trying to score pimp points here?
I was actually inspired by pimping.
Ok, then we'll follow the pimp laws later when we award the points. Right.
Hani? - Yes, then it's my turn.
I have spoken a bit about it already, that I have worked at the UN.
I lived in New York City and worked for the Somali delegation.
This was my access card.
This card could get me anywhere, and it's one of the reasons why I have had
one of the most surreal experiences of my life.
This is during the General Assembly, when the whole world comes to the UN.
Kings, queens, prime ministers,
presidents, young talented Norwegian comedians like Hani Hussein.
Everyone is invited!
I went through a door with this card, and the door locked behind me.
And I thought: That's no problem, I'm just going down these stairs.
But on the way up the stairs came Vladimir Putin.
Then I looked over at the only other door,
and out of that door came Donald Trump.
Then the Secret Service looked over at me.
"You shouldn't be here."
"Don't you think I know that? I'm not stupid!"
Then I had to say to Mike Pence, "Excuse me, I need to get by."
And I used this card to get back out.
Is this completely true? - Everything is completely true.
Oi, oi, oi, you big alpaca!
Wow!
That was the first real exclamation.
Yes. It was real.
Lars.
Yes.
How should I do this?
I have thought a little differently.
Right.
I understand what you're trying to do.
But I think my Morse code, which is pretty bad, is much better than yours.
I've read somewhere that you know Morse code.
You've said that in an interview.
Yes, but I don't think you're communicating what you want to communicate.
What is he communicating?
I've gotten through 'Oi, oi'.
Do some... - That was 'D'. ["du" = "you"]
And then you have to find the next letter. 'U'.
How long do I have to keep going?
I have realised that I have lost!
Am I going to sit here forever?
I realised it when Vidar presented his solution.
And it didn't help that Hani had met Vladimir Putin and Trump!
Then I know what to present.
Thank you for coming.
You can go back to your seat.
Can I go?
The best, man.
Yes.
Shall we start at the bottom? - We'll start at the bottom.
That will be tricky. - There have been a lot of good ones.
But Lars, that was just dreadful.
So we'll get one point out of the way.
And then there's Leo.
It's two points for you. You tried to steal. Not nice.
You should get one, but you get two. - Thank you.
And then it's the UN vs. a solid video.
It's three points for the UN, and four for the video, but Jesus Christ!
Impeccable! It's five points to Vidar. Clear as day!
What did you get? Four? I tried to steal from you.
Like I said, I had a feeling that the level is super high today.
I'm super ready to get started. Do we have a task that pops?
Yes, we have the one with...
Okay, we won't take that one.
Do we have one with champagne? We can take that!
Champagne...
Are we drinking champagne?
What does it say? - This is so...
Why did you put an hourglass there?
Just to stress me out?
I've never popped a bottle before. - No?
Maybe that's what I'm doing.
"Open this champagne bottle from the farthest distance."
"Whoever is furthest away when the champagne is opened wins."
"You have 20 minutes. You cannot receive help."
That was new. "You cannot receive help."
"Your time starts now."
You have opened a few bottles before. - I have opened a couple of bottles before.
'Opening' is a question of definition. Can I sabre it from a distance?
Can I go outside? - What are you going to do?
I will sabre it. From a distance.
Yes, sabring it from a distance is an idea.
The champagne must be opened from the farthest distance.
It's as simple as that. - That should go just fine.
When you grew up in Oslo's 'best west side' [the richer area]
you have sabred a champagne or two.
Thank you for saying that. Yes, I have.
Can't we start with Karin, then?
Yes, and we'll include Vidar, too, so we get both sabres.
What are you thinking? - That I'll dig it down over there,
as a start, and then I'll make a long sabre.
I'll turn the table on its side. - Shall I help you?
Like that. There.
There. Like that.
Right?
Ok, we'll have to test and see how it hits.
Let's see... Oi!
That's spot on, isn't it? A bit over there. Yes.
This is one way to open a bottle.
What would be a bad idea?
Potentially this.
Fun!
Ok!
Yes, it worked! I opened the bottle!
It's not that far, but not that short either.
Yes. Good, albeit hopeless solutions.
But they were good. Did you measure it?
Of course I measured it. That's all I do.
I measure things. Let's see... Vidar's sabre pole, 3.3 metres.
It's the best so far.
But then came Karin with 28 metres. - Yes!
It wasn't bad. But it was grotesque.
It was more like guillotining than sabring.
It was a bit like an ISIS solution, but it was far and good.
I'd say we take a look at the three 'L's now.
The three L's? - Lars, Leo, and running ['løping'].
Leo hasn't done any running so far,
but now there's a bit of running.
Yes, I want to see that. - Yes.
Like that. Then I'll put this here.
I'm thinking of standing as far away as
possible and throwing something at this.
Possibly a plan B to tie a string around it...
I will, of course, do that right away. Is there a string downstairs?
Here, yes. I'll just take this.
I was inspired by Trude Drevland [former mayor of Bergen]
when I came up with this idea.
I was thinking about cruise ships,
when they bless the boat.
So thanks to Trude Drevland.
So I'll just go as far as I can.
Are we ready? - Yes.
Now!
Isn't it falling down? - No.
Hell!
It sits there.
If I do this...
There are no limits to how far I can go!
Fuck. It got stuck.
Now I know!
I'll just stop here.
Olli, now you will be proud.
Here I can see it. It's gone, yes.
It's open. - It wasn't so easy with that rope.
Ok, I'll try now.
Hell! Okay.
Ok, now I can't take it anymore.
Hell!
One minute and 20 seconds.
We can do that just fine.
Fifteen left! - Now!
Finally, Lars! Everything worked!
You understood the task,
and everything worked as it should.
The physics did its job and the brain did its job.
It was absolutely insane! - You nailed it!
The distances then? - Let's see.
Leo, 33.8 metres.
If you had thrown as far as Lars was away,
you would have to throw far. 147.5 metres.
Good. - Big win.
Finally. - That's not half bad.
We're just missing Hani. - Yes, you're just missing me.
Now we will look at Hani.
Okay, I have a thought.
I'll open it, but not all the way, then I'll tie a string around it,
and then I'll do the last part when I'm far away.
So now I'll be clever. I'll failproof myself by...
Fuck.
Yes, it often pops earlier than you want, the first time.
Was that a sex joke? - Yes.
But it was funny. - Very funny.
As I said, I've never popped a champagne bottle before,
and my plan was to do exactly what Lars did.
I spent a very long time measuring those zero metres.
Was it zero? - Yes.
Then it's one point to Hani, two to Vidar, three to Karin,
four to Leo, and five to Lars. - Yes!
Here are the scores.
In total so far, the standings are like this.
Oh, it's even. - Oi, oi, oi.
Yes, close at the top, but now, some advertising. See you soon.
You spend a lot of time with these people, Olli.
Do you feel that you're getting close with them?
That you become good friends and trust each other?
I already knew some of them from before, but in general, yes.
Is there trust in the gang? - Yes, trust and skepticism.
The reason I'm asking is because,
didn't we have a task that depended on trust?
Yes, to trust me? Yes, we have. Let's take a look.
Yes.
I wouldn't open that letter...
If I were you. I would've waited for a bit.
Why?
The reason is in the letter.
I wouldn't open that letter... if I were you.
I would wait for a bit.
I agree with that.
I wouldn't open that letter if I were you.
Okay, then I won't open it.
So I just have to wait?
How long do I have to wait?
I started the time when you came in.
The time has started? - Yes.
I will read the letter.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
I will.
You do what you want.
But I wouldn't have looked inside.
"Lift the coffee pots and hold them over their respective microwaves."
"Your time started when you entered the room."
"Your time stops when you lower the pots."
I have to lift them now?
Is the point to hold them for as long as possible?
Yes.
Why did you open the letter? - I haven't opened the letter.
Why did you read the letter? - I haven't read the letter.
Then why are you standing like that?
I'm not standing like that.
Yes, I am.
Yes, a somewhat complicated task.
The task is to lower the coffee pots
after the longest amount of time,
starting when you entered the room.
So the longer you waited before reading the letter,
the easier it was to get a good time.
That's why I gave you the tip to wait before reading the letter.
Yes, you did tell them. - I did.
You tried to help. - Several times.
Let's see how long Hani and Vidar managed hold their coffee pots.
Yes, and I'll throw in Leo too. - Great.
I wouldn't open that letter if I were you.
Then I won't open the letter.
Because I listen to you.
Can you take the microwaves and put them on the floor?
No. - No.
That would've been comfortable. - Yes.
That felt good.
If you had been a bit helpful, by fetching a stool, or...
There it went down. - Oh yes.
I regret not listening to you.
I would advise you not to leave the room.
Alright.
Now you can go.
It went down.
No! C*nt. - What did you say?
I was going to sing the Titanic song.
When would you open it?
I wouldn't open it now. I would wait for a bit.
Then we'll wait.
I'll wait until you say "now".
Otherwise, it will be a long working day.
Then we'll hear what the union says.
Two things that are very surprising are
that you are concerned with the union,
and that you are the one who listens best to instructions.
Well behaved!
I thought I'd do the opposite of what I would do in real life.
Exactly. - So that wasn't your real life?
In real life I don't like authorities, but here we like the king.
Yes. Suck-up.
Do you want some times? Hani, 4 minutes and 13 seconds.
Vidar, 9 minutes and 27 seconds.
And yes, that's it so far.
Then you might have learned that you should listen to Olli.
Yes, but even though you're listening,
it doesn't always give the best result.
Because Leo wasn't finished.
Let's see how Leo did after this.
Ok.
I see there is a reset button.
I'll press reset and open the letter.
Zero. Start.
I'll open the letter.
"Lift the coffee pots and hold them over their respective microwaves."
"Your time started when you entered the room."
"Your time stops when you lower the coffee pots. You must lift them now."
Are you glad that you reset the time?
Then I'll stop the time.
20 seconds.
Talk about self-destruction.
The smash was there.
And then you managed to back up into that accident.
I've heard only God can do anything about time.
And you. You and God. - Only God can save that task for you now.
But it was certainly entertaining!
You were in there for about 12 minutes before you pressed reset.
So, as we all saw, you got 20 seconds. - That's not so bad.
No, it's better than zero.
Have we seen them all now?
No, we still have Lars and Karin.
I don't care what you say.
I'm opening the letter!
I wouldn't do that.
Olli! What should I do then?
That's in the letter.
But that doesn't work! Fuck!
You know what? I'm opening the letter.
Sorry, that was hard.
I don't really get up and running until I've had a cup of coffee.
I've known you since high school.
I would have thought the conversation would flow better.
What then?
What should I do then?
What should I do?
It's in the letter.
You said I wasn't allowed to open it.
You are allowed to. - "Don't do it", you said.
I wouldn't open it.
Why? I don't care. I'm opening the letter.
I wouldn't have done that if I were you.
"Lift the coffee pots and hold them over their respective microwaves."
"Your time started when you entered the room."
Yes.
Are you lifting with your knees?
I could have not opened the letter.
And just gone back out.
But I didn't do that.
Bye-bye.
It's not really that heavy.
Do you think I'm strong?
Well, you're sitting there with two coffee pots.
Yes, is that wrong?
I can't be bothered anymore.
I need to get home today. I was getting too curious.
I shouldn't have come back in.
It's so boring!
As I've always said, being smart is boring.
And what are you?
Right now I'm smart.
Even if it's boring as hell.
I'll put them down now.
Can we pour out the coffee?
Be my guest.
There it went down. - It didn't go down!
It went down. - It didn't! Which one was it?
That one. It even said "gong". - No, it didn't say "gong".
No, it didn't. I don't want to go home.
I would like to stay a little longer.
Then you can continue to sit there. - Olli, it wasn't a "gong"!
You're not getting timed for this. - Yes, I am!
No, you're not. Enjoy sitting there. - Only 22 minutes?
There wasn't a "gong".
Was there a "gong"?
I didn't hear a "gong", did you hear a "gong"?
Gong, gong. - There was a gong.
There was a gong. - Wasn't there?
Anyone in the audience who heard the gong? - Yes!
Yes, there was a gong. - Did you hear the gong now?
I didn't hear any gong.
You didn't see it either? - No, I didn't see anything either.
Can you, objectively, perceive yourself as a bit difficult?
Well, not really. - No. Okey-dokey.
Lars, two in one day! - Was that correct?
Yes. - Yes!
What a class journey! - Twice in one day!
It's been about 20 minutes since I sat on the floor with a helmet.
Completely at the bottom! - And all of Norway laughed at me.
And everyone's just: "Seriously?"
"Why doesn't he get help? I hope he gets some help."
And now I'm here, on the top of it.
"Started from the bottom, now we're here!"
Do you want the times?
Yes. We've seen you for seven episodes, so enjoy this now.
We have seen Lars, but I can remind you.
Vidar was in the lead, before these guys,
with 9 minutes and 27 seconds.
Karin, even though you opened the letter right away,
you were standing there a long time.
23 minutes and 21 seconds. Second place.
Lars, one hour and 51 minutes. Five points.
Now it's time for a break. Let's watch some adverts.
Yes, if there is one thing I care about, it's striving for improvement.
Do you think the same applies to this gang?
That's what I was unsure of, so we made an improvement task.
Yes, we did. We can take a little look.
"Do something..." Should I read? Damn.
I can't even burp. It just came... Sparkling water.
"Do something better."
"Best improvement wins."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
"Do something better"? Anything?
Should I do something bad first? And then do it better?
Yes. Or no.
Many roads lead to Rome.
I think this is difficult.
There are so many things in the world that are difficult,
and there are many problems out there,
so there are a lot of things that can be improved.
A lot. Anything.
Who do you want to start with?
We can start with Karin.
I had a very bad entrance.
So I can come in with a very nice entrance.
Full of energy, more cheerful...
I think I'll also try to make you a little better.
You can be a little sweeter, a little more welcoming,
and give me a hug when I arrive.
Hear hear! Please welcome Karin!
Welcome! - Hello.
So good to see you. I have this for you.
How nice. Have a seat.
I've been looking forward to this task all day!
Now we're going on the town! - Lovely!
Goodbye! - Goodbye!
Yes yes, that was what you wanted to improve.
You wanted to improve yourself.
Who do you want to see now?
Now we can see Vidar.
Yes, why not?
I thought I would arrive on four wheels at the property,
park as neatly as possible, and then do it much better.
Welcome to work.
I've never seen you this cool, Vidar!
Neither have I.
Both tough and soft at the same time.
A lot of stuff.
That kiss was the softest kiss I've ever had.
Fantastic additional information. - And surprising to me.
Oh, it was? But it was great.
It was nice. Who do you want to see now?
That clip doesn't make you want to see men any less.
How many men do we have left? - Two.
Lars and Leo. - Let's look at both of the men.
Making you better, Olli, is something
I've been thinking about since childhood.
Just relax, nurse Lars is here,
and we will now make you better.
I just brought these tubes with me.
It was completely intuitive.
I've just read that colonic irrigation
is good, or not good. I don't remember.
But I brought the tubes, at least,
so we can make an assessment along the way.
Then I'll start with step one of the improvement plan.
More relaxed.
Less tension.
...with a roll.
How do I do this?
Hold me here.
Hold on!
From an old boring fountain...
I found a Norwegian-Spanish dictionary.
We can start with 'gigant' [giant]. What's that in Spanish, Olli?
'Gigant'. - 'Gigante'.
So when you get home to your loved one,
you can take off your clothes, look down, and say:
[In Spanish:] Please, love, giant.
Very good, Olli.
This one can be glued better.
This way. Slightly better balance.
It can just chill in the mix here.
Nice.
I have improved the value of the property,
because I have improved the garden.
Okay, Olli.
Your muscles are more relaxed
and not least, you're now fluent in Spanish.
'Por favor'.
What you're doing, Leo, is on the borderline
between improvement and vandalism.
Hani. Shall we look at Hani's? - We can look at Hani's, yes.
Okay. Let me think.
There is one task I have been thinking about
which I want to do better.
Can it be that easy? I do that?
Did it say you can't do it? - No.
Nice. Ok.
I want to do the one
where you ask us not to read the letter,
with the microwaves and coffee pots.
And then I will actually not read your letter.
Hey. - Hello, Olli.
I would recommend you not to open that letter.
Ok. Goodbye.
So I won't get that one? - There you were clever!
Marvelous! Now…
Not bad at all!
Now you're shining, Hani!
For real. The comeback has started!
I was happy to the core.
Super intelligent thinking.
I get tears in my eyes.
And not only... I think this was fantastic!
Not only do you win this task clearly,
but you have also improved a previous task.
We really have to go back...
I said... I had a gut feeling!
I said it. I was like, "Are you sure this is right?"
It was a gut feeling, and we will get it out now.
Too bad it's not your gut feeling we're giving points to.
Here are the scores from the previous task.
We have to get Hani up to... There, yes.
Yes, Hani... Yes, applause! - Thank you.
And that... task ends when you put down a coffee pot,
which you have not yet done,
but you can do so at any time.
Just make a phone call and come in, and put them down.
In any case, you have lasted longer than one hour and 50 minutes...
which was impressive, Lars.
It's crazy that Hani is so smart and is in last place.
That's what I'm also saying!
This does us all good. - This was absolutely magical.
Yes, ready to give points? - Absolutely. We'll start with Leo.
Definitely one point. - Vandalism.
And then I think we'll take Lars. Two points for that one.
Three points for Karin.
Four for Vidar, and five, Hani. Magical!
And in total so far today, the standings are like this.
It's very close. You can still take it, Lars. Get up on stage!
Yes, we have reached the last task. In front of you, you see a starting line
and boxes that are adapted to your size, kind of.
You can get in them.
Inside the box there is tape that you can attach to the starting line.
The task is to stick the longest continuous tape along the floor.
The tape must not cross anyone else's tape, or your own tape,
and if it breaks, you must go all the way back and start over,
but then the tape that has already been used is annulled.
You get one minute starting... now.
Satan! Hell!
How do you think it's going, Lars?
Fuck, then I have to start over, right?
How much time is left?
You have spent 20 seconds.
Good job, Vidar.
Are you enjoying yourself? - Yes.
No!
Do I have to start over now?
You choose that yourself. - What?
No, I'm happy.
15 seconds left.
I am happy with mine.
How are you doing, Vidar? - Well...
Hani, you're working back there.
Yes.
Five seconds left.
Come on, Lars.
Three, two, one...
The time is up.
You can get out of the boxes and we'll do the scores down there.
Yes, that was fun.
Not surprising who came last, Lars, with this.
How is that possible?
You did well in the middle of the programme,
but now it's zero metres. One point.
Leo, four and a half metres. Two points.
Hani, six and a half metres. Three points.
It's so close, Karin. Seven metres. Four points.
Vidar, five points. 9.9 metres. Well done.
Those are the scores, and in total so far,
the one who wins... - Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Another victory for Vidar Magnussen. Congratulations.
Get up and find the things that make me say "You big alpaca".
The battle for the bust is very close.
Vidar has once again taken the lead.
Here's how it looks. Goodbye. See you later.
Original Norwegian subtitles: Iyuno
English translation: u/msbtvxq
Proofreading: u/taskmastermaster