No, no, no, no!
"You had me at school bun"
Welcome to a new episode of Kongen Befaler,
the programme that entertains the average Norwegian,
and not least Olli Wermskog.
It's delightful to be by your side.
It's delightful to have you here.
The competition for the bust is getting tighter.
The seriousness is seriously starting to sink in among the participants.
Shall we welcome them with a big round of applause?
Leo Ajkic!
Karin Klouman.
Lars Berrum.
Hani Hussein.
And Vidar Magnussen.
It's time for the prize task.
What have you asked them to bring today?
Bring something you can threaten with, that is not a weapon.
Shall we start with Lars?
Yes, we can do that.
I brought a 'school bun'. [pastry with cream and coconut]
And that is...
I hope you have a plan.
Yes, that's what I was going to say.
Last time it went a bit badly for me in this task.
I ended up sitting where the school bun is now,
with a helmet and an air horn.
An attempt at Morse code.
You're dangerously close to the same place.
This is something that can kill Olli.
Olli is, of course, allergic to everything.
Eggs, wheat pastry, air... There's nothing...
Darwin would have laughed if he had seen Olli.
I wouldn't have stayed alive in that time. - You're barely able to stay alive now.
You would have died from this, right?
So I have brought a sketch of this idea.
Here is situation 1. 'Escalation', I've called it.
There you see Olli sitting in his chair, but in his inner pocket there is a shrimp.
Take a look, Olli.
In the suit, yes.
Take it out. - Yes, there.
You're allergic to shrimp too.
Shellfish. But not so much.
So you're already starting to feel a bit dizzy.
That's my plan. A small reaction with a dry throat.
You want some water,
so you can take the glass next to your chair.
There, yes.
And inside there's a little nut.
A huge nut. - Yes, so you must not drink it.
But you do, so now we move on to situation 2:
'Exploiting Olli's crisis'.
You will drink the water,
but since you're very allergic to nuts,
you get an anaphylactic shock.
You start panicking. "Who can help me?"
"Is there a nurse in the room?"
I'm a nurse.
Then you'll be like:
"He has an EpiPen! Where is the EpiPen?"
So you will run towards me,
and I'll be like,
"I have your EpiPen, but I'm not giving it to you",
so you will collapse,
and faceplant right into the school bun,
as we can see in the last situation.
The end.
And then I sit there like: "Hahaha!"
No, that was bad again!
No! Good! It was good!
Damn it!
I have put so much work into this!
I hate these tasks!
Yes, yes, yes, they suck, but it's really funny...
I understand how you approach...
Or no, I don't understand it at all.
You have a plan where everything is supposed
to go a certain way, but it obviously won't.
He wouldn't fall into the bun.
He would have fallen somewhere around here.
But it's still a weapon that is not a weapon.
You have delivered on the task.
But couldn't I have just stuck with that?
If you ask me, I would have just kept it short.
You had me at "school bun".
And then came the long lecture.
But nice effort. That was good.
Hani?
Yes, we were supposed to bring something
we can threaten with that is not a weapon.
I have gone for...
...a stapler. - I see.
I don't know if you see it, but I've stapled your eyes.
Don't take it as a threat.
I'm just informing you that it's a possibility.
And the thing with the stapler is that
you can find it everywhere. That's not safe.
It's not that painful to insert a staple.
That's relatively okay,
but removing it...
can be very painful.
Are you speaking from experience?
It's probably a little painful to get it in the eye as well. Just a bit.
But there are several points on the body that are quite sensitive,
where it can be extremely painful...
to both insert and remove a staple.
Again, it's not a threat. I'm just informing you.
So what you want to threaten with is:
"Do as I say, or I'll staple your eyes or your scrotum to pieces."
And take it out.
Yes, because that's what hurts.
At first you won't feel anything,
but then the plucking comes afterwards.
Karin?
Yes.
I brought something I found in the bathroom at my mum and dad's
that I think is really nasty,
and threatening in many ways.
And that is...
I can't quite bear to touch it.
It's a long-tailed silverfish.
That's the one!
That one there.
These are small silver creatures with hair,
and they mate a lot.
And then they have silverfish babies,
and there are suddenly thousands of them.
You can't get rid of them. Pests. - Pests. They're a real pain.
They thrive best in the bathroom and in the bed,
a bit like humans do too.
So that's... gross.
Mum and dad have had them for maybe 20 years, in the bathroom.
I asked my mum,
"Isn't it time to try to get rid of them?"
But she said that she thought it was quite nice to have them there.
She thought it was nice that there was
someone there to meet her every morning.
And my dad has moved out.
So in that sense, I would say that silverfish are a big threat.
Definitely a huge threat.
Very well solved.
Not only did you solve the task,
you also worked wonders for the property value of your parents' house.
That's what I'm doing.
There are heaps in here.
Do not open this box.
If you want to harm your enemy,
bring some long-tailed silverfish.
Absolutely well delivered. Vidar?
Hey there.
Let's see...
Oi, oi, oi.
You can read aloud what's written there, if you want.
"Aleris Frogner [hospital]."
"Referring to a phone conversation on 27th January, 2023."
"Confirmed appointment: Bård Ylvisåker on 2nd April, 2023 from 12:00 to 15:00."
"Prostate examination and colonoscopy."
"We recommend fasting for a minimum of..."
Hi. This is Bård Ylvisåker.
Regarding my appointment on 2nd April,
I'm a bit unsure whether I should cancel it or not.
Yes, Bård...
I was thinking of calling you on Monday,
because you sent me some pictures.
The pictures you sent give me reason
to want to expedite the appointment.
Yes, sorry. I don't mean to laugh.
Honestly, I have to ask.
Is that what it looks like... there?
Isn't that your job to find out?
Exactly how it looks...
If you have such large protrusions...
Do you have normal bowel movements, or how is it?
Is it possible for you to come in as soon as possible?
Yes. We can talk in detail about
my bowel movements after the show,
but I've heard from some friends that a prostate exam
can feel quite good.
Is it really as bad as it's made out to be?
Well, you do get anesthesia, of course.
And we can now do prostate examinations
with a transperineal prostate biopsy.
We insert needles between the
back of the scrotum and the rectum
and then we take tissue samples,
so you don't have to go in rectally,
as that has often led to infections.
What a fantastic job you have!
You can talk to my secretary, Vidar.
We'll talk about this later.
Thank you so much.
Did you send your own pictures,
or did you find them on the internet?
Yes, I did.
So it's a threat that I have to go to the 'butt-doctor'?
Yes, you have an appointment,
and you didn't cancel it now, so you have to call back.
Ok.
You're such a weirdo, Vidar.
But ok, it's noted.
I'm exhausted. Do we have more left? Leo.
Stand up. No, I'm just kidding.
Can I get points for that? - Yes, yes, yes.
I'm kidding. - Could have stopped there.
Here you play to your strengths.
I was honestly thinking, why bother with threats?
Look how much fun we're having,
showing pictures of our children,
where they go to school,
and who drives them to school.
But that's not nice.
But for real,
I have been robbed at gunpoint in Mexico.
Which was not nice.
I think many of those who rob people have realised that it's not nice.
It's possible to rob people in nicer ways.
So in Bosnia...
I recommend that you go there.
Not many dare to rob tourists
because they're embarrassed to do it in English.
It has to do with wordplays and persuasion skills.
A friend of mine, who is Bosnian,
went back home to Bosnia.
And one late evening he arrived at the place where he lived.
People didn't know who he was, since he lived in Norway.
Then they simply took out this.
A brick, but there was a price tag on it, 100 euros.
They said: "Here you go, you can have it for half the price, 50 euros."
Then there are four or five people standing around you, like...
Selling you a brick?
Selling you a brick, yes.
But what if you say, "No, I don't need a brick."
Do you dare say that?
When it's displayed like that, and you even get it for half the price?
They say you ordered it.
But my friend was fine.
He kind of just... and then he ran back the way he came.
Right. I would say that you did the same promotion for Visit Bosnia
as what Karin did for her parents' property value.
But that's okay.
A forced sale of bricks in the Bosnian way. Not bad, that.
Okay. Let's see, then.
I actually think yours is the worst.
It's the most creative,
but I don't feel the threat.
I have never checked my 'prostatitt' and 'prostatott'.
And it could be a good idea. - So it's kind of like a present.
Yes, since you're the one getting the bill.
I'll give you one point.
Funny, but not a threat.
And then two points to...
Yes, two points to the bun.
Yes, I'm satisfied with that.
Three to the stapler.
And it's actually four points to the silverfish,
and five to the bricks. Classic!
Leo takes the first five points.
Shall we take the task with a "cog" in a stall?
"Cog in a stall"? - Yes? Or a cook in a stall?
Cook in a stall?
I've asked for a task in a stall. - No.
A stall and a cook? - No, a cup.
A cup? A stall and a cup? - No, a ball. Ball in a cup.
A ball in a cup?
Yes, that's what you asked for.
At least I think that's what you asked for. If you asked for that other thing, then...
At least I made a task about a ball in a cup.
Well, a ball in a cup is probably fun too. - Yes, great fun!
Interesting. There's a ball here.
And a cup.
"Place this bouncy ball in the cup."
There it is.
I'm glad I'm not that kind of participant:
"Where is the bouncy ball?!"
Just breathe.
Here is the bouncy ball.
"Place this bouncy ball in the cup from the furthest possible distance."
"The ball must stay in the cup."
"Only the third attempt counts."
You are so annoying!
"You have 15 minutes."
"Your time starts... now."
Yes, that was one attempt.
They have 15 minutes to get the ball in the cup,
but only the third attempt counts.
The participant who does it from the furthest distance wins.
Simple as that.
It shouldn't be that hard.
You can say that but let's, for example, watch Hani first.
Yes, let's do that. That's fun.
Imagine if the others make it too difficult for themselves.
And they miss.
So just getting it in is enough to score quite a few points.
I have three attempts.
Ok.
Ok, attempt number two.
That was attempt number two.
Ok.
I knew it! Damn it.
I have a tendency to say what the clever thing is,
but then I do the stupid thing.
It's so embarrassing! I know what I have to do.
The first thing you tried to do was something
a circus artist could have made a good living from,
if it had succeeded:
Throw a bouncy ball into a cup from the second floor,
and make it stay there.
I would say that's impossible!
Your level of ambition is sky-high.
Are you ready for more?
Yes, how about we watch Leo, Karin, and Vidar?
Yes, we can do that.
Is this an attempt?
Yes, the third attempt.
First attempt.
I can't see anything!
Second attempt.
Yes, this is good enough.
Only one try.
This is where it counts!
Alright, I'm going for it.
Yeah!
Did it go in?
Ok, wait.
It just needs a little push.
There.
There. It's in the cup. Isn't it?
Third attempt.
Yes.
It's impossible to see!
Yes!
So, what do you think, Leo?
About the cup and the ball?
I think I messed up the distance and got maybe five centimetres.
It was a long attempt,
and then I messed it up in the end.
It went into the cup, but...
Yes, because you did one attempt inside,
and then you did one in between, but this was when it counted.
But it got stuck, so you tried a couple more times to move it.
I also got stuck, and then...
Yes, but it was the third attempt that counted.
I might have got nothing. I don't know.
I think you might have got nothing.
But nothing is...
Is it better than something?
No, it's the other way around.
Something is a lot better than nothing. - Yes, that's right. Damn.
But it was an impressive attempt.
And props for the finesse.
Nice, but it didn't work.
There's one person left.
Let me just tell those who might do this show later.
Is it a good thing to be the one who's always left to the end?
I've been that a lot this season,
and it's not a good thing.
Right. But I can say, look forward to this one.
Yes.
"Only the third attempt..."
So you're counting... For example, if I do this now?
Was that an attempt? - Yes.
And then I get it in on the second attempt.
So that was also an attempt? - Yes.
And then I miss the third attempt.
Okay?
Oh, are you kidding me?
Of course I didn't mean that you should look forward to this.
But the rest of you should.
That was fun!
And there was no distance to judge.
It's hard to find words.
So the points are: Hani, Lars, and Leo, zero metres.
It's not a disqualification, but one point.
Vidar, second place, 5.23 metres.
Karin, 6.84 metres. Five points.
So the points look like this.
The current standings for today are as follows.
Yes.
We'll take a short commercial break and be right back.
Olli, I thought you should experience
something you may rarely experience.
A little task where you get invited to a party.
Yes, that was fun. I enjoyed myself.
"Throw a party."
"Best party wins."
"Olli is invited and will arrive in 20 minutes."
For fuck's sake!
Fucking hell!
I'm pretty good at parties.
Okay.
What do I like?
I personally like raves.
I like close-knit parties. I can do that!
I can have an intimate party.
Proper intimate!
Everyone seems inspired.
Intimate party, rave, and lots that I'm looking
forward to seeing.
What did the others go for?
We can first take a look, for example,
at the one who thinks she's pretty good at parties.
Karin?
Are you backing out? - Yes, I'm backing out.
I'm not good at parties.
I know I said it, but I take it back.
I'm not good at parties!
We'll see. I'll include Hani too.
The girls' parties.
Olli, please come in, but cover your eyes.
You have to stand, here. Don't look. Come in.
One, two, three!
Happy birthday, Olli!
Is it my birthday? - Yes.
Great.
You turn 69 years old.
What?
Surprise!
This is your surprise party.
Welcome!
I think we should start with some shots.
The thing I love most about parties is the dancing.
Are you having fun? - Very much.
Well, I'll just...
Yes, take one. What's your favourite, Olli?
It's this one. - Mine too! It isn't.
One, two, three, and to the side.
One, two, three, and with the hips.
Is this what you wanted the most?
It leads to the next part of the party.
Dear Olli.
Congratulations to you.
You are a dream.
You are tall.
You have a beard.
Do you see the balloons? There are balloons on the ceiling.
And there's one special balloon here, Olli.
The yellow one? Is it a present? - It's a present!
What's your favourite song?
Toxic - by Britney Spears.
A whoopee cushion because you're so funny!
Yes, that's the highlight! And then stop.
Fun party!
It's easy to just think of this as a task to solve,
but you're supposed to create a party.
If you ask a friend to throw you a party and this is what you get...
You realise how bleak what we just saw is.
It might be a bit lacklustre,
but I actually think Olli had a good time.
But I would imagine you had ten times as much fun.
I had so much fun!
"Throw a party for Olli where you're enjoying yourself loads!"
Can't we just agree that this was dreary stuff?
But fortunately we have a rave and an intimate party
that I'm looking forward to.
Yes, and Leo. - Here they are.
How are you doing? Ready to party?
Yes.
In Kongen Befaler you are the sidekick, the butler, the servant.
But now you get to be the centre of attention.
You can be, like, Paris Hilton.
I have a women's wig.
You can be a woman.
Why are you here today?
I'm a single mother of three.
Namaste, Olli.
Welcome to this little oasis.
Is your inner self in balance?
Are your yin and yang where they should be?
I don't think so. Take off your shoes.
Come onto the sacred carpet.
Socks too? - Yes, socks too.
Hi. Have a seat.
I like it a bit calm and intimate.
Tonight I just wanted to ask, "How are you doing?"
I'm doing fine.
Is everything good at home?
Yes.
It is?
And then you can pretend to be an animal,
so we can reach out to all the animal lovers.
Woof woof.
I don't know, man.
Can we address the times when you don't have a smile on your face?
Can it affect the kids and the wife?
No. Only myself. I punish myself.
You do? So do I.
Isn't that what it's like to be human?
You're now ready to enter part two,
and the final part of the party.
Are you ready? - I'm ready.
Shout it to the gods! - No.
Masala.
Nice music?
It's perfect!
You can hit the piñata.
Good, Olli.
That's enough.
Finally, I think this party has been...
I had planned confetti, but I think it's a bit too noisy.
Right. No hats or...
Yes, you can wear a hat.
Is this the highlight?
Yes.
End with a punchline.
Now the party's, like, over.
That was the highlight?
That was... Who was that finger aimed towards?
Those who feel offended. - Right.
Before we drink, Olli...
A party can never be planned well enough.
We need a little guarantee.
You take that one.
Then I'll take this one.
And then we have guaranteed a highlight of the evening.
See you tomorrow.
So now we just wait? - Now we'll have fun.
Have we managed to gather five participants
who have never been to a party before?
I don't get how this could be so difficult.
"Throw a party. Best party wins."
Did Hani and I improve our image now?
No! - Yes!
It's an unusually bad image.
Vidar, "Talk about the times when you're not doing so well"?
I tried to start a conversation.
It didn't say "start a conversation", it said "throw a party"!
It was outright terrible.
Lars had a touch of...
You also had a touch of drugs!
All of this belongs at a party. - At a rave, yes.
It was a rave!
You also had a lot of other crap that doesn't belong at a party,
so I wouldn't say that it was well done.
So you get three points.
So I don't even get five points when I win?
It wasn't a great party, but you win. Three points.
Everyone else gets one point.
Those were terrible parties! - That's what I'm saying!
Now you're being strict, Bård.
Strict!
Yes, now I think it's time for a team task.
Yes, we have one team task this year.
Yes, we don't need more.
I'm not that fond of cooperation.
That's good, because some don't even know that they're on the same team.
Perfect.
Sneaky.
Why are you standing like that?
Do you have back pain?
"Make a treasure map."
"Your team-mate must find the treasure in exactly 20 minutes."
"You cannot reveal any information from the letter to your team-mate."
"The team that finds the treasure closest to 20 minutes wins."
"You have 10 minutes. Your time starts now."
"Team-mate..." What?
Is there someone else here?
Who is it?
Where is he? Or she?
Do I have a team-mate?
You have two.
Leo!
Leo will find the treasure.
"Heave ho, soon the treasure will be ours!" [Captain Sabertooth song]
Have you drawn many 'treasurn maps' before?
'Treasurn maps'?
Have you drawn many 'treasurn maps'?
Like this. There's a thing there.
"Start in the office."
"Sit on the stairs."
"for ten minutes."
"Get yourself a coffee."
"Use this thing."
"1. Use this thing."
"2. On this thing."
How much time do we have left?
Three and a half minutes. - No!
Then we'll go outside and find things.
Treasure!
Let's put it here.
There's the treasure.
Three, two, one... - The treasure...
Thank you very much.
"Use this thing on this thing. Use thing three on the next thing."
And you think they'll spend 20 minutes on this?
No.
Waterproof plan, Vidar. - Very waterproof.
You know what? I'd love to to watch some adverts now.
Karin has been tasked with making a treasure map for Leo.
And Vidar is making one for Hani and Lars.
Their aim is to make a map that makes the rest of the team
spend as close to 20 minutes as possible to find the treasure.
Let's take a look at the treasure maps first.
This is Karin's.
We can see what Leo is supposed to do. - It doesn't make any sense.
"Go into the garage for 5 minutes."
"Sit on the stairs for 10 minutes. Get yourself a coffee."
"Spend 5 minutes walking over to the treasure."
Shall we look at the next one?
Here is Vidar's. Look at that.
"Start in the office."
"One, two, three."
"1. Use this thing. 2. On this thing."
"3. Use thing three on the next thing."
It looks like we're in for an exciting hunt.
Shall we see how it went?
Yes, okay. - Let's take a look at all of them.
Is that a timer?
Hi, Olli. - There are two of you?
Yes, there are two of us.
We are tall, you know. - Very.
We're like "Helan and Halal-an". [Helan and Halvan = Laurel and Hardy]
That wasn't bad!
Halal-an? - Yes, Helan and Halal-an.
Yes, I spiced up your joke. Okay.
"Follow the treasure map and find the treasure. Good luck."
Okay.
"Use 'his' thing..." - "This thing..."
"on this thing."
"Use thing three on the next thing."
I don't understand what we're supposed to do.
Oh my god!
"Follow the treasure map and find the treasure."
"Sit on the stairs for 10 minutes. Get yourself a coffee."
"Spend 5 minutes walking over to the treasure."
The treasure.
Do I have to wait and spend that time?
I know where the treasure is.
What's the point of all this?
Leo!
No!
There. Done.
Then I'll stop the timer. - Yes.
Is it supposed to be the tree? That thing?
Yes, maybe it's the tree.
Let's check if there's anything in the caravan.
Here it is. - Yes.
Is it that simple?
"Is it that simple?"
While he's struggling.
Yes, and then we'll:
"1. Use this thing. 2. On this thing."
There's something in the tree.
Ok. - A flying knife.
And then we'll use this in there.
Let's look around and see if there's a 'thing three' here.
What does it say?
"Use thing three on the next thing."
If there's... - There's the three!
And then we'll use the knife here.
Yes, you can do that.
Okay.
Here's one Ferrero Rocher.
And that's it?
That's all?
Was that all?
Disappointed with the treasure?
Yes, I was quite disappointed with this task.
So, is there more now?
No, no, no.
But the task wasn't to make the coolest treasure.
Just to hide it so it would take exactly 20 minutes to find.
Two completely different approaches.
Leo spent 1 minute and 17 seconds.
It was straight on.
The trio spent 8 minutes and 13 seconds.
That's a victory! Five points.
And one point for you.
And in total today, it looks like this.
Anything can happen.
Yes.
It's time for the final task of the evening.
Get up on stage.
It's the final task and the moment everyone has been waiting for.
Which is: the vertical limbo.
You will soon be transporting cups and saucers in a tower.
The one with the highest number of cups and saucers wins,
but they will be transported into the future.
The biggest cup tower in the future wins.
Present the time portal!
Wow. - Oh yes!
Wow!
Yes, you are competing to get into the future.
Bård and I are already in the future.
You must transport as many cups and saucers as possible.
You must have the same number of cups as saucers.
You'll do it one-by-one,
and the portal will be adjusted according to your navel.
Who wants to start? - I can start.
Great, Lars. You can come over here.
Then we'll measure the portal's height.
Stand there. Stop.
Point to your navel.
There is your navel.
Then it can go up, up, up...
Stop.
Please, get as many cups and saucers as you want.
Same number of each.
Stack them up in a tower.
Don't gather them all in your arms.
How many are you going for?
I'll take them all.
Is there any trickery involved?
No.
"Is there any trickery involved?"
It's probably not easy.
You're going for all of them? Are you sure?
That might be stupid.
You're getting started.
And you've started.
Well, then it's just a matter of getting into the future.
No!
Great. You can sit down on the bench.
Can't I just go straight to the bench and skip this?
I always get there anyway.
Yes, next.
What is three plus three? - Six.
Then it's your turn. - No!
First, stand here.
Hold onto your belly button.
Down, down, down...
There!
How many are you going for?
You'll be in the lead if you take one.
How many did you take?
Lars went for eight or nine.
Eight or nine? - A little unsure.
Like that. There.
Are you going to do the same as me?
No!
What's fun is the little hope in your eyes now.
Can't I try one more time?
Go sit next to Lars.
You can laugh at me, but that was insane.
I had just done the exact same thing!
Who's next?
What comes after 'ABC...' in the alphabet?
No? Then I'll choose. Vidar. - Fuck.
Now we're going down.
We're going down.
Yes, please.
Don't take too many!
That's enough.
Advice from the bench: don't take too many.
There, yes.
You're helping Vidar? That's nice.
You could have taken a bit more, Vidar.
Let's see...
One, two, three, four.
You can put them back. Approved.
We have two left. Who wants to go?
Leo, you can stand here.
Finger to the navel.
Yes, up.
Up, up, up, up. Stop.
Yes, that's correct.
Much higher than Vidar.
Yes, you know that one has gone for four.
I'll just take a look.
Is it smarter to take them that way?
How many are there?
One, two, three, four, five.
Yes! Approved. Five.
Hani. Your turn.
Then it's my turn.
My belly button is here.
Stop.
Great.
How many are you going with?
What did Leo have? - Five.
Alright, let's see...
Yes.
Yes, yes.
I just have to say, we would have done that too.
Yes, we would.
But that's not allowed. - No, Hani.
Why not? I have the same amount of saucers and cups.
Yes, why not?
Six. Approved.
It was approved.
The brain is back!
We have seen how it went,
so we'll go through the points down there.
Yes, we are back from the future,
and we have seen how it went.
There were two who couldn't do it.
One point each.
Third place with four, three points to Vidar.
Four points to Leo, and five points to Hani.
Now you can see the scores.
And in total, who won today?
Would you look at that!
That means Hani is the winner.
Congratulations on the victory.
You have got a lot of nice things that
you can use as threats, that are not weapons.
Thank you for watching. See you soon.
Original Norwegian subtitles: Monica Mikkelsen (Iyuno)
English translation: u/msbtvxq
Proofreading: u/taskmastermaster