Don't miss it now!
You can watch, but not touch.
Good evening! I am Jaakko Saariluoma, the Taskmaster –
and this is a programme where five entertainers compete against each other in tasks, –
that are a bit difficult to define at this point as they can turn out to be absolutely anything.
I'm the one to evaluate the contestants' performances, and to score them arbitrarily without asking for anybody's opinion.
Our four regular contestants are: Jukka Hildén – [*stunt performer, The Dudesons group]
Jenni Poikelus – [*Radio & TV personality]
Roni Back – [*Youtuber]
and Janne Kataja. [*Comedian, magician] – Hello, hello!
And tonight, competing with them is an Artist with a capital A, Jorma Uotinen! [*Dancer / choreographer]
(Jorma:) Indeed... Yeah...
And next to me, is a person who is the very corner stone of this programme –
that is, grey and without expression – She's the programme's official referee, Pilvi Hämäläinen!
Good evening.
It's wonderful to have you there, Pilvi. – Thank you.
Do you want to say something more?
Thank you, Jaakko. – Good, let's get started.
First, let's find out what we'll be competing for tonight, in other words, what the prizes are.
And as we do that, the first round of points are up for grabs.
Pilvi, could you tell us what this is about.
As the prize of every episode, is a collection of items that the contestants have brought with them from home.
This time, the prize you asked them to bring was 'the trendiest item of clothing'.
Good, let's start with Jenni. What did you bring? – I brought this scarf.
It's a classic one after all, a yankee scarf. [*As these specific ones are called in Finland] What's trendy about it is –
the way you wear it.
You see, now it's really trendy to wear this on your head, granny-style.
Like ASAP Rocky for example has this style.
Can I take a look? – Sure, do try it on.
So this is trendy, huh?
Just... like that?
Maybe it depends on the wearer. Let's go to the next one.
Janne, what did you bring? – Ah well I brought this classic piece of jewelry.
Is it... it's a Finnish White Guard pendant [*1918–1944 voluntary militia] of some sort. The box might not quite do it justice, not like when it's being worn. See for yourself.
(Jorma:) Do people recognise where this is from?
(Pilvi:) Where is the pendant in that photo?
It's over there between those two... mounds. Thank you, Janne. Jukka, what did you bring?
I've toured all over the place in America so this is a hat that's just a notch trendier.
It's the Mountain Hat by Vivienne Westwood and you won't see these on just any random guy, you know.
(Jorma:) I completely disagree...
Um, because I happen to have this hat with me over here.
(Jukka:) "Won't see on just any random guy!"
– But we are not just some random guys, are we. – We definitely aren't!
This is the trendiest hat after all, is it not?
Jukkas and Jormas stick together, you see.
– Indeed. – I understand. And it has to be trendy when two people already have one.
Roni, are you going to pull out a hat too or what did you bring?
Well I don't have a Vivian... What was it? – Westwood.
..hat, but... – (Jukka:) Just Viivi, among friends. [*Finnish equivalent name]
I have this thing that I haven't seen on anyone else so in that sense it's quite trendy.
These are like... yeah. – Wooow. – What are they?
Upside down goggles. Everything I see is upside down now.
So you normally see everything the right side up? – That's what I've assumed for my entire life.
I've made my decision, none of the items was worth five points.
– What? – Should we berate Jaakko?
Four points go to Jenni. This scarf was a good one. Hat twins Jukka and Jorma get three points each.
Janne... (Roni laughs.)
One point. – Oh? I wonder if you watched the wrong...
I didn't see any trendiness that could be found. There were so many somehow disturbing things about that picture.
– You were looking at the wrong spot! – And Roni, one point.
And now we'll go to the mansion to check out the first task.
– Hello! – Hello.
(Greeting in Swedish:) Tjenare!
(Whispers:) Hi!
I wonder what this task is then.
"Drop an egg from as high as possible without breaking it."
"Highest drop with the egg still intact wins."
"You have 15 minutes."
"Time starts now."
So the task was to drop an egg from as high as possible.
You had 15 minutes for the attempt, and only one egg.
The performance was accepted only if the egg survived the fall without breaking.
Excellent! Pilvi who's first?
Let's watch the performances of Roni, Jenni and Janne.
It's runny.
Runny egg, so... [*The words also mean "limp dick"] Gonna need some tools for this.
If I built some kind of padding thing out of something, but where do I get some padding from?
Let's just take one of these, and...
So where could I drop it then?
(Splashthump)
– If I were to put some... – Do we have a larger water container?
And then... Then I throw it from up there.
If I filled up... one of these bins with water...
and then um, dropped this.
Oh heck no. It's gonna break when I throw.
– Right. – Still got plenty of time.
I'm gonna put the egg inside of this.
So when I drop this cup, it's going to be here, softly and steadily in safety.
So it doesn't bump against anything.
I'm terrified to even drop it from this height. Aaah!
I'm gonna wrap it into this.
Is it intact? Is it intact?
I'm just gonna boil it a little bit. So it gets hard.
Can you boil an egg in a microwave? You can.
Hey. Of course. Microwave egg. [*Also, "micro penis"]
This is gonna take the whole 10 minutes then.
Ta-dah!
– Two minutes. – Really? Okay.
I must take it out, whether it's done or... It is just hard enough –
So it's already gonna cope better in transit.
Don't miss it now.
AAAEEEGFM!
It's in one piece. – Intact.
Am I higher now? I am. – You are.
Watch out, at least the water is boiling hot. Huh! Wait...
The problem is how I can get the egg out of here.
I'm gonna put this...
(Cracking noise.) AAAAAAH! Noooooo!
(Janne:) It was this close.
Those were quite decent attempts.
Jenni, there was something about that Einstein-esque moment when you were at the window about to throw the egg out and –
you said, "No, if I throw this, it's going to break."
What happened in your mind after that?
Then I uh, discovered a shirt. But uh, what I don't understand about myself is, –
why did I carefully lower my hand while throwing, both from the ladder and from the window.
I could've like, dropped it from higher up.
Roni, was that emergency protection exaggerated? A flying package, and a throw into the water?
Well I may have played it too safe and even a 3-centimetre drop felt awful, but..
I did get a result, at least.
– Janne, what would you do differently? – Many things.
But I actually respect Roni, I would've done it without a pan; Like Roni, but without a pan –
'cause if it has a good air bag, nothing's gonna happen, right?
But now you did it like Janne, and the result was what it was.
Well there you go. Pilvi, what were the results?
Roni's best result was 2 metres, 23 centimetres.
Jenni's best result was –
4 metres and 65 centimetres.
Janne's egg cracked in his highest attempt so Janne's result ended up being...
76 centimetres.
I guess the microwave egg was left a bit runny. [*"Micro penis was left a bit limp"]
It did. Unfortunately that happened.. That's what often happens to me at home as well.
Whose performance are we going to see next? – Next, let's see how Jorma did.
Guess I'll just have to go to the kitchen.
If that's where the eggs would be? – There's one.
Ohh, The egg was here! I didn't... Yeah..
This thing, so modest.
So this is like, a boiled egg.
So you know.. This is how a boiled egg spins.
(Pilvi:) I see. – Yep. And an unboiled one spins like so.
– Shall we go off for an adventure? – Sure.
What if you um... Can I drop it something like this?
Or do you have to drop it like this? – You can drop it any way you like.
(Jorma cracks up.)
It broke you know, Uotinen's egg!
And you even got the wrong information, this one was unboiled after all.
I remembered just the wrong way around, how these eggs are.
Oh! Jorma... To not leave the viewers with the incorrect information, –
could you explain once more what the difference between a boiled and an unboiled egg is?
Well, it's when you spin it... As I recall- I don't cook –
So um, my recollection of it was wrong, suggesting that when the egg spins fast, it would be a boiled one.
But it turns out to be the exact opposite, so..
So a boiled egg would spin like, heavier.
And when I assumed it to be a boiled egg, I thought it would just beautifully roll down those stairs like this, but –
as it turns out, that didn't happen. So the accumulated centimetres probably were just a few.
– Right, Pilvi. – The egg broke.
What was Jorma's result?
Jorma's result was, zero metres.
And we're yet to see Jukka's performance. – Yes, but before that we'll go for a break.
Don't go far. Or do, who am I to dictate that, but see you in a bit.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
The task was to drop an egg from as high as possible without breaking it.
Pilvi, what's the best result so far?
The best result at the moment is 4 metres and 65 centimetres, and it's Jenni's.
But we still have Jukka's performance to see.
Shall we watch it? – Now we'll definitely watch Jukka's performance.
(Jukka:) Let's see it!
– I suppose you can use tools. – Yes.
Right then, all clear. I'll take care of this for sure.
What I'm gonna have a think is, what I gonna put this inside.
I think that's a wrap, I'm not gonna need 15 minutes for this.
Okaaay...
Hats off, if you're wearing one.
We're trying to get an egg to the top of a pole, you see.
– I can't take this! – Hahhahaa!
Brilliant!
(Jukka:) To the eggs, then. [*Vague phrase, might be a "toast for eggs" but he uses an expression that most often means a hit/kick to the balls]
This is how you should perform these tasks!
No wasting time by microwaving or groping or twiddling the eggs! [*Or, men's genitals]
This was great. What was Jukka's result? – Jukka's result was 9 metres.
It's a quite average measure of an Ostrobothnian egg. [*Dick] [*Mid-third zone of Finland, stereotypically its people are gutsy, frank and robust]
...Where you can drop it from. – So Jukka gets full five points and –
the others, according to their ranks. What are the overall scores at the moment?
In the lead at the moment –
in a shared position, Jenni and Jukka. – (Jenni:) Oh!
(Jukka:) We've got a couch of winners. (Jorma:) Yeah, yeah, yeah...
There you go, the first proper task at the mansion has been completed –
And just a reminder, you regular contestants, for the entire season you'll be competing –
for this highly desired Taskmaster statue.
Pilvi, introduce us to the next task please.
– With pleasure. The next task takes us straight back to childhood.
(Roni:) Whose childhood?
– Hello!
– Good afternoon. – Very good afternoon to you.
– Here's Johnny!
– Hi!
"Eat the ice lolly."
"Fastest wins."
"Time starts now."
Aaaah! I have an intense phobia of styrofoam.
(Roni:) Ohh gosh!
(Roni:) How can I be the only one? – I don't think there was anything unclear about that to anyone.
– No, the task was very clear: Eat the ice lolly, fastest wins.
– Who's first? – Let's have Roni.
Right. Yup, okay. – (Jenni:) How will you get your ice lolly from there?
I hate styrofoam more than anything.
Oops.
Oh gosh what a dome dinger.
This helps.
(Grunts)
– Time. – Oh! Oh!
(Jenni:) So fast, nevertheless! Unbelievably fast.
Roni, what do you have against styrofoam?
The sound. Like, the way it looks. When you see it, you know what it's gonna sound like. Then you just feel sick.
So for you this task could've just as well been "Open the styrofoam box, or eat an ice lolly."
You almost took more time to open the box.
Yeah, it really was the worse bit.
– Ok. What was the time? – Roni opened the styrofoam box and ate the ice lolly in...
3 minutes and 12 seconds.
(Jenni:) Gee, how quick! – Indeed.
The time was fine.
Although, it did seem that Roni took his time sucking it, so...
Used a gentler approach on the ice lolly, if you can say that.
– Pilvi, whose performance will we see next? – We could watch Jenni and Janne.
(Jaakko:) Jenni and Janne.
"Fastest wins. Time starts now."
What?
(Vaguely:) It's awful!
My goodness, you can't eat like this.
(Unintelligible noise and groaning.)
If you pressed it into a juice?
Hey, the microwave!
Ow, ow, ow, hot! Ow, ow... This water sure isn't hot.
Eaten.
– Time.
Oh, how painful. So awful.
– How do you feel? – It hurts. In the teeth.
(Jorma:) Oh my.
Janne, judging by what I've seen, do you think there's anything that couldn't be solved by heating it in a microwave?
Yes, a (romantic) relationship.
I assume you've tried it then? Did you both get in, or did you take turns?
We took turns getting microwaved.
Good. Jenni, you regressed to the level of a child just there because –
you ate the ice lolly and the only thing you said was: "What? Ow, hot. Teeth hurt."
But it was really awful. You don't even realise how much it really hurts when you start chewing on an ice lolly.
What were the results of Jenni and Janne?
Janne's time was 2 minutes 45 seconds. – Oh look at that!
– That's pretty good. – And I ran.
Jenni's time was 2 minutes 31 seconds – Oh wow!
What on earth?
So Jenni was clearly faster than Roni, but was just a little bit short of Janne's time.
Yeah. Just to let you know, the instructions didn't say "melt the ice lolly –
and then pour it down the drain."
– Right. That was quite confusing. – Are you calling me... a sewer? [*Drain and sewer, same word]
– I am.
So Jenni, when we took a closer look at the tapes, you did pour some of that ice lolly straight down the drain. – Whaat?
We'll have to disqualify this performance, Jenni. – What?
– I'm not the last one anymore! – Oh my!
Look, now let's just forget about the ice lollies for a bit. Jenni gets a chance to have a think on this. Let's go for a break and see you soon.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster, a programme where entertainers compete.
The objective is to win all this irreplaceable and priceless junk to yourself.
Before the break we saw how greedily Jenni, Roni and Janne gobbled ice lollies –
but we still haven't seen the performances of Jukka and Jorma.
Should we let the tape roll? – But of course we should!
Ow, my brain is completely frozen!
Gee, my brain hurts! – Mine too.
Oh there was a straw!
Aaaar! God damn it! My brain and teeth hurt.
Voilá!
You can keep your junk!
Jorma! That was an extremely cold-headed performance.
You were like a machine. You were like a predator and that ice lolly was the prey and –
You made an old Dudeson look like a little girl! [*Jukka's stuntman group The Dudesons]
Alright! Many thanks for this comment.
– How did it feel? – Cold.
What were the times of Jukka and Jorma?
Jukka's time: 2 minutes and 15 seconds.
– That was a surprise!
Jorma's time: 2 minutes and 8 seconds.
Right on! Finally a victory for this couch too.
Top performances, two of the best times.
When I was watching that tape, on a closer inspection, there's one thing about Jukka's performance that bothers me.
Yeah. Me too and um...
We could actually watch a clip of the moments just after Jukka's performance.
Maybe it clears things up a little bit.
(Jenni:) Jukka! – Careless! – Disqualified!
Jukka, you didn't eat the entire ice lolly.
– I was having such a brain freeze there, I couldn't feel a thing. – How is that different to the other tasks?
The surprising thing here was that I said my brain was freezing, and to everyone's surprise, there was something inside that noggin after all.
(Jaakko:) After having seen this evidence, Jukka I'm gonna have to disqualify this.
– Nooo... – Yes. (Jenni laughs.)
– Pilvi, what are the results? – Out of the qualifying performances, the ranks ordered by speed are:
Jorma, Janne, and Roni. – Oh wow! That's our couch!
– For once! – The performances of you two were disqualified.
Five points to Jorma, four points to Janne... – Five? Thank you so much!
Janne four, Roni three, and Jukka and Jenni, you'll be left without.
Injustice.
Pilvi, how's the scoreboard?
It now seems that the person who has taken the lead is —
Jorma!
Thank you very much!
– The competition grows tougher. – Really does.
Let's go back to the mansion and have a look. Next task!
– Thank you very much. – (Formally:) You're welcome.
Whatever this is?
– "Try to make the referee's heart rate rise as much as possible." – "You may not touch the referee."
– "You have 20 minutes." – "Time starts now."
How do people's heart rates rise? When you're excited. When you're scared...
Am I funny or scary? You can decide.
First of all I'd like to say, thank you Jaakko Saariluoma very much for this task –
I'm really glad about it.
So the task was to get my heart rate to rise as much as possible.
– Who's first? – First, let's see how Roni, Jenni and Janne did.
(Jenni:) Every time! Every time!
– Can you be asked to do things? – I can.
You've got a heart rate monitor?
I've fucked your boyfriend.
Did your heart rate go up? Not at all.
Perhaps a fierce look would do. Let's try with that first.
You're not allowed to touch, can you touch the chair? – You can touch the chair.
Wanna climb onto the roof? – I can. – Well come on then.
– What's your heart rate now? – 62.
You do know that many people have fallen off roofs, right?
– What's your heart rate now? – 82.
Right, there you go! This is how it's rising.
– UUGH! PILVI! – Naaaah!
Aah, that dog's gonna attack!
Is that your great grandmother?
Isn't she dead? She's over there...
Totally mental!
If this doesn't make your heart rate go up, nothing will.
– I don't want you do die. What's your heart rate now? – 118.
118, and we started from 68, that's an outstanding achievement.
(Raunchy music. Audience laughs.)
Ooh! Heart rate's rising.
You can watch, but not touch.
– AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! AEEEEEH!!!! What's your heart rate? Quickly, look quickly!
120, 121! Tee-hee-hee-hee...
Good ol' knife maniac trick!
Well my heart rate is starting to go up. How about yours?
Of course not.
And four, three, five, four....
Jesus Christ, aahh!
Nah-na-nah-na-nah-nah! You just let one rip! [*...as the Finnish version goes]
Oops!
Someone's "like a tub of viili". [*Fig. of speech: someone who's completely cool. Viili is a trad. Finnish, cultured yogurt-like product that sits until matured.]
Nine. Very good! Very good! Very good!
BOO!
Thank you, and all the best, and above all, sorry.
You'll see in the studio eventually whether there was a tempest inside.
The younger and older entertainers clearly had a different approach to this.
Roni quite strongly relied on his own charisma and gaze.
Her heart rate didn't go anywhere, so. Is that a sign of something? I don't know.
You asked, "am I funny or scary" so what was the answer?
I don't remember but I started with scary but I think it ended up more onto the funny side. – Well it wasn't even fun, actually.
Well alright. That was your opinion but but you didn't have to deliberately tell everyone here.
It was something between the two. And Jenni, you decided...
to have a go at erotic dancing, among other things. – Yeah.
What would you do differently?
– I probably would've taken some clothes off. – It's too late now.
And Janne, you made her climb onto the roof, threatened her with a knife –
and almost drove your own car onto its roof. Was it worth it? – It was, it did work.
Because she was shaking when she got out of the car, so...
Of course she's shaking, she was terrified for her life!
– Of course, of course. So was the whole crew.
Pilvi. What were the results?
Roni made my heart rate rise to 90 beats per minute.
– So it rose from the resting heart rate just a tiny bit. – Yeah. It was the immensely intense stare.
How did... How could I put this in a nice way, burlesque-Jenni do?
Jenni's result was 134 –
But Janne's result was...
– 135. – (Jenni:) Oh gee!
Think about it, my erotic dancing was almost as wild as the driving of Janne Kataja.
Yeah. I was thinking about it too, should I have just danced erotically while driving?
Or remove some clothes.
I think, had you done that at the same time, you wouldn't be here now.
And neither would Pilvi. I'm glad you are both here.
Look, we still have the performances of Jukka and Jorma to left to see –
But now we'll go for a little break.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
Before we went on a break, Pilvi the referee's heart rate was raised by –
Jenni, Roni and Janne.
We still have the performances of Jorma and Jukka left to see.
And their footages have been merged.
– Excellent. Let's have a look. – Let's.
Off with the pin!
Just a little bit...
How did that end up....
I think there was a bow out there somewhere.
I'll just go and get it, we'll put an apple on top of your head and um...
Rolling, rolling! Rolling, rolling!
You know I haven't really shot for a long time. Oops!
Let's see how well I shoot, watch out guys.
Surely I can at least hit that tree from here.
Oh, that actually went off by quite a lot... Weeell!
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Three, two...
Damn, I could hit it you know!
Let's do some squats, eh?
There, and there..
Just let go! And down and down! Go, go!
(Sings:) La la la la la, it's sleeting in the summertime!
I'm so beaten.
I can't take this anymore, I'm an old person!
I think the time passed already.
– Time. – Thank you.
This was the most pleasant task!
(Jorma laughs.) – Indeed. Goodbye.
Pilvi. If your heart rate doesn't rise doing that, then there's something wrong either with you or the measuring instrument.
I wouldn't take Jukka as my personal trainer if you paid me. It might suit some people, but not me.
– I don't recommend that either. – Jorma, how did it feel?
It was a fun task. But there were some mistakes too.
Oh really? Pilvi, did it go as it should've gone?
– Umm! – What were the results, firstly?
– Well if we just check the results first and talk about the mistakes after that. – If there were any!
But with Jukka's treatment, my heart rate rose to 143 beats per minute.
Jorma's result was...
166 beats per minute.
– How? – Who knows.
Now what I'm interested in is, Jorma brought up the matter of possible mistakes, so –
What does it mean? – Right. Jorma may not have fully comprehended the instructions, or...
Something wasn't quite right in there.
Shall we take a look, I have a clip to show. – In that case we'll watch it, absolutely.
"You may not touch the referee."
Hold on (to my hand)!
Just a little bit. Hop!
Keep going! And down, and down! Very good!
Well the heart rate did rise!
Well now that I saw this clip, I must say that I think I spotted a few times when the referee was touched, so...
Right. Understanding what you've just read is a fundamental thing.
That's true, Janne, 'fundamental' means 'thorough'.
What happened there? Got lost in a feeling, or?
Got lost in a feeling and then I thought, now I have to get her moving, so....
I'm accustomed to holding a human being! [*Meaning hold / catch / grab and other such dance contact]
That's good. That's really good.
But Jorma, unfortunately I have to disqualify this. – I assumed that would happen.
– I am sorry. – How sad.
Jukka was the best.
Full five points, and for the others, scored according to how they did.
What's the situation right now, Pilvi?
In the total scores, in the lead we have...
Jukka!
So it's yet to be determined who takes these prizes home. – That's right.
For that, we have a final task. Contestants, brace yourselves.
Pilvi, what is the final task?
The final task is extremely challenging and requires cleverness.
Jorma, please read the task aloud.
Requires cleverness.
"Draw a medium sized picture of the taskmaster."
"The person with the most medium sized drawing wins."
"You have 60 seconds. Time starts from the taskmaster's sign."
So the task is to draw a picture of the taskmaster, each to your own boards. The drawing must be medium sized.
(Jaakko:) Have you understood? – I'm gonna draw a fat head on this one!
Jorma... Don't start yet.
Time... starts... now.
I'll try to be rather still, although of course do use your artistic freedom and such.
The most medium sized drawing wins. – (Pilvi:) So Jorma remember, that's not the largest drawing.
I'll remember.
This is the first time that Janne has been quiet for one full minute. – (Jukka:) And the last time.
(Jaakko:) An artist at work. – Time!
Time's up, great! Let's see what you've created. We'll start with Janne.
Well here it is.
There's shoes and then there's you. – Yeah... Good.
It's... I can't tell how its size compares to the others yet, but..
Probably quite close to your size. – (Pilvi:) Looks quite small for a medium. – Does it?
Well let's see what Jorma has created. – A bust drawing.
Oh nice! So you've got the artist's impression and a desk. – Yes. Well I am an artist.
You are, with a capital A.
Roni. – Are you sure that you want to see this?
Not at all, but I must, on behalf of my job.
(Pilvi:) Does it have wings? – It's a fairy!
Do you think of me as a fairy? – Yeah.
Light as a fairy. – Precisely! Jorma can take it from here.
So far, they're increasing in size from left to right so for now Roni's is the largest.
Jorma is doing well at the moment. Jukka, were you still adding some finishing touches?
I wrote "Jazka". And he's trendy too you know, all refined with a mountain hat on his head.
Well drawn. And then, Jenni.
Here is mister taskmaster in his teens, I suppose...
He's got some pimples there.
Umm, the objective was to draw the most medium sized taskmaster.
Pilvi, who did?
The smallest taskmaster was drawn by Janne.
The largest taskmaster was drawn by Jukka.
But the most medium sized taskmaster was drawn by...
Roni.
So the scores are as follows:
Roni five points. Jorma and Jenni, four points.
And the people who drew the sizes at the extremities, Jukka and Janne both get three points.
And now it's time to find out the winner of this competition.
After finishing all the tasks, the person who managed to accumulate the most points was...
Jukka.
– (Jaakko:) Congratulations Jukka!
You can go and caress your items of clothing! [*Word refers to skimpy or thin clothes such as sheer lingerie]
Thanks to all contestants thanks to all of you at home.
This was Taskmaster.