This one I'm gonna win. This one I'm definitely gonna win.
Can you even show this on TV?
Did you think you were being smart?
– Blimey! – Like this!
Good evening and welcome to Taskmaster!
This is a programme where a group of entertainers tries to deal with carefully planned but ludicrous tasks for your enjoyment.
I judge their performances and score them exactly as I please.
Let's get started. Our regular contestants are –
Jenni Poikelus, [*radio & TV personality] Roni Back [*Youtuber] –
Janne Kataja [*magician, entertainer] and Jukka Hildén. [*stunt performer]
And this week, competing with them is the Järvenpää city's offering to the altar of entertainment –
Paula Noronen [*writer, radio & TV performer]
And sitting at her own desk we have the referee of this programme, Pilvi Hämäläinen.
Pilvi, just one question before we start. You and Paula, you know each one quite well, right? – Yes.
Um, don't you have a conflict of interest when it comes to to judging this?
No, no I don't plan on favouring Paula in any way really. I plan to be a very neutral and good referee.
– How can I be sure? – Well, for example we can subtract one point from Paula, if you wish.
– Let's do that. – Fine. Paula's initial score: minus one.
Okay I will reven-... never mind.
– Shut up, Paula Noronen. – Do you want us to subtract more?
– Well that's arbitrary. – Let's get to the point and find out what we'll be competing for tonight.
What the prize is. And as we do that, we'll also hand out the first round of points. Pilvi, would you please elaborate.
The episode's prizes are a collection of things that the contestants have brought from their own home collections.
This time, the item that they were asked to bring was –
'the best home made object'.
Let's start with... Jenni. What did you bring?
I brought this.
Have you just been to... the loo?
– Oh come on... – Jenni, what is it?
– A dinosaur? – I mean, it's a horse!
– It's a horse? I hope the others have something better...
Janne, what did you bring? – Well um, I brought this egg on a stick – [*The word for egg also means dick]
And of course the device that I always use for cooking it back at home.
I don't want to know what else you do with that device at home, but yeah..
And I couldn't tell you anyway because this is a family programme.
Was, a family programme; When you took out the egg[*dick] stick, this suddenly turned into a late night show. – Right, yes.
– Jukka, what did you bring? – I brought a Batman car.
I love to um, make things out of cardboard with my kids.
And this is um, one artistic performance and then I have –
And then of course I also have this Batman boomerang, or "baterang". It's functional, have a look.
Right. And um, it's with these that we watch movies with, since it's been built and, we sit in these shanties.
This one was made for um, what was it that we watched, we watched the Lion King from the Batman car, with the kids.
Right, excellent. Thank you, that one's really great!
Now we're starting to get to the level we expect.
Paula, what did you bring? – Well I thought of this a lot because, um...
There's one thing I can't do, and it's baking.
There's something about me and baking, we just don't get along. I understand nothing about the kind of recipes –
that have "a pinch of something." I don't know if it's like my pinch or Juha Mieto's pinch? [*Famous olympic cross-country skier. Physique: Brian Blessed + Santa casual]
It's really hard. But you know, I've now brought you a home made cinnamon swirl. [*Famous olympic cross-country skier. Physique: Brian Blessed + Santa casual]
– But that's pretty! Sure you can bake!
It's not me who baked this.
But Paula, the objective after all was, "the best home made thing".
Well I'm sure it's made in somebody's home. Or well, it was this place, it said "home bakery". – Right, right.
Thank you, Paula. Thank you.
Roni, what did you bring?
Yeah so last weekend I was a bit panic-stricken as I didn't really have anything that I'd done during my lifetime, so...
I decided to take the helm and... (Just a moment) I knitted a cap.
– Oh wow! – Look at that!
– How does it look? – Have you actually knitted it yourself?
– Yeah. All the way. – I was a bit worried when he started digging something out from down here – – Right!
That now we're going to need that egg[*dick] stick of Janne's. – And I was already prepared to hand it out.
– Jukka, when you get back onto the couch... Or, you can stay there too. – (Roni:) Just stay there.
My expectations really weren't very high on this one –
actually I had no expectations of any kind when it came to this task.
And you know what? You even managed to fall short of those.
For that reason, look, dear friends, for the first time in the history of this programme, we'll settle upon –
pity points. (Jenni:) Yay, säpii!* [*Unheard-of to translator, likely a portmanteau word, slang for 'pity fuck']
And to all four people sitting on the couch, I'll now give one pity point. – I made it to zero.
– But Jukka... – What, Jaakko?
Jukka, Jukka.
I mean it's really nice and I admire that architectonic art of yours.
And it's great that you watched the Lion King at home from this car you made, but –
Jukka, isn't it just a fact that you panicked and you slapped it together backstage five minutes before the broadcast?
Other contestants, wasn't that what happened? – (Others:) Yes, I saw the cardboard boxes.
Jukka, I'm not even gonna give you that one pity point. – There's the jump button here.
There's the jump button and you wish you could jump off the television right now, but it's not happening.
We'll be watching some more of you messing around, now we'll go to the mansion to the first task.
Right then.
"Break the coconut with a tool of your choice."
"Your choices are hammer, power drill..."
"...paper clip, pliers, and a bow (and arrow)."
"Fastest wins."
"If another contestant picks the same tool, you get a one minute time penalty."
"Time starts now."
So the main principle of the task is very simple:
Break a coconut.
– Oh brilliant, who's first? – Let's start with Jenni and Roni.
I've never broken a coconut before. I'd probably smash it with the hammer.
How can you possibly do it with a paper clip?
I wonder if everyone would be like, "I'm not gonna pick the hammer 'cause everyone else picks that" and then no one takes it but I would.
Aaah I'd like to smash it with that hammer so much but –
I'm certain someone has smashed it with the hammer. Someone will smash it with the hammer. I'm sure of it.
Oh that bow is just far too cool, I must take it. I must.
I think we're gonna go out just for the sake of safety.
Well I'm gonna hit it with this hammer then.
Well it's not gonna work with this, is is now.
What the heck? How do you break a coconut?
Safety!
I was having doing some archery just a month ago.
(Roni in video:) Oh no.
Where did it go?
What does it mean, break? That I'll make some kind of... small hole in it?
Oh no I'm just trying out everything now!
You all have insurances and all that?
It just can't have been swallowed by the earth or something.
Look Pilvi, I think I'll have to go get some other tool.
No!
– Time. – Oh, it broke easily after all.
(Mumbling.) – You going to pluck it with those?
I mean... Just break, perkele! [*Strongest Finnish swear word, doesn't even translate in strength]
– Broken? – Do you think it's broken now?
It's broken when there's a hole in it. If there's a hole in a shirt, is the shirt broken? It is.
– It's broken when there's a hole in it. – Oh my.
Jenni, you know how you can tell when a contestant isn't quite sure if they've succeeded?
– Well, tell me. – When – You just saw it there. When –
When on the last minute, you start a philosophical debate on what it means to break a coconut –
and before that you've just had a go at it with every possible object.
Roni. You managed to lose the arrow some 4 meters away. – Indeed.
What would you have done if you had dropped the hammer?
Probably the same thing: searching for half an hour, and then going to get something new.
By this stage it's pointless to ponder on whether Jenni's coconut was broken or not because –
Jenni's time was the worst one anyway.
And on top of that, Jenni used all the available tools, so –
All the available time penalties are going to affect her score.
Jenni's time was 12 minutes and 29 seconds.
Roni's time was 9 minutes and 6 seconds.
Oh I was that fast? Look at that! I'm happy with that.
Some tough performances. Soon we'll find out how Jukka, Paula and Janne dealt with this but –
before that, we must catch our breaths for a bit. See you soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster!
Before the break Jenni and Roni tried to break a coconut and –
the performances were... should I say, interesting.
We still have three contestants left. Let's see how Paula, Jukka and Janne did.
"Time starts..."
"Now?"
Well I mean, Hildén definitely picks that one because he wants to do things like, flamboyantly.
I don't suppose anyone picked this one.
I uh... Can I go outside? – Yes. – Well then.
I don't think anyone's picked these, so I can't get that one minute penalty.
I bet someone else took the paper clip or something...
– Oh! (Pilvi in video:) Time.
The pliers, they played an essential role.
– Do you think you're being smart? – I did, but I don't know if I was.
And I'm gonna choose the lazy man's solution.
Oh, the liquid broke out.
Think I'll take the hammer for a combination after all.
There you go.
Okay, right, let's just think for a bit.
I don't think I've ever broken one of these.
I bet that would be... Don't have any safety goggles, no...
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Perkele!
– Time. – Sorry.
(Jenni:) I'm so embarrassed!
One out of the three of you dealt with it rather well and used their head.
That one sits over there, quite in the middle.
Jukka, what did the pliers have to do with the fact that –
you broke the coconut by smashing it against the steps?
They balanced my throwing position by being in my back pocket.
Didn't you notice? – No. What I'm interested in is what would've happened, had you not had them?
I would've fallen over. You know about my two left feet!
I think you've fallen over enough during your lifetime.
Janne, if you renovate your home, do you commission the job or do it yourself?
If I wanted to get rid of my house in the future, I would commission the renovation job.
But I always start it myself.
Paula, did you consider any other alternatives besides the hammer? – No –
'cause I thought everyone else would start pulling off gimmicks, I'll just get it done as soon as possible.
I just saw when Pilvi's... Were you wearing glasses in there? – No.
Well something happened to you like this, ta-ta-tam, that coconut milk was all over the place.
And there was some on your outfit as well, but you can get more of those from Mononen. [*A certain mortician)
(Laughter.) – From Mononen's funeral home.
Great. Jukka your performance is disqualified because you didn't use any of the tools.
Pilvi, what about the other results?
With time penalties, Janne's time was –
4 minutes and 26 seconds. – Yeah. Not bad.
And with a time penalty, Paula's time was –
1 minute and 41 seconds, which is the fastest of all.
1 minute 41, even with the time penalty.
Paula, full five points. Janne four points, and Roni three points.
Jukka and Jenni, you'll get no points from this task.
– Hey, couch of winners! – Us three, yeah.
Pilvi, what's the state of the total scores at this point?
Leading on the scoreboard at this point, the dynamic duo, Paula and Janne.
Oh! – (Roni:) Couch of winners!
Jukka and Jenni, I hope that you've paid attention in the next task.
Let's go see what it's about.
Right then.
"Slide for the longest distance."
– "15 minutes to prepare, one attempt." – "Longest slide wins."
"Time starts now."
So the task was to slide as far as possible.
They had 15 minutes to prepare –
but for the actual slide, but just one attempt.
(Jaakko laughs.) Who's first?
First, let's see the performances of Janne, Jenni and Roni.
(Jenni:) Always first!
– Slide... – Gonna need a hill of some kind.
I've got a vision. Right away.
Well, alright.
Where do you keep the oils?
Fairy.
If there might be some kind of plastic or something, and...
Actually quite difficult to run in these.
(Janne:) There's some more Fairy. – Oh no but that's good! Plastic bags, plastic bags...
I'll put some on my clothes, but also onto the track.
I'll make like, a track here.
Nooo! No! Perkele!
Can you even... show this on TV?
– Ooh, great! – Wow!
(Jenni laughs.)
Noo! Noo!
Now.
Janne, I... You were rubbing that soap all over yourself, I hope I can get that off my retinas.
But in there you asked whether this could even be broadcast on TV –
so should you rather have asked, "should this be broadcast on TV?" – Apparently so.
But I mean... I hope that at least my kids won't watch this programme because the "co-embarrassment" is so strong.
Roni, you had this kind of, short tarp. Were you surprised when the slide continued after the tarp?
Nah, I mean I thought that I'd slide all the way into that house.
Pilvi, the most important question, what were the lengths of these slides?
Janne's slide was 5 metres and 90 centimetres. – Oh wow!
Jenni's slide was exactly 8 metres.
Roni's slide was 9 metres and 55 centimetres.
Roni, you took the lead.
Such a rare feeling.
But we're yet to see Paula and Jukka. Before we see them, let's slide for a little break.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster!
Before the break, we initiated a contest for the longest slide.
So far things like soap and bin liners have been used, but Pilvi, the results haven't quite been what I expected.
Roni currently has the best result, which is 9 metres and 55 centimetres.
But we still have the performances of Paula and Jukka, so shall we take a look? – The expectations are really high now.
– From where do I go sliding? – "Slide?"
Who needs any of that!
Yeah, this is where the stuff is.
I think we'll just go outside now.
You would slide with one of these, wouldn't you.
With a helmet on. Safety first.
The air blower, wait.
I'll do a couple of test slides there. Oh but, are test slides allowed?
(Pilvi:) You only have one slide. – Just one slide.
This is gonna be... This one I'm gonna win. This one I'm definitely gonna win.
Should I do a run-up?
Two, one!
Blow! Yeah, great! Give me a push, Pilvi! Push, Pilvi!
This is going really well. This is going well. Wait! Didn't it say that you can't stop to...
Good job!
There. The end.
Paula, your performance was like watching Kim Jong-un at a luge competition, like...
Everybody knows the rules, but they get altered as the performance goes on.
And the citizen is harnessed there with a leaf blower and everybody knows that it's of no use at all.
It was useful! It was a surprisingly strong pressure that came out.
– I believe that. – I bet we went on for like, two kilometres with Pilvi.
We would've kept going for longer, but we run out of cord.
Oh right, because it only had this 1,9 kilometre cord on it.
I bet it felt like two kilometres. Jukka, how did you come up with that?
I snowboard and skateboard so we always go sliding with the lads.
– What we saw was neither. – Well what was it?
– Pilvi, what's the definition of a slide? – Right.
Sliding is moving on a surface, while constantly maintaining contact with that surface.
Paula at least kept losing contact with that surface quite a bit. (Janne laughs.)
– I don't fully agree. – (Jaakko:) Right... What are the results?
Paula slid a total of 53 metres and 20 centimetres.
If only the first part of the slide counts –
then the result is 12 metres and 40 centimetres.
– That's good too. – So is this allowed then? – Jukka's slide...
It was in a category of its own: It was 84 metres and 50 centimetres.
Gotta stretch out.
Let's decide that we accept Paula's 53 metre slide on one condition: –
That after this, everyone refers to it as the two kilometre slide.
– Awesome! – But as far as the scores go, since Jukka's slide was the longest –
he gets full five points, and the others, however their slides went.
Are you following? – Yes.
– What happens next? – Next, I'll tell you the total scores.
Where in the lead, with the two kilometre slide, is Paula Noronen.
The competition runs hot, and it's no wonder –
because today we're competing for the self-made prizes that you made at home.
And indeed, for the entire season, our four regular contestants are competing for this –
highly desirable, gilded Taskmaster statue.
Hey do we have to accept that egg[*dick] mangle of Janne's?
I don't know but I bet you can come up with some completely different use for it.
Let's go to the next task at the mansion.
(Janne:) It's too big for him.
– Hello! – Hello.
– Hi! – Hi.
I think I know what's gonna happen here.
"Put on as much weight as you can."
"The person who added the most weight wins."
"All of the weight must only be on top of the scale."
"You have 5 minutes."
"Time starts now." – I've got five minutes.
So the task was to put on as much weight as they could do in five minutes' time.
This sounds appetizing. Pilvi, tell me who's first?
We'll start with Jenni and Roni.
Not gonna fill up by eating these... I'd rather carry something, but what could that be...
Fine.
Something heavy, something heavy...
And I should be able to carry all these things out of here too, of course.
How much do these weigh? Nah, nothing.
There's so little time, I won't even be able to fill this up with water.
They won't fit. Oh this whole thing is just falling apart now...
That over there, and...
Where are the forks and knives, who planned this kitchen?
– Forks and knives? – They do weigh!
Well let's just go with these.
That plant would've weighed more.
– You have 50 seconds remaining. – Blimey!
10 seconds.
Time.
I might look a little bit desperate.
This performance was like watching two extremely desperate burglars –
who simultaneously also struggle with their general coping in life. [*Lit. Finnish: "life management"]
Roni, I didn't see the look on your face because that melon was on the way, but...
Jenni you looked really proud of this performance. – I was!
Yes, yes I was. I mean I did carry one very heavy... bucket up there.
And the apples on top of that. – And you went off to get that bucket from quite far away too.
Roni, was the heaviest thing to cross your mind in the kitchen the forks and the knives?
Well I was looking for them, but all I could find was those puukkos. [*Trad. Finnish general purpose belt knife]
Who takes puukkos when you have to find something heavy? Well, I do. [*Trad. Finnish general purpose belt knife]
I can tell you who does: Roni Back.
Pilvi, how did this turn out?
The extra weight that Jenni managed to put on was 18,1 kilograms.
– That's alright. – Yeah.
– And Roni got 22,6 kilograms. – It was close. Close.
– The estimate was quite close, Roni. – (Roni:) But you don't get points for that.
For estimating? No, not in this task, wasn't a part of it.
We've still got Jukka, Paula and Janne left –
But now we'll go for a little break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster!
Before the break we saw how Jenni and Roni tried to increase their weights –
by clasping everything from cutlery and fruits to spades.
We'd still have the performances of Jukka, Janne and Paula remaining.
Excellent, let's watch them.
"On the scale", it means, here.
Umm, weight, umm, on top of the scale.
Just wait, wait, wait.
As much weight as possible.
So, um... Could you piggyback on me?
– I can, yes. – Good. Right then.
– Three minutes. – Yeah but come on now, stand. Come.
I've got everything falling apart.. Come quickly now. Hop on.
Wait.
I'll just get down a little.
Are you ready?
Come here. Are you allowed to come?
I mean I'll get another 90 kilos from that.
Wait, wait... I'll just get my tummy...
Can I take someone from the crew? Is anybody free? Hey you, you look idle, c'mere.
Are you a trainee? Come here now. Quickly!
Good, and then raise your foot.
I can't check on the weight, but I think this is quite...
Don't breathe, Pilvi, 'cause it, um... immediately makes some weight go away.
Just stay there now! Try! This is your big shot now, a very important one.
Well then! Can anybody check on the reading, I can't look?
Step in there, please.
Then you, come over.
I'll jump to the crotch, you'll hold me here in your arms.
And you, you're piggybacking –
and then you'll come and walk the tightrope, then it all only depends on you. But don't mess this up!
Like this! Pilvi, up you go, piggybacking. – Uhhh...
– I'm really not this strong. – (Jukka:) You are strong. Now you'll have to be!
It's just one performance.
Are you there? Good! And now onto the scale, and you, get in here.
Now we'll just have to find our way onto it.
Then, come here. You can just stand on his toes and I'll hold you. One, two, three.
Go! Good. Good!
And there you have it! We've been on the scale. What was the result?
Janne, the clip from your performance featured what is perhaps the deepest squatting I've ever...
For how long were you being lifted up from there?
For the rest of the summer.
I thought I saw you walking around about this tall. – Right, right.
– But did you notice, for once I had some healthy colour on my face! – Well, "healthy".
But a colour.
Jukka, why didn't you lift all the others up instead?
Because then I would've done all the work!
Felt a bit awful when I said, "then just step on his toes."
Paula, did you and the people you were commanding there know each other at all?
No, now we do.
But I mean I'm so resentful now, I should've pulled more of those people in.
Well I tried but we ran out of toes to stand on!
Right, we'll get back to these performances a bit later. First, Pilvi, what were the results?
Janne's result was 79,6 kilograms.
Paula's result was 178,8 kilograms.
and Jukka's result, 250,9 kilograms.
Before we hand out the points though, I was pondering on whether we should subtract one point from Jukka –
because strictly speaking, he didn't increase his own weight –
but did it to someone else's weight. – Yeah, and I mean it was the same thing in Paula's case. – Whah?
Paula brought other people onto the scale, but didn't really increase her own weight. – But I was included myself!
– You weren't the one supporting the weight, your feet didn't carry the load. – I was mentally supporting you through the whole thing.
(Jaakko:) That just didn't show up on the scale, I'm afraid.
You know I was like balancing the whole system –
I leaned backwards so someone else could be there. Surely, someone has to supervise it.
But the only people supporting the weight with their own legs were Janne and Roni.
– Right, I agree. – (Roni:) I agree.
Right. Then this is how the scores are: Janne five points –
Roni...
– Oh my. – Shhhhh!
Janne looked like he'd just been to the osteopath.
Roni four points.
and Jukka, Paula and Jenni, three points.
Pilvi, how are the scores at the moment?
Right before the final task in the total scores, in the lead is...
ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta...
Paula!
– Paula, you're in the lead. – What?
– You're in the lead. – Right, that's what I heard.
– You look surprised. – I mean I'm really happy because I find them really serious, these opponents.
– No instinct of rivalry. – The situation can still change, it's time for the final task.
Pilvi, what's this about?
This time the final task is very formidable and harbors several different layers.
Paula, would you please read the letter aloud.
"On your turn, place a grape either into your mouth or in your hand. After this you'll have to answer –
the taskmaster's question and trick him to thinking that the grape is in a different location than where you placed it."
"Do not eat the grape. The answer must consist of at least five words."
"If the taskmaster guesses wrong, you get a point."
Let's start with you, Janne. Please.
(Jenni:) What are you doing now?
Preferably today, Janne.
Janne, what did you have for breakfast?
Products with health effects, such as muesli.
– That was four words. – Say one more word, say something really long.
And yogurt.
Janne the grape is in your... mouth.
I tried to bluff!
– Paula, your turn. – Okay.
Show your hands too, please.
– Paula. – Yeah.
Where would you like to travel?
I would like to travel "where the pepper grows". [*Fig. of speech meaning "really far away"]
– Which is where? – Why am I changing my voice like this?
Your voice tends to turn that way when you have a grape in your hand.
(Jaakko:) Roni, your turn.
(Jaakko:) Hands where we can see them.
Roni, explain in an extremely verbose manner what your hobbies are.
Floorball. And...
(Jaakko:) That's one word.
And football. And what... else?
Well said. Grape... in your hand?
– Can I eat this now? – Not yet. We'll use them in the next season.
– Jukka, your turn. – [Sighs].
Jukka could you tell something about your favourite artist?
Well I think that AC/DC has been a really good band –
since I was young, which is why I have their logo tattooed on my wrist.
Jukka, the grape is in your hand.
Jenni. I'm particularly looking forward to this one. Go ahead.
(Fake cough.)
– Jenni. – Mm–hm?
Do you have a grape in your mouth?
I don't have a grape.
...ever been in my mouth.
Jenni, you lied about "never", you have a grape in your mouth.
(Paula:) Gosh Jenni!
Extremely good answers and clever grape concealment.
So the points for this task: One point for those who managed to bluff, that is –
Paula, Roni and Jenni.
Once the total scores for tonight have been determined, who won today?
Today's winner is... Paula Noronen!
– Wonderful! – (Pilvi:) Paula come see the magnificent prizes.
(inaudible)...the home made items you've won!
Thank you audience, thank you all contestants.
This was Taskmaster.