It's taking confusingly long.
Ah, I'll still have to come up with an ending.
(Laughter.)
I have no idea what I'm doing now.
Good evening. I'm Jaakko Saariluoma, and this is Taskmaster.
Tonight we'll be ranking entertainers by their mastery, by making them carry out knotty tasks —
and by rejoicing with them, as they trade off their dignity in exchange for some precious points.
Our regular contestants are Kiti Kokkonen, — [*Actress, voice actor, writer]
Aku Hirviniemi, — [*Stage, screen, and sketch actor]
Minka Kuustonen — [*Stage and screen actress]
and Miika Nousiainen. [*Novelist, journalist, screenwriter] — Hello.
And tonight, competing with them is TV's best seasoned porilainen* — [*Means someone from Pori (city), but it's also a local street food]
the comedian Joonas Nordman. [*Means someone from Pori (city), but it's also a local street food]
And here next to me is the programme's official judge, Pilvi Hämäläinen.
Pilvi, what do you think of tonight's lineup?
Umm, diverse, athletic, —
sharp, genius, progressive.
That's about the tasks. What about the contestants? — They're OK too.
Thank you Pilvi. To begin, let's find out what we'll competing for tonight, what the prize is, and —
as we do, the first round of points is up for grabs. Pilvi, would you just remind us of what this is about?
The prizes come from our contestants' very own home archives.
And this time, what you asked them to bring in was... The most thought-provoking object.
Well, shall we start from Aku then?
Aku, what did you bring? — I brought the most thought-provoking object.
Which is... Which I just found from my garage.
(Jaakko:) Aku, may I ask, what is this? — (Aku:) I don't know.
(Jaakko:) What do you do with it? — I have no idea.
Surely it must have some name, what do you call it? — I, I do not know.
So I asked you to bring the most thought-provoking object.
Well... Is it not? That's three questions already. Provokes thoughts.
Thank you, Aku. — Thank you.
It's a great looking object.
— Minka. — Yes. — So what did you bring?
Um, I brought a statue.
A statue? — Ah. — Yeah.
And... I mean, it's on wheels.
So what I'm the most confused about is, why does it have wheels?
Thank you, Minka.
Kiti, what did you bring?
I brought a flamingo candle. — (Jaakko:) A flamingo candle? — Yup.
Uh, would you like to explain this choice a little bit?
Well, I think there's several confusing things about it.
The first thing that comes to mind is, why would anyone want to burn a bird? I mean, I think it's a horrific image.
And then why is the um, the candle wick placed the way it is?
I mean there's no way that could possibly work, like the neck was probably going to melt first, followed by its head falling off.
Or, it would like, melt from the backside and fall- so I mean this is just really confusing.
And why, why? — Thank you, Kiti. — Thank you.
Joonas, what did you bring?
I brought a piece of textile craft by the musician and artist Tiina "Toni" Lähteenmäki.
Ah, we can see it now. — It's a rug...
— Ehh... — Oh... (Laughter.)
...I mean, on which you're supposed to step on. And, and so um, there's this kind of um, hole in the middle. — Right.
Have you used this rug?
I have.
On the floor. — Let's not explore that in any more... detail. Thank you Joonas.
(Aku:) Cool rug. — (Kiti:) Beautiful. I think it's beautiful.
And next, Miika, the most thought-provoking object. What did you bring?
I brought a book, I brought Meiju Suvas's* autobiography "With Heart". [*Schlager singer, mostly 80s-90s]
Because to me — to quote Tapio Rautavaara* — [*Singer, easy listening, 50s to 70s]
it's like a bible, a prayer book, as well as an almanac.
So there's a chapter, Meiju solves the mystery of the pyramids.
[SECRET OF THE PYRAMIDS] In a way, she's like, solved how the pyramids were made and —
I think it's sad for the rest of the humanity, that we needed Meiju Suvas to solve it. [Title: Meiju's view of the building of the pyramids of Egypt.]
It's got Meiju's view of the building of the pyramids of Egypt. [Title: Meiju's view of the building of the pyramids of Egypt.]
Thank you, Miika. Thanks for this. — Yeah no prob.
Now, it's the time to score these objects —
and the scores are as follows:
Five points to Miika. — No way.
Four points to Aku. — Thank you.
Joonas three. This provoked thoughts but this also provoked questions.
Two to Kiti, and one point to Minka.
And tonight's winner gets to keep these great thought-provoking objects.
And now we'll go to the mansion to see how they managed with the first task.
Right.
"Put these trousers on correctly."
"You may not touch the trousers with your hands."
"Fastest wins."
"Time starts now."
So the objective was to put the trousers on —
as quickly as possible, without using hands.
So we're in the very core of TV entertainment. — Indeed.
Who's first? — Let's start with the trio Joonas, Miika and Kiti.
No...
This is a classic, like, evening pastime that writers do.
Tolstoi and Dostojevski were already doing this.
Damn I wish I were flexible enough to reach over there, you know, and grab that in the mouth.
I'll just have to get...
(Pilvi, like encouraging a toddler:) Doing great.
I was just about to use my hands again. Wait a minute...
But I can take that shoe, can't I.
I mean I can't do it like this- wow, I really am so stupid.
(Anguished groaning.)
I'm gonna die from embarrassment when this airs.
The whole family is going to be ashamed. (Kiti laughing.)
Seriously.
I won't be able to get work from anywhere.
Goodness, it's such a slow process, this.
Ow, my back hurts now. My back's cramping.
There. Are they on now?
There. — Time.
Aren't they? — There.
I'm gonna take sick leave after this! Disability pension!
Oh...
Oh my... Oh no.
I already got the feeling that something about that should've been censored —
but I just couldn't pinpoint what exactly. — Right!
— Everything. — Yeah! — Pilvi, what were the results?
With this classic writers' pastime, Miika spent —
3 minutes and 50 seconds. — Surprisingly quick.
(Kiti:) Really quick. — Good, what about Joonas?
Joonas, along with back cramps, managed to also get the trousers on in —
3 minutes and 14 seconds. — (Kiti:) Oh wow!
Joonas, how young and agile did you feel during that task?
Well, while doing it, not at all, but now that I saw this video, every time it got back to Miika —
I thought, could somebody please just assist that poor old man so he can get his trousers on!
'Cause on top of everything, he'd also fallen onto the floor for some reason.
I mean, that wasn't even a competition entry —
but it was like, a critical piece of installation art on the state of elderly care services.
Really great of you to speak up, Miika. — Indeed.
What about Kiti? — Well um, with Kiti, for duration reasons we had to split her performance to several parts.
So if it's alright with you, we'll come back to the result once Kiti has managed to put the trousers on.
Okay.
That's what we'll do. At this point, we'll go for a little break —
and continue pulling the trousers on after that. See you soon.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
Before the break, we saw how some of the contestants tried to get a pair of trousers on without using their hands —
and we're yet to see some of the attempts. Pilvi?
Right. Next, let's see how Aku and Minka managed, —
and of course, Kiti's battle continues as well.
Am I allowed to move that desk?
Stop moving behind me all the time!
These underpants could be dirty.
Then, you know...
Something completely awful...
(Kiti laughing too much to speak.)
(Kiti just dying of laughter.)
There's absolutely no problem here, Pilvi. All is well.
I'm gonna have to try it from the front.
Hey! Wohoo!
Is it going up? — (Pilvi:) It's going up, up, up.
Now the wheel came off.
(Groaning.)
(Aku yelps.)
— I mean I think they're appropriately on now. — Yeah. — This is how the youth wear them, isn't it.
Time!
Done. — Time.
Skillful. — Thank you.
Everyone, everyone got the trousers on in the end. Pilvi, what were the results?
Aku managed to get the trousers on in 2 minutes and 30 seconds.
Aku, to you, the same tip as to Miika:
whenever you're off to film some TV entertainment, wear clean underwear.
Yeah, that's... — Or in general.
That's something that I've learned during this production.
And then, how was Minka? — Well, Minka was quite fast actually.
One minute and two seconds. — (Kiti:) No way!
What? — Minka...
Minka, I won't ask you if you've practiced that, because you clearly have practiced that, but I'll ask —
why have you practiced that? — I know. That's what I wonder too.
But you don't want to elaborate now? — I like to get into small positions.
What, could you define what is a so-called small position as compared to a big position?
I mean it is like...
It is like, bendy, isn't it.
(Laughter.)
Aaaand?
Thank you. — The boys are keen.
And, Kiti. — Yeah? — Kiti too did get the trousers on eventually.
In 14 minutes and 39 seconds.
Kiti, would you like to share a word or two with the people —
who went through this eventful journey with you?
Well I mean, I value doing things with like, piety. So not by like, just rushing through things but —
one step at a time, making progress carefully.
Indeed. It's a guarantee of quality. — It is, exactly.
Is it so, Pilvi? — Yeah um, this wasn't quite the whole truth about this task.
— Oh? — No way.
It might be easier to talk about this matter once we've watched the following clip.
N-! (Buzzer.)
Look, that was just Maradona, the hand of God.
(Buzzer.) Hand didn't touch.
(Slowed down:) Hand didn't touch.
(Buzzer.) Did that count?
(Slowed down:) Did that count?
(Buzzer.) Oh but I can't touch with my hands. [*Finnish word for hand can either refer to palm+fingers, or the entire (human) forelimb.]
I mean, does this count as my hand? [*Finnish word for hand can either refer to palm+fingers, or the entire (human) forelimb.]
Dear friends, I must say that I'm slightly disappointed with your performances.
Aku, Minka, Miika, and Joonas, who doesn't even know what a hand is.
(Pilvi:) Indeed. — How did this change things?
The only one to put the trousers on without using hands was Kiti.
This is exactly what I mean.
So Kiti, you get full five points.
And zero points to all the others. — (Joonas:) But I mean...
(Jaakko:) Joonas.
— But I mean, what about, the video also revealed that Pilvi helped Kiti. — But that wasn't forbidden.
Well in that case here comes the the next question that I was wondering about, —
Could I have just asked Pilvi, "put these trousers on me?"
You could've, and this is called wisdom after the events.
Well that's why we're sitting here. — Like at an after-sitting.* [*=Literal translation of Finnish word meaning after-school detention]
Good, let's get to the mansion to check out the next task. [*=Literal translation of Finnish word meaning after-school detention]
How's everything? — Very good. What about you?
Seven minus, again. Which means good.
"Write the most entertaining 10 word story —
before reaching the finish line of a 100-metre running track.
"You have to run while you're writing."
"The fastest one to cross the finish line with the appropriate story, wins."
"Time starts... now."
Okay so I didn't understand any of that.
So the objective was to write a story that's 10 words long —
while doing a 100 meter run.
So besides measuring their running speed, their capability to create the most high quality story was also being evaluated.
Excellent. Who's first?
First, let's see what kind of stories Aku, Kiti and Minka managed to come up with. — The best. The best ones first.
"Write the most entertaining 10 word story before reaching —
the 100-metre... running track..."
Once upon...
A 10 word story.
And one that's as entertaining as possible. — Yes. — Right. Okay.
(Kiti laughs.) I can't do this!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...
I'm halfway there, the twist is missing. I'll slow down a bit.
How? Like this. — And that's the time.
(Aku muttering.)
...more than anything.
Time.
...and...
Do I run through it? Do I run through it? — Time.
Those probably weren't quite in the Usain Bolt range. What was the end result, Pilvi?
The weakest result out of the three was ran by Minka, whose time was 1 minute and 10 seconds.
And the outcome was this:
"As a person I'm Pilvi Hämäläinen —
and I love Jaakko Saariluoma more than anything."
(Laughter.) (Kiti:) That's great!
Thank you, Pilvi. Could you read Minka's story now? (Laughter.)
So this was Minka's story and I mean it does at least superficially fit the criteria —
so it was indeed 10 words long. — What about Aku?
Aku managed to run 100 meteres a bit faster than Minka —
as his running time was 1 minute and 8 seconds.
But I suppose this final spurt backfired, because Aku's story only consisted of 9 words.
Owww... — This was the story:
"Once upon a time there was a (Christmas) elf* [*Also: slang for "fool"] who unfortunately was completely giftless."
Well, but that story is a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy because...
A giftless elf/fool, there's only nine words.
Was that how you meant it, Aku? — This was so-called autofiction.
So um... I was playing the game on a slightly higher level.
So the story, like, materialised itself. — Thank you Aku. What about Kiti?
Kiti was the first runner to not reach the one minute mark.
Her time was 58 seconds, and this is how the story went:
"Once upon a time there was a runner who was in a really bad shape —
who wrote this stupid story."
Kiti, excellent, thank you. Um, were you feeling so anxious about not meeting this magical one minute phantom limit —
that it affected the content somehow?
No, I think you can see it here that I have written a few books after all, a few tragicomedies —
so this is just like a sort of, digest of an all evening 2-hour play with an intermission.
Is this a tragedy or a comedy? — This is, I specifically like tragicomedies, so this is both.
— So the beginning is tragedy and the end is comedy? — Yeah. — Thank you Kiti. — Thank you.
We still have a few stories left but won't we just pop for a little break now? — Won't we just.
Let's go for a break and hear some more stories.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
Before the break, we already heard a few 10-word stories —
that were written while doing a 100-meter run. There's still two stories left.
Who's next? — We're yet to see the performances of Miika and Joonas, so let's go and see how they ran.
"Time starts now."
And there's the finish line.
There.
Eh... Right. — Did you cross the finish line now?
Oh right, fuck. Well there we go. Yeah. — Time.
Thank you gentlemen. Here we can clearly observe how, to artists, this sort of red ribbon between two poles is much more familiar from night life.
Because Miika went under it out of habit, while Joonas clearly stopped to wait for the bouncer's permission.
Indeed. — What were the results?
We checked Joonas' run from the finish line cameras —
and Joonas crossed the finish line as he came to contact with the ribbon.
Which happened after 52 seconds.
— Quick. — You were faster. — Don't know yet, I did take my time in the end.
Joonas' story had 10 words, and this is how it goes:
"I went to the loo, and the toilet got clogged. Oh my, sorry Pilvi."
You watch and learn now.
Joonas, would you say that the best stories are based on real life?
Yes, pretty much so.
Thanks, Joonas. Pilvi, what was Miika's result?
Miika managed to dive underneath the finish ribbon after 41 seconds.
And Miika's story goes like this:
"You left, that's fine,"
"meatloaf is in the fridge, you cow."
Miika, those are some hefty words.
Yeah, I am in the business.
Pilvi, did this go precisely according to the rules?
Right. I mean this was a really great story, but it did have the tiny weak point that —
it only had 9 words. — No it doesn't, it's got 10! I mean...
"Meatloaf is in the fr, dash, idge."* [*He's splitting the word meaning "in the fridge" in the middle and the second part ends up meaning "piss".]
"You cow." [*He's splitting the word meaning "in the fridge" in the middle and the second part ends up meaning "piss".]
It's not my fault if I'm the one who uses like, the most spread out literary expression.
If the others don't use dashes, does it mean that I shouldn't either?
Right. So the others paint with brushes, while you paint with a roller? — Yeah exactly. Anything goes, I mean do what you gotta do —
to me, art is self-explanatory so I won't start... embarrassing (myself/you?) over this.
— Maybe this is gonna be understood after your death. — It surely will be.
The points for this go as follows:
Five points to Joonas.
Four points to Kiti, three points to Minka, and Miika and Aku get one point each.
(Miika:) Phew, we got *a* point. — (Aku:) A pity point.
How's the scoreboard at the moment? — At the moment, the one in the lead is Kiti.
Kiti, we're all surprised. — Indeed. I in particular.
Professor Kokkonen is in the lead. — Indeed.
And next, let's go to the mansion and check out the next task.
Oh no, sports.
"Make a basket. You may not touch the basketball with your hands —
or with anything that you're operating with your hands."
"The fastest one to make a basket wins."
"Time starts... now."
So we got to continue with a familiar theme that was already established to be a great one —
and the objective was to make a basket as quickly as possible —
without using hands.
Besides not using their hands, the contestants also weren't allowed to touch the basketball with anything that they would operate with their hands.
So, no hands in any form. — Not in any form.
Who's first?
First, let's see how artist Hirviniemi approached this task.
The best, exclusively first.
Because, you're not allowed to touch with your hands, but there was nothing about feet or mouth.
I do have a background in Riihimäki Kolmoskori*. [*Youth basketball team]
No hands.
There's absolutely no problem here.
There's absolutely no problem here, Pilvi.
Knowing my fellow contestants —
I'm sure no one has come up with anything as smart as this.
Okay this isn't a good idea.
Pilvi, you know why I'm doing this? — Well, why are you doing that?
We're not gonna need this rope anymore.
So, Pilvi, after several miscalculations, Aku decided that the rope wasn't needed anymore.
Yes. But if it's alright with you, should we watch some of the other contestants' attempts and —
come back to Aku a bit later? — Sure, this is actually a very familiar pattern to us isn't it.
So, next, let's watch what Minka, Joonas and Kiti did.
Hopefully this doesn't break now, but...
Okay.
I'll just do like this...
Maybe I should be closer. Oh f... This isn't gonna...
(Minka laughs.)
No. (Kiti yelps.)
Now. This is gonna work out, I can feel it.
No. Ha ha!
I have no idea what I'm doing now.
But in a way it does go through the hoop if you put it through.
There. Yesss.
(Kiti:) Place it here...
Okay now. Calming down.
There. — Time.
(Kiti whoops of delight.) Time.
— Right on. — Great minds think alike. — Yes.
I couldn't say it any better. A great realisation from everybody. And one that turned out to occur to you quite soon, —
however, it did take a long time to get the ball in.
Do any of you have any history with ball games?
— No. — Oh you're asking if I've ever played basketball? Is that what you're asking from me? — And me.
That too. Pilvi, what were the results?
Minka managed to kick the ball through the hoop in 5 minutes and 46 seconds.
Kiti pushed it a bit further and did it in 5 minutes and 31 seconds.
And Joonas, he made it in 2 minutes and 57 seconds.
— (inaudible) ...quickly, the tipping over. — Yeah I mean, quickly a man came up with... Ah never mind, let's just move on.
So empty. What's next? — Right, there's no way, there's nothing left now. [*Vague conversation; lack of specific refs]
I bet everyone's still very curious about how Aku is doing with the gripping basketball bumbling. — Yes.
Let's see it.
Everything's okay, Pilvi.
Are you ready, Pilvi? — I am.
I think you're gonna be surprised.
Were you surprised, Pilvi? — I was.
I mean, by the enthusiasm with which Aku — after that failure too — just immediately went off to fetch more stuff for the tricks.
But Pilvi, so I assume that um, Aku's basketball adventures are still gonna go on? — Yes indeed.
Let's go for a break, and watch more of them. And we still haven't seen Miika's performance. See you soon.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
Before the break, we saw how the contestants put a basketball through the hoop —
without using their hands in any form.
We're yet to see the resolution to Aku's story, and Miika's performance.
And I'm sure everyone's very excited to know how Aku's basketball saga ends, —
but first, let's see what Miika came up with. — Okay.
"The fastest one to make a basket wins. Time starts now."
Oh... How did it just miss.
There.
Ah damn, lost it... It's confusing that it's taking this long.
That's quite close already.
Hit me in the nose, but that wasn't forbidden.
No.
Via the backboard. No.
Time. — Wow!
Thank you. — Miika.
This somehow looked the kind of moment that you've been preparing and waiting for for your whole life.
This was that kind of moment, if mom wondered like, "why do you spend all your days kicking and throwing those balls", —
well, she'll wonder no more. — Exactly.
What was the result? — Miika completed the task in...
50 seconds.
— No way. — Impressive. — It's alright.
Aku, didn't it look quite easy just there? — It was impressive, truly. — It was.
Well then, won't we go and see how Aku's story ended?
Well, we will.
Back to square one!
There! A-ha!
Everything's under control.
Now the ball has been moved into a bag by using feet.
Without using hands.
No hands.
YEAAAAAH! YES!
Aku, so we finally got the ball into the basket.
And I'm sure this reflected the feeling you got. — I was just a bit moved, so...
And I still am. The moral winner.
— What was Aku's result?
Actually, there's this one video clip that we should watch now.
— Oh no, I fear for the worst. — What is it?
Moral winner, be quiet now. Let's see.
Doesn't count. (Buzzer.)
(Slowed down:) Doesn't count.
Oh my word. (Women:) Oh nooo! — Aku.
Look, don't show that footage. — Nooo...
Aku. I'm afraid there was a little cockup. — Other than that, it was great. — Other than that...
— All that... All that! — (Minka:) Let's not tease him.
As a group, we demand that Aku doesn't get points subtracted. — Well I don't, but...
But it's an unfortunate situation. Unfortunate, all in all.
Pilvi, tell us what the result is.
Aku. The good news is that in terms of the result, this absolutely didn't matter at all. Because —
Aku's attempt took 23 minutes and 30 seconds.
So in any case, Aku was the last one to finish the task.
For the scores, five points to Miika.
Everyone else according to their ranks, and Aku, one point for relentless trying.
Yes! — Go, Aku!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Pilvi, what's the final task?
In the final task, the contestants get to play detectives.
So here are the suspects.
Joonas, please read the objective aloud.
"From this lineup, spot the person from Turku." [*For some reason, especially people from the capital city area make fun of Turku, a former capital.]
"Every contestant can ask one question from the person of their choice, — [*For some reason, especially people from the capital city area make fun of Turku, a former capital.]
to which they will either answer "yes" or "no".
"You may not ask if they are from Turku."
"Anyone who correctly identifies a person from Turku from this lineup, gets five points."
Dear contestants, have you understood?
Good, let's start with Miika. Who would you like to ask?
Umm, I think I'll ask number... five. — Go on then.
Which one is better, Hannu Virta or Timo Jutila? [*Former ice hockey defensemen, only one is from Turku]
No...
How do you answer "yes" or "no" to that?
Can we just start over?
If you like, we can bring you a basketball, you fucking idiot.
I didn't nod at "have you understood".
Minka, who would you like to ask? — Person number three.
Go on. — Do you live... [in dialect:] on the other side of the river? [*Turku city has a river going through]
(Laughter.) No.
— She said no.
Joonas, who would you like to ask? — I'll ask um, miss number two.
Go on.
I'll ask if um, have you ever been on Föri*? [*Name of ferry running across the river in Turku] — Yes.
Kiti, who would you like to ask? — I'll ask mister number one.
Do you know any Vuorisalmis or the Lukkala family? [*Surnames]
No. — No. Okay.
Aku.
(Laughter.)
The prof's asking! Aku.
From miss number four, I'd like to ask —
is Mantu's snack bar any good? — Yes.
And so everyone's had a chance to ask a question. They have been answered. Now write down the number —
who you suspect to be from Turku.
Right, and let's start with Miika. Miika, who's from Turku?
Number three. — Why?
Well I can't read her, people from Turku are mysterious.
Minka, who's from Turku? — Number four.
— Why? — Because the response to Mantu's snack bar came so effortlessly.
Joonas, who's from Turku?
Number two, because as soon as I heard this thing about Turku, —
I immediately got a feeling that we've met in Turku at some point. And...
(Laughter.) And... Well... Yeah.
Kiti, who's from Turku?
Number one, because I think people from Turku have a positive vibe similar to that of Swedes. [*Due to history, Turku remains largely swedish-speaking]
So they just somehow emanate this kind of Turku spirit.
Aku, who's from Turku? — Miss number four.
And um, I think I may have hit the mother lode here because —
if she weren't from Turku, —
she would've had to think about it for a bit —
but the thing about Mantu's snack bar, and this sort of unhesitating affirmative reply to it did just confirm the case.
The verdicts have been issued. It's time to reveal who's from Turku.
Person from Turku, go ahead and step forward. — (Aku:) Yes!
Yes! — Unbelievable.
I can't believe this! — Thanks to all the suspects.
Now we'll count the scores so we can find out who won. — Everyone else is from Raisio.* [*Smaller town right outside of Turku]
Kiitos. [*Smaller town right outside of Turku]
Thank you, dear contestants. For this task, five points to go to Aku and Minka.
(Minka:) Yeah!
Pilvi, the most important question of all: Who won tonight's battle?
After all the tasks, the person to accumulate the highest score was...
...Kiti. — Kiti, go ahead, go get your prizes. — What? No way.
— I'm gonna get that book! — Thanks to all the contestants, —
thanks to you, dear viewers. This was Taskmaster.