It's all good.
How was your childhood?
Guaranteed victory! Guaranteed!
Been watching this programme, I've thought that I'd be really good at this.
What, what am I missing here?
Good evening. I'm Jaakko Saariluoma.
Welcome to join us, this show is called Taskmaster.
Dear viewers, we've cooked up a delicious platter of tasks —
that our contestants will tackle and either fall short, or exceed themselves.
And I, as the taskmaster, will score their performances —
without asking for anyone's opinion.
Our regular contestants are Minka Kuustonen — [*Stage and screen actress]
Miika Nousiainen — [*Novelist, journalist, screenwriter]
Kiti Kokkonen — [*Actress, voice actor, writer]
Aku Hirviniemi. [*Stage, screen, and sketch actor]
And today, competing with them is the super chef Kape Aihinen! [*TV cookery shows, cook books, restaurants]
And here next to me, on her own little chair —
sits the programme's official judge, Pilvi Hämäläinen.
A very good evening to you.
And um, speaking of sitting...
Did you know that furniture only started becoming more common in the 1500s? — Oh?
And, that's not the end of exciting facts, because:
I mean, the inventory of the Turku [city] castle only starts mentioning chairs —
from 1601 onwards.
– Thank you for this great piece information. — You're welcome.
There. Now, after this unavoidable educational bit, we can —
focus on the brainless entertainment.
— And the chairs came from Kape's restaurant. — Yes indeed.
Indeed, back in Kape's early days, people just stood up for the first 100 years.
To begin, let's disclose what we'll be competing for tonight.
And as we do, the first round of points is up for grabs of course.
Pilvi, could you just remind us a little bit, what's this about?
The prizes come from the contestants' own archives.
And this time, the thing you asked them to bring was...
"The best thing that doesn't work".
Excellent, let's get started, uh... Minka, what did you bring?
I brought um, the "Know When You're Going to Die" spray.
(Minka:) "When and How"! I meant to say.
"Know When You're Going to Die" spray. — Yes.
Right. Kiti. — Right. I actually thought about this for a long time —
I have quite a bit of items at home that don't work.
But um, this is the most useless one because it's been in this state for four years now.
It's a bunny speaker.
(Jaakko:) A bunny speaker. — Yeah. — And it doesn't work? — It doesn't work.
I mean, if you changed the battery, it might work —
but um, at the moment it doesn't work.
(Aku:) But it's a functioning one. — (Kiti:) Yeah, it does function.
But right now it's a non-functional one because the battery is old.
Thanks. Aku, what did you bring?
Well, I did some calculating —
that um, my dear friend Kiti and I have —
a dear hobby that we both share, which is raking.
In the springtime, and in the autumn too.
And um, what I brought is, I mean there's no better or more ingenious invention than a steel rake, right?
Do you agree? — Um, no.
Well this took off well.
— But, anyway... — Yeah. — I brought a steel rake.
So it's an extremely good rake, but it's yet another defunct item —
because the handle is broken.
And um, now if — of course I hope to be the one to win the episode and these amazing prizes, but —
if I don't, then I hope that the rake finds its way to your home —
because you enjoy raking, and... — Yeah and because it's just the right length. — Exactly!
Ha ha ha!
So, Aku...
So if we imagine Kiti using it, then you actually ended up bringing a rather functional object, didn't you.
Yes, exactly. Yeah I did.
And next, Kape's turn. What did you bring?
Right. What I brought, first of all it has such an awfully long and difficult name —
that I couldn't and wouldn't dare to even use it, so um...
It's been in the drawer for ages, so um...
It's a Hasselback potato stand/slicer/cutter.
(Kape:) So it's not a louse comb with a stand, —
but instead, you're supposed to be able to slice potatoes with that somehow.
(Jaakko:) So it's used for cutting potatoes? — Yeah. Hasselback potatoes —
somehow you fix the potato to the stand, stick that louse comb on it —
and then with a knife, you start slicing in the gaps, which makes it a beautiful Hasselback potato that you bake in the oven, but...
Unbelievable. Just can't.
So in order to cut the potato, you're going to need a knife anyway?
You're gonna need a knife anyway, the potato goes in there, and...
Good. Thanks. Miika, the best thing that doesn't work.
I also have a kitchen tool. So um, I got it from Jenni Pääskysaari.* [*An author writing and hosting a show that Miika is a regular panelist on.]
And I mean it's just the lousiest thing ever, — [*An author writing and hosting a show that Miika is a regular panelist on.]
it's like, this magnetic label that you stick on the dishwasher, and it says "clean / dirty".
And it's been nothing but confusing because my wife and I never remember to turn the thing around.
I mean it's doubled the amount that we spend wondering which dishes are in there each time.
"It looks like they're clean, but it says 'dirty' on the label."
I mean it hasn't been of any use at all, these days we'd rather just smash the plates than use that.
Thanks, Miika.
And now they'd have to be scored.
Five points to Minka. — Yes!
Four points to Miika, and three points to everyone else.
Thanks.
And tonight's winner gets to take all these items home.
The winner of the whole season, the contestant to accumulate the highest score —
gets this golden dream, the Taskmaster statue.
And now the game is already on —
so let's go to the mansion and check out the first task.
— Hi. — Afternoon, good afternoon.
You can put on this safety gear first.
Are we gonna hop into a camper van, just you and me, and drive off to the desert to do some cooking?
— Yes. — Great.
"Eat as much watermelon as you can. You have 100 seconds."
Well what do you need all this safety gear for?
"Time starts... now."
So the objective was to eat as much watermelon as they could.
They were given 100 seconds to do that, and free rein with the technique.
Wonderful. Who's first?
First, let's see how greedily Kiti and Miika started eating the watermelon.
My goodness.
"Time starts now."
There. I wonder what kind of...
I have to slice it into some kind of elegant portions, like this.
Oh, first you cut, then you eat.
(Pilvi:) Wow, look at the speed. — What?
(Kiti:) I can't hear.
Starting to feel a bit sick.
30 seconds.
I do love watermelon though.
Time's up.
(Mouth full of watermelon:) Ers hahing in ay outh.
Sorry, can you repeat that? — Ers hahing in ay outh.
Time.
That did look quite dispassionate though.
(Jaakko:) Pilvi, what were the results?
Kiti managed to eat 132 grams of watermelon —
and Miika ate 243 grams. — A bit more.
But I'm sure we can reduce the 33 grams from Miika's result —
that he still had in his mouth there...
(Muffled:) Er uas hahing in ay outh.
Um, Miika, as I was watching your performance, —
it seemed like most of your energy was spent on slicing it.
Yeah, I was doing too much slicing. I was an optimist.
Should you have rather focused on the eating? — Well yeah, I mean...
Yeah, I was clearly slicing it to an excess, but —
there was enough left to eat for the crew and all the people in the mansion.
Because if you had focused on the eating, we wouldn't have heard the sentence:
(Unclearly:) "Ers hahing in ay outh."
Kiti, you just said there that you love watermelon.
And immediately after, you said that um, "I'm starting to feel a bit sick."
(Jaakko:) So what happened there?
I mean I don't understand the sort of, cramming business, like...
I think you have to take it slow and enjoy, in a way what bugs me is —
that you'd have to like, eat quickly.
And sure, one might think that because I'm big, I must be someone who eats like this —
but that's not true at all.
I just eat, I like to eat smallish, bite-sized bits of food.
But the whole point of the task kind of was to eat quickly. — I know, but —
I just can't do it. My mouth is so small!
Oh well. Oh my word. Thanks for these performances.
Now, let's digest these for a bit and go for a break. After that, we'll see more watermelon stuff.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
Before the break, we saw —
how Kiti and Miika sunk their teeth into some watermelon.
Pilvi, whose performances are we gonna see next?
We haven't seen the performances of Aku, Minka and Kape yet, so —
let's watch them all in one go.
"Time starts... now."
What a satisfyingly sharp knife.
Can I leave the zipper open? — Time starts...
You mean like this?
So can I leave it open or not? I don't know this stuff, you know!
[unclear]
(Pilvi:) 30 seconds.
For a chef, you're a surprisingly slow eater.
Five.
Time's up.
(Mumbles with a full mouth.)
Were those two whole ones placed there just as a decoy?
Aku...
The answer, if I correctly made out the words in your final question —
which sounded just a little bit like Estonian language, —
the answer is no, the bits in your mouth don't count towards the result.
Pilvi, what are the results?
We're going to subtract the 20 grams that Kape and Minka each had in their mouths in the end.
(Pilvi:) And from Aku, we're going to have to subtract a whole 65 grams.
After these reductions, Aku managed to eat 310 grams of watermelon —
Minka ate 404 grams —
and Kape ate a whopping 560 grams.
A chef is a chef.
Kape, at first it looked like you were about to turn it into a sorbet or something, —
but then, an amazing performance. Do you have any tips, anything that the others didn't take into account?
Well, my secret weapon probably was the fact that I started by skinning the whole thing, and then I could just eat —
so the rind just slows you down, and...
Maybe I reaped the largest number of grams —
because I had a clean and honest result in terms of what I ate, so um...
You answered like a skier, "clean, honest result."* [*Competitive skiing is infamous for doping scandals]
This was great. Full five points to Kape. — (Miika:) Good for you!
And everyone else's points, according to the rankings.
Pilvi, how are the total scores at the moment? Who's in the lead?
Right now, the one in the lead is...
...Minka. — Yes!
But hey, the competition continues. There's still plenty of points to be had.
Let's get straight to the mansion and see what happened there.
Hey, it's Hämäläinen again! Same thing every time.
I'd like a new referee. Well, anyway...
"Create a domino effect. Or in other words, a chain reaction."
"The best domino effect wins."
"You have 15 minutes"
"and the time starts now."
So the objective was to create the best domino effect, i.e a chain reaction.
The technique and the tools were up to them to decide.
I can barely wait now. Who's first?
The first ones to demonstrate their domino effects are Kape, Minka and Kiti.
The best domino effect, so it doesn't say anything about how how long it has to be, as long as it's just the best one.
Domino effect...
How do you define 'the best'? — That's the thing. — Uh-huh.
Let's get these books...
These won't fall over very easily, will they.
I've seen those videos where um, people have made those things.
Okay here we go.
— Do you think that was a chain reaction? — Well, things happened there. — Well, there...
Moving on to plan B!
How am I supposed to get all these to stand upright though?
What, what am I missing now?
(Pilvi, like encouraging to child:) There you go.
— So this is going to be even better than the previous one? — No, I think this has just turned out worse.
I just thought, like... but this doesn't make any sense does it.
It's a total flop! This was a... total flop.
I should've just used planks. I should've done this out of firewood and planks and stuff like that.
Was that a domino effect?
It's on now, referee.
— Wow! — That was solid.
When I've been watching this programme, I've thought that I'd be really good at this.
— Yay! — That's quite impressive.
Seriously! And doesn't the fact that they were all such different objects make it more impressive?
— One, two, three... — Five.
(Pilvi:) Time's up.
— Kiti. — Yeah. — Kiti, as I watched your performance, it reminded me of, like —
the combination platter of three little dishes that you get served in Chinese restaurants.
So was that what you were going for? — No.
Could you... By the way, do you mind that I call you professor? — Not at all.
Could the professor just elaborate in a bit more detail? — The professor minds.
Well surely it's impressive, would've been impressive, —
that utterly nonsensical and odd-sized objects —
would've like, caused a domino effect.
Yeah. But that's not what happened. — No, it did't.
(Kiti:) Yeah, well anyway, I can't explain it any better. — What about Minka?
Minka, in the end it seemed like you were just jostling various objects. — Yeah.
Just hoping for something to happen.
Did you just think that the domino effect would, like, come to you?
Yeah, I thought that at least something would work. But... Turns out that every strategy was just shittier than the previous one.
(Jaakko:) Well... Your beautiful words there.
Kape, you said at some point there that you might not quite get what this task is about —
so do you still think that way?
— Well, in the end it went pretty well, if I look at these other contestants. — The tools were minimal, but...
The tools were minimal, but it was quite alright. The outcome.
— Kape, it was the only true domino effect. — Was it?
— So far. — (Jaakko:) Out of these three.
We still have um, we still haven't seen how Miika and Aku did.
— Yes indeed. — (Jaakko:) I'm excited to see what happens.
And I can wait, because now we'll go watch some adverts, and then we'll continue.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
Before the break, we saw how the contestants tried to cause domino effects.
The rate of success varied.
We're yet to see the attempts of Miika and Aku.
(Pilvi:) And we'll see them in one go. Which is right now.
So this could be, like, mental too.
I think I'll probably go for the physical objects approach after all.
And they should now, like...
Well, you know, the kind of insane domino effect —
where in the end, the government collapses but I'm still standing.
D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r. Erm...
You have five minutes. — Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
You know, I think it doesn't even matter what's being knocked over, as long as the start is impressive.
All this stuff I picked is actually really lame.
It's the same thing as with the benches.
(Aku:) Okay.
(Aku rejoices.)
Domino! Ahh!
I know the principle of the domino thingy, everything affecting everything and all that —
but everything does affect everything (anyway).
First, the invisible stairs.
Then um, the visible stairs.
Then, wheelbarrowing right at that!
A guaranteed victory! Guaranteed!
And now that I look at this, we'll really have to blur those oat milk ones, no one drinks that stuff.
How was your um, childhood?
— It was OK. — Should you talk to a professional about it?
Rather than to me. You're so phlegmatic somehow.
If I could make you go um, to therapy or at least to grab a coffee now, —
it would be just inspiring, like, an even more impressive domino effect than this one.
Pilvi, before we start unpacking these tasks, one question: —
did Miika trigger the kind of domino effect in you that he was talking about?
Um, I actually did restart my therapy sessions quite soon after that —
but it didn't have anything to do with Miika, just my own insanity.
Miika, um, I have to say, your performance looked like —
you know when the kids are playing outside and then someone's dad comes and says:
"Hey, you guys wanna see a cool parkour trick?"
Yeah, adult parkour is such an underrated sport.
But what do you personally think now that you saw this masterpiece of yours...?
Well I am proud, really. The others didn't have invisible and visible stairs.
(Jaakko:) The the others did have visible results.
Aku, you had some proper sense of triumph there in the end.
Were you yourself surprised to witness it play out like that?
I was a bit surprised, because like —
there could've always been the possibility that it ends into this kind of, anticlimax were one carton falls over like this, but —
that didn't happen, and I was genuinely very like, delighted and um...
I think my performance was amazing. — It was.
Aku, it was so much so that you'll get full 5 points for it.
— Yes! — It was beautiful. — Thank you.
And four points to Miika, three to Kape, two to Minka —
and Kiti, professori, unfortunately just one point. — Yeah, I can take it.
Pilvi, will you tell us how the total scores are at the moment?
At the moment in the lead we have Minka, Aku, and Kape.
(Miika:) Dead heat.
(Jaakko:) Even, really even it is.
And that's why we'll go right back to the mansion and sort this out.
— Good afternoon. — Afternoon. — Hello.
"On the skateboard, transport as many coconuts down the track as possible."
"You have one attempt."
"The coconuts may not touch the track."
"You can use items from the shed, —
but you'll be disqualified if you use the same item... as someone else."
"The most successful attempt wins."
"You have 15 minutes. Time starts now."
So the objective was to transport the largest number of coconuts —
down the track, using the provided skateboard.
They were allowed to use the items in the shed —
but not the same item as someone else —
because that would lead to instant disqualification.
They only had one attempt. — Great stuff. So...
Who's first? — Let's see how Miika and Kiti did.
(Miika:) How do I get the feeling that this didn't go well.
Would a nail and a hammer be the most obvious pick then?
Now I'll have to use my head, so I won't pick, like, the thing that someone would pick first.
Nor the second, the third, the fourth...
The least likely item to be picked would be this, the biggest one.
If I were to just get lucky and no one else chose this...
And then um...
I reckoned there's a risk of someone taking that rope, but no one's going to take these shoelaces.
Of course, if I could just pack them up and ride the skateboard myself, but I wouldn't make it alive so I can't.
I'm absolutely sure that no one is going to pick an object of this size —
because basically this is just absurd.
There's a small risk of someone picking this bag, but —
if I put it right back to the same place...
Is there a thing with skateboards, something like, which way around you're supposed to ride it?
Youngsters go both ways.
— So you have just one attempt. — Yes.
And this is the one. And I'll already say that this is going to be like...
...A home run.
So if there's anyone else besides me who gets them all through —
then the fastest one is the winner.
It's just about straight. Alright then.
— You still have 10 minutes left.
— Yeah but we're taking off now, it's such a great strategy that um, I won't go changing it now. — Fine.
Well that's about it then.
— How successful was this performance...
...from zero to five? — Oh!
Well look at that. How did it end up there?
Pilvi, do you have any analyses on these performances?
Well at this point I could just share some results, so...
Kiti and Miika...
both managed to load all the coconuts on top of the skateboard —
but for both, the performances headed literally to the walls.
However, Miika used this almost undetectable foot trick —
and caused the skateboard to creep all the way to the finish line, so, what do we think about this?
Right. Of course, as a friend of soccer myself, —
I do appreciate this little, innocent outside kick trick of yours. — Thank you, thank you.
Yes, but everyone had just one attempt and that practically counts as two, so um...
We can't really accept it, can we. — A matter or interpretation.
Yeah and in this case it actually doesn't even matter –
because neither one you took a single coconut all the way to the finish.
But I mean you know, it's a little bit of a human factor too, —
if Kiti or I did skateboard, then surely that would get the attention of both, —
human rights organizations, as well as insurance companies. — Exactly!
Yeah. We'll digest this information for a bit, and go for a little break.
After it, more skateboarding.
Welcome back, this is Taskmaster.
Before the break, we saw how Miika and Kiti —
tried to transport coconuts on a skateboard to the end of a track.
The result for both is nil.
Next, we could go and watch how Aku and Minka approached the challenge.
We know what this means.
I have to be clever. Or, everyone else has been clever.
And then I'd have to be like, really uncomplicated.
It said that you *could* use items, so you don't actually have to use anything from the shed.
So um, it's all good.
So if I dragged them behind me —
they'd be in this wheelbarrow.
I wonder if...
What if I jammed this... If it sinks in.
Are they gonna fit...
Wait...
Well this one's a nut, but not a coconut.
In a way I'm taking two risks here, because they're not all going to fit in here. Oops.
Reminds me of um...
...I'd better not say. Just a trip/gig.
A-ha!
Are you sure that no one else has used that?
That kind of was the only thing that was somewhat out of sight.
I definitely want to hear about this one trip/gig of yours.
Your attempt starts now.
Ummm...
— Strong. — Thank you.
Aku, the thing is that the production team is still missing one coconut, so... Did you give them all back?
It was in the toilet bowl the next morning.
Well, let's not get into any more detail then.
Would you like to tell a bit more about this one "trip/gig" that you remembered?
(Jaakko:) So would you like to open up about this trip/gig a little bit, in front of the whole nation?
Or would you rather open up a coconut?
Well I don't know, it's probably, to quote Kristoffer Taxfree*, it was probably one of those: [*Character in a TV sketch character competition; Parodies a Finnish man who goes on constant cruise ship trips to Stockholm or Tallinn to fetch cratefuls of tax free booze]
"Christ, what a trip!" [*Character in a TV sketch character competition; Parodies a Finnish man who goes on constant cruise ship trips to Stockholm or Tallinn to fetch cratefuls of tax free booze]
Excellent. Pilvi.
Yeah, so there was this green bag that Minka found in the shed and used in her performance —
and Miika also used a green bag, didn't he.
However, it wasn't the same bag.
How do we assess this?
— Well it's not the same bag, is it. — It wasn't the same bag. — Right...
Well it actually didn't make any difference, because Minka's journey came to a standstill after every traveled meter.
And um, the result is a solid nil.
And you were guiding it with your feet so why didn't you use them to pilot it all the way down?
I know! I was thinking of the same when I watched that now.
Yeah. What about Aku?
Aku made it to the end of the track with all the nuts in his underpants —
but right in the beginning there was this one full stop —
when Aku corrected the skateboard's orientation, so —
what's our take on that?
Right, since it had to go all the way down in just one attempt —
I would say that the result is a solid nil.
Oh grief. But it as funny, it really was, it was!
(Jaakko): But, look...! (Pilvi:) We still haven't seen Kape's performance.
So I assume that you'd like to see it after all that.
I absolutely do want to see how Kape coped with this.
Jesus christ, am I gonna have to go to the shed then?
Maybe I'll just pop by the shed. Is that okay? — Yes.
(Minka): Well here we go. — Even weight distribution. Clever.
Right on. This on top of the skateboard, and Bob's your uncle. Easy job.
Pretty good, huh?
You have 12 minutes.
12 minutes... Oops!
So you have just one attempt.
Is this where your only attempt starts?
Here it goes. Perfect execution.
Mission accomplished. — Mission accomplished.
Thank you.
(Jaakko:) Very good, Kape!
Kape, how much did it, like, speed up your brain activity —
when it started to rain quite hard and Pilvi was the only one with an umbrella?
Maybe I got the advantage that the track was slippier, the skateboard moved faster, —
it kind of went in a straighter, harder line. Thanks, rain.
Thanks, rain. At any rate, it was a spectacular performance, all the coconuts going all the way down.
— Thank you, thank you. — And that's what we here call a five-point performance.
— It was great. — Thank you.
And to the others, I'll give —
one point for a nice try.
— Thanks. — Thank you, taskmaster.
But the game definitely isn't over yet. It's time for the final task.
Pilvi, what is the final task?
In the final task, the world gets turned upside down.
Kape, please read the task aloud to everybody.
"Write your name and draw a picture of a happy horse, upside down."
"You may not rotate the paper or try to manipulate the drawing direction in any way."
"You have 60 seconds."
"The finest outcome wins."
Excellent. Understood, right? Are you ready? — Yup.
Time starts now.
[*A little primer for what's to come, now that there's a quiet bit: 'Kape' is actually a nickname, the guy's real name being 'Kari'.]
No!
(Jaakko:) Based on his facial expressions, Kape seems to be having a good time.
(Pilvi:) Ten. — (Minka:) No!
(Pilvi:) Time's up! Put away the pens.
Excellent.
Dear contestants, let's see what you've done.
Let's start with the first one. This is Miika's.
There. And, when we turn it upside down...
(Kape:) Pretty good.
It is. I mean, it's...
This horse has been shot with an arrow.
Yeah and it has an Adam's apple.
Or, it's Aku's lost coconut.
And then... Then we've got...
The next one is Kape's. [*Kari, remember?]
IRAQ
Irak, are you sending secret messages somewhere?
— A nuclear programme. — Would you like to continue as Kape or should I call you Irak from now on?
(Jaakko:) Irak Aihinen.
Irak Aihinen...
There's a little smile there.
There's a little smile and I assume that it's a crossbreed, because it has these bird feet, this horse.
I gave my everything.
Indeed. Next, Minka.
There. — (Kiti:) Oh wow! — Aaw, it's so...
It's a dog.
(Aku:) Snoopy, isn't it? — It is.
(Jaakko:) It's like, perhaps a dog with a bit shorter legs.
(Kiti:) Icelandic pony.
Did you reckon that you had so much time that you could just draw something else to the top part?
Yeah, you've got to go easy on the paper, and nature.
Although the corners of the mouth are a bit downward, it's still really happy. — It is.
Then we've got Aku's.
At least...
At least we found out the reason why this horse is so happy.
This, I've got to say, somehow, I'm not at all surprised by this.
That was that, and now there's still Kiti's.
Oh, Kiti has dutifully left her pen here. And here we've got Kiti's.
(Aku:) That's really good. — Oh wow.
It's really happy.
It's a really happy horse, and —
name printed in cursive script, a sort of semi-cursive script, so um —
wow, it's really great. — I know.
Time to score these. — (Miika:) Maiden name Edelfelt.* [*Albert Edelfelt = one of Finland's most acclaimed painters in the golden age]
Yeah, it was. [*Albert Edelfelt = one of Finland's most acclaimed painters in the golden age]
Yet you went for Kokkonen. [*Sounds like a bog-standard peasant name compared to Edelfelt, nobility]
Dear friends, thanks for these great horses.
All of the horses were happy. The points will be given as follows.
Kiti, five points. — Aww. — Oh yeah.
Minka, four. — What?
Miika, three. Kape, two. Or is it Irak? Which one do you prefer? Two...
And one point to Aku.
But Pilvi. Pilvi, a very important question:
Who's won tonight's competition?
After all the tasks, the winner is...
Kape.
(Jaakko:) Kape Aihinen, please go and admire the prizes you've just won.
Thanks Kape, thanks to all the contestants.
Thanks to all you viewers at home.
This was Taskmaster.