I am declaring myself a genius at this point.
This doesn't make any sense!
A brilliant use of time. Or maybe not.
Don't eat them!
Keep it open. Then it will hit it.
A very good evening, and welcome to watching
how five talented entertainment industry professionals will complete
the very least... unusual tasks. [he meant "tasks that are at the very least, unusual"]
We're not doing it again, we're moving on. Because mistakes are possible on TV, too.
I will grade their results, just like they are doing to my intro with their eyes.
I am Jaakko Saariluoma. This is Suurmestari!
Our regular competitors are Eero Ritala,
Pamela Tola,
Pirjo Lonka,
Joonas Nordman,
and today they are getting tough competition from Ville Myllyrinne!
And here sits the official judge of the competition,
the lovely Pilvi Hämäläinen.
Evening.
Pilvi, what do we have in store today?
You won't look at your vacuums the same way after today.
I can hardly wait. But let's first find out
what we're competing for. We'll also hand out the first points.
Pilvi, remind us. What is this all about?
The prizes for the episode are from the contestant's own home collections.
You asked them to bring as a prize their most boring birthday present.
- [Jaakko] What did they bring? - Let's start with Pirjo.
She brought a trash can.
When Pirjo received this present as a child,
the mood was so ruined, you could have thrown it in the trash.
The most boring gift Joonas received is a non-alcoholic wine.
They allegedly said the bottle was brought accidentally, and the real present was left at the gift giver's home.
LOL. Believe what you want.
Eero on the other hand, brought a muscle [maintenance] hammer,
because it is apparently literally dull. [i.e. blunt]
Moving on.
Ville's most boring present is a driver's road map.
The present does convey a big feeling, but I can't quite grasp what.
Last is Pamela, who brought a pink Barbie comb.
Ville, a roadmap doesn't need much explaining, but tell us anyway.
It is of course horrible, because you have to humiliate the person who gave the gift,
who in this case was my dearly departed mother-in-law.
I won't tell a mother-in-law joke, because the sad thing is,
that this was my only 30th birthday present.
- Oh no! - It says something about my winning personality.
But they already had [electronic] navigators back then. There's no use for this thing.
Ever since I was a child, I've hated people who consult maps.
I'd rather drive into the rock-cut [road], than take that thing out.
Oh, dear. This birthday really brought a tear to my eye.
Need to give points for these.
The most boring one is surely Pirjo's trash bin.
- It really is! - [Jaakko] Five points.
The story raised it up. Such an uplifting story. Ville, four points.
Thank you.
Pamela, three points.
And Eero and Joonas, you each get two points.
I'm just wondering, when I look at you,
why did he bring a muscle hammer?
Right?
The person with the most points at the end of the season
will win this sought-after, coveted Golden Suurmestari statue.
At last we will go to the mansion, where there are points again on offer.
Hey.
Here is my resignation letter.
"Throw something into the trash bin from afar."
"The bin must be closed at the moment of throwing."
What?
"The longest successful throw wins."
"You have 15 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
So, the contestants had to throw something into the trash bin
from as far away as possible, while the trash bin was closed at the moment of throwing.
Whose "something thrown" do we start with?
We'll throw it to Pirjo, Pamela and Ville.
...I don't understand... Task!
"The bin must be closed..."
Ah! This is how it opens, with a lever.
My leg is too short.
Just a moment! I have to think about how it works. If I have... Yeah.
It's unfortunate that you don't fit in the trash bin.
Oh God. This isn't going to... This won't open it.
Now I understand what a terrible mistake it was to come on this show.
I'm making a mental note to never participate... in anything ever again
that is involved with the initials P. H.
[He and Pilvi are regulars on Penkinlämmittäjät, a sports-themed comedy panel show]
Oh, I hope you didn't hear that.
Ah, okay. Hey, you have to help me.
Now!
Sorry!
Can you open it, when I throw?
I think you'll be fine without my help.
I have to succeed, for my own sake.
And I failed, just like in my life in general.
Just another piece of trash.
Now! No!
Now!
No. If I come a bit closer, I'll get at least one in.
Oh! Open it!
Keep it open. Then it will hit it.
In it goes! Hmmph.
- Help! - It's not the time to panic.
- You have five minutes. - Five minutes. Good.
Now! No.
Now!
Yes!
Fuck, I'm so stupid.
- Hey! - Why am I so...
I'm not so embarrassing after all.
Hahaa!
This might not be further...
But let's check. There it is.
In it goes. Yeehaa!
[Pilvi] And time's up.
Three.
[Pamela] Should I collect the balls?
- Go away. - Okay.
Thank you. A bunch of real throwers.
Pirjo, what did you think of your performance?
I didn't really remember any of that. I watched the same thing you did.
- Do you remember now? - I remember, yes.
Do you remember, how you threw it and the bin lid was already open?
The trash bin had to be closed at the moment of throwing.
Well... What part are... What part are we talking about?
I did it right!
I did it the same way!
You didn't do it like Ville. You didn't do it like Pamela.
You didn't do it like them.
How...?
They did it correctly.
- We all saw it just now! - All right, yeah!
[Pirjo] Wait, what?
- It had to be closed at the moment of throwing. - And I said to open it.
When you threw, Pilvi had already opened the trash bin lid.
Why?
Why? Why had you opened it, when it was supposed to be closed?
[Jaakko] What were the results?
Ville's result was 1 m 16 cm.
Pamela's was 3 m 32 cm,
and Pirjo's longest throw...
Pirjo's longest throw was 6 m 38 cm,
but the lid was open.
But! But! The lid was open for them too, when the ball went in the bin.
- [Pilvi] Right. - It can't go in, if the lid is closed!
So, what's so different about these other attempts? Well, let's watch some more.
[Eero] It's great that she won't give up.
We still have the throws from Eero and Joonas,
but at this point, we'll have to take a small break.
Welcome back, this is Suurmestari.
Before the break, we saw how Pirjo, Pamela and Ville
threw something into the trash bin, which was closed at the moment of throwing.
We have yet to see the attempts by Eero and Joonas.
And here they are.
Throw, open, inside. But the execution...
Oh, but hey, this can be removed from here.
- No! - [Eero] It's in two parts.
Now the trash bin is open the whole time. It doesn't really have any benefit.
I didn't lower the lid!
I am not a very good thrower.
Throw!
Okay. Now I have done this from 10 cm away.
Ten centimeters. Okay.
[Joonas] In it went.
It's ridiculous to use your wits for this.
Dumb trash.
Dumb trash!
How do I get it open?
I was just thinking, would it be possible to get an easy distance to the trash bin...
In some other way than...
- Yes... - Ugh! - From above! Yes!
A damn long stick!
What am I doing?
All right, here we are. All right, Pilvi. Mouth open.
All right, now I got it. Yeah.
My task attempt begins now.
Uhhuh.
Here goes the throw... now!
- Ingenious. That's really ingenious. - [Pirjo] Hey!
- [Pilvi] Time. - That was the time?
A brilliant use of time. Or maybe not.
I'm guessing not.
Hear me out. This is the most exciting thing...
What?
...that you will ever see on Finnish television.
- Wow! - Absolutely fantastic!
[incoherent mumbles] Whew.
[Pilvi] Thank you, Eero.
Eero. I have never seen anything like that.
Yeah.
I'm talking about your "drop the mic" gesture, with both hands.
Two mics.
You were so excited about that attempt.
- You nailed it. - [Eero] Quite literally. ["Meni putkeen" = idiom, "went in the pipe"]
What were the results, Pilvi?
The result for Joonas was 6 m 87 cm,
and Eero's result was 40 m 35 cm.
Wonderful and entertaining performances. Points are based on the results.
Eero five, Joonas four, Pamela three, Ville two and Pirjo one.
But Pirjo and other friends, there are more tasks at the mansion.
This is one house of horrors.
"Stop Pilvi from eating the popcorn."
"You can not hurt Pilvi..."
What a disappointment.
"...or move the popcorn bowl."
"You have ten minutes before Pilvi arrives."
"The longest time that Pilvi goes without eating popcorn wins."
"Your time starts now." I see!
So the contestants had to prevent me from eating the popcorn.
That's not easy, when you know how much you like popcorn.
- Who are we starting with? - We'll now see Eero, Pamela, and Ville.
You can't hurt it? No, you can't move it.
You can't hurt Pilvi. This you can't move. Okay.
Let's see...
I could possibly move just the popcorn. Ten minutes. Okay. Help.
Will this work? Will this work? No, I need a taller chair.
It moved, but it's still in the exact same place.
You could get old and sickly doing it this way. I need something to suck it all up.
Is there a vacuum here?
This always looks so easy in the movies!
Blocking the door wasn't such a simple thing to do after all.
You can't move the bowl, but you can touch it.
This doesn't make any sense!
You're going to tie yourself up.
How much time is left? Okay.
I need a sense of danger. "Agh, I stepped on a nail."
I can't hurt her. I'm not hurting her.
Come on, Pilvi! I'm ready!
I am declaring myself a genius at this point.
And... time.
- Hello. - Hello.
- I see. - Nothing here.
"Whaaaat?"
- Did you vacuum them all? - No, I didn't.
Why did I leave that there?
- I'll just have a look. - No!
You're not allowed to break these lamps!
Ville, Ville, Ville.
- That lamp was ingenious. - Right?
Hey, Pilvi. Do you want some chocolate?
- Have some chocolate. - No, thank you. But I would be interested in some popcorn.
- I'll just have a look. - Yeah, that's a good idea.
- Let's just go a bit farther. - I can just have a little look. - Not worth it!
- I had a few too many irons in the fire. - I noticed.
They were distractions, but you looked at that first one, at least.
I can't get in there.
Don't break that lamp!
Ingenious!
[Ville] I'm predicting a good result for myself!
It's just a game.
Oh well. And then...
They're dirty! For health reasons...
I never thought you'd be this crazy!
Don't eat them!
You're insane!
Oh yeah. Time.
[Pamela in task] I would never have thought that you'd take them from the vacuum.
[Eero] You really ate them!
[Pamela] Why?
Very interesting performances.
Ville, it's easy to look pleased while sitting next to Eero.
Yeah, it's always like that.
[Pirjo] You're used to it.
You were placing a chair and said, "It's like in the movies."
What movie did you mean?
In horror movies, they always barricade the doors,
and you can't get inside in any way. It opened with one pull!
I had completely lost all hope, but then... then I realized
how small the budgets for television shows are.
[Jaakko] We had to stockpile old furniture.
I ruthlessly exploited the fact that you can't afford to buy more lamps.
I was correct about that!
What were the results, Pilvi?
Eero's time was 1 minute 8 seconds,
Pamela's was 3 minutes 10 seconds,
and Ville does not have a time, because I did not get to eat the popcorn.
[Pamela] Ville!
But we still haven't seen the attempts of Pirjo and Joonas yet. Isn't that right?
- Yes. - Let's take a small break.
Go get some fresh air, and we'll watch them soon.
Welcome back. A moment ago, we saw how
Eero, Pamela, and Ville all tried to prevent Pilvi
from eating popcorn.
We haven't watched Joonas and Pirjo's attempts yet.
- And they both will be seen... now. - [Jaakko] Awesome.
Oh no! There's nothing there!
Did you hear a car leaving and coming back?
Oh, how wonderful, that it's this way for once.
Oh, so wonderful!
Were you outside? You have wet hair.
- Who would go out there? Terrible weather. - Where is my raincoat?
[Pilvi] What is this?
[Joonas] Show me.
This is something... well, who knows?
No!
Why did you even give it to me? It's not popcorn. It's a seed.
[Pirjo] Your clothes will get wet, and wardrobe will be angry!
[Pilvi] This makes no sense. I can't find them.
That doesn't count. It wasn't popcorn. Popcorn is the exploded version.
You are never going to find the popcorn.
- Harsh. - Wow.
Pilvi... Pilvi, my friend, you really have no idea what happened, do you?
No! No, I don't!
Okay. For once, I get to say this: Let's go to the mansion to have a look at what happened.
Well, well!
The bowl doesn't move!
- Don't move the popcorn bowl... - There. See?
Does anyone other than Pilvi want to eat the popcorn?
There's still some left.
[Eero] That's genius.
[Joonas] If a few pieces of popcorn remain floating in there, then...
[Pamela] Ai-yi-yi!
[Pamela] That was good!
[Pirjo] Pilvi has to go swimming if she wants some popcorn.
This is an almost-popped popcorn.
It counts as a piece of popcorn.
[Joonas] It doesn't count.
That, Pilvi, is what happened.
That's what happened.
Are you surprised?
I mean... I was close.
I had a hunch the whole time. I went to the shoreline...
And I knew that something had been done in the toilet,
because I found that small, almost-popped popcorn.
[Joonas] Seed.
Does that not count?
Of course it doesn't count.
[arguing over each other]
Good lord!
It doesn't count. It was a seed.
- Isn't it... - [Pamela] I would still eat it.
So what do you buy from the store?
- Seeds. Kernels. That can become... - Right, kernels.
If you want French fries, you probably don't go to the market and buy
giant chunks of Rosamunda potato.
[Pirjo] That's extreme thinking.
It's modern times!
- They don't work with such a formula. - It's not a French fry. Potatoes aren't French fries.
- Why are you attacking me? - I'm not attacking you!
Hey, be happy. I brought ice hockey sticks in mine.
The kernel conversation... was great. Great. Just great.
Let's distribute the points like this:
Pirjo and Ville, five points.
Joonas, four points.
Pamela three points, and Eero two points.
But... I'm still thinking about this. A quarter of the popcorn had popped open.
According to rounding rules, we'd have to round it down to a non-popcorn.
- Five points to Joonas. -Thank you!
[Jaakko] It was so close.
Could I have gotten extra points for ingenuity? The vacuum was good.
- How many would you want? - Well, one would be enough.
Let's give Pamela an extra point for her ingenuity.
- Any other wishes? - [Pirjo] Eero has one.
I don't need any extra points. I don't need anything.
I'm giving you an extra point for your modesty.
- Ville and Pirjo, don't beg for anything. - We don't need anything!
[Jaakko] Ville was looking for a better position!
[Jaakko] Who is in the lead?
The situation is extremely exciting,
because all the contestants are within one point.
[Pirjo] But who's in the lead?
The stakes are getting higher. Everyone is within one point.
Let's see what happens next.
Hell-oh, my!
- Not just for reading. - Yes.
"Feed three zebras and one elephant to the clown."
"Most creative solution wins."
"You have 15 minutes. Your time starts now."
Sounds just like a basic Friday.
- This was tough. - I was clueless about this one.
So the task was
to feed three zebras and one elephant to a clown as creatively as possible.
Who shall we start with?
Let's start with Pamela, Joonas, and Ville.
I have this thought, that we'll do a little puppet show.
You can play a clown.
There! Good! Now we have a clown.
[Ville in task] What do we have here? Pure [censored].
[Ville in task] As they say in the theatre audience.
Is this all the food? There's another fridge here,
where we're not allowed. People's own lunches are here. Too bad.
These are Finnish zebras. They have a thicker white stripe than normal.
Just like my own brown stripe.
There. Here's an elephant.
Would you like an elephant? Go on, here comes the elephant.
Good and healthy.
This is a tragic performance, where the wild animals will get hurt.
But the viewer can also decide that maybe they'll end up just fine,
because anything could be inside a belly.
- A party. - Yeah.
Zebras have stripes. We'll have a combination of sweet and salty.
The clown puts his hat on in an amusing way.
Oh! Oh, no! I'm feeling gassy.
Oh, you made yourself the clown!
I hope I don't fart again. Oh no, there it goes.
The sound effects are really important here.
In this performance... the animals will go into the clown's mouth,
and a circus-like music has to be playing in the background.
[♪ Julius Fučík - Entry of the Gladiators ♪]
Oh, how wonderful.
[Joonas] Awesome!
The first zebra says: "Could you eat me, clown?"
The clown says: "How assful!" [he made up "perskamala" = "ass" + "awful"]
The zebra says: "It's wonderful that I get to feed you."
Another zebra says: "Oh bother, I wish I could be even better."
"I will give even more of myself to you." By which I mean: the cream.
These came out pretty funny. One more, who's taking it? There.
Last zebra. Good, thank you.
- Thank you, Joonas. - Thank you.
The zebras are now galloping in the savannah in the sky.
The clown has now eaten three zebras and a pretty sweet elephant.
- Wow! - This is nice!
[Eero] Someone has directed movies before.
In the 90s, kids shows were still like that.
[Pamela] I was alive back then.
Pamela! Nice puppet show.
I think so, yes.
You said something... "Wild animals will get hurt, but there could be something good in the belly."
Kids are watching this! I don't want to lead animals to their doom. So an adventure begins.
So if an animal gets eaten, that's when the adventure's just beginning.
Have you tried selling this idea to vegans?
Like in those kids shows, where miracles can happen in a whale's stomach.
[Jaakko] Just wait until you get in my belly, steak.
It's good to live with hope. Something beautiful could be just beyond the border.
[Jaakko] Let's all applaud that.
We still have the attempts of Pirjo and Eero to watch.
These were good. The next ones will be seen after the break.
Welcome back. Before the break, we saw
how Joonas, Pamela, and Ville fed
three zebras and one elephant to a clown.
We have still to watch how the task was performed by Eero and Pirjo.
Pirjo and Eero's attempts will be seen now.
Help!
[Pirjo roars]
Feed... I will now make these into zebras.
Oooh, zebras have stripes. Oooh, and eyes.
And... a muzzle.
Muzzle.
- What? - [Pirjo] What are those? Eggs?
I could get off more easily, but I'm not giving up, because...
There has to be a clown nearby.
Now I remember!
A silver elephant can come from this.
I must have been drunk.
You are completely nuts. Absolutely crazy.
An elephant's trunk is here!
Yes.
What's happening here?
Trunk's on. What time is it?
You have ten minutes left.
- She's shocked! - Her expression!
I can even taste this a bit.
Now we're off on a journey!
We're going over here. Ooooh!
If this is making me laugh, then somewhere, someone else is also laughing.
- You'll have to receive these. - How?
Only the clown knows how. Don't ask me!
Yeah, go on!
- Aah! - Oh yeah! Pass! ["syöttää" = to feed / to pass]
Yeah! Now we are working together.
Zuzum!
[Pilvi "meeps"]
Finally, we'll pass an elephant to the clown.
[Pirjo in task] I even scored a goal!
Smack that elephant. Pass it here!
Harder!
Good!
Good! Yeah!
- [Joonas] Ingenious! - [Pamela] Yeah, amazing! I didn't think of that!
- [Ville] That was beautiful. - [Pamela] I don't know about that.
- That was entertaining. - Great minds!
Compliments have already gone where they needed to.
[Eero] The bill still hasn't been paid.
You were saying "bazuum" and "zuzuum".
Goalies might have enough time to try to say "cat", but...
Isn't there a Zoom team? Doesn't someone play...?
[Joonas] Don't look at me.
[Pirjo] Zoom!
Zuzuum.
I think you mean the legendary sports and temperance society Zoomia. [not a thing]
Yeah...
Yes, Suurmestari! That exactly right!
I understand completely what you're... I agree.
Eero, it was "feed/pass to someone". Not be the one fed/passed to.
You were also the clown in this, and the clown was being passed to.
- Pass to the clown. - [Jaakko] YOU have to pass to the clown.
But it wasn't about that...
This wasn't actually a task about passing...
Should the task have read "Make Pilvi pass to the clown"?
It didn't say that you had to pass to the clown.
"Pass." It's a passive.
Here are your points, see? I'll start taking points away...
Appappap!
Pirjo, five points.
- Pamela and Ville, four points. - I'm touched!
Eero three points, and Joonas two points.
Why?
I was comparing it to the other attempts.
- It wasn't very showy. - Oh, be quiet.
Eero even did it wrong, but I still got fewer points.
[Jaakko] Eero's was more entertaining.
[Jaakko] Did I say two points to Joonas? I meant one point to Joonas.
All right...
But the game is definitely not over yet.
It's time for the final task. Prepare yourselves.
The final task today raises a lot of questions.
Ville, would you kindly read the task aloud?
"Get the Suurmestari to say the word by presenting him with a question."
"The question must be formed of six words."
"Every member of the team says two words at a time. Best attempt wins."
Contestants, are you ready? Ville's team begins.
Look at the word and turn it to the camera.
[PAUSE TO READ:] Finnish has a lot of compound words. This task will be translated literally. The contestants are all saying two Finnish words each.
What flies... [helicopter]
...in the sky with a rotor...
...while... making noise?
Airplane.
- What?! - Helicopter.
A rotor!
Joonas and Pamela, you may look at the word.
[shoelace]
What you...
...put on...
...shoes...
No!
Noooo!
...a... and... and tied?
Shoe.
Yeah, all right.
Ville's team, are you ready? Look at the word.
[gluten]
What kind of diet...
for an upset stomach...
...bread!
...is unsuitable?
[Jaakko] Gluten-free.
Well, it was close. Then...
[brand name weather resistant fabric]
When it's raining...
put on... a coat...
[Pamela] What?
...which has?
Hood.
Mm, pretty good.
Ville's team, are you ready? You may look at the word.
[vacuum cleaner]
On cleaning day...
this...
is very...
floor cleaning.
- Mop. - No!
It was the other one!
Joonas and Pamela, you may look at the word.
[shovel/spade; no distinction in Finnish]
A worker digs...
with this thing...
big holes.
- Excavator. - [Pamela] No! What?!
Big! Worker!
That was the task. Thank you to both teams.
Thank you, dear friends.
It's easy for some and hard for others to speak in groups like this,
as someone with mediocre talents would certainly understand.
I'm of course not talking about myself. The points are divided thusly:
Ville's team gets five points for each member.
And Joonas and Pamela, zero points.
[Pamela] But... why?
- Why five? - Sounds reasonable.
- Defend us, too! - Doing so would be pointless.
It's already been agreed upon.
Pilvi, who won this episode?
After all the tasks,
the most points went to...
Pirjo!
[Jaakko] Congratulations, Pirjo. You may fetch your prizes.
A table full of trash! Insignificance! Trash it all!
This was Suurmestari. Thank you, all viewers. Thank you, Ville Myllyrinne!
Bye bye!
English translation by zadorvp Proofreading and sync by u/chequedummy
Original Finnish subs: Tanja Piirainen Iyuno