Hello. I am Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster,
and I am the Taskmaster.
A while ago, I decided to ask some well-known comedians
to do some extraordinary things for me.
Because I am who I am,
they all agreed to take part instantly,
and that's why we're all here now.
They have no idea how each other did, but they will soon find out.
I shall be judging both what they did and how they did it.
My word is final, but at times they will probably get really angry.
Let's meet them now.
He is a national treasure, by which I mean
he's older than the others. It's Frank Skinner!
[applause]
He sounds a lot like Zippy from Rainbow...
It's Josh Widdicombe.
[applause]
I genuinely once returned to my flat to find her in my bed,
eating biscuits and watching a documentary on Colditz.
[laughter]
It's Roisin Conaty.
[applause]
He is the least experienced but the most constantly angry of the contestants.
It's Romesh Ranganathan.
[applause]
Sort of a poet, sort of a comedian,
sort of a hairstyle. Tim Key!
[applause]
As always, I am both aided and praised
by my personal assistant, Alex Horne.
- So, Alex. You alright? - Hello. Yes, yes.
Do you want to have some banter with the host?
Yes, erm...
You look ni-- It says you look very--
You look a little bit like a security man.
- On with the show. - [laughter]
Tell us about the first task.
OK. So, the first task, as always, is the prize task.
Each of the contestants tonight has brought in
one of their possessions for the prize haul.
And whichever one you judge to be the best
of those prizes will get the first points.
It's supposed to genuinely mean something to them.
- It's supposed to be important. - It's bloody important, yep.
And this time you've asked them to bring in their most valuable item.
[Greg] Frank, tell us what you've brought in.
I've brought a ring that I purchased in...
- [Frank] It's a beauty. - [audience] Woooo!
Lovely, it's gone very The Price Is Right.
[laughter]
I bought it in 2001,
and I think I paid 600 quid for it.
£600 is a hell of a start though, isn't it?
- Is it still worth £600? - Well, we had it valued...
It's now...
Well, it's currently worth £3,995.
- [they gasp] - [Josh] No way!
Whoa, whoa!
[laughter and applause]
Yeah, yeah.
The whole game's not quite so funny now, is it?
[laughter]
- [Alex] It's worth £3,995. - Basically £4,000.
Nearly four grand. It's a hell of an opener.
That's... I mean, to these people, that's a lot of money.
[Greg] Oh, God!
[laughter]
Josh, four grand is a lot to beat...
Yeah, four grand is nothing compared to mine,
because I have taken the ultimate gamble,
and I have signed a blank cheque.
[audience gasps]
It could be whatever the morals of the winner dictate.
Well, that's you well and truly fucked then, isn't it?
[laughter]
I think this is also gonna be one of those things that you think,
"funny idea" before the show, but it's gonna backfire. I mean...
No, I don't think Frank Skinner is gonna...
No, Frank doesn't need it, but if I come to the other end...
Hold it!
[laughter]
I don't need it, but I like the idea of Josh no longer having it.
[laughter]
What's the maximum you can do?
- Twenty grand. - Twenty grand.
- [Josh] What?! - I would do 20 grand.
NO!
You-- Hey, hey, hey--
[imitating Josh] "Oh, I'm doing the most valuable!"
"I'm putting up a cheque!
Well, deal with it, bitch.
[laughter]
Roisin, we've already got a winner in this round.
What have you brought in?
[laughter]
I've brought in a diamond ring.
[audience] Oooo.
Right, now. I don't want to sully the atmosphere of this room
because you and I are friends,
but I know that's not a diamond ring.
[laughter]
How much is it worth, Roisin?
Twelve pounds.
So, Roisin goes instantly into last place.
So, that's fine. Romesh?
I have put up what is easily the most valuable.
It's a Peugeot 407.
Wow!
- No way! - [they gasp]
[Greg] Is it yours?
My wife gave it to me.
She doesn't know that I'm doing this.
How much is Romesh's car worth?
The car is worth, currently...
It's worth £590, because it's not a good car.
It's not a good car and it's 14 years old.
[laughter]
Roisin comfortably still in last place.
Tim, what did you bring in?
I brought, um, eight copies of my book.
[laughter and applause]
How much does your book retail at?
Well, I mean... When it first went on sale we were all fairly positive.
[laughter]
£8.99, I think. Do you know?
Yeah, they're currently on for £3.50 on Amazon.
You can get them for £3.50. But these are signed, are they?
I can sign 'em, yeah.
I signed my cheque!
[laughter]
Have we got any indication of how much Tim's signature would add to the...
I would say, in total, they're gonna be between the £12 and the car.
[laughter]
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of that first round is Mr Josh Widdicombe.
[cheers and applause]
Which means that the leaderboard looks like this.
[applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, all of these prizes will be taken home by the winner tonight.
Something they may come to regret.
They're on display up there.
Ladies and gentlemen, those are our prizes up on the balcony.
[audience] Oooo!
Time for the first big task, ladies and gentlemen.
Task one, proper.
[eerie sci-fi music]
Ooh, my...
Wow!
What the...
Exciting, isn't it?
[she laughs]
[he chuckles]
Oh, mate, I used to dream about stuff like this happening as a kid.
Aliens... sending me mail.
"Get this boulder as far from this place as possible."
"You have one hour. Your time starts now."
Oh, my God.
[applause]
Yes, at the Taskmaster mansion, I had a massive boulder I wanted moving.
Why wouldn't I have a massive boulder I wanted moving?
Let's see how Roisin Conaty handled that challenge.
[Josh laughs]
Hello, I was wondering if I could order a courier, please?
I need the one after a transit van, I reckon.
Or a transit van?
Do you reckon I'd get that in a transit...?
Camber Sands.
Um, bear with me one moment.
Will you map it and just see how long it is?
[Alex] There we go. Two hours.
No, I can't, sorry--
Can I not have it Camber Sands, actually, sorry.
That's two hours away and I need it to go somewhere that's an hour away.
Um, can I call you back in five minutes?
- You've got, um... - Loads of time?
Forty-eight minutes left.
OK, let's go inside.
[laughter]
The thing is, though, even if I order a courier,
they're not gonna get here in an hour.
Well, not if you don't call them.
Hello, I called a moment ago about ordering a collection.
It's one sort of large... item.
- It's a boulder. - [laughter]
I'll call you back in two minutes, then, just to confirm.
Is that alright? Sorry about that. I just needed to check...
Just to make sure that we've got the quickest time.
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
How long will they be?
45 to 60 minutes.
Oh, right. You've got 32 minutes left.
[laughter]
I've just got two quick questions for you.
Where is the boulder at this stage in the challenge?
- Still in the garage. - It's still in the garage.
Twenty-eight minutes have passed, it's still in the garage.
And my second question is...
Why was your first instinct to take it to Camber Sands?
[laughter]
I'd been Googling Camber Sands the day before.
What? Why had you been Googling it?
'Cause I wanted a day trip.
Were you taking the rock back to its natural habitat?
[laughter]
Let's see what the master's got in store for us in the second part of the challenge.
Oh! Oh dear...
I've messed this up so bad.
[laughter and applause]
So, after 28 minutes of debate,
and establishing that she would ideally like to get it to Camber Sands,
Roisin then decided to roll the boulder.
That was the plan B.
Alex, how far did Roisin get the boulder?
In an hour, she moved the boulder 300 yards.
[laughter]
It's 200,000 yards away, so just shy...
- Just shy of Camber Sands. - Just shy of the target.
I mean, I knew I'd made a mistake.
I tried to act on impulse, without thinking.
I thought, "Just get a courier and get it out!"
You tried to act on impulse and it was still in the garage after 28 minutes?
[Greg] Amazing.
I'm not a betting man, but I think we've found our last place for this round.
[laughter]
OK, everyone, stop. We're having a break.
See you in a minute for the conclusion.
Welcome back to Taskmaster. We missed you.
But enough of that. On with the show.
Alex, who was next?
We're gonna have a look at Romesh and Frank together
'cause they had slightly more lateral thinking.
[Frank] Is there a wheelbarrow in the shed?
Yeah!
[boulder scraping]
[boulder squeaking]
[Romesh] Can I get someone to take this for me?
I'm thinking about phoning up someone.
Could you search "van" plus "driver hire"?
- I've got van Persie. - Van Persie? No.
[Alex] The man with a van removal service in Chiswick.
OK, so it says, "Contact Mo."
[phone beeps]
Good morning. Um, I'm trying to get a...
a facsimile boulder onto a train.
[laughter]
[Frank] It's a... It's a boulder.
[train roars]
[Alex] Here he is.
- Are you Mo? - Yes.
Hello, Mo. Listen, I need a massive favour.
I need to get that boulder as far away from here as possible.
So if I put it in the back of your van...
We came from that direction, so I just want you to head...
You've got ten minutes to get it as far away in that direction as possible.
Godspeed, Mo!
[applause]
And it's already progress in that they were moving whilst thinking.
He got just the luck of the draw that he got a courier.
I phoned a lot of couriers, Alex, you know I tried a lot.
Well, you phoned one courier,
and then you phoned them back, and then you...
Oh, no, and then you phoned them back.
How many couriers did you try?
Two or three, I think?
On the third one, Mo came good?
Yeah, but I'm gonna be honest with you.
Mo was a nice guy, but he was a liar.
Like, he...
[laughter]
He told me he was gonna be five minutes.
Five minutes later, I call him, he says ten minutes.
I say, "Mo, you get your story straight,
then tell me when you're gonna be here, man."
And how many minutes was it?
Well, he wheelbarrowed it for 50 minutes,
and then put it in a van for ten,
and the other way around would've been a lot quicker.
- Well... Yes, I know that! - [laughter]
Did you have to look at the iPad for that fact?
[laughter]
No, listen, listen...
You got a courier in 50 minutes.
He showed up to pick up a boulder...
- It's an incredible turnaround. - Do you know what he said to me?
When he turned up, he said, "You'll never guess..."
"Some crazy shithead wanted me to go to Camber Sands."
[laughter]
[applause]
Shall we see how Mo actually did?
Perhaps you're being unfair to Mo. Perhaps he's nailed this for you.
I've put it on a map, exactly how far your boulder went, Romesh.
You wheelbarrowed it for a mile in 50 minutes, which is quite impressive.
- [Josh] Good work. - [Greg] That's impressive.
- [Romesh] While on the phone to Mo. - [Alex] Who then drove it for 2.4 miles.
[Alex] Unfortunately, the direction...
[laughter]
It's not great.
Do you understand why I can't deal with Mo?
He's a f...
Mo is a prick!
Before you give poor Mo any more grief than you've already given him,
we all saw your instructions to Mo,
and you said, "Drive in that direction."
So it's my fault?
- [Greg] Yeah. - You'd already turned left, yeah.
Just to be absolutely crystal clear,
all of this is your fault.
[laughter]
Just to say that Frank did actually get on the train
- with the boulder, didn't you Frank? - [Frank] Mm-hm.
[Alex] Yeah, that's commitment.
A man said to me, "What's that?"
And I said, "It's a boulder."
And he said...
"What's a boulder?"
[laughter]
And he said, "Is it like a... big rock?"
[laughter]
And I thought that was the definition I was grasping for, so I nodded.
[laughter]
How far did Frank get it?
Frank got it 6.5 miles to Feltham,
which is quite impressive.
[cheers and applause]
Frank's in the lead at this point.
At this point, Frank is in the lead, yeah.
Lovely. Shall we see how Josh and Tim got on?
OK.
Well, I was thinking helium balloons.
- [Alex] That's a good idea. - And then it just goes.
Get a lot of distance.
How many helium balloons would we need?
[laughter]
We'd need a lot.
And I just need to order a cab...
As quickly as possible to arrive,
and then I'll pay for them to drive for an hour west down the M4.
[helium hissing]
[Tim] Oh, I think this is a good idea.
I think once it's up, it'll gather momentum pretty quickly.
[he laughs]
[Alex] Do you want me to get it?
[Tim] It's a shame, that.
Do you want to lift the other side and we'll just...
- [Alex] Get it up? - Yeah.
[Alex] Just at least get it started.
- Ready? - Yep.
One, two, three...
[hollow clunking]
[laughter]
I'm gonna have a Crunch Cream.
We need to put the rock on the van.
Please can you help me put the rock on the van?
OK.
[boulder rustling]
[Tim] OK.
[Josh] Here he is.
Thank you.
Twenty-seven minutes.
It's exciting, isn't it?
[laughter]
[applause]
How long did you piss around with those balloons?
Pissed around for about... half an hour, I think.
No, maybe 40 minutes.
Once Tim stopped all with the balloons,
how far did he get it in your van?
Once he put it on my van, it went 2.3 miles,
which is just ahead of Romesh because of the problems with Mo.
What I was most impressed with with you, Josh,
was that you were totally unfazed,
and never at any point did you consider moving the boulder yourself.
No, w-what...
It's not a criticism.
I think you're like a general, letting other people do the work.
I'd hate to say it, but I think I'm probably
what makes Britain great.
[laughter]
You can see where it was after an hour.
It's, uh... It's in Windsor.
[laughter and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, a very clear winner of that task.
A brilliant effort by all of our contestants,
but the winner, very clearly, Mr Josh Widdicombe.
[cheers and applause]
Alex, how are the scores looking?
I've updated the scoreboard. We can see it up there.
Josh is well in the lead at the moment.
- [audience] Oooh. - [Alex] So there we go.
[applause]
What's the next task?
We can have a look at the next task now.
"Grow the longest nail."
"You have ten weeks."
"Your time starts now."
Genuinely excellent news to me,
because I have strangely long big toes.
[laughter]
That's right. A genuinely disgusting task.
Let's see how they get on, after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Now, before the break, we revealed that our five contestants
have been competing to grow the longest nail.
Frank, how'd you get on?
[they gasp]
Would you like to have a look at that, Greg?
I mean, I would like to have a closer look,
but already from here I'm disgusted.
[horrified gasps]
Oh, 'cause you've got quite feminine hands as well, so...
Well, I've never done a day's work in my life.
Is this a trick of the camera? Have you actually substituted...
Have you put a picture in front of the camera
of a 60-year-old woman's thumb?
- [Alex] It's 2.1 centimetres long. - Frank is 2.1 centimetres.
Josh, can we see your nail?
[Greg] Oh, no.
- [they groan] - Oh, no.
[Josh] Could I just say...
That this is probably the worst thing you're ever gonna see.
[everyone gasps]
It looks like an owl's foot!
It actually looks like talons.
[Josh] Do you wanna touch it?
It looks like an old man's thumb has been put onto...
[Alex] 2.8 centimetres.
[applause]
I mean, well done.
[Josh] Cheers, mate.
Well done for living with that.
[Greg] How did Roisin get on?
I... bit mine.
[laughter]
Roisin crashes in at last place, I would imagine.
[Alex] 1.8 centimetres.
[Greg] 1.8 centimetres for Roisin.
[applause]
Romesh, what have you got for us?
Lemme just show you. There you go.
I've decorated it.
Oh, my God. It's curled over.
That's supposed to be like a face.
[Roisin] Why is it curled over?
[Josh screams]
[Josh] Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?
[Romesh] Well, I did, uh...
That's supposed to be a face. I thought if I put dots and a smile...
A couple more weeks' growth and you're gonna be able to hang from that.
[Alex] Would you mind measuring that, Romesh?
Not at all.
That is just the most horrifying thing I've ever seen.
Oh, you can shut your mouth.
- [Alex] 2.2 centimetres. - [Greg] Wow.
- [Alex] Not as long as... - [Greg] Impressive.
[applause]
How did Tim get on?
I couldn't do this one.
For religious reasons?
No, but I've got a note of exemption.
[Tim] Do you want me to read it?
Yes, please.
"To whom it may concern, Tim Key was employed as an actor
in Daniel Kitson's production of Tree at the Old Vic Theatre in London."
"The character he portrayed was a nervous man who would bite his nails anxiously."
"As such, he was unable to undertake the task."
"Thank you, Jen. Jenefer Tait."
[applause]
I saw Tree.
- Yeah, I was with you. - You were with me that night.
"It's a fabulous play, I was enthralled." The Guardian.
[laughter]
But you wore shoes throughout.
- [Josh] Yes, I saw that. - So you could've grown a toenail.
You have to have, like, a backstory to the character.
And so I was biting them as well.
[laughter]
What were you hoping was gonna come out of the whole excuse note thing?
Well, I thought there'd be, like, a general voided round.
I'm not going through that to have it voided off!
[laughter]
Without question, the winner of that
is Josh "Repulsive Feet" Widdicombe.
[applause]
Alex, how has that affected the scores?
Well, we're halfway, and here's the scoreboard.
Josh is in the lead at the moment. So, there we go.
[applause]
What was next?
OK, let's have a look at the next task.
- [Roisin] Hello. - [Romesh] Hello.
- Hello, Alex. - Hello.
How are you?
- [Josh] Hello! - [Roisin] Hello!
- Hi, Frank. - Morning.
Shall I, uh...
"Make this bed to a hotel standard while holding hands."
[Tim chuckles]
"Your time ends when you get into the bed."
"Fastest wins."
"Hold hands now..." Wait, I don't understand!
We've got to make the bed, holding hands?
Do all three of us have to be in a chain the whole time?
"Hold hands now. Your time starts now."
- Good to see you, Frank. - Good to see you.
I feel you've already got an advantage.
Why?
Because I've put my right hand out of action.
- You've got yours. - Oh, but I'm left-handed.
- [Frank] Oh! - [laughter]
- Then we've made a terrible error. - [Tim laughs]
[Frank] Terrible error.
[applause]
How did we decide how to group the people together?
It's kind of a maths thing again.
Frank and Tim, their ages, they add up to a hundred,
as do the three of these guys.
- [laughter] - I'm 24.
[laughter]
Start with the youngsters...
[Josh] Hang on! Shit, watch out!
[Roisin] It doesn't matter.
[Josh] It's hotel standard! You don't want tennis court on it.
[Roisin] We can dust it off.
I mean, they haven't said which hotel, though,
'cause that's Travelodge all over, that.
- [Romesh] So you want this? - [Josh] OK, Rom?
- [Romesh] Yes, I've got it. - [Roisin] Yeah?
- [Josh] Got that? - [Romesh] Yep, got it.
[Roisin] Wait, let me get my corner. Ready?
- [Roisin] Got it? - [Romesh] Got it. Definitely got it.
[Josh] Wait, wait. I can help here.
You don't need to shake it.
Right, have a shake.
[Romesh] You just said, "You don't need to shake!"
Now you want us to shake.
[Roisin] OK.
[Romesh laughs] No, you're just...
- [Josh] What are you doing?! - I'm trying to get the pillow on!
[Romesh] You're just moving the sheet up and down the pillow.
[Romesh] The buttons are wrong! The buttons are wrong.
- [Josh] No, it's not. - [Roisin] They are!
[Romesh] Why is there this loose flap here? There's a hole...
This is what's wrong with the world.
[Josh] Let's just enjoy ourselves.
Come on, Rois! Put some fucking effort in.
[Josh] Right, done. Pillows!
Let me swap, then you do the pillows.
Let me hold Josh's. I can go in the middle.
[Josh] Auld Lang Syne. Right.
[they giggle]
- [Roisin] I need to go-- - [Josh] Wait, wait. There we go.
No, we want me in the middle. You two let go of each other.
There you go, I'm in the middle. Go!
- [Roisin] No, I'm in the middle! - [Josh] Oh, are you in the middle?
OK.
[Romesh] Duvet first or pillows first?
[Roisin] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, my God!
[she screams]
[laughter]
[they giggle]
- Oh, my God. Brilliant. - Same again?
- [Josh] I've dreamed of this moment. - [Roisin] What do you mean...
[Josh] Bend your legs so we can get the duvet over us.
- [Alex] I'm stopping the clock. - [Roisin] There we are.
[Josh] I think that was alright.
[Roisin] That was really good going.
[applause]
We were at a massive disadvantage to these two.
[Tim] No, no, no.
- Huge disadvantage. - How were you at a massive disadvantage?
- [Roisin] You've got a third person. - [Josh] 'Cause there's three people.
You've got a third person whose hands are both out of action,
and you're just dragging them along. It's more difficult.
If you had a three-legged race, that'd be easier than a...
But you're suggesting that the person in the middle is a hindrance.
[Roisin] Yes.
They held a massive advantage, having three.
You have to keep moving people around and putting them in the middle.
Yeah, but for a start, you had three intelligent people to work on the task...
Yeah.
- We had one. Secondly... - [laughter]
Secondly, wingspan is an advantage.
Yeah, in case you want to take a quick fly in between the sheets.
I saw an albatross make a bed like that in 34 seconds.
[laughter]
You're almost suggesting that a crab
would be better off without its middle section.
- That's exactly what I'm saying. - [Greg] Yeah.
Let's see how two people got on.
If it's got gravel on it, is it still
- made to a hotel standard? - [Tim cackles]
- [Tim laughs] - Oh, my God!
[Frank] This is gonna be the hardest bit, isn't it? Getting under the mattress.
[Frank] Was there a dog there that we didn't notice?
[Tim giggles] I think so, yeah.
[Frank] Is that a pillow?
- [Tim] I got it, I got it. - [Frank] OK.
OK, here, you hold that.
Give me this hand and you... [he laughs]
This is why conjoined twins just use those double sleeping bags.
[Frank] Won't be the first time I've left saliva on a hotel pillow.
[muffled giggling]
[Frank] Oh, here it is. There it is. Yeah, this is gonna be...
Look, if I take the other corner...
OK, I'm gonna go in here. Hang on, hang on.
- If you give me that corner inside... - No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, that'll be good.
[Frank] This is what you need to do, isn't it?
[Tim] Wait, wait, wait.
[Frank] Is it in? I think it's in. Don't let go of my hand.
OK. I don't know why you're not on the bed.
I think we need to start buttoning.
- "Bottling"? - "But-ton-ing"!
Oh, now we've got a language problem.
You start buttoning at that end, I'll start buttoning at this end...
I can't button with just one... Can I?
You can use your thigh as a buttoning table.
What was that phrase, Frank?
"You can use your thigh as a buttoning table."
Thank you.
- That's fine, isn't it? - Don't be fussy, Frank.
I'd be happy to walk into a hotel and see that. Are we done?
[Alex] I'm not sure if you've read the task properly.
- [Tim] Oh, we lie in the bed! - [Frank] We have to get into it!
- Do we have to get to sleep? - [Frank laughs]
[Alex] Stop the clock!
- Good night, Tim. - Good night, Frank.
[applause]
I'm tempted to give an extra point for "Good night, Frank."
It was genuinely a lovely sweet moment.
Who did it the fastest? Let's give it to the winners based on that.
Two points each for the winners depending on who made it the fastest.
[Greg] They were both a high standard, as far as I'm concerned.
Well, the children took 16 minutes and 3 seconds.
Incredible.
The grown-ups, 10 minutes and 57 seconds.
[Greg] Well, there you go. Clear winners.
[applause]
Alex, what are the scores?
OK. Well, if we have a look here,
you can see the leader is Mr Josh Widdicombe.
[applause]
I've got this. Time for another task!
- How are you? - Good, thanks.
Ooh.
"Make this Swedish person blush."
"Make this Swedish pershon..." [she laughs]
I've already got the accent.
"Make this Swedish person blush as deeply..."
"Make this Swedish person blush as deeply as possible."
- Are you Swedish? - Yeah.
I love Swedes.
"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
[incredulous laugh]
My God, that's impossible.
Um...
[applause]
Josh, my feeling is, just from that tiny little moment there,
that you are the most uncomfortable with this task.
It was the worst ten minutes of my life.
Let's see the tension between Josh and a... Swedish man?
[laughter]
What's the most...
So, let's talk about embarrassment, then.
- Mm-hm. - Have you ever had sex?
Yeah.
Have you seen any of the Emmanuelle movies?
No.
OK. Do you...
How do you imagine Alex Horne's naked body?
Never.
- But you are now. - Yeah, I am now.
Yeah, so what are you picturing now?
How do you feel about communal showers?
No problem with that, no.
- No? - No.
[laughter]
It's quite weird, 'cause it's difficult to know what...
So, who would be your dream celebrity to bed?
- No idea, actually. - There's no celebrities you fancy?
Not really.
- Claudia Winkleman? - Don't know.
You don't know who Claudia Winkleman is?
Um...
[blows whistle]
- He's a tough nut to crack. - [Alex chuckles]
[Alex] Thanks, Josh.
No worries. That was the toughest task yet.
That's not helped. Oh, no.
[laughter]
See you later.
[applause]
Do you fancy Claudia Winkleman?
- Let's not go into that. - [laughter]
Well, they're interesting frames of sexual reference for you.
- Alex Horne, the Emmanuelle films... - [laughter]
They are 1970s soft porn films.
Uh, communal showers...
and then the leap to Claudia Winkleman intrigued me.
I'm sweating so much now.
[laughter]
Let's see how Frank and Romesh got on.
- Hello. - Hi.
Will you do whatever I ask you to do?
- Probably not. - Probably not?
What kind of things make you blush, would you say?
Don't know.
What about if somebody speaks to you really close up?
Don't you find that a bit strange?
Your ears are completely devoid of hair.
[laughter]
- What are you like with physical contact? - Oh, that's fine. Yeah.
That makes you feel weird?
Fred, I'm worried that I'm getting a bit of a pot belly.
- [laughter] - What do you think?
Fine.
Is there a reason you're not making eye contact with me?
Not really, no. I could make eye contact...
Now we're getting on, aren't we? We're really getting on.
I have a surprisingly bulbous vein
on my private parts.
But it almost exactly resembles
the point where the A40 joins the A315.
I once got it out in a park
to explain to a lady directions. And...
it led to a court case.
[laughter]
How does that make you feel?
Yeah.
- I mean, I've got no idea. - [Fred laughs]
I mean, I'm either gonna make him blush or I'm gonna sleep with him.
[laughing] I don't know which one it's gonna be.
You know what I'm talking about, though, don't you?
[Frank sighs]
Fred, I think you might have beaten me.
I've got 30 seconds to embarrass you.
[high-pitched] Here comes the nuzzle.
You ready for the nuzzle?
Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle!
[laughter]
Come on, Fred... Freddie...
[blows whistle]
- [Fred laughs] - [Frank sighs]
- I'm sorry. - No worries.
I can only apologise.
- That was just for the task, you know? - Yeah, yeah.
But if you want to go for a drink or whatever, let me know.
[laughter and applause]
I mean, so desperate.
Yeah, I'm not proud of that.
I mean, you look proud of it.
I thought we got on. I really thought we did.
But what was disappointing was how little he blushed,
and so the thing is that I realised I was just touching him a lot.
And he wasn't blushing at all.
And so I just thought, "I'm just groping a dude now."
"I'm not achieving anything in the task."
It was horrible.
See, I thought that he was blushing,
- but only from the neck down. - [laughter]
Was anyone else surprised Frank Skinner's
got the belly of a 15-year-old boy?
[laughter]
Powerful homoeroticism. I really enjoyed it.
Be interesting to see if a poet comes in at a different angle.
Let's have a look at Tim.
[softly] Say something in Swedish.
[speaks in Swedish]
Um... Could you say something else?
OK, can you say in Swedish, "This is my apartment"?
[speaks in Swedish]
"Make yourself comfortable."
[speaks in Swedish]
"I'm going to pour us both some sherry."
[speaks in Swedish]
I want you to say, "I like..."
[he giggles]
Can you say, "I like to..."
[Tim laughs]
Hang on. Let me get this right.
[clears throat]
"I like to parade around in my little denim shorts."
[laughter]
Are you blushing?
Say, "When I get half a chance..."
"I like to parade around in my little denim jeans... waving..."
[speaks in Swedish]
- Have you ever been handcuffed? - No.
- You ever been whipped? - No.
- Smothered in chocolate? - No.
- Licked? - No.
- Kicked? - No.
- Kissed? - No.
Look at me.
[whispers] Yes.
- Don't look at my lips. - [laughter]
[blows whistle]
[applause]
I wish I'd kissed him.
- If I had my chance again. - [laughter]
I'd go and just blow on his lips.
But actually, looking at it, I think he was blushing.
I'll just write that down. "If I'd had my chance again..."
"I would have blown on his lips."
Yeah, it's a strange regret to have.
- Really strange. - [laughter]
Let's see if the woman in the group took a different approach.
Have you ever met anyone with three breasts?
No.
Would you like to see someone with three breasts?
- Yeah. - [she laughs]
What about four? Is that too many?
Yeah, that's too much.
- Three's OK? - Three is OK.
Four, out of the question.
OK, what about if you put your head in between your legs?
Not for dirty reasons. Just to colour it up.
- Yeah. - Get a flush going.
So, four breasts is too much?
Yeah.
- Three's sufficient. - Yeah.
Where would you have the third?
In the middle or round the back?
- [laughter] - [Fred] In the middle.
Alright. Same size, or just a mini one?
Oh, why not a mini one?
[laughter]
[Fred] Yep, getting there.
- [Roisin chuckles] - Whoa!
Thank you.
I think I'm gonna go with that as my finished...
[Alex] You're stopping with four minutes to go?
That's fine. Thank you very much, Fredrik.
- Thank you. - You went very... very red.
[cheers and applause]
Roisin's the only person who thought to physically
make him go red, by applying science, in a way.
And I'm glad you thought of that,
because I would argue that without that,
mentioning a withered back- breast might not have...
[Josh laughs]
...may not have done it.
I was trying to unnerve him. I didn't want to be sexual.
I'm not very good at being sexy, so I was just trying to unnerve him.
Just make him feel like, "Oh, I don't know what she's gonna say!"
Yeah, like you've got a mini tit on your back.
[laughter]
I wanted him to look worried that I might,
sort of get, you know, a back-boob out.
Thank God you used science.
I suspect you may have nailed this, but Alex...
- Show us the blush chart. - Roisin did make him go the reddest.
Josh got him to Jasmine Shimmer.
[laughter]
Then it's Cherry Blossom for Tim,
Fantasy Rose for Frank,
Puce for Romesh,
and Ballet Slipper slash Sangria from Roisin.
Those are the exact bits, so Roisin wins.
So the winner is Old "Me Back Tit" Conaty.
[laughter and applause]
Remember, someone is walking out of here
with a cheque for probably £20,000,
and a ring worth almost £4,000.
And a cheap, shit ring.
[laughter]
See you after the break for the final part of the show and the final task.
Welcome back to Taskmaster, where one of these comedians
will be driving home in Romesh's absolutely rubbish car.
Alex, who's in the lead so far?
OK, so, Josh and Frank have both got 16 points.
[cheers and applause]
Some of our comics can't win now, but very much playing for pride.
Shall we get Roisin to read out the task?
[Alex] Why not. Would you mind reading that out?
Have I been reduced to admin now?
[Alex] Yes, you have. Yes.
- It's just to make you feel a bit more special. - [Roisin] Right.
"Blow up the biggest balloon whilst blindfolded."
"You have 100 seconds and one balloon."
- [Alex] Simple task. - [Tim] It's a good task.
So you've got exactly 100 seconds to blow the biggest balloon you can
from the moment that Alex blows the whistle.
Yeah, there are a couple of things. You only have one balloon.
At the end of the hundred seconds, the balloon must be tied.
And if the balloon does burst, it won't be the biggest bubble.
I'm absolutely terrified of blowing up balloons.
You idiot. So, it's time to...
[laughter]
Can I say, we are tightly locked in the lead,
and he's asthmatic and he's frightened of balloons.
I'm feeling good.
Are you more less frightened of balloons
than of physical contact with another man?
[laughter]
Oh, I'd prefer contact with another man to...
Hold on, do we have a choice now? You didn't say that before.
[laughter]
Do we have to tie the end?
[laughter]
[applause]
So, shall we start?
[Alex] So, if you want to don your blindfolds now, please.
- Balloons are being handed out now. - [Alex] If you hold out your hands.
[Frank] Can I ask you, is this upside down?
No, that's alright. You're fine, you're good.
OK, there's your balloon.
If you drop a Swedish guy's testes into my hand...
[laughter]
Just to remind you, you must tie the balloon at the end,
and then hold it in front of you with the knot down.
Could I just check everyone else is still here?
[laughter]
Why don't you put your hand out behind Roisin
and see if you can feel a little breast? Then you'll know.
[laughter]
Oh, I'm loving this.
- Start the competition. - [whistle blows]
[Greg] Oh, lovely! Come on!
[audience shouting]
[cheering continues]
You have one minute left.
- One minute left. - [Greg] One minute left!
[laughter]
I'm terrified!
- [balloon pops] - [everyone screams]
- [Josh] Oh, my God! - [Tim screams]
You've got to keep your nerve. How many seconds left, Alex?
They have 40 seconds left.
Forty seconds!
You must tie the balloon.
Frank is tying, Frank is tying.
It's very early to be tying!
You've got 25 seconds left.
[Greg] 25 seconds left!
[Alex] They are struggling with the balloons.
Stop! Stop this. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
[Josh] What's happening?
[Alex] You've got ten seconds.
[laughter]
- Ten seconds! - [Alex] Four, three...
[Greg] One big last cheer, ten seconds left.
[audience cheers]
[blows whistle]
[applause]
[Alex] You must hold your balloon at the side now.
I'll just... That's fine.
And that...
That was one of the most terrifying things that's ever happened to me.
[laughter]
You may now take your blindfolds off.
Oh, well, I've had a nightmare.
[laughter]
I think it's safe to say Widdicombe has blown his lead.
Can you all retake your chairs, please?
Ladies and gentlemen, the balloon blowers.
[applause]
Welcome back. Incredibly tense balloon task.
Alex, who won the task?
In a lovely way, Roisin won the task.
She won the honour back, so well done Roisin.
- Roisin Conaty! - [applause]
- [Romesh] Well done. - Thank you. Thanks, guys.
Really, really nice balloon-blowing.
I was quite patronising when I said that, but I didn't mean to,
I was just pleased for your honour.
It's 'cause you'd done so badly in the all the others.
That's what I'm... Yeah.
Tim came second, although Tim didn't tie the balloon
- during the 100 seconds. - [he gasps]
[Greg] Oh, dear.
- That is a shame. - Sorry. So, what happens there?
I mean, you don't get any points in that round.
Josh Widdicombe came last, with a tiny little balloon.
Well, of course he did. Did you see the size of it?
I was hoping that I'd be the only one that didn't pop.
Romesh came second-last and Frank Skinner came third.
Wow.
- [laughter] - [applause]
But let's see how that has affected the final scores,
because someone is going home with a car, a ring,
and a whole lot of money.
Alex, can you reveal the final scores?
OK. Here we go.
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of Taskmaster,
Mr Frank Skinner.
[applause]
How do you feel?
Oh, fanta-- Is the car still registered in your name?
Yeah.
Maybe I'll do a hit-and-run on the way home.
[laughter]
I mean, why wouldn't you?
Well, thank you, everyone. Especially to you, Alex.
Thank you.
- Um, that's what it says. - [laughter]
And Frank Skinner will now go and collect his prizes.
[cheers and applause]
There you go, that's the end of the show. Thank you for watching.
Don't forget: the humblest of tasks get beautified if loving hands do them.
Never forget that.
Good night. And well done, Mr Frank Skinner!
[applause]
[audience groans]
[subtitles by tribbletown]