Hello, I am Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
You're about to witness five comedians do battle for points
with the ultimate goal of lifting my heavy golden head
above their ordinary heads, as they are crowned champion of Taskmaster.
It's a brand new series, so let's meet our brand new competitors.
They are...
Doc Brown.
Joe Wilkinson.
Jon Richardson.
Katherine Ryan.
And Richard Osman!
[applause]
I'm also joined once again by my lovely assistant, Mr Alex Horne.
Hello.
- [applause] - Really?
Welcome back, Alex. How are you?
Good, I'm feeling a lot more confident.
I've got a lot more self-belief now.
So, thank you for that.
I sort of see myself now as your au pair figure.
So I live in your house and I look after your children,
and I'm quite nice to look at. Quite pretty.
- Are you? - Do you think so?
I don't know if this is pejorative or not,
but I think you look a little bit like a pipe cleaner.
[laughter]
So the first task, as ever, is the prize task.
Today you've asked them all to bring in
their most important document.
Yes.
OK, so whoever brings in the most important document,
they'll win the first points, and whoever wins the episode,
will win all the important documents.
Doc Brown, please tell us what your most important document is.
It's my first ever, or one of the very first
full, completed rhyme books
from my time as a teenage rapper.
And who hasn't got those?
[laughter]
It's full of some of the most worthy, earnest,
annoying lyrics you've ever read.
[Greg] Do you remember any lyrics from it?
"Forget Memory Lane. I travel down Attitude Avenue."
Just fucking awful.
[cheers and applause]
Very good. Joe, what have you brought in?
What's important about your document?
Um, it's... my wedding certificate.
[audience] Ooooh.
[Greg] Wow.
Yeah, um... The thing about this is...
When I said to my missus I was going on the show
and I needed an important document,
I said, "Can I take my wedding certificate?"
and she said no.
And I brought it anyway!
[laughter and applause]
And I'm terrified of her.
[laughter]
I'm genuinely-- That's not a joke.
- I'm absolutely terrified of her, so... - [Greg] Wow.
I went big early on this one.
Great. Well, I mean, that's gonna be hard to beat.
Jon, what is your important document?
It's my certificate to say that I am a Guinness World Record holder.
- [Greg] Whoa! - [Katherine] Wow!
Shit.
[laughter]
[Greg] And what do you hold the world record in?
The highest ever stand-up comedy gig.
On a mountain?
I... did a gig on a plane.
Did anyone else do the gig with you?
Nope.
Dara Ó Briain and Jack Whitehall were there for sort of moral support.
They're both taller than you.
[laughter]
[Greg] Did they do the gig, Jon?
I was compèring the gig, so I went on first.
I think some people do genuine things to get in the Guinness World Records.
I don't think that's a genuine record.
- [audience gasps] - That's just my honest opinion.
[Doc] Shots fired.
I can't believe we're believing that Joe Wilkinson is married
and I'm getting shit.
[laughter]
Didn't expect it to be Osman who went down Attitude Avenue.
[laughter]
Katherine?
Well, my important document is worth £10,000.
I do a lot of flying and I love it when no one annoys me
on that flight by doing something like stand-up comedy.
[laughter]
- Because I would be trapped. - [Greg] Right.
I fly so much for work that I have accrued enough points
to earn a companion voucher.
Any one of you could win it, and that means that wherever you go,
even if it's first class, you could take anyone you like with you,
and they travel for free. What a baller you will seem like.
[Doc] That's amazing.
[Richard] That's actually a good prize.
[Doc] That's a great prize.
Richard?
Like Jon, I've got something that is so important to me,
it's on my living room wall.
Unlike Jon, I actually have a half- decent Guinness World Record.
[everyone gasps]
Et tu, Brute?
Actually verified and all sorts of things.
Didn't have to go on a plane.
Nerd alert.
Yeah, for naming capital cities in a minute, live on television.
- [Joe groans] - Yeah, I know.
Yeah, lovely.
- You have to make a decision now. - I'm gonna make a very quick decision.
Do you want to go from least important to most important?
[Greg] Er, no. I'm putting Joe in first place.
What?
[cheers and applause]
I mean, the idea of you being alone
just saddens me so much, I can't bear it.
It's five points!
That marriage is a sham anyway.
I'm putting Doc Brown in second place.
[applause]
And I'm slamming the other three in joint third place. That's my plan.
NO!
[laughter]
Do you want me to put you in third place, Katherine?
Yes, please. Alone.
[Greg] OK. I will, yeah.
- [Richard] Alone? - [Joe laughs]
I'll give Katherine third place and put the others--
So you're putting the two world record holders in last?
- In fourth. - OK.
[laughter and applause]
Time for the first proper action task.
"Place these three exercise balls on the yoga mat..."
"...on the top of that hill."
That hill?
"The task is complete when all three balls
sit fully inflated and stationary on the mat."
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now." Up there?
Are you serious?
[laughter]
Um, daunting task?
Not if you've worked at altitude before.
[laughter and applause]
Well, you know, it's an exciting task. I'm looking forward to--
Shall we just see some?
OK. Do you want to see the two Js?
Do you want to see Joe and Jon?
- I do. - OK. Here they are.
"Your time starts now."
- That hill? - Yes, please.
Up there? Are you serious?
Argh!
No!
Argh! Come here, ball.
[he pants]
Oh, God.
Ah, shit!
Ah, fuck...
[he pants]
[Alex] Two minutes, Joe!
What?
[Alex] You've had two minutes.
Ah, shut up!
No!
No.
NO!
[laughter and applause]
Augh!
Ah!
[he huffs]
[laughter]
Oh! Ffff--
[laughter]
Ugh!
[Jon] Prick!
[laughter]
[panting] Fucking hate hills.
[panting]
Just had to go back for the other ball.
Yes, I saw that.
[Alex] There we go.
[Joe] Done?
[Alex] Done! Stop the clock.
Well, thank you, Jon.
Fuck you, Alex.
[laughter and applause]
I mean, I don't know how you feel watching it back,
but it occurs to me that my seven-year-old niece
would've come up with a better plan than
"I'm going to hold two and kick one up."
[laughter]
I kicked one of them, admittedly. I tried to carry two.
I think I tried to kick all three.
- Yeah. - [laughter]
- Forward-thinking. - Yeah.
I thought, "I'm not carrying those."
[laughter]
Your total score was nine minutes and one second.
Or you can round that up to ten minutes.
- If you want to. - If you want to, yeah.
Yeah, and we do want to.
[laughter]
Jon, six minutes 37.
So that's nearly 15 minutes.
- [Alex] Yeah. - [laughter]
- If you round it up. - Quarter of an hour.
[Alex] About an hour.
How many minutes do we add
for him insulting the Taskmaster's assistant?
- That's me! - Yeah.
I liked it.
[laughter]
- [Alex] Happy with that. - [Greg] Fair enough.
Let's see some more. Who's next?
Uh, the more glamorous... Doc and Katherine?
- [Greg] Yeah. - [Alex] Yeah?
It's gonna be windier up there than it is down here.
Might as well take two balls.
Has someone already tried to carry all three at once?
Don't think I can do three. [he chuckles]
Do you guys feel like going up to the top of the hill
and just keeping these from blowing away?
[women] Yeah!
I just need them to be stationary on a yoga mat.
That's so kind of you.
And I think that some strong women working together
is the fastest way to do anything.
[laughter]
So, all three...
just need to sit here.
If you keep those there, I'll get the other one.
Thanks, ladies.
No!
No. Fuck!
Shit!
[he yells]
[laughter]
You don't feel like doing me a huge favour, do you?
Could you wait and just make sure these don't roll down?
I'm just gonna run and get the ball, and that is it.
And you can go about your day.
Just give me two minutes, please.
Don't let the ball roll down.
[laughter]
Hello, ladies! So, all we've got to do...
is get these on that mat.
We can sit on them.
It doesn't say don't sit on them.
[Alex] OK, I've stopped the clock.
Well done.
- Yeah, there you are! - [they giggle]
[Alex] OK.
Well done, Doc.
You OK?
Yeah. I feel good.
[applause]
I mean, very impressive to get a feminist statement of power
into a game involving getting plastic balls on top of a hill.
And I love the way you charmed them.
You had the strategy straight away, right?
- Yes. - Get some people, get some help.
And I didn't ask them to carry any balls.
I carried all the balls myself.
[Greg] I saw that.
Doc, you looked like you had a massive game plan to me
at the beginning, because you went
"Ah!" [snaps fingers] "OK."
"It's gonna be windy up there."
That gave me some hope, because you were thinking.
Mm-hm.
And then you used the old
"Put the tiny rock on the massive ball..."
[laughter]
I realised immediately, when I got up there,
that even just getting a decent- sized rock out of the ground
was gonna be impossible, so I was trying to pull
tiny pebbles out of the ground to keep 'em stable.
Give us some times for these good people.
Doc made three trips up and down
and took 12 minutes, 25 seconds.
[Greg] Oh, wow!
I was expecting that to be good.
[laughter]
Katherine, she has got six minutes 37 to beat.
- She took seven minutes 36. - NO!
- [Greg] Oh, no way! - Did I?
What were you doing?
[Alex] She walked-- She walked--
"She walked" is the end of that sentence.
- She walked? - Yeah.
Just Richard Osman to go.
I'd imagine you just reached up and placed them
up there with your big hands, didn't you?
[laughter]
We'll find out after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster, where four comedians
- and Richard Osman... - [laughter]
...are playing for Joe Wilkinson's marriage certificate.
Alex, please remind us what's been happening.
Well, so far, Jon Richardson has been the fastest,
despite having some of the shortest legs in comedy,
and it's just Richard Osman to go.
Can we see how Richard did?
Yes, we can. Have a look.
Um, now... How am I gonna do this?
It's going to be impossible, right?
Right, let me have a little read of that again.
Hoo! That's a long way up, right?
Oh, no.
Quite steep, isn't it, Richard?
Yeah, yeah. I was so tempted to use this as a sledge.
Um...
Done.
It's really steep.
[cheers and applause]
Is Richard Osman, um...
a genius, or should that not be allowed?
There's definitely something in there about the balls and up the hill.
What was the exact challenge?
"Place these three exercise balls on the yoga mat...
on the top of that hill."
- [Joe] Ooh! - [Katherine] Yeah!
- [Doc] Oh, yes! - [Richard] On the yoga mat...
That is on top of that hill.
I mean, is there any way of knowing for sure
whether he was in the spirit of the challenge?
I think it matters what Susie Dent thinks.
OOH!
- [Katherine] Whoa! - [Greg] Look out!
- So we asked Susie Dent. - She's from Countdown.
So, she said the wording of the task is open to interpretation.
She said, "It's the classically ambiguous English prepositional phrase."
Which is the title of my new rap album.
[laughter]
She finishes by saying, "I'd say how Richard decided to understand it
is unusual, but not impossible."
No!
[applause]
Joe, you know Susie, right?
I know Susie and she has a few too many of them.
[laughter]
[Greg] She does!
If she read that in the evening, I would discount it.
[laughter]
This is the way I see it.
Susie Dent knows what she's talking about
and Richard Osman used his imagination.
So, as far as I'm concerned, he wins that task.
[cheers and applause]
I think we should see another task.
OK. It's gonna be a heady mix
of sport and vegetables.
Potato? My fave.
Pffft.
"Get this potato into the golf hole."
"You may not touch the red... green."
"You may not touch... the red... green."
I get one shot at this?
[Alex] No?
OK.
Oh, but if I throw it, I can't go on it, right?
Oho, that's clever!
So it's like a one--
Oh, man. Oh, man. You're kidding me.
I mean, with a task like this, it was made pretty clear
that they're not allowed to touch the red green, right?
Yes.
So the one thing you wouldn't do
is you wouldn't just throw the potato
at the hole and hope for the best?
No, otherwise the potato would just be stranded.
It'd be stranded.
- You wouldn't be able to retrieve it. - You wouldn't be able to get to it.
So you'd think of a way round that.
I mean, no one would just do that, right?
Who do you want to see first? Katherine and Richard?
- Yes, please. - OK.
[laughter]
Well, now how am I gonna get it?
[Alex] Dunno.
I could risk it.
Ahh, I'm gonna have to get something.
[quietly] Stupid...
[laughter]
[applause]
Should've thought of that a while before, right?
No!
[Alex] Ooh.
Not losing him again.
What's the plan?
I'm gonna tie this potato...
Sort of give it a lead, so I don't lose it again.
We all love a game of Get the Potato in the Hole.
It's an old Irish game.
[Alex] And you're happy you didn't touch the red green?
I don't think I did.
[laughter]
Not that time.
No problem.
YEAH!
- [Alex] Do you feel good? - [Katherine] I feel great.
- Want your wellies back? - Yes, please.
Can I touch the red green now?
[applause]
My initial impulse was...
Where did you get those wellies? They're awesome.
And then that was quickly replaced by, "What happened?"
When you worked out a system...
that you could move the green.
Yeah.
You just moved it a little bit...
[laughter]
"Yeah, that'll do. I'm gonna tie a potato to some string."
Oh, no...
I felt like, unlike Richard Osman,
I should respect the red green.
And, like, play the game.
I mean, you've invented a great game, Potato String.
[laughter]
Unfortunately for you, it's owned by the makers of this programme.
[laughter]
This is why I'm really bad sports.
I just can't work it out.
I just can't, like...
M-m-most of sports is, like...
[laughter]
[Richard] Can we have some time out for Katherine?
[audience] Awww.
Thank you.
Most of sports--
[laughter]
I feel like the crux of every sport that I see is...
[Greg] Yeah.
[laughter]
...is getting the ball in the hole.
Yeah.
[she sobs]
I don't care where the ball goes.
[laughter]
I don't care.
No.
Like I'll never jump in front of a ball
or like, hurt myself. I don't get it.
[laughter]
I'm the same, and when I inevitably take over as king of this country,
I'm gonna ban football.
[laughter]
So Richard's in the lead. Two minutes 13 in total.
And Katherine, six minutes 28.
Not bad.
[applause]
- Who's next? - Doc and Jon.
[Greg] Uh-oh. What's wrong, Doc?
[laughter]
Up and in.
Ahh, shhh--
Bastard.
Can't get on the red though, can I?
How do I retrieve the potato?
I didn't think about that.
[laughter]
Threw too early.
Oh, I'm screwed now.
Now, this is obviously gonna add to my time, but...
Unless one of those other jammy guys
gets a hole in one, I reckon I'll be alright.
Bastard.
This could take a while.
- [laughter] - Yes!
[Alex] We're back to square one.
Yeah.
Ah-eeee!
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] You stuck with your method.
Yeah, chucking it in the hole.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[Doc laughs]
What you got? I'm feeling confident.
Yeah, man. I'm gonna keep this.
For later tasks.
Woo!
[applause]
So pleased.
Not many people would have the balls to call people out
with a crutch gaffer-taped to a walking stick...
gaffer-taped to a funnel.
[laughter]
The thing is, Greg, I just...
I love sport so much.
[laughter]
I mean, Jon, do you really run like that?
[laughter]
He did get it in on his third attempt.
It took him one minute and nine seconds.
[applause]
How long did the shit Dalek take?
[laughter]
He took six minutes and 59 seconds.
Wow, I thought it took longer.
[applause]
So, it's just--
Just Joe Wilkinson to go.
Let's find out how he did in part three.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where Katherine Ryan is desperately trying to win
her own flight companion voucher.
Alex, where are we?
Well, they've all been throwing potatoes into a golf hole.
[Greg] Yes, they have.
And once again, Jon Richardson is in the lead despite having the littlest legs.
And we've just got Joe to see.
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
Oh! We're off.
Er...
What if I don't-- If I can't--
If I don't get it...?
There we go.
[cheers and applause]
[Joe] Didn't think that would happen, did you?
[Alex] 14.3 seconds.
[cheering continues]
[Joe] I didn't think that through at all.
- No, you didn't. - [they laugh]
Well done, Joe.
[he sniffs] Really emotional.
I think that's the best thing I've ever done.
It's a good shot.
Cheers. Just gonna pop that in there.
- Job done. - Alright, see you in a bit.
- Yeah, cheers. - Well done, Joe.
[Joe cackles]
Ah. Yeah.
- Bye, Joe. - Cheers.
[cheers and applause]
I mean, I don't know how you feel, Katherine,
but it made me like sport.
It's incredible. Talk us through it.
How were you feeling?
Instincts.
Gut laser-like accuracy.
Yeah, and then, I thought, "Piece of piss."
[laughter]
Did it another 17 times after that.
What I liked is what you said to Alex.
I don't know if you heard that, but you went,
"Yeah, you didn't think that was gonna happen, did you?"
Like you did.
[laughter]
It's incredible. It's so incredible, I'd personally love to see it again.
- Do you want to see it again? - [audience] Yeah!
[Alex] OK, here it is again.
[everyone gasps]
[Doc] That's joyous.
[everyone gasps]
[audience roars]
Guys, sometimes it's hard to be the Taskmaster.
[laughter]
Sometimes you've got to crush dreams.
That's the most exciting bit of sport I've ever seen in my life.
Shut up, mate. It's not like you're going
back to an empty house.
[laughter]
Please don't take it away from me.
[audience laughs and groans]
Please. Please.
[laughter]
I got a real sense of power then, for a second.
Joe, it's awful, because clearly you've got...
You've got an awful home life, we've established that already.
Can I just, speaking as a fellow competitor,
I thought it was an incredible achievement...
[Greg] Alright, well--
If I'd done what he had done
I would have wanted the five points.
That's my view, so I'd be happy to cede it to Joe.
But, you know, it's up to you.
It's really strange, though, isn't it?
That's a really impassioned and eloquent argument,
but it makes me more inclined to take it off him.
[laughter]
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, and it's unprecedented,
and don't think we're gonna do this for the rest of the series,
'cause we're not. It's a one-off.
I'm gonna allow your fellow competitors to decide.
[audience] Oooh.
[Alex] Oh, dear me.
Good luck, mate.
[laughter]
We should send Joe out of the room and take a vote.
Yeah, you should go.
[audience groans]
- I mean, I feel... - [Alex laughs]
[laughter]
Four of you there, you've got one vote.
So, I guess, raise your hand if you'd like
Joe to win despite the...
[audience gasps]
So, you don't think Joe should get it?
No.
I think...
If you really analyse the slow-mo.
Those couple of centimetres that he gains over the red...
Were you to take them away and it be a clean shot...
that potato would've been all rim and bounced out.
[laughter]
Even that was lyrical, wasn't it?
"That potato would've been all rim and bounced out."
I'm telling you, those centimetres were a crucial advantage.
Do you want to bring him back in and deliver your verdict?
Yeah, yeah. Go on.
He can come back in but he can't step on the red.
[laughter]
Come back, Joe.
[cheers and applause]
- [Greg] Joe... - Yep?
I gave your fellow contestants the opportunity to save you,
and they were unable to conclusively do that.
Therefore, on this occasion,
I'm going to have to say that your attempt
was null and void. I apologise.
[audience] Aww. Boo!
- [Richard] We did our best. - [Katherine] Not cool.
That is harsh. That's harsh.
[laughter]
This is fucking harsh, I'm just saying!
[Doc] Harsh.
We fought for you, mate, but...
[laughter]
Alex, how has that affected our scoreboard?
I mean, you've gone up in my respect.
If that was even possible.
I just think you're a wonderful person.
Thanks, mate.
The scoreboard now looks like this.
He's gone from first...
- to last. - [audience groans]
OK, I think we'll have another task
just to try and lift the mood after that
unexpectedly genuinely harrowing moment.
[laughter]
Alex, what have we got next?
OK. We've got some language difficulties.
Have a look.
Alright?
Alright.
[tapping fingernails]
You look Swedish or something.
Yep.
[mouths silently] Who's that?
[laughter]
"Find out the following information from this Swedish person."
I thought you were Swedish.
"Find out the following information from this Swedish person."
Well, I nailed that! I already know all about you.
"The Swedish person may not speak or write in English."
"Fastest, most accurate, wins."
[he sighs]
[laughter]
"Time starts now."
Hello.
- Hi. - Hi.
Interesting. I wonder if that'll affect the mood towards Joe there,
because the sigh as soon as he found out the gentleman was Swedish
was bordering on racist.
[laughter]
I don't like 'em!
[laughter]
Shall we see clever clogs' attempt?
OK, we'll start with the big guys, Richard and Joe.
Yes.
What's your date of birth?
[Fred speaks Swedish]
OK.
[laughter]
The eighth month. So, that's August, right?
Ja.
[he speaks Swedish]
Second of August...
[speaking Swedish]
Nine... nineteen.
Åttioett.
Eighty-eight!
[laughter]
Right.
50, 60, 70,
80, 81.
Ja.
Excellent.
If I pay you money, will you speak in English?
[laughter]
You would? Is that "aye"? Is that "no"?
Nej.
Nej? Shit.
Father's job again, is a...
[he speaks Swedish]
Yeah, no chance there.
Can you do a mime of what his job is?
Ja.
Can you act it out for me?
Painter decorator.
Ja.
Oh, God. I should have-- That's so easy!
You frightened of anything?
[he speaks Swedish]
Yep, me too.
[laughter]
Your greatest fear. Is your greatest fear...
an animal of some sort?
Nej.
Is it heights?
Nej.
Can it be described in one word?
Ja.
Yep. Is the first letter between M and P?
Ja.
Is the first letter P?
Nej.
Is the first letter M?
Ja.
Is the second letter a vowel?
Ja.
This is mental.
Um, your greatest fear.
What was your greatest fear again?
Misslyckas.
[he chuckles] It does sound like--
It sounded like arse-licking.
[laughter]
Probably very offensive. Sorry.
Um, say it again?
[he speaks Swedish]
Yep.
Arse-licking...
This is insane.
"Miss..." Hold on. M-I-S-S-L-Y...
Am I missing something obvious here, Alex?
[Alex] Sort of.
So, is it a fear of, uh...
[he exhales]
How does it-- How do I get any points?
- I? - Nej.
- J? - Nej.
- K? - Ja.
L-Y-C-K...
This is not in English, right?
[Alex] As in it's not in English. You're right.
Oh, so I'm not gonna know what the answer is.
[laughter]
I cannot think of a way of getting this information out of you.
Do you know the word in English?
Ja.
How many letters is it-- Has it--
How-- Oh, God.
Can't cope. Genuinely can't cope with this any more.
- Is it G? - Nej.
- H? - Nej.
- I? - Yep.
Fear of failure.
[he exhales]
Blimey, that's ironic.
[laughter and applause]
And if there was any debate about who of our contestants
would make the worst UN ambassador...
[laughter]
[Greg] There he is, right there. Incredible.
I hated him.
[laughter]
I could see that in both your eyes and your movements.
[Greg] And the fact that the only thing
you managed to establish was that
he didn't have an opinion on arse-licking.
[laughter]
Yep. Half a point?
[laughter]
Very impressive from you, Mr Osman.
Oh, it took a long time.
Give me some statistics.
Well, Richard was slow. He took 17 minutes
but he got all six items of information correct.
Whereas, Joe, you were quicker.
Thanks.
You gave up after 16 minutes and 20 seconds,
after getting all six wrong.
I think it was both our faults.
What's next?
Do you want to see the little guys? Doc and Jon.
I wanna see, oh, little...
[squeaky voice] Oh, little Jon Richardson!
[laughter]
What is your father's job?
[he replies in Swedish]
He's an animal?
A vet?
Målare.
- "Molar ray"? - Ja.
- Dentist? - Nej.
Can you show me with your hands
what your father does at work?
Ooh, he's a croupier!
[laughter]
Oh, he's a painter and decorator! Amazing.
Croupier. Fucking idiot.
[laughter]
[he chuckles]
I've really got to change my lifestyle.
[laughter]
A lawyer?
Nej.
Estate agent?
Nej.
A teacher?
Nej.
Shit. Is he unemployed?
Nej.
Is he a poet?
Nej.
Pretend to be your dad.
Arrive at work and do what your dad does.
A painter!
Motherfucker.
[laughter]
What would you say...
to describe me?
[he speaks Swedish]
Finished?
Ja.
Yeah, I don't know if that's an insult or not.
[he speaks Swedish]
[laughter]
Attractive?
[Jon stifles laughter]
Quite tall?
Nej.
Is it to do with my height?
[he speaks Swedish]
Quite small?
Ja.
Yeah. Quite small. Short-haired?
This is not good for my self-esteem.
Did you describe me as tall?
Nej.
Brown?
Nej.
[quietly] Thank you.
Friendly?
[both laugh]
No. OK. Maybe it was an insult.
- Hair? - Nej.
- Ears? - Nej.
- Eyes? - Ja.
Eyes!
Brown eyes?
Nej.
- Small eyes. - Nej.
Evil eyes?
[he speaks Swedish]
- Kind eyes? - Ja.
Kind eyes! That's nice.
Fun chat. It's a lovely language, isn't it, Swedish?
I wish I understood it.
I'd have really cut that time down.
[Fred speaks Swedish]
[applause]
I mean, a lot to enjoy there, wasn't there?
From, er, from the world-famous
croupier mime.
[laughter]
I mean, what was said about Jon by our Swede?
He has kind eyes.
[Alex] Short hair.
[Greg] He's shorter than average. We know that.
Little beard.
- [Doc] Little beard. - Little beard.
Quite a lot of information being thrown at you.
And yet, another man...
just short hair. Bam.
[Greg] Nailed. Done.
- But Doc never got that. - [Doc] No, I never got it.
And Jon did get his way to that.
So he was longer, but he was more accurate.
How well did Doc do?
He was very quick. He only took about ten minutes.
Just over ten minutes, but he only got half the questions right.
Oh, that makes sense.
There was more chemistry with Doc
- than with any of the others. - Yeah, we got on.
- I could sense, like... - You got on very well.
There was one moment where you'd attempted
certain strategies, and then you went
incredibly flirtatious with him.
Just with one word.
Do you want to see it? "Friendly"?
Oh, yeah. "Friendly".
Friendly?
[saxophone plays]
[laughter and applause]
You can't fake that chemistry.
[laughter]
I got his number, though, so who's laughing now?
Yeah, you got the number wrong.
[laughter and applause]
Did we have some statistics for Jon?
I don't know whether you...
Er, yes. Fifteen minutes 26.
So he was the quickest, but he only got five right.
He never got misslyckas correct.
I didn't know. I didn't know.
OK. We'll see Katherine and the Swede shortly.
Plus, after the break, all five will
take to our stage for the final task of the show.
Welcome back to the final part of Taskmaster,
where four comics and one television presenter slash producer...
[laughter]
...will soon find out who has won
not one but two Guinness World Record certificates.
Yes! But first we need to see Katherine
tackling the current task of finding out some information
from our Swedish friend, Fred,
who is refusing to speak English.
OK.
I'll call my friend, Sofie Hagen. She's really cool.
[Alex] You're trying to call a Danish person?
Yeah, uh... It's the same, I think.
[Sofie] Hi, Katherine!
- Hi, how are you? - How are you?
I'm gonna pass you to Fredrik
who is gonna say some things in Swedish.
If you understand any Swedish from your Danish...
[Sofie] Oh, God.
Can you just tell me what he's saying?
I'm gonna ask him what his greatest fear is.
Fredrik, what's your greatest fear?
[he speaks Swedish]
[Sofie] Oh, "fail"?
Failing? To fail. He's got a fear of failure.
Ja.
Great. Good job, Sofie.
And now I'm gonna ask him his father's job.
[he speaks Swedish]
[Sofie] Your dad's a painter?
Ja.
Great.
And now I'm gonna ask him his favourite food.
[he speaks Swedish]
[Sofie] OK, I got fried onion...
Uh-huh?
Some kind of meatball.
Steak?
Oh, wait, it wasn't steak.
Roast beef?
Nej.
No, it's not roast beef. Is it, like, a stew?
Nej.
Is it, like... ground beef?
Ja.
Oh, so he likes ground beef.
Like, Hamburger Helper type of thing?
Ja.
"Cooked po-ta-tos" is gonna be cooked potatoes.
Ja.
Fried onions.
Was there anything else, Fredrik?
- Lingon... - Oh, yeah, you said lingons at the end.
Mushrooms?
Lingons...
Lingon.
Thank you, Sofie Hagen.
OK, "lingon".
Swedish-English dictionary.
[laughter]
Is it a berry?
Mm-hm.
It is?
Like, it's a kind of berry called "lingon"?
Yep.
Er, a strawberry? Blackberry?
Nej.
Raspberry? Cranberry sauce?
[laughter]
Blueberries?
Nej.
You're having a berry, though.
Lingon. Lingon.
Lingonberry.
It's like a kind of berry in of itself?
- It has no translation. - [he speaks Swedish]
So, that's it.
Ja. Lingon.
Ja.
- Lingonberry! - Ja!
So, are we done here?
Ja.
[laughter and applause]
So, I win? Ah, thank you.
Nice to meet you. Yeah.
[applause]
I mean, why you felt the need to phone a Danish friend
when you were able to translate things alone with...
"Cooked po-ta-tos," for example.
[laughter]
The way that you untangled that was incredible.
[laughter]
Statistically, how did Katherine get on?
Well, despite the lingonberry blind spot, she was still quick.
Fifteen minutes 41 and she got them all right.
- [Alex] So she won the task. - [Greg] Aahh.
[applause]
Richard also got them all right but was slower.
And then Jon Richardson got one wrong, but took only 15 minutes.
So it goes one, two, three, then Doc.
[Alex] And so, um, yeah.
[laughter]
[Greg] Joe was last, right?
Joe was last. Yeah, Joe was last.
- Yeah, sorry. Joe was last. - Good, good.
- Sorry, by a long way. - Yeah.
[laughter]
We've got some support workers out there. It'll be fine.
We've only paid for them for 48 hours, but...
you'll be safe for those two days.
Oh, it's hot, innit?
[laughter]
So all that means that the scoreboard now,
with one task to go, looks like this.
[Joe] Smashing.
[applause]
Tantalising, but we need one more task to sort this out.
Will you all please head to the stage
for the final task of the show?
[cheers and applause]
And there they all are.
Doc, can you please read the final task out?
- There we go, Doc. - Alright.
"Pack for your holiday."
"All items must either be packed in your
hand luggage or worn on your body."
[laughter]
"Fastest wins."
OK, so everything's gotta be either in there with the zip shut
or worn as if you were checking in.
You need to be checked in.
Simple as that. Packing for a holiday, fastest wins.
Any questions, contestants?
Could we take our blouses off?
[laughter]
No.
OK.
When you've finished, just stand next to your bags.
Good luck. You ready, Joe?
Your time starts-- [blows whistle] Now!
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] Oh, that won't shut. It's got to shut, Richard.
It'll shut, don't worry about that.
Katherine, all these sweets have to go in.
- [Richard] I'm done, I think, Alex. - A lot of sweets. Are we done?
[Richard] I think so.
I don't think you're wearing the bucket. You can't wear a bucket.
You can wear a bucket.
- Is he wearing a bucket? - I think so.
[cheers and applause]
You can't wear a spade! You can't wear a spade.
What?
[laughter]
[Alex laughs]
He's not wearing the piñata!
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] That's got to be shut.
- Gotta do the zip up, please. - Not even gonna try.
[Alex] You have to shut it.
I'm wearing it as a ring!
There's a lot of sweets. There's a lot of sweets.
[laughter]
- [Alex] OK, are you done? - [Katherine] Yeah.
Katherine Ryan is done!
[cheers and applause]
I think two people have given up,
so I think that's probably...
[blows whistle]
[Greg] There it is!
[applause]
What a horrendous mess that was.
Alex, did that go as planned?
It went exactly as planned.
I can tell you Katherine came in third with two minutes 34.
- Nice. - We're happy with her outfit.
She was wearing the piñata as a bracelet.
- As an accessory, yep. - Perfectly acceptable.
Jon, two minutes and four seconds in second place.
Richard won with one minute and 18 seconds.
And these two didn't finish! They didn't finish.
It just went to form though, really, didn't it?
You were a fabulously destructive force on that.
Yeah, well, I just felt I had nothing to play for.
You know? And then I thought I'd cut my knuckle,
- so I just laid into the piñata. - [Greg] Oh, man.
Imagine the angry piñata-based rap you're gonna come up with.
[laughter]
Let's find out the final scores
so that the winner can finally get their hands on those
important documents.
[laughter]
We've totted it up and we can now see the final league table.
[gasps and applause]
A triumph for Richard Osman.
Please go up and collect your documents!
[applause]
Well, thank you, Alex.
Thank you, Greg.
Thank me.
Yes, you're right. Thank me.
And what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt that life can be cruel.
One day you're a happily married sporting hero,
and the next, you're a lonely, potato-throwing cheat...
[laughter]
...with no future.
[laughter]
We've also learnt that tonight's episode
is won by Mr Richard Osman!
[cheers and applause]
[Richard] Thank you.
Thank you, everybody. Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]