Hello there! I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
Five of the nation's most competitive comedians
are going head to head in hope of winning
my head in all its golden glory.
[audience] Wooo!
Yes, at the end of all five episodes,
one of them will be awarded the Taskmaster trophy
and that person's career will at last take off.
[they laugh]
Let's meet our contestants. They are...
Al Murray!
Dave Gorman!
Paul Chowdhry!
Rob Beckett!
Sara Pascoe!
And next to me, on his slightly smaller throne,
is Alex Horne. But...
who is Alex Horne?
Mm-hm. Well, you've given me some notes,
and according to your notes that you've written...
I'm your official secretary.
I have some skills and an equal number of weaknesses.
For example, I steal things.
So that's, uh, my résumé that you wrote.
Aw, that's true, isn't it?
Have you ever stolen anything?
- Yes. - What?
I've stolen a- a car.
No, in real life.
I stole a car.
[laughter]
Yeah, last year.
- Oh, recently, as well? - Yeah, yeah.
So it wasn't, like, childish hi-jinks.
No, it was unlocked and the keys were in the ignition,
and I stole a car.
[laughter]
Er, on with the show. Um...
Today's prize category.
What have these people brought in for me?
OK, it's quite a niche one this time.
The five rivals have been asked to bring in
the heaviest item that can fit in a shoe box.
OK? So whoever brings in the heaviest item
that can fit in a shoe box, they'll win the first
maximum points of the show.
Whoever wins the episode will win five
shoe boxes full of heavy items.
[Greg whistles] All to play for.
Where to start?
Paul. Hello.
How you doing, man?
[laughter]
[low voice] I'm doing better now.
What heavy item did you bring,
and why am I gonna give you all the points for it?
Because, uh, it's heavy.
[Greg] Really? What is it?
Melon, innit?
[laughter and applause]
A lot of melon.
It is a lot of melon.
'Cause it's a watermelon.
[laughter]
Is melon something traditionally
associated with heavy weight?
I mean, I think...
[laughter]
I think of words that I would pop before "weight"
- to emphasise the heaviness. - I just love melons.
I'd say "lead", maybe.
Lead...
Melon.
Melon...
Who shall we have a look at next? Dave?
Yeah, I brought a lump of marble
that I dug out of my garden.
[Greg whistles]
[Sara] Oh, that looks heavy.
You've got a garden full of marble, yeah?
We had a garden that was massively overgrown
when we moved in, and we had to clear it all.
And I think it was a collapsed sort of
bird table or something.
[Greg] It would've been nice if you could've taken
some time to scrub that bird shit off it.
[laughter]
Um, Al. What did Al bring us?
I brought Alan Bullock's classic history,
Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives.
'Cause that is really, really heavy.
[laughter and applause]
Wow.
It's pretty offensive, but why have you
censored out the shoe box instead?
[laughter]
The shoe box has got its own Hitler moustache.
Suddenly melon seems fine, don't it?
Sara, what did you bring in?
I have brought a poisonous snake.
It's very heavy, so the lid is shut.
- [Greg] OK. - And it's very poisonous.
Have we weighed the snake?
Well, no. I wasn't allowed to approach the box.
I was told there needed to be a handler.
So we don't... I haven't weighed it.
I think it's about... How much was the marble?
[Alex] 27 kilograms.
I think this is about 32.
[laughter]
Well, it's up to you, isn't it?
Well, if it hasn't been weighed,
then it's null and void, right?
Well, she said it was 32.
Yeah.
I just about whether you trust me or not.
Oh, I don't.
[laughter]
Rob?
Oh, yeah. I've got some concrete.
- [Greg] Oh, yeah? - [laughter]
I tell you, that cat...
will not leave me alone.
So that's it, innit? Rob's from south-east London.
Bish, bash, bosh. Fill it full of concrete. Done.
- [Greg] OK. - [Alex] Good luck with this.
Er, shall I go in last place?
You? You're putting yourself in last?
[laughter]
[Alex] Yeah, OK.
- Words. They've very tricky, aren't they? - You wouldn't fit in that.
I'm gonna put Sara because I've not been able to weigh her snake.
- I'm sorry. - OK. No, no, don't apologise.
In fourth place, I, um...
Guess what? I'm putting Paul Chowdhry
for putting some fucking melon in a box.
[laughter]
Whilst I appreciate Al's cunning,
- I'm gonna Al in third place... - [Al groans]
because there's not enough history
to that definition of "heavy".
"What? That'll do."
[laughter]
Number one is Dave.
He brought the heaviest thing in. Bam.
[cheers and applause]
OK, on with the next task.
Please, Alex.
Here we go. Hold on to your hats
or put your hats away. Here it is.
Right.
What have we here?
Is it gonna pop up?
That was out of order, man.
Scary clown. D'you wanna see his horrible face?
It's like Saw, innit?
[Jigsaw voice] Tonight we're gonna play a game.
Little things are more fun, ain't they?
[he laughs]
"Surprise Alex..."
"Surprise Alex when he emerges from his shed in one hour."
"Your time starts... now."
Could I move the shed?
[laughter]
Oh, that was what this is a metaphor for.
Like, it's a surprise.
How far away do his family live?
Go and kidnap his children from school.
If he comes out the shed and there they are,
that would surprise him, wouldn't it?
[Al cackles]
Are his kids in school?
What if we kidnapped his kids
- and tied them to a chair... - [laughter]
outside the shed? I mean, that would surprise him!
[applause]
The first thing we should address is Al and Sara.
I would argue, if Alex came out of his shed
and his children were just there
that would be quite a surprise.
And yet both of you...
wanted to take them against their will.
[laughter]
Didn't you suggest tying them up as well, Sara?
It's 'cause kids wiggle around.
You have to keep them in their place.
[Greg] D'you know who I wanna see first?
[Alex] Yes, I do.
- Paul Chowdhry. - OK.
[Alex] We can do that.
[Greg] Let's see how Paul's mind works.
[clock ticking]
[he chuckles] OK.
I feel like there's something...
[Paul yells]
That's horrible.
Blood on the thing. Yeah, that's good.
That's good. That's horrendous.
Brown Clown.
Brown Clown. Is that what you're called?
Well, thank you for that, Brown Clown.
[applause]
[Sara] Very scary. - [Dave] Very good, very good.
That's Paul debuting his new children's character...
Brown Clown.
[laughter]
Given that Alex had sort of set the task
and we'd put a clown in a box...
Like a human one, innit?
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
Sure, I knew that was you.
[laughter]
You won't be able to get a brown clown in that small box,
so I thought, if I did the real thing...
You were pretty surprised, innit?
I mean, I was quite surprised.
So, I'd been in there for an hour.
This is what I do. I go in there, I do my secretarial duties.
I knitted you some little booties.
- Aw, thanks. - [audience] Aww!
Yeah, couple of them.
They're nice, thank you.
I came out and I saw the box,
and I was surprised to see the box,
but I did think there's probably a clown in the box.
[Greg] Yeah.
If there was a surprise-o-meter, how high would it have gone?
It's a massive "if".
[laughter]
- Big if, innit? - Yeah.
- About that high. - That high?
I wanna know how long you were in the box
hiding as the Brown Clown for?
About 45 minutes.
[laughter]
Do you want to move on to Sara?
I mean, honestly?
I wanna stay here all night.
[laughter]
Ohh. I love you, Paul.
Yeah, let's move on to Sara.
OK.
I mean, presumably, someone's gonna get hurt.
Yeah, someone did. Let's have a look.
[bloodcurdling screams]
[screams fading]
[laughter]
Yeah...
I guess I should be concerned.
You alright, Joel?
What do you do? You tickle them?
Shall I untie you? Can you hear me?
Ugh... it's horrible.
[applause]
When I set the task...
and after you'd all completed them...
I don't get many details, but I did ask Alex
which ones he thought were surprising.
And he said, and this is a direct quote,
he said, "For the smallest part of a second..."
"I did think maybe Sara had killed someone."
[laughter]
That's how competitive I am.
Never do a surprise birthday party.
For the kids.
- "Wanna see a cake?" - "Surprise!"
"Oh, it's the head of a rabbit."
[Greg] What about the surprise-o-meter?
I mean, I don't quite know what shape
the surpriseometer is.
It's the surprise-o-METER.
- Oh, sorry. - [laughter]
I guess, on the surprise-o-meter,
it's about the same as the clown.
OK. It was a valiant and disturbing effort.
Who's next? Al's?
- Let's have a look at a Al's. - Here is Al Murray's attempt.
[clock ticking]
[alarm rings]
[AIR HORN HONKS]
[GONG CRASHES]
[AIR HORNS CONTINUE]
[GONG CRASHES]
I think that was more surprising than that.
[Alex] That's really surprising.
The gong?
What, this?
You've not seen it before.
[Alex] Lovely physique, but that... look at that.
I mean, the dong and the gong.
[toots horns]
How many horns?
[Al] Four.
Yep.
You're a four-horn surprise.
[rings gong]
[applause]
[Sara] Amazing!
We didn't provide that gong for Al.
No, Al has the slight advantage of
living near the Taskmaster house,
so he could source a gong within an hour.
I play drums on the side and I knew that there's a...
there's a gong rental place...
[laughter]
up the road.
Al, I thought it was phenomenal and awful.
Surprise-o-meter?
I mean, genuinely, it was the most surprising,
'cause it was deafening.
[Greg] Most surprising so far.
OK! Time for a break.
How will Dave and Rob surprise Alex when he comes out of his shed?
Find out in part two.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where one of our lucky comedians
will be heading home with a block of concrete,
a lump of marble and some rotting watermelon.
Alex, how is the last task going?
It's going OK.
It's often been more disturbing than surprising,
but there's two more to see.
We're gonna see Rob Beckett, but first...
Mr Dave Gorman. Here we go.
[clock ticking]
[laughter]
Is there a Gorman?
Oh, is there two parts? Is it...?
Oh, OK. I like this.
OK.
It says, "Dear Alex, please press the blue button."
- Waaargh! - Oh!
[laughter]
[Alex] Good, good, good.
Why's he got that there?
Is he actually naked?
I said "boxers" and he misunderstood.
Right. [he laughs]
That's the best one.
[cheers and applause]
Very nice. My first question is...
How come you get to keep your clothes on
and the camera crew don't?
I make the rules.
It's my go.
And also...
I'm gonna surprise him by not being there.
So the idea of surprising him by not being there
but being naked... doesn't really stack up.
- [Alex] Checks out. - You buying that?
I'm buying that. He did also buy them.
You paid them a certain amount of money
to take their clothes off.
Yeah, I, er...
- [laughter] - Is that right?
It's about 200 quid, I think.
200 quid each?!
No, between them! Between them.
Between them. Right.
I don't know how they divvied it up,
but there was 200 quid on the table.
Is that, like, low-rent prostitution?
Were you surprised?
Yeah, I mean, the surprise was
over a longer period of time,
so it wasn't as immediate as the air horns.
- Right. - Or the dead body.
And then we have the clown. So, um...
[laughter]
I was-- I was surprised.
OK, let's see how Rob did.
Let's see if he was surprising.
Alex, you've been a bad boy!
[laughter and applause]
[he cackles]
Surpriiiise!
[he laughs] There's quite a lot going on there.
Quite a lot.
[Rob chortles]
[Rob] Were you surprised?
Quite surprising, yeah.
Quite surprising.
Thank you, Rob.
- Sorry. - Thank you for that.
Sorry, are you alright? Are you wet?
[cheers and applause]
Well, I mean, incredible, right?
He was reasonably caring.
After he did it, he said, "Are you wet?"
- Which is nice. - [laughter]
When you were cackling, dressed as a nan on that sofa...
I thought I saw your teeth visibly growing,
you were so pleased with yourself.
They do when I get really excited.
I mean, it's just mad.
Where did the nan thing come from?
Basically, when we were filming that,
I'd had a kid the week before...
and had about 10 hours' sleep
and I think I'd gone mad.
[laughter]
I think that was like the beginning of a breakdown.
We've got our winner. There he is.
[cheers and applause]
Instinct tells me, possibly, number two...
All those hours down the gym have paid off for Al Murray.
It was the barrage on the senses
in general that was impressive.
So it was the... And then it was the noise.
Yeah, how many air horns?
[both] Four.
Yeah.
[Greg] Second place, ladies and gentlemen.
[applause]
Let's not say Paul's definitely last
but I'll pop Clown in, just for now.
I'm gonna put Dave ahead of Sara
purely because he used bribery, nakedness...
There's a hint of sexual exploitation in there.
And then he jumped out of a bush and said, "Boo!"
[Greg] Done, there it is.
It's done, ladies and gentlemen.
[applause]
Right, let's find out how they're doing at this stage.
Well, after two rounds, we have an early leader,
and that is Mr Rob Beckett.
[cheers and applause]
The nan jet-wash cliché pays dividends.
Fantastic. Let's have another task, please, Alex.
OK, this one is the first team task of the series.
[Greg] Oooh.
[both] Hello!
[Sara] There's a Gonk.
[Rob] Pardon? A Gonk?
- What d'you call him? - A Troll.
Oh! Just different generations.
[Dave] Hello.
[Alex] Hello.
[Al] Hi.
So, one of you wanna...?
Paul?
"Your time starts now."
- Oh, what's the question? - What? Nothing!
Taskmaster!
- "Your time starts now." - "Your time starts now."
"Your time starts now."
[Al] That's all it says.
[Al] Care to explain?
There's a message in a bottle.
[Dave] Is that relevant...?
[all reading] "Dear blank, with love."
OK, it's not that then.
[Al] No.
Have you got a task in your hand? Anything?
- [Alex] No. - [Sara] What are you doing?
- There we go! - Oh! Oooh!
He's tied up.
Ah, that's locked with a combination on it.
- [Paul] I can pick that. - There might be something in there.
Can you pick that?
Pens...
Perhaps there's something written on that...
- in UV! - A-ha!
[Al] "Release Alex. Fastest wins."
[Dave] Right. OK, so the key is needed, I guess.
[Al] Yeah.
[Paul] Which is in here.
[applause]
My first question is, have you two...
Have you ever met each other's parents?
[laughter]
'Cause you're clearly brother and sister.
I sometimes get that people who are trying
to be horrible to me on the internet
saying that I'm just you in a wig.
[laughter]
Who says that...?
- But I don't take it as an insult. - [Al] We've just seen that!
Well, that's your future, with a jet wash.
That's me. That's me in my 70s.
[Rob screeches]
Oh, nan.
Really good. So, um...
Paul, you can pick any lock, right?
[laughter]
Any lock. Any lock.
Did you successfully pick that lock?
- Didn't pick that one, but... - [Greg] Ah.
Shall we start with the siblings?
The siblings!
So, let's see the, uh...
sinister Aryan twins.
Mummy says we're good at puzzles.
[laughter and applause]
So what would you use? Would you use a biro?
I've never busted someone out of jail.
Let's bend him over the table.
I'll put a torch on.
Oops.
You're making it slightly tighter.
Well, it's not my problem, is it?
[Sara] It's purple.
[Rob] They are very tight now, aren't they?
- [Alex] They really are. - You've really tightened them, man.
Oh, it's a secret message, maybe!
[they gasp]
[both] "Release Alex. Fastest wins."
Well, where's the clue?!
"Look on the phone."
What?
Where's the phone?
"Look on the phone."
Why's there spunk on your phone, Alex?
[laughter]
No wonder you've been locked up, you dirty bastard.
"Look on the phone."
Pictures of phones...
Ah!
Aahhh!
911 to get in this little bastard.
- Oh, for fuck's sake. - We need to do the puzzle.
[Rob] Absolute joke.
I've never done a speedy puzzle before
and I think I'm enjoying it.
[Sara] There's a message on the back.
Hey!
Not a pussy, mate.
[laughter]
Oh, Rob!
Rob Beckett!
Now we're doing in the harder way.
[Sara] We are.
OK, OK. What's it say?
Karma by Gregory Davies. Here we go.
So it's page 72.
Page 72, word 14.
Word 14 on this page...
12, 13, 14... "shedding".
"Shedding"... In the shed?
Oh! Yeah?
It's open.
[Rob] There's a cracker.
I've got the stuff in here.
Is there stuff in there?
[Sara] It's those peas again.
[Rob] "Look behind the picture."
This picture?
Nope. Oh, there's loads of pictures here.
[Sara] You go and look on all the pictures.
Oh, it's not in his hand, is it?
Oh, you fucking arsehole.
[laughter]
I nearly looked in there. You kept it shut.
- What happened? - It's in his hand.
What, the picture was in his hand?
No, the...
- What, the key? - Yeah!
Stop the clock.
[laughter and applause]
[Sara] Oh, I see!
[applause]
Two blonde kids having fun together.
Two Aryan twins solving problems.
Yep.
Couple of Nazi kids freeing a prisoner.
We have to stop for a break now.
Come back and see if Dave and Al and Paul
tackled the task in a faster time.
- Bye-bye! - Bye-bye.
Welcome back.
There are five shoe boxes up for grabs tonight
and one of them might contain a dead snake.
[laughter]
Am I right in thinking we were partway through a task?
You are always right in thinking, Greg.
We are about to see if the beards can prove that...
[laughter]
...that three heads are better than two. Here we go.
[Al] You might have a key on you.
[Alex] No, no...
Maybe there are some numbers...
There's got to be numbers in the room that tell us the...
You know... Karma Test, Gregor Davies.
There's 268 pages in this book.
[Dave] Wanna try 268? I mean, it's not gonna be 268.
[Al] That might be a number available to us.
The barometer...?
[Al] Pens...
There's a penny here.
String.
[Dave] Is it on here?
"Look on the phone."
[Dave] Look on the phone, on the phone.
I mean, all the numbers are here.
That's the nature of phones.
Which one has four on?
[Paul] So it's nine, nine, seven...
[Al] There's probably another phone.
That's maybe where we're, um...
making our hideous blunder.
[Alex] There's got to be another phone somewhere.
There's got to be another phone somewhere.
[Paul] It's a good lock, this.
Ah, Greg's holding a phone in that picture.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah. There you go. 911. - [Al] 911.
We are a trio of dickheads.
[laughter]
[Al] There we go.
- [Dave] Oh, for God's sake. - [they groan]
[Dave] The letter is on the upside--
The lettering's on the upside down.
"Page". It's gonna be "turn to page".
- [Al] Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So we're looking for a number.
There's a two.
The Gregor Davies book. So it's the Taskmaster book.
[Dave] Page 72, word 34.
31, 32, 33, 34...
"Was."
Can't be right.
[Al] Oh, 14.
One, two, three, four, five, 13...
"Shedding." Shed.
[they groan]
"Look behind a picture."
[Paul] Behind the pic...? Behind Greg's picture?
[Dave] Could be.
Anything on there?
- That's not... - [Paul] Where's the...?
Ah, there's a photograph of a key.
It's in... It's in his hands.
[laughter]
Thanks, Al.
Thanks, Dave. Thank you, Paul.
[applause]
Three great minds...
or a trio of dickheads.
Paul's one of the great criminal minds of our time, isn't he?
I believe you were still picking the lock for...
It's only 'cause he thought there was some melon in it.
[laughter]
He wouldn't have been able to lift it if there was melon in it.
[laughter]
It's why there was three of 'em.
[applause]
They had two people. I had these two distracting me.
If you'd have done that task on your own,
you'd still be there trying to pick that lock.
I would have got it sooner or later, though.
And I'll tell you this, I'd watch that television.
Incredible. Well, I don't think there's gonna be
a big surprise here about who's won, but...
This team, the beards, their overall time was 27 minutes
and 37 seconds. Nearly half an hour.
You probably... You probably knew that.
Sara and Rob took 16 minutes and 46 seconds.
[cheers and applause]
So, moving on.
Hey, Alex, do you have something quick we could see?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
[laughter]
[Sara] Okey dokey.
"Create the best upside- down self-portrait
using only the materials supplied."
I don't understand the upside-downness.
"The Taskmaster will judge the picture
when it has been rotated 180 degrees."
So I've got to make it upside down on here.
Right, OK, I get that.
[Alex] No, you don't have to be upside down.
What?
[Alex] The picture does, but you can be the right way up.
Right, OK, right! Yeah, good.
I'm with you now. OK.
"You have 20 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
[applause]
Well, it's pretty straightforward.
A task you were excited by?
I really got into it. I really enjoyed it, and...
felt a moment of creative expression
that I hadn't felt in a long time.
He wasn't in his pants again, was he?
Upside down.
Four air horns out. Beeep!
- Four. - Four.
[laughter]
Do you wanna see Al really getting into it?
- Do I? - OK.
We can see them all having a go.
What is this?
Ketchup. Ketchup?
That looks a lot like mustard and ketchup and brown sauce.
- What's this? - Red.
This isn't brown sauce, is it?
It's brown sauce.
What's that?
White.
Squirty cream? They're not paints, they're sauces!
- What's this? - Green.
Burger sauce. Mustard. Okey dokey, then.
Ugh. Cheap, vinegary shit, that.
[laughter]
If anyone touches this with their hands, they're gross.
Alright, I think...
it's an exciting time for art right now, isn't it?
I'm an artist. I'm a proper artist.
Look at it. It's dripping out.
Look, the squirt is...
isn't as good.
Condiments have never been my... medium.
I've run out of brown.
You should have provided me with more brown.
- [laughter] - You know this.
This is racist.
You obviously gave me loads of white, no brown.
Done.
[cheers and applause]
Didn't expect there to be any racial tension...
during an exercise of spraying condiments against a brick wall.
They had an unfair advantage, all of them,
'cause there was loads of white spray.
- There was not enough brown sauce. - There was brown sauce. There was...
There was more white, though, innit?
- [Alex] Well... - Was there more white?
[Dave] No.
[Rob] It was cream.
You always come up with these excuses.
[laughter]
What, "you people"?
Do you wanna see all five portraits?
Yes.
[Alex] So you've just got to judge
which one's best, which one's worst,
and then also second and fourth and also third.
[laughter]
I can do it in that order, if you like.
[Alex] Wanna start with best?
[Rob] Mine ran 'cause the wall was wet.
And yet... to scale.
[laughter and applause]
I love them.
So Sara's is the only full-length one.
She's not done her face, and her hair is going up.
[Greg] Yeah.
I was doing a handstand in the picture.
[Rob] Sure.
So that way I could paint it the right way up.
That's how I do a handstand.
You know, I genuinely presumed that's what you were doing.
I thought, "Yeah, that's a handstand portrait."
[Greg] You don't see many of them in the National Portrait Gallery.
Not as many as there should be.
[Greg] It's technically a portrait, right?
Yes. A portrait is a "painting, drawing, photograph
or engraving of a person, especially one depicting..."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm bored.
OK.
[laughter]
Oh man.
Who's your favourite? Pick your favourite.
[Greg] I think it's Al Murray's.
[Alex] It was lovely, yeah.
- Do you know why? - No.
There's a sadness to those condiment eyes.
Definitely.
So we've got first. Do you wanna go second?
Yeah, I'm gonna give it to Sara,
just for her creativity. It's a handstand.
- Bam. It's in. - [Alex] OK. That's good.
Third, fourth, fifth?
[Greg] I'm gonna give third to Dave, because that face...
gives me an element of joy.
Because I think he's making this noise...
"Beh!"
[laughter and applause]
And I can't separate the madness on the bottom,
so we'll put them in joint last place.
- Bam. Done it. - OK, good. OK.
- [Greg] Done. It's over. - [Alex] Done. Good.
Hey, what's that done to our scoreboard, Alex?
- We have a runaway leader so far. - Get out of town.
Leading the whole way through so far is Mr Rob Beckett.
He's on 16 points!
[cheers and applause]
Two tasks to go. What's next, Alex?
We have another task.
- Hi, Al. - Hi.
Hi.
Is it in here?
[Alex] Yeah.
I don't like popping balloons.
You don't like popping balloons?
- Nah. - Oh.
I've got it.
[balloon squeaks]
[laughter]
Very suspicious, Al.
They look like they're in Morse code or something.
- Do they? - The balloons, yeah.
Four dots, three dashes, or something. I dunno.
[laughter]
[balloon squeaks]
Done!
Oh, it's the...
Taking the piss, mate.
"Pop the balloons. Fastest wins."
"Your time starts when you pop the next balloon."
Oh, good God! I actually hadn't even noticed those.
Ooh! Oh!
Yeah, not ideal if I do that approach, is it?
Pop all the balloons...
Time starts when I do my first one. Right, OK.
How am I supposed to pop these balloons?
Look how long that took.
I've already lost this task.
Time doesn't start yet.
[applause]
Pop all of the balloons as quickly as you can.
Simple task.
But the time starts when you pop your first balloon.
Now these are intelligent people.
They're not just gonna steam in and just start...
- popping the balloons. - No, no, 'cause they can make a plan.
- They can get something to... - They're gonna think about it.
Yeah.
[laughter]
Do you want to start with Dave and Sara?
Yeah.
[laughter and applause]
Haven't even got keys in my pocket. That's annoying.
OK.
[balloon squeaks]
[laughing] That one made a funny noise!
[SQUEAK]
[Alex] Oo, another funny noise!
All popped?
Yeah, they are all popped.
Thanks, Dave.
[applause]
I mean, fascinating. Medically fascinating.
[laughter]
So, Dave was particularly feral.
He used his beard at times. He just sort rammed on.
One minute fifty.
You know what I think about when I think of Dave Gorman?
"Feral."
[laughter]
Yeah, one minute 50. Sub two.
Sara also sub two. One minute 50...
eight.
[Greg] Ohh!
Was that the slow-mo ones you were doing?
Yeah!
[laughter]
[applause]
OK, let's go to a logical brain.
Paul.
Really?
OK. We can see Paul and Rob together.
- [Greg] Let's. - [Alex] OK.
Could be a winner.
Has anyone-- Is there a lighter anywhere?
[laughter]
This could pop some with one hand.
It's quite dangerous, but, uh...
It's the old...
knuckleduster trick.
You know?
What if I get one in each hand...?
Fastest wins. Alright.
Right.
Shoryuken!
[laughter]
These balloons are bastards, mate.
They're bastards, innit?
Oh, one left!
Bastard.
[applause]
I mean, it's a bit like watching the evolution of humankind,
this show, really.
First we see the very basic primates using their teeth...
and then they discover tools.
I've seen that in Mortal Kombat.
I got the reference.
No, that was Street Fighter II.
Oh, I didn't get the reference.
[laughter]
And nice to see that you're consistent
with your use of the word "bastard", as well.
Last episode, you called a rabbit
covered in a Slush Puppie a bastard.
Now it's the turn of the balloon community.
That was a snowman in the last one.
It wasn't a snowman, mate.
Good, though. Really good.
Rob?
Yeah, I basically started off with a corkscrew and...
another corkscrew.
Yeah, you could say two corkscrews.
I had two corkscrews but one was better,
so I started doing that, but in the end I just went
for one-handed swipes like a sort of angry cat.
[laughter]
Very impressive, but how impressive was it time-wise?
Weirdly, Paul wasn't that much s...
quicker than the biters. One minute 26.
Quicker, but not that much.
Rob, who sort of...
treated them like wine bottles, unscrewed them...
Thirty-one point six seconds.
- [audience] Woo! - [applause]
So, Al Murray's balloon frenzy still to come.
Find out how he did in about three minutes.
Plus all five head to the stage
for the final task of the show. Yes, they will.
See you soon.
Hello! Good to see you again.
It's the final part of the show
and there's a live task just around the corner.
But first we need to conclude the task at hand. Alex?
Hi, Greg.
So the current task involves popping balloons as fast as possible.
The current time to beat is 31.6 seconds
achieved by Rob Beckett.
And we've just got Al to go.
Are you ready for Al?
- Yeah. - OK.
Here he is.
Ohh!
- [laughter] - Damn you to hell!
[Alex] Are they all gonna fit, Al?
No, they're not all gonna fit.
[Alex] Right.
But that doesn't mean this isn't a good idea.
[Alex laughs] No, no, no, just not...
What is the idea, Al?
To group the balloons together into small amounts...
- Together as possible. - Yeah.
- And then commence popping them. - One big pop.
- To try and get them all in one go. - Yeah.
- To narrow the time down. - Yeah.
But I can take as long as I like
- over-managing the time. - Yeah.
So far I've taken no time over this,
even though we're taking a long time over it.
[Alex] Yeah.
It strikes me this is the obvious way to do it.
Rather than running around in a frenzied idiot panic.
[laughter]
It's either this or the cricket bat.
[Alex] Is it?
For England.
You know?
[laughter and applause]
Just gotta re-organise these balloons.
Right.
[laughter]
Bollocks!
[Alex] I'm stopping the clock there.
They're all-- They're all gone?
Just making sure?
I only lost...
two balloons, was it?
- [Alex] Yeah, it's not bad. - Yeah.
- Thanks. I enjoyed that. - Alright.
Thank you, Al. We'll deal with this.
Yeah, sure.
[applause]
I mean, it's a really clever idea,
horrifically executed.
I mean, obviously the terrible news is
that there were two escaped balloons.
Yet to be popped.
They're probably by now, but we can't verify it,
so it's not looking good for him.
He spend 34.6 seconds smashing it with a cricket bat.
So he would have come in second, but the two...
Behind Rob's corkscrew?
- Exactly, yeah. - Right.
Was there anything else about his attempt?
[Alex] I don't know if you remember
at the beginning of the task, Al said something.
- Do you want to have a look? - [Greg] Yeah.
They look like they're in Morse code or something.
- [Alex] Do they? - The balloons, yeah.
Four dots, three dashes, or something. I dunno.
It does, doesn't it?
It does look a bit like Morse code.
It does, so because you said that, we had a look at it.
- [Greg] We checked it out. - [Alex] Weirdly, it was...
What?
It says this.
[Morse code beeping]
[laughter and applause]
So, the winner of that task is Mr Rob Beckett!
[applause]
OK, everyone.
Before we find out who's going home with five filled shoe boxes,
could you please up to the stage for the final task of the show?
[cheers and applause]
Could Paul read the task out, please?
OK. Paul, that's for you.
Read it nice and clearly, Paul.
"Unravel a whole roll of sticky tape."
"Put the unravelled sticky tape in your lunch box."
"Close your lunch box."
[laughter]
"Fastest wins."
Fastest wins. You're right, Paul.
And nice that you did it in the tone of voice
of a sort of Batman film.
[laughter]
So in your boxes, you've got sticky tape.
If you want to open your boxes...
All the sticky tape has to come off the roll,
and has to all go in the lunch box,
and the lunch box has to shut.
[Alex] If you could stop looking for the end of the tape, please.
Put the tape down!
- Everybody! - [Rob] Sorry.
[Greg] Look up into the air.
Alex, blow your whistle. Go.
Go! [blows whistle]
[audience cheers]
[Alex] I like that method.
Oh, oh, oh! D-d-done!
Shut the box, shut the box!
It must shut.
- Oh, that's stuck on your hand, that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, it's gotta all come off. - That's all off.
Yeah, that's done! Put it in the box.
There's a lot on your hand. That's got to go in the box!
Oh, fuck off!
You've got to start again!
I'm done! I didn't listen, did I?
[Paul] Even when Batman read it out, you didn't listen.
Sara Pascoe!
[applause]
OK, can you all come down
and we'll see how that's affected the scores!
[cheers and applause]
Did that all go according to plan, Alex?
For most of them.
[laughter]
Rob's still going.
It's so tight.
[laughter]
You can pretend it's someone else now, innit?
[laughter]
Want the scores, Greg?
I really do want the scores.
OK, well I'm afraid Rob doesn't get any point for that.
He didn't complete the task.
Sara did it one minute 46.
There was only two seconds separating Paul and Dave.
Paul was two seconds quicker than Dave.
- [all] Ooh! - [Greg] Was he really?
- [Sara] Well done, Paul. - [Alex] Yeah, one minute 12.
But sub one minute, Al Murray in 55 seconds.
[Alex] An entire roll of tape.
[applause]
Thanks to his Commonwealth record there with the Sellotape,
he has retained the series lead.
But the winner of this particular episode...
is Mr Rob Beckett!
Rob Beckett!
[cheers and applause]
Rob Beckett is the winner of five luxury shoe boxes.
A prize that he told me in the break
he thought was rubbish.
[laughter]
Please go and retrieve your prizes!
[cheers and applause]
Hey, thanks for today, Alex.
Hey, thanks for thanking me today, Greg.
- Thanks again, Alex. - [Alex] OK.
And what have we learnt today, then?
Well, what we've learnt is
if Alfred Hitchcock wanted to make the end of Psycho really scary,
he should've shoved a jet washer in that old woman's hands.
And of course, we've also learnt that against the odds,
our winner tonight is Rob Beckett!
[cheers and applause]
Well done! Thanks, everybody, and goodbye!
[subtitles by tribbletown]