Hello!
I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
As we venture deeper into the series,
the competition to win this,
the aesthetically rewarding statue in television,
continues to grow in intensity.
There are five comedians lurking the shadows,
ready to prove their worth and become the series champion.
Let's hear their names now.
They are... Hugh Dennis.
Joe Lycett.
Lolly Adefope.
Mel Giedroyc.
And Noel Fielding!
And ever present is my beta male assistant, Alex Horne.
Hmm.
[applause]
Sorry.
What sort of things do you get up to when we're not filming Taskmaster?
- Just a normal guy. - Are you?
Just do my box sets. Do a lot of box sets.
- Yeah? - Binging on box sets.
I'm doing the news at the moment. I'm up to 1975.
- [laughter] - Gripping.
Last weekend I did the entire Wright Stuff box set.
- Did you? - Just binged it.
Just smashed The Wright Stuff.
It's absolute gripping, isn't it?
Yeah, you get to the end of one ep and think,
"I'm gonna watch another Wright Stuff."
- Yeah. - [laughter]
Let's move on to the prize task, shall we?
Not a problem, yes. We've asked our competitors to bring in
the best membership slash subscription.
OK, so excitingly, not only will the person that's brought in
the best membership slash subscription
get five whole points at the start of the show,
the person who wins the entire episode
will win five exclusive subscriptions slash memberships.
- OK. Mel, hello. - [Mel] Hello.
We'll start with you.
You must get some pretty exclusive membership offers.
Mm-hm.
What's the one that you're popping in the prize bag today?
It's a quarterly, so that's once a quarter,
subscription to the Crossrail magazine Moving On.
[Mel] Sorry, Moving Ahead.
[laughter and applause]
Moving Ahe-- I knew that.
You are obviously a big fan.
I'm a massive fan.
Does Crossrail exist? I know it's...
- [Mel] Yes! - [Hugh] Yeah.
- Yes! Help, Desky. - I've been down in the tunnels.
- Have you? - You've been down it, have you?
Yeah, I was invited into it to have a look.
Have you been invited down into the tunnels?
No, I haven't, and I'm a little bit peeved.
- And you're a subscriber to this? - To Moving Ahead.
The worst magazine... of all time.
Based on this, I don't want to win this episode.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who would?
Lolly, what prize have you brought?
Well, in these trying political times,
there's one thing that binds us all together.
Cheese.
First I wanna hear why I would want to read a magazine about cheese.
It's not a magazine, it's just a subscription.
- They just send you cheese. - For actual cheese?
[Lolly] Every month they send you a big basket
- full of cheese. - Get off the fucking bus.
[laughter]
- [Alex] We've got a picture there. - [Greg] OOH!
- [Alex] Yes. You OK? - [Mel] Oh, that's great.
[Greg] Now we're talking.
[Lolly] And that's to scale, as well.
Right, well I think it's an amazing subscription service.
- [Lolly] Thank you. - I want cheese brought to the house.
You've upped the game, thank God.
Noel, subscription?
Oh, yeah, well this is quite weird, because...
Mine's to do with cheese as well.
- [they gasp] - I can't believe it, yeah.
Great minds.
Well, mine's called Cheese Postie...
Is it a postman made of cheese?
I wish. You basically get the ingredients
for a gourmet cheese toastie sent to you every month.
Yeah, we've got it here. It is incredible.
- [Greg] Oh, my God. - [Noel] There you go.
[laughter]
[Greg] Have you subscribed to this?
[Noel] Yes.
Since I was one.
[laughter]
Hugh, given the enthusiasm you showed for Mel's,
I'm petrified to ask for yours.
My subscription is a genuine subscription.
I am genuinely a member of this thing.
Oh, God.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm a member of a thing called the Cloud Appreciation Society.
Yeah, it's true. This is his certificate.
[Hugh] Yeah, it's great.
So, every day, they send you an email picture
of a cloud. You get a different cloud...
- Hugh, have you heard of the sky? - ...every day.
- [laughter] - Yeah, I have,
but in Britain the sky is generally really shit.
How much do you pay for this?
It costs you about 17 quid a year.
[Lolly] Seventeen... and you can just go on the internet and type in "cloud".
Yeah, but you don't get the excitement.
You could just go to a shop and buy cheese!
[laughter]
I imagine a group of villains all sitting round going,
"We've tried everything to rip people off."
And then one of them going, "Pffft..."
"Could try and sell clouds to Hugh Dennis."
[laughter]
It's a fantastically... It's an incredibly relaxing thing.
You wanna move on to Joe Lycett?
- I do, so badly. - The last one.
Joe, please.
I've joined the Air Society.
I just get a picture of some air.
Cure and Simple, I've joined.
And they just send you bits of bacon.
[Alex] Your bacon comes from happy, healthy British pigs.
Healthy but dead.
[laughter]
So I think it's one step up from a cheese toastie.
I can see what you're doing, but I'm not having that.
There we go. You've seen all five, Greg.
- You've got to judge them now. - Yeah, all shit.
Mm-hm. Last place?
Yeah, I think I know already.
[laughter]
I love clouds, but of course you've got to go in last place,
just 'cause I'm worried about you.
But a very, very, close fourth place...
I mean, so close...
- [Alex] Two points to Mel. - Yeah, two points to Mel.
Third place, Joe, and again that's marginal,
just because I prefer cheese to bacon.
- Well, we all do, don't we? - Who doesn't?
Yeah.
No one.
[Greg] Cheese, solid lumps of it.
Love it, but I'm a very lazy man.
I want my cheese to be combined with other things
and fed into my fat mouth.
- There we go, so... - So the winner is Mr Noel Fielding.
[Alex] There we go. Winner, Noel.
[applause]
On with the first proper task. Alex, please.
Yes, it is a sneaky task. Good luck. Here we go.
[Hugh laughs]
Why has that made me laugh?
Where's the thing?
Where's the task?
Oh, this is nice.
- Nice little zone, isn't it? - [Alex] Uh-huh.
Quite like that.
[Joe] Ooo!
Little hidden task.
Ah, task!
[he laughs] Didn't see that field.
That's nice, isn't it?
That's very satisfying.
- Did you make that? - [Alex] Yes.
[she whispers] Just checking.
Slip that off for later.
"Camouflage yourself."
"You have ten minutes to plan your camouflage."
"After a further ten minutes, you will be photographed in position."
"Your time starts... now."
So I've got to try and be invisible?
Camouflage, camouflage, camouflage...
[applause]
That well-known catchphrase.
[laughter]
[both] "Camouflage, camouflage, camouflage."
So you don't know what's happened here.
No.
They've all camouflaged themselves, we're gonna see the photos of them,
then you've got to try to spot them.
- Yeah, I'd sort of worked that out. - Yes, but I...
I wouldn't have worked it out if someone
had just said "camouflage" to me once, though.
[laughter]
I thought we'd start with Hugh Dennis.
- Yeeah. - Yeah.
So I'm gonna show you a picture.
Where do you think Hugh is here?
[Alex] Ooh.
[Greg] Oh, isn't this awful? I...
I'm not concentrating 'cause I'm looking at the clouds.
[laughter]
There are no clouds and that is whole fucking point!
[laughter]
[applause]
[Greg] You know what?
That is genuinely awesome. I can't...
If I had to guess... Do you want me to guess?
You do have to guess, 'cause that's the show.
[laughter]
If I had to guess, I would say there's something
not quite right about the door, but I don't know.
[Alex] Well, let's roll that forward and have a look.
[applause]
Is that the door of the house?
Yes, he took it off, put it on his back.
The definition of camouflage is "the disguising of personnel or equipment,
usually military, by painting or covering them
to make them blend in with their surroundings."
- Right, I mean... - He used a door.
Just standing behind a door isn't--
No, I wasn't standing behind it, it was part of my...
It was like putting a plant or something in front of your face.
It's just a door...
on my back.
I dunno, interesting. We'll come back to it. Who's next?
OK, shall we have a look at...
- Lolly Adefope? - Yes.
[Alex] OK, it's the game of "Where's Lolly?"
- [Noel] Wow. - [Alex] Mm-hm.
[laughter]
I think I might have spotted her.
- [Lolly] No, keep looking. - [Alex] It's up to you, Greg.
[Greg] I think she might be under that... grass.
- [Alex] Under the grass. - [Greg] Yeah.
Which grass, though?
- Which grass? - [Lolly] Yeah.
[laughter]
This grass.
[laughter and applause]
Very good, very good.
Well, it might be a decoy. Let's have a look.
[cheers and applause]
You see, that's actual camouflage, 'cause she brought something
to the situation that wasn't there before.
A grass poncho.
[laughter]
Also, a little detail on Lolly,
she made me pour icing sugar all over her to replicate the frost.
Some went into her eyes and I felt bad.
- [Lolly] Mmm. - OK.
Sacrifice.
[Greg] Was it frosty?
- It was frosty, it was freezing cold. - [Alex] Mm-hm.
I mean, maybe if you hadn't...
poured icing sugar all over yourself,
I wouldn't have got you so quickly.
[Greg] Great, who's next?
[Alex] OK, er, Joe Lycett.
[Alex] Which one is Joe?
[laughter]
[Greg] Oh, that's good. That is good.
[Mel] Very good.
Very good. Love it.
[Noel] It's like Where's Wally? as well.
So have a look. If you want, you can choose one.
I can add some numbers and you can say which number you think Joe is.
- [Greg] Add some numbers. - [Alex] OK, there we go.
[Greg] I want Joe to be number five.
[laughter]
[Alex] Give me a number, Greg.
- [Greg] One. - [Alex] One?
[Alex] Let's have a look from the other way round.
[Mel] Oh, he's nine!
- [Greg] Nine! - [Alex] Number nine.
That's very good. There's Al Murray!
[applause]
[Greg] Number seven is Al Murray.
[laughter]
He will not accept he's not on the show any more, will he?
- He won't accept it! - Yeah.
[Greg] Was Al just hanging around that train station?
Well, Joe sent a tweet out. He's got 130,000 followers.
[Greg whistles]
In an hour it got nine retweets and 15 likes,
which means nearly 130,000 people ignored him.
That's the population of the Isle of Wight.
That's a lot of people, isn't it?
But one of the people who liked it was Al.
So he popped along. Well, you know, it absolutely fulfilled the brief.
He camouflaged himself very effectively.
[Greg] It's my favourite so far.
Yaaay!
Two camo attempts to go, but first, some brilliant adverts.
See you in a few minutes.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
There is a cheese subscription up for grabs,
and in a bid to win it, Hugh Dennis has disguised himself as a door.
- Isn't that right, Alex? - Oh, that's so right, Greg.
And in this best camouflage task,
we are yet to see two of our competitors' attempts.
I'm gonna show you Mel Giedroyc,
but you might not be able to spot her. Ready?
Yes.
Good. Here she is.
[laughter]
[applause]
Do you want this?
[laughter]
Can I just say, do you know what...
I thought you had to stay within that room.
[Noel] Look at your little feet under the...
[laughter]
That is the sort of hiding place that my niece would choose,
and she's five.
Do you know what? I came away from doing that,
and I thought, "I've got this."
It's only one step away from when kids do this.
[laughter]
You know what I thought, the moment I saw it?
I thought, "Lolly, you're off the hook."
Who's next?
- Right, OK... - We've got our last place, surely.
OK, and now we're gonna see our last person.
Noel Fielding, somewhere... in here.
- [Hugh] Ohh. - [Greg] Oh, my God.
[Alex] So it's just up to you, Greg.
Well, I mean, it's difficult because...
any part of that caravan looks like what Noel wears.
[laughter]
It's hard for you 'cause I'm like Predator.
[laughter]
- [Greg] He is there? - [Alex] He is there.
OK, I don't know. I don't know where Noel is.
Let's have a look at where Noel is.
[cheers and applause]
That is absolutely incredible.
He made himself very small and got in the fruit bowl.
Right, well...
[Mel] That's brilliant.
[Greg] Here comes the judgment. Are you ready?
[Alex] Oh, right.
I mean, obviously Noel's going to be in first place.
OK.
[applause]
I've reviewed Hugh's door and I've decided
it was actually very inventive,
so I'm going to put him and Joe joint second.
[Alex] Oh, oh!
So four points and four points?
Yeah.
OK, we jump down to two points now for the fourth-place person.
That's correct and that is obviously going to be Lolly.
- Lolly. - Obviously.
[applause]
At least she went to the trouble
of sprinkling icing sugar in her own face.
[Alex] Do you want anyone to clap
when you reveal the last place, or just...?
I'd like everyone to give Mel one clap.
- [Alex] Good, yes. - OK, and in last place, Mel.
- [scattered claps] - [Greg] Thank you.
Moving Ahead.
Alex, I sense a scoreboard update.
OK, well, he's won both tasks so far,
so the leader is obviously Mr Noel Fielding.
[Greg] There it is, bang!
[applause]
I don't suppose you have a more sociable task, do you?
Ooh, like a team task?
Something like that.
I do. I have a team task.
[Mel] Oooh.
Oh, look! [she gasps]
- [Joe] Thank you. - [Noel] Thank you.
Oh, isn't the lovely, Hugh?
I'm not sure yet.
- [laughter] - Oh, nice popcorn.
[dramatic music]
[gong crashes]
[applause]
- [Noel] Was that Al Murray? - [Lolly] Yeah.
[Noel] "Make a trailer..."
[Joe] "...for Taskmaster: The Movie."
Ahh, that's great.
Oh, that's brilliant.
One hour. Oh, shit.
That is so cool.
[whistle blows]
That's amazing.
- [Noel] Great task. - [Lolly] Well done.
What's the movie about?
We could do a sort of Ken Loach, sort of gritty.
Or a Carry On.
Which series are we making a trailer for?
- This series? - [Alex] This series.
We need the words, don't we?
Trailer have got to be very pithy, haven't they?
[Mel] Got to think about the look, haven't we?
[applause]
Interesting jump between genres. Ken Loach, Carry On.
What I noticed though, interestingly,
is your neurolinguistic programming that you use on Hugh.
Where I don't say anything at all?
You just follow Mel as she says,
"I think we should do this, shouldn't we?"
"I think we should probably have this, shouldn't we?"
"Shall we concentrate on this, shall we?"
and you're just going, "Yeeah."
[laughter]
- I'm really sorry. - [Greg] It's an interesting dynamic.
It is, yeah.
Can't wait to see it. Is it good?
Do you want to start off with TV's Mel and Hugh?
- Yeah? Go for them? - Yeah.
Let's see the great double act.
[Alex] OK, here we go.
[dramatic music]
[he pants]
[phone rings]
[non-specific Nordic accent]
[tense music]
[he pants]
[chilling music]
Nei! Copenhagen, nei!
[she screams] Neeei!
[applause]
Well, I mean, camouflage's loss is filmmaking's gain.
I genuinely wanted to watch it.
[Noel] That was remarkable.
Really?
[Greg] It's absolutely wonderful.
Tugtemaster.
That slightly put me off it, the fact that it's called Tug-master.
Which is a very different show to this.
[laughter]
Do you wanna see the pansexual pop pariahs?
- I really do. - JLN.
This is their trailer.
[tense music begins]
[Joe in an epic trailer voice] Introducing Taskmaster: The Movie.
Featuring Hugh Dennis.
Joe Lycett.
Lolly Adefope.
Mel Giedroyc.
And Noel Fielding.
With your Taskmaster, Greg Davies,
and tiny bitch-puppet, Alex Horne.
Taskmaster: The Movie.
6:67 p.m., Christmas Day on BBC One.
Not available on catch-up.
[applause]
It's a really, really wonderful trailer.
Whose trailer did you enjoy most?
It was so close, I thought they were both so brilliant.
But I have to give it to the Scandinavian drama, Tugtemester.
Well, there are five points available.
- Do you want it all five to them? - No, I'd like to give three to Tugtemester,
and two to the other team, because they were both so awesome.
- OK, fair enough. - There.
[applause]
OK, scoreboard. Noel still in the lead.
[cheers and applause]
Hey, time for another well-deserved break.
See you again in part three.
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Alright, let's get right back into it.
This one is all about...
specific numbers of non-human feet.
Hello, doggit.
How are you?
It's a party!
- [dog barks] - Alright. I know, it's the coat, isn't it?
- [Alex] Hi, Mel. - Hello!
- [dog growls] - This way, please.
- Are the dogs yours? - The dog...? Ooh.
No, never seen them before. There you go.
Are these your dogs?
Yep, seven.
It's a coat! If I take it off...
Look, I'm just a man. I'm just a man!
Just gonna put this one in here.
I know, you're very sweet.
Now, let's read the task, shall we?
"Persuade three dogs to stand on the red mat."
"Exactly 12 legs must be stood on the red mat the same time."
"Fastest wins." [she chuckles]
"Your time starts... now."
Well, that's two already.
[laughter and applause]
That must have been actually quite genuinely upsetting for those dogs,
you ripping your flesh off in front of them.
They were really frightened,
'cause I must have looked like a giant bear.
Indeed. I'm confused though.
I don't see Lolly.
There was an admin error. Well...
We designed this task for a certain species of animal.
And then there was an outbreak of a disease involving that animal.
Lolly went first, so she used the original animal.
The rest, I've picked an animal that is the equivalent of her animal.
So I handled diseased animals?
- Y-yes. Yes. - [Lolly] Cool.
So I thought we'll show Lolly's first,
and then we'll compare them to the other animals.
- Is that alright? - Fine.
OK, so this is Lolly's version.
- [hens clucking] - [laughter]
- [Alex] Morning, Lolly. - Morning.
"Persuade three chickens to stand on the red mat at the same time."
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
Er, are some of them not chickens?
[Alex] Yes, some of them are not chickens.
[Alex] Is that your biggest problem?
Yeeaah.
- Can I move the mat? - [Alex] Yes.
[clapping vigorously]
I mean, they don't like it, do they?
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
Have any food?
Come on, guys.
[hens clucking]
Why would...? I mean, come on.
[Alex] Aww.
You got one on there, Lolly.
Argh!
There's two on at the moment.
No, that's... that's three, isn't it?
[whistle blows]
- [Alex] Yep. - Yaaay!
[applause]
Yeah, so this genuinely happened.
You did it and then there was an outbreak of avian bird flu,
which means all chickens have to be kept indoors now.
And I have avian bird flu now.
Yeah, you may have it, yeah.
Entirely feasible, but unless you peck someone, we're fine.
And then I just picked the sort animal equivalent of a chicken for the others.
Yeah.
[laughter]
Why did you go from chickens to dogs?
'Cause Lolly's gonna ask that question.
Right. When?
- Well, I say that... - [laughter]
Lolly doesn't know what a chicken is.
Or she certainly doesn't know the difference
between a chicken and a duck.
"These aren't all chickens, right?"
You kids!
You're so obsessed with your iPads,
you don't know the difference between chickens and ducks.
You can see it on the internet. I don't need to see chickens in real life.
[laughter]
What was Lolly's time for getting three chickens onto a mat?
Thirteen minutes and 40 seconds.
[Mel] That's not bad.
- Under quarter of an hour. - [Lolly] That's not bad!
[applause]
Do you want to see one of the dog wranglers?
- I do, yes please. - OK.
Well, compare Lolly to Mel and see...
- who found it harder. - [Greg] Right.
Now, doggies, come here! [she whistles]
Ooh, what have I got in my pocket?
Ooh, ooh, what have I got in the pocket?
- [dog barks] - Ooh, hello, sailor!
Hello, sailor.
Ooh, what's she got in the pockets?
[Alex] What have you got in your pockets, Mel?
My driving gloves. They're gonna be really, really disappointed.
Sit! Very good dogs.
- And sit! - [Alex] That's too many now.
- [Alex] That's 16. - We've got 16.
Now they're expecting something. I have nothing to give them.
They're literally going to tear me from shred to shred.
Erm... treats.
Oh, the house, I could get some food!
What have we got in the glove?
I filled the driving glove with some bits of sausage.
Maybe that's gonna drive them a bit nuts.
Help me.
[Alex] How do you want me to help you?
They're in the fingers, I put them in the fingers!
- That was a mistake! - Where do you want the dogs to go?
OK. Ooh, where's the sausage?
Where's the glovey? Oh, yes!
- Too many, Mel. - Too many!
He's got my glove now!
- How many is that? - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
Eight, nine, ten, eleven.
- Twelve! [blows whistle] - [Mel exhales]
[applause]
A modern-day Doctor Dolittle.
[Greg] Incredible skills.
I want to drill down into some of the minutiae here.
I am genuinely fascinated by the casual way
with which you announced you had driving gloves.
[laughter]
Natch.
The last person I heard refer to their driving gloves
was my grandfather.
And it was in the late seventies.
Even he, as he got older, went,
"I should probably let these go."
Also worth bearing in mind, Mel didn't drive to the address.
- No. - [Alex] She was driven.
So they're more of a Michael Jackson-esque fashion statement.
I always have-- They're stringback...
- [Greg] Stringback, leather? - Stringback, red leather.
And they're moulded exactly to the shape of my own hand.
Can you wear them as easily now they've had sausage in them?
I don't know why I-- I was trying to be clever.
Were you?
[Mel] I thought, keep...
"Just popped some sausages in my driving gloves."
[laughter]
"Shhh, don't let the others catch on!"
I was a bit scared of them. Can I say that now?
- Yeah. - [Mel] Were you?
I was scared of the one that barked at me when I left.
He was a prick.
[laughter]
They can be. As a nation of dog lovers, we sometimes overlook that.
Some dogs are pricks.
- What was Mel's time... - Well, interestingly...
for getting three dogs on a...?
Lolly took 13 minutes 40 with the chickens.
Mel took 14 minutes 24 with the dogs.
So it's the equivalent, isn't it? It's the chicken-dog...
scenario, isn't it, it's about the same.
[Alex] About the same, isn't it?
Do you want to see the little boys?
Yeeees!
I've put all Hugh, Joe and Noel's attempts together.
[Alex] What's your technique, Hugh?
- I'm just being nice to the dogs. - [Alex] Mm-hm.
[softly] Come on, on you come.
What if I pretend to be dead?
- [dogs woof] - [Noel laughs]
Aw, it's so close!
So close!
Is there any food?
Normal rules apply. Do whatever you want, Hugh.
[Noel] What about food?
[Alex] Well, there's a kitchen.
Oh, of course.
There were sausages in the, um...
There were sausages in the house!
[Noel laughs] OK!
What's this?
- Got some sausages. - [Alex] Sausages?
Oh, we're friends now, aren't we, you prick?
[Alex] Looking for 12 legs.
So how many? That's three dogs, innit?
Four, eight, 12. Four.
- Ha-hey-hey! We did it! - [Alex] There's too many there.
- Oh, hang on. Exactly? - [Alex] Yeah.
So you're off.
That's it, that's it, that's it!
- [whistle blows] - [Alex] That is it.
Sit, sit. Sit down.
That's... that's surely, look.
[Alex] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...
One, two, three, four, five, six...
That's 14.
- [Alex] Oh! - [whistle blows]
- [Alex] Yep, perfect. - Yeah? Was that good?
[Alex] When it jumped up, yeah, that was a total of 12.
It doesn't specify the legs have to be the dogs' legs.
[Alex] No.
So I would've had ten dogs' legs and my legs.
- So that... - [whistle blows]
As you said that, there were ten legs and yours.
Class.
[applause]
Interesting, isn't it?
Three men. All of them went, "There's sausages in the house."
Worked it out that they could use the sausages to their advantage.
And yet not one of those men thought to pop those sausages
into a pair of gloves.
[laughter]
Give us some times.
Well, Hugh, six minutes 51.
Noel, six minutes 28.
Joe Lycett, and I see this as a sort of modern-day miracle,
44.6 seconds.
- [they gasp] - [Greg] Jesus Christ!
[applause]
- Scoring-wise... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, we've got a problem to deal with here,
and that is the Lolly problem.
It's not fair. I mean, that dog was a prick, Joe was right.
But chickens, across the board, are pricks.
Could you not have picked the chickens up, though?
Yeah, or killed them.
Or killed them.
[laughter]
I mean, silly Lolly trying to wrangle them
when she could've just run round kicking their heads off.
[laughter]
So, what do you reckon? How much harder?
- I think it's 40% harder. - 40% harder.
So 40% of five points is two.
Yeah, she should get an extra two points.
OK.
- [Mel] I agree. - Thank you.
- Yeah? - I totally agree.
Which means that Mel gets one, Lolly up to four,
Hugh three, Noel four, Joe five.
- Happy? - Bang.
OK, there we go.
[applause]
I guess we should have another task.
OK. Hey, it's fish bowls time!
Wow. [he chuckles]
The hell's going on?
Always happy whenever cling film is involved.
[laughter]
Lovely.
Is that actual chocolate? That is actual chocolate.
That's actual bread.
"Without moving the fish bowls...
transfer the water from fish bowl A to fish bowl B."
"You may only use the items on this table."
"Most water moved wins."
That's got a very... that's not a good bake.
"Also, you must commentate on your attempt
through the task, always referring to yourself in the third person."
"You have five minutes."
"You have five minutes. Your time starts now."
Right, Noel's read the task.
Noel doesn't understand the task.
Noel, why didn't you understand the task?
- Umm... - [laughter]
It was quite hard.
No, no, no. Get all the water from one bowl
to the other without touching it.
They could touch it, I should say. They just couldn't move the bowls.
OK, so anyone who did move the bowls...
Oh, yeah, you couldn't move the bowls.
And they had to commentate on themselves in the third person.
In the third person, I understand that.
- [Noel] I got that. - But anyone who did move the bowls...
[Alex] Oh, they couldn't move the bowls.
- You can't move the bowls. - Can't move the bowls.
Fine.
- Shall we see Lolly? - Yeah, yeah.
[laughter]
She's just taking a look at everything.
"Without moving the fish bowls..."
She's gonna move to the fish bowl
and she's just lifting it up to see...
how heavy it is.
"Without moving the fish bowls..."
She's taking the fish bowl and she's gonna pour...
some water into this bowl.
"Without moving the fish bowls..."
- [laughter] - [frustrated yell]
She's spilling quite a lot, but she's just wondering...
- "Without moving the fish bowls..." - [laughter]
She's wondering if there's a better way,
but she doesn't have time to...
She's just committing to it now.
- "Without moving the fish bowls..." - [laughter]
"Without..."
"moving..."
- "the fish bowls..." - [laughter]
[whistle blows]
[she exhales]
[applause]
"Without moving the fish bowls..."
"Camouflage, camouflage, camouflage."
"They're not all chickens, right?"
I don't think it was clear whether you were
allowed to move the fish bowls or not.
I mean, terrible news, Lolly. Terrible performance.
- Who's next? - Shall we go on to Mel and Noel?
- [Greg] Yes. - That's a nice combo, isn't it?
- [Greg] Mel and Noel. - [Alex] That's a lovely combo.
Er, "Your time starts... now."
We'll start with a little snack.
Mel will have a little snack before she starts.
Noel's looking at this and wondering why you would need a sort of foot pump.
Ooh, that did come up, actually!
Noel's gonna have to do some of that weird sucking stuff that makes him feel a bit sick.
I'm going to hose, with my mouth, the water.
- Is this water gonna poison me? - [Alex] No.
Noel can't siphon water. Doesn't know how to do it.
Noel might lie down and eat chocolate.
Mel's just going to have another little piece of choc.
Noel really doesn't know what he's doing.
Mel is a little concerned now.
It nearly came out!
So Mel is immersing the rubber glove...
That's rubbish! They've got holes... They've got ruddy holes in!
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[he spits]
Noel doesn't know what he's doing!
[applause]
Um, "some of that weird sucking stuff."
[laughter]
- The chocolate did us. - [Mel] Yeah.
As soon as we saw chocolate, we couldn't concentrate.
- Really? Interesting. - Well, Mel...
Er, there was five litres of water and you had five minutes.
She transferred 74 millilitres, 1.5% of the water.
[Alex] 1.5%.
And that was just one clumsily sucked-up mouthful, wasn't it?
- Two. - It's a lovely phrase. Yes.
And then Noel, 115 millilitres, so 2.3%.
How much water did I transfer?
It doesn't matter.
- [Lolly] Cool. - [laughter]
It's academic, but let me tell you: not enough.
Right, it's time for the third commercial break of the show.
Some say the best commercial break.
See you soon.
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's our live task soon, but first though,
weren't people shifting water about?
Yes, they were.
They've been given the task of shifting water from one bowl to another,
but without moving the bowls.
One simple rule, Lolly.
[laughter]
Let's see if Hugh and Joe fared any better.
[water slurps]
I think Joe thinks that's quite successful.
Rubber glove, of course.
Let's hope it's waterproof with no ho--
It's got holes in it! We can't use the rubber glove.
Hugh is really quite worried now.
Hugh is hollowing out a baguette.
That's not gonna work. That's terrible.
Never abandon a glove just 'cause it's got holes in the fingers.
[he laughs] That was horrible.
Hugh is unable to see how a large bar of cooking chocolate
will help him move water from one fish bowl to another.
I mean, I've finished it.
- Quite a lot of gravel there. - [whistle blows]
[laughter]
[applause]
It was horrible.
Yeah, I mean, there'd been fish in that for several weeks.
Definitely swallowed some of it.
- [Mel] Yeah. - [Noel] Yeah, me too.
Yeah, you transferred 97% of the water.
The other 3% into you, in the end.
- [Alex] A lot of the water. - Wow.
Really incredible, and you came up with that system
pretty quickly and just got on with the job.
Transferred all of the water without moving the bowl.
Or talking.
No talking.
[Joe] Yeah, I didn't do the talking.
I'm interested in why is the commentary that he was doing
no longer a necessary part of the task
although it was written on the card.
[Lolly laughs]
Well, you had to do it, yeah.
In much the same way that when you go about your day-to-day life,
you should continue breathing.
It's not point-worthy, so...
Fuckin' leave it.
[laughter]
You want to see how to move water from one fish bowl to another,
you go to Joe Lycett, OK?
And you don't listen to bullshit,
you see a man moving water from one goldfish bowl to another.
- OK. Are you OK? - Yeah, no, I'm fine.
It's just Hugh's wound me up a little bit.
[laughter]
I should say there is one other tiny little thing.
There was obviously a rule broken by Lolly.
There was one other rule in the tasks
that a few of them flagrantly broke.
- [Greg] Oh, really? - Yeah, do you wanna see?
- Yes. - OK.
"You may only use the items on this table."
"Transfer the water from fish bowl A to fish bowl B."
Mel will have a little snack before she starts.
Wondering whether she has to use something on the desk...
Mel's just going to have another little piece of choc.
[audience groans]
[applause]
[audience cheers]
[Joe] Oh, God.
Lads, that means I'm in negative points!
[laughter]
I didn't even spot that on the card
'cause I was too busy commentating.
Guys, how about... because I'm in negative points anyway,
Yes?
Maybe I should take on Joe's five points as well.
For docking.
Can I say that's a really shit idea?
It doesn't work like that. This isn't the Good Samaritan.
We make the rules, Sausage Gloves.
[laughter]
Hey, explore this a bit more.
OK, well, because she ate chocolate,
Mel goes from one point to minus four.
Lolly stays on zero. Joe goes from five points to zero.
Noel stays on three and Hugh stays on four.
- So he wins the task. - [Greg] Incredible.
[applause]
And what's that done to our scoreboard, Alex?
Well, he's only stretched his lead.
He's catchable but he's on 19 points. Noel Fielding, still in the lead.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, how annoying.
Well, we need to get a solid answer on today's winner,
so could you please vacate your seats
and prepare for the final task of the show!
Hello. We've got some musicians, Greg.
Oh, well, let's welcome our musicians, please.
[Alex] Yes, there they are.
[applause]
Who's gonna read the task out,
so we can see where these talented gentlemen fit into the show?
- Shall we go for Lolly Adefope? - Yes, please.
[Alex] OK, Lolly.
Can I touch it?
[laughter and gasps]
"Take it in turns to stay a five-letter word whenever the music stops."
Oh, great!
"You may not say a word that has previously been said."
"If you fail to say a word before the music starts again,
you are eliminated and the game continues with different-length words."
[Mel gasps]
[Alex] There's one winner of this task.
One winner will get five points. That's it.
Can we start with Noel, 'cause he's pacing like a puma.
So, we'll start with Noel. I will point at you as well,
just in case you don't understand the rules.
But it's a five-letter word.
Once you're out, we're gonna choose a different length of word.
OK.
Good luck, everyone. Ready, everyone?
Yeah.
This is a little song called "Midnight".
[♪ jaunty music ♪]
Flood.
♪ ♪ ♪
Bingo!
♪ ♪ ♪
Party.
♪ ♪ ♪
Tasks.
♪ ♪ ♪
Swede.
♪ ♪ ♪
Break.
♪ ♪ ♪
Wembley!
[laughter]
I'm out!
Mel, if you could have a seat, please. You're out.
[Mel groans] Oh, so bad.
[Alex] So, it's Lolly next. We're gonna do six-letter words.
As quick as you can. "Midnight"!
[♪ tempo increases ♪]
Master.
♪ ♪ ♪
Carrot.
♪ ♪ ♪
Doubts.
♪ ♪ ♪
Fishes.
♪ ♪ ♪
Fishes...? Oh!
[Alex] Yes, he said fishes.
Oh, fishes. Sorry.
Oh, I was thinking of the plural of fish.
You might find it easier to put it into a sentence.
- "He fishes. She doesn't know what a chicken is." - [Lolly] Sorry! Please, please, please.
[laughter]
- Lolly, if you could have a seat. - [Lolly groans]
[Mel] Oh, Lolly!
Sorry, Lolly.
OK, so we're gonna start again with Noel.
Yes.
We're doing seven-letter words.
Off we go. "Midnight"!
♪ ♪ ♪
Frights.
♪ ♪ ♪
Rabbits.
♪ ♪ ♪
Sweden's.
[laughter]
Why?
"Swedens"?
Sweden's! It's "of Sweden." It's got a thingy in it.
Well, it's your call, Greg.
Alright. No more apostrophes from now on.
Start with Hugh, seven letters. Let's go.
♪ ♪ ♪
Caravan!
♪ ♪ ♪
Wembley.
♪ ♪ ♪
Parties.
♪ ♪ ♪
Sweden's!
[laughter]
- [Alex] He's off, he's off. - [Greg] That's it. That's it, mate!
Sit down.
I self-destructed.
OK, it's the final, and this time we're looking for...
two-letter words.
- [Greg] Two-letter words. - [Joe] No!
We're starting off with Noel. Off you go.
- Two-letter words? - Two-letter words.
♪ ♪ ♪
As.
♪ ♪ ♪
It!
♪ ♪ ♪
If.
♪ ♪ ♪
Be.
♪ ♪ ♪
On.
♪ ♪ ♪
Of.
♪ ♪ ♪
[audience gasps]
[cheers and applause]
How did that affect our scores?
Well, it's an amazing situation.
Noel was five points ahead of Joe.
A clear winner, surely.
No, because the scoreboard now looks like this.
[everyone gasps]
Ah, the dreaded tie-break scenario.
- Alex? - Mm-hm.
Can you sort this mess out, please?
I will, Greg.
We thought the best way to sort this out
would be with wine. Not drinking it,
decanting it into another bottle, from atop an umpire's chair.
Right.
- [Alex] OK? - [Greg] Yes.
So they've both done this. Let's have a look at the wine tie-break.
"You have one minute. Your time starts now."
[Joe laughs] Shit.
I've never decanted wine in my life.
[Joe laughs]
Ooh, that was it.
I could just drink this and then piss in there.
[Joe laughs]
[whistle blows]
[Alex] You've got ten seconds left though, Noel.
Ten seconds left?
- [Alex] Yeah. - Oh! [he laughs]
[laughter and applause]
Noel got more than you'd think from that technique.
He got, well, 18 millilitres,
including little shards of glass,
into the other bottle.
16 millilitres of wine into the other bottle.
Joe, er, got seven...
...ty-nine millilitres of wine.
So we do have a winner, and that winner...
Mr Joe Lycett!
[cheers and applause]
I won a show!
Incredible. Joe won.
The rightful winner of several subscriptions.
Please make your way to the stage to collect your prizes!
There it is. That's the end of another episode.
And the start of a whole new chapter in our lives together, Greg.
- No? - No.
No?
No, I don't like it. I don't like the contact.
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt that Lolly is bad at rules,
camouflage and identifying birds.
And that Mel transports meat in gloves.
That's the end of the show, then.
Please clap your hands together once more for today's winner,
Mr Joe Lycett!
[cheers and applause]
Goodbye!
Did I hit a camera?
[subtitles by tribbletown]