Hello!
I am Greg Davies. Welcome to the Taskmaster series four grand final!
[applause]
It has been an incredibly competitive series,
complete with some of the most brilliant
and disturbing task attempts we've ever seen.
But what a journey our five comedians have been on.
Roughly an hour in an executive car from their homes to the studios.
The poor things.
- Still... - [laughter]
They should, on the whole, be very proud of themselves.
Before too long, one of them will take home
the whole reason for being here.
Me. In head form.
[laughter]
Shall we meet our finalists?
Yes. They are...
Hugh Dennis!
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
And Noel Fielding!
[applause]
And for the last time this series, who's on my left?
- ♪ It's little Alex Hooorne ♪ - Alex Horne. Alex Horne.
[cheers and applause]
How are you, you irritating little chicken?
[laughter]
Good. Excited about the final.
Yeah?
I thought I could try an anecdote for the first time.
Oh, that'll be nice.
- Recently... - Yep?
I had a close shave, 'cause I was quite naughty,
which I know you don't like.
And then I had to have a taste of my own medicine,
but it was fine, because it was my own medicine,
and it was penicillin, and I quite like penicillin.
That's my anecdote.
[laughter]
So, Alex, let's start the show properly.
What's the final prize category?
I'm so sorry. It's a big one.
- BIG! - It's a big one. It's big.
This time we've asked them to bring in, for the prize,
the most cash.
OK?
- [laughter] - Woo!
Here we go. So, whoever has brought in the most cash
will get in the first five points of the show.
Whoever wins the episode will bring home the bacon.
As in, all the cash. OK?
Yep, good. Let's start. Hugh?
Now, I'm presuming that you are ludicrously rich.
So you will have brought a vast amount of cash.
I have brought with me...
two million.
Vietnamese dong.
[laughter]
We can see Hugh's dong. There it is.
[Greg] How lovely to see your dong blown up on a screen.
[laughter]
How much are Hugh's dongs worth?
Well, it's two million dong there. It's worth £72.20.
- Oh. - Hmm.
Seventy-two pounds. Thanks, Hugh.
For securing last place.
[laughter]
- Who's next? Joe? - Yes.
I have brought in...
two hundred and fifty...
English sterling pounds.
- [audience] Wooo! - Simple as that?
Not as simple as that.
It is in pennies.
[applause]
- [Alex] It's a lot of cash. - [Joe] It's a lot of cash.
Most cash.
It weight 89 kilograms.
[audience gasps]
Well done, you know, I mean...
- It's a lot of cash. - That's £250.
Noel?
What I was thinking was, "Why don't I invent my own currency?"
So I've invented the note and I've spent a long time painting it.
[applause]
[Mel] That's really good.
- I think I've nailed Alex. - [Alex] Mm-hm.
I've given Greg too much neck, sorry.
But how much is it worth?
Can you put a price on how happy we are,
massaging our egos, making us feel good about ourselves?
We've both got crushingly low self-esteem.
Haven't you?
[laughter]
Mel?
Now... I'm part of a sort of poker circle.
- With Mary Berry... - [Greg] Yeah?
- Judith Chalmers. - [Greg] Chalmers?
Rippon, Angela.
Oh, Rippon. Nasty piece of work.
- [Mel] Yeah. - Always carries a blade.
- [Mel] Exactly. - [laughter]
We were having a very intense poker circle night.
Yeah?
I came away with nearly a million pounds of the realm.
- Check it out, gang. - [Alex] Mm-hm.
- [Mel] It's for real. - [Greg] What?!
- [Joe] A million pounds? - [Mel] Nearly a million.
[Greg] Genuine...?
[Alex] Well, yeah, the top layer is genuine, yeah.
- The top layer is genuine. - OK.
And the catch?
And then underneath that, there is Monopoly money.
[laughter]
But it is genuinely £987,000
- of Monopoly money. - [Mel] Exactly.
- It's 48 board games' worth. - [Mel] Thank you.
- There was also £250. - It's £240 on the top.
£240 on top, real money.
OK, that puts her just below Joe Lycett's coppers.
True, and if she hadn't spent all the money on the Monopoly boards,
Well, she spent £815.12 on the Monopoly sets.
[laughter and applause]
[Greg] Lolly?
So, what I've done is I've brought in a blank cheque,
and I'm just gonna put 1p more than whoever is in the lead.
And just... just win.
- There's the cheque. Have a look. - [cheers and applause]
[Greg] Yeah, but are you good for it, Lolly?
- What have you got? - [Lolly] Oh, yes.
What cash have you got?
Well, I'm sitting on £2,000.
- [Greg] What d'you mean? - [Lolly] In cash.
[Mel] What?!
[laughter]
I just thought, "Just have a backup."
- [Greg] Have two grand. - So I've emptied out...
[laughter and applause]
Lolly! Very strong.
[laughter]
Alright, then. Does that help you make your mind up?
- Yeah. - Well, good.
[laughter]
Fifth place?
Well, this is gonna be a big surprise to you.
Ding dong.
[laughter]
Mel, I'm really sorry, but you come in fourth place,
'cause it's not real money.
Noel, I'm putting you in third place.
It's brilliant, but it's not legal tender.
Joe, second. It's the second most cash.
This is the most cash. Lolly is the winner.
OK. Five points to Lolly Adefope.
[cheers and applause]
OK, Greg, before the first task,
shall I update you on the series scoreboard?
OK, Alex.
OK, so, in fifth place, Mel Giedroyc.
Lolly's off last place for the first time in the whole series.
[applause]
It goes Mel on 115, Hugh and Lolly on 117,
Joe on 124 and Noel on 127. It's close.
- Very close. - Oooh!
[Alex] Woo-hoo-hoo!
OK, Alex. What have we got first?
It's lunch time.
Hel-- Ooh.
Now, there's exciting.
Ahhh.
It's a hat. You just don't understand fashion.
I'm ready for the party.
[laughter]
"Make the most exotic sandwich."
"You have ten minutes to plan your exotic sandwich..."
"...then ten minutes to construct it."
"Your time starts now."
Right.
What do you think "exotic" means?
That, to me, says maybe fillings that have
never been seen in a sandwich before.
Um...
OK.
So, what I would like, please, is...
Some Moroccan flatbread...
Turkish delight.
That's very exotic.
Get me some wholemeal bread and maybe some pita bread as well.
Wholemeal, though. I'm not an idiot.
So, I need a kumquat.
A Gregg's sausage roll.
Kiwi fruit.
- Let's go all sweet. - [Alex] Mm-hm.
Heck. Everyone's gonna go savoury, aren't they?
Some smoked trout.
Then a Crunchie bar.
Then a Kit-Kat.
Then a Double Decker.
Oh, a yam.
Tequila. Some tequila.
What they eat in France.
Er, croissants.
[Alex] OK. I'll go shopping.
OK.
- Shall I come with you? - [Alex] No, thank you.
- Do you need money? - No.
OK.
Bag for Life?
See you later.
[applause]
I wanna start with Mel.
She looked very excited and I'm keen to see her sandwich.
OK. She did say, before she started,
"I want to blow the Taskmaster's tiny mind."
Here we go.
[laughter]
This is so good.
Alright.
Chocolate spread.
Good layer of the Chocolate Orange.
Little breadski.
Double Deckers.
Bit more of the Nutella.
Let's go for the Crunchie.
[Alex] Three minutes.
Three minutes?! Wah!
Let's do some M&Ms.
- [audience groans] - Phwoar.
Malties.
I can see why people get stressed out on these cookery shows.
This is absolutely appallingly stressful.
Just bronzing up the marshmallows.
[whistle blows]
That, to me, is like a sort of Japanese pagoda.
Can I give you this as well, Mel?
- Yes. - Just to say thank you.
- Is that for me? - Yes.
Thank you.
"Eat your exotic sandwich. Fastest wins."
[laughter and applause]
[Alex] Final line, please, Mel.
What's the task say, Mel?
- "Time starts now." - OK.
Oh, gang.
[laughter]
[muffled] Something's gone up my nose.
[applause]
I've got something up my nose.
- Let's see. - Something's gone up my nose!
It's...
What is it, mate?
It's an M&M.
Is it?
[they laugh]
I can't do any more than that.
[Alex] Stop the clock?
Mm-hm.
[cheers and applause]
Those showbiz nights, eh?
Snorting M&Ms.
Only blue ones.
- Only blue, of course. - Only blue ones.
Is it exotic, that sandwich? It's sort of...
I mean, it's instant diabetes, isn't it?
[laughter]
Well, I suppose so. It was...
Turkish delight, Crunchie, Kit-Kat, Double Decker,
Twix, Snickers, M&Ms, icing sugar, marshmallows,
chocolate eggs, Chocolate Oranges, Nutella and a blowtorch.
- I suppose it's sort of exotic. - [laughter]
So you're gonna judge the most exotic and then I'll tell you...
It was meant to be who can eat their sandwich the fastest.
I can reveal nobody finished their sandwich.
So it's who ate the most of their sandwich.
You ate four good-sized bites, essentially one Double-Decker,
and you inhaled the M&M.
[laughter]
It's gotta be a bonus, a nasal M&M, hasn't it?
Always.
OK, I'm pressing pause with one of my massive thumbs.
Come back to us soon to see celebrities eating things.
Hello!
Welcome back to the final of Taskmaster. What was going down, Alex?
Well, bits of sandwich were going down, Greg.
They've been making exotic sandwiches with exotic ingredients.
But we've recently found out from Mel,
there was a dramatic second part to the task.
OK. Here are Hugh, Joe and Lolly, the savoury sandwich-makers.
It's sandwich tiiime.
[nibbling noises]
Add a bit of halloumi there.
Put the meat in first.
Put the lamb bhuna sauce.
Salmon.
I mean, ideally the yam would've been cooked.
Pomegranate. Lovely.
Just banana and kiwi.
You don't need much tequila.
Little bit of that sausage roll there.
[Alex chuckles] Oh.
That's all the smoked trout.
And the Arctic roll.
[laughter]
[Alex chuckles]
[Lolly] I think that's it.
[she laughs]
Well, well done. I've got this for you as well.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
You fucking prick.
No!
[Alex] What does it say, Lolly?
It says, "Eat your exotic sandwich."
[laughing] "Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
No!
Beautiful. Well...
Here we go.
[audience groans]
It's delicious.
[laughter]
[Lolly] I think I'm done, though.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
[Alex] Stop the clock.
- [Joe] That's how you eat it. - [Alex] Oh, you've finished, have you?
Mm, that's how you finish it.
All gone.
[Alex] Do you think the Taskmaster thinks you've eaten the sandwich?
I'm not sure if he's ever had a Mother's Delight, so...
If he wants to argue that that's not finished, then...
that's up to him, isn't it?
[Alex] Hmm. Mother's Delight.
[applause]
Joe, your sandwich, that amongst other ingredients...
had an Arctic roll and some trout...
[laughter]
Why was that called a Mother's Delight?
'Cause Alex asked me what it was called,
and I, in a panic, said Mother's Delight.
[laughter]
How were the corners of your Mother's Delight?
Fucking horrible.
[laughter]
Lolly, mainly prawns and frankfurters.
- [Greg] Yep. - [Alex] Mainly.
I actually quite liked mine.
Yeah, you ate for six minutes.
[laughter]
[Alex] And then Hugh.
Hugh. Interesting.
Well, I have divided it into two different sides of the sandwich.
Right.
So the first half of the sandwich was, I believe...
[Alex] I can tell you, if you want.
Sashimi, halloumi, wasabi peas...
Parma ham and Moroccan flatbread. It was delicous.
It just sounds like I'd buy at Marks & Spencer's.
What fucking Marks & Spencer's do you go to?
[laughter]
- Are you OK? - [Hugh] You can't get anything like that.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm not used to someone raising their voice at me like that.
My instinct is to jump on him like a puma.
[laughter]
In Hugh's favour, he did eat pretty much...
He tucked some away, threw some away,
but he ate more than anyone else.
Of course he did, 'cause it was just a normal sandwich.
One person left. This is Noel Fielding's exotic sandwich.
Well, I thought about an exotic sandwich,
and then I thought about how I could put a spin on that.
So I thought maybe an exotic dance sandwich.
So I'll have to attach some bread to you.
And get you to do a tiny exotic dance.
[Noel laughs]
[laughter]
Is that gonna work? Let go?
Ah, sort of.
This is gonna be a powerful sandwich.
It's more like a bread collage, really, when you think about it.
You look exotic, I would say.
I'm just gonna get into position.
Look through my bready peep-hole.
Get ready to get turned on.
Cue music.
[stripper music plays]
[laughter]
Why are you laughing?
[applause]
Woo!
[Noel wolf-whistles]
[Noel laughs]
[laughter]
[Noel wolf-whistles]
[laughter]
[Alex] Yeah?
Beautiful, beautiful thing.
Thank you so much.
This is for you.
Oh, this is amazing.
[laughter and applause]
[laughing] "Eat your exotic sandwich."
It's not that kind of show.
How are we gonna do this?
I dunno, but your time starts now.
OK. Just a nibble off the side.
[laughter]
I don't have to eat the whole thing, do I?
Have a bit from the other side.
[Alex] You've had a lot of the bread and not much of the filling.
[laughter]
How are we gonna do this?
Dunno. It was your idea.
[audience groans]
Beard sandwich.
[audience gasps]
Stop the clock.
That's OK. Your beard's unbelievable.
- Tastes like passion fruit. - Not ginger?
Lavender and Pot Noodle mixed together.
Those are all good.
- Nice. - Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[Mel] So good.
[applause]
Well, that was exotic, wasn't it?
Mm-hm.
I think I've literally never been further out of my comfort zone.
[laughter]
The idea that he was made to do an erotic dance...
I say "erotic", I once walked...
I accidentally walked in on my nan in the bath once.
And that's the least erotic thing I've ever seen.
[laughter]
He ate your old horrible beard.
[laughter]
I'm giving Noel a bonus point for eating hair.
I mean, you are aware that when we're at home,
Alex is only allowed to move around like a snake.
[laughter]
That beard is full of mouse droppings.
[laughter]
[Greg] OK, here we go.
- Least exotic? - Least exotic...
♪ He popped to M&S and he bought himself a sandwich ♪
♪ Hugh Dennis ♪
Mel, I loved your sandwich,
but it's only exotic if you're five years of age.
Lolly, absolutely horrific.
- [Alex] OK, third? - Third place.
Second place, Joe.
Combining trout and ice cream, very brave,
but not as exotic as Mr Noel Fielding.
[cheers and applause]
There are extra points to be had for the amount consumed.
Yeah, and it is...
exactly inversely proportional,
and I guess this isn't surprising.
You've given them five, four, three, two, one points.
I've given them one, two, three, four, five points.
So they each get six points, so there's no point doing any of it.
[laughter and applause]
[Mel] We all get six points.
Greg, what about my extra point for the beard?
- You got an extra point for the beard. - OK, Noel gets seven.
I thought I got an extra one for the...
[Alex] Oh, did Mel get one for snorting?
Yeah, you said you were gonna give me an extra one for snorting.
[Greg] Yep.
So just to confirm, it's six points, six points,
six points, seven points, seven points,
which means the scoreboard looks like this.
Lolly's in the lead, Noel and Joe are both in second place.
[cheers and applause]
That's the end of that part. See you deep inside the next one.
It's part three of the final and we are playing for big money,
or in Hugh's case, big dong.
What's next, Alex?
It's the world's greatest sporting dilemma.
See ya later, boys!
[Alex] Hello, Hugh.
I didn't wear my football boots.
Should I... go and get them?
[Alex] I think you'll be alright for this one.
That's a relief. I left them in Birmingham.
Ooh.
- Don't want too many gloves. - [Alex] No.
[Joe] Now, what is that?
[Alex] It's a type of cheese.
Er, that's a duck.
That's a coconut.
And a ping-pong ball, I'm gonna guess.
"Strike one of these objects..."
"...furthest distance with one of the other objects."
"You have three strikes with your chosen object."
So if I select one of these and one of those, yeah?
- [Alex] Then you get three goes. - Then I get three chances.
[applause]
So I imagine this is all about club selection, right?
That's right. We're at the home of golf,
Chesham United Football Club, and...
[laughter]
They had three attempts, but they had to use
the same objects on every attempt.
OK, so do you want to start off with the two most natural sportspeople?
The most natural sportsmen, Joe and Mel.
Joe and Mel. OK.
I'm thinking it would be foolish to use the flotation device.
We do aquaerobics with these.
Piece of shit, innit?
That, I sense, could be a really good...
whack with the duck, maybe.
The coconut has the most weight to it.
The problem is, the impact on the coconut could destroy it.
I'm gonna go for... snooker cue and duck.
Or the cheese, or the cheese.
It's not as nice as you remember, is it?
[laughter]
Can I put it on the tea?
[Alex] Why not?
[Alex] Attempt one.
[laughter]
So my fears have become very real.
[laughter]
Two.
That was just the tester, that one.
[Alex] I think that counts as your second go, Joe.
[Alex] This is your last attempt.
Yeah.
[Alex] Very, very straight.
Oh, oh! Do you see that little bit there?
I've got my eye on it, I've got my eye on it.
Eight metres and 12 centimetres.
Not outrageous, is it?
Eighteen metres 45.
Lovely.
Good game of golf, that, with the lads.
[applause]
Really wonderful performances.
Interesting, you were almost scientific in your prediction
of how the coconut would behave when hit with a snooker cue,
and yet you continued.
[laughter]
[Alex] I mean, they were both pretty good.
Eight metres 12 for Mel. That's quite far,
except when you consider that the world's longest hot dog is 204 metres.
[laughter]
[Alex] 204 metres.
That has certainly put things in perspective, hasn't it?
Up next, Lolly Adefope.
[Alex] Are we going snooker cue?
I'm not sure yet.
I'm gonna go with the pencil and the coconut.
[Alex] Pencil, coconut.
[laughter]
OK, do you want me to measure that?
I think that was backwards.
- That one. - Yes, it didn't go forwards.
- That one didn't go forwards as well. - No, no it didn't.
- This is your last attempt, Lolly. - Oh, my gosh.
[she laughs] Oh!
No!
You didn't hit it.
It was, I mean, you dropped it 25 centimetres.
[she groans]
I'm really sorry, guys.
- [sad piano music plays] - [audience] Awww.
[applause]
I have... I have nightmares about that.
Every night.
It's nice, you know, because people sit at home
and watch telly, and sometimes think people they
see on their telly are untouchable, you know?
[laughter]
How nice. How nice for you, not only to appear to be just one of them...
- [Lolly] Vulnerable. - ...but worse. Worse than them.
[laughter]
So she didn't even clip it, did she?
She was the only one not to use the snooker cue.
She sort of dropped it and it rolled 20 centimetres,
which is shorter than the standard British sausage.
[laughter]
So I've revealed that Hugh and Noel both used the snooker cue.
They also hit the same object. Let's see who hit it further.
That's a very, very, very long thing, isn't it?
[laughter]
That's definitely a strike.
I don't think there's much chance of me hitting the cheese again.
- Dead straight, as well. - Dead straight.
Now we're talking.
[cheers and applause]
Where did that go?
[Noel] Might just leave it there.
[Alex] I mean, that's, I would say,
the best thing you've ever done in your life.
- [laughter] - [Noel laughs]
[Noel] Hopefully not.
[cheers and applause]
Wow!
Weird, innit, but before this show, I'd sort of thought of you as this
sort of weirdy art nymph.
But the more I see you, you're just a lad.
Just like, "Wahey!"
I think that's a wig. All those clothes are just for telly.
At the weekend, you go out, they call you Tony Three Pies,
and you're out, "Wahey, come on boys!"
How far did he hit it?
He hit it 29 metres.
Well, 123 sausages. Incredible.
- [applause] - Wow!
[Alex] 29 metres 60.
With a short cue.
[Alex] Hugh was amazing as well.
Hugh was very poised.
It was 24 metres. It was 100 sausages.
You were both incredible at whacking cheese with a snooker cue.
So the points were, Lolly gets one,
Mel two, Joe three, Hugh four,
but Noel Fielding gets five points for that task.
[cheers and applause]
Is there another task lined up, Alex Horne?
There is, and you'll be surprised with this one, hopefully.
- Hmm! - Ooh.
- Hello, Lolly! - Hello, Alex.
[Alex] Do you like a bath?
Ohh, always a bath, never a shower.
Who's this guy? Same outfit.
Alright?
Shall we just go for it?
[he chuckles]
"Do something surprising with this rubber duck."
"Most surprising wins."
"You have ten minutes to plan your surprising thing..."
"...then ten minutes to do it."
I've got to think, what hasn't ever been done with a rubber duck before?
"Your time starts now."
[applause]
I'm a bath guy as well.
- I like a bath. Never a shower. - Yeah.
Alex has never had a shower or a bath.
I make him clean himself like a massive cat.
[laughter]
Who are we gonna see first?
Well, I think probably Joe.
Joe was the only one who spent...
nearly all of the ten minutes in the bath.
[laughter]
It's not a video we're going to see, is it? You've brought your duck with you.
Surprise.
- [applause] - [Greg] I'm already surprised.
- [Lolly] Oooh. - That's upped the game somewhat.
Have a little look at that.
There's some writing on the bottom of this duck.
You read it out, I'll put it on the board.
"Dear Greg, I've bought you a holiday. Love, Joe."
[audience gasps]
Here is the holiday.
[applause]
[Alex] What's the holiday, Greg?
An overnight stay in a timber yurt.
[laughter and applause]
[Alex] Not any old timber yurt.
It's set over 1,000 feet above sea level.
- Fucking is. - [Alex] Your favourite...
I mean, it's actually quite good.
[laughter]
Most people would just think that was a novelty and not go.
- I'm going to the fucking yurt. - [Alex] OK.
[laughter]
OK, next surprise?
- Yes, please. - OK.
We're gonna see Lolly Adefope's duck surprise.
[laughter]
[Lolly] So beautiful.
So emotional.
[applause]
Aww, lovely!
It was certainly a surprise for the fucking duck.
[laughter]
I thought it was really sweet.
Make a duck fly. You're like a latter-day Keith Harris.
[laughter]
Who's next?
Two down. It's time to see Hugh Dennis's surprise,
so prepare yourself.
OK, so this, this is for you.
What noise do ducks make?
[Mel] Quack, quack, quack.
This is a surprising duck.
- Yeah? - You have to turn it over.
[duck moos]
[laughter and applause]
That's quite good.
[duck moos]
It's really lovely, Hugh.
[Hugh] Sweet, isn't it?
Can you imagine the look in his eye as he was...
cutting up the cow?
- [laughter] - I cannot imagine...
the look in a 55-year-old man's eyes
when he made this mooing duck.
- [Alex] OK. - [laughter]
Right, stop everything.
That is my last link into a break this series.
Let's take a moment to soak it up.
OK, good. See you soon.
Hello and welcome back for the final time
in this mucky rollercoaster ride of a series.
Who will win this episode?
Who will become the series champion? Alex?
So, they've been trying to surprise you with a duck.
Up next, Mel Giedroyc.
I'm thinking I might...
surprise somebody from the outside world.
Hiya!
Some food's arrived.
[Mel] Can I ask you, would you mind helping me with something?
Now, Alex...
- Yes, Mel? - Good news.
You said you wanted something surprising with the rubber duck.
Morello! Come on, Morello.
Park up just there, my love.
Amazing, thank you.
Now, Morello. Have a look in your courier box.
How do you feel about that?
I didn't expect it.
A bit surprised?
Surprised. I didn't expect it, no.
On a scale of surprise, nought to ten,
how surprised are you feeling at the moment?
A lot of surprise. I don't know how that appeared in here.
[Alex] We need a number, Morello. Out of ten, how surprised?
Um...
Ten.
[Alex] Whoa, maximum.
Morello, you've been amazing. Thanks so much.
Oh, you're a ledge. Thanks, Morello!
Bye!
[applause]
I mean, there's a lot to unpick there, isn't there?
I mean, this may be pertinent. Who the fuck was Morello?
[laughter]
- Where did he come from? - I met him outside. Super chap.
- He seemed like a nice chap. - [Mel] Very amenable.
I'm gonna say he seemed baffled.
[laughter]
What was your technique to get the duck into the...
I made him look away and then I slipped it into his box.
[laughter]
You fried Morello's brain.
And he was so shocked, his facial expression didn't change at all.
It's like he'd been frozen in carbon.
[laughter]
There we go, there's just one left now.
- One surprising duck. - That is so strange, Mel.
[laughter]
We're gonna see how Noel Fielding has attempted
- to surprise you with a duck. - [Greg] Yeah.
[laughter]
Gathered here today to witness the marriage of Noel to Ducky.
Do you, Noel Gregory Fielding,
take Ducky to be your lawful wedded husband?
I do, Tim.
Pop the ring on.
Noel, I now pronounce you wife and Ducky.
You may kiss the duck.
Bop!
[applause]
I married a duck.
[applause]
I loved the dress.
Can I just say that we did get Tim Key a marriage licence,
so I am... fucking married to a duck.
That's true.
We got him a marriage licence to marry people in Hawaii.
Oh.
So you've got to consummate the marriage in Hawaii before it counts.
I don't think that's on the certificate.
I don't think... They're married as long he takes the duck to Hawaii and fucks it.
[laughter]
Shall I make a swift judgment?
OK.
OK, I'm sorry, Lolly.
I'm gonna put you in last place, purely because
I'm not surprised you did something so positive and upbeat.
Because, you know, there's still hope in your life.
I'm going to put Hugh Dennis next. Fourth place.
Joe in third, because my instinct is, he is a generous person,
so the fact that he would buy me a lovely yurt holiday
- doesn't surprise me that much. - [Alex] OK.
It doesn't surprise me at all that Noel would attempt to marry a duck.
The fact that he has actually married a duck does surprise me.
Second place.
But there is nothing more surprising I've seen this series
than that poor baffled man's face.
So Mel must take top honours on this occasion.
[applause]
Little Morello. So sweet.
- So, do you want to see the scoreboard? - Yes, please.
OK, Noel is in the lead with 19 points at the moment.
[Greg whistles]
[applause]
Right, the end is in sight.
Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the series!
[applause]
Very artistic. OK, Lolly, would you read out the task, please?
- Hello, Lolly. - Hello, Alex.
"Draw the median duck."
"The median duck alone wins."
"You have 100 seconds."
"There will also be a bonus point for best duck picture."
Did you say "medium"?
- [Greg] Median. - Median. Average.
Your aim is to draw the third biggest duck, 'cause that's the median--
I don't know what fucking size everyone else is gonna draw!
[laughter]
- Sort of the point of the game. - [Mel] OK.
[laughter and applause]
[Mel] OK, thanks.
Hundred seconds starting...
[blows whistle] ...then.
[cheers and applause]
That's lovely. That is lovely. Very nice.
Oh, lovely shading. Lovely hatching.
It's a lovely duck.
He's an artist. He's an artist.
[audience] Five, four, three, two, one...
[blows whistle]
[applause]
OK. OK, ladies and gentlemen.
Which duck would you like to see?
[audience] Duck one!
- Is that me? - Yeah.
Remember, ducks aren't really yellow.
[laughter and applause]
[Alex] Big old duck.
And they don't always look like ducks.
[laughter]
Which duck would you like to see?
[audience] Duck two!
That's you, Joe. Duck two.
- You asked to see the median duck. - [Alex] Mm-hm.
So I did the median duck.
That says, and I have drawn, the median duck.
Or have you written it?
I have drawn it.
[laughter]
Please.
I have thought about the task.
And I have written...
Drawn!
[laughter and applause]
Which duck do you want to see now?
[audience] Duck three!
That's you, Lolly. Show us your duck.
I have drawn a small duck.
And I've also written, "This has been a wonderful experience
and I will remember it until the day I die. Lolly Adefope."
- [Alex] Aww. - [audience] Awww.
[cheers and applause]
Which almost lets you off having not drawn a duck.
- It's a duck! - You've drawn a multicoloured kidney.
There was no yellow!
[laughter]
OK, which duck would you like to see?
[audience] Duck four!
- That's you, Mel. - Here we go.
Ooh, nice duck.
- [applause] - Lovely duck.
Little thing I just want to point out...
Considering the company we're in...
I put "co-median duck".
- [scattered laughter] - That went down well.
[Joe] No, they asked for the median duck.
I might just quickly measure Hugh and Mel's duck,
if that's alright, just to make sure this works.
[Greg] Yeah.
- So, a 21-inch duck. - [Greg] Yeah.
Compared to a, from bill to tail, 13-inch.
13-inch duck.
So we're looking for something between 13 inches and 6 inches.
Which duck would you like to see?
[audience] Duck five!
[audience gasps]
[Greg] Oh, it's a lovely duck.
- [Mel] It is lovely. - [Greg] It's a guffing duck.
[laughter]
If it's bigger than 13, then Mel has won the task.
It's 13 and a half inches, which means...
- Mel has drawn the median duck! - Mel is the median duck!
[cheers and applause]
YES!
Do you want to give a bonus point for best duck?
Noel gets the bonus point.
OK, there we go. Noel gets the bonus point.
[applause]
Will you please join us to find out
what that has done to the final scores?
[applause]
So, Mel's duck was extremely average,
which won her the task, but...
does it mean she's won the episode?
It might do. I've totted up the scores...
and the scoreboard looks like this.
[Greg gasps]
- She snuck into the front! - [Greg] She's smashed it!
[cheers and applause]
Mel is the winner of tonight's show.
Please go and claim your cash!
[cheers and applause]
[Greg] Let's hear it one more time for Mel!
[cheers and applause]
Right, here we go.
It's crunch time.
After eight episodes, 45 tasks, and let's not forget,
those 48 links in and out of commercial breaks,
it's finally time to palm this ludicrous trophy off on the overall winner.
[audience] Oooo!
But... who will be joining the ranks of such
esteemed Taskmaster royalty as past champions
Josh Widdicombe, Katherine Ryan, Rob Beckett?
- Alex? - Mm-hm?
It's over to you...
[dramatically] ...to reveal the ultimate scores!
Thanks, Greg. So, I've...
[laughter]
I've done some maths, and we can reveal,
with 144 points, the winner of the series is...
Mr Noooel Fielding!
[cheers and applause]
Congratulations.
[cheers and applause]
[Greg] Well done, everybody.
Thank you to all of our contestants,
but especially to our phenomenal victor, Mr Noel Fielding.
Thank you for watching, everyone.
See you next time. Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]