Hello, my name's Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
Welcome.
Over the past few months, five comedians, all with enormous potential,
have been competing in a series of ridiculous tasks.
And it's here that they've come to watch their trial unfold.
I say trial because this is basically a courtroom,
with me as the judge and jury.
And like in any courtroom, I will judge their actions most severely,
and without the slightest hint of compassion.
At the end of the series, the person that's accumulated the most points
will go home with this. Oooh.
- [audience] Wooo! - The Taskmaster trophy.
So, let's crack on and meet the people that want to win it. They are...
Aisling Bea!
Bob Mortimer!
Mark Watson!
Nish Kumar!
Sally Phillips!
Perched next to me, he's the thought that counts.
- Oh, look! It's little Alex Horne. - Little Alex Horne.
[cheers and applause]
Alex, what are you?
What am I?
I'm a normal guy, a normal guy.
I shoot from the hip.
So, appalling aim. It's too low.
And also, this is a fact about me.
I brush my teeth with Primula, the cheese spread,
'cause it's the same packaging, and it turns out
when you're an adult, you do what you want.
[laughter]
On we go with the show.
On we go, yes. It's the prize task, first of all.
Each week, the five aren't just competing for precious points,
but also for each other's belongings.
And for this show's prize item, we donned our thinking caps,
and then asked them to bring in their hippest item of headwear.
- Ooh. - Yes.
At the end of the show, one of them will go home with five items of hip headwear.
- OK. Nish Kumar. - Hello.
Tell me about your hat. Tell me why it's hip.
The hat that I've brought in was made for me,
in Disneyland.
My father's nickname for me is Nishi.
Here we go.
- [Alex] There. - [audience] Aww.
Nishi, according to Urban Dictionary,
is a very approachable, friendly, sexy girl.
[laughter]
[audience whoops]
Of course, when I want to buy hip things, I head to...
- [both] Disney World. - [laughter]
Want to see Aisling's hip hat?
- Yeah, I do, please. - OK.
I thought to myself, biodegradable,
eco-friendly,
maybe a celebrity endorsement,
and this is my hat.
It's a Yorkshire pudding hat!
[cheers and applause]
When is a hat not a meal?
Hey, Bob, we haven't got time for philosophy, mate.
- [laughter] - Sorry.
- Who are we seeing next? - We're gonna see Sally Phillips.
Phillips.
Well, it's headwear and it has some hips on it.
[laughter]
It's sort of more eyewear than headwear.
- It looks like weird-- - It's not! It's not.
The hips are attached to the white balaclava.
And on the top of the balaclava, in case this came up...
Right.
...I've attached a beret.
Do you wanna know how I described that in my notes?
I described that as, "Hip, hip, beret!"
[cheers and applause]
- Hip, hip, beret. - Yeah, yeah.
Very pleased with that.
[quietly] I've told you about the jokes.
Oh, yes.
- So sorry. - OK.
Who's next?
- Mark Watson's hat next. - Mark Watson.
Well, I've got a hat which, um...
has neon on it, and it lights up with the Taskmaster logo.
We'll show it to you.
[everyone gasps]
Jesus Christ.
[laughter]
I used a little trick we call "paying £400".
[laughter]
[applause]
Imagine how awful it would be, though,
if you spent all that money, and then the person judging...
decided that you should probably go last.
[laughter]
- Who's next? Bob, right? Last one. - Yes. Hello, Bob.
- Hi. - [Greg] Hi, Bob.
Yes, my hat was a gift to me from my friend Vic.
Vic Reeves, Jim Moir, a few years back.
And he described to me as a military hat
for a future war.
[laughter]
I think it's pretty hip.
Are you ready? Here it is.
[laughter and applause]
[Bob] There you have it.
- [Alex] Greg? - Yeah?
You're gonna have to judge them now.
- Oh, OK. - Yeah.
Do you want to start in the middle?
Start with the third best, and then work out?
- I like eating. - I know that.
Feels like a third place. Bang.
I'm always third place.
- [Greg] Aww. - [audience] Aww.
[English accent] And sometimes I will pay even 400 quid
just to stop being in third place.
We don't know yet how that works out.
[laughter]
I'll tell you how it works out. Fourth place.
[laughter and applause]
Most of the time I try and use logic,
but that was just gut instinct.
Yeah.
It's like it just fizzed up inside me and now I feel awful.
Well, we share a gut instinct, 'cause I sort of wish I hadn't done it as well.
[laughter]
Let's play a game and guess who's last.
Can I enter the game?
[laughter]
Congratulations!
So it's either a hat made of actual hips, or a war hat.
[laughter]
I'm gonna go for the brilliant literal interpretation
and give it to Sally Phillips.
- She takes the five points. - [Alex] Five points, first place.
[cheers and applause]
I mean, if it's any consolation, I do feel genuinely awful that I've done that.
Yeah, I know.
Is it worth me saying my line now, to lighten the mood?
Yeah.
Hat's entertainment. Hat's entertainment.
- What have I told you? - [laughter]
I sought permission.
- Just give me the first task. - OK.
The first task is what we call essential engineering works.
Oh, no.
[laughter]
Hello.
[Alex] Hello, Sally.
[she gasps]
I see the task is on a coconut.
"Make the best coconut- flinging machine."
"You have 20 minutes and one attempt."
"Furthest coconut fling wins."
"Your time starts..."
"...now."
OK, I'd better go and have a look in the shed.
So I have to make a machine to get this as far as possible.
[Alex] Is that what it says?
So, presumably, I can't just pick it up and chuck it.
[Alex] Are you a machine?
No.
Er, OK, so I've got to make a machine.
Right.
[applause]
It's just sort of classic Taskmaster fodder, really, isn't it?
It's five well-educated people...
constructing a machine to fire a coconut as far as possible.
OK, we're gonna see the construction process of a machine, first of all.
And we're grouped together Sally, Nish and Aisling,
because it felt nice slash right.
- Oh. - [Alex] OK?
Oh, it's gonna be so good.
So, like a... We need a fulcrum of some sort.
Oh, hello! What have we here?
I'm gonna gaffer-tape the bottom of this rollerblade to the coconut.
to make it heavier, and also when it lands,
it'll be able to roll a bit further.
Right. I've found a quick problem.
[she exhales] Couldn't get a cup of tea, could I?
- Eleven minutes left. - Mm-hm, yep.
I'm a bit nervous now, to be honest.
- What about? - Time.
[laughter]
Right. Here we go.
Ow!
OK.
We're ready to go.
What are you trying to do?
- I'm trying to find a fulcrum. - Yeah.
I could use you.
Place yourself under that.
So that goes down like that.
What about... No.
It's not quite staying in place, is it?
Shitting piss.
[laughter]
Right, this is it.
Do it.
- [applause] - [Alex] Hmm. Exciting.
Well, I can think we can all agree that they made machines of sorts.
- Yes? - Can we?
We had a bow, a fulcrum.
You said "fulcrum" twice within the first minute.
- Oooh! - [laughter]
You double-fulcrumed it.
[laughter]
And then a catapult system.
OK, so this is all three of their actual attempts.
- Right, you ready? - Yes.
- Five, four... - Am I doing it on one?
Sally?
Good night and good luck.
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two!
One!
LAUNCH!
[laughter and applause]
Launch!
[laughter and applause]
[Alex] Is it finished rolling?
It's finished rolling.
[laughter]
[Aisling sobs]
Both the films Gladiator and Braveheart
would never have gone anywhere if that was the first shot fired.
Hindsight is 20/20, Gregory, you know?
Sometimes you just set yourself up, you think,
"I'm gonna be a fat, Indian Robin Hood,"
and you go for it, OK?
[laughter and applause]
- Let's talk cold facts. - OK.
Tell me some distances.
Well, Aisling's travelled four metres 40,
bearing in mind, you were standing on a sloped driveway,
which is well over four metres 40, and it was on a rollerskate,
so you could've just pushed it.
[laughter]
- Anway, four metres 40. - [Aisling] Yes, yes.
- Nish. - Yes, Alex?
- Five metres 30. - [Aisling] Damn it!
The equivalent of flinging a coconut over an enormous river.
A very deep but narrow river.
[laughter]
Imagine getting less than that mighty bowman.
I don't have to imagine. It's happened.
[laughter]
And Sally?
Sally, exactly the same length as her stick.
Five metres 50.
- [Nish groans] - [audience] Wooo!
- [applause] - [Alex] She's in the lead.
Bob and Mark are still to fling,
but first, loads and loads of adverts.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we're just having such a great time together.
I can't remember what was happening, though, Alex.
Well, our five affluent competitors are trying to make coconut-flinging machines.
So far, Sally, Nish and Aisling have made machines and flung.
Let's take a look at Bob and Mark constructing their flingers.
Now, I'm not very mechanically-minded, so I'm...
[Alex] What are you looking for?
That is the problem.
I'm just looking around for any obvious coconut-flinging devices, first of all.
I can practice, yeah?
[Alex] Yes.
- Where do I do my flinging? - Wherever you want, Bob.
Hmm.
I'm gonna give this a go. Just see what's...
- You know what I mean? - OK.
See what the feeling of it is.
[laughter]
I mean... Yeah, hi.
How will you know that the coconut's been... flung?
Oh, I'll be watching.
Yeah, but I mean, what's the actual...
- What designates an actual fling? - What do you think flinging means?
Well, flinging means throwing, really, doesn't it?
Have you seen machines?
Tell me the most basic machine you've ever seen.
I'd say a machine is almost anything mechanical, really.
- OK. And you've got a hat. - Yeah.
- Is that mechanical? - Yeah.
A hat is mechanical?
[Alex] That's a nice fit.
You just...
I'm just, um, testing the workings of the...
machine.
[Alex] Sorry, the hat?
Well, this is my flinging machine.
- I'm ready to do it. - OK.
- Good luck, Mark. - Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
I put it to you, Mark...
that a hat is not a machine.
Your other hat was more a machine. The one you paid 400 quid...
[Nish] Yeah.
[laughter and applause]
I did find evidence on the internet that a hat can be a machine,
which I then sent to Alex.
You did send me a link to a site,
which it seemed like there was evidence that machines could include hats.
Do you want to see it? It's called Wikipedia.
And the entrance on machines, the final word there...
You can see the list of machines...
[laughter]
Computers, televisions, radios and hats.
[applause]
See, the thing is, my instinct is that the crutch is more of a machine.
Well, it's metal and it had moving parts...
- that I could adjust. - It's metal and it's got moving parts.
And you utilised one of the moving parts.
Yeah.
OK, here are the machine and the hat in action.
- Good luck, Bob. - Thank you.
- [Alex] One fling. - Are you ready?
[Bob] Argh!
[laughter]
Fling!
Well, it's a distance that you can measure.
You hit my clock.
Ooh.
[laughter and applause]
Bob used his crutch,
and you saw it struck my clock.
It actually turned the clock off.
Dunno if you want to factor that in.
- And it went... - Jesus.
...16 metres and 20 centimetres.
[Greg whistles]
Mark...18 metres and 90 centimetres.
What?
[cheers and applause]
If I were to disqualify Mark for not creating a machine,
he'd get no points, right?
I've not seen you like this before.
I've never felt this conflicted.
I'm going to give Mark Watson an absolute maximum
of two points. That's what I'm going to give him.
So it might go down.
[laughter]
- It might go down. - OK.
I won't write it yet.
Write it now.
And then do the rest by distance.
- So Bob's crutch is a machine? - That's correct.
- Five points. - I'm a lucky lad.
- Four points for Sally Phillips. - [Greg] Yes.
- Three for Nish Kumar. - Correct.
Mark gets two. Does Aisling also get two?
She also gets two.
[Aisling grunts]
[laughter]
How are the scores looking now, Alex?
It's a tie for first place.
Bob and Sally are both on nine points.
[Greg whistles]
[cheers and applause]
Delightful. What's next?
Well, I'm afraid I'm completely in the dark about the next one.
Ho ho!
[Aisling] Ooooh!
Big up for the rave up.
[Bob] Ooh, luminosity.
[Mark] Well, I don't... I'm really worried about this already.
[Nish] What have we got here, then?
I'm bad at these when I can see.
- [Alex] Hello, Mark. - Oh, hi, Alex.
It's, um... dark, innit?
[Sally] "Paint the best rainbow scene."
[Bob] "You may not open the lab door until the task is complete."
[Aisling] "You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
Where? On this?
[Alex] Yes, please.
[Nish] Oooh.
I can't see the colours!
[laughter and applause]
Very nice to have the tasks really spelled out.
[laughter]
Let's, um, see them?
OK. How about Bob, Sally and Aisling?
- Yeah, lovely. - OK.
[Bob] It's not every day that you wake up
and somebody's been murdered on top of you, is it?
[laughter]
[Alex] It can be whatever you want, but the rainbow scene would be nice.
[Sally] Two beautiful gay women.
[Alex] Yes, if you could.
[Aisling] I'm going to do something very xenophobic against Irish people.
Which is put a little pot o' gold where all the leprechauns do be hangin' out.
[Bob] My very first job was as a painter and decorator.
I saw the woman whose house, first house we painted,
and she said it had never needed painting since,
'cause it fucking burnt down.
[laughter]
[Sally] That's Marmite.
[Alex] Why are you using Marmite?
[Bob] The paint's very thick in this one.
Shit, it's thick!
[whistle blows]
[Sally] I'm happy with that.
[Aisling] And now for a cup of tea for this man.
[laughter]
- [Aisling] Mmmm. - [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
I mean, it's my favourite quote of the show so far,
"Shit, it's thick!"
[laughter]
Well, one of them was Marmite, as we heard.
Did Sally say that it was Marmite?
- Yes, she did. - "This is Marmite."
Well, Sally noticed it was Marmite, and said she was gonna paint two lesbians
using a test-your-strength machine.
[laughter]
What I want to do is to drill down into that a little bit more.
- Rainbow... I'm thinking it's like gay pride. - Two beautiful lesbians.
- Two beautiful lesbian women. - Yeah.
What's the test-your-strength machine?
Everyone knows lesbians love using a test-your-strength machine.
- They can't walk past one-- - [laughter]
We can see all three if you want.
- Let's have a look at them, yeah. - OK, here they are.
Well, I mean, the awful news is one of the lesbians is dead.
[laughter]
There are two, but one is painted in white.
[laughter]
I think there's a bigger issue for us to discuss,
and that's the fact that the leprechaun appears to be smeared in its own shit.
[laughter]
[Alex] Can I just explain what Bob did?
The bottom bit of your rainbow, it's a little man.
You said he's called Matthew and he's being chased by a policeman,
but you can't see the policeman.
[laughter]
Lovely day for it.
[laughter]
Let's talk about the quality of the rainbow.
You've got a system for remembering the colours of the rainbow.
Yes, well, the bottom two, violet and indigo,
don't really count 'cause they're both purple,
so for me, it's "Richard of York gave battle, purple purple."
OK.
[laughter]
- So no one got it right. - No one got it right.
But it would be difficult in the dark.
OK, well, do you want to have a look at Nish? Nish decided to use...
another sense.
[Nish] I suppose the point of this task is to work out what colour is which?
[Alex] And how are you gonna do that?
Can I smell 'em?
[Nish groans]
[Alex] What did that smell like?
Red.
Ooh!
They smell like the colours!
That smells like chocolate.
Right, I've got to find strawberry first,
'cause red is at the top.
Everything smells of lemon!
[Alex] You've got ten seconds left.
Oh, shit and piss!
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[Alex] Nish? Stop painting.
Nish? We can see you, Nish.
- Put the pot down, Nish. - [laughter]
[applause]
So they were all infused with correct scents reflecting the colours.
It's really nice to see someone using their brain, you know?
"These might be different things, I'm gonna smell them."
I think you might like the picture.
- Let's have a look. - OK, here we go.
[audience] Woo!
- [applause] - [Alex] Lovely art.
- Is it a scene? - I dunno.
Yeah, it's a scene, mate!
I liked the fact you smelt them,
I don't think it's a scene.
Oh, come on, mate.
Here I come again with a link to some adverts. Bye.
Hello and welcome back to the third instalment of tonight's episode.
Alex, please fill our lovely audience in on the current task situation,
and make sure it's the funniest thing you've ever said.
[laughter]
Our contestants... were painting in the dark.
Just Mark Watson left to go.
[laughter]
Nish noticed that we'd assigned scents to the corresponding paint colour.
Will Mark, the man who most closely resembles
the character on his boiler suit,
be any good at painting rainbows in the dark?
Absolute horse shit.
[laughter]
[Mark] Yeah, so when I draw on there,
I'm not gonna be able to see anything at all.
- That's the fun of the task. - [Alex] Why not?
- Er, it's too dark. - [Alex] Ah.
Red, I'm just thinking red 'cause that's where we start a rainbow.
The tricky thing is not losing my bearings, isn't it?
I don't think there's a way I'm missing of supplying myself with light...
Or is there? If I look for the light switch, there?
I don't think it probably is, but it'd be silly of me not to at least try.
It didn't say I can't turn the light on.
- [laughter] - That does help.
Is that against the rules?
- [Alex] Oh, it's a lot easier like this. - It's much easier, actually, yes.
This is why normally we have lights.
I've made it easier for myself, certainly, but everyone will do that.
Everyone will put the light on, so it's all about the quality of the rainbow.
[applause]
An absolutely legitimate move, right?
The light switch was there for all five.
It was lit by the square. If you watch back, it is always there.
It just said you can't leave the room.
[she sighs]
[laughter]
Question is, was your picture any good?
I think there's one element of the rainbow which you'd be surprised that he got wrong.
[laughter]
[Sally] That is worse than what we did in the dark!
[laughter]
[Aisling] Oh my God.
[Alex] It's quite flat. Quite a flat rainbow.
Jesus Christ, rainbows have only got one physical characteristic.
[laughter]
Maybe we should focus on the two witnesses.
Do they seem unimpressed? No, they're saying "wow".
[laughter and applause]
We can see all five and then you can decide.
Let's have a look.
Now I would argue that Bob's is...
a horrible scene.
[laughter]
A dystopian nightmare.
[laughter]
And as a consequence, I think I'm going to pop him in last place.
OK, fair enough.
- OK. - One point.
And, uh, one up from him...
he did some good smelling, but that's not a scene.
It's rubbish.
[laughter]
The most intelligent person in the room, arguably,
was the person who worked out how to turn the light on.
Then he let himself down horribly...
[laughter]
...by not understanding the basics.
So I'm gonna put Mark in third place.
It's the leprechaun or the lesbian.
I think the...
[laughter]
I suspect, and feel free to write in, lesbians,
I suspect that they don't feel the need...
to prove their strength using an old-fashioned test-your-strength machine.
But I can't prove that leprechauns don't smear shit everywhere.
- [Alex] So, Aisling in first place? - [Greg] So Aisling is in first place.
- [cheers and applause] - I never win anything!
We need to crack on. Alex, can we have a quick task, please?
Quick one? OK, well, this is the best one since sliced...
Well, you'll see. You'll see.
Hello?
Hmm.
"There is a loaf of bread in the lab."
"Slice the loaf as neatly as possible."
"You may use one tool only..."
"...and that tool must be found in this caravan."
Where there is also a loaf of bread...
But the bread's not here, the bread's in the lab.
Slice... in the lab. So not this loaf.
A different loaf.
"You have five minutes."
"Your time starts now."
Right, OK.
Well...
that's quite sharp.
[applause]
OK, so they had to slice a loaf of bread that was in the lab,
but they were only allowed to take one item to slice it with,
and that item had to be found in the caravan.
[Greg] Lovely.
- It's a standard task. - Yep.
Do you wanna see Aisling doing... almost that?
- Yeah. - [laughter]
I already... I just...
only realised what the task was.
[laughter]
"There is a loaf of bread in the lab."
Interesting.
Without a doubt, I'm gonna use this can.
Oh, the bread smells delicious.
I mean, there's one slice.
I don't wanna waste this bread.
Ow!
Cut myself.
[laughter]
There's blood on the loaf.
Ow! Ow!
I've cut myself again.
[she laughs]
[audience groans]
[applause]
Yeah.
Can there be any sadder sight...
than a blood-covered loaf of bread...
in the wrong room?
[laughter]
- Any points? - No, she didn't go to the lab.
- No points. - No points to Aisling.
Oh, balls.
Do you wanna see Mark and Nish?
- Er, yes. - OK, here we go.
This is a red herring.
Can't really slice bread with bread, as the phrase is.
This is possible, I think, is it? It's not ideal.
I assume it would be too convenient for there just to be a knife knocking around.
Damn it!
I think I'm gonna go with that.
Alright, I'm gonna give it a try with this.
To the lab!
[laughter]
Yes, there's the bread. Hi, Alex.
There he is.
[Alex] Gonna use a book?
Through the Christian Year.
[Alex] What are you slicing the bread with?
I'm hoping to slice it with this, uh...
- So that's... - [laughter]
That's a slice, isn't it?
It's not easy, and you can see why people do use bread knives.
[cheers and applause]
Ooh!
A perfectly sliced piece of bread!
[Alex] 20 seconds left.
Oh, shit and piss!
What, can I do it with my hands...?
That's sort of a slice, isn't it?
Not too bad, actually.
- [Alex] Are you slicing the...? - Well, that's sort of a slice, isn't it?
[whistle blows]
[Alex] Stop slicing.
[cheers and applause]
I've gotta say, pretty confident I'd be in last place,
but I reckoned without someone being in the...
[laughter]
...the wrong area altogether.
Yeah. Yeah, you've got a chance.
But Nish's were very neat.
You used Through the Christian Year: Poems Old and New
by Godfrey Bradby and Joseph Hunkin, published in 1933.
[laughter]
Yours wasn't the most obvious choice of knife.
In the sense that it wasn't a knife, it was more of a grill, yeah.
Pretty blunt.
I have to say, I'm increasingly starting to understand
- why we're being grouped together... - Me too, me too.
...because when you got that grill out, I was like,
"This guy's a fucking genius."
[laughter]
[applause]
Do you want to see the grown-ups? Sally and Bob?
- Oh, what, mate? - [Alex] I just...
Yeah, I do.
[they laugh]
Here we go.
Nothing.
Slice it with a sausage, slice it with...
Better go with that.
I was thinking maybe a toothbrush could do it.
Maybe string could do it. Yeah.
Great, well, I'd better get going.
Could try with that.
Hey!
I'm gonna have a hack at it, so at least I've got one.
[laughter]
A party of four, is it, madam? Yes, certainly.
Would you like a slice of bread for each of your party?
[whistle blows]
I've been dying to do this.
[whistle blows]
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
The fact that Sally had protective gloves on...
Had we learnt from a previous accident?
[laughter]
So they both created four hunks of bread.
Yeah. Very much a dental theme with yours, Bob.
I thought the string would work,
but it was incredibly ineffective.
Well, this is one of the problems.
They were only allowed to use one item from the caravan.
- [Greg] Ooh. - Right.
I'm afraid they did both use two.
- Oh, dear. - Oh, right.
You know, the rules are rules, right?
Y... yeah, I suppose they are.
[laughter]
And that means zero points for the following individuals.
- This is unprecedented. - [they laugh]
This is our moment!
- [cheers and applause] - This is it. We did it. We did it!
[applause]
Aisling "Wrong Room" Bea.
Zero.
Bob, zero.
Sally, zero.
In second place, Mark with four points.
And Nish Kumar takes the victory
- with five points. - OK, got it.
[cheers and applause]
Can we have a scoreboard update?
Yeah, well, it's tightened things up. There are three points separating all five.
- It looks like this. - [Greg whistles]
[Aisling] Oh.
- [Greg] Ooh! - [Alex] Yeah, it's close.
[applause]
Can we have another one, please, Alex?
We've got a quick one and you're gonna be proud of me.
It's the first team task of the series.
- Oooh. - [audience] Yay!
Here we go.
Please stand behind the cone
and be very careful.
Look who I found!
Little old Bob.
- [Sally] Hello! - Just hanging around, having a dump.
Sally!
- [Bob] We're all laughing. - How are you doing, you alright?
- Lovely to see you, Sally. - Yeah, you too!
[Mark] Hello, Nish.
Please stand behind your cone.
- Alright. - And be very careful.
- What's going on? - Well, yes.
Here we go.
[laughter]
If you could just wait.
There.
Cool.
- [laughter] - It's too wet now, and it's broken.
"Achieve the greatest splat."
"One team-mate must be splatted for the splat to be valid."
"You have ten minutes to choose your splatting materials..."
"...and then ten minutes to pull off your splat."
"Your time starts now."
Right.
[Alex] So, I will say, we're gonna do the splatting somewhere else,
and whoever's dropping, splatting, they're gonna be high up.
High up? So we have to get as high...?
[Alex] No, no. We're gonna provide one of these.
- Oh, you... Right. - An actual crane?
- [Aisling] Ooh. - Are you alright with heights?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sally, are you alright with heights?
No.
Yoghurt is a good splatting material.
A big bucket full of yoghurt.
A bucket full of yoghurt, sort of...
Ambrosia rice.
- Rice pudding? - It's traditional, innit?
We could throw lots of balloons full of cream.
What colour balloons?
All green apart from one that's yellow,
and that's the piss bomb.
[they laugh]
We'd like two big buckets of all the non-set yoghurt...
- ...that money can buy. - Yeah.
Swords? Please don't forget those.
- Condoms, small balloons and big balloons? - [Sally] Bad-quality condoms.
[Aisling] Bad quality, yes, so it won't be much good for the company.
[applause]
Interesting suggestions.
Have one balloon full of piss?
Yeah.
Not a traditional splatting substance.
You've never heard of a splat like this.
We were trying to get away from the Noel's House Party gunge splat.
We agreed was going to gently piss a tiny bit into a balloon.
[laughter]
So you were going to be dropping....
It's called "warm fun".
[laughter]
In certain circles, that's what they do call it.
So, just one more part left.
See you there for the last bit of the show.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Part four, then. Here we go.
Weren't we in the middle of a team task?
You're right, and it was a messy team task.
They've been busy splatting, Greg.
Do you want to see Aisling, Bob and Sally?
I mean, of course, immediately.
OK.
- What do you reckon? - Yeah.
[Aisling] She's so dead. We're gonna kill her.
- We're gonna absolutely kill her. - [Bob chuckles]
[both] One, two three...
[Aisling] Go!
[laughter and applause]
[Aisling] Oh, lads.
OK, this one's gotta get it, Sally!
[Sally] That's the one with piss in it!
[Aisling] That's the one of piss!
[Bob] Oh, what a shame.
- [Aisling] Oh. - [Bob] Argh!
- [they cheer] - [audience] Yay!
[they cheer]
Yes!
[Aisling] Oh! Yay!
[Aisling] Yes, Sally!
Die!
Die, die!
Die!
Great work, Sally!
[audience gasps]
This is the last one!
[she grunts]
Yay, that is the greatest splat.
- [Aisling] Yaaay. - [Bob] Check it out!
[Aisling] A soldier. You're a soldier, Sally.
[cheers and applause]
Had the lot, didn't it? Had the lot.
[laughter]
And one of the most erotic condom-swinging scenes...
I've ever seen.
Presumably, from a piss-drenched woman.
[laughter]
Next up, we've got Mark and Nish. M&N.
Or N&M. But here they are.
I'm gonna try the first dab of the yoghurt!
Yeah, OK.
So I'm just gonna watch this come down and
- position myself? - Yeah.
OK.
If we do that again, I'll get splatted real nice.
Go for it, Watson.
[laughter]
[yoghurt splashing]
OK, that's most of one bucket!
- OK, Watson. - I'm ready, mate.
- Incoming! - Splat me.
[yoghurt splashing]
[laughter]
OK, it seems like we've hit the right trajectory.
Fucking hell, mate--
[laughter]
[applause]
[Nish laughs]
[he laughs]
[laughter]
[applause]
Does it hurt, having yoghurt thrown at you from 30 feet?
When it hit the visor, I have to say, it was a bit like being shot at, yeah.
[laughter]
There was a lot of food in this one.
We have donated money to a food bank, just so you know, because it didn't feel great
pouring that much yoghurt onto a man.
[laughter]
[Alex] Split the splats, Greg.
I'll split the splats. I don't know what to do, I think they were both brilliant.
But I sometimes think that there is an art in simplicity.
And I think that that final, awful image of Mark Watson...
[laughter]
...surrounded by yoghurt was quite beautiful.
Mm-hm.
But I thought the other one was great as well,
and, you know, Sally took a faceful of piss for the show.
So I'm gonna say three points to the two gentlemen,
- two points to the trio. - [Alex] OK, done. Fine.
[cheers and applause]
We put everything into that.
It's time in the show when I send you up to the stage for the final task of the show.
So, please go to the stage for the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
Wow.
I can only imagine what the task is.
Who's gonna read it out?
I think Bob is, if that's alright with you, Bob?
OK, there we go.
"With your face placed firmly in your hole at all times..."
[laughter]
"...paint the most recognisable animal, vegetable or mineral."
"You must incorporate your face in the picture."
"Most accurate representation of an animal, vegetable or mineral wins."
"You have three minutes."
Let's get going.
Yeah? OK.
That time starts...
[blows whistle] Now. Good luck, everyone.
[laughter]
I mean, presumably...
given the amount of things they could draw, Alex,
there's gonna be no replication, is there?
[laughter]
Oh, shit!
- Here, you paint the green bit! - Yeah, I'll paint you.
- Paint the green bit. - And you paint me.
- [woman] Come on, Aisling! - Thank you, Ireland!
[laughter]
[Nish blowing]
[Alex] Five seconds left.
[Alex] Four!
[audience] Three, two, one...
[whistle blows] There we go.
[cheers and applause]
Please will you all join us back down here,
and we'll see what that's done to the final scores!
[applause]
Lovely, lovely art.
Can we have a look at all those pictures first, please?
Yes, so here they all are.
You've got to judge which is the most recognisable.
Well, I think we've got to be absolutely literal about this.
The most recognisable. There are four pictures there that are as...
- You know, I recognise immediately. - [Alex] Which ones are they?
Well, there are...
[laughter]
There are three carrots.
[laughter]
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Yep.
And correct me if I'm wrong, Aisling,
there is a cat with a giant penis.
[laughter]
[Aisling] Yes, yes.
So they're all five points, as far as I'm concerned.
Now, Bob's is interesting.
[laughter]
Because... I think I know what it is.
Right.
And if... And if it is that thing...
But how are you gonna...?
'Cause if you say what it is, he'll just say, "Yes, it is."
I'm gonna get Bob to say it at the same time as me.
- After three? - [Bob] Three?
Three, two, one...
- Ice cream. - Ice cream cone.
[Aisling] Ohh.
I had some doubt in my mind about Bob's,
so I'm gonna have to give him one point less,
'cause there was doubt in my mind... 'cause, well...
His painting's shit.
[laughter]
You don't have a problem with Nish and Sally painting each other?
- No, I don't. It's only a game, innit? - Fair enough.
[laughter and applause]
So, I mean, I dread to think...
How does that affect the final scores, Alex?
OK, it's been a tight one,
but there is one clear winner, and that winner, you can see here, is...
- It's Sally Phillips. - Sally Phillips!
[cheers and applause]
Sally wins. Go and grab your prizes and feel good about yourself, Sally.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
So what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that wherever Paul Young lays his machine,
that's his home.
[laughter and applause]
But the other thing that we've learnt is that Sally has won tonight's episode.
Well done to her, and goodbye to you. Goodbye!
[subtitles by tribbletown]