Thank you.
I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to the Taskmaster series five grand final!
[cheers and applause]
Now then, all good things must come to an end,
but good things also come to those that wait.
Yet time waits for no man,
and let's not forget, no man is an island,
many hands make light work,
yet too many cooks spoil the broth.
And you should never bite the hand that feeds you.
This series, we've learnt you can't always get what you want.
So, chin up, there's no time like the present.
May the best man or woman win.
Your Taskmaster series five finalists are...
Aisling Bea!
Bob Mortimer!
Mark Watson!
Nish Kumar!
And Sally Phillips!
[applause]
And here, always here, forever here,
it's ♪ Alex Ho-o-orne ♪
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] I liked that. Thank you.
[applause]
You feeling ready for the big one?
Not really. I'm having a bit of a wobble, if I'm honest.
I've lost my Bumper Book of Proverbs. Can't find it.
- [laughter] - And I'm just worried about...
you know, what's going on in the world.
I've done a lot of reading and I just can't...
I just can't stand it any more.
You know, things like, have you read about...
78% of the air is now nitrogen.
- Always has been. - Has it? OK.
[laughter]
Crop circles. I read about crop circles.
No? The Tooth Fairy.
- I read-- - Thumb!
Thumb?
[laughter]
So what's the category for this big old final?
Today we've asked them to bring in - it's a good one - the most awkward item
for somebody else to take home.
[laughter]
So whoever's item you think would be
the most awkward item to take home wins.
And at the end of the episode, the person with the most points
will take home all the awkward items,
which will probably be quite tricky.
- Yeah. - Mm-hm.
Mark Watson, what have you decided would be
the most awkward thing to take home?
I've brought in what I can only describe as a bathroom.
[laughter]
So it's a full bathroom suite. Well, yeah.
[laughter]
[applause]
I feel this is pretty awkard to get home, because obviously, I mean...
I know, in fact, 'cause it was a hell of a hassle to get it here.
Did you bring it here? It is here, as well, by the way.
Yes, I brought it here. So there's a toilet, a bath and a sink, as you can see.
And I have to say, it wasn't an easy few weeks of my life arranging it.
No, because, I'll be honest with you, Mark,
and I hope this isn't insulting,
I find it hard to believe you could even pick up a piece of cheese.
[laughter]
Looks nice. Looks like you'd have a nice bath in it, nice washing your face.
Looks like that toilet's gonna take a heavy payload, so well done.
[laughter]
Do you wanna move on to Bob?
- Yes, please. - OK.
Oh, man. I brought an "I love Katie Hopkins" hat.
And I no longer believe in it.
- You no longer believe in it? - I did then, I don't now.
Yes, not just the Katie Hopkins hat, though.
You also brought in the t-shirt, we can see...
[laughter and applause]
It is awkward. They are awkward items, Bob, obviously.
I mean, I would argue you could pop them in a bag.
- Oh, yeah. - Who's next?
OK, uh, Nish Kumar?
I've brought 14 kilograms of curry.
[laughter and applause]
Would that be awkward? I mean...
Let's take me for an example. Would that be awkward for me to get of the studio?
Well, it's in a wok.
[laughter]
Let's roleplay it, Alex. I'll get on the Tube.
- OK. - [Nish] Yeah.
[laughter]
Phew.
Oh, God-- Oh.
What have you got there?
Fourteen kilograms of curry.
[laughter]
Oh.
[laughter]
Oh, you seem to have dropped your newspapers.
Oh, that's awkward.
[laughter]
[Nish] Yes!
[applause]
Aisling?
I'm gonna force one of you guys to bring home a giant cardboard cutout of me.
It's me doing the big thumbs up, which is my favourite thing to do.
- Yeah, it is a big thumbs up. - Let's have a look at it.
I wouldn't think that would be awkward to take that out, personally.
I think it's, you know, perfectly nice.
- [Aisling] Oh. - I've got one of me.
We can swapsies if you want.
[laughter]
Mine are £36 on Amazon.
[laughter]
- They're £34.97. - Oh, they've done down.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next?
The last to go is Sally Phillips.
I brought loads of helium balloons.
[Alex] Loads and loads of helium balloons.
A hundred or something, and if you're a bloke,
that'd be awkward and embarrassing to get home,
because everyone will say to you,
"Ha ha ha ha."
And if you're a girl, they'll lift you off into the sky
and you'll go off to Paradise Falls.
[laughter]
They would lift a three- kilogram weight, that many.
A penguin chick.
[laughter]
[Alex] Go on then, Greg. Rate the prizes.
I'm putting Bob's t-shirt in last place,
because I believe that you could put it in a bag.
- [laughter] - OK, one point.
I'm putting Aisling's in second to last place,
because I think it's a perfectly nice cutout of her.
Oh.
[Greg] And three, um...
Just pop some balloons, put Sally in there.
- OK. - Er, Nish...
[Alex] Nish. The curry?
It might be too big for some people.
I'd gobble that bad boy down and slink out of here.
So the winner, with without question the most awkward item to remove,
is a full bathroom, and it's Mark Watson.
[cheers and applause]
So at this point, I can tell you what the series scores are.
- [audience] Wooo. - We are in the final.
With 97, a massive 97, Nish Kumar.
[cheers and applause]
- [Alex] 97. - 97!
[Alex] 97, and the next person, nowhere near you...
Sally's on 116.
[laughter and applause]
Then we go up to 118 for Aisling,
123 for Bob, 124 for Mark.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, my word.
So, here we go. What's the first proper task of this final episode?
Well, obviously, it's more coconuts.
Mmmm!
Oi oi!
Hi, Alex.
[Alex] Oh, hello, Bob.
[Bob exhales]
- Heavy door today. - Yes.
[Alex] You alright?
This old chestnut.
[Alex] Coconut.
[laughter]
[he laughs]
"Get this coconut as far from here as possible."
"You may not touch the ground."
I am touching the ground.
[Alex] You're touching the rug at the moment. You're OK at the moment.
"You may not step on anything more than once."
"The coconut may not travel by car."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
So I can't touch the ground?
[Alex] No, thank you.
[whispers] Oh, Jesus.
Right, OK.
I mean, I've got to be honest with you...
At this moment in time, I'm thinking of throwing it.
[Alex] Mm-hm. I appreciate your honesty.
[applause]
The main rule is you're not allowed to...
You're not allowed to step on the ground at any point.
You're not allowed to touch the ground.
But you're only allowed to step on one thing once.
So right now, I'm stepping on this carpet.
That's fine, I can move around on it.
But once I'm off it, I can't get back on it.
So I'm now stranded on a chair.
- Sweet butt. - Yes, thank you.
[laughter]
That's the only reason I stood on the chair.
So that's the rules. You had to get the coconut
as far away as possible without stepping
on the ground or anything else more than once.
We're gonna start off with three of them. Aisling, Bob and Nish.
Do you have a photocopier here?
[Alex] We've got a printer.
I'm looking for a ream of paper, Alex.
[Alex] Yeah, there'll be a ream of paper in the printer.
OK.
We're gonna have to go out that back door.
Jump!
Ooh, whoa!
[Alex] So you're now off the rug. You can't go back on the rug.
Piss and shit!
Still on the carpet.
Still part of my first step.
I'm gonna have to throw it over the gate.
[Alex] OK.
There.
And here I go... mat!
Go!
Yes!
Go!
Go-- Oh!
Could you open the gates, please, Alex?
Yes.
I've fucked it up!
[laughter]
I've fucked it up!
As I thought it might, I hit the hedge.
[Bob] There it is.
- In its natural environment. - It's like a little bear poo.
Better take off my trousers.
- [Alex] So you're on that mat. - I'm on the mat.
I'm gonna try and chuck this.
Over there.
OK, I'm just gonna make sure there's no one standing over there.
[Nish] Yeah.
So I'm standing on this now.
I'm gonna bowl it.
One... two...
Three!
Oh, it rolled back towards the house.
Everybody, hold on to your butts.
Argh!
[laughter and applause]
This is the grand final.
[laughter]
I will say that it rolled back quite close to you.
You could've thrown it again.
Back inside, that was the end of it.
Four minutes left! There were four...
[laughter]
So close.
Same with Bob, presumably, who very...
Oh, fuck. Yes.
He couldn't get to it because it was on the ground, whereas Nish could reach it.
[Greg] Ah.
You're like a finely trained athlete, though, because you said,
"Oh, no, I've fucked it!" I think I'm quoting there.
As it left your hand, you knew from the swing, "Oh, that's fucked."
We were quite relieved when you missed the busy road, though, with the coconut.
[laughter]
I'm intrigued by your decision, Aisling, not to throw over the fence,
but to bowl under.
[laughter]
It was on a hill, so it came back to me.
The old "bowl it up a hill" mistake.
- [laughter] - [Greg] Classic.
Just stop.
It's the first of the last breaks. Bye for now.
Hello.
Welcome back to the Taskmaster grand final.
Alex, do please fill us in on the latest gossip.
OK, one of the mums at school is thinking of moving to Spain.
[laughter]
No? Yes, so, before the adverts...
[laughter]
Madrid. People were trying to get a coconut
as far away as possible without touching the ground.
This is Mark Watson's attempt.
Right, so, I mean...
We'll just... I can just sort of do this, for example.
[Alex] Yeah, you can't now go back on the mat.
- Oh, 'cause of the rules? - Mm-hm.
It's a pity, actually, about that.
Yes, it's gonna be fiddly, this, isn't it?
And of course I've left the coconut behind.
- [laughter] - Can be used as a bridge.
Alright, I'm on the mat.
I'll tell you what, Ariel. Let's go for a whirl.
Um...
[Mark grunts]
- Get a bit higher up. - OK. You alright?
[applause]
[Mark] Is this alright for you?
[applause]
[Mark] If we can get to the river...
I'll drop it in there.
Three minutes 45.
[Mark grunts] We'll be alright.
OK, that'll do it. Thank you, Ariel.
I'm now gonna hurl the coconut into the river,
and at that point, the distance that the coconut has travelled
is for other people to determine.
[laughter]
Fling!
[applause]
I'll be thinking about it for the rest of my life.
I don't want to exaggerate the importance of it psychologically,
but it probably will be the last thing I think about before I die.
[laughter]
You might not actually have touched the ground. I mean, we can check the...
- Check the footage. - [Greg] OK.
[Alex] Yeah, he did.
[laughter]
You lost to a complete buffoon.
[laughter]
Oh, God, it hadn't even occurred to me that Nish has beaten you.
[laughter]
At least your actual coconut throw at the end was impressive.
All of it was impressive apart from the bit where I destroyed my life.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next?
Last up, it's Phillip Sallys.
Sally...
[laughter]
I may not touch the ground, but you may touch the ground, Alex.
[Alex] Yes, I can touch the ground.
I would like to ask you to take this coconut
to the post office.
And post it to my friend in Fiji.
[Alex] What's in it for me?
What's in it for you?
What, are you demanding payment, are you?
I could tattoo you, if you like.
I could draw all over your arse.
A pastoral scene.
[Alex] Oh, I'll just take the coconut.
Yeah? You'll take the coconut to the post office?
I'll give you my credit card and you can pay for the whole thing, like a box...?
It's in my bag.
- You want me to go get your bag? - I want you to go and get my bag.
- OK, you're just gonna sit on the table? - I'm gonna sit on the table.
Yeah, that's it. That's the one.
Maybe I'll send it to the Prime Minister of Fiji.
"The Prime Minister of Fiji."
"Fourth floor, Government Buildings."
"New Wing. Fiji."
- Right, I need to take that. - Good luck.
- Thank you. - Quickly, speed.
Right. Prime Minister of Fiji.
And the great thing about this is,
it requires such little effort from myself.
[bike bell rings]
[cheers and applause]
Amazing. Did it make it to Fiji?
No, it made it to East Sheen Post Office,
where I was told there's a list of restricted items that you can send to Fiji.
- [laughter] - Fresh fruit and flowers,
roots, crops, rice, mushrooms and coconuts.
[laughter]
Hey, listen. I'm not an expert, but something tells me
Fiji's probably got coconuts covered.
[laughter]
I can show you on a map how far they all got.
There's the house. The first one, 33 metres away, that's Bob.
Then we've got Aisling's at the back of the house, a little bit further.
Nish, obviously, in exactly the same place.
Then the river there. It's irrelevant, but that's Mark Watson's.
And then 1.1 miles away in East Sheen,
it's five points to Sally Phillips.
[Greg] Clearly five points to Sally Phillips.
[cheers and applause]
I think it's time to see the scoreboard, isn't it, Alex?
It is time, and it's tight for the final.
There are three people in third place,
Sally Phillips is in the lead at the moment with eight points.
[Greg] Yes!
[cheers and applause]
OK, another task, please, Alex.
Right you are, Greg, and a little warning. This one is quite graphic.
- Oooh. - Mm-hm.
[Bob whistling]
Whistling a happy tune for you, Alex.
Thank you, Bob.
[Nish] What's the haps?
I don't know what you mean.
[Sally] How are you doing?
Unfortunately, I'm sorry, but I've dropped the task.
[Alex] Not on porpoise, but I've dropped it.
Ah.
[Alex] It fell on the floor and then some of my loose change fell on it,
and then some sand fell on it.
I've got this, though.
What?
So I have to be like a metal detector?
[Alex] Just sweep it slowly and low.
Even lower.
No, I meant the detector.
[laughter]
[Bob] There!
- Got it. - Oh, thanks, Bob.
I'm not going without the cash, though.
[Alex] No, that's for you.
I fancy sitting on that.
- You're gonna sit on the head? - [Sally laughs]
Why not.
"Create the best graph."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts..."
"...now."
[he makes trumpet noise]
Um...
I've caved his skull in with my arse.
[Sally chuckles]
[applause]
OK, reiterate what the task was?
The task was create the best graph.
- OK. - That's all it was.
- Any sort of graph. - Graff.
- [Greg] A graff. - [Alex] Grar-ph.
A graff.
Exactly, a grarph.
This isn't a London-centric show.
You can say graff.
I have said graph.
- Say graff? - Graph.
- Say graff. - Graph. Graph.
Shall we see the funny contestants make graffs now?
OK, this is their graph-making.
Let me just remember how a graph works.
[Alex] Have you started yet?
[Nish] You can't rush genius.
Hurry up.
I'm using the landscape.
Oh, do you know "omni-purpose jaws of doom" graph?
- I don't know that. - That's quite good.
The biggest urinators...
in the British Isles are the Scottish.
[Alex] Why's that?
[Scottish accent] It's because their water's so delicious.
Argh! My graph!
How far in that direction can I go, because...
It's your graph, Mark.
Oh, cows don't have it easy.
Or oxen, do they?
So I'll make it as big as possible,
because the graph is meant to represent all the people that have ever lived,
and all the time that's ever been.
I find this quite disturbing.
[Alex] Can I ask what units we're talking about?
- [Bob] Units of piss. - Yeah.
[laughter]
Beach ball?
Where is that?
Oh.
[she laughs]
Big graph, Mark.
Oh, is it-- It's finished, you're saying?
It's not finished!
To complete it, here's what we do.
I'm really pleased with my graph.
[applause]
Nish Kumar.
A 3D graph?
We can see here, this is pre-labels.
[Alex] As a straight line, you're... unconventional.
[laughter]
That vertical line is a chubby old funster.
[laughter]
This is what is represented on the graph.
[laughter]
[applause]
[Nish] So the amount of time you spend with me, the more fun you have.
And I think we can all agree... Nish.
[laughter]
[Alex] Would you like to move on to the biggest graph of them all?
It's 60 metres by 60 metres. It's an al fresco graph.
Here's Mark Watson's graph.
So that was taken with a drone, and for scale,
those little dots at the bottom are boules.
Do you wanna talk us through it, Mark?
So this is a graph of how people have voted,
which party they've voted for, but across the whole of time,
and the whole of humanity, ever.
It is an eternal electoral graph.
Correct me if I'm wrong,
on this, and I hope you don't mind me saying this,
light entertainment show...
[laughter]
What you've produced is a graph that shows the pointlessness of democracy.
[laughter]
Not just of democracy, but of all human endeavour, basically.
But to be fair, if people are watching Taskmaster, they've realised that already.
[laughter]
Would you like to look at Sally's omni-purpose jaws of doom?
- Is that her graph? - Yes.
Let's go.
[Alex] There it is.
The Y axis says SEX, the X axis says TIME,
and she's represented WANT and GET with the lines.
[laughter]
This is the latest in a series of incidences with Sally
where she's made it very clear that, um...
she wants more sex in her life.
And I think it's a bit like fossil fuels and the ozone layer.
You know, the time for graphs has probably stopped,
and we should all huddle together and see what we're gonna do about it.
[laughter]
- [Aisling] Oh, my God. - That's great.
That's great, that's wonderful to hear.
Thank you so much. My work here is done.
Thank you. See you... all.
[laughter and applause]
[applause]
It's the end of part two already. See you in a few minutes.
Great to have you back.
What was happening before that welcome pause, Alex?
Well, we've been seeing the competitors designing graphs on a beach, Greg.
And now it's time to have a look at Aisling Bea's graph.
She did this one.
This is my graph to show how many women
have been on Taskmaster, versus men.
And the men are represented by a mannequin
with a broken hand and a pair of pants,
and the women are a mess.
[laughter]
Just a head and a hand there, which is all you really need, if you're a woman.
[laughter and applause]
Well, it's a very worthy sentiment. Is the graph any good?
Just numbers-wise, you've implied that on the first series,
if you follow the graph up, that there were
the same number of men and women,
and there were loads more men back then.
- So graph-wise... - So you've actually...
Do you know what's the worst thing about this?
Two men are going to explain to me, and rightly so...
[laughter]
Why my maths are shit.
I think it's more serious than that.
I think that graph has done women a disservice.
Yeah, yeah. I think it might've set us back, Sal.
Yeah, it's anti-feminist.
We're criticising the graph, not the sentiment.
[laughter]
Who's next?
It's Bob's. It's fairly obvious what this represents.
[laughter]
[Alex] On the Y axis, uh...
as we all know, it's units of urine,
and on the X it's the counties of Britain.
[laughter]
If you're thinking of collecting vast amounts of piss,
go up to Dumfries and Galloway.
[Greg] Which I was.
If you only want small amounts, e.g. for household use,
you might like to consider East Sussex.
How did you get these statistics?
No, they're absolutely accurate,
'cause I was looking into purchasing...
gallons of piss.
'Cause I was in dispute with the Woolwich Ferry.
Man, I thought, "Fuck it, I'll fill his boat with piss."
[laughter]
Where do I need to go?
[laughter]
So people in Dumfries and Galloway piss about
ten times as much as people in East Sussex?
They literally cannae stop.
[laughter]
"I only had time to stop for the one Scotch pie, and then the stream started!"
[laughter]
"What a life we have!"
The Gulf Stream passes past Dumfries and Galloway,
and I was told that's the reason why they produce so much urine.
You were quite adamant at the time that it wasn't average per person,
it was total amount, and Dumfries is not a big county.
[Bob] Not a big county at all.
Yeah, an awful lot, and as you were doing it, you said,
"Well, when you know the facts, lob them down."
[laughter]
Honestly, if I have to die, and the final thing in my head
is the image of Bob Mortimer harvesting piss...
to exact revenge on the owner of a boat...
[laughter]
- A bloody big boat. - [Greg] That'll do, mate.
That will do.
- [Mark] That'd be a good way to go. - Yeah, that'd be a great way to go.
I'm gonna make a quick judgment on this.
I can't draw much of a distinction between
Aisling's feminist crusade, Sally's cry for hot action,
and Mark's, er...
Oh, God. I can't even remember what Mark's was.
[laughter]
I'm gonna put those three together.
- Third. - Joint third?
OK.
- And this is gonna surprise you. - Mm-hm?
I'm gonna put Bob's piss graph in second place.
Purely because Birmingham was on there,
and I come from near Birmingham,
and I piss like a big old whale.
- [laughter] - It's true. That is true.
So...
for one of very few occasions...
I mean, he's doing very badly in the show so far.
Oh, God. Across the series, he's been truly awful.
But the sheer simplicity of his chubby fun graph...
Nish Kumar wins this round.
[cheers and applause]
Alex?
Greg, we've got a very quick task now,
for not all of you.
[she laughs]
"Make the most fish puns. Most fish puns wins."
"You have one minute. Your time starts now."
Er, puns?
Car... Stop carping on.
[PING]
Er...
[she laughs]
Cod do this!
[PING]
Er, I...
Can you make lots of fish puns? I trout it.
I trout it very much.
[PING]
I've got my herring in a bun.
My herring a bun.
[PING]
♪ I can sing a rainbow trout ♪
♪ Sing a rainbow trout, sing a rainbow trout too ♪
[PING]
Um... Er...
He's not very tuna-ful.
[PING]
Er... Um...
Minnow understand English.
[PING]
Um, I can't think of any fish. Angelfish.
Um...
Send in the clownfish. That's not really a pun.
[PING]
I... Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
[Alex] Thank you, Sally.
[cheers and applause]
I thought we'd all done it.
I'm confused, Alex, because...
Did you only ask Sally to...?
No, she didn't do it by herself.
She was up against me.
I have also tried to get as many fish puns as possible in one minute.
[Greg] OK.
Do you wanna see how I did?
- Yeah. - OK.
This is my go.
I don't wanna carp on about it, but I'm worried they might be... [PING]
- Construed as gloves? - Congratulations, congratulations.
It's a lovely plaice, though, isn't it? [PING]
[Sally] It's a beautiful place.
And you used a tuna baked beans. [PING]
A tin of baked beans.
I can get you something to perch on.
- [PING] - Yeah.
There are three tasks in a roe for you there. [PING]
Let minnow when it's close enough. [PING]
Want to smell it?
Oh, I've already got a haddock.
A headache. [PING]
- How's it feel? - Fine.
I feel a little bit tench, but fine. [PING]
Fine.
That was very offishial.
[PING]
I haven't got very good herring!
[PING]
I think I heard you OK.
I'm sorry, but I've dropped the task.
Not on porpoise, but I've dropped it. [PING]
[laughter]
[applause]
So Alex took it upon himself to go into a secret competition with Sally.
Yeah.
I tried really hard every time we spoke to say a fish word.
Did you ever notice?
I just thought you were bad at speaking.
[laughter]
It means we can now look at the scoreboard.
The scoreboard now looks like this.
[laughter]
So Nish Kumar is the joint leader with Sally Phillips!
Yes!
[cheers and applause]
You're at the top! That never happens!
Well, I'll tell you what, you can get your face off
- that scoreboard for a start. - Really?
Or I will batter you to death with an iron bar.
- Better. - OK.
Last location task of the series, then.
That's right, and we're gonna end with a song.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Yo. - Hello.
- Oh, yeah. - Hello.
- Hello.
Oh, right.
Do you... Do we...?
Do we strike you?
[laughter]
Shall I take the task from this lady, or...?
Would you like to?
Yes, I suppose so, yeah. I'll take the task.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
We can so do this.
"Write and perform a song about this woman."
"Best song wins."
"You have five minutes to talk to the woman..."
"...and then 30 minutes to write her a song."
"Your time starts now."
So we need to gather as much information as we can.
Hi, so what's your name?
Rosalind.
Where are you from originally?
Southport.
- What do you do for a living? - Yeah.
Japanese translator.
Do you have children?
Yes, I've got two sons.
Two. Are they good men?
Yes, they're a bit inept at things, but that's fine.
What do you do pass the time?
I'm an athletics official track judge
and I do long jump and the sprints.
- Long jumper. Leaping. - Long jumper.
Who's your favourite band of all time, music-wise?
- Good idea. - It might lead us to some musical ideas.
Ooh, I like Mozart.
Mozart?
[Mark] Mozart. One of my favourite bands as well.
Have you stolen much in your life?
Yeah, well, when I was about ten, I used to do
a little bit of sweetie shoplifting with my best friend Elaine.
- I also play the cello. - Great.
Do you play the cello with anyone or on your own?
Yeah, string quartet. My husband and a couple of friends.
And what's the name of your...?
My husband is called Alan.
And did you ever do it in public, or was it just...?
Yeah, it's not normally when people are sitting in rows watching.
It's just the sound.
Do you eat meat, Rosalind?
Um, as long as it's kosher.
What's your favourite meat?
- Chicken, I suppose. - Chickens.
What's your favourite film?
Oh, The Hangover. Hangover 1 and 2.
Oh, favourite food?
- Oh, beans on toast. - Yeah, quite right.
Can I just ask, are the other two in the string quartet a couple as well?
They used to be, and then one got septicemia
so he lost the use of three fingers in his left hand.
Would you like to be able to fly?
- No. - [whistle blows]
[applause]
Bob's first four questions...
"Do we strike you?"
[laughter]
"Have you ever stolen?"
"What is your favourite meat?"
"Would you like to be able to fly?"
[laughter]
Thankfully, he had team-mates to take up the slack.
[laughter]
Do you want to see Mark and Nish first?
Yes, I do, please.
OK, so this, for the first time ever, is Mark and Nish's song for a stranger.
Hello, Great Britain.
Hello.
How are you all feeling out there?
We're all fine, thank you.
And now's the time you've all been waiting for.
[they laugh]
The band!
Good evening, London!
We are The Diverse Stripes.
I am Jack Brown.
And this is my wife-sister, Mark.
This is called "I'm Always Seeing You"
open brackets, "Do Cool Stuff"...
- Close brackets. - Close brackets.
Alright, and one, two, three, four...
[laughter]
Two, three, four...
[cheers and applause]
There's something in my eye.
I mean, unbelievable.
Who would've thought Mark Watson was a drummer?
I think you may have just shaken off the whole heron thing.
I had no idea Nish could sing or play guitar.
That was a miracle, I think.
And all that time, she just sat there,
absolutely no expression on her face.
[laughter]
And this is the first time in the entire series
where I've got nothing negative to say to either of you.
[Greg] Congratulations on your brilliant song.
[cheers and applause]
[Greg] I'm afraid the end is nigh.
See you soon for the final part of the show,
when we find out who has won both episode and series!
Hello and welcome back to the final part of the grand final.
We'll ride this wave now until the end of the credits.
Over to you, Alex. Please bring us up to speed.
I will. They're writing songs for a stranger,
a multi-faceted stranger called Rosalind.
We've heard Mark and Nish's affectionate tune.
Now we're gonna hear Aisling, Bob and Sally's.
- [Sally giggles] - This is their song.
Hello, lady!
Welcome to Taskonbury Festival.
They've got soul. You know them as the P.O.C.
Here they are!
Woo-hoo!
Hello, Taskonbury!
- Hello. - Hello!
Welcome, nice to see you all.
Er, wow, what a rush.
- We are, uh... - [all] Products of Conception.
And we're delighted to bring you here today our debut track,
which is called...
"Quite Good, Considering."
Let's have the music.
[soft pop music plays]
[Bob whispers]
[laughter]
[Bob] Thank you. That's for you, Rosalind.
[cheers and applause]
- You could sing harmonies! - I can't sing.
[applause]
Not too bad.
- Not too bad. - Two very different...
[laughter]
...very different takes on the same woman.
That is one of the bravest lines in rock history.
"Rosalind is a fucking nightmare."
[laughter]
Is Rosalind here?
She might...
- [Aisling] Rosalind! - [Nish] Oh my God!
[cheers and applause]
I mean, you'd never met her before.
Never met her since. You just...
But we captured the essence of her.
[laughter]
I really, really loved Mark and Nish's song.
I thought it was genuinely beautiful.
It also really delighted me hearing a very nice woman
have "Rosalind is a fucking nightmare" sung in her face.
Honestly, because I genuinely thought I saw a tear in Mark's eye,
I'm gonna give three points to Nish and Mark,
and I'm gonna give two points to the other three.
[cheers and applause]
[Aisling] Well done.
[applause]
Well, please all head to the stage for the final task of the series!
[cheers and applause]
Here we are, then. This looks pretty straightforward.
Who's gonna read the task out?
[Alex] Sally Phillips. Hello, Sally.
Hi.
The final task of the series.
[Sally] Privilege and a pleasure.
"Throw your egg..."
Bonjour. "Through the hoop and catch it as many times as possible."
"You may not touch the net or post."
"Most successful hoop catch combo wins."
"You have 100 seconds and one egg."
Thank you, Sally.
So just to make it absolutely clear to everybody, Mark...
- [Mark] Yeah? - If you drop the egg, it's over.
The entire egg has to go through the hoop,
so once the egg is broken, you're done.
[he laughs]
You can't touch the net or the hoop.
You've just got to throw that egg through as many times as you can.
Your time starts... [whistle blows]
[laughter and applause]
[audience shouting encouragement]
Argh!
Yes!
[applause]
Argh!
[applause]
[Aisling] Go on again, Bob!
[audience] Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob!
[audience cheers]
[whistle blows]
[Alex] There we go.
[cheers and applause]
Will you please come down here and we'll
see how that's affected the final scores!
[applause]
Talk me through the egg-catching, then, Alex.
We know the winner of this task was Mr Bob Mortimer.
[applause]
Thank you.
And we know these three unfortunately didn't get any eggs or points.
Sally caught the egg but it didn't go entirely through the hoop.
[Alex] Would you like to put her in second place?
[Greg] Hmm.
Yes, I believe I would.
- [Aisling] Yay! - Sally gets four points!
[applause]
Which means the final scoreboard looks like this.
[cheers and applause]
Sally just pipped Bob!
Sally wins all the awkward things to take home!
Yes! Oh, please go and get them!
[cheers and applause]
Let's hear it one more time for Sally!
[cheers and applause]
[Aisling] Yay, yeah!
Woo-hoo!
[laughter]
Suck on that.
It's the moment that every single person in the world has been waiting for.
The time to crown our glorious champion.
This series has seen so many Taskmaster firsts.
There's been the birth of a fully grown adult,
an intimate car boot cuddle,
the invention of Kumar-mite,
the cutlery-based fourth instalment of the Taken film franchise, Took,
and I've received some sordid text messages from a heron.
- [Greg] But now... - [laughter]
It's over to Alex to announce the final series scores.
Nish got triple figures. Nish got 107 points.
OH, SHIT!
Triple figures! Triple figures!
[applause]
The rest... did much better.
[laughter]
And we have Aisling Bea on 126.
[cheers and applause]
Sally Phillips and Mark Watson, 130 points.
- Whoa! - Yay!
The winner is... Mr Bob Mortimer!
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, the champion of the fifth series of Taskmaster...
is Bob Mortimer!
[cheers and applause]
Please, please.
[cheers and applause]
Well done, everybody. Thank you to our contestants,
but especially to our phenomenal victor, Bob Mortimer.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you for watching, everybody.
[laughter]
Good night!
♪ I'm gonna serve you beans on toast ♪
♪ But it's a fantasy, it's nothing but a boast ♪
♪ You come from Southport, I live miles away in Balham ♪
♪ And I'm a coward and I fear the wrath of Alan ♪
♪ I'm always seeing you do cool stuff ♪
♪ I try my best but it's never... ♪
♪ Good eno-o-ough ♪
[subtitles by tribbletown]