Hello, friends!
I'm Greg Davies and this is the lovely new series of Taskmaster.
The run is now a massive ten episodes in length.
- [he gasps] - [audience] Oooh!
So enjoy this energy while it's real,
and then enjoy watching me trying to sustain it as the weeks pass by.
[he sighs]
Five box-fresh competitors have been completing
some fiendish tasks for me to judge.
And I am so ready to do that.
So ready.
[laughter]
So let's me the quintet tussling for the Taskmaster trophy.
Your five rookie rivals are...
Alice Levine!
Asim Chaudhry!
Liza Tarbuck!
Russell Howard!
And Tim Vine!
[applause]
And I'm afraid he's back again.
It's my impersonal assistant...
♪ He says he's tall but he's not tall ♪
[high-pitched] ♪ It's little Alex Ho-o-orne ♪
- [cheers and applause] - Quite nice. Good singing.
I'm not little. I'm six foot two and overweight.
Yeah?
And now, because you call me little Alex Horne this much,
everyone calls me now little Alex Horne.
- Well, you are little. - I'm not little.
My children don't call me daddy now, they call me little Alex Horne.
- [laughter] - Completely true.
I hope they do.
They do, and they call you daddy. It's awful.
[Alex] Genuinely true.
[Greg] Shall we crack on?
Yes. We're gonna begin with the prize task.
Pause in case there's a cheer.
OK, so our new...
[laughter]
The new gang are not only playing for the fancy series trophy,
but every episode, they also compete to win each other's stuff.
Today, to christen the series,
we've asked them to bring in the best liquid.
- Wow. - Yes.
Everyone knows the Taskmaster loves his liquids, so...
Oh, num num, I do!
Whoever he thinks has the best liquid will get the first five point of the series.
And at the end of the episode, the winner will take home gallons of lovely fluid.
- Lovely. - Lovely.
Let's hear from you lot, shall we? Alice Levine.
Um, I've gone for blood.
We can see it, first of all. There it is.
[Greg] Whose blood is it, is the obvious question?
That's mine.
I didn't really know what the definition of "best" was,
which is obviously the aim of the game,
so I asked my friend who's a teacher, who obviously knows everything...
So, yeah, she just kind of did some scientific research
to decide that blood was the best.
Do you want me to show the scientific working?
- Oh, yeah, we've got her graph! - [Alex] I've got the data.
[laughter]
Custard is the controversial one, obviously.
[Alice] Depends whether it's hot or cold.
[Greg] So you decided you'd bring blood on,
and then you got a teacher to...
to do your work for you, without justification.
OK, that's a really unusual phrasing of what happened.
[laughter]
I used to be a teacher, Alice. They...
And let's get this on record now. They know fuck all.
[laughter]
Nice. Asim, can you beat a vial of blood for a best liquid?
It's my own vape juice that I got made for my character, Chabuddy G,
and his thing is, like, peanut dust,
and everyone was like, "You've got to start doing peanut dust vape, bro!"
So we got some mad scientist vape lord to get, like...
Make peanut dust vape with my face on it.
And now, very cleverly, you're advertising it at our expense.
[laughter]
[Asim] So there we go, yeah.
[laughter]
Does it actually contain peanuts?
- No. - No.
[laughter]
- Do you wanna move on to Liza? - Yes, I do. Liza Tarbuck, welcome.
Thanks very much.
Um, liquids you've found?
Best liquid?
There is no liquid - there isn't any blood or vape or anything -
without water.
So I've researched, very heavily,
where's the cleanest water on the planet?
- [Greg] And what is it? - There it is.
[Liza] It's an official place.
[Alex] It's from the Cabo de Hornos Nature Reserve in Chile.
And why is this water special?
'Cause it's proper clean.
[laughter]
Liza, sometimes, when someone's made minimal effort, it...
They can crash high into the ranks.
Russell, what have you brought in?
I think the best liquid in the world, for me,
would have to be Brut for men.
- It's an aftershave. There it is. - [Greg whistles]
- [Alex] Yeah. - [Liza] Class.
I remember splashing it all over myself for the first time in 1988.
I was eight and my dad gave me some and said,
"Get some of that on you."
And I kind of splashed it on, went into school...
- Your dad is Phil Mitchell from EastEnders. - That's right.
[laughter]
It was the only aftershave you could buy when I was a young man.
Which is why I didn't lose my virginity till I was 35.
[laughter]
- [Alex] Tim Vine now. - Tim, a lot of pressure here.
Well, I don't feel it, because I feel like I've gone slightly left-field with this.
It's something that I've invented. Fizzy Benylin.
[laughter]
Shut up.
[laughter]
Because, if you start at the beginning, everybody loves cough mixture.
I genuinely do love Benylin.
Here it is. We can see it on the screen.
[laughter]
[Greg] That is incredible.
I mean, the process wasn't as hard as you might think.
- I poured half of it away... - [Greg] Yeah.
And then added fizzy water.
- Wanna judge it? - It's really tricky.
I'm gonna... The idea of inhaling peanuts disgusts me.
[laughter]
I had a very unfortunate personal experience with Brut back in 1983.
Oh, well, let's have that.
Come on, what's the story?
Hey, tough shit. I'm the Taskmaster.
[laughter]
It's a personal opinion and some of these rounds
are based on my personal opinion.
And, I'll tell you this,
there's nothing you can do about it.
[laughter]
OK, well, I'm gonna put them in joint last.
So Russell and Asim in joint last with one point?
I'm gonna put Liza's life force next up.
[laughter]
Next up from joint last?
Yes, I am, and then I'm gonna put Alice with blood,
and I know that Benylin isn't more important than blood or water,
but Tim very cleverly just tapped into something.
OK, so three to Liza, four to Alice,
and five points to Tim Vine.
There, it's done.
[cheers and applause]
Alex, what treats do we have in store?
What's the first task proper of the series?
Oh, it's something wheely, wheely good.
[helicopter whirring]
[saxophone plays]
- What an entrance. - Thank you.
Thank you.
[he laughs]
Flippin' heck.
"Perform the best stunt using this wheelbarrow."
"You have one hour."
"Your time starts now."
Oh, God.
I do all my own stunts, by the way.
- I'm thinking height. - [Alex] OK.
We could go past...
And I have to be... Oh, shit.
So if I'm kind of stood in it,
and you're kind of push--
[laughter]
Meh.
[cheers and applause]
Want to explain all the sexy filming of you bringing the wheelbarrow in?
[laughter]
- You said to spice it up this series. - No, I didn't.
So I took my... I took my jacket off.
And, uh, then I played the saxophone.
Oh, that's you playing, is it? To accompany yourself.
- Do you like it? - I don't like it.
You have plenty of opportunity to be sexy at home.
[laughter]
Um, shall we see one?
OK, well, Asim Chaudhry says,
"It's gonna do something that's sick like in an action film."
Yeah.
Sick, man. Let's do it.
Yeah? Here it is.
Oh!
Something you just gotta be a hero.
Coming, baby!
[cheers and applause]
It is very rare that something gets filmed in slow motion
and doesn't look spectacular.
I know, that's what I was thinking!
It was really... It looks shit.
- [Greg] Oh, it's shit. - Even in slow motion!
But let's dig deeper into the narrative,
'cause there was a narrative going on there.
Yeah, kind of, like... It was like...
Damsel in distress, tied up.
Was she in distress? 'Cause she looked like she was just standing by a bath.
[laughter]
Well done, Asim.
It's all about having a go, innit, sometimes?
You've gotta give it a go, mate.
- [Greg] Who's next? - Alice?
OK, this is Alice's wheelbarrow stunt.
[Alex] Are you sure?
This could either be spectacular or a disaster.
But I think it's gonna be spectacular.
OK, I'm not a very good driver.
Well, you've just gotta do something very simple.
Straight, OK?
Straight and fast. Just do it fast.
Good luck.
Let's just do it.
- Goodbye, Alice. - Goodbye.
- Ready? - Ready.
[dramatic choral music]
Ahh!
[applause]
Wow!
[cheers and applause]
Very popular with the audience.
Don't you worry, Asim. You're still in the game.
Just give her the points now, mate. That is...
- [Greg] That is spectacular. - That was incredible.
Let's stop there for some incredible adverts.
Have a great time watching them!
Hello!
And welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's our first part two of the run,
and the race is on to take home Tim Vine's fizzy Benylin.
Not for the first time, I suspect, Alex,
would you mind reminding us of the current task?
Stunts. That's the current task.
Wheelbarrow-based stunts, to be more accurate,
and the headlines so far: Radio 1 DJ chopped in half
and Kurupt FM collaborator cycled slowly
and carefully through a light rubber brick wall.
[laughter]
Very accurate assessment.
- Yeah, you wanna see Liza next? - Yes, please.
This is what she did.
Uh-oh.
Can we make a zip... a zip wire?
[Alex] Did you want it to deliver something down the zip wire?
I think it should always deliver something.
Are we thinking...
wheelbarrow and black chocolates?
[Alex] I was.
I know what I want.
Good luck, lads. Straight up, please.
[she laughs]
That looks great, actually, doesn't it?
Release the fly!
[dramatic music plays]
[Liza] Oh, hello!
Your chocolates have arrived.
Thank you, Liza.
[laughter and applause]
Bit odd.
In 2010...
I had to have one of my kidneys removed.
- Did you? - Yeah, I did.
It's the only time I can remember thinking things like that,
was when I was coming round from general anaesthetic.
I just wanted to stick things on a wheelbarrow...
- and hope that it looked great. - You didn't, actually.
You specifically wanted to create a creature.
Can we have a look at Liza's creature?
[laughter]
[Greg] Now what is that, Liza?
- [Liza] It's like a sort of fly. - [Greg] It's a giant fly, is it?
Yeah, like a fly.
It's like a fly that's just run a marathon.
[laughter]
[Greg] It's got its warm blanket on.
It's also got, um, human hands.
[laughter]
Yeah.
So what?
[laughter]
Who is next?
Have you ever heard of Russell Howard?
[Greg] I believe I have.
So it's already dangerous,
but we're gonna make it even more dangerous, with the help of...
booze and fags.
We have a swig of gin, then we light up some cigarettes,
and then I get into the shark-filled wheelbarrow,
and I go straight into the wheelie bin of brick-filled doom.
- Sorry, brick-filled doom? - Yeah.
Gin first. Yeah, yeah.
Right, now we light up.
Blow back?
I don't know how this works.
- You go first. - Yeah, yeah.
Come on, mate. I feel like a dickhead.
I'm lit.
Jesus.
You in?
Nope.
[laughter]
She's lit.
Good fucking Lord.
- You alright? - Yep!
[laughter]
Faster!
Now that's a stunt.
Dangerous, sexy. The fucking lot, that.
[applause]
Oof. Oh, man.
I'm genuinely irritated that you have managed to make
falling out of a wheelbarrow with a cuddly shark look quite cool.
Yeah.
- [Greg] Um, who's next? - [Alex] It's time for Timmy.
I'm just gonna have a look in the tool shed.
When I begin to make my descent,
I want you to throw those four tennis balls at me, please, Alex.
[Alex] OK.
Right. Are you ready?
This stunt's called Sledge Ravine.
[Alex] Sledge Ravine.
[laughter]
Sledge Ravine, start!
Tennis ball!
[laughter]
[applause]
We established a baseline with yours.
Yeah.
It was shit, right?
The question is...
[laughter]
Did Tim Vine limbo under it?
Or did he come back round, 'cause it was so shit, that he actually...
Also, mine had my name in it, 'cause "Vine" is in the word "Ravine."
Oh, Ra-Vine.
I've just thought of that now, I didn't think of that then.
[laughter]
My middle name is Sledge, coincidentally, but...
[laughter]
So is it Tim in first, is it?
Well, I can't believe I'm even contemplating it,
but he's sort of won me over.
- [laughter] - In first?
- I said I'm contemplating it. - OK.
When I press the button, that's...
- Of course Tim's not gonna be in first. - OK.
OK, here we go. Asim, clearly in last.
- [Alex] One point, though. - Thank you.
[Greg] But I'm very fond of you.
Sledge Ravine, of course, comes next.
[Alex] Two points.
[Greg groans]
- Are you OK? - [strained] Yeah... Oh...
I'm OK with it.
OK, Liza.
[laughter]
In third.
And I'll tell you, I am genuinely struggling between the...
Smoking.
[Greg] Brick-filled...?
- [Alex] Doom. - Doom, yeah.
Come on, you can't even describe it,
you're torn between the two. What even was it?
That's 'cause I'm so frightened by all the terror that was in it.
It had shades, it had booze, it had fags,
it had a wheelbarrow of doom,
it had Alex Horne playing Sledge Ravine's son...
And that has just lost you first place.
Shit!
[laughter and applause]
Of course, Alice took one big idea and she executed it beautifully.
But you were snapping at her heels, Russell,
so I'm gonna put you in second and Alice in first.
[applause]
I think it's time - exciting - to see the first ever scoreboard, please, Alex.
OK, here we go. So I think we know who's in the lead after that.
It's Alice Levine out in the front, followed by Tim Vine,
Liza, Russell and Asim in last.
[Greg] Lovely.
[cheers and applause]
Next task is...?
It's some lab-based fruit fun.
- [Alex] Asim Chaudhry. - Hey, man.
- Hello. - How you doing?
Alright, fitty?
[Alex] Hello, Alice.
Lemons.
[Alex] Oh, yeah.
How have I done?
How many do you think are in there?
[Alex] How many do you think are in there?
Thirty thousand.
We're both drunk. It doesn't matter.
"Make the highest tower using only what's in the bowl."
"You may wield the knife a maximum of five times."
"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
Wield the knife a maximum of five times?
You don't mean, like, Psycho kind of...
- Well, it's up to you. - ...Hitchcock shit.
[applause]
So, stack some lemons up, right?
Eighteen lemons are in the bowl.
OK.
Each about ten centimetres tall,
so potentially you're making a 1.8-metre lemon tower, same size as me.
We've grouped the two younger men together,
Russ and Ass.
- Er, both... - Wait, wait.
- [laughter] - [Alex] I just thought we were cool.
No, Ass is cool, but only my mates call me that.
We're mates but not on an Ass level yet.
- [Alex] OK. - [laughter]
Ready to see Russell and Asim?
- Yes, please. - OK.
- Well, let's take that as a start. - [Alex] OK.
Everything's piss poor. Let's not fuck around.
So we're going from...?
From the bottom of the lemons, I'd take it on a diagonal.
- Diagonal? Would you? - Yep.
OK, this is my first.
Sort of like vegan Jenga.
[Alex laughs] Is Jenga not vegan anyway?
Yeah, it is, yeah.
It's a very good comeback.
Right, second wield.
I mean, that's 11 inches.
I mean, it's also... it's also eight inches.
- Yeah. - Hmm.
That's just... nope. I mean, what's the point of cutting it?
That's just a normal lemon.
Should've just left it.
OK.
But how do you make...?
[lemons squelching]
[whispers] Shit.
Ah, I've just cut myself.
[Alex] You alright?
Yeah, fine. Blood and fucking acid. Ugh.
Shit, ouch.
[laughter]
Whole thing went straight in my eye.
Ugh, it stings and fucking hurts.
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[laughter]
It's not about the length, guys.
[applause]
Can I ask, 'cause I was watching and I didn't understand,
why were you cutting them all in half and putting them back together?
- Mate, I don't know, listen... - [laughter]
I am a lemon, right?
So... that's why I fucked it up. I'm a lemon.
Blood and Acid, title of your autobiography?
Yeah, it was like watching somebody have a breakdown
on their Blue Peter audition tape.
[laughter]
Well, that's part two dealt with.
We'll deal with part three very shortly.
Come on in!
Part three is here and our competitors are bloodthirsty.
As in, they're playing for some blood.
Remind us of things, please, Alex.
OK, we've been watching lemon tower-building, Greg.
So far we've had blood, swear and tears from Asim and Russell.
Next up, we've grouped a male and a female.
Tim and Liza. Here we go.
[laughter]
Well, that's the first couple of thoughts I've had about that.
There's probably some clever way of doing this.
Perhaps I really just do need to Jenga it up.
Amazing what people will watch, innit?
[laughter]
Oh, that's actually gone right through.
Not enough to sting, but just...
enough to make you think.
[Alex] Would you like me to measure your tower?
Measure my tower?
[Alex] Yeah, is that... Have you finished?
Oh, no. God, no. Are you nuts?
That's not a tower. That's not even a bungalow.
Life's a bit pointless, innit?
[he sighs]
That'd be a bit poor, wouldn't it?
Yeah, well, I like that less.
I've ruined it now.
Not that one.
Oh, that wasn't a wield, I didn't press it in.
- Nearly a wield. - Nearly a wield, yeah.
There's a wield of difference.
[he sighs]
[laughter]
If you were a carver, would you say that was one wield?
[Alex] Big if.
Yeah, it's a bit rubbish, this.
I think that is as good as I'm gonna get.
[Tim] The wielding was a blooming waste of time.
[Alex] That's your final wield.
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[laughter]
[applause]
I've actually wrote down your quote, then,
when you squirted lemon juice onto your crotch.
"Not enough to sting. Just enough to make you think."
[laughter]
I regret doing this, but I've measured it, for some reason,
your ones, in child's shoes.
What?
It got to a seven-inch tower,
- which is a size 11 and a half. - [Tim] Right.
Whereas Liza's was size one and a half,
but that's bigger, so it's a bad system.
[Greg] Yeah.
Your system's bad, but Liza's system was actually pretty good.
- [Alice] Genius. - [Asim] It was, yeah.
It wasn't genius, was it?
Jesus Christ, no.
[laughter]
But it was alright.
You built a tower and you only did one wield.
You didn't use all your wields up.
Couldn't be arsed.
[laughter]
Right, who's next?
Next up, it's Alice.
Oh, God.
"You may wield the knife a maximum of five times."
But I could wield other knives more times?
[Alex] OK.
God.
Is there, like, a comedy lemon in here that's made of...?
Jesus! [she laughs]
Why would you put that as the bottom one?
[laughter]
In the lemon?
That's just mean.
- [Alex] One minute 30. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You'd love it if I panicked now.
Well, they're no use anyway.
Can everyone just be calm?
Can everyone be chill, OK?
Let's all just be chill.
Are you kidding me? Are you absolutely kidding me?
♪ I'm having a lovely time ♪
[whistle blows]
That was one of the most upsetting things I've ever had to do.
[laughter]
[applause]
Pretty good system, I thought.
I thought I was gonna get told off.
No, why?
I don't know. You scare me a lot.
[laughter]
Great.
How tall was it?
Nine inches.
[Greg whistles]
- [Liza] Good work. - [Alex] Yeah.
[applause]
Once more, we know who's in...
- It sounds harsh. - Well, of course we do.
He almost deserves points for taking it lower than it was.
[laughter]
Four centimetres there, and then we've gone to inches.
We've got seven inches with Tim,
Liza's was eight, Alice's was nine,
and then we've got the diagonal/vertical argument.
- For you to decide. - My question to you is...
What's a tower?
It's a tall, narrow building, either free-standing or
forming part of a building, such as a church.
It is being supported by another structure, as far as I'm concerned, so...
So that means you're saying that Alice is in second place,
and the winner, with his diagonal tower...
Controversially, it's Russell Howard.
Russell Howard gets five points.
- [applause] - [Russell] Boo! Boo!
Alex, let's have another task, please.
OK, here's a task involving a wardrobe, a walk,
and some hat restrictions.
Oh.
[whistle blows]
I can see!
[laughter]
[she laughs] Hi!
- [Alex] Hello, Alice. - Oh my gosh.
- Hi there. - [Alex] Hello, Asim.
Finally come out the closet.
Jokes. I'm not gay, guys.
"Wearing a hat..."
"...kiss the portrait of the Taskmaster in the Taskmaster's house."
Where am I?
"The hat must not come from the grounds of the Taskmaster's house."
"Closest to 30 minutes wins."
"Your time starts now."
Wearing a hat?
OK, so I need to find a hat first, and then make my way home?
- [Alex] OK, then. - OK.
What's the cupboard got to do with anything?
That's just how we transported you.
Right... OK.
[applause]
So it seems to me, it's a fairly important point that we make,
'cause we didn't want them to do it the fastest,
we wanted them to get the closest to exactly half an hour.
Yeah, they've got to get there in half an hour.
They didn't know where they were,
they'd been driven round blindfolded for quite a while,
and I led them to the place blindfolded.
I was also blindfolded whilst driving and walking.
[laughter]
So we were all quite confused.
I can tell you now, they were only about 500 metres from the house.
Right.
But they didn't know that.
Well, 'cause they'd been blind- folded and taken around...
- for 15 minutes. - And drugged, yeah.
[laughter]
We did, of course, take all their watches and phones off them before the task.
[Greg] Yeah.
We're gonna start off with Tarbuck,
named after seven ninths of the global coffee chain.
[laughter]
Shall I just get on with it?
♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪
Excuse me!
I'm just wondering if you could tell me what time it is, honestly.
11:10. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.
It is actually a lovely day, isn't it?
Good morning.
[laughter]
Oh, look at that tree!
Look how fat it is!
I think it's one of those eatable, um, chestnuts.
[Alex] It's very big.
Massive!
OK, I'm gonna go this way.
And I do need a hat, remember.
[Alex] I guess it's whether or not that's a hat, Liza.
Oh, it's clearly a hat.
[Alex] Looks like a bag.
Is a turban a hat?
[Alex] It's more of a hat than the plastic bag was.
I mean, it's never gonna be a perfect turban, is it?
Is that a hat?
That's what you look like.
Oh, that's quite attractive, isn't it?
I could be in a '70s sitcom with that on, can't I?
Yes, you could.
Right, I'll go and kiss Greg then.
[laughter]
How much do you think's passed, Liza?
I think we're in the 20s now.
[Alex] Thank you, Liza.
Thank you.
[Alex] Well done. Nice hat.
- [applause] - I really liked that.
Tonally, it sort of felt like a BBC coastal walk show.
[laughter]
I loved the whole idea of being lumbered round,
blindfolded and driven round. It just appeals.
Yeah, but...
- [laughter] - And then shoved in...
It does, 'cause you've dreamt that, "Yeah, I'll crack this!"
I felt really calm and I'm good in a crisis.
As soon as you were free, you just went for a stroll.
I was desperate to get out that morning.
- It was a beautiful day. - Yeah, you were saying hello to people.
You commented on what a lovely day...
You were like a sort of chilled headmistress.
She stopped to compliment a tree.
- [Greg] I know. - [laughter]
It felt like she landed the kiss on me
bang on the 30-minute mark.
That's my gut instinct from watching her, but let's find out.
Let's see someone else.
Next up, the one and only Tim Vine, and Asim Chaudhry.
- Oh, so not the one and only. - No.
[laughter]
I can make a hat, I guess.
But let's have a look.
So I've made a hat.
I don't know where I am.
It's not, like... I go in here and then I end up in the...
It's not Narnia, is it?
It's not gonna... What am I doing? That's not gonna work.
- [laughter] - It didn't work, no. OK, right.
Am I going the right way for the golf club?
Is there only one golf club?
I feel like it's this way.
This must be the way.
Oh...
Oh, it's there.
No, it's there!
[Alex] In this gap here, are we thinking?
[Asim] Yeah.
Hello, mate. You haven't got a hat, have you?
Hat on.
Mwah!
[applause]
Quite a change of pace from the two gentlemen.
Yeah, I misunderstood.
Same.
I thought it was get there as quickly as possible.
You two basically had a race back to the house.
Yeah.
[laughter]
Yeah, there's good news and bad news for Asim.
- That he won the race... - [Greg] Yeah.
...which meant that he was even further away from the half-an-hour mark.
Right.
He got there in nine minutes, which is pretty quick!
I was 20-something, surely.
You were ten minutes 40.
[laughter]
As this part comes to a close, let's raise an imaginary glass to part three.
Hey, you! Welcome back to Taskmaster, final part.
Here we go, Alex.
Am I right in thinking that I've been kissed by three hat-wearers?
Oh, yes, you are, and also me, of course.
So it's four, 'cause I kiss the picture every day, wearing my little trilby.
So, uh, here is...
- [laughter] - Here is the final grouping.
Russell and Howard and Alice.
- [Greg] Very good. - [Alex] Yeah.
OK.
This is cool.
I'm just gonna go on a little wander.
But I don't even know the address!
Is it 1 Taskmaster Road...
Taskmasterville?
[Alex] Worth a try.
Haven't you got a phone on you?
- You wanna make a phone call? - Yeah.
Can you call my manager,
and ask him to get me to the Taskmaster house?
[Alice] Hi. Can you help me? I'm lost.
- James, it's Russ. - Oh, hello, Russell.
Can you get me an Uber to pick me up from...
[Alice] Where did he go?
To the right?
The geezer went, and he knows!
[she squeaks]
Excuse me!
It's less than two minutes away.
Apparently this guy knows where the Taskmaster's house is.
- Which guy? - That guy.
OK.
Elvin's given me his hat, so it's fine.
I think he's the one.
Oh, yeah. Sweet.
Oh, it's a very nice car.
[Russell] Let's roll.
[laughter]
[Russell] I was wondering if I could borrow your hat?
Um, I'll take that one, please.
There you go. Looks like a hat to me.
[Alex] Hello, Alice.
Hi. Just waving Simon off.
- Brilliant. Cheers, Saeed. - No problem at all.
Lovely stuff. Right, I will be back.
I'm just gonna wait a bit because I'm a little bit early.
There we go.
It's about now, isn't it?
Hat, kissed it, done.
- I think I'm gonna go for it. - [Alex] Oh, yeah?
[Alex] Thank you, Alice.
[applause]
No one's ever said "Let's roll" after getting an Uber.
[laughter]
It felt exciting!
I didn't know where we were, we'd just been in a wardrobe...
[laughter]
It was a rather tentative kiss of my portrait at the end.
I suspect you were exhausted from winning over Elvin and Simon.
And Theodore!
[laughter]
[Alex] Oh, I hadn't thought that!
Oh, the Chipmunks!
[laughter]
What was Simon like?
Alex very kindly let me get into a stranger's car and drive off,
and then afterwards was like, "You OK?"
I'm like, "Well, yeah, thank God I am, 'cause Simon's a gent, but..."
But we're that poor, she may well have not been.
D'you know what I mean?
I wanna know who got closest to the half an hour,
and I want to give them the most points.
Well, I've done it with a graphic.
Let's have a look. This is how long they took.
So it won't start very tense. There's some early leaders.
- [Asim] Oh, my God. - [Tim] Oh dear, oh dear.
[laughter]
[Alex] Asim there.
[laughter]
Asim wins in 9 minutes, then we get Tim in ten minutes 40.
Awful.
[everyone gasps]
[Alex] It is Liza in 20 minutes 50.
Yeah, Russell got there in 24 minutes.
Alice hung around and got there in...
28 and a half.
[cheers and applause]
- Mighty impressive. - Mm-hm.
Here we go then, for the first time this series.
Please, competitors, will you head to the stage for the final task of the show?
[cheers and applause]
Someone should read the task for us.
OK, would you like Tim Vine to read it?
Yes, Tim Vine would be lovely.
- OK, running... - [laughter]
- Hello, Alex. - Here you go, Tim.
[clears throat]
"Sort the objects under the table in order of size."
"You must keep your elbows on the table top
and your head in your hands at all times."
"The smallest object should be on your right,
the largest object on your left,
and they must all be in line under your table."
"Also, there must be no fruit in your lineup."
[laughter]
"If there's any fruit left under your table, you will be disqualified."
"You have 100 seconds."
[Russell] Are we allowed to take our shoes off?
[Alex] If you want to take your shoes off, you can,
but if you could put them behind the table, that would be good.
So Liza's already done that, is that...?
[Tim] Have we started?
Elbows on the table, hands--
Hang on, she's already taken her shoes off, is that--
Ring your agent.
[laughter and applause]
Fuck it, fine, I'm taking them off too.
Largest on the left, smallest on the right, no fruit. Good luck.
Your time starts... [blows whistle]
[Greg] We're off!
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] Very delicate.
- Elbows on the table, please! - Oh, shit!
[laughter]
And head in your hands, thank you.
I've just got rid of a satsuma, a banana and a pineapple.
[laughter]
Largest on the left, smallest on the right, no fruit please.
What about tinned fruit, 'cause I think there's some...?
[Alice] Yeah, what if it's...?
Oh. Ah, shit!
Put your head in your hands, please!
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] Put your head in your hands! Thank you.
Elbows on the table!
You've got 20 seconds left, 20 seconds left!
[laughter]
There's seven seconds left!
Five, four, three, two, one...
[whistle blows]
[applause]
- Well, shall we go through it? - Please.
- We're gonna look at Alice first. - [Greg] Yep.
She has a banana under her table.
Shit.
- Then she is disqualified. - She is disqualified.
Oh, balls!
Yep, yep. There was a ball and a banana.
I thought it was a padlock.
That's why we picked bananas, isn't it?
'Cause we thought they might think it's a padlock.
- Yeah. - [laughter]
[Greg] The old soft, curved padlock.
Next up, Asim Chaudhry.
They're in the right order.
This could be Asim's moment of glory, isn't it?
There's two items left. The yoghurt's gone.
But they are in the right order.
[Greg] There we are.
Tonk!
Liza?
- Hello, Liza. - Hello.
- I can't see any fruit under there. - [Greg] Tick!
- I can see three items. - Tick?
- In the right order. - Tick!
Tonk!
[applause]
Russell's got his hair all ruffled doing whatever he was doing, hasn't he?
You've got two items, the same as Asim,
in the right order, and there is no fruit.
[Greg] Yes!
[applause]
Tim? Tim Vine?
Under there I can see two footballs, weirdly.
[laughter]
Hang on, he's nicked my ball!
[laughter]
Can I have my ball back?
There is a can of baked beans. It's in the right order.
[Russell] Oh, nice.
Oh! There's a banana!
No!
Ah, there's a padlock-- A banana under there.
Shall we bring them down and see how that's affected the final scores?
- OK, then. Here we go. - Come on down!
[applause]
- So... - So.
Alex Horne, tell us everything we need to know about footsie
and how it's affected things?
Well, as we saw, both Alice and Tim
had padlocks left under their tables.
[Greg] Of course.
The old bendy, soft padlock.
So they're disqualified. No points.
- Zero points. - Zero points.
Then, in joint second, with two items stacked correctly in order of size...
Yes, Asim and Russell.
Yes, please.
But there was one winner, all three correctly stacked.
Liza Tarbuck!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
So, final scoreboard...
- Final scoreboard. - First one of the series.
Yes, but not the last, because it looks like this.
[everyone gasps]
Yes. Asim there in last place.
[laughter]
But yeah, there are joint winners at this stage. Russell and Alice.
What does that mean, Alex?
It means we have a tie-break.
[everyone gasps]
Oh, I love a tie-break!
I'm not going against her, she's a wizard!
[laughter]
So, this one, they had to spin around as many times as possible
before kicking a football at the caravan.
[laughter]
Most spins wins.
But if you miss the caravan, you're out.
- Let's go. - Ready? Here we go.
[whistle blows]
[laughter]
So how many's that? One?
[Alex] It's a strange way of spinning.
This is supposed to help a bit.
- [laughter] - Doing that, that's...
That's a double spin.
Getting quite good, though.
Ooh, that's... I feel a little bit dizzy now.
Are you still there?
[whistle blows]
[Alex] Yes.
[applause]
You struck the caravan. I question how many spins there were there.
- Well, I've counted them. - There was plenty of minces.
[laughter]
Russell span round 19 times.
Slash, mincing.
Alice span round...
24 times.
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, Alice wins episode one.
Please head up and gather your liquids!
[cheers and applause]
So what have we learnt today?
Well, you know what they say.
If life gives you lemons,
squeeze some on your crotch of your safari suit and have a breakdown.
[laughter]
And to top that, we've learnt that the happy-go-lucky winner
of some personal liquids is Alice Levine!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you and good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]