Hello, and a warm, warm welcome to Taskmaster.
I'm Greg Davies and this is my head.
Never have five incongruous comedic personalities
ever wanted something so badly in their lives.
They want it so much that each of them has an empty award shelf
waiting for this beaut to take its place. Probably.
Your five potentially award- winning contestants are...
Alice Levine!
Asim Chaudhry!
Liza Tarbuck!
Russell Howard!
And Tim Vine!
[applause]
And next to me, a man who wafts into the studio like he's Lord Lucan.
[high-pitched] Oh, here he is.
It's little Alex Horne!
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, you're wearing glasses. - I am.
- I've got some glasses. - OK.
'Cause I want to be more like you.
Er, these are special glasses, though.
- There they are. Ready? - Yeeah.
So...
These have got... They've got mirrors,
so I can look just like a normal guy,
but actually, I'm looking down here.
Ready? I can read from this.
Yeah?
- Ready? - Yeah.
OK.
Uh, I actually have great vision and really good coordination,
but these are special glasses with mirrors in,
which means even though I'm just-- I can see that.
[laughter]
I know for a fact that you're gonna have to read off an autocue in a second,
and I insist that they stay on.
[laughter]
Really?
Yeah, that's backfired, hasn't it?
[laughter]
Well, according to my watch...
[laughter]
...it's time for the prize task.
This week we've asked them to bring in
the scariest thing from their kitchen.
OK, there are five points for the person who's
brought in the scariest thing.
At the end of the show, whoever wins the show
goes home with five scary kitchen items.
What a prize haul this is going to be. Alice?
May we start with you?
The scary thing that I've brought from my kitchen is...
some ham that I left out in the sun.
Are you ready to see Alice's smelly, sweaty ham?
Yes.
- Here it is. - [Greg groans]
I don't think there's anything scarier than biting into a sandwich
that's been left out to more than room temperature,
- and the ham has changed state. - I'm sorry, there is something
- scarier than that. - Is there?
Werewolves.
Being attacked by a bear was what I was...
No, but I think you know what's gonna happen there
with the ham sandwich. That's a tickin' time bomb.
You don't know.
I'd rather take my risk with a bit of minor food poisoning
than having my face bitten off.
[laughter]
Um, Asim?
This is the most terrifying piece of fanart I've ever seen in my life.
[Greg] Let's have a look.
[laughter]
I look like a demented samurai.
[laughter]
Could you just recreate that expression for me?
[Greg] It's better than you think!
[Alice] It is uncanny, actually, yes.
So then, what I've done is - I eat late-night, which is really bad -
I put it on my fridge to stop me from eating,
'cause it's genuinely terrifying.
But judging by the clearly visible food stains on the art, it hasn't worked.
You've obviously thought, "No, I can get past this."
Yeah.
You've sprayed some sauce on the top of that picture.
It hasn't worked.
Who's next?
- Russell Howard. - Russell Howard. Welcome.
So, my girlfriend has got a thing called a doggy-cam...
where she can spy...
[laughter]
...on the dog, when she wants, from work,
which now means she can also spy on me...
Yeah.
...whenever she wants.
The other day, I was scratching my ass...
Suddenly, I got a text of a photo of me scratching my arse,
that said, "Busy, are we?"
[laughter]
Tim?
I have some kitchen cupboards in my kitchen...
- [Russell chuckles] - ...and they've got slightly
- dodgy hinges. - Right.
And there's one particular one, and sometimes I open it,
the hinge goes, and it'll go bang, like that, on your head.
And it's a proper shocker when it happens.
It's scary. It really, really hurts.
He's just got a bad hinge, right?
Yeah, I'll show you it.
Yeah, let's have a look at it.
Argh! Aargh!
[Alex] You OK?
How many times has this hit you on the head?
Well, certainly twice.
[laughter]
Well, Tim, thank you so much
for bringing a bad-hinged door in as your prize,
and thus making your new kitchen tax-deductible.
It's true, yeah.
Very clever, my friend.
- Very clever. - [laughter]
[Greg] Liza?
I wanna be honest about this fear,
'cause it gets me every time I get the food blender out.
That when you're julienning a potato...
that just one day, you'll just have that,
"Oh, pardon? Argh!"
and then you've done your finger.
Yeah. So you've just brought a food processor, right?
[laughter]
But again, it's physical pain, isn't it?
If I were you, I'd just...
[laughter]
Liza had almost made us forget
the fact that you've brought a cupboard door in.
- [laughter] - Just for a second.
Are we gonna see a picture of your food processor?
- Let's see. - [Alex] There's a hint of a finger.
[they groan]
- [Greg] That is grotesque. - [Liza] Yeah.
The idea of a losing a finger in...
Right, have you judged the prizes?
OK, here we go.
See if we can all guess who's in last place.
[laughter]
I'm not scared of your cupboard door!
Tim Vine, one point.
I've got a strong constitution, as you know,
and I am regularly gobbling clammy ham.
OK, so two points to Alice Levine.
I'm actually putting Liza's food processor...
If it was a real severed finger, she'd have taken the top spot.
[Alex] Aww.
[Greg] The threat was there, so I'm giving her three points.
Three points to Liza.
Asim's thing scared the life out of me. Four points.
And I think the fact that Russell's girlfriend is clearly spying on him
is both creepy and scary.
Five points to Russell Howard. There we go.
[cheers and applause]
Very good. Can we please have our first task proper?
OK, we've got a sport of sorts, of course. Ready?
- Yep! - Here it is.
Hello.
- [Alex] Hello, Asim. - Hey, man.
- [Alex] Hello, Russell. - Hello.
Rugby, eh?
[Alex] There's a task somewhere.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- [Asim] Oh, it's there. - [Alex] Yeah.
Take my shirt off for this, I think.
[laughter]
Comin' in.
"Knock the bails off the stumps."
"You've got a maximum of one over."
Don't know what that is.
Which is a throw.
[Alex] An over is six throws.
Which is-- That's what I was gonna say.
"Which is a throw, times six," if you'd let me finish.
"You must make your attempts from behind this stump."
"No stumps may be moved."
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now."
I don't have a ball.
I do have loads of balls.
[applause]
So they had to knock off the bails from 22 yards,
which is the length of ten queen-size beds,
or ten king-size beds, 'cause you do it width-wise,
- so it doesn't matter... - Yeeah?
...queen or king. Obviously, they had balls provided.
But this is series six, they're not just gonna grab the balls and throw.
I haven't seen these, but anyone who just
grabbed the balls and threw them, that would be an act of madness.
- Stupidity. - I agree.
I have to make a really quick phone call, so I'll be right back.
Are they stumps?
- [Alex] Yes, they are stumps. - Yeah, I thought so.
Good?
If I create, like, buffers,
like this, so it can't roll off...
[Alex] Mm-hm.
- Like a bowling alley. - Those are buffers.
Not really gonna be enough buffer.
[laughter]
[Alex] What did you think was gonna happen, Alice?
That... That's what I planned.
Fuck.
That's shit.
Slight wind that way.
Argh!
Not enough wind.
Thought it'd curl a bit more.
Yep, that's what I wanted to happen, so that's good.
[applause]
It was a straightforward approach, but...
I would argue that after five had gone really badly...
I thought, "He's gonna come up with something else here."
[laughter]
I just panic whenever there's a timed situation, like, "Fastest time wins."
I just don't think. I just act.
- [Alex] Yeah. - [Greg] Yeah.
- Don't think, just act. - Don't think, just act.
He missed in just one minute 50, so very fast.
[laughter]
And, um, what was going on with you?
It was disappointing at best.
- I wrote down a hypothesis during it. - Oh, great.
My hypothesis is this.
"Alice did no better than if she had
put all of those balls onto a tray,
and dropped the tray."
[laughter]
That's, in fact, a better method.
Yeah, no score after ten minutes and eight seconds.
- It was a slow failure, that one. - Gosh.
- Both rubbish. Who's next? - Both very rubbish.
Next up, it's Tim Vine, RKA "The Stump".
- RKA? - Rarely Known As.
[laughter]
I've got an idea, but I'm not gonna use...
- I'm allowed over here, aren't I? - Yes, just don't...
- I just want to have a little look. - Don't move any stumps, please.
No, no, I'm not gonna move anything.
Who's tied this string to this bit here?
Right, hang on...
Right.
Come on, Vine. It matters. Right.
[Alex] Lovely knot.
Thank you.
[laughter]
[Alex] I've stopped the clock.
That was great. Thank you, Tim.
[cheers and applause]
I have got one question.
- You had six balls there. - I know.
You'd give a couple a chuck first,
- wouldn't you? - I should have, yeah.
Well, it worked an absolute treat, didn't it?
Yeah, the time was two minutes and 28 seconds.
[they gasp]
[applause]
Sorry to say that bad light has stopped play for part one, but fear not.
Russell and Liza are next in to bat,
right after these incredible commercials.
Hello.
Look at the state of you and welcome back to Taskmaster.
We're in the middle of a sporting task
and Alex would love to remind you
about what's happened so far, wouldn't you?
More than anything, Greg.
Yes, our contestants are simply trying
to knock off the bails from some stumps.
So far, Asim and Alice did what's known in cricket as
- awfully, but... - [laughter]
Tim Vine used ingenuity and is currently in the lead.
Next up is RADA graduate Liza Tarbuck.
Ooh, that was close, wasn't it?
[metal clattering]
[laughter]
It's the stuff of dreams.
Now, I can put that there, but I've got to stay here.
Bloody idiot. OK.
Too right!
[audience] Oooh...
Bloody...
idiot!
Right.
Oh, it's going. I tell you what, whether it likes it or not, it's going.
Come on!
Bosh! Have that!
- Thank you, Liza. - Thank you very much.
[applause]
I mean, presumably, you knew you'd broken the rules by...
Yeah.
...pushing a giant oil drum into some bails and then shouting,
and I have written this down, Liza,
"Bosh, 'ave it!"
[laughter]
You know, competing and completing.
It's always such a good feeling, isn't it?
Isn't it? Let's compete, let's complete.
- Bosh, 'ave it. - [laughter]
Right, who's next?
The final person. It's Russell Howard's attempt.
Russell Howard. He's a sportsman.
First time, I reckon.
There you go.
[gasps and cheers]
[cheers and applause]
Call me when I'm needed.
[applause]
Difficult not to be impressed, I suppose...
Because you were all so delighted by Russell's skills,
you will have missed his out line, which was,
"Call me when I'm needed."
[laughter]
I've never done that before. It was exhilarating.
[Greg] Yeah.
It's a lot easier when there's no batsman.
[laughter]
[Greg] Come on, give me some points.
He took a So Solid 21 seconds.
- So Solid? - Yeah?
And I know all the lyrics to "21 Seconds to Go".
Alex actually does know all the lyrics.
Well, I... I sort of do.
[laughter]
"Thug of the family, who could I be?"
"M with the A to the C, that's me."
"Still thuggin'..." See, I know all the lyrics.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
[applause]
Let's get back to the game, shall we?
Zero points to Alice, Asim and Liza.
[Greg] That's correct.
- Four to Tim. - Yes?
- And five to Russell Howard. - [Greg] Boom!
[cheers and applause]
You look like you want to show me a scoreboard, Alex.
It's the first of the show and Russell Howard's on ten.
- Tim's next on five. - [Greg] Right. Good.
[Alex] There we go.
[applause]
[Greg] Next?
We have some mysterious art.
- Hello, mate. - [Alex] Oh, hello, Asim.
- Alright, petal? - [Alex] Yes, thank you.
Art. I'm worried already.
Oh, I like this already. I like felt tips.
Let's get cracking.
"Draw a picture of the contents of this box."
"You may not open the box or look inside."
"Also, you get a bonus point if you can name the person
represented by the contents of the box."
"You've got ten minutes."
"Your time starts now."
I'm not allowed to put my... I can put my hand in, can I?
There's a hole in the side.
"You may not open the..."
AHH, you see?
I... Come on!
Right. Hand goes in.
I'm allowed to shove me hand up it, am I?
[applause]
Interesting celebration, that you realised
you were allowed to put your hand in the box.
I have a feeling I've made a real mess of this.
Oh, I'm almost certain that's the case.
[laughter]
Good. Um, let's see some stuff.
OK, so they're trying to paint the contents of the box,
they couldn't see the contents of the box,
and they also had to work out the celebrity that linked the contents of the box.
This is them, painting.
So, what have we got?
[Alice shrieks]
What is that?
It's sopping wet.
Ugh.
- [he sniffs] - [laughter]
Oh, why is it so viscous?
Wet.
That's... That's like a dead squirrel.
There's a thing that feels like roadkill
doused in syrup.
It feels like there's a hat with an animal tail.
A wet fur hat.
Eugh.
Oh, what's that?
And then, in the middle, there's what can only be described as
something not safe for broadcast.
Or is it a trombone?
OK, there's a statue there.
Oh, and he's fig-leaved up, I think, this guy.
[Alex] Fig-leaved up?
Yeah, well, I can feel something there, and I don't think it's a...
gent's veg.
I'm not... OK, that's a dick.
This is really, really tricky.
Right, I don't know. I don't know what that is.
Oh, hang on. Hang on a minute.
There's a wet bra in there.
- [Alex] That was quick. - Yeah.
I've saved a lot of people from rivers.
Is that a bra?
Well, that feels like a wet bra.
It's nothing weird, is it?
Like a Fleshlight or something, is it?
- [Alex] A what? - Huh?
- [Alex] What? - Nothing.
Should colour in the bra, I guess.
Kind of bra a dinner lady would wear.
- [Alex] Oh, yes. - Do you know what I mean?
- [whistle blows] - Thank you.
[whistle blows]
Shall I go?
[Alex] Yeah, well done. Thank you for the accurate picture.
Thank you very much for the opportunity of drawing.
[applause]
Asim, I should come to you first.
Your instinct - it's the hand-sniff.
Yeah, I'm quite a sensory person, so...
If I do touch something weird, I wanna just check it's not...
Touch it and sniff it.
Touch and sniff, yeah.
Touch and sniff. We've all got a system.
[laughter]
You then announced, "That's a dick."
That's when I wanna just pop over and chat to Alice for a while.
Hello.
Because you said, "That's something not safe for broadcast."
Now I think that's your version of, "That's a dick."
- [laughter] - Yeah.
Yeah, bit of me thought it might be a dildo.
A bit of me...
A bit of you thought it was a trombone.
Yeah, it was a 50/50 divide.
'Cause they're famously very comparable, aren't they?
Touch-wise, is it a dick, is it a trombone?
[Alice] Yeah, exactly.
It was more the sopping wet pelt that I could feel
- that was kind of throwing... - Wet pelt. Again.
[he laughs]
It's not necessarily sexual, but...
wet pelt!
So this is Liza's picture.
Oh, hello.
- [Russell] Oh, nice! - [Alice] Very good.
[Greg] I mean, that is genuinely...
- [Russell] That's great! - ...incredible.
[Alex] I can compare that with what was actually in the box.
It was a Davy Crockett hat, a wet bra,
and a statue of Michelangelo's David.
[cheers and applause]
- So it's a really good painting, then. - It's a strong start.
- Isn't it? - Yeah.
Something tells me, call me suspicious,
that it's all gonna go downhill from here.
- Well, I'll save Asim, but Alice... - Let's have a look at Alice, yeah.
- [Alex] Alice's is quite technical. - [Russell] Very good.
[Greg] I like the bra, clearly designed for a woman with a triangular body.
I mean, honestly, it's just genuinely quite impressive,
and you didn't have to put the box in.
- Threw it in for good measure. - Oh, just threw that in, yeah!
Um, Asim, though...
Here we go. Strap yourselves in.
[laughter and applause]
As far as I can work out, it's a Pokémon symbol,
a pair of glasses and a pissed E.T.
[laughter]
- Wow. - Compete, complete.
[Greg] Absolutely incredible.
Is art your thing, Tim?
Er, not really. I doodle a bit, but I wouldn't say that I'm an artist.
Well, we're about to find out, aren't we?
Yeah, he's not. Do you want to see it?
[laughter]
[Greg] Let's have a look.
[laughter]
I think you've done yourself a disservice.
Tim, do you think that bras are just a string
with two bits of round fabric attached to them?
[Tim] Well, they can be.
[laughter]
Well, it's interesting.
Interesting, OK. Is that what you were looking for?
Russell Howard. Good at sport, good at art?
Nooo.
- [Greg] No? - No.
[Greg] Oh, no.
[laughter and applause]
What's going on with that bloke?
It's a little snowman going, "Cooee!"
[Alex] Yeah.
[Liza] It's a map of the UK.
[laughter]
[Tim] Is that a post box? What's on the left?
[Greg] Well, that was gonna be my next question.
What, is that a post box?
No, it's a hat, because the front of the hat there,
and then the back bit is sort of swooping there.
- [Greg] Oh, yeah. Swooping down. - [Russell] Yeah, yeah.
So which is the most accurate?
[Greg] Obviously, Asim's is the most accurate.
I am joking.
[laughter]
[Greg] Well, obviously, it's Liza, isn't it? It's Liza Tarbuck.
- [Alex] Yeah? - Thank you.
OK, five points to Liza.
[applause]
[Greg] Followed by old Toblerone Bra.
OK, so four points to Alice.
Then I'm gonna give three points to Tim's praying mantis.
And here we are at the bottom of the barrel.
[Greg] No, I can't separate that.
I'm gonna give them one point each.
- One point each... - Of course I am.
...to Russell and Asim.
There is one more bit of business.
They had to work out which celebrity was linked by the contents of the box.
Do you wanna see them all guessing?
Yes, please. So this is for a bonus point?
A bonus point, whoever guessed the celebrity that linked them.
Bra, man, hat.
[he whispers] Barbra...
[Alex] Sorry, what name are you saying there?
No, I was just saying Barbra Streisand, but...
Bar, bra... bar-bra...
Hat, bra.
Bra-hat statue.
Statue bra-hat.
What does a wet bra mean?
Is it Bra-bra Windsor?
Possibly Oscar Pistorius,
because that could be an Oscar,
and you've covered the bra in piss.
Fur, bra.
Like... Ursula Andress, you think of, maybe.
Ma-hat-ma Bra Gandhi.
[laughter]
OK, my guess is Margaret Thatcher. I don't know.
Hat-and-bra! Hat-and-bra!
David... David...
- Attenborough! - [DING]
That's my guess.
David Attenborough.
[applause]
Tim and Russell both got David Hat-and-bragh.
And before that, we had some guesses
of the world-famous celebrities,
Bra-bra Hat,
Statue Bra-hat,
Bra-bra Windsor,
and Mahatma Bra Gandhi.
[laughter]
So, two bonus points there.
[Alex] Yeah, 'cause it was Wet David Attenborough.
Let's get down to finding out why you made the bra wet,
'cause I genuinely don't know.
I've been baffled throughout watching this.
Well, you said, "Represent David Attenborough",
and he's been knighted, so is now Wet David Attenborough.
[Greg] You mean Sir David Attenborough, do you?
Wet... but yeah, Wet David... You quite often call knights...
No, no, no. No, you don't.
You call a knight...
- Wet? - Sir.
- Yeah, so it's Sir Richard Branson. - Or Wet Richard Branson.
No, not Wet Richard Branson.
Well, Wet Andy Murray, you'd say that, wouldn't you?
Or Wet Steven Redgrave?
Oh, man. I genuinely worry about you, Alex.
It's time for a very quick break,
because we've got so, so much work to do here.
Hurry back, please. Please hurry!
Hello.
It's Taskmaster you're watching, and you're in part three.
What sort of thing have you got lined up next, Alex Horne?
We've got a team one, but it's also an individual one.
- Oh? - Mm-hm. Here it is.
[faint buzzing noise]
What's that?
[Alex] What's what?
Fucking hell. It's like Jaws.
[laughter]
"Write down as many obscure animals as possible."
"You have three minutes. Your time starts now."
Um...
- Duck-billed platypus. - [Alex] That's quite obscure.
The lesser spotted blue tit.
- Sabre-toothed tiger. - Oh, yeah.
Very obscure now.
Dodo.
Obscure.
T-Rex.
Obscure, dead.
Piranha. Hear a lot about 'em, very rarely see 'em.
Liger.
- A liger? - Yeah.
- Lovely. - It's pretty obscure.
[whistle blows]
[Alex] Would you mind taking that list into the living room now, please?
Yes.
[applause]
Uh, the T-Rex. An obscure animal?
It is where I live.
[laughter]
Do you wanna see what happened next?
You're about to be hoisted by your own petard.
Yes, they didn't know what was coming.
This is what was coming.
- Hello, Alice. - Hello.
This is weird.
"Guess the animals that your team-mate has on their list."
Yes.
"Your team-mate must only use mime."
"They may not write anything down or show you the list."
"You have ten minutes. Most animals guessed wins."
"Your time starts now."
Right, OK.
[he roars]
Sabre-toothed tiger.
- Yes. - [DING]
[he roars]
Sabre-toothed tiger.
[roaring continues]
A baboon? Isn't that a baboon?
[she giggles]
Oh, sorry. T-Rex.
- Yes. - [DING]
A platypus.
- A duck-billed platypus. - [DING]
Oh, bird-watching...
Uh, lesser spotted... Lesser spotted...
Jumper. A lesser spotted blue tit.
[DING]
- [she laughs] - [applause]
Guppy, kind of...
shit fish.
Small with a huge jaw.
- Piranha! - Yes!
[DING]
Monster cat.
Mega cat. Tiger cat.
Cat tiger.
A liger.
- [DING] - Yes!
[whistle blows]
Thanks, guys.
[applause]
Incredible work.
There were a possible 16 animals. They scored...
- 11 out of 16. - [everyone gasps]
- [Alex] Pretty good. - [applause]
- Pretty strong. - Mm-hm.
Can we see the others?
OK, we're now gonna see Asim making his list,
before he knew he was gonna have to act them out.
Yeah, I mean, strap yourselves in.
[laughter]
Blue dog.
Three-eyed raven.
[Alex] Three-eyed raven?
Anorexic elephant.
[Alex] An anorexic elephant?
Eight-bollock cat.
[Alex] Eight-bollock cat.
Uh... Dodo?
Laser... beam... turtle.
[whistle blows]
- Got your proper task now. - Oh, for f...
"Guess the animals that your team-mate has on their list."
- "Your team-mate must only use mime." - [laughter and applause]
"Your time starts now."
[applause]
- Dog. - Pig.
Dog.
- Pen dog. - Cow dog.
- Top dog. - Lid dog. Lid...
- Blue? Blue dog. - [DING]
- Blue dog. - Blue dog.
That famous breed.
A blue dog.
[Liza] Two words. Second word?
- Elephant. - Elephant.
- [Liza] First word? - [laughter]
- Thin. - Guppy elephant.
Thin elephant.
Somebody who's got a disease for eating.
- Anorexic! Anorexic elephant. - [DING]
[both] Three words. First word?
- Eight. - Eight. Second word?
- Balls. Eight balls. - Bollocks?
Eight-bollocked...
Whiskers. Moustache.
- Cat! - [DING]
Eight-bollocked cat.
One word. Two syllables.
- Pockets. Dealing. - Deal. Cash.
Dough. Dough.
Dough.
- OK? - Yeah.
How's dough two syllables?
- Don't know. - Dodo!
- Dodo. Oh, I see.
[both] Three words. First word.
[Liza] Shoot. Bullet.
- Careful. Trip-wires. - Laser. Laser!
Third word.
Shy badger.
[Liza] You've got a really big head.
- Hooded. Laser-hooded. - Are you an anteater?
Turtle!
- Laser, laser ray... - Laser. Right.
A, B, C...
- B? - Beam!
[DING]
Laser-beam tortoise. Turtle.
- [whistle blows] - [Asim] Thank you.
[Tim] Thank you very much.
[applause]
I mean, honestly, frankly miraculous...
- Yeah. - ... that you guessed any.
But the world of real obscure animals, not obscure enough for you.
I'm really frightened of anorexic elephant.
[laughter]
I flipped it, mate. I flipped it.
And, honestly, I'm sure I speak for everybody,
I would have bet my life that you wouldn't have been able to convey
eight-bollocked cat.
[laughter]
It was Tim who got that, and you said the word "bollock",
and you were so surprised that you swore.
- Yeah, yeah. - [Alex] You got it right.
You had to. It's not your fault. It's the name of the creature.
[laughter]
Thirteen on their list, 11 to beat. They scored eight.
[they groan]
- [applause] - Good effort.
Points-wise, though, there's normally five to play for in the teams.
But I think three and two would be a fair split.
OK, two points to this team, three points to Team Funk.
[applause]
Time for one more?
Yes, we've got time for a quickie in the kitchen.
Ooh.
Are we thinking pancakes? Is that the vibe?
Ooh, OK.
"Wearing this sweatband around your head at all times..."
"...tuck as many items from the kitchen inside the sweatband as possible."
"Then make a pancake with a diameter of at least nine inches."
"Then eat the whole pancake."
"You have two minutes to tuck things in your sweatband,
then eight minutes to cook and eat the pancake."
"Most kitchen items successfully kept within the sweatband wins."
OK.
"Your time starts now."
[applause]
Two minutes to tuck things inside your sweatband,
then eight minutes to cook and eat a pancake.
Most pancake eaten and most things left in the sweatband after the task.
- OK. - Complicated sports cooking.
- Yeah. - Mm-hm.
OK, we're gonna see three attempts in one.
Alice and Liza and Asim. These three. Ready?
[Greg] Yes.
Obviously, banana straight away.
♪ Ba-doo do-do do-do doo ♪
I might need that, so I'm not gonna put it.
Uh... Ooh, look at that. Hundreds and thousands.
Ow!
- Some tongs. - [Alex] Tongs.
Um, how long do I have?
[Alex] You've got 30 seconds left to tuck things inside your headband.
There's measuring spoons. That's good.
[whistle blows]
- OK, I'm gonna leave it at that for now. - [Alex] OK.
[Alex] You've got eight minutes to cook and eat a pancake. Good luck.
OK.
Two, three...
Eggs, obviously.
- OK, no worries. - [laughter]
[Alex] Alice... Have you read the task properly?
Sorry?
[Alex] Have you definitely read the task properly?
"Most kitchen items successfully kept within the sweatband wins."
Oh, bugger!
[laughter]
Might speed it up.
Whoa!
Gotcha.
Oh, you...
It's cooking.
I'm going to eat that, because otherwise I'll run out of time.
- Oh, yeah. Lovely, that. - [audience groans]
I think that's burning a bit.
[Alex] Two minutes to eat as much as you can.
Oh, not bad.
Oh, I have to eat it during...?
Mmm.
- [Alex] You've got 30 seconds. - [muffled] Oh, God.
- [Alex] 15 seconds left. - Mmm.
H-h-hh...
[laughter]
Hhh...
[laughter and applause]
[whistle blows]
- [Alex] Well, you got most of it down. - Mm-mm.
[he exhales] Really hot.
[applause]
Alice...
[she laughs]
Alex whispered to me, "You'll be interested in Alice's reaction,
because she totally loses her mind halfway through."
I don't know... I really thought I'd understood it right.
No.
I don't know what the bit was where you were supposed to
just shake until everything fell out of the headband.
[Alex] Yeah.
They're all imagined, all of those bits.
Weirdly, you managed to leave in there a whisk, two spoons,
and a spatula, which are the things you need to make a pancake.
- Yes. - [laughter]
I love the fact that squirty cream just emerges
in pretty much everything Asim does.
[laughter]
But what that was, it was...
It was to cool the...
Yeah, 'cause we had, like... I'd misread that bit, that you have to eat it,
so there was, like, 20 seconds left.
We've all got our own methods for a speed pancake-eat.
Yours happens to be squirt cream.
You went straight for the cold tap.
Yeah.
- [Greg] Lovely. - Damn right.
Liza certainly ate three quarters of her pancake,
which is the most out of the three of them.
Asim ate half of it and a whole can of cream.
[laughter]
Alice, not so much.
Mine was raw.
Yes, yes.
Yeah.
"Yes, yes."
That's all very interesting, but it's the end of part three.
Alice Levine's warm ham will soon have a proud new owner,
unless Alice wins it. It's so complicated, isn't it?
See you soon for the final part of the show.
Welcome back to the final part of Taskmaster.
An intellectual task was in full swing, wasn't it?
Very much so. They had to put as many items as possible
from the kitchen inside their headband, and keep them there
while they cooked and then ate a nine-inch pancake.
Most items still tucked in at the end wins.
We've seen Alice, Asim and Liza.
Next up, Tim and Russell.
[Alex] The plug, was it?
That was a plug, yes. Two plugs.
Chewing gum.
- [Alex] That's a big spoon. - Yep, two of those.
One of those.
Post-it notes.
Umm...
[whistle blows]
[laughter]
[Alex] Now you've got eight minutes to cook and eat a pancake.
I presume a pancake is not dissimilar to an omelette.
Some of that in.
Put some bananas in it.
I dunno what I've made but that is not a pancake.
[applause]
Flipped.
[Alex] How is it?
A bit too thick.
Fuck, that's hot.
I know it seems like I'm being silly, adding to it,
but it sort of makes it more palatable.
Fucking hell.
[he coughs]
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[applause]
Well, I was impressed with both of you,
that you had time to add a few flavours.
Mine was too thick.
It was like 19 pancakes.
For some reason, you both put four eggs in.
[laughter]
Tim did have the most things in his sweatband.
Oh, did he?
I mean, 28 chopsticks helped the total.
Lovely final addition.
Fifteen bin liners, two massive spoons,
kitchen roll, four little spoons, a sponge,
cloths, plugs and grapes. There's a lot.
- Yeah, there's a lot. - A lot.
Russell's had Post-it notes and tissues.
I dunno how you're gonna judge this.
I can tell you that Liza Tarbuck put two things
of hundreds and thousands in.
One fell out, one stayed in.
So she did have hundreds and thousands
- of hundreds and thousands in there. - Fair play.
Russell ate the most, then Liza, then Asim, then Alice, then Tim.
Right.
But Liza got the most in, then Tim,
then Russell, then Asim, then Alice.
[Greg] OK.
So the bottom is easier than the top, as my mum always...
- Right. - [laughter]
I don't know what that would mean. I don't know what...
I think that we should give Asim three points and Alice two.
We were equally bad, weren't we? So probably both get three.
No, Alice was worse.
[laughter]
Yeah, and then these three, I don't know what you do with them.
Alright, they all got five points. There you go.
[applause]
One more scoreboard update, Alex, please.
Yes, before the final task, Russell has the lead,
but it can be cut short. He is just four points ahead of Tim Vine.
There we go.
[applause]
Off you go, then. Please make your way to
the stage for the final task of the show.
[cheers and applause]
Very impressive.
Can Asim read the task out, please, Alex?
OK, could you pass that to Asim Chaudhry?
- Sure. - Thank you.
"Get an egg as close to the centre of the target as possible."
[everyone gasps]
"You must stand on the spot when taking your turn."
"You must ROLL..." That was capitals.
"...two of your eggs."
"The person whose egg is furthest from the centre of the target
after each round is eliminated."
"The person in first place goes first."
Well, that's definitely not me.
Mm-hm. It's Russell Howard to throw first.
[Liza] Is this suddenly that thing from the Olympics?
- Well, yeah, it's... - [Alice] Curling.
- Curling. - Curling.
Oh, fuck!
[laughter and applause]
[Liza] Oh, no!
[Tim] Measure.
- Catchphrase and then leave. - Mother of God.
I've selected me egg.
[laughter]
Will you be rolling, or...? Let's see.
[laughter]
Ready?
- [laughter] - [Alex] OK.
[Alex] Back to your place, please, Russell.
[applause]
He's not necessarily elimi--
Oh, fuck off, Alex!
[laughter]
OK, second in the league table is Tim Vine, at this stage.
- Ooh! - What?
Oh, no, I was just excited, sorry.
[laughter]
- [everyone gasps] - [Liza] Nice work!
[applause]
OK, next up, it's Liza Tarbuck to throw.
- [everyone gasps] - Oh ho!
- Feels good! - [Alex] It's inside of Russell.
Liza and Tim are safe, and it's Alice next.
Oh, no.
- [gasps and applause] - Yeah, that's safe, that's safe.
[Liza] Nicely done!
So Russell needs Asim to do something dreadful here to stay in the game.
[gasps and applause]
[Liza] Blimey!
[blows whistle] Russell is eliminated. Tim Vine to roll.
- Oh, lovely. Lovely. - [Liza] Oh, hello.
[Alice] Beautiful.
- [audience gasps] - [Liza] See ya.
[audience groans]
[Asim] OK, now we know. Now we know.
- What do you mean, now we know? - [Asim] Now we know!
[Tim] It's almost like some sort of egg scam.
Liza's up.
And I see it didn't need that much welly, did it?
Almost none.
- [Greg] Oooh. - [Liza] See ya!
[laughter and applause]
[Liza] It needs some.
[applause]
Oh dear...
Tim seems to have made it through to the final. It's Alice Levine next.
Oh, lovely. Oh, lovely!
[Liza] Hello!
[everyone gasps]
[applause]
- [Greg] That was a lovely quail roll. - Thank you.
- OK, Asim, your turn. - Right, OK.
[Liza] Oh, look.
[Asim] No worries.
[Alex] He's safe. Yeah.
[applause]
Liza, you're eliminated. I'm sorry.
[whistle blows]
It's the final, it's the final. Tim Vine to throw first, of course.
He's got one quail's egg and he must roll it.
[audience gasps]
[Alex] Has he given it enough? OK.
[applause]
Alice, you're next. Ostrich, please.
Oh, it is heavy.
So tense.
[laughter]
- [Greg] Oh! - [audience gasps]
Oh, textbook-- Oh, no!
- [audience] Oooh! - [Liza] It didn't break.
Now then, we will need a tape measure.
[applause]
[Asim] Right.
[he kisses egg]
[Greg] Yeah.
Good luck, Asim.
[Russell] Yes, yes!
[everyone gasps]
[applause]
Can we have a third, second and first place, Greg, when you...?
First for Asim, second for Tim,
and whose...? That was Alice's?
- [Alex] Alice Levine. - Yeah, well, there we are.
So it's five points to Asim Chaudhry!
[cheers and applause]
Why don't we tot those up and add them to the main scores,
then we'll find out how that's affected everything.
Come on down.
[applause]
- [Alex] Hello. - Very good, hello.
Who was best, Alex?
There's only one person really worth talking about,
and it's Asim Chaudhry. Wonderful technique.
- [Greg] He's found it. He's found his thing. - Finally.
He overtook Alice into fourth place.
But despite the drop, the final scoreboard looks like this.
We have a winner by one point.
What?
[Alex] It's Mr Russell Howard!
[cheers and applause]
Yes, Russell Howard is tonight's winner.
Please go and secure your scary kitchen items!
[cheers and applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that Taskmaster is a dangerous place.
Beware Asim Chaudhry's laser-beam turtle.
Beware Liza Tarbuck's rolling oil drum.
Beware the flying contents of Alice Levine's headband.
Beware Russell Howard's unpredictable egg.
But most of all, beware Tim's cupboard door!
It's a bit loose!
[laughter]
And of course, Russell Howard won the episode.
Isn't he just the best?
Thanks for joining us, we'll see you next time. Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]