Hello.
I am Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
Back when I was posing for this trophy,
I started thinking about our contestants.
Thinking about the enormous pressure they're under here,
and how you can see the lines getting deeper and deeper
on their already exhausted faces.
That was a good day.
So, let's get on with it and meet the five people
battling it out to make you happy. They are...
Alice Levine!
Asim Chaudhry!
Liza Tarbuck!
Russell Howard!
Tim Vine!
[applause]
Oh, and look what's just plonked itself on the little seat next to me!
It's...
[high-pitched] Little Alex Horne!
[cheers and applause]
Gotta get on with the show, but let's banter.
OK, I've got a confession to make.
- Oh? - Mm-hm?
I did something to you...
when you were asleep last night.
With you.
For-- I did something for you.
For and with?
Yes, it involved my two favourite things,
your face and rubbing.
- Ready? - Mmm.
I did a little brass rubbing of your face.
- Ooh. - [laughter]
- Do you like it? - I do like it.
- How does it make you feel? - It's really nice.
It makes me feel like that's exactly how I sleep,
- with my eyes wide open. - [laughter]
So, shall we get on with the show?
Of course. So, we're gonna start with the prize task.
The theme for this show is who could bring in the most interesting footwear.
- Asim? - Right, you might be into this.
Basically, I was out in LA - not to namedrop or anything,
but me and the Kurupt FM boys,
we know a couple of famous rappers out there.
- Yeah? - There's a guy called Post Malone,
and he's got a room full of shoes that he never ever wears.
So I picked up, like, three pairs of trainers, but...
- Three? - Yeah.
It's bad enough being greedy at a buffet.
[laughter]
But there were these cowboy boots that I saw, and I thought,
"Trainer on one foot, cowboy boot on the other. Smart casual."
He has worn these things in public before.
- I have, yeah, many times. - We've got a video of him. Here it is.
Smart casual.
[laughter and applause]
I was about to say, this is the first prize task that you've done
that isn't a picture of you.
And the camera pans up,
and you've got a picture of you on your own t-shirt.
[laughter]
- Who's next? - Alice.
So, I've gone for something that's gone out of fashion,
but I think it's gonna make a comeback.
It's the verruca sock.
[disgusted laughter]
- [Russell] Ugh. - [Liza] Wow.
They are the exact same Pantone shade as my skin.
So they're actually my pair.
[laughter]
I mean, they're absolutely repellent.
- Aren't they? - Yeah.
They're not flying off the shelves as they used to, which I find interesting.
Well, that's because the verruca actually became extinct in 1985.
[laughter]
Thank you. Who's next?
Do you wanna look at Tim's interesting footwear?
[Greg] Tim?
This keeps one part of your foot warm.
Ooh.
It's a big-toe bobble hat.
[laughter]
Wanna see the big-toe bobble hat?
I'll wager you knitted that yourself.
It was my mother.
[laughter]
- Is that your foot, Tim? - That is my foot.
That's a nice foot. I would say second toenail from the end, little long,
but apart from that, I'm really enjoying it.
- And how shy is your little toe? - Yeah.
[laughter]
He lets the big toe do the glamour work.
[laughter]
I really liked big toe-- and I really liked saying big-toe bobble hat.
- Yeah, me too. - Big-toe bobble hat.
It'd be a good exclamation.
Instead of saying, "Fucking hell."
"Big-toe bobble hat!"
Why don't we fight the urge to swear in this show, and...
Every time we wanna swear...
Why doesn't everyone not swear, but I will swear.
Oooh.
Oh, I'd love to hear you drop the C-bomb while I was big-toe bobble-hatting.
[laughter]
Crikey?
[laughter and applause]
Lovely. Liza?
Er, the whole idea of putting shoes on dogs.
Come on.
You're gonna be feeling things with your feet if you're a dog,
or certainly trying to.
Not with four silicone things shoved on them.
Four silicone pet dog boots from Liza. There they are.
- [audience] Awww. - [Alex] Interesting.
[Liza] Imagine, if you will, and I was imagining,
a champagne-coloured Chihuahua in them.
Tippity-tapping round like a bloody water boatman.
[laughter]
Of all the analogies.
- Well, you know what I mean. - Jesus Christ, I don't think...
I've heard "water boatman" since a 1981 science lesson.
What's happened? Have we gone back in a time machine?
To the land of verrucas and water boatmen?
Those were the good old days.
- They're a cracking pair of shoes. - [Liza] Thanks.
Can we see a dog in them, or...?
- [Alex] Well, I've got-- - [Greg] Oi!
[laughter]
[Greg] They're ridiculous shoes. Well done.
Russell, what's your interesting footwear?
Last year I was at the Liverpool Football Club awards ceremony,
and there was an auction where you could buy the footballers' boots.
And the footballer I liked the most was a man called Philippe Coutinho,
who's since left Liverpool.
- Big Coutinho fans in. - [laughter]
- [Alex] Here are the boots. - That is the real deal.
So did they just send you one?
They just sent me one, yeah.
It doesn't look like he plays for Liverpool,
it looks like he plays for Authenti City.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
OK, I am putting Alice's verruca sock in last place.
What?!
Is that your final decision?
I find verrucas slightly less interesting than football.
I'm putting Russell's football boots in, er, for two points.
[Alex] One to Alice, two to Russell.
I like humiliating dogs, and so three points to Liza.
- [Alex] OK. Wow. - Oh, now it's getting exciting, isn't it?
Between Asim and Tim?
Between someone who actually met a rapper...
And what sort of person would put big-toe bobble hat...?
You know what, I think Post Malone would love big-toe bobble hat.
So I'd say give it to Tim.
Very clever psychology.
- Very clever. - [laughter]
You see, a weak man would be influenced by your generosity
and think, "Oh, I should give it to you now,
when I was gonna give it to big-toe bobble hat."
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Big-toe bobble hat has been pushed into second place by your generosity.
One cowboy boot, one trainer.
He takes it. That's how easy this game is.
[applause]
Alright, little man. What task have we got lined up first?
It's, uh, it's a surprise.
- Ooh! - Ooh! Ready?
[Alex] Here we go.
[ragged breathing]
- Hi, Alex! - Oh, hello, Liza.
Hey, girl.
- Hello. - [Alex] Hello, Russell.
- How's it going? - [Alex] I'm feeling very happy today.
Oh, look at that!
Oh, look at that egg!
[she chuckles]
I've just had a coffee.
[laughter]
Do I just crack into this?
There we go.
Oh, it's so tiny!
"Put something genuinely surprising inside this chocolate egg."
"You have one hour, after which Alex will open your chocolate egg."
"Your time starts now."
Now then, I... Normally, there's something to read.
[laughter]
[Alex] So, Asim, I'm gonna actually go away.
OK.
[Alex] 'Cause obviously I've got to be surprised by it.
Yes, of course.
See you in an hour, mate.
I was like, "I could put a spider in it."
But I really hate spiders, so I'm like,
"How am I gonna catch a spider and then put a spider in it?"
"Without touching a spider or looking at a spider?"
So I'm just gonna go in the garden and see whether or not...
I can, using this system...
um, catch a bee.
[laughter]
Cut that up...
Wouldn't be nice that if you opened it, it played something?
Never mind Taskmaster. If I do this, it'll be television history.
Please, God. Please, please, please.
[applause]
When you want to try and find a bee, what's the first thing you do?
- Climb a tree? - Climb a tree.
[laughter]
OK. Shall we start with Alice Levine's attempt?
Oh, yeah!
OK. Here we go.
- That's it? - Mm-hm.
OK.
[Alex] "This egg contains the key to your fortune."
Wasn't expecting that.
Hmm, there he is.
I wasn't expecting this to be in it.
So, so far, so surprised?
Oh...
It says my personal identification number is...
[four beeps]
- Which is correct. - [she laughs]
It's also the code for my phone,
and when you go into my house, my burglar alarm.
- You look surprised. - I am quite surprised.
[laughter]
It was unsettling, Alice.
Well, I think that's a bonus emotion,
but I think surprise was the premier one.
I was quite surprised I said it out loud, as well, afterwards.
I was really surprised you said it out loud.
- Bye. - Bye.
[applause]
Two things, for those of you who were confused by the beeps,
Alex's personal identification number
- is 3-0-4-7. - [Alex] Beep. Beep!
[laughter]
There's very little left now.
Well, how surprised were you?
Well, I was surprised that you'd found out the number.
I was surprised that my wife, apparently, had given her the number.
[laughter]
I was surprised by the amount of money
that's come out of my account since.
So, yeah. I was, overall, surprised.
Hello, autocue. We have to take a short break now.
See you after that.
Well.
If it isn't little old part two time.
Remind us of what was happening in part one, please, Alex.
Of course. So, the ladies and mens have been trying to put something
genuinely surprising into a chocolate egg.
So far, I've been the victim of fraud, thanks to Alice Levine.
But we haven't seen Asim and Tim, have we?
- No. - No!
Asim and Tim. Here we go.
Alex? Your egg's ready, mate.
[Alex] Hello, Tim.
Hello.
[laughter]
Well, open up and I hope you're surprised.
Your hands are dirty.
Yeah, it's not been without problems, this.
- I'm gonna open the egg. - Go for it.
Any... advice?
Just be gentle with it, that's what I'd say.
- Open it up gently. - OK.
[they chuckle]
- There's a little worm in there. - Yeah, it's Jim.
- That is quite surprising. - Yeah, love a good worm.
But I really wanted to find a ladybird for you, mate.
Oh, that would've been a nice surprise.
I know. Imagine, it would've just fluttered up...
Mm-hm. But the worm just... sat there.
[buzzing]
[laughter and applause]
[he laughs] You're surprised?
It was surprising. What was his name?
Philip.
Well done, Philip! That was a good job.
[applause]
OK, Asim.
You were aiming for a ladybird.
Yeah.
In the order of enchanting creatures...
[laughter]
I always go butterfly...
ladybird...
worm.
[laughter]
Yeah, I mean, what I did there was a shit version
of what Tim... Tim did the real thing,
and he got a bee, which is amazing.
- [Greg] No, he didn't. - It was a fly.
- [laughter] - [Asim] Sorry, sorry.
Were you surprised by the worm? This is up to you, really.
I was intrigued by the worm.
Intrigued, not surprised.
Philip the fly.
He came out... and he turned to look at Alex.
- [laughter] - It's true.
- He turned! - He didn't, he didn't turn.
He did! He climbed out and he turned, like that.
He looked at Alex and went, "Surprise!"
[laughter]
It was almost as though I'd gone, "And beat, and go."
[laughter]
Excellent. Excellent.
The most enchanting thing for me was just how pleased you were
at the way that you and Philip had worked together.
And I think we've actually got a clip of them.
Yeah, at the moment just when Philip came out,
this is Tim's reaction.
[Tim giggles on loop]
[applause]
Giggly and girly. I love it.
How surprised were you? That's the question.
- OOH! - I was surprised.
Big but brief. Good.
[Alex] Who's next?
Next, it's Russ... Loward. Russ Loward.
Hello.
Hi, Russell.
- There it is. - That's the egg.
I think this is gonna evolve our friendship.
- Friendship? - Yeah, yeah.
- Start. - Yes.
Start.
- Here I go. - Mm-hm.
- Hmm? - Yeah.
OK, that's a little surprise.
A trip for two to watch Liverpool.
A week's holiday in a Spanish villa.
The book How Green Were the Nazis?
- Yep. - That is...
- I wasn't expecting that. - Nope.
- And a single grain of rice, signed. - Yeah, signed.
- By? - Chris Rock.
There it is.
What...?
That's the rice.
Yeah, but where's the signature?
Just there, see?
- So how do I get the others? - Chris Rock...
The trip for two to watch Liverpool is being sorted,
so the tickets will be with you.
Me and...?
Whoever you wanna take.
- You? - Er, yeah, I'll go with you.
You don't have to.
And the week's holiday, basically,
my mum and dad have got a villa in Spain.
It's only in July.
That's the only caveat.
- The holiday? - Yeah.
- OK. - [laughter]
[applause]
It's the only time that fit.
I don't know about how surprised you were,
but I'm surprised that Russell put a pro-Nazi book in your egg.
It's a surprising book. It's doesn't mean that I'm pro-Nazi.
I mean, I've got the look, but I'm...
[laughter]
And you and me went to a football game.
Yes, we did go.
And it was really exciting, because it isn't about Alex.
It's about his son, who had a surprising, wonderful day.
My son loved the game, but he found the book confusing.
- So it's really... - [laughter]
Well, you can see how surprised I was to be at Anfield
with Russell Howard and my son, wearing this outfit.
This is what I looked like.
[laughter]
It's great. Lots of lovely surprises.
- Are you gonna go to Spain? - You've got to go,
otherwise it's rude.
I've got to go, otherwise it's rude.
- Right. - Yeah.
- [Greg] OK. - Liza's one.
Liza's big egg surprise.
Alex? I'm ready!
[Alex] I'm ready, are you ready?
Yeah, really ready.
[Liza] Hi.
Hmm.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to be surprised by it.
Looks like a bomb.
[Liza] Sure, it might be.
Surprising, though.
[they laugh]
- I'm ready. - OK.
[laughter]
- Are you surprised by that? - I wasn't expecting it.
I wasn't expecting that at all.
- How d'you feel about that? - I haven't got a garage.
Haven't you?
I did, but I converted it into the spare room for my wife's parents.
I mean, we do still call it the garage.
That's where he is.
How long has he been there?
I don't know.
He's a dangerous man.
Thank you, Liza.
[applause]
I didn't see that coming.
Which bit?
[laughter]
Well, the recording, the contents of the recording,
and then the story to back up the recording,
that Jeremy Irons is still in my house.
He's a funny bloke, ain't he?
[laughter]
He's a weird lad. All that acting and now just all the hiding.
[laughter]
What's the least surprising thing that you saw?
I mean, I was genuinely freaked out when I saw my own PIN.
I... That's the honest truth.
Yeah.
And then the realisation it was the treachery of your actual wife.
Well, at first I thought, "My wife's gonna be so cross with me."
And then I thought, "Oh, I'm supposed to be cross with her."
"But if I get cross with her, she will get cross with me, so..."
- There was a lot... - [laughter]
She's lovely but strict.
Jesus, wait till she finds out that Jeremy Irons is in your garage.
[laughter]
- Congratulations. - Thank you very much.
Five fat points.
[applause]
Without doubt, second place, four points, Tim Vine.
Then these three... I would like to put these three
all in joint third with three points.
Let it be so, then!
[applause]
Scoreboard, please, Alex.
OK. The scoreboard, after that task...
Oh, it's tight!
Three points separating all five of them.
In the lead, it's Asim and Tim.
[gasps and applause]
Worth saying, Asim hasn't won an episode.
We're eight episodes in, so this is a chance.
[Greg] Let's see. What's next?
A task, and this one involves an extra entity.
Hello.
How lovely to see you.
Very nice to see you, too.
I'm Tim.
Nice to meet you. I'm Russell.
- I'm Carol. - Carol, nice to meet you.
[Alex] Hello, Alice.
Oh, hiya.
How are you, Carol?
I'm very well today, thank you.
Would you like that?
Yes.
Do you know what's in here?
No.
"Find out what you have in common with this person."
They could've put "Carol", couldn't they?
"You must look the person in the eye throughout the task..."
"...and shake hands every time you discover something you have in common."
"Most remarkable things in common wins."
"You have a maximum of ten minutes. Your time starts now."
Carol, we have much to learn about one another.
Yes, we have.
[applause]
So, most remarkable things that they have in common.
- Most remarkable things. - Most remarkable things.
For example, we both know someone who's met Princess Anne.
- We do. - Hmm.
You've met Princess Anne.
And I know myself.
[laughter]
OK, we'll have to leave Carol there for now and take a break, I think.
Return soon for the third part of Taskmaster and more Carol!
Hello.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, but instead of money,
the prize is a used verruca sock.
Alex, who are we going to see first
discovering interesting things about Carol?
- OK. - And themselves?
Yes. Well, first up, it's the two people who are just closest to Carol's age.
It's Tim and Liza.
[she laughs]
Um, what colour's your duvet?
It's a dusky pink.
Do you like people, generally?
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, I love them as well!
Have you got a double bed or a king-size bed?
- A double bed. - Right.
[laughter]
Do you like sewing?
- Oh, yes! - Oh, so do I.
Do you play any sport at all?
No, goodness gracious me.
Any games?
Um... Uno. We play a lot of Uno.
Oh, I've got Uno!
- I play Scrabble as well. - Scrabble, yes.
- Are you good at Scrabble? - Yes.
Yeah, me too. I'm quite good at Scrabble, yeah.
Have you ever drunk wine?
Oh, yes!
Have you ever drunk vodka?
No.
- Never? - No.
- Not even once? - Not even once, no.
Guinness?
No.
Have you got a ladder at home?
- Oh, yes. - Yes, me too.
Have you got an oven?
- Yes, I have. - So have I.
Are you something of a connoisseur?
Oh, no. Whatever Sainsbury's has on offer.
Well, we've all been there too, haven't we?
Hats off to you!
If you don't play sport now, did you play any sport when you were young?
Well, at school I used to play tennis very badly.
Ah, I play tennis quite badly.
Do you find that your second serve was part of the problem?
You sort of constantly put both serves in the net?
Both serves in the net, yes.
That's a very specific thing we have in common.
That was always a problem with me, that would send both serves into the net.
Do you think you're an old soul?
I think I may be, yes.
'Cause I know I am.
[Liza laughs]
Do you have a favourite colour?
Purple.
Purple's mine, even though I'm wearing red.
That's simply for colour.
[whistle blows]
[he laughs]
- Thank you. - Tim, thank you.
Whatever happens, it was a great joy
to discover that we had all those things in common.
Oh, absolutely.
[whistle blows]
[Alex] How long has purple been your favourite colour, Liza?
Quite some time, actually.
I pretend it's green. It isn't.
[Alex] Hmm. Purple, is it?
Will I be able to find some pictures of you wearing purple anywhere?
What kind of pictures?
[laughter]
[applause]
What sort of remarkable things were you hoping that
Carol and Liza would find out about themselves?
Well, I thought maybe more than ladders and ovens from Tim.
Let me put it to you, Tim.
What was the most remarkable thing that
you found that you and Carol had in common?
I think we were both in the film The Bridge on the River Kwai.
[laughter]
Of course, Liza, I'm gonna have to address the fact that you were
in my opinion, clearly lying about purple being your favourite colour.
Purple is my favourite colour.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Swear on your life.
What's the point of that?
[laughter]
[Greg] Good. Who's next?
Next to the table, Alice and Russell.
Carol, are you a human?
- I am a human. - Same here.
Carol, have you dyed your hair?
- Yes, I have. - So have I.
What do you do as your job?
I'm retired now, but I used to be a teacher.
What was your favourite subject to teach?
I just taught Home Economics.
- Oh, cooking? - Yes.
I love to cook.
I've written a cookbook, actually.
- Have you? - Yeah.
- Do you wear glasses? - Yes, I do wear glasses.
Same here, Carol.
When you get your eyes tested,
do they put cotton buds under the eyes and flip them up?
No.
They do with me. I thought that might be the thing we have in common.
But apparently, the reason I have it done is, direct quote,
"I've got fat eyelids."
- I've noticed. - OK.
Where do you like to go on holiday?
I prefer England.
- So do I. - Yes.
It's closer, isn't it?
It's much closer and much less hassle. I don't like fighting in airports.
Do you like earwax-removal videos?
[laughter]
I beg your pardon?
What it is, there's a video where you can watch, like, earwax removal
on the internet, and for whatever reason, it's unbelievably compelling.
No, I haven't yet, but it may be... Yes.
See, look at it.
- Oh, that's... Oh! - [audience groans]
That's alright, innit? Where do you stand on that?
- Oh, that's wonderful. Yes. - Yeah!
What star sign are you?
Cancer.
So am I.
What date is your birthday?
The eleventh of July.
Mine's the eighth of July.
- Near enough. - I'm gonna say same week.
- Yes, yes. - I'm gonna say that.
What's your death row meal?
Um, death row meal would be salmon...
- Really? - ...asparagus,
and new potatoes, please.
Wow, very... very light.
Yes.
Is your aim that hopefully that you'd defecate so wildly
when you're killed, that they'll have to deal with all these problems?
Wouldn't that be wonderful? Yes.
- Asparagus and sprouts. - Yes, yes.
- I mean, that's a bonanza. - Yes, yes.
Yes, yeah.
Same here, Carol, 'cause when I die I'd like to create a mess for them to clean up.
[whistle blows]
And do you have Cancerian traits?
I think I do, yes. The homemaker.
Yeah, what else are we if we're Cancerian?
What are the other kind of...
All-round lovely people.
Yeah, I'll shake on that. I'll absolutely shake on that.
[whistle blows] Thank you, Alice.
- There we are. - Thank you. Bye!
All-round lovely people.
Now, let's think of points here,
and let's think of remarkable that you and Carol discovered about each other.
- I'm coming on to you, you lunatic. - [Alice] We're twins, essentially.
Well, you did seem to get on genuinely very nicely.
I was a bit confused, because I thought that it was gonna be a bit like...
"The connection is, I'm your mum!"
I thought that was gonna be a thing that connected us.
Oh, I see. You thought we were gonna find out the surprising thing for you.
Yes.
So you went for a series of pretty straightforward questions...
[laughter]
But we do both really like going on holiday in the UK.
Oh, remarkable.
[laughter]
But I think the fact that you were born close to each other,
you know, that's a good example of a remarkable thing.
- Now... - Mm-hm.
Oh, God.
I mean, I have to reward ambition,
and to jump from polite chit-chat to...
"Do you wanna see someone hoofing earwax out of their ear?"
And she did!
And she didn't seem horrified by it.
No, she loved it. We had a handshake afterwards.
It actually made me gip, genuinely.
Well, it's awful, but I sensed there was a twinkle in her eyes,
and I was like, "I know this girl."
I mean, I'm beginning to that Carol's just a nice lady who'll agree to anything.
[laughter]
Finally, it's one of the most connected and personable people in the universe,
and we're gonna see her meeting Asim Chaudhry.
[laughter]
You are human?
- I am, yes. - Same.
You have teeth?
- I do have teeth. - Snap.
And hair?
- I have hair, yes. - I have loads of hair.
- Look at me, I'm covered in it. - Yes, yeah.
You have lips? Let's just do the whole body.
- Lips. - Yes.
- You have hands! - Absolutely, yes.
- Nails? - Yes.
OK, well, the private parts are different.
But we... We have private parts, though, don't we?
- Yes, yes! - There we go!
There we go, we have something in common with that.
Um, what's your actual job? I didn't even ask you.
I was a Home Economics teacher.
I actually taught in a primary school. Is it a primary school?
No, the secondaries.
- Oh, shit. - We both taught!
Well, I taught for a week.
I think that's quite remarkable.
- I think it is. - We both taught in a school.
Yes.
- Are you a dog or a cat person? - Dog.
Oh, you're a dog person. Shit, I'm a cat person.
What's your favourite item of clothing?
Do you like nice jackets? Shoes?
What's your favourite? What shoes are you wearing?
- Oh, I like your shoes! Trainers. - Well, I like shoes, yes.
- You like trainers? - Yes.
We both have funky trainers on.
There we are.
Look, I've got some funky kind of Nikes.
- Funky shoes! - Yes.
Have you won any awards?
Not that I can think of.
Um...
- I have. - What?
- [laughter] - I've won a BAFTA,
an RTS award.
I was just seeing if you've won any, then we could match.
You must've won an award.
- I... - [whistle blows]
[Alex] Thank you, Asim.
- Thank you. One more for luck. - Thank you.
Thank you. Bye!
[applause]
I was blown away the quickfire...
The trainers!
- The natural chat, the trainers. - Funky trainers.
They were fairly incidental things, but it was very relaxed.
You know what it's all about, like,
it doesn't matter how different you are.
Like, we were so... We were like polar opposites, me and her.
- Yeah. - But we got on.
And we found shit in common.
[Russell laughs]
That's what Carol was telling me earlier.
[Asim] Yeah!
- Just found some shit in common. - Shit in common, yeah.
She hadn't won a BAFTA.
She hasn't won a BAFTA, that was...
You really pushed that.
I just wanted to slip that in, to be fair.
[laughter]
OK, you've got to judge this.
No one's gonna get one point.
- Oh! - Oh.
'Cause I think that Carol made five lovely new friends here.
She just preferred some over others.
OK?
And my feeling is that two points, because
there was only remarkable thing that they shared,
is Tim and Alice.
Tim and Alice will get two points each.
[Alex] The tennis and the birthday?
- The tennis and the birthday. - OK. Two to Alice, two to Tim.
And then Liza will come in next,
because there was a lot of physical contact,
and some things in common, despite the fact
she was clearly lying about purple.
Two - he lead the witness like mad but he had ambition. Russell.
But there was just, to me, a special bond between Asim and Carol.
The shoes, the BAFTAs.
It'll never be broken, and therefore
I'm gonna give him all five points. To hell with it.
Asim Chaudhry, another five points!
[applause]
- Another. - OK, this one has a bit of everything,
by which I mean, children's games, shoes and art.
Hello.
[Alex] This your sort of thing, Russell?
Yeah.
See what that is.
"Wearing these high heels,
create the best dot-to-dot picture on this canvas."
"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
Fantastic.
[Alex] There are some number stickers behind you.
Right.
[Alex] So you're leaving it as just the dots and we'll complete it.
I'm gonna get rid of these.
Because I feel like they might damage the thing.
[Alex] Are you familiar with dot-to-dots?
Very.
[applause]
OK, who's first?
OK, we're gonna see Alice, Asim and Russell in high heels. Ready?
- Yes, please. - Here we go.
Ooh.
Hurt, innit?
They're actually really painful, so I gotta do this pretty quick.
Oh, this is gonna take a long time.
[foam squeaks]
- [laughter] - [foam popping]
Bang, bang, bang...
[Asim laughs]
How do women do this?
Just realised, this might look weird if you join it all together.
Eh, it'll be somewhat... what I wanted.
But also nothing that I wanted.
[Alex] Do you think he could work out what it is without drawing it?
- I think, probably. - [laughter]
[Alex] Hmm.
Yeah, I think he'll be fine.
[whistle blows]
[Alex] Thank you, Asim.
- Cheers, Alex. Thank you. - Great work.
See you.
[applause]
Do you wanna start with Asim's?
- Yes! - OK.
I'll show you the dots.
From the picture, you get a rough idea of what he was trying to do.
This is the picture before I've joined the dots.
[Alex] That is Asim's favourite emoji.
Yeah.
Which is, of course, the little man sticking his tongue out.
[Asim] Yeah, with a little wink.
- [Greg] Ahh. - You know that one? That...
- [Alice] Yeah. - [Greg] Oh, yeah?
- That's my favourite emoji. - OK, this is the emoji.
- [Alex] Is that big enough? - [Asim] Oh, come on!
- [laughter] - I'll make it bigger.
Oh, there we go.
No, that's not the exact one, 'cause he has the wink.
You think the problem is that it's not winking?
That's the problem.
[laughter]
If we go back to Asim's, I will now join Asim's dots.
- [Alex] As per the numbers. - [Greg] There we are.
[laughter]
It's a little bit Picasso, kind of, -esque.
Yeah, that's what Picasso did.
He took an image and then he made it unrecognisable.
[laughter]
Alice, I would say, I'm not entirely sure
you grasped the concept of join-the-dots.
Sure.
It's meant to be a mystery before you join the dots, but this is what she did.
Well, I didn't know it was supposed to be a mystery,
cos you can usually see their face on a dot-to-dot, so you kind of know...
No, the ones that have partially drawn-in faces are for really simple children.
[laughter]
I mean, it does work. I can join the dots now, and it...
It works, she numbered it correctly. There we go.
T... M.
I think, if you gave that dot-to-dot to a bored child in the back of the car,
afterwards, they would be more bored.
[laughter]
[Greg] OK, who's next?
So this is Russell's dots. Here we go.
- There we are. - There we are.
[Asim] Ohh.
[Alex] Now, there was a slight problem here. He didn't put any numbered stickers on.
Ohhh.
- So, for a child... - [Greg] Fairly vital.
They could have gone two ways.
Do you wanna go for my 6-year-old child or my 9-year-old child?
- Six, please. - OK. He struggled.
- OK. - He did...
[laughter]
- [Alice] It's a Power Ranger. - [Asim] It looks like a swan.
Well, that's... that's alright.
My 9-year-old did it as we presume you wanted it to be done.
[Alex] I guess. I mean, you said it was a picture of me.
[Russell] Yes.
It was that time you almost got totally cut in half
in your beekeeper's outfit, wasn't it?
[laughter]
Let's just get numbers out of it.
Let's just make it all about the art, the fun for the kids.
That sort of bullshit's gonna work on Carol, not on me, mate.
[laughter]
That is the penultimate part of the show finished.
One more part to go and it's going to be really nice.
See you there.
Hi there, and welcome back to Taskmaster, part four.
Yes, we've been watching people make dot-to-dot puzzles
by perforated polystyrene with high heels,
just like we all used to do when we were little children.
So far, we've had a picture of me, an emoji, and the letters T and M.
So, not great. Next...
It's the turn of the grown-ups.
Tim and Liza.
[Alex] Ooh, like your technique.
Thank you.
[she giggles]
What a ridiculous thing to be doing!
Right, come on.
Oh, that's a bit of a splodge.
Trousers coming down again.
[Alex] I think you might have created something quite powerful here.
[laughing] Yeah, I know, so...
I tell you what it is afterwards, don't I?
[Alex] Do you not think I'll be able to tell when I join the dots?
No, you won't get this.
[whistle blows]
Lovely. That's me, then.
[Alex] Thank you for your dot-to-dot picture.
- Thank you so much. - Goodbye.
[applause]
Which one do you wanna see first? Liza or Tim?
Tim's, please.
Good luck with this. This is pre- joining the dots.
[Greg] OK.
You can guess at this stage what you think it is.
[Greg] You'd better join them, following the numbers.
[Alex] Of course I'll follow the numbers.
- [Asim] Fish! - [Alex] It is aqua-related.
I think it's a sideways jellyfish, swimming freely through the ocean.
- Viewed from above... - Yeah?
...that is the bow of the Titanic on the bed of the ocean,
and debris around it.
[laughter and applause]
- [Asim] He's so weird. - [Alice] I'm into it.
Honestly, we've done several series of this show,
and I do not know what they're applauding.
[laughter]
I mean, I don't want to talk up my own art, but...
[laughter]
One of the feelings I get from it is...
[laughter]
...is the sense that you just, as the viewer,
you just want the camera to pull out and see some more,
because there's the whole sea bed...
It's a beautiful memorial,
represented by simple lines and numbers.
- There we are. - Haunting.
[laughter]
Let's see what Liza pulled out of the bag.
This is pre- joining of the dots.
OK.
[laughter]
I... I didn't give them all to my children.
Do you want me to, um...
[laughter]
Do you want me to join them?
I mean, do we actually need to?
[laughter]
[Alex] Here we go.
- [laughter] - [Asim] It's got the little...
- [Alex] There we go. - [laughter]
It's a hammer. Found on the Titanic.
[laughter]
The first cock and balls recorded is
in that place that got covered with...
Pompeii?
- Pompeii, yeah. - [Tim] Is that right?
So when the sailors used to get off the ship,
the phallus would actually point the way
to the local hotspot for the ladies.
[laughter]
It's very clever, though, Liza, because the way that you talk
because you've done some research into it,
it's easy to forget that, um...
you've just drawn a cock and balls.
[laughter]
I'm gonna show you all five of them, Greg.
Yes, please.
OK, and then you can judge them as you see fit.
There they are. Five triumphs.
[Greg] The most nonsensical, and that is saying something,
I must give Asim one point, I'm afraid.
[Alex] OK.
Alice, believe me, is so close,
with the most boring dot- to-dot picture of all time.
Followed by the old chopped-in-half beekeeper with three points.
[Alex] OK.
- [Greg] I would give... - [Alex] This is the big moment.
Well, I know which one I was more moved by.
Mm-hm?
But out of respect for the families of the dead,
I'm gonna put the cock and balls in second place
with four points.
[Alex] OK, so the winner is Mr Tim Vine with five points!
[cheers and applause]
Go on, then. What are the scores?
Well, with one final task to go, there are just five points
separating all five contenders.
Shut up!
Alice is down there on ten. Tim has 15 at the other end.
[Greg] Right. Love it.
[applause]
Asim, I think this might be the one, mate.
Yeah, come on. Don't say it.
Right. Stop sitting, start standing,
and please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
Here they are.
Good. Who's gonna read the task out, Alex?
Alice.
- There we go. - Alex.
- Alice. - Alex.
- Alice. - [laughter]
"Stick a plaster to the correct body part."
"Alex will say the names of three body parts."
"You must stick a plaster to the body part that comes second
in the dictionary out of the three body parts."
[Liza] What?
"Slowest person to stick a plaster to
the correct body part is eliminated."
- Thank you, Alice. - Thank you, Alex.
- Body part. - Body part.
So, for example, don't do it now, but if I said...
Mouth.
You'd put it on your mouth, Russell. You're quite right.
You're gonna be judging this, Greg.
Oh!
Here we go. Good luck, everyone.
[Alice] Good luck.
Oh, fucking...
[laughter]
And we have our first elimination.
[laughter]
Oh, second!
[laughter and applause]
Tim, you are eliminated.
- [Alex] Ready? - Yep.
Oh, fuck!
[laughter]
- [Greg] Heel, hair and ear. - [Alex] Heel, hair and ear.
[Alex] We have an elimination.
What?
Asim is eliminated.
This was Asim's chance.
Yeah, two steps back.
[Alex] OK.
[Tim] Once panic sets in, you can't...
Right, there's only three left, Greg.
- [Greg] Yeah. - [Alex] Good luck, everyone.
[Greg] Pressure's on.
[Greg] Oh!
Right, Greg. You have to judge who was the slowest there.
- Well, it was Alice. - It was Alice, yeah.
- [applause] - We have our two finalists!
[Alex] We have the final.
Russell's hyper-ventilating. We'd better crack on.
OK, this is the final. Are you ready, Greg?
- Yes, I'm ready. - Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.
- [Greg] Russell Howard! - [applause]
[Alex] Russell Howard was just quicker!
Right, we'll add those points to the total.
Please, come on down!
[applause]
How was that? I had high hopes for Asim.
- Well, yes. - I've got a bad feeling.
It was Asim's episode to lose, wasn't it, and he did that.
[laughter]
Five points to Russell Howard, of course.
[applause]
Series scores-wise, it's fairly tight at the top.
Liza is out in the lead on 157 points.
[they gasp]
Then it goes Tim on 146 and Russell on 143. That's the top three.
And there's only seven points separating
Alice and Asim... as well.
[laughter]
But in this episode, the final table looks like...
- ...this. - Here it comes.
We have a tie-break. Liza and Russell,
- both on 17 points. - [everyone gasps]
[applause]
This tie-break is a little texty.
All they had to do was receive a text message
as fast as physically possible.
"Your time starts now."
[she hums]
My cousin, Lewis.
[she hums]
Bit too long, isn't it?
[Alex] Are you still writing your text?
- Yeah. - OK.
My girlfriend is a doctor and you're not allowed to call her at work.
And I haven't really got any other friends!
Everyone's busy.
Oh, he'll be lollygagging around. Hang on.
Fuck. This is bad, eh?
- I've just sent another one out. - OK.
In case somebody else wants to text me.
[phone chimes]
Hello! There you go!
- It's from my mum. - Aww.
Text.
- Great. Thanks, Liza. - Thank you.
[applause]
Liza took 57 seconds to send a text.
[laughter]
Well, you wanna put a bit of background in it, don't you?
[laughter]
Russell received a text from his mum in three minutes and 51 seconds.
- [Greg] Right. - That is slow, eh?
Liza received a text in three minutes...
- fifty... - [Greg gasps]
...three.
[everyone gasps]
Russell wins!
Not bad!
Congratulations. Russell, go and claim your fancy footwear!
[applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that for poor old Asim Chaudhry,
Arm Mouth Zygote is a load of utter big-toe bobble hat.
And that tonight's wonderful winner is Mr Russell Howard!
Slap your hands silly and we'll see you next time. Goodbye!
[subtitles by tribbletown]