Hello!
Hello and hello all over again.
I'm Greg Davies and this Taskmaster.
It's our first ever episode nine,
so let's give that a huge round of applause!
[cheers and applause]
Well, it had better be good now,
and the responsibility lies entirely with the following contestants.
Alice Levine!
Asim Chaudhry!
Liza Tarbuck!
Russell Howard!
And Tim Vine!
[applause]
And here, fresh from a busy stock-taking
shift at my ball-bearing factory, it's...
[high-pitched] Little Alex Horne!
Little Alex Horne.
[cheers and applause]
I thought it'd be nice, tonight, 'cause it's show nine,
if I had a nickname, like a proper nickname.
Huh.
- I've got some options. - OK.
Nick. I wanna be called Nick.
- Nick-name. Yeah. - My Nick-name.
The Great Avenger, Magnus IV of Norway. Any of these.
Do you want me to come up with one?
Mrs Mouse. Yep, go on.
Well, as I've explained on many occasions,
I believe that there is no distinction in width
between your head and your neck.
And, therefore, I'm going to call you Plank Head.
[laughter]
[Alex] Plank Head. OK.
- Plank Head here. - [Greg] Plank Head!
Would you like an overall series scoreboard update?
I most certainly would.
There are two shows to go, and at this stage,
I will work from the bottom up.
We have Alice Levine on 118 points,
Asim on 125,
Russell on 143,
then we have Tim on 146,
and Liza on 157.
[audience] Wooo!
[applause]
We've got things to do, Alex.
We have, starting with the prize task, and today's prize task is
"Bring in the most pleasing thing the same size as a cat."
Whichever item you think ticks both these
categories best will receive five points.
At the end of the show, the person with the most points
will take home five cat- sized pleasing things.
Mm-mm! Lovely, Plank Head.
OK. Tim Vine, I'd love you to start.
Right, well, this is both pleasing and will get big marks from you, hopefully,
because it really is the same size as a cat.
Good.
It's my cat-skeleton toast rack.
[laughter]
[gasps and laughter]
Certainly looks like that cat passed away very peacefully, doesn't it?
He did, yeah. "I'm gonna be what?"
- But the thing is... - [laughter]
Hang on, have you got another cat in the house?
I've got a cat called Minton, and when he eats shuttlecocks,
I say, "Bad Minton!"
[laughter]
- [Greg] OK. Alright. - You're too much.
OK, you've blown your section.
- [laughter] - I was quite into the skeleton.
Russell, what have you brought in?
I've brought in a thing that I like to call...
a cat snack.
[whooshing noise]
[laughter]
[Greg] That is quite the effort.
It's got lovely nacho ears,
and he's got those lovely ribbons,
which is like he's drooling at how delicious it is.
Yeah.
Can I ask a question? Has it done a Fruittella shit or is that its tail?
[laughter]
[Greg] It's a lovely bit of kit. Who is next?
Well, it's Asim, who is the only contestant
yet to win an episode, so we're hoping for big things.
- Yeah. - [audience] Aww!
This was actually... It's my little sister. She's nine.
And this is her little cat pillow.
That's exactly the same size as a cat,
and it's very, very pleasing and pleasurable.
Hopefully to you, um, Papa G.
Umm...
I mean, it's just gone up one in the ratings,
just because he called me Papa G.
- OK. - [laughter]
I haven't seen this, but from your tone,
and how charming and smiling you're being...
My gut feeling, and I could be wrong,
- is this is gonna be shit. - [laughter]
- Wanna see it? - Yeah.
- [Greg] Yep. - [laughter]
Yep, as I suspected.
[laughter]
- [Asim] And it's cute... - And your sister clearly cherishes it,
because she loves it so much,
she didn't even wanna take the barcode off.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next?
Alice?
I've not been channelling the prizes to you enough, I don't think,
so I was like, "What will Greg want?"
And I think that we share a love of food.
So this is a cat-sized pavlova which I think you would go head-first into.
I mean, honest to God, I would just smash my face into it
without even seeing it.
So I just imagine your face nestled in amongst those strawberries,
pushing down into the cream,
- finally the meringue giving way. - I'm sorry, Alice. I'm sorry, listen...
You're... you're like Asim.
You talk a good game, but that's just a pavlova, isn't it?
[laughter]
Did you make that pavlova?
Um, well...
[laughter]
You've said quite enough.
[laughter]
Oh, sorry. I should have said, it's also a toast rack.
[Alice] Don't know if I made that clear.
Push it in. Push the toast in, job done.
- It's what you always say. - Thank you.
[laughter]
Liza?
You know when you get to a stage in your life
where you are suddenly quite interested in gut health?
[Greg] Yeah.
So one of the things the size of a cat
that is gonna give you a bagload of pleasure...
is, frankly, a massive, massive stool.
- Yeah. - Please let it be a bar stool.
- No. - [laughter]
- No, it's this stool. - Oh, God.
- Here it is. - [Liza] Come on.
[audience groans]
[Liza] Now, obviously that's not human, but it could be.
But you've got so much stuff left in your tummy
that if you actually did that,
I am defying you not to feel pleasure all day,
and perhaps a slight level of disbelief.
If I was carrying that around all day, Liza...
[Liza] You might be.
...I'm gonna feel jubilant when I get rid of it.
There you go.
- [Greg] Now, scores. - [Alex] OK.
- Pleasing. - OK?
Are you pleased by a big plate full of poo?
Yes, please?
- No, you're not. - OK.
- One point to Liza. - One point to Liza.
Asim, you're very lucky that it wasn't you getting one point.
Two points to you. Your cat is rubbish.
Alice, bringing a pavlova in.
Quite pleased.
I am gonna eat it later. Three points.
Russell, you were so close to getting the top spot,
but if you go to the trouble of hollowing out an animal,
you get the five points.
[Alex] Five points to Tim Vine. There we go.
[cheers and applause]
Right, we're gonna start with something much, much lighter. Ready?
- Yes, I am. - Here we go.
Hi, cheesecake.
[Alex] Hello, Alice.
Ooh. Bubble-wrapped.
Right, why is it in bubble wrap?
[Alex] Just in case.
- Hmmm. - [Alex] You like?
Trying to tempt me into popping it?
Just one more.
- [bubbles pop] - There we go.
That's satisfying, innit?
Have you ever had the one with the big bubbles?
[Alex] I'm not allowed it.
Oh, so good.
Oh.
OK, here we go.
"Make the biggest bubble and burst it with your nose."
"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
"Make the biggest bubble..."
So I don't have to have the bubble made with my nose?
I immediately thought of snot.
[laughter]
"Make the biggest bubble."
Right.
There was, like, an economic bubble, wasn't there?
I'm over-thinking it, aren't I?
I'm gonna get some Fairy Liquid.
[applause]
Well, look, I can't wait to see how big the bubbles were.
Burst...?
- Burst it with your nose. - Burst it with your nose.
We're gonna start with the Bubble Brothers...
as we call them. Asim and Tim.
[both] The Bubble Brothers.
[Asim] The Bubble Brothers. I like that.
I'm just gonna run to the tool shed and back.
[Alex] OK.
[he laughs]
I thought I'd lift it up and there'd be just a lovely film there,
and then I'd go like this...
Oh...
- [Alex] Two minutes. - Thank you.
Ugh!
Did I get that?
Fuck!
Son of a bitch.
Ah!
Ah, look! Look at that!
[audience] Yay!
[he laughs] Come on, you beauty!
[laughter]
Shit.
Oh, there's a big one! There's that one!
- See that one? - Yep, got it.
- Was that your nose? - No, that's...
[audience] Yay!
[whistle blows]
[he sighs]
Well...
- Cheers, guys. - Cheers, Asim.
[applause]
It was lovely seeing you both go back to childhood.
That's what I felt, watching two naughty boys.
But I'm afraid, just as it is with real children,
sickening violence is never far away.
For the first time in this show,
in all the episodes we've done,
Tim Vine swore during that.
[they gasp]
The worst thing that Tim Vine has said in nine episodes is, "Fiddlesticks."
[laughter]
Couldn't see it because people were gasping at the time,
but we have the replay of you... cursing at a bubble.
- Do you wanna hear him? - Yeah, go on.
OK. It's not nice.
You son of a bitch.
[gasps and laughter]
[Asim] Tim!
Very American, as well. "Son of a bitch!"
Oh, I've done it again now.
OK. Tim, using a megaphone, a colander and cling film...
A three-inch bubble diameter.
That's a twentieth of a Danny Devito.
[laughter]
That's how I think of it.
Asim's, his longest one was one that was in a bowl.
So it was sort of half a bubble, but it was four inches in diameter.
It's just a flat bubble, isn't it?
Does it say - and I'm only asking - what was the task again?
Blow the biggest bubble and pop it with your nose.
- Before the word "biggest"? - [Russell] He raises a good point.
- [Alex] "Blow the biggest bubble." - Blow. That just appeared.
[audience] Oooh.
I'm just checking it...
I'm officially out of the Bubble Brothers.
[laughter]
Ya son of a bitch!
[laughter and applause]
I don't want to win points, I want to win hearts.
[audience] Awww!
OK. I'm gonna give him the points now.
Here's the thing. Part one is complete.
Tick it off your big old list and get on with the rest of your life.
Until part two. Then come back.
Hello!
It's Taskmaster, it's the semi-final,
and it's Alex Horne's turn to speak!
I'm not ready, Greg. But I am now.
Our cast have been trying to create bubbles
and then burst them with their little noses.
Next, and we've grouped her all by herself, it's Alice Levine.
I know what you're gonna say, but I feel like this is
kind of like a bubble, 'cause it's just a ball of...
It's like a ball of air with a membrane, right?
A bubble?
Right?
[she puffs]
[Alex] Is that your bubble?
Yeah.
Just get a quick reading on it.
- It's half a metre. - It's quite good, right?
It's a 50-centimetre bubble.
Bag.
Bubble.
[laughter]
Oh, God!
[Alex] Have you burst the bubble with your nose?
Er, nearly.
I just need some pressure.
[laughter]
It's getting there.
It's not the dramatic moment I'd hoped for.
[laughter]
Yep, yep. It definitely popped it.
[Alex] Oh, look at that. We all heard it.
- Wow. Dramatic. - Oh, yeah. Down it goes.
[she laughs]
[applause]
It's a ball of air with a membrane, a bubble.
You happy with that definition?
Yes, there are lots of different types of bubbles.
Bubble wrap is plastic with air inside.
Yeah. So, tick.
The only thing I would question is, did you pop it?
It's onomatopoeia. Pop.
- Pop. - Pop.
Did you pop it?
When you think about...
[laughter]
I would say you pfffed it.
[laughter]
I feel like... [she sighs]
That's the noise it made.
[laughter and applause]
Big old bubble though, wasn't it?
Biggest bubble, third of a Devito. Half a metre.
[Greg whistles]
OK, well, Liza and Russell,
from just over there, are next to have a go.
Can you Google, "How do I make bubbles?"
I won't be long.
[Alex] Six cups of water into one container.
Yep.
[Alex] Then pour one cup of dish soap into the water,
measure one tablespoon of glycerine,
a quarter of a cup of corn syrup, and add it to the container.
- Stir the solution and... - Find a simpler one.
I'm not sure what the consistency needs to be.
Or have you got any chewing gum?
[Alex] There's always things in the kitchen.
Yeah, I'll have a look.
In the meantime, you start looking up "easy ways for making big bubbles."
I mean, you know where I'm going with this, don't you?
Found some chewing gum.
[Alex] Uh-huh. It says half a cup of washing-up liquid,
one and a half cups of water, gently stir it...
- Can you do me a favour? - I'm not sure.
Will you nip to the kitchen and do all that?
And I'll do this.
Here's what you asked for.
[laughter]
[Alex] Do you want me to measure that?
Wait...
[wet noises]
I love a bubble, don't you?
[audience gasps]
Measure that.
- Pardon? - Measure that!
- "Please?" - Please.
- It's gone. - It's fucking... 'cause you spent ages.
Well, you wouldn't say please.
Alright, measure that one now. Quickly. Please.
Four centimetres.
- Done. - 20 seconds.
Pffft...
God, you fucking...
Pffbt...
Pfffbbt...
Oh, fucking... Fuck it all.
[audience cheers]
- [Alex] OK? - I think that's it.
[whistle blows] That is it.
Thanks very much. I enjoyed that.
[cheers and applause]
That horrible gum-slug you were forcing out of your mouth...
Yeah.
I actually gagged watch you.
[Alice] It was stomach- churning, wasn't it?
It looked like he was giving birth to a baby swan.
- Yeah. - You know what I mean?
It was terrible.
It was. It was chewing gum, not bubble gum.
That was part of the problem, I think.
[laughter]
Fuckers.
But what sort of a person would just deliberately
leave chewing gum and not bubble gum around?
- So, it was... - [laughter]
Yeah, Russell got a four- centimetre bubble,
and he did pop it with his nose.
- Yep. - So that was good.
Well, it's not good, is it, mate? It was terrible.
Yes, sorry. So that was bad.
And Liza ended up being an eight-inch bubble.
That is officially a whopper. Eight inches.
The smallest bubble was Russell,
then it goes Tim, Asim, Liza, Alice.
But do you wanna say she popped it or not?
Was it popped or was it pfffed?
I think it'd be pretty mean-spirited if I didn't award her the five points,
so that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Oh, my!
Five points to Alice Levine!
[cheers and applause]
- Back in the game! - Yeah, back in the game.
[applause]
Hey, do you know what I want?
Yes, you want a scoreboard update.
I do.
OK, well, it's tight today.
There are three people tied in third place on five points.
The leader so far is Alice Levine on eight!
[cheers and applause]
Lovely. Whatever is next, Alex?
How about an all-singing, all-dancing Taskmaster spin-off?
[Greg] Ooh.
Oh, wow!
Hello.
Hi!
Hello.
Where's...? Oh, he's in there, isn't he?
- Alex? - [Alex] Yes?
Show yourself.
Not show your-- Just show your face.
[she laughs] Oh, you look like a pretty lovely little girl.
Yeah, that was like a royal birth.
[Asim] Do you wanna do the honours?
Hmm, OK.
"Perform a scene from Taskmaster: The Musical."
"Best scene wins."
"You have one hour. Your time starts now."
Sick.
- I hate musicals. - So do I. What's the point?
Just say it. Don't sing.
Dick.
We know it's raining.
- Any musical instruments in there? - [Alex] Yes.
Oh, there's some musical instruments in here!
Yeah? Alright.
[Asim] I think we need to have a sit.
Yes.
[applause]
I think we can all agree that the musical is a loathsome art form, can't we?
- Of course. - No, I like them.
When I say I like them...
♪ A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down ♪
Not if you're diabetic.
[laughter]
- No, I like musicals. - [Greg] Do you?
Yeah, I think they're sort of uplifting and weird.
[Greg] Oh.
I think they're sickening.
I can't truly be the friend of anyone who likes them.
So...
[laughter]
OK, we're gonna see the team of three first.
- Let's see it. - OK.
Hello. I'm Alex Horne.
♪ This is Taskmaster, tasks must be done ♪
♪ My first task is to find my son ♪
♪ Here I aaam ♪
♪ And the task is done ♪
♪ Now another task must be done ♪
♪ My first task is to find my mum ♪
♪ Here I aaam ♪
♪ The task is done ♪
♪ Taskmaster, lots to be done ♪
♪ Lots of tasks, lots of fuuun ♪
[applause]
Well, maybe I do like the musical.
It was really beautiful.
[Russell] Yeah.
I gotta say, like... Tim Vine, right, is a lovely man,
wonderful man, but he's fucking weird.
[laughter]
And this is very much a Tim Vine production.
I thought it was intriguing, but there wasn't much of a story.
There wasn't much of a narrative to it.
The son had lost his mum, the mum had lost the son,
and then, "Oh, here they are!"
There are Hollywood films with less plot.
- Sure, sure. - [laughter]
Time for a musical interlude now,
as in, an interlude from the musicals.
Join us again soon, when Alice and Russell take to the stage.
Part three of the Taskmaster series six semi-final,
and the end of the half-time interval from Taskmaster: The Musical.
Yes, before the break, we heard Asim, Liza and Tim's take
on the musical to end all musicals.
Now, finally, or second, it's Alice and Russell
with their moving excerpt from TM:TM.
A one, two, three, four...
♪ Taskmaster the musical ♪
♪ Taskmaster the musica-al ♪
♪ Happy people in the house, making us do weird shit ♪
♪ Is it any wonder that it's Dave's biggest hit? ♪
♪ Taskmaster the musica-a-al ♪
- ♪ All of the while ♪ - ♪ Oohh ♪
- ♪ There's a darkness to the show ♪ - ♪ Oo-ooh ♪
♪ Underlying sadness that you may not know ♪
♪ Alex loves Greg, can't get him out his head ♪
♪ So for one song only ♪
♪ Alex, it's over to you ♪
♪ I want a heartbreaking solo ♪
♪ What does Greg mean to you ♪
♪ Greg, Greg Davies ♪
♪ I genuinely wish I was your son ♪
[laughter]
♪ Taskmaster the musica-al ♪
Taskmaster!
[cheers and applause]
[he laughs]
Good. Well..
For the record, I would like it known
that I would've had to have had Alex when I was nine.
[laughter]
A powerful piece of work.
For two people who openly despise the art form,
that was pretty powerful.
I think we turned it into a science. I think we really did.
My bottom lip started to go when you got to the crux of the narrative.
And then, as far I can work out,
you introduced a character who'd been banging steroids...
[laughter]
...and was very angry.
Well, as soon as I put that tie on my head, I thought, "We're in, here."
And I felt I looked a bit like a sort of an Aryan Tupac.
[laughter]
Wow. That's the title of your next show sorted, isn't it?
- [laughter] - [Greg] Shall we score them?
There's normally five points available to be split between the teams.
[Greg] OK, they both had their merits.
The first group had a beautiful, beautiful melody.
♪ Taskmaster, tasks to be done ♪
♪ Taskmaster the musica-al ♪
[Russell sings hoarsely]
[laughter]
I think that the first three were converts of the musical theatre anyway,
and what I saw in the second group was a change.
I saw them embrace a different art form.
Subsequently, I will give Team Funk three points.
Three points to Alice and Russell.
[Greg] And the other team, still, a worthy two points.
[Alex] Two to Asim, Liza and Tim!
[applause]
- Next? - Yes, please.
OK, I've got a slightly different task for you now, Greg.
[shop bell rings]
- Hello, Tim. - Hello. How are you?
Good, thank you.
Oh!
Good heavens.
Throwing your money around, Alex.
Exciting, wasn't it?
Have I done it?
Catch the money?
Maybe.
"Make an outfit of things bought in this stationery shop."
"You have ten minutes and £50 to do your shopping,
then 20 minutes to make your outfit."
"Your time starts now." Thank you.
- [shop bell rings] - Hello. How are you?
- [staff] Good afternoon. - Hi.
I've got £50 to spend in here.
[applause]
Good, so... Everybody had to make an outfit from the money
that they were given in a stationery shop, right?
Tim Vine had to...
- [laughter] - Tim Vine had to make an outfit.
[laughter]
£50. We don't have the budget for everyone to do that sort of a task.
Naughty Taskmaster.
[Alex] The plan was, we knew Tim Vine would enjoy the task.
We knew that Tim Vine would make a pun at the end of the task.
[Alex] We want the four of you to watch the task
and write down on your white- boards beneath your seats
what pun you think Tim has gone for with his outfit.
You get a bonus point each if you get the pun right or close to right.
Tim, if no one gets it, you get two points.
OK? So watch the video, write down your pun, and then we'll see.
[Alex] How's it going, Tim?
Yeah, good, thank you.
Um...
You've gone for steam railways, Tim, is it?
That is, yeah. But you don't need to know any more than that.
So don't, uh...
Thank you very much, the two of you.
It's been very, very kind of you.
Oh! Sorry about that.
We're off.
Straight away, we've got the hat.
[he blows]
Look at that. Look.
Morning!
[laughter]
Oh, you're joking. I can't get that.
[he laughs] That's out of the equation.
[laughter]
Argh!
[cheers and applause]
[Greg] Very good.
So there is one line, there's a pun or a combination of words,
that explains what his outfit is.
Alice Levine, what do you think the outfit represented?
For a lovely, juicy extra point. Here it comes!
Ooh, I think it's something to do with pulling into the train station-ery.
- [Alex] Train station-ery. OK. - [Liza] Oh, good one. Good.
Asim?
I've gone for Tim Vine if he was, like, an action comic hero.
So I've gone for Stationary Man.
And also, like, train station.
Station-ary man.
Oh, you're nicking her pun as well?
Well, no, I did finish first, so...
[Greg] Liza?
D'you know that song, "Choo Choo Ch'Boogie"?
- [Alice laughs] - Choo, choo...
- [Greg] Yeah, I do. Love it. - Yeah, easy.
I don't think I got this entirely.
[Tim] There's every chance I said that.
- OK, Russell? - I went for "trainstationary" as well.
Did anyone get it right?
Was it pulling into the train station-ery?
Well, let's see, shall we?
- [Alex] Comfortable? - Yeah.
Tim, can I ask you...
[drum roll]
Is there any reason why you're covered in trains?
It's a tracksuit.
[everyone gasps]
[Alex] It's a tracksuit.
[applause]
- Very good, very good. - You're good. That was beautiful.
[applause]
Two lovely bonus points for you, Tim.
I'd like to see everybody participating in one more task, please, Alex.
Oh, yes. OK. So, this one is in the bag.
Hi! Hi, Alex!
Can I? Shall I...?
[Alex] Yes, please.
"Make this plastic bag as heavy as possible."
"You have ten minutes, at the end of which
this bag must unassisted on the scales for one further minute."
"Heaviest bag at the end of that minute wins."
"Your time starts now."
So, in other words...
Uh, right, OK...
Just that... [he sighs]
So it needs to be the heaviest and it needs to hang by itself.
That's just so hard.
Because it's gonna snap, it's gonna break!
[Alex] Might do.
[applause]
Why make the task difficult?
It's like I forgot what the game is.
OK, pretty straightforward. Let's have a look at it.
OK, we're gonna start by looking at two little men,
Asim and Russell.
- [Greg] Aww. - Here's how they got on.
Start off with a football. May as well.
Got a bag of rice. Thing is, I don't want this to split.
Got a crystal ball kind of thing.
[Alex] So a bag of rice and a crystal ball?
Yeah.
- [Alex] Classic Asim. - Yeah, of course.
Bit of trivia, and I know I get extra points for trivia...
I have video evidence that Greg has used
every one of the items I've put thus far
in, uh... in sex games.
This might be too much, but we're gonna...
That is heavy, that's the thing.
It's very heavy.
That's what happens if you mess with the dinner ladies.
That was a mad Sunday.
- What have you got, Asim? - [Asim grunts]
Got a lobster, got some books.
Flower pots.
- I think that's your lot. - [whistle blows]
[whistle blows]
[applause]
It's wonderful to see two well thought-out systems being used.
Opening with a football, that famously dense object
that takes up barely any space in a bag.
I mean, honestly, my perception is that I was just watching
two grown men putting just anything into a bag.
Yeah, that was our system, wasn't it?
Yeah, riveting.
I mean, Russell's added up to ten kilograms.
That's the same as two standard cats.
- Ooh. Steady! - Two cats in a bag.
[laughter]
Asim, half a dalmatian, 16 kilograms.
Two bricks, a lobster, some books, some flower pots,
and some cotton buds.
[laughter]
OK, run.
Run!
Run for your lives! The adverts are coming!
Good morning. It's a wonderful day.
It's the Taskmaster semi-final, and here's...
semi Alex Horne.
- [laughter] - Oh, I... I...
- Interesting, innit? - Yeah.
I sometimes wish...
I could distil you and pop you in a little bottle round my neck. So...
[laughter]
We were watching a task involving plastic bags before the break.
They've been trying to make them as heavy as possible without breaking the bag.
Asim and Russell have successfully shoved quite a bit of stuff in their bags.
Next up, it's Liza and Alice.
Cos it's so fragile, I feel like my best option is not heavy objects,
but maybe water?
I think it's the shed for me.
God, it's not even that heavy.
Yeah, I think I can get more water in there.
OK, we're off.
There's a hose round these parts, isn't there?
Well, this is costing me, time-wise...
[Liza shrieks]
Not sure how much of a difference this'll make.
Do you think I should go more?
- [Alex] You've got 20 seconds. - Oh, fine.
Oh, hello. He's a bit fierce, old hosey.
Ah, as I suspected.
Yeah, look at that.
They'd have found that very funny in 1971.
Oo-oh!
[she laughs]
[whistle blows]
Not bad at all. Happy with that.
- Do you wanna feel it? - [Alex] I'd love to.
Ooh, that's nice, that.
Ooh, yeah. Lovely.
- Well done. Goodbye. - Ta-ra.
[applause]
Two very different approaches.
Alice's was sort of...
You sort of made it a spa experience for yourself.
Yes, it was pleasing, wasn't it?
[Greg] It seemed to me like it was just,
- "Oh, isn't this...?" - Yes.
And I heard some members of the audience go,
"Oh, I wish I could cup that bag of water."
By stark contrast, Liza Tarbuck.
Get a bucket, smash it in, do a piss gag. Bam.
- Loved it. - [laughter]
Absolutely loved it.
[Alex] It paid dividends, too. It did pay dividends.
Alice, uh, 20.5 kilograms.
So that's two cats and 20 mice.
Liza, miraculous that the bag didn't completely break.
It was still hanging there at the end of the minute.
She'd left the hose in, so the weight was constant.
Half an octopus, 27 kilograms.
- Bosh! - [Alice] Look at that!
[Greg] Bosh!
[applause]
Tim Vine, then. A lot to beat. What can he do?
Here he goes.
Is a bag still a bag...
if you add gaffer tape to the handles?
- [Alex] Yes? - Thank you.
[laughter]
You dare split there. You dare split there!
Flip!
Where's the other hook?
Where's the hook?
Did you see where it went?
- What's that? - The... the hook.
[laughter]
[Alex] You might have to fashion your own hook.
Fashion my own hook.
COME ON, VINE!
FIND THAT FLIPPING HOOK!
Did it...? Was I...?
Did someone make me run the wrong way?
Where is it?!
I didn't put it in the bag.
I wouldn't put it... No one would do that, surely!
How long have I got?
[Alex] 40 seconds. That bag has got to be on that scales.
Flipping hook.
How long, please?
[Alex] 10 seconds.
[audience groans]
[whistle blows]
[Alex] What happened?
Well, I panicked about the hook.
- [laughter] - I lost the hook.
Seriously, where's the flipping hook?
Seriously, where's the hook?
[Alex] Well, you are... You're so close to it.
Is it on me?
Is it really?!
Oh, God. I didn't put it on me, did I?
- You're joking. - [laughter]
You have got to be...
How did it end up there?
[he laughs]
I didn't put it there, did I?
[applause]
That's like a magic trick. I still don't know how that happened.
[Greg] Well, I think we can answer that, can't we?
So this is exactly what happened, if you watch very closely.
[audience groans]
[applause]
I don't believe it, I mean...
Now, that was a task. That's five points there.
[laughter]
Fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes spent looking for it.
[laughter]
[laughing] Is that how long he took?
And did you know it was there all along?
Well, yeah, 'cause it was just...
[laughter]
I mean, it's incredible. It was like a one-man Last of the Summer Wine at times.
[laughter]
Last of the Summer Vine.
[groans and laughter]
[applause]
So, let's do it by weight.
Well, he did stuff the bag on there at the end,
so do you wanna give him a point?
Of course I want to give him a point.
Jesus Christ, I wanna take him home!
It's one of the best things I've ever seen in my life.
Well, weight-wise, then,
it goes Tim, then Russell, then Alice,
then Asim in second place,
but Liza Tarbuck got the most in the bag - 27 kilograms!
- [Greg] Boom! - [Alex] Five points.
[applause]
So what's happening with the numbers, please, Alex?
There are four points separating all five of them.
[Greg] Imagine. Lovely.
[applause]
Right, take your aching bodies off those chairs
and head to the stage for the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
Well, that clearly doesn't need explaining.
But would you get someone to explain it anyway, please?
How about Liza Tarbuck?
Oh, yes!
Phwoar.
"Pick up as many points as possible."
"The person holding the most points at the end of 100 seconds wins."
[Alex] Simple one.
So, I will only count the balls that are being held.
You can't put them within clothing.
You also can't just pick up the pool.
You must just handle balls.
All the balls have different points on them. Biggest have ten.
OK, your 100 seconds to pick up points starts...
[blows whistle]
[balls popping]
[audience cheers]
Popping, popping. Popping the points.
Different tactics.
A lot of popping. A lot of popping the points.
You've finished, have you, Liza?
I think I so, I can't be arsed going down any more.
Fair enough. Can't be arsed to pick up any more.
They must be off the ground.
Forty seconds!
[Tim] Am I allowed to go and get that one?
Can I retrieve that?
[Alex] Yes, you can retrieve that. Yeah, you can try.
That's worth ten.
It's off the ground, it's off the ground.
Fifteen seconds left!
[audience cheers]
You alright there, Alice?
OK, you've got six seconds!
You must stand still after-- Five, four, three, two...
One!
[blows whistle] Stop!
[cheers and applause]
I can confirm Russell's lower pink is off the ground.
[laughter]
Thank God.
[Greg] You would've thought that Russell had learnt his
lesson with the chewing gum, but clearly not.
Come back down and we'll add those to the final scores.
[applause]
Good?
It was good. I found it difficult to concentrate.
Um, there was something just...
Ah, oh... Argh!
What's that? Yeah, the...
[laughter]
Just got hooked.
[laughter]
- There it is. - It's just, uh...
[applause]
There it is.
- There it was, all the time. - All the time.
So, um, the scores...
Yes.
[Alex] Asim Chaudhry has never won an episode.
Picked up 48 points.
- [Alex] Yeah. - But, yeah, that's...
Oh, it's the lowest, yeah. It's the lowest.
- [laughter] - Yeah, it's the lowest.
[Alice] No!
Why would you do that to him?
He has to know.
You know how close he is to the edge.
[Alex] Yes.
Then we move up to Liza on 50 points.
Alice and Tim on 55.
- Russell picked up 68 points. - [they gasp]
[applause]
And all that means that Liza is now nine points clear in the series.
[Greg] OK.
She's got a strong lead but she's catchable.
There's one point separating Alice and Asim at the other end of the table,
but today's scoreboard, after an almighty tussle, looks like this.
The winner was...
Alice Levine!
- [Greg] Yes! - [Liza] Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
Alice Levine wins.
Go and claim your cat-sized turd, you lucky, lucky lady!
I don't want it this way!
[cheers and applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if you're looking for somewhere to hang your jacket,
then hang it on Tim Vine's jacket!
And of course, we should once again applaud tonight's fantastic winner,
Alice Levine!
[cheers and applause]
Mega congratulations to her.
Good night, everyone, and we'll see you next time for the final!
[subtitles by tribbletown]