Hello!
Hello.
And in case you didn't hear me, hello.
I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
Look at this. Just look at it, go on.
Give it a real good look.
Now stop looking at it.
And now have another look.
That is the kind of utopian future the winner of this series can expect.
Getting to do whatever they like, whenever they like, to my head.
So, let's keep this competition going
and meet the five rambunctious rivals.
Please welcome... James Acaster!
Jessica Knappett!
Kerry Godliman!
Phil Wang!
And Rhod Gilbert!
[applause]
And here, sat next to me,
it's my hypoallergenic fuzzball of an assistant.
♪ He says he's over six foot but he's five foot four ♪
♪ Little Alex Horne! ♪
[cheers and applause]
I wasn't expecting you to be wearing that.
I've no doubt you've got a hilarious reason.
It's the health and safety beard snood.
[Greg] Right.
And the rule... The rule you sent to me...
...through the post this time, was
when I'm preparing a meal, if my beard is more than two millimetres long,
I must wear the beard snood. So, uh...
On it... On it goes.
And you're preparing food now?
Always, mentally. Always thinking of your next meal.
[laughter]
It's comfortable, it's made of very soft cotton, so it's...
It's quite--
- [laughter] - Oh, that is...
That is gonna fucking hurt, isn't it?
It already-- It already hurts a bit.
It hurts a little bit on the ears.
[everyone gasps]
Thank you. Thank you, Greg.
Thank you. Thank you for that.
Very good. Let's crack on.
Thankfully, it's now time for the prize task,
and this week we've asked them to bring in...
the boldest belt.
Whoever's belt you select as the boldest
will buckle up with five satisfying points,
and at the end of the episode, the person with the most points
will take home all five belts
and vastly reduce the chances of their trousers falling down.
OK, Kerry. Kerry Godliman.
What belt have you brought in and why do you think it's the boldest belt?
I brought in a wrestling belt
because it's the boldest of belts.
I can't think of a bolder belt, off the top of my head.
And, um, it's gold. It's massive.
And to be a wrestler, you've gotta be pretty bold, haven't you?
[Greg] It's gold, is it?
Yeah.
[laughter]
It cost £24. £24.
£24? Is it plastic, the...?
No, it's gold.
Oh, it's actual gold.
And you think gold is bold, obviously.
Rhymes.
- [Greg] Yeah. - [laughter]
Bonus point.
James, what have you brought in?
Fizzy belts.
Fizzy belts?
Yeah, like you get in a tuck shop.
Visual, please!
[Alex] Fizzy rainbow belts.
[laughter and applause]
They're cheap. Cheap.
I went into the tuck shop, and I said,
"Gimme... £500 worth."
[laughter]
"Of your boldest belts."
And that's what they came up with.
When you see it now, do you think you might've been ripped off?
- [laughter] - [Rhod] Seeing it laid out like that.
No, they cost a lot. The yellow bits in there...
they're gold.
[laughter and applause]
Jess, what is the bold belt that you've brought in?
It's a seat belt... pillow.
- [Alex] A seat belt pillow. - You attach it to your seat belt.
[Alex] Here we go, this is the seat belt pillow.
[laughter]
[Jess] Right?
[Alex] That goes on the seat belt and you rest your head on his head.
Or you can just wear it, driving around.
I've got a review from Amazon of this one.
Oh, great.
"Takes really long time to arrive. Quite poor quality. Four stars."
[laughter]
[Alex] Genuine... Genuine review.
Is it a belt?
It's definitely a belt.
- [Greg] It's a belt? - [Jess] Yeah!
It's not. It has some attachments for you to put it onto a seat belt.
I'm not gonna lose this prize task on a technicality.
You 100% are going to lose this prize task.
[laughter]
Rhod Gilbert?
- I got a belt. - Is it bold?
Yes, let's have a look at it. It is bold.
[laughter and applause]
[applause]
That is a genuine stuffed goat's head...
that I wear to weddings in Wales.
[Greg] Jesus Christ.
Have you ever worn that belt, genuinely?
Genuinely, that's the belt I wear to weddings!
You'll see at the end of the show.
A genuine, live... Not live, dead.
- [laughter] - [Rhod] It's not live!
Phil?
Um, I have got a bold belt.
Um, I got it made, custom-made
- for this very purpose. - [Greg] Good.
Here's the belt.
So I got to pick out the belt strap and the buckle.
And this is how bold the belt was - when I asked for this combination,
the guy said, "Are you sure?"
[laughter]
- [Alex] Do you wanna see the guy? - [Phil] So that's him actually making it.
I wish I'd got the guy killing the goat now.
[laughter]
And I haggled with him for this. I haggled with him.
He said, "£50."
I said, "30."
He said, "50," and I said, "40."
So I paid £50...
[laughter]
...which I think you'll find is a nice, round, bold number.
Right, it's time to judge them.
OK. One point, James. Not a belt - sweets.
- What?! - [laughter]
Jess, two points and you're lucky. It's not a belt.
Argh!
Kerry, three points. It's tat.
[laughter]
But at the end of the day, if you go to the trouble
to having a live goat's head grafted onto your groin,
you're gonna get five points on this show.
Phil, four points. Rhod Gilbert, five points.
[cheers and applause]
Fair.
When you see it, it's amazing.
Belts. Tick!
Next task, please.
Yes, and we've got some fast fiction for you.
Hi, Alex.
Hello, Phil Wang.
- Hi, Alex Horne. - That's too close to me.
Ooh.
Hello, James.
"Right a ten-word story before you reach the finish line."
"You must be running while writing."
Must be.
Shoot!
"Fastest across the finish line with a proper story wins."
[Kerry] What do you mean, a proper story?
Gotta have a start, middle and end.
Quite... I feel quite anxious about this one.
Running and writing, writing a ten-word story.
- That's counting, running and writing. - Counting, running and writing.
[Alex] Could you read the last line of the task, please, Phil?
Yeah, just give me a second.
OK, "Fastest across the finish line with a proper story wins."
"Your time starts nnnnnn...!"
Pardon?
"Your time starts..."
[laughter]
"Your time starts now!"
[applause]
Um, let's get on with it.
OK, well, here's everyone having a bit of a jog
and a bit of a write.
[Alex] Phil, can you read the last line?
- "Your time starts now." - Thank you, Phil.
- How many words? - Ten, please.
I must be running, what...?
Um...
[nervous noises]
- Are you running? - Yes.
One, two, three, four. "There was a girl..."
"Partridge... ran..."
Three-part structure.
Introduction, conflict, resolution.
"She needed shoes!"
"And... found... its... mother!"
Nine, ten...
"Dead!"
Did it say write or tell a ten-word story?
All the information's on the task.
[laughter]
Finished?
I've just remembered it's supposed to be ten words.
OK, I've got a story.
[Alex] You alright, Rhod?
[applause]
- Now then. - Mm-hm.
It occurred to me that they didn't actually have to start running...
until they had their whole story in their head.
- It was only running while writing. - Right.
But they all just chose to get running...
- Oh, they all ran the whole time. - Yep.
[laughter]
Of course, Phil Wang didn't write anything.
Shall we start with Phil's story and then we can debate it?
Let's hear his story and then we'll decide whether he wrote it or not.
An ogre was hungry.
Ate...
Ate a child.
It was his.
Thank you, Phil. And you've definitely written that?
Well, "written," you know.
"Write a story," it doesn't literally mean write.
We say Homer "wrote" the Iliad.
But we also all understand that it was probably
passed down through oral tradition.
So you've used the oral tradition?
- Mm-hm! - OK, I'll let him know.
- OK, yeah. - Thank you, Phil.
- Alright. Thanks, guys. - Good story.
Oh, yeah. There was a pen and paper here.
- [laughter] - It was here!
[cheers and applause]
I also regret saying "oral tradition" while my dick was out.
[laughter]
So, the oral...
You're using the oral tradition of Homer's Iliad.
Yeah, I enjoyed that as an explanation.
I'm tempted to buy it.
- You know? - OK.
And I think the story was pretty powerful.
Beginning: ogre was hungry.
Middle: he fulfills that hunger.
Twist.
He's eaten his own child, which is an act of...?
H-happiness?
- [laughter] - I didn't know.
I didn't know you would come on to me.
[applause]
Well, that's enough of part one.
Good riddance, I say. Nasty piece of work.
See you in a few.
Hello!
I have missed you so much.
You'll be glad to know it's part two and it's story time.
It is! Next up, this is Jess reading her story.
[she clears throat]
The albino partridge
ran away
and found its mother
dead.
- That's it. - Thank you.
[applause]
It's a story!
It was a story.
Let's just drill down into some of the detail.
"The albino partridge ran away."
Why did it run away? Because its mother was missing?
No, because it had done some bad... shit.
[laughter]
I don't know, I haven't given it any background!
I only had ten words!
Yeah, and she was very fast as well.
She was 24 seconds.
[Greg] Ah, well, that's impressive.
- [Alex] It's a fast story. - My tactic was just take off.
Run away, like an albino partridge.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next?
We're gonna see a man with the body of a writer
and the mind of a runner. It's James Acaster.
The boy ran to France
and I loved that boy.
[laughter]
[applause]
[Jess] Oh, God!
[they giggle]
Good story.
Has he got a middle, though, technically?
Huh?
Beginning, middle and end. There's certainly a beginning.
- The boy ran to France. - [James] Yes.
Boy ran to France, and...
I loved that boy.
[laughter]
The boy ran to France. Now, that's a long way.
From Kettering.
He was Kettering-based?
Yes.
- I think that was implied. - Yeah, of course. Sorry.
- [Greg] Sorry. - [James] Yes.
I'm no story-writer. Go on.
So, when the boy started running,
other people started joining the boy, running,
- and he was inspiring people. - Like Forrest Gump?
- Oh, is that a thing? - [Greg] Yeah.
[laughter]
He's done a lot of things. He met the President.
The President of...?
- Kettering. - Kettering.
And, when we got to France,
I knew that, just like all the other people who followed him,
I loved that boy.
And, uh, then he married Jenny.
[laughter]
[Alex] OK? Happy?
Yeah, I couldn't be happier.
[Greg] Who's next?
It's Kerry Katona.
Kerry Godliman. Kerry Godliman?
- Godliman. - Godliman.
It's Kerry Godliman.
[laughter]
Right, OK.
There was a girl that needed shoes and got shoes.
- Thanks, Kerry. - Thank you.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
[laughter and applause]
I can see...
I realise it's shallow now.
Not necessarily.
[Kerry] It's about shoes.
There might be a profound reason as to why the girl wanted shoes.
Yeeeah.
[laughter]
She'd never had shoes her whole life.
Oh, because of money?
Money, yeah, yeah.
And, um, she needed shoes,
so there's your setup, there's your opening, that's your Act 1.
- And then what did I say? - [Greg] She got them.
- "And got shoes." - She got shoes.
- It turned out well. - [Greg] Yeah.
- Happy ending. - She needed the shoes.
She got the shoes.
- [Greg] So, the middle section... - No one had to die, no one ate a kid.
And then she found money!
She found some money in the street, like Willy Wonka.
She found the coin!
And she went, "I'm gonna go to Freeman, Hardy and Willis's."
And she deserved them, 'cause all the other children
who brought those shoe coins to the shoe shop didn't deserve them!
- Yeah! - One was spoiled.
One was fat!
One of them got their foot trapped in the measurer like that...
[laughter]
That'll teach 'em!
You've really run with that. You've run with my story.
I'm sorry, Kerry, but plagiarism is not cool.
[Kerry] No, I--
[laughter]
So, there's one more left to see, isn't there, Alex?
That's right, and last up to the starter's line,
it's the other Mr Gilbert.
- How long's that? - Ten minutes.
- And what? - Four seconds.
Count me.
Count you?
- Yes, the seconds. - Ten seconds.
- Yeah? - 11, 12...
Stop.
Can you not read it yourself?
No.
- You want me to read it? - [panting] Yeah.
[he groans]
Exhausted.
"The man ran...
for exactly ten minutes, 12 seconds,
losing."
- Ten words. - [laughter]
Thank you, Rhod.
[cheers and applause]
Some good counting.
[Greg] I mean, it's a work of art. In many ways.
There were many other entries.
"Once upon a time, there was an old woman who lived in a shoe."
That's 14 words and you gave up.
"Good King Wenceslas looked out, but no feast. What?"
Then you gave up.
[laughter]
And then you had, "The Taskmaster fell while trying to unzip his trousers."
- That's another attempt. - [laughter]
Nightly occurrence. Would've scored highly.
But, yeah, they were all abandoned in favour of the ten minute 12 one.
I think, in their own way, all of those stories were beautiful.
I want to hear the times and that's how we'll award the points. Let's party.
Jess, 24-second story.
Phil Wang, a two minute 16 story.
We know Rhod, of course, the ten minute 12 story.
20-second story by James Acaster. He leapt over the gate as well.
Kerry, much slower - 44 seconds.
So it goes: one point to Rhod, two to Phil, three to Kerry,
four to Jess, but five to James Acaster, who wins the task!
[cheers and applause]
I smell a scoreboard.
Yes, they all... have six points.
- [everyone gasps] - There we go. Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
Very good. Um, another.
OK, this is big news. It's our first team task of the series.
Here we go.
Hi!
Oooo!
What's all this?
- Welcome, Rhod. - Thank you.
Is that what Phil Wang's wearing for the whole series?
Phil, I mean... I'm trying to keep eye contact.
I'm desperately trying not to look at your genitals.
How are you?
- How are you? - I'm alright, how are you?
Have you looked at Wang's genitals?
- Well, you have now. - [Phil] D'you reckon?
No, I haven't looked at them. I'm trying not to, 'cause I...
Why are you trying not to?
- Because as soon as he approaches-- - You think that's the task?
- I think that might be the task. - Don't look at Wang's dick?
You both pick a card, please.
Don't show me it, or each other yet.
OK, Kerry, could you show me your card, please?
- Show you? - Yes, please.
The five. OK, Jess?
The nine. Right, that means you get this.
You wanna pop that on? Shall I take your...?
[she groans] Oh, shoes.
I've got to wear the blindfold?
Yes, please, and you two get to sit on those stools.
[Phil] Yes, we get a seat!
You gotta be joking.
- That's for you, Kerry. - Right.
- "Paint the best picture of this still life." - [James groans]
"The painter must remain blindfolded throughout."
[James laughs]
"The other person may not move from their chair...
and may only say the following words."
"You have ten minutes."
"Your time starts now."
OK, here is the still life.
OK.
That looks like you've emptied the contents of your underpants onto the table, Phil.
[laughter and applause]
Interesting difference in the greetings between the two teams.
A lovely hug from the ladies,
and you exclusively talked about Phil's dick.
[laughter]
I can honestly say I've never been so happy to put a blindfold on.
[laughter and applause]
Let's all have a little rest. See you in a few minutes.
Ah, hello!
Come in, sit down and shut up.
What were we doing before the break, please, Alex?
OK, this is the first ever boys versus girls team task.
Blindfolded painting, using only the official authorised words of
banana, down, left, less, more, pick, right, up and whoops.
Here we go.
Guys, you could grab my hand and literally make me paint it.
That's not against the rules.
- Riiight! - That is...
Banana!
[laughter]
Is this the still life?
Whoops! Whoops!
- Banana to that last question. - OK.
[Alex] Only those words, please, Kerry.
- Banana for yes. - Yes.
Banana.
- [laughter] - Banana, eggs.
- Banana. - Melon?
Banana.
Say "more" when I've got the right place.
More.
OK, I'm drawing a pineapple.
Down.
Pick! Up!
Fuck me.
[they laugh]
Banana, banana, banana.
Banana, banana, banana!
[Rhod] Banana, banana, banana, banana, banana, banana!
- More. - Less.
- More! - Less.
- More. - Less!
More, more. More.
Right?
Left, left, left.
Banana.
Melon time.
Ba-NA-na!
[Phil] Right, banana. Banana.
- [James] Here? - [Phil] Right.
- Hmm, whoops. - [Phil] Whoa.
[laughter]
Whoops right banana. Left banana.
Oh, you mean like that?
- Left banana. - [Phil laughs]
- How's that? - Banana.
- Yeah? - Banana!
[whistle blows]
More, more, more, more! More, more, more!
[both] More more more more!
[whistle blows]
Banana!
Banana whoops.
- Not bad. Not bad at all. - [Rhod] Not bad at all.
[applause]
The females don't look happy.
- I'm livid. - That's cheating, isn't it?
Why?
Holding the hands and doing it on their behalf.
Didn't say on the card. Didn't say anything about it.
That was not the intention of the task, was it, really?
I think you've gotta think outside the box on these things.
Very much so. Yeah.
Well, it's delicate, isn't it, because sometimes,
"Oh, think outside the box!"
Other times, "cheating."
- [laughter] - [Greg] Yeah, yeah.
- Wanna see the picture? - Yeah.
[laughter]
- [Greg] Wow. - [Alex] Yeah.
- Given they cheated, I expected more. - Yeah.
[Greg] The duck's good, mind.
[Kerry] Yeah, the duck's good, but the rest's crap.
- [laughter] - [Alex] Here's the girls'.
- [Jess] Wow. - [Kerry] It's good, innit?
[Rhod] Which one's the picture?
[laughter]
Wanna see them next to each other? You're gonna have to judge them.
- This is the two of them. - Yeah, I'm gonna judge them as well.
- [Greg] Oh, man. - [Alex] It's up to you, Greg.
[Jess] I think it's close, but one of the teams didn't cheat.
To be fair to the boys, look at the texture in that melon.
- [James] Yeah. - [Rhod] Yeah.
[Kerry] Look at the texture in our melon!
[Greg] Yours looks like spiralised courgette.
[laughter]
Alright, you've got to score it.
There's normally five points to split between the two teams.
Yeah. For me, the sheer detail in that duck...
[laughter]
- The sheer detail in that duck... - [Alex] You love that duck.
...snatches it, so I'm gonna give the boys three points and the ladies two.
Three to the boys, two to the girls!
[cheers and applause]
Not that much.
OK, fine. Thank you.
[Greg] More, please. More.
Up more, less, banana, up less banana, whoops!
Here we go.
- Hi. - [Alex] Oh, hello.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, what's happened?
I love these! Foghorns.
[imitates horn noise]
That's the sound of a party.
"Predict what Jessica Knappett..."
"...Kerry Godliman..."
"...Phil Wang..."
"...Rhod Gilbert..."
"...James Acaster will do with one of the objects,
then do something yourself with one of the objects."
"You also get five points if Rhod Gilbert..."
"...Phil Wang..."
"...Kerry Godliman..."
"...Jessica Knappett..."
"...James Acaster correctly predicts your own action."
What a good task.
Right.
[applause]
Firstly, we should definitely shine a light on your impression.
- Thank you. - Perhaps you'd like to do it live?
[imitates horn noise]
Very good.
[cheers and applause]
So the idea is, you wanna be predictable and good at predicting.
We're gonna start with Rhod and Jess making their prediction.
I know what James Acaster's gonna do. That's easy.
Acaster will take the tenner. He's skint.
[Alex] What do you think Kerry Godliman will do with one of these things?
I think she'll be like that - "Can I 'ave this?"
[laughter]
"Free money, brilliant!"
- That's what she'll do. - OK.
Outrageous. Outrageous.
[applause]
That was a terrible impression. I'm so sorry.
I think her impression of the horn is better than her impression of me.
I think so too.
You don't think that you sound like a drunk Phil Mitchell?
[laughter]
James, Rhod suggested that you're struggling a bit, financially.
Yeah, I spent 500 quid on fizzy belts.
[laughter]
- [Greg] Makes sense. - [Alex] Yeah?
Absolutely makes sense.
Alright, well, let's see if they got it right.
I think you already knew I was gonna do this one.
And I would hope that Rhod would also know that I'd do this.
[Alex] Why are you doing it?
- Huh? - Why are you doing it?
'Cause I'm punk.
[weak honk]
[laughter]
We had to wear these for that?
And I think I'll just take that tenner.
[Alex] OK.
- See you later, then. - Thanks, Kerry.
- Bye! - Bye.
- Well done. - So predictable.
Very predictable.
[applause]
So, for that, Jess and Kerry both gets five points for that.
And Kerry gets £10.
[laughter]
- You wanna see the rest? - Yep!
Yeah? OK, this is all the rest doing all the rest. Here we go.
All I've gotta do is get into Phil Wang's head...
and think about what he thinks of me.
I know he's a big fan.
Right.
Jess Knappett...
I mean, I think she'll just bite the apple.
Although...
surely everyone wants to do that?
[Alex] Are you changing your answer?
I feel like I am, because...
surely everybody wants to do that.
I'm just gonna do the noise myself.
- [imitates horn] - [laughter]
[DING!]
Come on, Phil. Come to me.
Come to me, Phil.
Wang reckons I'm gonna blow the air horn.
I think Rhod Gilbert...
being a proud Welshman...
is going to blow an air horn at a picture of the Queen,
while screaming.
Am I allowed to do it in your face?
[Alex] If you want.
[LOUD HONK]
[DING!]
Right, I reckon Phil...
would do this.
There's a mischievousness to him.
[Alex] Naughty boy?
Naughty boy.
Sounds a bit seedy, doesn't it, that?
Wang!
[BUZZER]
[laughter and applause]
Kerry had a tough job predicting that Phil would've done that.
[Greg] Yeah, of course. Of course she did.
Yeah.
And you're the only person who didn't
understand the importance of predictability.
Um, well, I presumed she knew I like saying my name.
- From time to time. - How would I know that?
Why would I know that?
Well, it's Wang, innit?
[laughter]
And a boy's gotta eat.
A naughty boy gotta eat and say Wang.
[Greg] Yeah.
- I didn't see that coming. - I don't see why everyone's
looking at me like I'm the weird one here.
[laughter]
What it means is they actually all get five points,
except for Jess, who gets ten, 'cause she was the only one
who predicted and was predicted correctly.
[cheers and applause]
- Let's have a look at the scoreboard. - The scoreboard?
With those ten points, obviously,
Jess has moved on to 18 points and she's taken the lead.
- [Greg] Wow. - [Alex] Here we go.
- [Jess imitates horn] - [Alex] She's catchable, though.
What's next, please, Alex?
OK, it's time for round one.
It's-- Sorry, it's time for a round one.
Ready?
- Hello, hello. - [Alex] Hello.
- Bonjour. - Hello, Rhod.
[Alex] Hello, James.
"Draw the biggest and best circle."
"Biggest and best circle wins."
"Your circle must be completed in one single sweep."
So I'm like a... You want me to be an enormous human compass.
[Alex] Hmm, OK.
"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
Right. We're gonna go outside.
You all coming?
Could I have some chalk?
- There's probably some in shed. - OK.
You haven't got a roll of paper? Wallpaper would be good, wouldn't it?
No. No, no. Haven't got any of that.
Well, I'm restricted by the limitations of what you've got.
Very much so.
[laughter and applause]
Be interesting to see if this is the first and only time you get angry
about having the things that you do
restricted by the format of this show.
No, I think I get angry quite a lot.
Yeah, you do.
- [laughter] - Let's see some stuff.
Alright, we'll start with two comedians
who've already shortened their names,
but I've made them even shorter.
It's Phi and Je. Phi and Je. Ready?
Will you mind if I mark straight onto your drive?
I think this'll be over quite quickly.
OK.
- Right, shall I go? - [Alex] Good luck.
God, it's so much harder than I thought it was gonna be.
Here we go.
Oh no!
[Alex] Bit of slack there.
Oh, sugar!
Oh, come on, mate!
Mmmm.
So, it turns out some rocks are better for drawing on than other rocks.
[laughter]
[Alex] It's a lovely straight line to finish it with.
I know! [she laughs]
I've lost pretty much all the colour.
How did that go so wrong?
Oof. Big circle.
Yeah!
Um, I think...
Where is it?
It was here.
[laughter and applause]
What happened then, Jess?
The rope came loose and that's where
the straight line began and the circle ended.
Yeah, but what you did do,
is you chose a writing implement that would make an actual mark.
[Jess] I did, yeah.
I feel like that was aimed at me.
What did you use?
Um, it was a marker pen.
[Greg and Alex] It was a highlighter.
- A highlight, sorry. - It was a highlighter, yeah.
I mean, the name "highlighter" promises more than it delivers.
[laughter]
It was very unfortunate that you cannot see my circle.
I tried to measure his, but Jess's was quite easy to measure,
'cause it had a length and breadth, which is unusual for a circle.
- Hers was 38.5 square metres. - [Greg] Lovely.
Another part comes to an end,
meaning it's time to wade through another slurry of miserable adverts.
But some belts will be won in part four, so it's not all bad.
It's part four!
What's been happening?
They've been drawing circles, Greg.
Well, they've been trying to draw circles.
We've seen Jess's, we couldn't see Phil's.
Next up, it's James A. Caster.
What does the A stand for? Nobody knows.
It's like Michael J. Fox or Jesus H. Christ. Ready?
- [laughter] - Here's his attempt.
I know what I'm gonna do.
[Alex] You know what you're gonna do?
I'm gonna cycle round in circles on the bike
while spinning this round my arm.
[Alex] OK, well, you've got one go at this. Good luck.
Yeah, good luck to you.
This is how you sweep a circle.
- You ready? - Yes?
[laughter]
- [Alex] You still doing it? - And look where I landed!
- In a circle. - Near a circle.
How many circles have been involved in this so far?
There's those wheels, already circular.
This was going in circles round me. That's a circle.
- I landed in the circle. - It's not "most circles."
Huh?
[Alex] "Biggest and best circle."
Yeah, but you add them all up, together.
- You should add 'em all up. - I'll add them all up.
And then that's... that's the task.
That was the real task.
OK. Thank you, James. I really enjoyed your circles.
- Thank you, Alex. - Goodbye.
[applause]
[laughter]
Good evening.
OK. Explain yourself.
I thought...
You thought, "I've been told I should draw the biggest circle..."
"But what I'm gonna do is ride around aimlessly on a bike,
whilst badly spinning a hula hoop."
"And then I'm gonna crash,
accidentally notice there's another circle on the floor,
and try and claim that as part of my attempt."
That's my reading of what I saw.
Have you got anything different to add?
My eyes are circles.
[laughter]
- [Alex] Do you wanna see the last two? - Yes, of course.
OK, here they are. By far the oldest people I've ever introduced...
from the current panel.
It's Rhod and Kerry.
Right.
Is there a map of the world here?
- Do you want me to see if I can find one? - Yeah, get a map of the world.
That'd be one idea.
[Kerry] I'm limited by the size of this table, aren't I?
I can only do it as big as what I've been given to work with.
[Alex] Do you want a bigger table?
I want a bigger piece of paper, if I'm honest.
This is just the same thing.
Argh, Jesus!
Now then, it's all gotta be done in one swoop, hasn't it?
- [Alex] Sweep. - Sweep.
[he exhales]
Done.
[he grunts]
Hmm, this isn't massive.
I wouldn't use the word "massive" to describe this.
[Alex] Hmm.
I mean, there's a massive white surface there,
but you didn't give me options.
I've just been given a pile of A4.
Oh!
- I can go outside! - You do whatever you want, Kerry.
I could draw a massive circle in the snow!
What was this about?
This is a total waste of time!
- You have six minutes. - Right.
Right, this is the longest thing I can find.
I just realised I could just make a bit of a bigger circle.
[laughter]
[Alex] Do you want me to bring your paper out?
- I don't need the paper now, do I? - Oh, sorry.
- We've established that. - OK.
- Ready? - Yes.
I'm over the moon with that!
No one's gonna beat that!
[she laughs]
[Kerry] That is perfect.
- [cheers and applause] - That is a good circle.
- That is a good circle.
Gotta be pleased with that. You being all smartarse with your map.
Kerry's circle is just wonderful. Wonderful.
Yeah, but no one else had snow to play with.
- Exactly. - Seems unfair.
Exactly, Greg.
I can't get penalised for the fact it was snowing.
Yes. You was cheating.
[laughter]
Technically, Rhod's without question the biggest, if we're kind.
It encompassed an area of 601,000 miles squared.
Not literally, though, eh?
Well, I looked at the--
No, 'cause it's a crappy map.
If I'd said, "Oh, I just walked across the West Indies--"
How-- How dare you even speak.
[laughter]
I mean, fair play. The balls of the man.
Do you want to start with the worst circle?
Unbelievably, I've got to give him a point.
I don't want to. I'm absolutely furious.
James found a circle and he can have a point for that.
Phil did draw a circle. We couldn't see it very well, sure.
But he did draw one. He used a good technique.
Now, Jess used a good technique.
It went wrong, but we could at least see it.
- I'm going to give her three points. - Three points to Jess.
- I enjoyed Rhod's creativity, - OK.
in creating the biggest circle, even though he didn't really.
- So I'll give you four points. - It was to scale.
And without question, the most beautifully drawn,
and the best circle of all gets five points. It was Kerry Godliman.
[Alex] Kerry Godliman wins the task!
- [cheers and applause] - [speech inaudible]
OK. For only the second time this series,
please will you make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
Alex, who's reading the task out?
Phil Wang.
"Make the highest tower of cans within your hoop."
"You have 100 seconds, during which you must also be within your hoop."
"If you step out of your hoop during the 100 seconds,
you will be disqualified."
"After the 100 seconds, you must step out of your hoop
and not touch your tower again."
"Highest self-supporting tower of cans within your hoop
ten seconds after the final whistle wins."
OK, and remember, if you step out of the hoop
during the construction of the tower, you'll be disqualified.
Everyone ready? 100 seconds starts... [blows whistle]
[Alex] That's quite a big tower.
Are you trying to reach them?
- Be careful of this bit. - Yeah.
Are you still in your hoop, Phil?
- I've not stepped out of it. - Are you sure?
I've not-- Alex!
Do you think that's gonna stay after the ten seconds?
[Alex] Yes, 20 seconds left.
[Jess] Oh, no!
- [Alex] Yeah, problems there. - [Jess] Yeah, we're down.
[Alex] It's tight. It's tight!
Four, three, two, one...
[blows whistle] Step out of your hoops!
[Greg] Step out of your hoops.
- [audience gasps] - Step out of your hoops!
- [Jess] His made mine fall!
- [Alex] Three, two, one... - [Jess] That made mine fall down.
[blows whistle] We have a winner.
[cheers and applause]
Come down and let's see how that's affected the final scores!
[cheers and applause]
Please cans you talk me through that last task, Alex?
I think that's really funny. Really funny.
OK, so James had a very tall tower until it was relevant.
And then down it went, so he came last. One point.
Jess's tumbled because...
Yeah, I had... Acaster aftershocks.
So two points to Jess, three points to Phil
who managed to stack three cans in 100 seconds.
[Greg] Oh, lovely.
But the two giants were Rhod and Kerry, and Kerry just pipped it.
- She gets five points! - [Greg] Lovely.
[cheers and applause]
Which means the leaderboard is quite exciting reading.
There's a tie at the top. The two ladies are tied on 23!
We can't leave it like that, can we?
- Uh, we've got a tiebreak. - Yeah?
The tiebreak is what number do I have written on my left forearm?
Closest answer wins.
- Seven. - Seven?
Uh... 1,666.
- [laughter] - Because of the fire?
Jess, do you really wanna go with that?
Yeah.
You've got a good chance of winning an episode here, mate.
[Greg] OK.
- We're going for seven... - 1,666 it is.
- The exact number is... - [Greg] Ooooh!
One!
- Five. - Oooh.
51.
Point. It's 28.51.
Which means Kerry Godliman wins the episode!
Oh!
[cheers and applause]
My lucky number.
Kerry Godliman wins the second episode in a row.
Please head up and belt up!
[cheers and applause]
[Kerry] I get the belts!
[applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that Taskmaster is a show of contrasts.
Ask Jessica Knappett to impersonate an air horn and she will delight you.
Ask James Acaster to draw a circle
and he'll make you want to smash his face in.
And once again, we've learnt that Kerry Godliman
is the winner of today's show.
Make your hands flat and then connect them noisily
for good old Kerry Godliman! Good night and goodbye!
[subtitles by tribbletown]