Hello and welcome.
You're watching a show called Taskmaster with a man called Greg Davies.
The battle for this tremendous trophy is really raging
as we enter the third instalment of the series,
and our competitors are here to proudly represent their homelands.
Hailing from such exotic kingdoms as Kettering,
Bradford, Carmarthen, Ealing, and of course,
- Stoke-on-Trent. - [scattered cheers]
So let's all give a red-hot welcome to our fearless five.
James Acaster!
Jessica Knappett!
Kerry Godliman!
Phil Wang!
And Rhod Gilbert!
[applause]
And here, balanced on top of a benevolent booster seat,
it's my pint-sized P.A.,
♪ Oooh, what does everyone in the street shout at him? ♪
♪ Little Alex Hooorne ♪
[cheers and applause]
What's in your pocket, Alex?
Well, I've come up with a game.
I've wanted to contribute to the format.
So I thought if I... If I come up with a task...
[laughter]
Maybe I can affect the show more.
So, um, this is a game called Stone, Paper... clip.
OK, so in my hand I've either got a stone or a paper clip.
- You wanna have a game? - Yeah.
- OK, it's a bit of a... - [laughter]
- Ready? - Um, yeah, OK. Stone?
- Yes! - Right.
- Do it again? - Yep.
OK. Don't look. Yep.
- Paper clip? - Yes!
[Alex] Again?
- Paper clip? - Yes!
You're good at this. Yep.
- Paper clip? - Yes.
[laughter]
[Alex] OK. Have a go?
- Stone? - Yes, very good!
Five nil.
[applause]
It's prize task time. Beep!
So, the prize category for this specific show
is best thing from the 90s.
Interesting.
So Greg Davies will decide who he thinks
has brought in the best thing from the 90s,
and gift that person five Taskmaster points.
At the end of the show, the winner won't take home any of the prizes.
Not.
[laughter]
The winner will, of course, take home all five best things from the 90s.
Phil Wang, what's the best thing you've brought in?
I was born in Stoke-on-Trent in January 1990,
so my best thing from the 90s is...
Yeah, it's me, Phil Wang.
[laughter and applause]
Did we make it clear that the prizes are to be kept
by the person who wins, permanently?
Some people might not want you for the rest of their lives.
Me, for one.
One. There's one, there.
Well, it's a good thing Rhod's not gonna win.
[gasps and laughter]
James, what have you brought in from 90s?
So, I love the 90s, 'cause they were the end of me being a toddler.
My toddler years were the worst years of my life.
People used to grab me by the arms and swing me around.
So I brought in a collage of "goodbye to my toddler years."
- [Greg] OK. - [James] Fuck off!
[laughter]
Is there any part of you...
that wants me to hold you upside down now
to make sure that you didn't have a good time back then?
You couldn't hold me upside down.
Yes, I could.
[audience gasps]
Hold him upside down! Hold him upside down!
[cheers and applause]
[James] How are you even doing this?
[Kerry] Yes!
[cheers and applause]
[James screaming]
I loved it!
[laughter]
That's cast a different light on all this, hasn't it?
- [Alex] Next? - [Greg] Jessica.
I've brought a book from the 90s.
OK.
Um, this man changed the course of cultural history.
It's Timmy Mallett.
[laughter and applause]
That's one of the only books I've ever read.
I'm sure he's a perfectly nice man,
but I found his televisual presence quite unsettling in the 90s.
Was it because he hosted a game show and he punished his contestants?
- No, I... - [laughter]
[laughter and applause]
It is a treasured possession. I can show you the...
- inside cover. - [Jess] Oh, no.
It was actually from 1989.
[audience gasps]
Ho ho ho ho!
[laughter]
You've instantly been disqualified.
NO!
- [Jess] Alex, that's your fault! - [Kerry] That's really harsh.
♪ Yoouuu're not wide awake! ♪
[laughter]
Rhod, what have you brought in
- from the 90s? - I can't believe it.
I found this little... gem, hiding.
[laughter and applause]
Oh, my God!
So is that from the 90s?
No, this is a photo from 2010.
- [Greg] Yeah. - [James laughs]
But I have a backup picture.
Here is a lovely picture of the Spice Girls.
[laughter and applause]
Kerry! Tell me yours is from the actual 90s.
- Mine is so firmly from the 90s. - Here it is.
- [Kerry] Friends. - [Alex] It's a whole box set. Solid.
I think it defines the whole decade.
Hey, I don't mind Friends.
And we could sit like this, like we sit like this, and this.
James isn't having it.
- I'm not getting involved. - Lean in, James!
Like this.
♪ Dun diddle dun-dun dun dun dun-dun ♪
- ♪ So no one told-- ♪ - [scattered clapping]
- Yes! Solid! - [laughter]
They're all quite shit, the prizes, aren't they?
[laughter]
- It's a weak round. - Very much so,
but at least some people are gonna get points
because they chose the right decade.
[laughter]
OK, let's get this over with. You ready?
Zero points, Jessica Knappett.
He brought in a picture of you from the year 2000!
I brought in the Spice Girls! I brought in the Spice Girls!
I haven't come to him yet.
- OK. - [laughter]
[both] One point... to Phil Wang.
Just 'cause I would quite like to take him home,
but that's a private thing.
[laughter]
- I'm gonna give five points... - Five points? OK.
...to the only person who brought an actual decent prize in.
And that's Kerry. Who doesn't like a box set of Friends?
- [Alex] OK, a solid start. - [applause]
Well done. Really happy for you. Well done, mate.
I found James's genuinely touching.
- Four points. - Second place to James Acaster.
[Alex] OK, four points.
And then there's Rhod, who did show a picture of the Spice Girls,
but unfortunately tainted it by adding a picture of me from 2010.
Therefore, neither image was from the 1990s. Nul points!
[applause]
I think Phil's been unlucky there. Why has Phil-- I mean, I agree,
But five, four, one, zero, zero?
Yeah, actually.
Alright, I'll bump you up from one point to three points
if you can genuinely swear to me, on the lives of all those dear to you,
that whoever wins the prize category can keep you in their house.
[laughter]
I knew what I was signing up for.
- Three points to Phil Wang. - OK.
[applause]
Good, let's crack on!
Can we have an actual proper task, please?
OK, first task. Here we go.
This looks like a scene from Saw.
Oh my goodness!
You're having your blood pressure monitored?
Yes.
I have no medical skills.
Good.
Oh, my God.
"Excite Alex."
[laughter]
Ho ho ho, God!
"Greatest increase from Alex's current heart rate wins."
- "You have 20 minutes." - [laughter]
"Your time starts now."
[Phil sighs]
This is gonna be fun, isn't it?
"Your time starts now."
OK, I'm just gonna... just gonna think about this for a minute.
Just quietly, alone. OK?
So I'm gonna...
- [laughter] - Just...
[laughter and applause]
Um, is this task...
Has it been phrased in a deliberately
- provocatively saucy way? - I don't know.
Whatever you were hoping to get out of it,
Rhod delivered early doors, didn't he?
- [Greg] What are we hoping to see? - We're measuring my pulse,
so it's the bottom number on that machine.
- Right. - It takes 30 seconds to read it.
And my starting rate was somewhere between 60 and 70 for all of them.
We're gonna start with the two young dudes, Phil and James.
Come with me?
Where are we going?
Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be exciting, would it?
So this is coffee. Black coffee.
I put four cubes of sugar.
It felt like five.
Five cubes of sugar.
Would you drink that, please, if you will, Alex?
Where are we going, James?
Just shout out "Alex Horne!"
Alex Horne!
- Shout at these guys. - Alex Horne!
Come on, babay.
63, still.
Right.
- [Phil grunting] - [laughter]
I actually don't think I'm gonna be able to excite you. It's quite--
WA-HA, BANANA!
[laughter]
- Still 63, James. - OK.
67. It's where we started.
You're it!
- You're it! - Oh, he's so quick!
You're it, Alex!
[James cackling]
- You're it. - Oh, you got me!
Come here, Alex! I'm gonna get you!
Oh, that was close.
Oh, that was a near miss.
His hat fell off.
- OK, so that was 61. - 61.
- That's 61, down, um... - Quite a lot.
- What was the compilation called? - "Near misses."
- Yeah, they missed every time. - They missed every time.
151.
That's good, innit?
- 151. - Better.
[applause]
How quickly was it between pouring him a cup of coffee
that you went for the time-served technique
of hitting a pan with a hammer?
[laughter]
To be fair to me, I did try nearly kicking him
in the face for about five minutes.
Yeah, yeah. No, I saw the karate stuff.
But I can't comment on that, 'cause all I can see is your genitalia.
[laughter]
A lot of what you did was relaxing. You gave me a hot drink.
That's what you do to relax, isn't it?
Yeah, at one point he reclined my chair. That was nice.
And then he showed me these clips of a Russian dash-cam
but it said "near misses", so I knew every time...
Yeah, everyone was OK.
How quickly into the video did realise that no one was gonna get hurt?
Oh, immediately. It was the most relaxing video I've ever seen.
My heart rate dropped by six
- in the... in the time. - [laughter]
James, what was your thinking
about getting Alex to shout his own name at passing traffic?
I thought about what would excite me in life.
And I would be excited to wave at cars and shout James Acaster.
You would?
What I discovered pretty quickly,
if you are trying to excite Alex,
best not go down the route of emotions.
And it was better to play tig with him in the garden
and get his heart rate up so that he was chasing me.
He's right. It's something I've never realised about you.
- You're a cold fish. - Not many of them, yeah.
Very efficient.
[laughter]
Well, we're glad that's over.
See you in part two for excited Horne action.
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Nice to see you all. Alex?
Are you looking forward to this part of the show?
Yes, I am. I am excited,
because the current task is to excite Alex Horne,
and I am Alex Horne.
Next up, from the Valleys, weighing in around 140 pounds, it's Rhod Gilbert.
Got a different idea.
- That's off as well, is it? - Yes, please.
They're all coming down.
Yeah, I'm trying to excite you.
Oh, it's quite tight, Rhod.
Well, there's no point in doing it loose, is there?
So, coffee. Guaranteed to get your heart rate up.
- I'm gonna go in this angle. - OK.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
How are you getting on?
[Rhod] Oh!
- 83. - That's not bad.
- It's not going in my mouth. - Oh, OK.
- OK, it's in. - OK.
[Rhod] Yeah, I've got a good line of sight now.
- I'm gonna go for a big hit now. - I'm ready.
How's that?
[they laugh]
I just wanted to finish the pot. I don't like waste.
[Rhod] How are we doing?
We're gonna get the final reading now, Rhod.
Let's get the final reading.
[Alex] 78.
Is that your final reading?
I think we've learnt a lot more about you than we have about me here.
We've learnt a bit about you.
[he laughs]
[laughter and applause]
Jesus Christ, what's wrong?
I'm-- I-- With these tasks, you just panic.
You just panic. It's blind panic.
It didn't look like blind panic.
It looked like fairly structured torture.
[laughter]
I'm sorry.
Well, did it raise your heart rate?
- By 11, yeah. - Only by 11?
I'd say it wasn't hot, it was lukewarm,
and it was coffee and hot chocolate,
- so it was basically a mocha. - OK.
And I like... I do like mochas.
Last to try to excite me are the two ladies,
Jessica Knappett and Kerry Godliman.
What do you find exciting?
It was quite exciting when my children were born.
Have you got video footage?
- Your wife might not want that. - No, didn't film that one.
You're in a shark cage.
You're being lowered into the water.
When you open your eyes, you're going to see a shark.
OH, NO!
- The cage is broken! - Oh.
You're-- You're-- The shark's coming into the cage
and it's eating you.
I could re-enact childbirth.
Not in a gynae way but in a sort of...
We could... we could roleplay.
66. It's gone up by 6.
Oh! We could get out of the chair.
[Jess] Out, in, up!
Does it feel secure?
Yes.
Keep going, keep going, keep going!
Argh!
Oh, I hit the post!
You excited?
Tired.
Keep going!
- 101! - 101.
- Let's go! - 101.
Ah, that's exciting.
Just gimme, um, a hundred burpees.
A hundred?
Oh, no.
Really high.
115!
157?
- Yeah. - Are you OK?
Well, no. Look.
Nearly tripled my heart rate.
I think you need to go to hospital.
Hospital. Why did that make you dribble when you said hospital?
Tackle me!
Oh, that's good.
I scored!
That was exciting, wasn't it?
[applause]
I do wanna make sure it's on record
that when Kerry offered to re-enact childbirth for Alex,
she followed the offer with, "Not in a gynae way."
Just to be clear.
Um, there's a very iconic scene in the film Kes,
where the P.E. teacher plays football with the kids,
but really, he wanted to show off his own skills.
- Well, OK. I see what you're saying. - [laughter]
I see what you're saying, but football really excites him,
so we played football to excite him.
No, listen, I know that was the starting point.
What I'm suggesting to you is,
you got carried away and you became goal-hungry.
There was a moment at the end where you went, "I scored!"
And I could see in your eyes, it didn't matter who else was there.
That was the least scary description of a shark attack...
of all time.
The shark tank had broken!
I think it's just your voice, Jess.
I don't think you're capable of describing something scary.
Of instilling fear?
Yeah.
You wanna bet?
Yep.
[laughter]
And yet, once you started doing burpees,
there was a sort of twisted sense of pleasure came across your face.
Well, it was a role reversal, wasn't it?
It was very pleasing.
Give us some statistics, then?
Well, Phil took me down, as we know, so is in last place.
Rhod took me up by 11, so is in second last.
My heart rate went up to 43 thanks to Kerry Godliman.
In second place, it's James, who took me up by 80,
but Jessica took my heart rate up by 97,
- so wins five points! - [Greg] Incredible!
[cheers and applause]
Yes! I'm happy now.
It feels like we should have a scoreboard update, right?
- Yes, it does. - Yes.
After two tasks, Rhod Gilbert has two points,
but there are two leaders, James and Kerry, both on eight points!
[cheers and applause]
Which task is up next?
- Here, have a look at this. Ready? - Oooh.
[cartoon boing noise]
Argh!
Hello.
What's this?
[Alex] What d'you think it is?
- Hello. - Hello.
- Task, innit? - Yep.
- Hello, James. - Eh.
"Make the best noise."
"When you are ready to make your noise,
you must say, 'This is my best noise.'"
"After you have made your noise,
you must remain still and silent for at least ten seconds."
"You have 20 minutes and one attempt."
"Your time starts now."
[man whoops in the distance]
That wasn't me.
Right, what noises do people like?
[applause]
Best noise, eh?
- Best noise. - Good. What noises do you like?
- Do you like this? - The rustling of--
WOOO!
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's up first?
We're gonna start with the outlaw, Jesse James.
Jess and James. Jess and James.
[muffled whooping noise]
[Jess] I've found some stuff.
[she chuckles]
I'm just gonna do a little practice.
No noise at all, that.
What if I filled this with water, and then...
hit 'em really hard with something?
Woo! WOO!
How am I gonna make this happen all at the same time?
Why don't-- Why don't you talk to me at the beginning of the tasks?
What?
- I always say, "Hello, James." - Yeah?
You never say hello back.
It's not in the task, is it?
[laughter]
The task isn't, "Say hello to Alex."
[audience] Aww.
It'd be nice, though.
This is my best noise!
WOO-oo-OO!
WOO-OO! Woo!
[faint strumming]
WOO-oo-OO!
OOO-OOO-OOO!
[imitates air horn]
[rings bike bell]
OK. Let's just do it now.
This is the best noise.
[hollow thud]
[laughter and applause]
Er, two quick questions.
Why were you wearing a hat? Why were you on a bike?
[laughter]
Um, the answer to that is,
I don't know and I don't fucking know.
One could argue that that was a series of noises, could one not?
Yeah, it was an elongated noise.
It had components.
And they were connected by...?
The same person doing them.
Oooh. Oh, yeah. I'm the fool.
James. Dear, dear, dear God.
[laughter]
In my head, that was gonna sound so incredible.
I thought, this is gonna be that satisfying
squelchy boing on the galoshes,
- the ding of a bell... - Ding of the bell.
The resonance of the acoustic guitar...
and it just sounded like... I may as well have stamped on the floor.
- [Greg] Yeah. - [laughter]
OK, time for a commercial break. See you.
Hello! It's Taskmaster part three,
and everyone is playing for the chance to win Phil Wang,
including Phil Wang.
What did we hear before the break, Alex?
We heard some lovely noises, Greg.
We're going to see Rhod next.
You don't need to.
Did Rhod have the same idea as Jess?
We don't need to see all of them, Alex.
Come on, let's see what the bellend's done.
- [Alex] OK. - [laughter]
I need some things, Alex.
I need a very tall ladder.
And a picture...
of Greg.
The Taskmaster.
This is my best noise.
[hollow thud]
[laughter and applause]
Good girl.
[laughter]
You know I give the points out on this show, don't you?
It was to make the best noise that you can,
and your instant reaction was,
"Great, this is an opportunity for me to drop dog shit
onto the face of a friend I've had for 15 years."
That's it, is it? This is how it ends.
I didn't even panic.
[laughter and applause]
Well, you're a very rude prick.
[laughter]
Alex, who's next?
Last up, from Location, Location, Location,
Kirstie and Phil. Kerry and Phil.
Ker-- Yes. Here we go.
OK, and...
this is my best noise.
Thp thp thp thp thp thp thp...
[laughter]
I'm gonna do the best noise from my mouth.
Pfffbbt!
Those are pleasing, aren't they?
Fart noises always bring a bit of pleasure.
Pfffbbt.
Ffffffbbt.
Pff... pff... ffpppt...
If I did an actual fart, would that be pushing it too...?
I don't know if I could control it.
...thp thp thp thp thp thp thp...
Right. This is my best noise.
[echoing fart noise]
[laughter]
[applause]
I'm gonna win this.
- Oh, you're definitely not. - [Rhod] I am!
[laughter]
The fart noise is a classic, but I very much enjoyed your presentation.
Thank you. It's all in the presentation.
Phil... I mean, Jesus Christ, I feel...
I'm sorry I didn't shit on your face, Greg.
[laughter]
I don't think that's the first time you've made that noise.
I make that noise every day. It's how I wake up.
- So, I'm sleeping... - [Greg] So you're fully asleep now.
Oh, the sun's coming through the curtains now...
Thp thp thp thp thp thp thp thp...
Ahh!
[laughter and applause]
Do you wanna hear the noises in isolation?
I do, 'cause then I can judge which is the best noise.
OK, here's the first noise.
[hollow thud]
Second noise.
[echoing fart noise]
Third noise.
WOO-oo-OO!
OO-OO-OO!
[air horn noise]
Fourth noise, Greg.
[dull thud]
And the final noise.
Thp thp thp thp thp thp thp thp...
There they all are. The five best noises in the world.
[Greg] My least favourite noise...
No, no, no. Come on. No, no no.
My least favourite noise was the sound
of dog shit being dropped onto my face.
I'm sorry. One point.
- [Alex] One point to Rhod? - Oh, come on!
And to James Acaster, you thank your lucky stars, young man,
that you didn't drop poo on my face.
- He can have two points. - Yes.
It is a tight-run thing, but it's Kerry with three points.
- Third place? - Correct.
[Alex] Second place?
I'm giving it the person who I'm genuinely worried about,
Jessica, and therefore the winner, against all odds,
- is Phil Wang! - [Alex] Five points to Phil Wang.
- [applause] - Iconic. Iconic.
We have time for another one, don't we?
We do. It's a lovely little tournament I've labelled the Task Masters.
- Hmm. - OK?
Hiya!
- [Alex] Hello, Jess. - Hello!
- [Alex] Hello, Rhod. - Hiya.
[Alex] Hi, James.
[laughter]
[he clears throat]
"Get this ball in that hole..."
"...in as few strokes as possible."
"The ball must only be struck."
"The ball must never be carried."
"You have a maximum of 20 minutes."
"Your time starts now." What hole?
What hole?
[James] Where's the hole?
Oh, that hole.
[applause]
So, this is Taskmaster, of course,
so they're not just gonna whack the ball,
they're gonna think about it for a while.
[Alex] The time's not important, it's worth saying.
It's the fewest possible shots.
They can take their time,
- set it up however they want. - However you want.
We're gonna see James and Kerry first.
[laughter]
Not bad!
Oh, I broke the egg cup-- Oh, no!
Nearly went under the caravan.
[Alex] One shot so far.
Oh, fuck you.
[Alex] It's a bit further away from the hole now, James.
Yeah.
Three!
Four!
[laughter]
[Alex] Four?
Five.
Six.
Seven!
Croquet mallet. Seven shots.
- Bosh. - Bosh.
Well, thank you. Very quick.
Thanks.
[frustrated laugh]
- [audience cheers] - Yes!
[applause]
That's a side we've not seen of you before. Blind rage.
I was absolutely furious.
- Well, you broke a camera. - Yep. Broke it.
[Greg] How do you feel about that?
Pretty good, actually. At the time.
Kerry, when you completed the task, you said, "Bosh."
[Kerry] Yes.
And I'm increasingly thinking that's your approach to this whole game.
Yes.
Get in. Do the job. Bosh!
They're very straightforward tasks.
Get the ball in the hole. Bang.
Are you like that at home?
Yes!
Yeah? "What d'you want? Dinner, kids? Bosh!"
"There it is. Beans. Eat."
"Right. Bed."
[Greg] Let's see some others.
OK, do you wanna see...
Oh, I've made a... a joke.
Do you want to see Nick Phildo and Jessica Tappit?
They're golf jokes.
- Fucking hell. - No?
Right, OK. OK.
- [Alex] Have you struck it yet? - No, I haven't struck it yet.
[audience gasps]
- That's alright, innit? - [Alex] One.
Right, OK.
Come on.
Two shots.
OK. Oh...
Ugh, why did I put the broom end there?
[Alex] Three.
Dunno why I didn't just do this the whole way down.
Oh my God!
You missed the... You missed the tunnel.
Eeeeee...!
- [Alex] Seven. - OK.
[Alex] You're on the green.
No, d'you know what? This is fine now.
Heyyy!
[applause]
Done.
[Alex] Eight.
- Oh, that is unfortunate. - [laughter]
[Alex] Nine. You're off the green.
[Jess] God!
Oh, God!
Thank you!
[applause]
I put it to you, Jessica,
once you started using construction techniques,
those actively hampered you.
Yeah, I complicated it.
- Phil's weren't a lot better. - Oh, come on.
They at least guided the ball towards the hole, instead of blocked it.
On one occasion, they guided the ball towards the end of a broom.
You created your own barrier.
Yeah, in retrospect, I should've turned the broom the other way around.
It's the fourth and final part of the show next.
Will Wang win, I wonder?
Find out very soon. You see if we don't.
Hi and welcome back to the last part of Taskmaster,
and the Task Masters.
Yes, Greg, they're trying to get a ball into a hole.
It's a little bit like golf but it's definitely not golf.
One man left to see. He's flying solo again.
It's Rhod Gilbert again. Here we go.
Just gonna investigate the hole...
'cause it doesn't say anything about me walking on here.
Doesn't say anything about me moving the hole.
So, technically, that hole... is...
movable.
- [laughter] - Oh my God!
I mean, this...
People say my ADHD makes me shit at problem-solving...
No, sir!
Oh, God, look at that! It's a better hole than the original hole!
[Alex] Have you got all the hole?
Not quite.
I'm certainly gonna get all the hole.
- [Alex] You're getting the whole hole. - That's the whole hole.
Is that not the hole in the middle of that hole?
- No. - What's that hole?
Ah, that's a different one.
- OK. - OK?
Oh, dragging a hole is a lot harder than it looks!
[Alex] Oh, there it is.
There it is.
[Alex] Good luck.
That... is what you call a hole in one.
[cheers and applause]
Well, as loath as I am to admit it...
Fairly impressive.
Thank you very much. It's not like I need the points.
Oh, oh, Jesus, you do. Yeah.
It was nice to see something different than just whacking it, wasn't it?
Tell us how they all did, because it's a strikes-based system.
Jess took the most strikes, so gets the fewest points. One.
- Thank you. - [Alex] OK?
Kerry, seven strokes, two points.
James, six strokes, three points.
[Greg] Bosh.
Phil, five strokes, four points.
Rhod, one stroke.
It's too impressive not to give him the full marks.
Five points for Rhod. That's the end of it.
[cheers and applause]
Can we quickly see the scoreboard before the final task, please?
Joint leaders, all on 13 points: James, Kerry and Phil.
[cheers and applause]
OK, up you go to the stage for the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
Alex, who will read the task out?
Rhod will read the first part of the task out.
[audience] Oooo.
Bloody hell.
"Write down a ten-word fact."
"You have 100 seconds. There is a bonus point for the best fact."
That's the first part of the task. You've got 100 seconds.
Starting... [blows whistle]
[Alex] I don't know if you can cheer on people writing facts.
[laughter and cheers]
Get in there!
Do all ten words!
[blows whistle] OK, they've written their facts.
[applause]
You are a very generous audience.
- [Alex] So, here we go... - [Kerry groans]
The second half of the task.
"Mouth your fact to the Taskmaster without making any noise whatsoever."
"Most words understood by the Taskmaster wins."
OK, we're gonna start with Kerry Godliman.
I'm there, Kerry.
[Rhod] Oh, keep it down.
- Getting it loud and clear over here. - This is sabotage.
[Greg] Ready.
OK. What is Kerry's fact, Greg?
"I was born in Perivale in London, UK, Europe, Earth."
"I was born in Perivale, Ealing, London, UK, Europe, Earth."
It's not bad, not bad!
- Wow, that was amazing! - [applause]
OK, you can sit down. You can sit down.
James, please take your place on the spot and mouth your fact.
[he laughs]
Didn't know I was gonna have to mouth this when I wrote it.
What is the fact, Greg?
Well, I've had to invent a word.
Um, the second word, I think, is "youbats."
[laughter]
"Only youbats and armadillos...
can catch the awful disease, leprosy."
It's everything right except for youbats!
- [applause] - Oh, humans.
Nine. You may have a seat. Nine.
Arguably, I could have used common sense for humans.
Who's next?
Phil is up next. Up you pop, Phil.
[laughter]
- Ugh! - Oooo.
Tongue...
Greg, what is Phil Wang's fact?
"Phil Wang's tool sacks, 12 blush majesty two."
[laughter and applause]
Can I tell what it...?
[Alex] Yeah, what is your fact, Phil?
My fact was, "Phil Wang's shoe size is 12."
And realised I had four words left.
"Plus two minus two."
Oh. Close, wasn't it?
Penultimately, it's you, Jessica Knappet.
Yeah.
- Very nice. Very nice. - Thank you.
- Ready? - Let's just do it, Greg!
"Did you know that ants live to an average of 22 years?"
He's chucked in two extra words but he's got it exactly right!
Yes!
- [cheers and applause] - Well done! Good fact.
The final contestant is Rhod Gilbert.
- Up you come, Rhod. - [Rhod growls]
Let's go.
I am trying, but... it is worse than Phil.
And Phil looked like he was having a stroke.
I'm really bad at this.
You've got a very strong accent. That's the problem.
[laughter and applause]
OK.
Here's what I've got, and I genuinely have tried to get this right.
"Greg brawls in dog jail, think bail, failing old dog death."
[laughter]
- That is genuinely what I think. - [applause]
Bang on!
Would you like to hear the original?
Yeah, sure.
"Greg broke a toilet seat by sitting on said toilet."
I'm quite hurt you don't remember.
I do remember. It was my own toilet.
It wasn't, actually, it was in the Edinburgh Festival.
I was trying to get a non-refundable deposit, but thank God I didn't.
In that case, it should've read, "Greg has broken two toilets."
[laughter and applause]
Let's bring everyone down.
We'll work it all out when you're down here.
Come on down to the studio floor.
[applause]
- Well translated. - Thank you very much.
Do you wanna dish out the bonus point for best fact first?
- Yes, I do. - OK.
I enjoyed all of the facts. All of them.
But, for me, the most genuinely interesting...
I had no idea that it was only humans and armadillos...
that can get leprosy.
So there goes the bonus point. James Acaster.
[applause]
So, do you want the scores then, including the bonus point?
- For God's sake, yes. - OK.
You only got one of Rhod's words right, so he gets one point.
The word "Greg."
[laughter]
After that, Phil was in fourth place with four words.
- He gets two points. - [Greg] Yeah.
Kerry and James, joint second with nine words.
[Greg whistles]
But a bonus point to James,
so James and Jess both get five points.
Woo!
OK? So joint winners of that task.
[applause]
[Alex] So can do the series scores?
OK, James in last place with 45,
Phil 47, Jess 52,
and then back down to Rhod with 50,
and up again, Kerry in the lead with 60 points. Eight points clear.
[applause]
Absolutely boshing it.
- Yes, she is. - Smashin' it.
However, despite being in last place,
this episode has been won, by one point,
by the mighty Mr James Acaster with 18 points!
[cheers and applause]
Yes!
James Acaster, congratulations!
Go and collect your things from the 90s
and take Phil Wang with you,
- because you've won Phil Wang! - [cheers and applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that youbats can contract leprosy,
and we've learnt that tonight's paragon of task completion is James Acaster!
Nighty-night and byesy-bye!
[subtitles by tribbletown]