Hello!
How are you?
I'm fine, thanks.
You're looking well.
I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
There are five comedians hungry
to stoke the fire of this competition
and commence battle immediately.
So who am I to stop them?
I'm the Taskmaster. That's who.
But I'm also just a regular nice guy.
So, here they are. Your five fearless fighters.
James Acaster!
Jessica Knappett!
Kerry Godliman!
Phil Wang!
And Rhod Gilbert!
[cheers and applause]
And still very much keeping the dream alive
that he might be a late bloomer...
[high-pitched] It's little Alex Horne!
[cheers and applause]
I can get on here by myself.
I can.
You look a little sheepish tonight.
I'm not comfortable.
Yes, you're not comfortable.
Because you're being punished for the last episode.
Can I tell them what you've done?
No, you can't. They'll find out soon enough.
- It's horrible. - Good.
Let's start the competition.
[laughter]
- Prize task? - Yep.
Prize task, OK.
And kindly suggested by Greg, in honour of me, you said,
me, Mr Alex Horne, today's prize category is
- the creepiest thing. - [laughter]
You're gonna award the owner of the creepiest thing
five enormous points, and at the end of this very show,
the overall winner will get to take home all five creepy things.
Right, James Acaster.
I imagine you've brought in a really creepy thing.
I come from a town called Kettering in Northamptonshire.
In Kettering, there is a museum called the Manor House Museum.
And the main attraction in the Manor House Museum
is a mummified cat.
Alex, please.
Here's the mummified cat.
[everyone gasps]
[Jess] God!
Oh my God.
It is a mummified cat that was found in a wall
in a building in Kettering.
In the past, it was good luck to keep a cat in the walls.
A live one?
Actually, that wasn't specified.
[laughter]
A really strong start.
- It's creepy, and... - Creepy.
...and it's the first thing ever that's made me want to visit Kettering.
Kerry, what's the creepy thing you've brought in?
This is a thing that a man was wearing on a train
sat opposite me,
and he maintained eye contact with me with four Tube stops.
- Long time. - Yeah.
[Alex] It was this t-shirt here.
[everyone groans]
Is it the lack of apostrophe you object to?
[laughter and applause]
- Really creepy. - Jesus Christ.
I just can't imagine it ever working.
- As in, "OK, go on then." - [Alex laughs]
"Off we go. Get the stirrups. I'm game!"
Phil, what creepy thing did you bring in?
So, um, my creepiest thing is a...
finger portrait of myself that I was given by someone
who came to one of my shows.
Here is the painting.
- [James] Oh. - It's quite good.
- [laughter] - [James] That's amazing, Phil.
Well, it was in Newcastle,
which is creepy, oo-ooh.
What happened to the old castle?
[laughter and applause]
I'll give you, it is a good picture, objectively speaking,
but it's the idea of him sitting on his own,
and just stroking the contours of my face,
around the jaw and over the lips,
and just going, "Here you are, Phil."
It's not very creepy. I think it's nice.
- It's a lovely picture. - Ugh!
Would you like to see Jessica Knappett?
Jessica Knappett.
It's quite simply my collection of Victorian Christmas cards.
Here they are. The Victorian Christmas cards.
Doesn't sound creepy.
[laughter]
[Greg] These are Christmas cards?
Yes. Right, so, top left. Dead robin.
Uh, frog shagging a beetle.
♪ Oh, ding dong merrily on DEAD FROG ♪
♪ With a DAGGER ♪
- [Alex] Creepy? - Pretty creepy stuff.
Pretty creepy. I mean, it's not a cat in a wall, I'll give you that.
No. One left.
- Oh, no. - What?
Every single one of the prize tasks for this whole series...
[Rhod] Oh, that.
It has essentially been a picture of me looking fat.
[laughter]
So given the title "creepiest thing"...
Well, this is a rare occasion where I'm not entering that picture of you.
It's not a picture of me at all?
It's not a picture of you at all. It is a short film.
[laughter]
[Alex] Would you like to see the film?
Ugh, yeah...
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
- Wow. - Wow.
[James] Wow.
It's actually made me feel dirty.
I saw you out!
- [Alex] Did you check? - No, you didn't.
Fucking hell.
The audio on it's quite nice. There's one point where you go,
"Pth pth pth pth."
[laughter]
- Ready? - Yes.
Um, least creepy, I mean...
It's a perfectly nice picture of Phil.
- I should have a creepier face. - [Alex] One point to Phil Wang.
Just because they're cards and I could just turn them over,
I'm gonna give Jess two points.
[Alex] Two points, OK, in fourth place.
I'm gonna jump James up. I'm gonna give him four points,
- 'cause that is a creepy cat. - [Alex] Yes.
And good luck to Kettering. If that's the best you've got, Jesus Christ.
Let's just turn Kettering into a car park.
OK. One to Phil, two to Jess, four to James.
I mean, without question, the creepiest thing for me
is that this idiot has hid in my...
- [laughter] - ...has hid in my wardrobe.
But a t-shirt that creepy can't go unpunished.
I'm gonna give them five points each.
Both get five points. Kerry and Rhod.
- [cheers and applause] - [Alex] Fair enough.
Creeps! What task have we got next, Alex?
Well, if you go down to the woods today...
Let's see.
- [Alex] Hello, Rhod. - Hiya.
[Alex] Hi, James.
Eurgh!
I'm scared!
- What is this place? - [Alex] It's a grotto.
- [Alex] What do you think a grotto is? - It's where Santa is, isn't it?
I don't think Santa would come here.
- Where's the task, Alex? - It's on its way.
[laughter]
Right.
"Poke something out of the hole in the roof of this grotto."
"Least expected thing poked through wins."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Poke something out of the hole.
There won't be a pound shop nearby, is there?
Are you on Amazon Prime?
Haven't got my phone.
[applause]
Who are we gonna see first?
Well, first we're gonna see a man
who will very soon go by the nickname...
J-Caster.
It's J-Caster. Here we go.
Poke something through the hole in the grotto.
Right. I know what it's gonna be.
[Alex] OK.
But these guys have to stop filming me.
Do you want me to call the cameras off?
All the cameras off. This is gonna be unexpected.
[laughter]
Fun's over!
Right, I'm ready!
The cameras are back on, James.
Filming's back on!
This is genius.
Only advice I can give the Taskmaster for this one...
Expect the unexpected, babay. Can you tell him that?
You want me to tell him to expect the unexpected?
"Babay."
[James] OK, here it comes!
[laughter]
[applause]
[James] ♪ Pants on a stick, oh-oh ♪
♪ Pants on a stick ♪
Do you get extra points for a song?
Nope.
Well, that was a waste of time.
[applause]
I wasn't expecting that beautiful song.
I'll be honest, as soon as I was holding my pants on a stick,
- I genuinely went crazy. - [Alex] Yeah.
Do you wanna give us a bit more of "Pants on a Stick"?
♪ Pants on a stiiick ♪
♪ Waving from side to side ♪
♪ My pants on a stick ♪
♪ Whose pants? My pants? Your pants? No, no ♪
[Alex] Nice song.
[cheers and applause]
Well, good. We're off to a start.
- OK. - Who's next?
We're now gonna see a Godliman-Wang combo, at last.
Kerry and Phil.
OK, that's...
If I can get something on the end of that stick, we're in business.
Everything here is expected.
It's nature, innit? It's all... you know.
There isn't gonna be a hamburger or something.
[laughter]
Right.
Right. You ready?
Oh!
OK, Alex. Here it comes.
- Can you see that? - Yeah, I can see it.
[Phil] What do you reckon?
I'm worried about you.
[laughter]
- Thank you, Kerry. - OK.
I- I might need help with the zip, Alex.
Sure, yeah.
[laughter]
OK.
- Thank you. - Goodbye.
Thank you. Bye, Alex.
[applause]
You're right, I was not expecting
to see your bra on the end of a beanpole.
Pleased with yourself?
Yeah.
Kerry's was the only one, I didn't know what was going on.
So I was genuinely surprised
- when a bra came up-- - Why?
Because, well, she went into the woods,
hid in a bush and took her bra off, and then came back.
- Whereas the other two-- - They did it on camera.
I'm quite glad I didn't do it on camera.
Yeah.
- Like I went away privately. - [Greg] You've got a bit of class.
Yeah, classy little...
I didn't think Alex had a live feed, like a pervert.
Well, there was a big hole in the roof.
[laughter and applause]
I was not wholly surprised by your approach, Phil,
because I have decided that
the only reason you've come into this series
is to show as much of your genitals as you possibly can.
We had a very tender moment when I zipped you up.
- Ooh, lovely. - I blew on his neck.
Yeah?
- [Greg] Aww. - Creepy.
- Why don't you...? - What?
Why don't you go over and relive old times,
- have a little hug with Phil? - Can I?
You say I don't give you moments to yourself.
Go and give Phil a hug and remember it, if you like.
Oh, thanks, mate!
Sit down!
[laughter and applause]
I told you! You do things when I tell you!
[laughter]
That's it. Enough. I've had enough of part one.
I can't stand it any more.
Come back when you're part two,
or don't come back at all!
Hi, everyone. Hello.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where I'm going to instantly palm you off on Alex Horne,
so that he can deal with the detail.
Thank you, Greg. Detail is my middle name,
and my closest friend.
Before the break, our competitors were challenged
to the stick the most unexpected thing through a hole in a grotto's roof.
Last up are Rhod and Jess.
Gilbert and Knappett. It's poking time again.
I'm gonna go and try and find something more unexpected.
Let's just see.
[he grunts]
Got that down there, don't know what to do with it.
It's a nice grotto, isn't it, Alex?
Thank you.
OK, can you come down and join me in the grotto, please?
[Alex] OK.
- Can you see that? - Yes.
The position you'll be adopting is if you lean forward...
So there, that's it. You can sit back into the ladder a little.
I think this is gonna be quite good.
So you undo your belt...
and then just pop your trousers down.
I might need you to pull the trousers down,
so I can hold on to something.
I've heard that before.
You can't pull your own trousers down?
[Jess] Unexpected item appearing now!
Look!
It's... [she laughs]
- It's on fire, Jess. - It's a fire!
Please don't set fire to the tree.
Some classical music would be nice.
- [Rhod] OK, what would you like? - [Alex] Vivaldi?
OK, bend right down. Head right down, Alex, please.
- I don't wanna open up. - [Rhod laughs] OK.
- You've got 30 seconds, Rhod. - OK.
Oh!
- [laughter and applause] - [Vivaldi's "Gloria" plays]
Ugh!
- Hmm. - OK, I've run out of water.
So that is the water feature closed for today, kids.
[blows whistle]
- That's your time up, Rhod. - OK.
[cheers and applause]
Everyone's... wow, Rhod.
I mean, I feel sorry for Jess,
because I genuinely wasn't expecting fire to come out of the hole.
- Yeah. - And then...
[laughter]
Well, you can't compete with Alex's arse, can you?
- It's been said before. - It wasn't just Alex's arse, was it?
As grotesque and unexpected as that was.
But it's also the fact that he then said,
"That's the water featured closed, kids."
[laughter]
That was unexpected.
- Well, you know... - Do you wanna judge it?
- Yeah, I'm gonna judge it. - OK.
I'm gonna give two points, straight in at two,
to Kerry, James and Phil, 'cause I think I kind of guessed
there was gonna be an item of clothing
coming through the roof of the grotto.
OK, so the bra, pants and yellow jumpsuit all get two points.
- Correct. - OK.
Jess, the element of fire, I wasn't expecting.
- Great. - Four points.
Second place, Jess Knappett.
And five points, and up to £20,000 of my own money for counselling,
Rhod Gilbert!
- [cheers and applause] - [Alex] Rhod wins the task. OK.
OK, I've got the scores.
The series scores are very exciting.
We have Phil Wang on 103.
[everyone gasps]
[Alex] Oooh, yeah.
Certainly sounds impressive in isolation.
Yeah.
In second-last, it's James on 122.
But then, it's all changed.
Kerry's on 131, Jess is on 133,
Rhod's on 134. Three points!
- [applause] - Whoa!
That's the first time I've been in the lead all series.
[Alex] Yes, it is. All change.
OK, I have a scoreboard for this episode.
Phil is in last with three,
James and Jess both on six, Kerry on seven,
but Rhod's in the lead with ten points!
[cheers and applause]
More, please, little Alex Horne.
Well, this one is a puzzling riddle of a treasure hunt of a task.
- [Alex] Oh. - Oh, hi.
Hi, Alex.
- Oh. - [Alex] Oh?
- [Alex] So here we are. - Here we are.
Why is there not a task here?
Is it in this room?
[Alex] Yeah, it's not hidden.
Well, it's not...
- It's not not hidden, is it? - No, but it's not hidden.
[Alex] Hi, James.
[Alex] The task is somewhere.
Right.
Heyyy! [she laughs]
- [Alex] You're colder now. - Colder now?
[laughter]
- Warmer, warmer. - Warmer?
Ah!
- Carefully, so I don't pull this down. - Little tug-- Oh.
[laughter]
"C."
"C. Your time starts now."
"Now look in the microwave."
What?
[applause]
Come on, let's just crack straight into it.
OK, let's start with the ladies.
But which two ladies?
[Jess] Where's the microwave?
Where's the microwave?
[Kerry] C.
There!
"R. Now look in your pigeonhole."
"E."
"Now look under the door mat."
C-R-E.
- Where's the door mat? - [Alex] Probably near a door.
Oh, yeah.
"A. Now look in the lab."
"M. Now look in the little blue book."
What little blue book?
What little blue book, Alex?
Is there a little blue box in here?
- What are you looking for? - A little blue box.
Where's the little blue book?
- You OK, Kerry? - No, I'm stressing out.
Right, OK, so there's a little blue box somewhere in this house.
"Now look..."
- [she laughs] - [laughter]
What?!
Can't read.
"Now look in the little blue book."
Not box. Book!
It says "book"!
Ooh, this is-- Ah!
Eyyy, that's clever, isn't it?
Love that. Ah, a tiny one!
"S at the beginning. Fastest wins."
What?
"S... at the beginning..."
"Creams."
- [laughter] - At the beginning.
What?
No one says that, do they? Creams.
[Alex] No.
"Scream"!
[she screams]
[laughter and applause]
Creams at the beginning.
Is it like a...?
The... situation where people have creams at the beginning?
"S."
OH!
[she screams]
[applause]
I mean, it's an incredible question.
"Ah, this must be a situation where people have creams in the beginning."
[laughter]
Powerful screams, thuogh.
Oh, excellent screams, and it wasn't that slow.
They both took five minutes something.
I think if Kerry had realised the door mat was near the door--
- [laughter] - Oh, hang on.
Is that worse than confusing "book" with a "box"?
No. Oh, no. You were both absolutely shit.
Kerry took five minutes and 47 seconds.
Jess, five minutes and 31 seconds,
so Jess is in the lead at the moment.
- Wow. - Yeah.
You didn't spend that long looking for a box.
The end of part two is nigh.
Correction. The end of part two is now.
Hello there.
And if you've just stumbled across this show for the first time,
it's the third part of the eighth episode in the seventh series,
and you're very, very welcome.
Yes, you are. Today, our contestants are playing
for a mummified cat and offensive t-shirt,
and before the break, there was a puzzle task taking place.
How will Cambridge University representative Phil Wang
and wise old sage Rhod Gilbert do?
This was in the microwave. "Now look in your pigeonhole."
"E. Now look under the door mat."
That's not you, is it? That's not what Greg calls you?
I'm not going back in the room to open them any more.
I've realised it's time wasted.
"Now look in the lab."
Lab...
Where's the little blue book?
Little blue book.
There's a little blue book in here, is there?
Is there?
Those aren't real books.
Is it on you?
Why would it be on me?
I will strip-search you if I don't find this little blue book.
Huh!
Do you wanna tell me where the book is?
It's where... where the books normally are.
Ah!
Oh!
[Alex] What does the task say, Phil?
It says "S" and then in brackets, "at the beginning."
[Rhod] Oh, God. What does that mean?
Argh.
Oh, I've thrown them everywhere.
Bollocks.
Oh, "scream"!
Aah!
[laughter]
- You want me to scream? - Yes, please.
[Alex] Was that definitely a scream?
- Aaa-aah! Yeah, I'd say so. - Thank you. I've stopped the clock.
[he yells]
[laughter and applause]
It seems to me that every task, to you,
is an opportunity to get his trousers off.
And you're always wearing pink underwear.
- Or long johns. - [Greg] Yeah.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Dear, dear, dear.
Um, Phil, I think you're a very controlled man,
is what I thought during that.
You saw Rhod scream at the end.
That's a scream of desperation,
and I think I'm gonna give the opportunity on camera now
to really let a passionate, wild scream out.
[he roars]
[cheers and applause]
- Do you want some times? - Yes, please.
He took... nine minutes and 55.
- Nine minutes and 55. - Of course he did.
He probably went out into the garden
and had a sniff of some flowers at some point.
Rhod took exactly the same amount of time
it takes me to prepare your bed in the evening.
Twelve minutes and 51 seconds.
You like it so flat.
- [applause] - Very flat.
Just show me a situation
where there's some creams at the beginning, will you?
Well, it's James Acaster next.
Is he as good at solving riddles as he is at taking his pants off,
shoving them on a stick and singing a song about it?
Let's find out.
"R. Now look in your pigeonhole."
"E. Now look under the doormat."
"A. Now look in the lab."
"M. Now look in the little blue book."
"S." Creams.
"At the--" Oh, at the beginning.
[he screams]
[laughter and applause]
I feel like that whole thing was in real time.
- That's the fastest ever... - It was, pretty much.
He'd already spotted the blue book during another task.
He'd always been aware of the surroundings.
I think you know the show more than I know the show.
I love it. I'm a big fan.
That was a dream come true.
[laughter and applause]
The time was three minutes 48.
Wow.
So the points are, one point to Rhod,
two to Phil, three to Kerry,
four to Jess with her five minutes 31,
and five points to James Acaster, who wins the task.
[applause]
So with that...
With that, Jess has re-taken the series lead.
It's going hither and thither at this moment.
I feel like you're ready to hit us with another task.
Oh, I am, and I'm glad I look ready, because I am ready.
And for this one, the contestants really
had to learn to compose themselves.
[tuneless strumming]
Ah!
Hi!
Hi, Alex.
Oh!
[Alex] Hello, Rhod.
Alright?
Hello.
- Hiya. - Alright?
[Alex] Hello, James.
"Compose the best 30-second piece of music."
- The best? - Yes, please.
Oh, yes.
Played into my hands here, mate. Fuck you.
[laughter]
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Oh my God.
Can you play all of these instruments?
We can play a mix of them.
I'm a percussionist myself.
[Alex] If you're looking for sticks--
- No, they're fine. - Oh, OK.
You're not a musician, mate.
- [laughter] - What's that guy?
- It's a melodica. - Oh, let's have a go at that.
[jaunty tune]
Well, that's staying.
[they laugh]
[applause]
Uh, another one of your catchphrases coming out there.
- "Fuck you." - Yep.
Some of the others you've used throughout the series...
"Fuck you." "Babay."
"I'm punk." "Suck it."
Just so you know.
Let's see...
if there's a little bit more decorum when you write music.
Who shall we see first?
Well, just to say, the musicians would only do what they were told,
and we're gonna see James and Jess,
and Kerry and Phil.
And Rhod. All creating their pieces.
- This is them composing. - Lovely.
What sort of rhythm are we after?
Um, well, you reckon you guys can just vamp...
a 12-bar blues structure for a bit,
and I'll try and think of a drum...
We're in the key of E minor.
So it's melancholy. We're in Eastern Europe.
[melancholy drone]
Do the Hendrix chord.
Right, here we go.
Here we go!
Oh, yeah. OK. So let's just jam.
You might need to give us a bit more instruction.
Oh, really?
- [drone continues] - A little match girl has arrived...
at a house.
- A little what? - Match girl.
Play a bit of music that sounds like this.
♪ Do-do-do do dooo ♪
[elegant violin]
[imitates rock guitar]
But I've got to go, ♪ diddly-do ♪
and then you go, ♪ diddly-do ♪
There we are.
- Now let's hear the matches. - The matches?
Yeah, she'd shake the box, probably, just to demonstrate her wares.
What the fuck was that?
♪ Do do do, do do do ♪
♪ Do do do do do ♪
♪ Ba, duh-duh ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Da-da-da da-da-da ♪
♪ Dadadadadada ♪ OK?
♪ Boop-oop-oop-adippy dingy-ding-ding ♪
♪ Bu-bu-bu-bup ♪
[she coughs]
♪ Duh duh duh, duh duh duh ♪
[trumpet toots]
That's pretty good!
I don't think I'm adding anything with this.
I like it.
- Do you? - Yeah.
OK, you're right.
It's my band anyway.
[applause]
- Bit of a... - I quite fancied him.
Yeah, yeah.
I hope you'll take this in the spirit that it's intended, Jess,
but sometimes, watching you is like watching
an episode of Sesame Street.
[laughter]
"I'm writing a song!"
That's really who I am.
I don't know why you're laughing, Kerry.
- What? - Fucking diddly-do.
I mean, I cannot tell you how excited I am
to hear these pieces of music.
OK, well, let's do it.
The first movement we're gonna hear today
is by Philip Wang.
We're Kill Phil with "The Yellow Blues".
One, two, three, four!
[bluesy strumming]
[trumpet toots]
[strumming continues]
[trumpet toots]
[strumming continues]
[trumpet toots]
[strumming continues]
[trumpet toots]
[bluesy violin solo]
[long trumpet drone]
A-ha, yeah!
[applause]
Did you essentially get some talented musicians to play 12-bar blues?
Uh, with a tune that I made up!
Did you-- Did you hear the trumpet solo?
I heard the trumpet solo.
[laughter]
It sounded like one of the band had his mum turn up outside
and she was honking her horn occasionally.
Yeah, like, how the blues was born.
I was told that you play the trumpet.
I played the trumpet...
in that clip.
[laughter]
OK, we are off to an absolutely terrible start.
What?!
Let's see another wonderful piece of music.
Would you like to see the lady sitting next to Phil?
- Yes. - Yes? OK, this is Kerry's effort.
[Greg] The masterclass.
Here's my band, Hokey Cokey Goodtimes,
and it's called "Having a Great Time Any Time."
[Kerry] One, two, three, four!
[mellow folky tune begins]
[applause]
I felt like a parent watching it.
Proud? Proud or ashamed?
[Greg sighs]
I had to rush from the meeting for this. Oh, my God.
It was very good, darling!
- [Greg] It was catchy. - It was a nice little tune,
and it wasn't like a standard blues riff.
I mean, I composed it from scratch.
No way.
[laughter]
It was...
[Kerry] Brilliant.
Really good.
You know, it was vaguely engaging.
Who's next?
OK, we're gonna see someone
who has genuinely been in these bands.
Pindrop, Three Line Whip, The New Hardcore Skiffle Movement,
The Capri-Sun Quartet and The Wow! Scenario.
Yes, it's James Acaster.
[cheers and applause]
We're Clump Stump and this song is called "Over My Shoulder."
- [they play rapidly] - ♪ Over my shoulder ♪
♪ Older and older ♪
♪ That's what I told ya ♪
♪ Over my shoulder ♪
♪ I'm getting colder ♪
♪ Is that a boulder? ♪
[dramatic beats]
♪ Over my shoulder ♪
♪ Older and older ♪
♪ That's what I told ya! ♪
[cheers and applause]
Can we dig down into what the lyrics are about?
'Cause I know what the spirit of punk is all about.
- [James] Yeah. - Not conforming, not fitting in,
not being told what to do by the man upstairs.
You've got to look over your shoulder your whole life.
[Greg] Yeah.
'Cause you never know who's sneaking up on ya.
- Yeah. - You can't trust no one.
And that's why I sing, "Over my shoulder, older and older."
"That's what I told ya."
Then you started getting... You said, "I'm getting colder."
- Getting colder. - "I'm getting colder."
And then you wondered if something was a boulder or not.
"Is that a boulder?"
Yeah.
"Is that a boulder?" That's a metaphor for what?
- Like, is that a boulder? - [Greg] Yeah?
Or is it a big rock?
[laughter]
Right, it's the advertisers' turn for some airtime now,
but more music coming up in part four,
plus, who will win Jessica Knappett's Victorian Christmas cards?
It's nail-biting entertainment television.
Welcome, welcome. It's the final part of the show,
and we're in the middle of a toe-tapping musical task.
Indeed we are, Greg.
Armed with three talented musicians -
Kieran Towers, George Boomsma,
and of course, yes, it was Dan Edwards -
the contestants are trying to compose the best 30-second piece of music.
Next up, it's Jess.
Hi. We're The Easy Triangles.
This is our new hit single, "Here I Am - I'm a Violin."
[upbeat folky tune begins]
[triangle tings]
[laughter and applause]
- It strikes me that that jig... - Mm-hm?
- Would you call it a jig? - Sure.
That jig is missing only one thing.
A jig.
Someone to perform a lovely dance to it.
[they chant] Jig! Jig! Jig!
Do you want me to conduct?
Yes. Yes, please.
One, two, three, now!
[upbeat folky tune plays]
[audience claps in time]
Freestyle!
[cheers and applause]
Sorry, Jess. I feel like we've taken
the spotlight away from your wonderful song.
No, please. All I ever wanted was for the people to dance.
[laughter]
So, uh, Rhod Gilbert.
[Alex] Here is Rhodri's tune.
This is "The Ballad of the Toothless Goon,"
performed by The Little Matchgirls.
- [bleak folky drone] - Eastern Europe.
We join our Toothless Goon
in an unassuming house on an unassuming street,
where he sits by an unlit fire.
- [discordant tune] - He snores deeply.
Fast asleep despite his cold and stony hearth.
Wait, what's this? A knock at the door.
And a little match girl, selling her wares.
[box rattles]
And she can't get the Toothless Goon's attention,
- so deeply does he sleep. - [tempo increases]
She shakes her matches and bangs the door,
and in her desperation, she decides to knock on the window and shout.
[squeaky voice] Oi! Toothless Goon!
Hey! Toothless Goon!
Despite her shouts at Toothless Goon,
the Goon sleeps so deeply,
our little match girl decides to come round the back of the house
and put the window through!
Pshhh!
But still, our Goon, he sleeps.
[music slows again]
Deeply and loudly.
He dreams of teeth in days gone by and a lit hearth.
Our little match girl approaches with her matches
and rests her hand upon his slumbering shoulder.
Whereupon our Goon wakes up with a startle!
[they yell]
Whizzes round and shoots her shitting face off!
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
It's amazing how the last line of a beautiful song
can rug-pull the rest of it.
Rhod's composition was operatic
in that it felt like it lasted about five hours.
How long did it last, actually, Alex?
It lasted three times as long as it should have.
- So it's a minute and a half? - One minute and a half.
Ah, was it supposed to last for 30 seconds?
To be fair to Rhod, it's a harder narrative to cram into 30 seconds
than "some people play blues"
and "an irritated mother honks her horn."
I'm not gonna give anyone one point. That's the good news.
Because I thoroughly enjoyed all pieces of music.
- OK, you've been generous today. - I am being generous today.
I am only going to give Phil two points,
because I think it'll encourage him
to really dig down and to learn the trumpet properly next time.
I'm going to give Kerry three points. It was a very pretty tune.
Thank you.
I'm gonna give Rhod four points, as well as James,
because I think that story is gonna be told
for up to one month after this show.
[Alex] Right.
And the most complete piece of music,
Jessica Knappett.
[cheers and applause]
So let's see what that's done to the scoreboard.
Well, we have a three-way tie for the lead,
between James, Jess and Rhod.
They're all on 15.
[cheers and applause]
Very good. Right, it's that time again.
Please head up to the stage for the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
All on a lovely stage. Who's gonna read the task?
Rhod Gilbert.
"Bob...
when you hear the surname of a famous Bob."
[laughter]
That's a bob, is it?
Brilliant.
"Pat when you hear the surname of a famous Pat."
"Kneel when you hear the surname of a famous Neil."
"Stew when you hear the surname of a famous Stew."
- Stew? - Stew.
[Rhod] Do you mean "stir"?
Stew. The international sign language.
- Yeah, anybody want some stew? - [Kerry] I love this.
"And wane when you hear the surname of a famous Wayne."
Like the moon. Getting smaller like the moon.
[laughter]
- Great. - I love this.
"If you do an incorrect action or fail to do any action
with ten seconds of hearing the name,
you are disqualified."
"Last person correctly bobbing, patting,
kneeling, stewing or waning wins."
So, blindfolds on, please.
Good luck, everybody.
Greg will say a surname. You then have ten seconds.
I'll be counting the ten seconds.
At the end of that, we'll see who's through to the next round.
Good.
Here we go. [blows whistle]
Marley.
[laughter]
Yep, I think... Yep.
OK, OK, and that's... [blows whistle]
...ten seconds up. They have all done the correct action.
I don't think Rhod Gilbert should be
congratulated for doing one bob.
Next name. [blows whistle]
Armstrong.
[laughter]
[blows whistle]
James Acaster.
James, you must go back to the bench.
Ah, I was thinking about Lance!
I was gonna lance someone!
[laughter and applause]
Sit on the bench.
First man on the moon!
[laughter]
There are four left.
[blows whistle]
Sleep.
Sleep?
[laughter]
[blows whistle] Wang, sit down!
[Greg] Wang is out!
Come home. Come home, Wang.
Phil, that was Wayne Sleep.
The second man on the moon.
[laughter]
OK, here we go. Next name. [blows whistle]
This is gonna sort the wheat from the chaff.
Gretzky.
[laughter]
- Gretzky? - [Greg] Gretzky.
Three seconds. He's got to do something.
- [Greg] Oh-ho! - [blows whistle]
OK, I'm afraid we have lost Kerry Godliman.
Who referred to Pat Gretzky, who does not play ice hockey.
Wayne Gretzky does.
- I knew that. - [laughter]
So we have a play-off now. [blows whistle]
Holness.
- [Alex] Holness. - [Greg] Holness.
[everyone groans]
[blows whistle]
I'm afraid Jessica must sit down.
Argh!
Stewart Holness...
Unfortunately, Stewart Holness has retired.
The winner is, ladies and gentlemen,
Rhod Gilbert!
[cheers and applause]
Come down, let's add that to the total scores,
and see where we are!
[applause]
So, come on, scoreboard.
That's got to have really mixed things up.
It has. Well, this episode, it was close right to the end.
But thanks to Bob Holness,
the winner, with 20 points,
is Mr Rhod Gilbert!
[cheers and applause]
Rhod is the winner of episode eight.
Rhod, go and collect your creepy clutter!
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt, if you're a lovely little match girl,
living in poverty,
be careful who you're charitable to.
Or you might get your shitting face shot off.
So you next time for the penultimate part of this series.
Thank you. Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]