This programme contains some dubious beauty tricks you probably want to avoid,
and strong language and adult humour
Is this a joke?
Yeah.
Mm.
Ooh. Ah.
Oh, I like that.
Wow. Mmm.
Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.
I know a lot of you out there in social media land
think that sometimes when it comes to judgments,
I don't always get it right.
Well, you're wrong, and you'd better make sure those comments come from
a server in Central Europe.
It's not hard for a man with my connections to get
a name, do you understand?
You might be Dumbledore online,
but I'll find you
and I'll disguise myself as a giant crow in
a tree outside your house.
You ever been jumped on by a six foot eight crow?!
Then maybe keep your opinions to yourself.
Right, let's meet the people brave enough
to use their real names.
Alan Davies,
Desiree Burch,
Guz Khan,
Morgana Robinson,
and Victoria Coren Mitchell.
And sitting to my left,
a man who is the answer to the question -
what happens when you throw chunks of pork
at a revolving carwash brush?
It's little Alex Horne. Ta-da.
Here I am. We've got to be quick,
got a meeting after this, so let's go. Yeah.
I'm meeting with Hollywood, so let's, let's hurry up. All right.
What's your meeting with Hollywood about?
It's for both of us. Got an email from Spielberg
who wants to make Taskmaster the movie.
He said he wants to cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as you
and Danny DeVito as me, and they're brothers,
and it's going to be a lot of fun.
We're going to go to Hollywood. All right, then.
OK. On with the prize task.
Yes, on we go, and your chosen category for them this week is
the best thing you use for something other than its actual purpose.
Five points will be awarded for the best thing used for something
other than its actual purpose and, at the end of the show,
the things will go home with a winner of the episode, and that
person can do whatever they want with all the things. Lovely. Mm-hm.
So we're looking for something that's
a great thing in its own right,
that you happen to use
for something else.
Victoria, hello.
Yes. I brought the breadbin. This is Victoria's...
Hang on a minute. Victoria, you may have grown tired of this format.
No, I haven't.
But the viewers haven't.
Here is Victoria's breadbin in situ.
There it is.
There it is. A four-slice toaster. Someone's doing well.
It's got a bagel setting. Yes.
Here's the problem with putting bread products in the breadbin.
You forget they're in there,
then you find them weeks later and they've gone all mouldy. Mm.
So now I'm frightened to put things in there,
but I put things on the top of it, and they're sort of elevated
so that you know what kind of bread you've got to choose from,
and you can see it from all round the kitchen.
I sometimes think you want to score badly in this round.
What's in it at the moment, the breadbin?
Nothing. It's empty. Ooh. OK.
It's always empty.
Nice and clean. No mould, no crumbs.
I mean, if you put the bread in,
it will keep it a bit fresher for longer.
Yes, but if you miss the window, it's not fresh.
All right. I can't talk about breadbins any more. No.
I've given it a fair crack of the whip. Yes.
And some. Desiree, can you beat a breadbin?
I guess what I have.
I don't know if the official name a cat WC?
But you know when you have a cat,
and you buy things for the cat, and the cat's like,
"Ha, that is not for me," and just ignores it,
so I have this very expensive cupboard into which I put books
and some, like, gardening soil and things like that.
You have an obsolete integrated cat latrine. Yes. Ooh. Ooh.
So it was going to be so quaint, but the cat's like
"I need to poop in the raw." Like, "I'm alive," you know?
Yeah, me too. Wow. It's a very expressive cat. I mean,
I quite like it as an item.
This is the solution to your problem.
Pop your bread in, and it's got a window for you to check.
Yeah, that is actually good.
Alan, can you beat cat toilet?
Well, I've brought in a child's toothbrush.
OK. Ooh. You can see it there.
With a sucky base. Yeah.
Secondary use is it's ideal
for changing halogen lightbulbs that are recessed in
the ceiling. Something of a lifehack.
I presume we can hear that description again on your
YouTube channel? "Something of a lifehack."
Here's a lightbulb being changed with a toothbrush.
Ooh, the sucky.
Look what happens. Ooh. Wow. That's weirdly satisfying. Yeah. Isn't it?
Cos you can be scrabbling away at those bulbs for a while.
Thanks, Alan.
Guz, what have you brought in?
I've got, er, a clothes hanger iPhone holder.
It is homemade, despite appearances. Here it is.
If I please may explain, yeah?
Before you carry on. Yes?
This is supposed to be something you already use for a secondary purpose.
Now, I need to take you back a few years, yeah? Mm-hm.
I just finished my PGCE, and money was very tight,
and this coincided with the time we had our first child.
I've had many since then, but I only really cared about the first one.
So when you have your first kid,
it's your responsibility to keep him alive,
so I used that to put
the baby monitor on whilst I was washing dishes,
doing hoover, and ever since then,
it's such an effective tool,
I now watch like football games and do the hoovering.
Do you promise me? Look me in the eye.
Guz? Yeah, go on. Look at me. Yeah, go on, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want you to promise me... Mm.
..that the story you've just told me. Yeah. ..is true?
And that you've subsequently gone on to use it while you're doing
the hoovering, and it's become part of your life. I just want to say...
You mean like everyday life or like...? I just want you
to say you've regularly used it.
Tell the truth. Nah, I used it like four or five times.
OK. Fine.
Morgana, what have you brought in?
Arse cream.
It's extremely good for puffy eyes.
Pop it under on the under-eye of an evening, and it's like...
Are you really using bum cream on your eyes?
I swear to God. That is a thing. It is a beauty thing.
It really is a thing. But is it a good thing to win in a quiz?
No. I don't think I want any bum cream on my face.
You sure? Yeah.
You ready? You're dishing out points.
And I'm not being mean to you this time,
Morgana, but great news, I want Victoria's breadbin less.
One point for Victoria's breadbin. One point, Victoria.
Two points for Morgana's arse cream.
Now we're getting into difficult territory.
Because he told me the truth, he can have three points.
Three points to Guz. At the top of the tree? Woo, which one?
I've got so many of those bulbs in my home.
But I want a weird cupboard with a little window in it.
Yes!
Four points to Alan, five points to Desiree.
Congratulations, Desiree.
Is it time for the first task proper, Alex?
It most certainly isn't not.
This is quite intense.
Is this like an initiation in some kind of secret society? Maybe.
Just got to just focus. It's a very cold place,
and it's old, and there might be spirits,
so you'll see a different Guz Khan today. Sensible.
I'm not trying to mess with the supernatural, OK, bro?
OK.
Make and wear a popcorn necklace
with at least five pieces of popcorn,
and then do the opposite of the following.
Then do the opposite of the following.
You must under no circumstances not avoid not make... Wait.
Not avoid not making... What the...? OK. Hold on.
It's going to take me ages to work out this sentence.
The task is over when you have either rung
the bell or not run the bell and... Are you serious?
This is like a... this is an anxiety dream.
The task is over when you have either rung the bell
or not rung the bell and said I did
the right thing three it... This is going summon something.
That's what's going to happen here. This...
Ooh, lot of mercy.
Fastest to not do...
You OK, Desiree?
No. Is anything ever
going to be OK ever again, Alex? All right.
Fastest to not do the wrong thing. Ooh, wait.
So if you don't do
the right thing,
you lose five points. Wow. There's a penalty.
My time started when I started reading the task.
Yeah, that was nearly two minutes ago. OK, Jesus Christ.
The thing that will take a long time is threading the needle.
OK. Mm. Interesting. Mm.
Only one person saw that
the most challenging part of this was the popcorn necklace.
It was Victoria, presumably because the riddle... Yeah.
Was solved in an instant. Let's see some attempts.
All right, well, we're going to start with one man, another man,
and a Morgana. Here they are.
OK, so I've got to make the necklace.
Let's just get on with that.
Who knows what was going on in here back in the day.
Do you know what I mean? I'm not sure.
There's a couple of Ethels and that lot still walking around here.
Couple of Ethels? Yeah. Or whatever their names would've been.
You think there are some dead nuns called Ethel wondering around?
Why you got to be so specific for, man?
Just keep it do you know what I mean?
This bit I'm very good at. Are you?
Yeah. I'm very, very, very talented in the threading area.
I can't even see this. I'm telling you, I really can't.
Boom. Told you. That's one.
Maybe I don't need to thread the needle to make a necklace.
I mean, I could just tie it around the popcorn.
You're trying to get all the popcorn on the needle?
I don't think it says that's against the rules, is it?
You people underestimate me.
Oh, shit.
How's it done that?
I mean, that actually how has it done that?
Right.
Every time I attach it, it ties itself in a knot.
I'm going to have to make another one.
Do you know I recently completed a master's degree?
Goodness sake.
I'm going to take a pew.
No, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll attach that one to the new bit of cotton. OK.
Sorry, Ethel.
I did the right thing. I did the right thing.
I've stopped the clock.
I'm not confident I've scored well there.
Lovely. Um, you seem uncomfortable in that venue.
Yeah, well, you know.
Cos of Ethel? Yeah.
It was a former nunnery and, er,
Guz really thought the nuns still inhabited the place.
Yeah, I've not got any proof to say they were there,
but you ain't got no proof to say they wasn't there.
Ethel, at least she recognised I didn't disrespect her yard.
You know what I mean? Yeah. She'll haunt the others, all right.
Nice to be able to say take a pew and mean it, isn't it?
Yeah. Mm. It's ever so satisfying.
Isn't that nice? Well done. Thank you.
Do you want me to tell you how long it took Morgana to thread a needle?
Go on. 16 minutes to make the necklace and ring the bell.
It took Alan just 11 minutes to do the same thing.
Guz, five minutes 37.
OK. Ohh!
People do underestimate you.
Time for a break.
You can let your nan back into the room for a few minutes if you want,
but I want her gone by the time I return.
Honestly, I cannot stand the woman.
Woo. Yes. Hello.
Welcome back to the second part of the show.
Yes, my tweeps,
I hope you're bear well and totes ready for some more mega LOLs.
Before the break, our contestants were making popcorn necklaces
whilst trying to work out whether to ring a bell or not.
Now it's ding, ding, round two. Or perhaps it isn't.
Here's Desiree and Victoria.
You must avoid making the bell...
OK, the bell has to not ring, got it.
I either ring or don't ring the bell.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out
what the right answer to that one was, so...
I mean, seriously. This is going to take hours. Mm.
You know when there's one little, tiny thread of the thread hanging
off, and you're like, "You're going to thwart all of my plans?"
It's really difficult.
Why haven't you got one with a bigger thing?
Agh!
And I'm in. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. Look at that.
All right, cool. Putting things on my neck is hard.
Right. And the thing is, after a while,
you just start to feel sort of queasy.
I think this is really unfair
because the actual sewing bit, I'd be all right.
And I don't mind a double negative.
But threading a needle. And what if I just can't do it?
Do we all stay here forever?
I did the right thing. I did the right thing.
I did the right thing, I think.
I've stopped the clock. Great.
And I am admiring your choker.
Thank you very much.
OK, thank you, Desiree.
Are you secretly laughing
cos I haven't got to the difficult bit yet?
I'm not not laughing.
No. Is that it? Is it through?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, thank the Lord for that. One.
There we go. I did the right thing,
I did the right thing, I did the right thing.
I've stopped the clock.
This is the future of television.
They made some popcorn necklaces relatively efficiently.
Yes. Desiree was the quickest, five minutes 35.
And out of the five of them,
Victoria was the third quickest with seven minutes 38.
Now... Now. ..to business. Right.
Who did ring the bell? Hands up.
And how comfortable do you feel about your decision?
50% comfortable.
Yeah. Correct answer.
Guz? Minus 25%.
You two, er, didn't ring the bell. How confident are you, Victoria?
Is it you must on no circumstances not avoid... Not.
..making the bell not ring? You must avoid making the bell ring.
That's what that sentence means. Yeah, you mustn't ring it.
I put this to Susie Dent.
This is the only thing you can do in this circumstance.
And she said there's five negatives. Mm.
Not making the bell not ring is a double negative
and comes to the same thing as making the bell ring. Yeah.
Not avoid is a double negative that renders itself redundant.
We know this. Yeah. So you end up with you must under no circumstances
make the bell ring. Aww, shitsticks. Yeah.
So they shouldn't have made the bell ring?
Well, I said to Susie Dent, "Thank you." I emailed her and said... Yes.
.."Just wondering, Susie, did you include the first line,
"which was do the opposite of the following?"
Oh. Oi. And Susie said oh, "I missed that bit, which of course reverses
"the instruction of the paragraph that I analysed."
If you got that right at home, get out more. Yeah. Good.
Unfortunately,
that is bad news for Desiree and Victoria, who lose five points.
Aww. So that means, unfortunately,
Desiree has lost all the points she gained... Man.
..in the first task. She gets minus five,
as does Victoria. Morgana gets three points, Alan four,
but Guz Khan wins the task and five points.
Yes!
You will show me a scoreboard.
Guz and Alan are both in the lead with eight,
and Victoria has got her first-ever negative score with minus four.
Congratulations. Thank you.
I think we're due a team task.
You're right again. And for this one,
we ventured just outside
the Taskmaster grounds for sports day.
It'd be nice to play football all afternoon.
Hello, team. Come and have a seat. Please have a seat.
There's a task.
Mm-hm.
Provide the most iconic
and memorable commentary
for this brilliant one minute of socially distanced sport.
One of you must commentate on the action,
the other must provide analysis.
The best commentary on
the most brilliant socially distanced sport wins.
You have 15 minutes, your time starts now.
Would you like me to run the VT? Yes, please.
Let's just watch it for now. Run VT.
Oh, no, it's a football thing.
If you could all stand on a spot, that'd be great.
Welcome to the arena.
Everyone all right?
Yes. Lovely day.
It's like being on holiday in the '70s.
Play the most brilliant minute of socially distanced sport.
You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now.
OK, it's a double task, Greg. Hmm. Hmm. Explain what's going on there.
Yes, so first of all, they all get the task to do a minute
of socially distanced sport, the best minute,
and after they did that, they came back out again and got the task
to commentate on the sport they'd just done.
So it's a double task for you to judge.
All right. Here is the sport in its planning stages.
Can we play golf club boxing?
Which is where one person has a golf
and we stick that glove on
the end, and then we hit each other. You do what again?
You just beat somebody with a...?
I will be the referee. I would love to see you two swing it out.
What, hit each other on the head?
Of course. That's exhilarating. Very exhilarating to me.
You watch sport, don't you? You would physically...? I love sport.
Can you distil what's interesting about looking at it?
Some sort of expertise. Athleticism.
I might fall at that hurdle.
Moments of surprise. That I can do.
How do we decide who wins at the hitting match?
What if it's us trying to just hit him with many balls?
I don't know how you turned his around on me.
Come on. I'm coming. OK.
Yes! You've got to get things into that net,
I've got to stop them going in.
OK. That be fun?
Yes. But there's got to be surprises.
You said there should be surprises. So there's... Surprises are good.
Got to be surprises. GuzBall, GuzBall, GuzBall.
I just want to say this is very ironic, considering I initially
came up with a game that involved me not getting hit.
That's karma, boo.
If you get a goal, it's a point.
If I get it back over the net, it's a point. OK.
It is a pretty brilliant sport.
And prepare yourself for the element of surprise.
That's the planning stages, Greg.
Sorry, I'm just putting
a copyright on the phrase "That's karma, boo."
Some good TM merch.
Guz, you suggest you want to watch
two women hitting each other with golf clubs.
Not completely golf. I said like, "Put a boxing glove..."
Boxing gloves on the end of it. Oh, you, you're not a monster. Yeah.
With boxing gloves on the end of them. Um, your sport, er,
the main thing that struck me is that sometimes, Victoria,
you sound like a robot who's learning how to be a human.
"Could you please distil what's interesting about sport?"
Well, you said it's the most interesting sport,
so I said what's the thing that makes it interesting?
And we'll do that. I mean, to be fair,
Alan did distil it very quickly into three factors.
Ability, hand-eye coordination, surprise. That is sport.
Yeah. And, see, this is where I think I went wrong.
Because when I said surprise, I meant, you know,
the great sportsman will sometimes surprise their opponent
with an unexpected manoeuvre, bit of skill.
And I think Victoria thought I meant surprise as in a magician.
That's right, because the sports robot just loaded up
the word "surprise".
ROBOTIC: What a surprise.
Let's see how well I learned.
OK, well, we can look first of all at Alan
and Victoria commentating on Multi Sport.
ROBOTIC: Actuate.
Well, it's a magnificent afternoon, er, for sport.
We're looking at the competitors coming into the paddock now.
What do you think, they look ready?
Well, Multi Sport's fascinating, isn't it, Victoria?
With the option here to either score a goal against the cricketer,
or the cricketer hit the football over the tennis net.
Either way, it's a point each.
It promises a lot of excitement. Let's have a look at the action.
OK, your minute of sport begins.
Oh, Coren Mitchell's first up. She's lining up a shot.
Ah. Oh, she surprised him with a noise.
Ooh, nicely done. He's trying to get that back over the net there,
but it's a feeble attempt.
This time, the surprise is you have to remain within these cones.
No way. Oh, it's the cones. She's bringing in the element of surprise,
which is key, I recently learned, to sport. This is vengeful.
There's something bitter about this approach.
I mean, he really seems backed into a corner there. But really,
he's got no chance here. She must score.
He saved. Ooh, that's an exceptional save. And not quite a score,
but it keeps the scores level.
You're halfway through the minute of sport.
She's just put that into play. That's a gift.
Oh, and he's scored. Unbelievable goal.
Absolutely incredible.
Davies a goal up now. Wielding that bat happily.
Oh, she's going for the green ball. Easier to see.
Surprise number two, you've got to face in the other direction. What?
Coren Mitchell's made him turn around. Oh, she's got one in.
Is that legitimate? It's all legitimate. It's gloves off.
Surprise number three. Look down here.
Oh, she's inviting him to look down her top. He's not been distracted.
He's blocked it, it's into the net.
She's complaining to the referee, but what about? Five seconds.
It's the last seconds. If you let me get this in, I'll give you £5.
It's 1-1. And it's oh, my word, it's a winner.
She doesn't know. She hasn't seen it go in.
She doesn't know where the ball is. She doesn't know the rules. Go on.
It's a great game. Great game. It was a great game.
There was definitely the element of surprise in it.
My favourite element of surprise - agh!
Happy with Victoria making Alan look down her shirt?
I didn't make him. I shouted, "Look down here," and pulled it down.
He wasn't distracted at all.
That's why I was complaining to the referee. I was just...
Because he wouldn't stare down your top?
That's a lovely twist on
professional sport.
Referee, they were out.
It's the litmus test
for how much a man's really interested in sport.
All right, I'm calling time out.
Please come back soon to witness the birth of GuzBall.
Hello. Thank you for coming back to us.
Thank you so much, it means the world.
There's a whole lot of new sport going on.
We've had nonstop surprises with Multi Sport and now,
at last, let's play GuzBall!
Now, it's the finals here. It's really exciting.
There's quite a crowd. I don't know about you,
Rodders, but how you feeling about that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so,
this is a mental game more than it is a physical game.
I know it looks like you're just hitting balls, but really,
there's an underlying zen of hitting balls,
and sometimes a crowd gives you life
and sometimes it takes it from you.
The thing is, all day long,
I respect this very illustrious player over there,
more about the mental than the physical.
I've had my bollocks permanently damaged from this game,
so I'll put it out there. Yeah, but I mean, you know,
your balls can be damaged here,
but if your ball's damaged up here,
that's where the real problem comes in, man.
That's right. I say let's play the game.
Ooh, let's do this. I'm so excited, that's right.
Here we go. Your minute of GuzBall starts.
You see both players ready. Oh, and they're off.
Burch already in with the first point.
Great poise and balance there.
Oh, Robinson right there.
Khan there in the centre protecting the gold.
Yeah, what I draw respect to the amount of damage... Aye.
..to Khan in the middle there.
Children are something he can never enjoy.
You better look after your own bits. Ah. Ooh. Right in the nelly.
That's minus ten points there. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean,
you can tell by their stance that she feels like it was worth it.
If we keep an eye on Robinson, hey? She's got a reputation.
Outstanding player, but a dirty bastard.
She is quite a wild one when she's not on the pitch. That's for sure.
Ooh, simultaneous, that one. Yes. Guz, it's your turn, Guz.
Guz is quite arrogant. Yeah. He brings on that arrogance,
that swagger when he comes on to do the pitch.
It takes that arrogance to stand in the centre of the ring, you know?
Like nobody wants to be that guy, but everybody
looks up to that guy, right? Guz, you've got three more seconds.
I'll take it. Ooh, right through the legs.
Khan is shitting in it.
That's right. Where does this ball want to live?
Ooh, look at that. Dodged to perfection.
OK.
I've got to say, Burch is smashing this to pieces. Yeah.
This is a really shit game. Looks like it's going to be enough.
Yes. GuzBall champion.
Wow. Woo. Very exhilarating game of GuzBall there.
Thank you to Rodney and Rodders. Always a pleasure.
See you next week, if you like.
Aw, man.
I mean, I think Guz, with the greatest of respect,
summed up GuzBall as a sport. Just to himself quietly,
he said it's a really shit game at the end there.
But I think he might have a point.
But the commentary was sensational. Great.
It had it all.
It had a rock-solid regional anchor who I absolutely trusted.
Mm-hm. She was called Rod.
Then we had an ex-player, I presume? Yeah, Rodders. Rodders.
Rodders, quite bitter about his career.
Then the pretentious pundit on the end there. Rodney?
Unbelievable. Mm-hm.
I mean, no-one wants to be that guy,
but everyone looks up to that guy, right?
Am I wrong? Am I really wrong?
Yeah, do you ring the bell or not?
Well, you've got to judge the commentary
and you've got to judge the sport.
I enjoyed Multi Sport more as a sport,
but I preferred this dedicated team.
OK. So I think I'm going to have to give everybody the same points.
Level Neville. I'll just give them five points each.
Hooray.
Yay. That's what feels right. Woo. It feels right to me.
I want another task, and I want one now.
OK, coming right up,
and it's time to turn that frown upside down.
Lovely little cat. Oh, I see it through the window.
Ooh. Let me not break my face, though.
Smells like s spicy something, like Chinese five spice in here.
Oh. Well, that's not creepy, you looming in the window.
Good, is that more casual? Yes.
Task...
..Master.
Make your face look like another face when your face is
turned upside-down.
Make your face look like another face
when your face is turned upside down.
Most expressive and radically different upside down face wins.
Er...
You have 15 minutes. Your time starts now.
Is there a mirror? Would you like me to get you a mirror?
I'd like a mirror.
Can I assume anything I can find will wash off?
Definitely worth assuming that.
Well, I don't know what to do.
Is it interesting, isn't it?
During a task where you have to do
the most expressive upside face,
Alan employs the least expressive.
I was genuinely worried about him for a while. Right.
Right. First,
let's see them making their faces in
a sort of throwaway make-up tutorial.
Oh, hello. Hello. Cute.
You got moustaches?
That's going to happen.
Hang on. Right.
Holy schnikeys, there's all kinds of stuff in here.
So if that's a beard, this is my mouth, right? Wait.
You know what? 15 minutes passes way quicker than you think, OK?
Oh, my God, right, I'm going to try and do that.
But that needs to be upside down, right?
Well, are you going to be happy or sad? Let's find out.
It might be someone wearing a balaclava.
Googly eyes.
Six minutes left, Alan. OK.
So far you've stuck two eyes on your chin.
I'm not going to get much further than that either.
Look at that. Yeah. That's proper.
Yeah, that's a good shape. Are you putting glue all over you?
Yeah, I think that's going to be quicker.
That's not worked.
Hm. Going to need more smile.
Yeah, yeah.
Need to get me some...
Oh, I tell you what, I have to have a patch.
How does that look? It looks like you're holding a piece of paper.
Yeah, ignore the paper. Don't focus on the paper.
I'll try and not focus on the paper.
Yeah.
I mean, I think I'm done.
Yeah. Are my eyes moving?
How's that? I can't see the eye, the eyepatch, or the moustache.
Right, are you done? Yeah. OK.
You know, I pulled out the professional make-up.
Didn't even touch it.
I like it when logic gives away to a grown woman just throwing a handful
of googly eyes against her chin. You know when you've thrown enough shit
at the walls, something will stick. Something will stick.
Yes, slightly different technique to Alan.
Sometimes the backing music captures
an image perfectly,
and there was such a great sadness when
Alan was holding his two googly eyes against his chin,
and there was just one haunting violin string played across it.
And I'd love to resee it. Here we go.
I was... So beautiful. ..clearly waiting for the glue to dry.
Right, everyone, to see their upside-down makeovers,
you're going to have to come back in a few minutes. Wait!
Hello. It feels like part four. Is it part four, Alex?
It's part four, Greg,
and it's time to pop our casts heads off,
turn them 180 degrees, pop them back on,
and see how expressive they look.
Let's see all their upside-down faces.
Hi, Morgana. Hey.
How's it going? I'm good.
What have you guys been getting up to in here?
What is it? No idea.
Alex, I don't want to blow my own trumpet here, brother,
but I think your probably obsession with me is I'm quite cool.
OK.
Oh, I don't know what to do.
Oh, my God, it's brilliant.
So we can see any one of them again, Greg.
Well, I want to see them all again, obviously. Here are all five.
Oh, my God. Desiree just looks like Desiree.
Yeah.
Just looks like Desiree after she's been
a bit clumsy eating her breakfast.
Which is every morning.
So the mouth is the red bit, is that right?
Yeah. And then I tried to go around my actual nose
to use the holes, you know? It's like found poetry, right? Yeah.
And then, and then there's just some inconvenient eyeballs on my cheeks.
But she's justified the nostrils as found poetry, Greg.
Yeah, I heard that. I heard found poetry.
All right. Here's Guz. So his mouth, in case you're wondering,
is underneath the grey stuff on the top. His real mouth.
But you forget all about that, I think. Yeah. You really do.
I think he looks like a children's TV character that's
a friendly llama. Yeah. Mm. Yeah, I didn't say it had to be human.
It's expressive. Certainly isn't human.
Oh, man. OK, back to the five.
That's a work of art. So I sort of
want to know what Morgana's character got in her mouth.
That's Morgana's tongue. That's a great tongue.
She's got one of those tongues that extends out the back of her head.
Like a woodpecker.
What is your character going through emotionally do you think?
Utter turmoil, I think. Yeah. Turmoil.
Two left. This is Victoria's. Ooh. Yeah.
I feel you have to keep looking at it. It's like a magic eye picture.
It's really good actually.
Yeah, it's more expressive than you first think, isn't it? Yeah. Ooh.
It's a bit Jack Nicholson.
Any sort of backstory you
want to pop on there, Victoria, for us, or..?
Well, grossly a sort of deep professional regret, but the...
Spread out over ten weeks?
It's a contender.
Oh, OK. There's one left.
We took a few different shots of Alan.
That was when one of the eyes fell off,
so he turned it into an eyepatch. I mean, it looks to me
like a drunk man thrashing from a car park fight at this stage.
It's all kicked off out the back of the White Swan.
Alan, calm down, calm down.
Car park Alan.
At the very end of the montage,
there was one with both eyes on and a tongue poking out.
Yeah. Now this guy. This is before he's gone out.
It's an awful story. Look how happy he is.
"Can't wait to go out for a lovely pint?
"I hope I don't get the shit kicked out of me in
"the car park and lose an eye."
"I wonder if anyone will notice how close together my eyes are
"and take against me."
Well, Greg, you're going to have to judge these faces.
I am. Well, I think I'm marking pre-fight Alan...
"Alan, all right?" "Yeah."
It's pre-fight Alan.
The range of expressions in Victoria's, I think, needs
to be rewarded on this occasion. Right.
But tragedy of the story of Alan
means that his initial expression of hope...
I think I'm going to give them both five points.
Ooh. And I'm going to follow closely by old, old tongue neck.
OK, so four points to Morgana, is that right?
I'm going to give four, but I'm also going to give four points
to the menacing eyes of the smiling llama.
And then it's just Desiree left.
And then it's how big the gulf...
..between the others,
and old breakfast face.
I'm going to give Desiree, two sweet points. Two sweet points.
All right. Thank you. But it's five to Alan and Victoria. There it is.
Oh, what are the scores? Hi, Greg.
Well, Victoria's back to her traditional fifth place at
the moment, er, and in the lead,
it's Alan with 18, then Guz with 17. Oh. Lovely.
Right. can you please make your way to the stage for, guess what?
It's the final task of the show.
Hello? Hello. Hello? Hello.
Would you like someone to read the task? Yeah.
How about pre-fight Alan?
Yes, please.
"Pop up before the object, but only just.
"You are only allowed to pop up once.
"Closest to the pop before the pop wins the round.
"If you pop up after the object, you get no points that round."
There are going to be three rounds of best popper.
First of all, it's the toaster.
You've got to pop up before the toast, but only just. Ooh.
If you pop up after it, you don't get any points in that round.
If you pop up before it, the closest to the pop gets five points,
then four points, then three points, and then over the three rounds,
we'll work out who's the best popper.
Are we ready for round one? Let's pop.
OK, I'm going to pop down the bread
and it will pop up as perfect toast.
Good luck, everyone.
Genuinely quite tense.
I think we can safely say now that they have all popped up.
As slow as my toaster at home. I should've factored that in. Mm.
Ooh.
Aw, perfect piece of toast.
OK, you can all pop down onto your chairs again.
De-pop. Fine.
So Morgana popped up closest to the pop, but you all get points.
She did some lovely pop work.
Round two is the jack-in-the-box.
The Taskmaster will control the jack-in-the-box
and up it will pop. You must pop before the jack.
Oh, it's up! Hey.
That time, Victoria was the closest to the pop. Lovely popping.
Well done, Victoria. And now we come to round three.
The most tense of all the three rounds.
There is a giant balloon on that middle podium.
If you want to put on ear defenders,
they are under your chair. That's up to you. Get them on.
Me too. OK.
So please pop before the balloon, but only just.
Good luck. Greg, please start inflating the balloon.
It's already quite a big balloon, but it gets bigger.
I am genuinely shitting myself.
It's actually going to be quite a loud bang, isn't it?
I do think I'm going to scream.
Incredible play.
It's a big balloon now.
This is about to be horrific.
Whoa. Did you pop?
Oh, my. Desiree... You're still down. Yeah.
She was just about to pop. Ohh!
That was one big pop. Damn.
Please, join me down here, pop fans.
Goodness me, goodness me.
Desiree was so nearly beating the pop at the end, but she didn't,
so she got nought points in that last round.
She came last in the game as a whole.
So she gets two points because Alan
and Victoria came joint third,
they get three points each. Guz fourth,
but Morgana was amazing. She came first,
second, and first in the rounds, so she gets the full five points. Woo.
And that means, in the series,
Victoria has got to 100 points exactly.
Yes. Hooray.
And then Desiree on 119,
Alan and Guz both on 131, Morgana on 132.
Wow. Ooh. Two shows to go.
And it's no less tight in this particular episode
because Guz has 21 points,
Alan 21 points. We have joint winners.
Ooh.
I don't know what to do now.
I do. A tie-break. A really good tie-break. For this one,
they had to blow a feather across
a table as fast as possible.
But they could only blow it with their noses.
Snot as easy as it sounds. Let's see how they got on.
Alex, are you ready, baby?
I am. Just your nose. Good luck, Guz.
Thank you.
That's not a good technique.
Yes, I'm on the edge of my seat.
I know. It was tight.
Alan did it in 9.5 seconds
and Guz in 28.7 seconds, which means Alan wins.
Alan wins. Please go and pick up your repurposed prizes.
So what have we learnt today? Well, people have suggested,
because of the multitude of horrors we've seen over 12 series,
Alex and I have been left bereft of feeling.
Today, we found out categorically that is not true.
Very brave boys.
Brave boys. Bye for now,
and hooray again for Alan Davies. Thanks for watching. Goodnight.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media