Ha-ha! TYPEWRITER CLACKS
No way!
Er... Gosh!
Where's the hole?
Argh! Oh! Uuuurgh!
Are you having a laugh? TYPEWRITER DINGS
Ugh!
THEY GASP Argh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This program me contains strong language and adult humour
Hello. I am Greg Davies.
I am the Taskmaster, and this is Taskmaster.
It's been said that nothing in life that's worth having is easy,
and yet I find it takes no effort to get ready for this,
and I am one hot tamale.
LAUGHTER
Let's watch our less fortunate guests...
CHUCKLING ..work for little reward.
They are Ardal O'Hanlon... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Bridget Christie... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Chris Ramsey... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
judi Love... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
and Sophie Duker. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, a man whose only facial expression
is that of a baffled hare.
It's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
Fact time? Yeah, I'm going to tell you some things about me.
A couple of facts, and 've... ... I think they're also jokes.
LAUGHTER OK.
I support Liverpool Football Club. Mm. Yeah.
I'm a die-hard fan.
So, there we go. I like both Liverpool and the movie Die Hard.
LAUGHTER
And the other one — Here are some things I don't like.
HE SIGHS Omelettes, orchids.
So, that's it — Just omelettes or children.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, Prize Task time.
Yes, you bet your bloody life it is, Greg.
And this time they've been asked to bring in the most calming item.
Ah. Ah. So chill right now.
The most calming item will get its owner five points,
and at the end of the show, the overall winner will take home
five calming items and become all relaxed and floppy.
LAUGHTER
Bridget. Hello. What makes you relaxed and floppy?
Um, I've brought in a cat-cafe voucher.
Here's the voucher.
LAUGHTER
Dogs and cats are used to help people
with post-traumatic stress order. Mm—hm.
I heard a war surgeon talking on Desert Island Discs explaining.
Keep it light.
LAUGHTER
He went to meet the queen, and she said, "I can help you."
She called the corgis and got him to stroke them,
and he was absolutely fine.
LAUGHTER Oh. Make a point, uh...
No, no, no, I haven't finished yet.
LAUGHTER CHRIS: Love it.
Hang on, cos I know what you're going to say.
SHE SPEAKS IN AN IRISH ACCENT "But it's not a cat. It was a dog."
Anyway... LAUGHTER
Well, I've been to a cat cafe, and it didn't relax me.
It's probably my own fault for bringing my pet budgie
and my pet goldfish with me. LAUGHTER
Right, I'm going to move on.
Judi, what thing have you brought in
that would make me relaxed and floppy?
I brought a lovely fish water fountain. Here it is.
It looks pretty stressful for the fish.
LAUGHTER And the fish aren't real.
No, it's relaxing.
And you can lie at night-time
and listen to the water trickling along.
Could you try and recreate the sounds that you would hear?
♪ Grrr—ah—grrr... ♪ LAUGHTER
♪ Ha—rrrrrrrr—ah... ♪
Oh, the fish are gargling, are they? Yes.
LAUGHTER
♪ Brrrrrrrrr—rrrrrrrrr. ♪
It makes me more relaxed than the idea of a war vet
stroking one of the queen's corgis. Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
LAUGHTER Two down, Greg.
Ardal? Uh, I brought in, a tea towel.
Woo! LAUGHTER
Here is the tea towel.
LAUGHTER
Instantly calming.
Well, here's the thing.
I sort of do find tea towels quite calming.
But why do you find it calming?
Well, it's like a little... a little comfy blanky.
LAUGHTER
It's also great if you want to make a baby laugh,
which is very relaxing.
As we all know, sound of babies' laughter is probably the most
beautiful sound known to human people. Mm. It is nice.
And all you need is a tea towel
and a baby, obviously, but... LAUGHTER
"Hello." LAUGHTER
You know.
Argh!
And it works brilliantly every time. LAUGHTER
Chris?
I have brought an aquarium. Ooh.
Mm. Here is the aquarium from Chris.
So, this is just a visual representation
of the aquarium, but the one I'm offering you
is the one from my home, which is 64 litres.
LAUGHTER
Give me some stats.
No, it is. LAUGHTER
64 litres. I think it's 30—odd fish points.
Fish points? Certain-size aquariums have got certain-size points.
Certain amount of points, and each fish is worth a couple of points.
What'll do it for me,
cos you did a very nice impression of yours,
perhaps Chris could reproduce the sound that his makes.
Bop-bop—bop—bop—bop—bop—bop. LAUGHTER
Brrrrrup—brup—brup—brup—brup—brup,
brup-brup-brup—brup—brup...
Right, good. Stop. I'll just imagine Bridget's.
Meow! Yah! Aaaargh! LAUGHTER
All right, good. Sophie, hello. Hello.
Can you give something that's actually relaxing?
I've brought an access—all—areas massager.
And here... Ooh! ..it is.
Yeah. Oh! LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So, this is a... it's a personal massager. Uh-huh. I know what it is.
I've named... OK. LAUGHTER
Um, and I just think, like, muscles get tired. Mm.
People get het-up. Yeah? So, so you need vibrations. Mm.
For your back, for your cheek... Yeah.
Or anywhere else you can think of. LAUGHTER
Right. Well, there we go. We've seen all five. OK.
Forgive me, Bridget. The cat cafe, I did not find in any way relaxing.
OK, so one point to Bridget.
Um, secondly, judi's rubbish plastic, uh, fish fountain.
LAUGHTER OK. Two points to you, Judi.
♪ Brrrrrrrrr-rg. ♪ LAUGHTER
I'm going to give the sex aid three points. OK,
I think you should ask the women in here if they would find it relaxing.
Yes.
I'm as surprised as you that I found
a dildo less relaxing than a tea towel.
LAUGHTER I'm surprised... surprised as you.
As I haven't seen Chris's fish tank,
I have to take his word that it's relaxing
and he's getting four points just on his description.
But I am actually going to give a tea towel five points.
LAUGHTER
And that's an end to it. APPLAUSE
OK, five points to Ardal O'Hanlon. Well done.
Let's get the first task started, please, Alex.
OK then, Greg. And we're off to the Taskmaster house,
where things are not as "cement" to be.
HE MOUTHS SI LENTLY
GRINDING
Do you want it to stop? No.
Right.
Use the cement mixer for something other than mixing cement.
Best use of a cement mixer, other than mixing cement, wins.
Your time starts when Alex does an impression of you.
HE SPEAKS IN A BAD GEORDIE ACCENT I'm Chris Ramsey.
LAUGHTER
Time hasn't started yet then.
I'm af... 'm afraid it has.
Where are you from? Gloucester.
HE SPEAKS IN A WEST COUNTRY ACCENT Taskmaster. Are you joking?
Hi, babes.
LAUGHTER
OK, well, that is so me.
I haven't thought about this one.
SHE LAUGHS
Oh. Thanks a million. HE LAUGHS
OK. And, and we're off. OK. Right.
I'm furious.
Are you? Yeah.
Why? Because you're not doing an impression of me.
I'm going to do an impression of you. I'm building up to it. OK.
But you're finding it really hard. Yes.
Pretend you went to like an all girls school. Ah, I can do this.
See? Hello, hun.
Wow. OK, so are you, like, going to play, like, lacrosse?
OK, give me a lacrosse stick. Do you know how to play lacrosse?
Yes. OK.
I'm Sophie Duker.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Shall we give you a second chance with your Sophie impression?
No, I don't think so.
I mean, it was pathetic. Yes. Yeah. Well, I can't do impressions.
You did everyone else. You did four impressions.
Did everyone else fine, and they all knew it was them,
and then when it came to Sophie, you went, "Oh—ho, hello."
LAUGHTER "I'm a girl." Yeah.
Speak a little bit so he can have another go. OK.
Yeah, this is me. OK. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, yeah, this is me speaking.
Yeah, this is me speaking. Yeah.
I can't do impressions. What? I can't do it. I can't do it.
Ah. It's quite here in the voice.
Quite nasal? Yeah. Is this a compliment?
LAUGHTER
Hello. LAUGHTER
Think we should get on. Let's get on. OK. Get on.
Let's start with two very different approaches
from two very similar people.
It's Ardal and Judi. Here we go.
So, this is my salon. FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS
You've been to the hairdresser.
They wash your hair, they don't do a good job.
They leave shampoo in it.
And I feel that this will give everything
a really, really good churn.
I think it will thoroughly clean the hair.
CLOCHE DINGS
Hello, hello, hello.
I'd like a drink, please. You want some juice of Love?
Love juice? Yes, please.
OK, OK.
I mean, ideally you would have the cement mixer plumbed.
Plumbed? But we didn't really have time to do that,
so we're going to do it the old—fashioned way.
So, Linda, if you don't mind, I'm going to, yeah, just put...
LAUGHTER Oh.
Get that a bit closer.
Ah, she's complete... she's in. She's in.
It's a lovely atmosphere in the Love Bar.
What? It's a lovely atmosphere. MIXER GRINDS
Yeah.
I'm just going to shampoo it with the best shampoo I could find.
And is Linda... Linda's happy, is she? She is happy, yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
MIXER GRINDS
Woo! Woo!
This is what gives it that Love juice,
cos it's got my nails in it. Mm. LAUGHTER
Cherry on the side. Lovely.
All right, Linda. Here we go.
LAUGHTER It's OK.
This is all... this is all part of the... part of the plan.
So, hair reunited with Linda. LAUGHTER
There you go, babes. Well, thank you very much.
Thank you. How much do I owe you?
17 quid each.
£34? Yeah.
It's like a normal London bar, babes.
So, now I'm just going to put a tiny colour in it.
Oh, lovely.
LAUGHTER OK. There we go.
APPLAUSE
Well, I think we can deal with judi's quite quickly.
She tossed a few drinks into a cement mixer,
poured it out, and made you drink it.
How, was it?
Disgusting.
That's not what you said. No, because you were there.
That's not what you...
Well... I was scared. Look... ..I'm here now.
LAUGHTER But I'm next to my big man.
LAUGHTER
You won that argument, definitely.
Look, come on, you know what this world is like.
Anything and everything can be a bar.
I could imagine a bar like that. Yeah.
It is a sort of... You could imagine some prick...
Of course! In Shore ditch or somewhere like that.
Some prick coming up with it, yeah. Know what I mean?
Oh, welcome to the Cement Mixer Bar. Fuck. This is what I'm...
Fuck you, you hipster pricks.
Top idea.
Ardal, what was the blue stuff you sprayed in
the client's hair afterwards?
That was, like, one of those Frubes.
Why did you put a Frube in her hair?
Is a question I never thought I'd ask anyone.
She wanted a colour, so I
picked the nearest, like, colour that I thought she'd like.
Probably needs a little fine-tuning.
I'm so sorry to bring the mood down,
but we need to fuel this madness via consumerism now.
That's the end of part one!
Hello! Here we are again.
It's part two, and it's time for some more cement mixer action.
Yes, but that action cannot under any circumstances involve cement
mixing, OK? I'm deadly serious, guys,
and that's because the best use for a cement mixer,
other than for mixing cement, wins the task.
We've seen two people's attempts.
Now we're going to see two other people's attempts.
It's Bridget and Sophie.
Even though we've been working together for
a certain amount of time,
we don't really know or like each other very much.
Pardon? So, I thought that a good way to counteract that,
I've put together some ice—breakers.
They're going to be mixed around by the cement mixer,
and then we can find out a little bit more about you.
Right, shall I give it a mix?
Yeah.
Around it goes.
Ahh!
What are we doing to our planet?
We've only got one.
Stop ruining it.
Isn't that a horrible...?
It's come out. Oh, OK! All right.
It's self—selected something.
Blue. It's a compliment.
Mm-hm.
"You have kind eyes."
Thank you.
Right. Well, that was machine. Can we have another go?
Yeah. OK.
Elon Musk,
stop sending your cars and stuff up into space.
It's not what space is for.
Just keep them on your drive.
I've got a compliment and a question.
Ah, right.
"You smell familiar."
Compliment?
Yeah, thank you. Yeah.
Which previous Taskmaster contestant would you raise as your own child?
Hugh Dennis. Great.
And all the bottles in the seas and in all the fields
and gardens, stop it!
"Why don't you believe in yourself?"
Good news?
"You're going to die.
"Sooner than you think."
Ah. Yeah.
Well, I was thinking 2050?
No! No. No, you're going to be long dead before then.
Hmm. I liked the first couple.
Yeah. OK.
Bve-Bye-bye.
Believe in yourself.
Should I tell you what I saw?
I saw a lunatic dressed as a cowboy playing one note on
a violin.
Talk me through the rhyming scheme.
Was there a rhyme?
No.
So, she did try to use
the cement mixer as a musical instrument...
Yeah... and a metaphor.
I think you'll find that that's
going to be a cult number one hit.
Oh, God!
I don't think you can have a cult number one hit.
Anyway, let's you off the hook a bit.
Yeah. I mean, what, yours was just mad.
I just think there's not enough space for tenderness on this show.
Ooh.
"You're going to die soon?"
We're all going to die soon.
What a weird collection!
"Which contestant would you make your child?"
"Why don't you believe in yourself?" It's just insane.
I mean, it's not as insane as someone plucking on a violin
and saying "stop it".
Who's left?
There is just one little sausage left, and it's Christopher Ramsey.
WESTERN MUSIC
Welcome to the sausage arena.
Thank you.
Your sausage is on the red stick and ribbon.
My sausage is on the blue stick and ribbon.
Matching with the headbands that I've made.
Now, the first person to swallow
a piece of their sausage, and only their sausage,
wins.
Goggles on.
You ready? Are you set?
I'm set.
Spin those sausages.
WESTERN SHOWDOWN MUSIC
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER
I'm too scared.
Ahh!
UV“!
Ahh! Does it hurt?
No, it's OK. It's OK.
It's so fast.
It's so much faster than I thought it would be.
Ahh!
Oh, God!
Oh, no, I've lost it!
Why can't I get it?
I swallowed some sausage.
I don't know anyone who wouldn't want to play sausage mixer.
It was like a roller-coaster with the sausages coming at you.
So, for, like...
Rarely have I seen a sausage go from still
to accelerating that fast.
Yeah, well, I've Googled it.
I don't think anyone has ever done that before. I can't...
Of course they haven't.
This is what I think I've got to do.
I've got to draw a gulf between the greatest idea...
Mm-hm... and the others.
Oh. So, I'm going to give Ardal and Sophie one point.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah.
Cos it's a very worthy cause and powerful message,
I'm going to give Bridget two points.
I'm going to give judi,
because she's a great saleswoman
and I could imagine some bell end in
East London doing that, three points.
Then I'm leaving a gulf,
and then I'm giving
the sausage machine the five points it truly deserves.
Wow.
OK, thank you very much.
So, may we see a scoreboard, please?
Bridget is at the bottom of the leader board with three.
Chris is at the top with nine points.
Ooh. There it is.
Then let us have another one.
Yes, and there's something strange afoot in our little garden dome.
Yes, Sophie.
Hey. Hello.
You may enter the fun zone.
Ooh, thank you.
Very echoey.
SHE SINGS
Thank you. That's enough.
OK.
OK. "Record the highest number on this pedometer."
"You have 20 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
I'm presuming this is the pedometer and not that.
OK, firstly, what is a pedometer?
So, a pedometer counts your steps.
OK.
Do I have to do it in here?
All the information's on the task, Chris.
You've not seen a pedometer before, no?
No... no, I didn't. I never want to see one again.
Have you never heard of a pedometer?
No, I've got, like, the watch and stuff.
I'm not used to the old techy stuff.
So, you're not used to the old techy stuff,
and you're not used to the new techy stuff?
I get carried everywhere.
Let's crack on. OK, well, it's a fairly classic Taskmaster task.
I think first up, it's the basic guys, Ardal and Chris.
So, I need to find something that takes a lot of steps.
I could put the pedometer on the foot—shaped thing.
OK.
Come on, man!
It is warm in here.
Ooh, it burns.
Oh, my God!
Oh, it's so hot!
I mean, I just can't wait to see the others.
Like, they're just going to be running around like fools.
Ooh, this is horrible!
Hmm, maybe I'll just pop out here.
It doesn't say on there that I've got to stay in here.
I cannot stay in here.
Ooh!
Ooh, that... I don't know why I did that!
No, that was your choice.
And if I do this, is that better?
Do you think you're taking more or fewer steps?
I'm going to check now. OK.
Oh, that's quite good.
Like your... Like a yoyo.
That helps.
What's it on now?
It's 172.
Is there a limit on this?
It doesn't go beyond a certain number.
I think it'll go beyond 172.
It's 200 probably.
Come on!
Absolutely dripping.
WHISTLE
Congratulations.
Ooh!
Ooh, look at that!
I'm worried about your health.
Ooh, thank you so much!
It was so hot.
Chris, why did you commit to the system that you chose?
Walking around, I feel I would've been more tired.
I don't... I think...
I would've had to have been, like, sprinting on the spot,
whereas I've only... I was only moving my hand.
Give me some stats for Chris's loose wrist system.
Yeah. Well, the loose wrist system was very clever.
He actually managed to do 2,789 steps in just 20 minutes,
which is very impressive. Wow.
So, about a mile and a third in 20 minutes.
Ooh, Chris, you're getting on my nerves.
Ardal... Yes?
Interesting decision to use
a wooden foot only in that you have a real foot.
I have a real foot. I mean,
I didn't want to run around in the heat.
I feel I've done the world
a service by showing that you can get your steps in every day without
actually having to move.
He'd only done 172 after ten minutes,
but he sped up. He got to 1,084 steps. Respectable.
So, he managed to get past the 200 limit.
Yeah.
We've seen a lot. Let's have a break.
If your partner's fallen asleep
and is snoring next to you, why not have a bit of fun...
and leave them?
We'll see you after the break.
Hello there, and welcome back to Taskmaster!
What was happening before the break, Alex?
There's a task in play in which they're trying to record
the highest number on the pedometer provided.
We've had the root one masters, Ardal and Chris.
Now for some alternative step-making with Judi and Sophie.
What can I strap this to?
A bike.
No, but then I've got to ride it.
Mm-hm.
Do you have a WY“?
No.
Can I get a drill, please?
I'll get you a drill.
That's not helping!
Ooh...
Ooh!
A dog. Can you get me a little puppy?
Put it on the puppy, the puppy can run up and down.
I can get you a rat.
I don't want a... A rat? What kind of rat?
A remote control rat.
Yes!
This is so much better.
Oh, shit.
Ah! No!
That's it, that's it. Just go round, just keep going round... Oh...
Ah!
Fuck...
Wheels go up and down.
Oh, that was so much cooler in my head.
Ten seconds.
Wait!
WHISTLE
That's a really hard task, that was.
Yeah. Thanks, Judi.
No!
Yeah.
I can't believe I got 480—something.
Well, I'm amazed you got that many, to be honest.
Cos for the vast majority of it,
you just put it on the back of a remote control car,
where it would've gotten no steps...
Uh... because it's a car.
I think that was a set-up.
It was Alex that told me I've got you a remote control.
Well, you kept asking for a dog, and I offered you a rat.
So, look what I was asking for — a dog that actually steps.
Mm.
Another conspiracy theory.
Sophie's ideas were a little more successful.
You saw from the prize task, I love power tools. I got a drill.
Did that drill work when it was whizzing around?
Yes... Yes. Did that add?
Yeah, she got into the thousands. You got into the thousands?
What did judi get?
483.
Sophie, 1,209.
And she didn't expend as much energy as Chris.
And she looked cool and powerful throughout.
That's what she said.
Oh, that's what she said?
480... Yeah.
I am so pissed off.
You used a remote control rat.
One left, Greg. One left, let's go.
Finally, it's Bridget. All by herself.
Whoopsie, oh, no.
It's not moving.
Well, you haven't taken any steps.
I have. I just did some.
Do you think you're stepping?
I am stepping. Look.
Step. Step, step, step. That is a step.
Well, you're not going very far forward.
I don't want to do this for 20 minutes.
Try going forward.
23!
But you're keeping very still.
What do you mean?
What, I've got to move around like that?
No, I think you just got to take...
It's still on 84.
But you haven't taken any normal steps.
Oh, my God!
That's it.
Oh. So, what I'm going to do is record
the biggest number that
I know whilst on this pedometer.
OK.
I'm looking forward to this number. Are you writing it down?
I don't need to write it down. OK.
Because you're recording it.
A trillion gazillion.
Have you thought of 2 trillion gazillions? Are you stopping there?
11 trillion gazillion.
OK.
How much longer is left?
You're not wearing it.
I don't need it because I've got the number.
OK, 139.
If you say it's 139, I'm... You're going to...
I'm... I don't mind, actually.
I'm just really happy in life. I don't mind.
Thank you, Bridget.
It's not a question I expected to ask after this task,
but have you ever walked?
If I walked normally, it wouldn't count.
That's cos you were holding it. You were holding it.
What do you mean if you walked normally it wouldn't count?
If I just did that, it wouldn't... How do you know?
But if I did that, then... You didn't do that at any point.
You just did this.
At no point did you attempt to walk.
I did. And you were getting exasperated with him.
"Oh, I suppose I should walk like this, then."
Fascinating, Bridget.
Well, I did record the most amount of steps on a pedometer.
And it wasn't even about steps.
The task itself was, "Record the highest number on this pedometer."
She was on the pedometer, and she recorded 11 trillion gazillion.
That's a very high number.
11 trillion is a number. Gazillion, not so much.
But it is a high number.
And was she on a pedometer at the time?
Yes. Oh, my God.
LAUGHING
So there's some quite contrasting numbers.
Yeah.
We go from Judi with 483, Ardal about 1,000,
Sophie 1,200, Chris 2,789,
Bridget's either 11 trillion gazillion or 139.
I mean, fair play. I think she has done it.
Oh, my God. I think... LAUGHTER
I think I'm going to have to, uh, allow it,
and it's very clever lateral thinking.
But I would remind you of how she walks day to day.
If it gives you a little lift.
I got beaten by someone recording a number on...
No, you got beaten by everyone.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So it's one point to Judi, two to Ardal,
three to Sophie, four to Chris, and five to Bridget Christie.
There it is!
What is next, my furry chum?
Thank you. We have a task which involves all 40 contestants.
You look very comfortable.
Well, I don't feel very comfortable.
Hold a meeting with yourselves.
There must be eight of you at the meeting.
Most dramatic meeting moment wins.
You have 20 minutes, your time starts now.
Right, so seven other mes.
What sort of meeting do you think you might do?
I think I'll have a meeting of the tennis club.
Are they quite dramatic?
This one's going to be very dramatic.
What I instantly thought of was, like, your death.
My death? Mm—hm. Right.
APPLAUSE
Pretty straightforward. Meetings with a dramatic moment in them.
Yes. And one of them will result in your death.
Yes, second time in the show.
Couldn't be happier? There's quite a nasty...
It wasn't cos I, like, wanted him to die.
I just thought what would be the saddest, most dramatic thing
to happen to the show? Ooh. OK, that's better.
Nah, it'd just be collateral damage. Let's crack on.
OK, well, let's crack on with some Chris Ramseys.
This is his meeting moment.
So, I'm sure you all know why we're here.
Some chocolate has been stolen, and it was one of you greedy pricks.
We're going to find out who.
SNORING I don't like to point fingers
and I don't agree with any of this, and I'm not going to rat anyone out.
It's just not my style.
Oh, if there was something in this, I'd throw it at you.
Chris, you've been very quiet.
What?
What's all this?
See?
Mm. See?
Have I got any chocolate on my face?
APPLAUSE
I'm not... Genuinely not sure what the dramatic moment was.
Aw. All of it.
There may not have been an especially dramatic moment in it,
but there was some rather quality acting. Can you show the clip?
Yeah, OK, here's some acting from Chris.
Oh, God.
LAUGHING
You've never met Carl, but that's bang on.
There was a start, there was a group of different characters,
there was some of the greatest acting you'll see on a screen
this year, so it wasn't a complete disaster.
I can't say there was especially high drama.
I don't know... Why's it still on?
Let's crack on, who's next? OK, the bar is set.
We're now going to see a few Bridgets. Here we go.
Glutinous? Yeah. Guilty? Yeah.
Scared?
Annoyingly self-deprecating? Overly sensitive?
Vain?
Shame?
Great. Thanks for coming, guys, very brave and honest of you. Good work.
Glutinous,
just have two biscuits and then put the packet back.
Guilty, Catholic, I'm afraid I can't help you there.
Scared, you know what, what's the worst that can happen?
Just do it. Overly sensitive, you know what,
be sensitive. Uh, just not overly.
Annoyingly self-deprecating,
you've got to stop this cos it annoys everybody.
Some things you've done have been all right.
Vain, you'd think now, by 50,
you would've got on top of this.
Just... That's... You can't change it now.
Shame.
But thanks for coming everyone, though. Really, I don't
want to get rid of any of you cos you make me me.
Just try and get on top of it a little bit.
APPLAUSE
It's certainly very clever idea to... Mm... look inwardly
and to consider the many facets of your own character.
Uh, the only dramatic moment in it, as far as I could work out,
was when a bird flew past the camp.
LAUGHTER
There was... I think what I did was I didn't...
I should've overacted, uh...
Oh, the mistake you made was that you didn't do the task.
Yeah. Yeah.
Who's next?
Next we're going to see the impressionist Sophie Duker.
Good luck, everyone.
BARKING
Dog! Right, we all know why we're here.
Because my worthless assistant, little Alex Horne, is dead.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Oh, no, I cannae believe it.
Murdered.
Yes, murdered. So who did it?
Babe, not me.
I definitely didn't do it.
Oh, all right, I killed your assistant.
But only because he was so annoying.
Bridget, Bridget, Bridget,
you have killed the Taskmaster's assistant,
and in so doing,
you have proved yourself worthy to be
the next Taskmaster's assistant.
Take this clipboard and this pen.
And welcome to Taskmaster.
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Is that... Is that OK?
Yeah, good. Wow.
Some lovely character work.
Chris Ramsey... Mm. Nailed it.
Absolutely spot-on.
And the moment of high drama?
Uh, when, uh,
Bridget caught the clipboard.
An aerial passage of power... Yeah... of Taskmaster...
There was an aerial passage of powers... to the new TMA.
First place so far?
Oh, God, yeah. OK. Good stuff.
Don't worry, everybody, there's only one part left until somebody has
to celebrate on stage with Ardal O'Hanlon's tea towel.
Are you not entertained? See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Hello, welcome back for the final time this episode.
Before the break, our cast were all having meetings with themselves.
Yes, there had to be eight of themselves in the meeting
and the most dramatic meeting moment wins.
We're off to the tennis club now with Ardal O'Hanlon.
SOBBING
OK, settle down. As chairman,
I'd like to call this meeting to order.
SOBBING Before we go any further, chairman,
some gob shite's blocking the Bentley.
Oh, I'm so sorry. That's me. Excuse me.
Uh, I just want to say, chairman, the greens are in a terrible state.
I'm sorry. This is the tennis club.
Oh, tennis club, I shouldn't be here. Silly me.
Well, well, good riddance. Your backhand was terrible.
Well, Mr Chairman, I think it's time I revealed my true identity.
I'm an undercover police officer.
And I'm arresting you for embezzlement and murder.
More importantly, I'm resigning from the club.
APPLAUSE
Wow. Dramatic.
Crazy drama. A lot going on.
It seems that embezzlement was a far bigger crime than murder.
Embezzlement! And murder. Yeah. LAUGHTER
It's extra drama. Little bit extra.
Who was the character that was crying?
That was the...
That was the treasurer because...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Very good. Yeah, there was a golf player in the wrong club.
I was excited by that. Oh, my God. Someone had to move the Bentley.
Was he doing the wrong sport? Yeah. I almost spat my tea. Who's next?
All right, there's only one left.
Finally, it must be Love. Here she is.
Um, some of us have joined this meeting
because we've got a bit of an issue with Billy.
Um, Mrs Mitch am, do you want to lead?
I mean, Billy is an absolute twit.
Excuse me, I'm not happy about you speaking bout my husband like this.
Oi, Siobhan! You're calling me a twit,
but I bet you didn't tell him you're having my baby.
I knew it. I knew it, cos I saw them the other day.
Remember when I phoned you the other day, you're sitting there all quiet
and recording, but I saw you the other day,
and I was telling you that I saw him.
And her.
Billy, no!
APPLAUSE
Wow. Bag of dramas.
Bags of drama.
Affairs, stealing people's men, gossiping.
Was there a troublesome child?
The troublesome child is in the belly.
I mean, with that, you'd want to see what happens next, wouldn't you?
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
All right, do you want to go from least dramatic to most dramatic?
I do. Sorry, Bridget, I really enjoyed your self-analysis,
but there wasn't a lot of drama in it,
so I can only give you one point. Right. OK.
Chris, that's one of the greatest acting performances
I've ever seen in my life. You take that home with you tonight.
Plus two points. Two points.
Um, there was one moment of high drama in it,
and I very much liked it,
and I enjoyed the image of you being hurt. Oh.
Sophie gets three points.
Sophie three, OK, so it's between Judi and Ardal.
Just because of the sheer stoking of hysteria thatjudi pulled off,
I think I'm going to give her the five.
Oh, my God!
Judi's won a task. Five points to Judi Love.
APPLAUSE
Finally!
Let's have a quick look at the scores.
Of course. Well, Ardal's now in second place with 12,
but Chris is still in the lead with 15 points.
APPLAUSE
OK, everyone, please, for a change,
stay where you are for the final task of the show.
Ooh.
Who will read the task?
I've hidden the task under one of their chairs.
Chris's chair. GREG GASPS
He's acting. LAUGHTER
He's there. Now, that's acting. That's acting.
"Correctly guess this person's first name.
"You must ask a yes or a no question on your turn.
"If you take more than ten seconds to ask your question,
"you miss a go. The person who guesses correctly wins five points."
Simple as that. So there's only one winner of this one.
We're going to start with Ardal, move down the line.
Rotate!
APPLAUSE
Ooh.
Ardal, your ten seconds start now.
Are you a French trapeze artist?
No.
I mean, what sort of fucking opener was that?
LAUGHTER
Bridget. ls your name Andrew?
No.
God Almighty.
LAUGHTER
Chris, your turn.
Does your name begin with a vowel?
No.
Thanks, Chris.
Judi.
Has one of the royals got your name?
No. Damn it.
Sophie.
Is your name longer than four letters long?
Yes. Good question.
OK. Ardal.
Does your name begin with a letter that starts after K?
LAUGHTER
Yes.
Bridget. ls your name gender—neutral?
No. Chris.
Does your name begin with an S?
No.
Judi. ls your name Pimpernickel?
LAUGHTER
No.
Is your name more than three syllables?
No.
Ardal. Does your name begin with any of the last five letters
of the alphabet? No.
Oh. Ah, nice. Good.
OK, we're making progress.
Q. R, S, T...
Bridget. ls your name embarrassing?
No. Chris.
Is your name Luigi?
No. judi.
Is your name Quantum?
ALEX: She's pointing.
Is your name Quantum?
No. LAUGHTER
Sophie. Do you think it's likely there's someone else
in this room with your name? No.
For those of you wondering, the answer is, yep,
we're staying here till we get it.
LAUGHTER
English?
Sportsperson? Leonardo.
German? Famous in the UK?
Xavier. Barrick. Tiger.
Obama. Double letters in it?
A verb? Zebedee?
Begin with an O? Shakespeare?
End with a vowel? No.
Is your name Maximus? Vlad? Ludwig. German?
No. No. No. No.
Listen, it's not up to me, but I would suggest
it would be a good thing to do to find out
which letter his name begins with. LAUGHTER
Ardal.
Uh, it, yeah, does it be... HE STAMMERS
Does your letter...
Does your name begin with... BUZZER
Oh, my God!
Sorry.
OK, let's go again. Bridget.
M? No.
Thank you. I? No.
N? No.
Q? Yes.
Now, listen, this is a genuine chance for Ardal here.
Is your name Quinney? LAUGHTER
No. Shit.
Bridget. Quasimodo.
No.
Chris. Quantus.
No.
Judi. Quiz. No.
It's not Quiz.
And just, by the way, this is the 75th question.
Sophie.
Is your name Quentin?
Yes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, five points, finally, to Sophie.
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Quentin. Your task is complete.
Goodbye.
How has that affected the final scores, Alex?
Well, that swift game of Guess The Name
meant that Sophie leapt up in the places
and she's now in joint first place with Chris Ramsey.
APPLAUSE
Exciting. A tie-breaker.
There is a tie-breaker, and for this one, they had to sing "I've won"
in a low voice, and then "this tie—break" in a high voice.
Greatest vocal range wins.
Here's how they got on.
SOPHIE SIGHS, GRUNTS
See, I'm a Geordie, so when I get angry, high goes...
HIGH PITCH: high when I get angry.
Ahh. Ah.
0K, OK. CLEARS THROAT
SHE SQUEAKS OK.
DEEP VOICE: ♪ I've... ♪
DEEP VOICE: ♪ Won... ♪
HIGH VOICE: ♪ This... ♪
HIGH VOICE: ♪ Tie—break. ♪
WHISTLE BLOWS
Bye. APPLAUSE
Thank you, Chris.
Manage to get that furball out eventually?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just... GREG GROWLS
Well, they both did very well.
Chris went from an F2 to an F5. That's 21 notes.
Sophie from an A2 to an E6.
As we all know, that's 25 notes.
APPLAUSE
Sophie Duker wins.
Please head up to coolly collect your calming items.
APPLAUSE
Woo!
So what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that you've go to look after yourself,
take care to look after you.
Get out there, exercise.
Actually, that reminds me, I'm still ten steps short of my target
for today, so if you don't mind...
LAUGHTER
And now for some celebrations with tonight's winner, Sophie Duker.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media