This programme contains strong language and adult humour
BELL RINGS Good evening.
Argh! SLURPS LOUDLY
Argh! Ah!
HE VOCALISES
I trained at RADA.
What have I created?!
So sorry.
How we laughed.
Ahh!
Huh?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everybody, I'm Greg Davies, and this is Taskmaster.
I hope you don't mind, but I thought I'd take this opportunity to
quickly answer some of the questions from members of the public.
Here we go. Do I watch the show back?
No, my physical decline is deeply upsetting to me.
Do I wear those socks by choice?
No, I don't, it's a novelty format point forced upon me
by those more excited by contrived broad eccentricity.
Three - is Alex actually tall?
No, he's just over five foot.
Four - why do I keep insulting him?
Because he's had a soft upbringing,
and it has made him weak.
Now, questions over,
let's ask some more pertinent ones.
Who are the five chosen ones who will dance through
the fire of Olympic-level endurance this week?
Ha, I'll tell you! They are Julian Clary...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Lucy Beaumont... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Sam Campbell... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Sue Perkins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Susan Wokoma! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And sitting next to me,
a man who once privately told me that if it was up to him,
Scotland would be physically sawn off from the UK
and floated into the North Sea - to quote him,
"We'll soon find out how much they want independence
"when all they've got to eat is shortbread." It's...
HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, I'm very busy at the moment. Phew!
I got asked to, er, do the Christmas lights in Chesham, where I live.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
So, I put them up. Put them up.
Store them in my spare room... Yeah. ..where I was sleeping,
so I'm now in the living room.
Yeah. And, er, Russell Grant's turning them on.
Good. OK, let's move on to the prize task.
Yes, please! I'm on it, you big, bad boy.
And today, you've asked them to bring in the best sign.
The best sign will get five points, and the winner of the episode
will take home five signs - and that's me signing off.
Susan, welcome back to the show. Hello.
Have you got a great sign?
It's the sign of... Of?
..Cock Pond, Clapham Common.
Here it is.
Ooh! AUDIENCE OOHS
A few years ago, I was like,
"Oh, I was born in London, but I don't really know London."
Right. So then, I started going on London walks -
which is when you wake up really early on a Sunday,
and you follow normally a jaded actor around bits of London,
and there is a walking tour where you go and look at dirty signs,
erm, around London and, er, this is one of my favourites,
because I'm a child, apparently.
Yeah.Erm, yeah. LAUGHTER
I like Cock Pond. Thanks.
You can quote me on that. I will.
LAUGHTER
Sue, pond full of cocks - can you beat it?
This is a sign from a well-known and beloved broadcasting institution.
Here's Sue's sign.
Don't know if you remember that the BBC sold
the BBC television studios. I do remember.
Er, yeah, and it was a terrible, dark day. Terrible decision, yeah.
And I filmed the last pilot in there... OK.
..on the day that it was shut down. Yeah.
When we came out, it was like the end of days.
It was - it... People were just pulling down signs,
pocketing treasures.
They were basically asset-stripping the BBC from the inside out.
LAUGHTER
And I thought, "This is awful," and I can't...
And I just saw the signs, and then, Claudia Winkleman said,
"I'll give you a bunk up." And so...
LAUGHTER
..she gave me a boost, ripped 'em off the wall.
She took a stage door one. Popped it down.
And off we trundled.
I mean, to be honest, Sue,
Winkleman's got "petty thief" written all over her. Yeah.
It's a great prize. It might get you a few points.
OK. Sam.
Let me take you away from this, erm, studio.
We're at the British - the Great British Library.
Wow. LAUGHTER
Have you nicked that? Yeah.
I mean it's fairly irresponsible, you could...
How good is it, though? Oh, it's a great sign.
"Please take care, piazza slippery."
It sounds like a European spy.
"Be careful, Piazza Slippery!"
Yeah. "This is a very slippery mission!"
LAUGHTER
Lucy, what have you brought in?
I've brought, erm, a pub sign.
OK.
For, erm, a home pub.
Whose pub, was it?
Erm, ours, mine.
Your one, and your husband's? And husband's, yeah.
Here's the pub sign.
LAUGHTER
I think it's a got a warm feeling to it.
Is there a, erm, landlord or a landlady at the Dog and Bastard?
Me. But it's nice, cos if you do get drunk,
sometimes you forget you're not in a real pub,
and then, like, there was one time I went to ring a taxi,
and someone had to say, "You're next to your house."
It's your pub. "You don't need to." Yeah.
It's a good sign. OK. Julian.
Oh, I think you'll like this.
Erm, it's very endearing - it's a sign that I saw in
the green room, when I was at the Hull Literary Festival.
A high-brow sign. Hm.
You're in good company.
Here's Julian's sign.
LAUGHTER
It's an unpretentious event.
Did you actually steal it? Do you have it? No, I couldn't.
Cos the artists wouldn't have known where to eat.
Jesus Christ, that is low-rent, isn't it?
I'll do this based on which signs I'd like to take home the most. OK.
I personally wouldn't want two Post-it notes.
But I did laugh, so it seems really cruel,
but I'm going to give Julian 1 point. Sorry, Julian.
OK, 1 point to Julian. Aww! Oh, I understand.
I don't want to take your pub sign,
because I think it belongs on your pub.
No, I've brought it!
Nah. 2 points. 2 points to Lucy.
Erm, 3 points to Sam. Well done, Sam.
I genuinely want that BBC sign, so I'm giving that 5 points.
And, unbelievably, I'm giving Cock Pond 4 points.
There we are, that's it. There we are, so 5 to Sue Perkins!
CHEERING
On we go!
Do you have something special lined up?
Oh, I do. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's legendary.
Oh! Look at that.
How's it going? Yeah, pretty good.
What have you brought?
James Bond would never go on a mission without
his favourite gadgets.
I've never seen him bringing a tape measure to a mission.
You only measure twice.
Is this my Excalibur moment?
Maybe.
Ah!
I'm actually quite good with a sword. Why?
Oh, cos I went to drama school.
I mean, no surprise, it's the first line.
"Pull the sword from the stone. Many have tried.
"You may not force the sword or break the stone.
"The champion is the one who releases the sword fastest.
"Your time starts...
"..now."
Can I have the sword, please?
Go on, give me the sword.
This is amazing.
Feel like I'm in Dubai.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm sure the rulers of Dubai would be thrilled...
LAUGHTER ..with that comparison.
Erm, Susan, you seem a little apologetic about
the fact you went to drama school. Yeah.
Is it a source of embarrassment for you?
No, no, no, no, no, I'm in enough debt because of it.
No, it's absolutely fine.
Yeah. Well, it really paid off.
We could tell from your performance of the Arthurian-sounding,
"Can I have the sword, please?"
Well, let's have a look. OK, then.
And we'll begin with Luce B and Sue P. Here we go.
I mean, for form's sake.
Ahh!
It doesn't come out.
No. It's a magic sword.
So, something releases the sword.
Well, could it be "Lucy"?
No. Beaumont?
So, clues. God, I love an old me...
Oh, my gosh. Yes!
That's just plain gibberish.
None of it makes sense.
I like it when I just get to run around.
You can run around.
That won't do anything, will it?
Can I ring somebody?
Could I ring the Women's Institute?
Let's hunt further.
ON PHONE: Thank you for calling the NSWI.
For constitution-related enquiries...
I think it's that one. ..press 3.
I think it's a constitution inquiry.
PHONE RINGS
Welcome to the messaging... Oh, God!
Alex, would you pull this cracker for me?
Oh, I'd love to. Thanks, darling. One, two, three.
Yay! LUCY GASPS
"Which comedian knows how to
"make their hair smart?" "..Their hair smart?"
None of them.
Is this relevant?
Wow... OK, ooh!
There's a cross.
I don't even know what part of the world that is.
Is that Africa? No.
Is it Australia? No.
America? No. Europe? It's somewhere in Europe.
I don't think I can tell you much more than that.
He's got an O.
Wait a minute. I see little letters.
France? No. Netherlands?
Uh-uh. Moldova? No. Croatia?
Ah. No. Is it the UK?
There's an E.
There's an I.
I feel like I'm in James Bond.
Now we're doing counties, really? Cornwall? Devon?
Devon?
Devon!
You made me say every country in Europe.
I didn't make you say anything, Sue.
I've got a D...
So, a D, W...
..O... ..I... ..E...
..C, M, B. ..and an I.
I'm just trying to make a word with it.
Woody. Woody?
Bedwomebi.
E...ewodi.
Ewodi, ewodi...
Bedweiwmbe.
LAUGHTER
LUCY GASPS
That's got a D-D.
That's got a W-I.
Widd...e.
Widdic...
Have you had Josh Widdicombe on this?
Oh, dear, it's so stressful.
Burw...bu...
..buw...buwawim.
I mean, I want to go Widdicombe.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Come on, Widdicombe? Why would it be Widdicombe?
Widdicombe.
Widdicombe!
SHE GASPS
In the legend, what did he do once he had the s-sword?
He ended up throwing it in a lake.
APPLAUSE
I keep little quotes during the show that I pop into
the Taskmaster book of quotes.
And yours, halfway through the task,
really made it straight in, which was,
"I just like it when I get to run around."
LAUGHTER
I do, yeah. What tipped you over into Widdicombe?
Why was it...Anne Wittecombe?
Wittecombe? It's Widdecombe.
Honestly, I don't know how I got to Witticombe.
Widdicombe! Widdicombe.
LAUGHTER
Just so you know, after 15 minutes, she said,
"I think these are all clues."
At 24 minutes, she said Widdicombe,
but she didn't pull the sword out until 28 minutes.
Wow. Sue, my favourite bit of the whole thing is when
you realise what the answer is... THEY LAUGH
..how long it took for your brain to compute.
Er, I could've just swam in that time.
Do you want to know how long she took? How long did she take?
Lucy did very badly, 28 minutes.
Sue, 33 minutes and 21 seconds.
Wow. Most of it was that reaction.
I was going to say, that's ten.
Time for a break now.
Or, as my uncle Steve used to call it,
"Get on the pot, it's plop o'clock."
Hi, Steve! Hope the facility's OK.
Sorry I've never visited.
See you in a bit. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Yes, welcome back.
It's part two, and there's a sword in a stone which needs removing.
There is indeed, Greg, and only one name will release the sword -
the surname of a person Sue Perkins
made four series of a panel show with.
Will Sam and Susan work out his name any quicker?
Let's find out.
Congratulations. Thank you.
It's a little shoe that says "Greg" on it.
It's a little foot, yeah.
BOTH: "Which comedian knows how to make their hair smart?"
So, that is absolutely not useful.
A lot of them are well-groomed.
Is that related to anything?
"With diamonds come bears" - that is gobbledegook,
I don't know what that is.
"With diamonds come bears."
We all know that.
Is there a bear around?
All right, look at this.
Catherine Knollys, 1983.
What?
Katherine Ryan - that's not got to do with hair.
Bob Mortimer? Bob, that's hair.
People who've won. Taskmaster.
Is who I'm looking for related to Catherine?
How am I meant to know that?
Ed Gamble?
Sophie Duker?
Bob Mortimer?
Still no.
Rob Beckett?
Richard Herring?
Katherine Ryan?
Noel Fielding?
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Is there a champion who's missing from there that has won this show?
That just seems too inside baseball.
Do you have to watch everything to know?
"Comedian related to... Catherine Knollys."
Is that it? Yeah.
Alex Horne... At last.
..sucks.
Sorry, don't take that... edit, bleep that.
Which bit are we bleeping?
Bleep me, just blur me out.
Blur me out, I don't deserve to exist.
Josh Widdicombe.
SHE LAUGHS
Ah! LAUGHTER CONTINUES
I've stopped the clock.
"..Fastest. Your time starts now."
"Now" has got a capital W.
Oh, WI....
Oh, it's a word!
That's a MBE.
Can I have that as some of my letters?
Member of the British Empire.
Oh, I know what it is!
Josh Widdicombe. Widdicombe?
I've stopped the clock.
Now that was a drama school performance at the end,
the holding aloft of the sword.
Mm-hm. That was worth all that money, surely.
It was worth every single penny... Fantastic.
..and three years of my life, yeah. LAUGHTER
Er, what was your system to try and get to Widdicombe, Sam?
Ah, you just have to - just have to grab life.
Yeah, you, er, listed all of the names of the people
in those pictures. Yeah.
And he actually worked out it was a winner of Taskmaster
who wasn't amongst those pictures, so he cracked it.
Can I just say, I love weapons?
LAUGHTER
Next up, we've seen four of our five competitors,
but somehow, there's still two left.
That's right, it's Julie and Clary.
WHISPERS: I'm so sorry. Oh, God.
Can I open the cracker? Yes.
I've found a little foot, and it says "Greg".
Greg!
No such luck.
"Join the Women's Institute, darling daughter."
"With diamonds come bears."
Plymouth Argyle Football Club.
W.
D.
WD40?
Who are all these people in pictures?
That's a good question.
Giles...someone.
Someone Giles. Nearly.
That man with the teeth.
Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett.
They're all comedians. Yes.
Well, Adrian Giles isn't.
Aha!
Another comedian.
LAUGHTER
Am I supposed to know his name?
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Do you recognise him?
I do, yes, no, he's very funny. Yeah.
That face - what is his name?
He's sort of small and nasally.
He is small. That's exactly right, yeah.
I've always liked him.
I won't hear a word against him.
Josh - is it a Josh?
Josh.
HE SIGHS
Widdicombe.
Widdicombe?
That was it!
Fancy that coming back to me.
I've stopped the clock. Hoo!
Oh, dear. APPLAUSE
Thank goodness his name came to me.
I've always liked his work.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Would it be fair to say you've not necessarily kept abreast with
some of the more recent comedians?
I don't really watch any other comedians.
I don't know why.
Oh, not even "that man with the teeth"?
LAUGHTER Has he been on this show?
He has. And we've had "small and nasally" on.
LAUGHTER
But you got there, it came to you.
It did come out from nowhere.
We were all quite relieved, cos it could've got quite awkward.
But did I take any longer than the others?
Well, I can tell you now.
Seemed fast. Yeah. Hmm.
Sue took 33 minutes.
Sam, 32. Lucy, 28, and Susan, 14.
Ooh.
Julian, ten minutes and 23 seconds.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow, lovely. Scoreboard then, please.
Scoreboard, yes, it's tight at the bottom.
We have last week's winner, Sam, on 5 points.
At the top, it's Susan Wokoma with 8 points.
APPLAUSE Lovely.
Hey, let's have another one, then.
You've got it, mega mumma.
and I think they're going to nail this one.
Ooh.
Welcome... Welcome.
..to the lab. To the lab.
Are you going to repeat everything I say? No. OK.
Oh, they're already going.
Uh-oh. Oh! Erm, OK.
No time for "hello" and "how are you" today.
No niceties.
It doesn't say anything.
Nah, I'm just playing.
Oh, "Make a cheeky picture on this piece of wood."
There.
"..Using nails and one continuous piece of wire."
So, a cheeky picture.
Yes, please.
"Also, if any egg timers stop,
"you must stare at the camera
"shaking your head for ten seconds."
Yeah, that one did stop, so, yeah.
"The best cheeky picture wins.
"You have 20 minutes."
Sorry, Sam, the blue one's just run out of sand.
Wait, what? The sand's run out.
"Best cheeky picture wins.
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Hang on a minute, so I need to do a cheeky picture with wire...
..and be looking at these guys?
I know. I said it was a nightmare,
but Greg wanted it done. OK, fair enough.
APPLAUSE
Feels pretty straightforward, shall we just crack on? OK.
ALARM BEEPS Oh, I'm so sorry about my alarm.
Do you know what time it is? Yes, it's time for a montage!
LAUGHTER
OK, cheeky picture with nails.
I mean, we all know what it's going to be.
Can you draw a...penis?
Can I draw a penis? Like, cos that's cheeky, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, that's cheeky.
Oh, you're drawing with the nail?
SAM: What else would you do to make a cheeky picture?
Ah, that's not shaking.
That's shaking.
What sort of people enjoy this programme? Is it students?
Why is it always you?
The blue sand has run out again.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
That's nodding.
Any regrets about doing this series?
Well, you're interesting, aren't you?
Would you call yourself a charismatic man?
Doesn't say I can't do that...
Ah, well, the sand has now stopped so, yeah, you have to do it again.
You're an absolute piglet, Alex Horne.
I just want to get to the boobs now. 'Course.
I don't want it to be too phallic.
So, instead of testicles, I'm going to do wings?
That's cheeky.
So, you've got the sexy dog -
cos we're subverting stereotypes.
JULIAN: My art teacher would not be impressed with this.
Fortunately, he's dead.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, cheeky is an interesting debate, I think.
What the go-to cheeky is.
Well, you said, Sue, "We all know what's getting drawn here."
Go-to, well, route one cheek.
What is "route one cheek"?
Cock and balls. It's a classic C&B.
Erm, Susan, you did say,
"I just want to get to the boobs now." Yes.
But then, you threw in a curveball by saying,
"We've got a sexy dog..." LAUGHTER
"..because we're subverting stereotypes."
Am I going to see a dog with a pair of boobs? No, no!
No? The boobs are separate to the dog.
Oh, what do you think cheeky is?
Erm, I think it's when you have your boobs out
as you're feeding your dog.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
It's cheeky. It's cheeky, and it's weird.
Time for a break now.
LAUGHTER
An opportunity to reflect,
to consider one's mortality,
and, crucially, exercise gratitude.
Or you could chug on a fruit-flavoured vape
and phone for a pizza.
Both things are fun, it's up to you!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the third quarter of the show.
I'd like to see some cheeky art, please, Alex.
Of course you do, Greg,
it's your sort of thing you, randy sod.
Er, the first piece of art we're going to see is Julian's.
Julian, can you explain this?
Well, it was going to be a face,
and in the end, it became a sperm.
Do you like it?
I don't know, is a solitary, deformed sperm cheeky?
Well, there was something about that laboratory place,
I felt like I had gone there to make a deposit or something.
It's "best cheeky picture," so, do you think that's a good picture
of a sperm, I suppose, is...?
I do not.
LAUGHTER
Well, I'm sorry if I haven't pleased you.
Let's have a look at Sam's.
It's more recognisable as a picture.
I think this is a really interesting piece.
It just oozes with cheek.
This is having this beautiful golden hair, and what a mane!
Wasn't it just, just wow!
Yeah. And yet, this person keeps their hair secret
with a giant hat, and the community have no idea.
Yeah. No-one has seen this hair.
Yeah. And that is cheekiness...
LAUGHTER
It's so convincing - what's clever is,
it's kind of cheeky for you to suggest that's cheeky.
Yeah. Which I like.
You're a switched-on guy. Yeah.
Well, Susan - I will have to explain a few elements of it,
but this is how it ended up.
LAUGHTER
So, on the left is a lady with - and I hate to say this phrase -
boobs, pulling along a... Yeah. ..dog? Yeah.
And the dog, to use her phrase, is "going a bit kink".
And then, she's done a cheeky bit of ocean,
and a cheeky bit of hell.
The red represents...
Did I do that? LAUGHTER
So, I see cheeky lady. Yes.
That's a cheeky tick. Erm, why is hell there?
Well, hell is here.
Yeah. Yeah. "Cheeky devil" - that's actually a phrase.
Thank God you can see the boobs, is all I can say.
Shall we move on to a penis with wings?
I thought you'd never ask.
Yeah, this is what Lucy did.
LAUGHTER
I mean, the sperm now is looking pretty good.
Ah, like you say, now looking back, I'm disgusted with myself.
You know, and I don't think I've got the wings at all.
And finally, Sue Perkins - and this is more recognisable.
Here we go. Cheeky!
That's good! Yeah. That is...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
If you were to take a bet beforehand, who would be the person
least likely to anatomically correctly...
No-one's more shocked than I am.
It's a lovely attention to detail. Yeah.
And, I hope this is appropriate, a lovely girth.
LAUGHTER
I wanted to make it aspirational, but attainable. Yeah.
So, here's all five of them.
Oh, God.
I mean, it's fairly easy to score this, isn't it?
Lucy, by her own admission, hasn't done anything, really.
Has just put a... a meaningless shape on a board?
Yeah. 1 point to Lucy, well done, Lucy.
Er, 2 points, and he can thank me for it,
to Julian's square, single sperm.
2 to Julian.
3 points to Susan's floating big-boobed woman and madness below.
Uh-huh. Now, then...
I don't know whether I, on this occasion, can separate
a blue penis and a lady saying, "Sh!
"I've hidden my hair from you."
LAUGHTER
I'll give them both 5 points.
OK, done, 5 points to Sam and Sue. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's have one more task, please.
OK, Greg, and I'm afraid the naughtiness continues.
Ooh!
Hello. Julian, how's it going?
It's going well.
Have you come across any sort of secret tasks hidden around
the house at all so far?
Should I be looking out for those things?
It's just what I would do.
There it is. Yes.
Secret one could be anywhere, I suppose. Argh!
Pardon? What?
Is that the task, to look for secret tasks?
You can open the obvious task, if you want.
That's just really passive aggressive.
SAM: "Make mischief."
"Make mischief."
Secret task, secret task, secret task.
"Most mischievous wins."
SAM: "You have a maximum of half an hour."
"Your time starts now."
Oh, what does it mean?
I have unintentionally been making mischief all of my life.
Have you got an immediate instinct? Yeah.
Well, there's victim-based mischief.
Which I do like.
Wouldn't it be mischievous to say things that I'm not supposed to say?
Do you think you can? Is that crazy? Like, "I love KFC!"
Like, cos you can't use that, so that's mischief.
I think we can use that.
And then, there's kind of, like, mischief that annoys
a collective of people.
Like running out into the road, or something like that -
not in a sad way, but in a, like, "aha" way.
I'm going to steal things off people.
Car keys. Socks.
Pacemaker - not pacemaker.
They're hard.
I don't know why, but the first thing that came into my mind
was a portcullis.
It's very hard to create in a living room.
Do I have to think in here? You can think in private, Julian.
I will see you when I've thought. OK.
Can I use your phone for a prank call?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I think everyone should know what "mischief" means.
But I am going to ask Sue why, when you think of mischief,
you think of a portcullis?
I always think, "Just lean into your first idea."
And that was the word that came into my head.
"I'm going to create a portcullis."
Fine. Susan, the sentence -
HE WHISPERS: which I do like -
NORMAL VOICE: made you look like a serial killer just...
Your second idea was, "Running into the road,
"but not in a sad way"?
LAUGHTER Yeah.
As in, like, a "wahey" way, rather than a "ohh" way.
Do you know what I mean?
If we watch you run into the road now into traffic...
Yeah. ..we'll see drivers going, "Mischief!"
LAUGHTER
I look forward to seeing the mischief.
OK, will Sue Perkins find the secret task,
instead of doing the actual task?
Will Lucy Beaumont steal a pacemaker?
Let's find out right now.
CRACKS KNUCKLES
Hello. Hi.
Come in, take a seat.
Put your blindfold on.
SPOOKY VOICE: Are you ready for the seance?
NORMAL VOICE: Who's going to come through?
It's a man.
He's called Simon.
Simon was in marketing.
"Hello, Alex.
"I have reversed roles and set you a task.
"Mischief!
"Please follow the trail of lollipops.
"You must unwrap and put each lolly in your mouth as you go.
"Follow the lollies to the final destination for
"the ultimate mischievous surprise."
Can you hear me, Simon?
DEEP SCOTTISH VOICE: "Hello, Lucy."
NORMAL VOICE: Hello.
How is it in Heaven? SHE BLOWS
"It's a lot like Earth.
"We've got a DFS."
Have you, Simon?
I think this is dangerous.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Simon, can you tell us anything else interesting?
"No, that's about it."
Oh, OK, then, Simon,
I'm afraid it's time to go.
One...
VOICE ON SPEAKER: ..two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
11, 12, 13.
You may remove your blindfolds now.
Bye!
MUFFLED: Oh, hello!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Portcullis!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow, and I mocked you.
I mocked you for saying you think that portcullis made you think
of mischief - how wrong I was.
What do you think was my favourite part of your task?
Well, Alex's suffering is important to you.
I know that. Very important!
And that was my second-favourite thing about your response.
My favourite thing was you shouting "portcullis" like a child.
Fantastic. Lucy.
I think you were hampered by bad actors.
They all looked bored shitless...
LAUGHTER
..when I think that Lucy's idea was very creative.
Yeah, cos that's what they used to do, didn't they?
Used to do that, and then, nick the stuff off them.
Oh, this is a historical-based response.
I think so, yeah.
I really enjoyed it. Who's next?
Ah, OK, well, now it's Susan's attempt -
but we're not going to actually see Susan, are we, Susan?
No.
Mischief! Ooh.
Here we go. SUSAN CHUCKLES
Do you want to pop in there and shut the door?
SAM: In the toilet? Yeah, and probably lock it.
CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY What are you playing at?
Oh.
"Stand up and shout 'mice' whenever you see or hear mice.
"Sit down and whisper 'fish' whenever you see or hear a fish."
What?
Ah, "You've got 20 minutes and must stay in this room.
"Your time starts now."
What the heck is going on with that?
SINGLE SQUEAK Mice.
Fish.
SQUEAKING
Mice!
CAT MEOWS
Mice!
Fish.
Oh, mice!
Fish.
Ah! Mice!
Er, mice!
Oh, my God.
That's a seal.
Fish. Mice! Fish. Fish.
Mice! Fish. AUDIENCE LAUGHS
What are you doing, what are you doing?
Are you drawing some fish? Yeah.
Fish. Fish.
Fish.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I reckon I did really well on this one.
But did you have any idea that I would smash that
and start creating my own beasts?
No, I didn't expect that at all.
That was very mischievous. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Are you just finding this out now?
This lady's a nutjob.
And you invented the game?
I wanted it to be, like I said, like, victim-based...
Yeah. Yeah.
..and you were the victim. So sorry!
It was - that was amazing
but it was so just, like, you know, lock her up!
You never spotted that mice, fish is an anagram of mischief.
Ohh!
How deep does this go, Wokoma?!
Right! Advert time.
Turn your TV off, kick the kids out,
and make love to your partner now.
Hey, if there's grandparents in the room,
chuck a towel over their face.
Enjoy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to the last part of the show,
where mischief is being made.
As per bloody usual.
Before the break, we saw Sam doing Susan's mischievous task for Susan,
and now, here's Sam doing Sam's mischievous task
for Sam. Hm.
OK! Time for the big prank...
Ahh, no!
DISTORTED: Ahh, no!
Oh, my God! Oh, no! No!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Pretty mischievous stuff.
APPLAUSE
So, two things to analyse - where the mischief is,
and what the narrative of your performance was.
So, he thinks I'm going to do a prank call. Yeah.
Suddenly, it's gone in the water.
He goes, "Well, surely he's not going to smash this thing
"to bits with a hammer."
But, to be an effective act of mischief,
you would've wanted Alex to think, "Oh, God that's my phone."
Yeah, I did smash his phone cover.
Did you think it was your phone that went into...?
Not once. Not for a second.
Finally, it's the chief of mischief, it's Julian Clary.
"Dear Stephen,
"I think you're great.
"Always happy and smiling.
"I love all your shows.
"Especially the one you do in car parks
"where you give strangers money.
"Congratulations on Deal Or No Deal.
"It'll be the best.
"Please, can I have a signed photo?
"Thank you, Peter McDonald."
That's that one.
"Dear Jacob...
"..Rees-Mogg.
"I think you're great.
"And I hope you get to be Prime Minister."
You'll be the best...
"You'll be the best since Thatcher."
..Thatcher.
"I'm only young, but one day, I want to be a politician, too.
"Please, may I have a signed photo?
"Thank you" - oh, I've said thank you.
Best wishes?
"Best wishes, Peter McDonald."
Mischief.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Your mischief is to falsely encourage two individuals
by sending a fan letter to...
..Jacob Rees-Mogg and Stephen Mulhern.
Yes.
Why those two men?
I was amused by the idea that they'd write back.
That's where the mischief is.
Jacob Rees-Mogg did write back.
Are you joking?
He genuinely did write back. Mm-hm.
WHEEZING LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Oh, wow.
Erm, Stephen Mulhern didn't
because we didn't put enough postage on the envelope,
so your letter got sent back to us.
And that was the end of that trail.
Ah. Will you write back to him?
Well, I'll wait for the next full moon.
Something unspeakable may happen.
That's really mischievous.
It's brilliant.
OK, look, I'll give out some points. OK.
I'm only going to give Sam 1 point because of his phone nonsense.
Fair enough, 1 point to you, Sam. Yeah.
Lucy - I mean, I don't think it was necessarily her fault.
I think the whole production was a problem. Right, OK.
But I'll give her 2 points. OK, well done, Lucy.
I don't think there's any serious intent to upset
Jacob Rees-Mogg or Stephen Mulhern,
and therefore, 3 points to Julian. OK.
There was great innocence and mischief in making you eat
a load of lollies, and then, trapping you with a portcullis.
Let's never forget the cry of "portcullis!"
from five-year-old Sue.
4 points. OK, well done, Sue.
The most mischievous was Susan's.
So, 5 points to Susan.
5 points to Susan! Well done, Susan.
Let's have a quick look at the scores. We can.
With a massive 16 points, the leader at the moment
is Susan Wokoma!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, will you all please head to the stage for
the final task of the show!
Hello there, sonny Jim, who will be reading this task out?
This time, Sue Perkins shall read the task out.
Sue Perkins, take it away.
"Write down one thing you like
"and one thing you don't like.
"You have 30 seconds."
So, you have a little whiteboard to your left and a pen on the floor.
Something you like, something you don't like.
30 seconds, starts now. BLOWS WHISTLE
Nice and big, nice and clear.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Oh. That's the first part of the task done.
Oh, no! Now, Sue.
Please don't say draw it.
Oh.
Oh, no.
"Draw your two things... LAUGHTER
"..at the same time.
"You must be drawing with both hands
"and stare at the Taskmaster throughout.
"Best pair of pictures wins!" Ahh.
If we could have the thing you do like on your right-hand side,
and the thing you don't like on the left, that'd be nice.
Greg, it's your job to keep them looking at you.
Good luck. Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS
Don't glance, don't you glance.
Ideally, you're drawing at the same time. Both your hands.
Both at the same time, Julian.
It's impossible. No.
What is it?
Sam, Sam.
SAM: How are you? Eyes on the prize.
Yes, sir. I see you.
Both hands drawing, please. Oh, shit.
Sounded like - ah-ba-ba-ba-ba!
SUE: I don't think that can be bettered.
Five seconds!
Four, three, two, one. Three, two, one.
No.And stop! WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE
Are you expecting great works of art, Greg?
I really am not.
So, please, Julian, show Greg both your pictures at once.
What do you think he's drawn, Greg?
Ah, I'm sort of a bit disturbed that the one on the right
looks a bit like me.
Oh, hang on a minute.
Is it Jacob Rees-Mogg and Stephen Mulhern?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lucy, would you like to reveal your drawings.
Both at the same time, if you can. Or not, it's fine.
Well, that's a strong opener.
You can tell what they are, though, can't ya?
I can't even tell if they're a creature or a plant.
Lucy, do you want to show us on your board what you wrote?
Sorry, I've not got very good writing...
..writing.
Peas and cauliflower.
LAUGHTER
Peas aren't bad! OK, Sam Campbell.
Hi, Sam. Reveal your drawings at once, please.
Oh, wow. It looks like keys.
So, wow, they're falling. That's just, yeah.
Like, er, meteorites?
Oh.
Not so much.
Tell me, and I'll decide if they're better than Lucy's peas.
"World cinema and negative gearing."
LAUGHTER
I don't know what negative gearing is.
It's to do with people, like, flipping houses.
Yeah, it's a situation where expenses associated with an asset
including interest expenses are greater than the income earned from
the asset, and he's tried to represent that with
his picture there.
These are gears, and they're falling, yeah.
But how the hell am I going to score that?
LAUGHTER
Do you want to move on to Sue Perkins? Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Right, now they're good in that I can see they're people.
Are they people?
That does look a bit like Jacob Rees-Mogg, but it isn't him.
Tell me.
Erm...
..it's Stephen Mulhern and Jacob Rees-Mogg.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I said Jacob Rees-Mogg!
Very clever. Susan, reveal your drawings, please.
Whoa! There we go. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Is that the big-boobed woman and the sexy dog again?
No. That's a person. That's a tick? Yes.
Do you want to give me any clues?
One person is doing something,
and the other person has an attribute that I don't like.
This one's walking a dog.
No.
Just tell me. OK, so that's dancing, cos that's a music sign.
Yes. And then this is, er, sweaty backs.
So, that was like the back... and that was the sweat.
But I-I didn't get it outside the circumference of the person,
cos I couldn't see. Yeah.
All right, Greg, you've got ten beautiful pictures. Yeah.
Whilst I admire the creativity,
I didn't recognise either thing in Sam's drawing,
so I can only give Sam 1 point. No problem.
Lucy, I give 2 points to,
because I recognised that those were peas.
And she's very pleased with the points. Yeah. Thank you.
Who's next? Susan, because I recognised they were people,
but I didn't know that there was a sweaty-backed person there.
Or any dancing going on. 3 points.
3 points to Susan, OK, lovely.
Er, I guessed only one of Sue's Jacob Rees-Mogg
and Stephen Mulhern's tribute,
so she must have 4 points. Mm-hm.
And the winner, cos I guessed both of them, is Julian Clary...
Congratulations, Julian Clary, 5 points!
Please, we will add that to the final score,
come back down and join me!
CHEERING
Well, that was pretty high-octane drawing.
They did well. Julian did the best, so well done, Julian,
5 points to you.
But the other scores means that the final league table looks like this.
Sue and Susan both have 19 points!
AUDIENCE OOHS
We're going to have to do a tie-break Greg. Oh, God.
Oh, whoa, whoa. I don't like these.
And this tie-break is a numbers tie-break... Oh.
..where they simply have to learn Pi to the most decimal places.
They had two minutes, so here they are doing the Pi break.
Here it is. Oh, f... What?
That's Pi. So, you want me to learn that?
I'm terrible at things like this.
Hmm.
WHISTLE BLOWS Ooh!
Please, can I have my Pi back?
Thank you, Sue.
Please, can you tell me the number Pi?
The end.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And so, Sue Perkins wins the episode!
Please shoot up to celebrate with your silly signage!
CHEERING
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that the meaning of words can change.
Who knew a big, square sperm could mean cheeky?
Who knew that it could also mean concealing your hair under a hat?
Mischief, on the other hand, has only one clear definition.
Mischief - a grown woman excitedly shouting the word "portcullis".
Please give one more round of applause for tonight's winner,
she is Sue Perkins! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media