This programme contains strong language and adult humour
BELL RINGS Good evening.
Argh! SLURPS LOUDLY
Argh! Ah!
HE VOCALISES
I trained at RADA.
What have I created?!
So sorry.
How we laughed.
Ahh!
Huh?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, hello!
I'm Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster,
a show for everyone.
Some enjoy the nerdy tasks,
some are just here for the laughs,
and some have simply come for the eye candy.
Drink it in, sweet cheeks, Papa's got back!
LAUGHTER
Some are also here for the most disparate gang on TV,
so please welcome Julian Clary... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Lucy Beaumont... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Sam Campbell... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Sue Perkins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...and Susan Wokoma! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And now, for a man sitting next to me who confided in me
when he was drunk that when his wife shouts at him,
he whispers "get lost" under his breath. It's...
HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, Greg.
Learnt a new skill for you, I think you'll like it. Yes, please.
I've learnt the ancient art of ventriloquism. Ventriloquism.
Would you like me to demonstrate? I would. With my puppet?
Yes, please. Mr Hand?
Yeah?
So, I'm going to talk to him, but you won't see my mouth moving.
Yeah. Ready? Do you want to say hello to Greg, Mr Hand?
"Ah, I don't want to though."
Whoa, why not? What's wrong with you?
"Cos he's really mean. He's so mean to you."
Whoa!
"Someone's got to stand up to him."
I don't think they do.
"They do, I hate him."
"But also, I love him."
"I love you, I love you, Greg!"
That's my... party trick.
It must be prize task time by now.
Oh, it surely is, and you've asked them to bring in
the present you've been given that raises the most questions.
Ooh!
I'd love to get a present.
As usual, 5 points will be awarded for the present that raises
the most questions, and then, the winner of the episode
will win all five presents.
Sam Campbell, what thing have you brought in for me?
Er, it's a book.
And some - it raised a lot of questions, yeah.
Has it? OK, this is the present he was given. It's this.
LAUGHTER
This is the thesaurus of English?
LAUGHTER - Sure! - Yeah.
Yeah. And I've drawn that question mark after every word.
LAUGHTER
It's true, he's gone through the book and, after every single word,
he's done a question mark.
Jesus Christ. LAUGHTER
How long did it take you to put a question mark after
every word in the thesaurus?
I would say, erm, three days?
LAUGHTER
Three days, five pens, brother. Yeah.
Lucy, what have you brought in?
A quiche Lorraine.
LAUGHTER
Great. "Why has Lucy brought in a quiche Lorraine?"
Is the question it's raised.
Because I don't think it was meant to be called quiche Lorraine.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
I think what's happened someone's had a quiche,
and then, they've asked Lorraine if she wants some,
and they've said, "Quiche, Lorraine?"
And then, someone's overheard, and they've thought that the quiche
was called quiche Lorraine.
Oh, and there's been a domino effect?
Yeah, like...
...steak, Diane.
LAUGHTER
And, erm, rogan, Josh.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Hello, Julian. What thing have you brought in?
It's a beautiful collage that was presented to me during
one of my performances of my lovely show at the Bloomsbury Theatre.
Ah. Here it is.
LAUGHTER
Why did she give it to me,
and what am I supposed to do with it?
It hangs inside the wardrobe door in the spare bedroom...
...so that visitors are taken by surprise.
It's very big, it's about four foot.
Wow! Four foot?! What?!
Oh, my God.
It's quite big.
Hello, Susan.
I have a gift that my brother gave me for Christmas.
Here it is.
Ah. Ooh.
Oh, God.
I didn't think anything could be worse than the quiche.
LAUGHTER
One Christmas, he was like,
"Ah, Sus, I forgot to buy a Christmas present,"
and then, he went out and he came back after ten minutes,
and he presented me with a Snicker bar.
Yeah. Yeah, the...
Well, you haven't heard the last one yet, it might not be. OK.
WHAT?! LAUGHTER
Sue?
Erm, my, my gift was so unexpected and so disturbing,
I've actually got it...
Oh, my... Oh, gosh.
Oh, God.
LAUGHTER
I'm an ambassador for Battersea Dogs and Cats Home. Yeah.
And sometimes, I foster little dogs for them. Yeah.
Aww. And couple of weeks ago, I fostered a tiny dog and,
in the car park, as I was taking receipt of the little thing,
this was handed over, OK?
This is bigger than the dog that I fostered.
LAUGHTER - It has raised a question. - It does.
Wh-What questions has it raised to you, Alex?
I suppose it's why...
Why does it look like two penises put together?
- It does. - Someone had to say it. LAUGHTER
Is it sex toy, Sue?
Well, this... LAUGHTER CONTINUES
I mean, in many ways, we've got to the nub, Lucy.
Scoring? Yes, from lowest to highest, please.
All right, then. Erm, I'm going to give Susan 1 point. Ah.
Oh, dear, 1 point to Susan.
Really Sue's only raises two questions.
Why would a small dog be given a chew,
and why does that chew look like two dicks?
LAUGHTER
So, I'm going to give that 2 points.
Unbelievably, Lucy's quiche raised more questions for me,
so I'm going to give it 3 points. 3 points.
Having seen Julian's shows I'm not 100% surprised that there's
a wonderful four-foot silky phallus hanging on his spare bedroom door.
So, I'll give him four points.
OK. But, you know, anyone who sits for three days writing
question marks in a thesaurus deserves some points, right?
5 points to Sam Campbell. Sam takes 5 points.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
CHEERING
OK. Right, so let's crack on.
What task do you have lined up for us first, please, little Alex Horne?
Well, Greg, we're off to our location for a spot of
non-contact multi-sport.
Good morning! Oh, hello, Sue. This way, please.
Hello, how are you?
I'm good, thank you, Julian.
SUSAN SIGHS
LAUGHTER
Are they prescription? Oh, these?
Nah.
Hi, Lucy. Hi, hi, Alex.
The task's in the welly.
Yeah. Yeah.
That came away with great ease.
"Get the ball in the hole."
Where's the hole?
Oh, it's a mystery hole, is it?
It's by a little red flag, the hole.
JULIAN SIGHS
Is it obvious where that is?
Over there?
"Nothing may touch the ball.
"After you touch one tool,
"you may not touch another tool... for one minute"? Yeah.
"If you decide to touch the welly,
"you must only do so with your foot."
That's one welly. One big welly.
Oh, that's connected to the - OK, I feel ya.
"Fastest wins, your time starts now."
Wh-Where's the hole?
I've put a flag next to the hole.
There? Shall I go and investigate?
You do whatever you want, Susan. Has the time started?
Yeah, when you said, "Your time starts now." Oh, for...
Oh! Fine, well, I've got to... wait, hang on.
This is a-a horn.
I think so. What's this?
That's a barbecue fan.
Bet you've got a barbecue, have you?
Yes, yes I've got a barbecue.
I built it with my friend Ben.
You've got a friend?
LAUGHTER
"Touch the welly, do it with your foot, fastest wins,
"your time starts now."
APPLAUSE
Julian has developed an incredible technique
for saying things to Alex that are seemingly innocent,
but then, yet are so damning.
"I'll bet you've got a barbecue."
What does it even mean?
Yeah, I felt so ashamed that I do have a barbecue.
Let's crack on. OK, so they couldn't touch the ball - this is crucial -
only air could touch the ball.
And we'll begin with two mighty fine men searching for a hole.
It's Julian and Sam.
What was it about touching the welly?
You can't pick it up. You have to put your foot in it, really.
Oh, I'm not doing that. No.
Oh.
This one is so hard.
Are you trying to suck it? I tried to suck it.
So, I've now gotta wait a minute.
How long do you spend practising these games...
...at home? Oh, we never test them.
Is it not working very well?
Well, er, it's not the most gripping television anyone's ever seen.
What else could I do?
Can I use it to summon, like, a mole or a rabbit?
Creatures of the forest!
Help me with this game!
ANIMALS SCREAMING
Oh, we're going with the hose.
This is more like it, isn't it?
It's powering along.
Now we're talking!
Oh, great technique.
Getting there.
Why is the hole covered up?
Oh. Oh, for God's sake.
Oh!
Some of the holes are covered.
Is that the hole there, back there?
Oh, maybe.
Where were... were you standing on that?
No. Far out.
That's the hole, isn't it?
Oh, look at that.
I'm going to step out of your way.
Am I under par?
If you get this in.
I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE
Very good.
Ah!
How does it make you feel about Alex Horne
when you discover that he's led you to puff your ball towards
a nonexistent hole?
Yeah, foul little snake, yeah.
"Foul" - now we're getting there.
Now we're getting there.
Julian actually said afterwards that I've got
"the charisma of Matt Hancock."
LAUGHTER
Well, I-I was roused by then.
I can imagine.
Give me some statistics.
Very close times between the two of them.
Three minutes, 25 for Julian.
Sam, three minutes...31.
Ah. Yeah.
Right! It's the end of part one, I'm afraid.
Don't be afraid, Greg.
LAUGHTER
Never let go.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Come on in out of the rain.
The fire's on, you must be freezing.
Yes! Please take all of your wet clothes off immediately!
Oh, naughty boy. LAUGHTER
The competitors are busy playing non-contact table tennis ball golf
next to a cricket pitch.
And now, here's how Sue, Susan, and Luc-an got on.
Oh, with your foot, please. With your foot. Sorry.
That's the welly.
That's useless.
PLAYS LOUD, FLAT NOTE
I can't touch another tool for a minute now, can I?
No, so you can maybe play a little. What an absolute berk.
Right, get the ball in the hole. Yeah.
Where's the hole?
There's a hole somewhere. Yeah.
Right, so that's your minute up with the horn. Right where's the hole?
Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
By the red flag.
SHE SPUTTERS Th-There's lots... Oh!
Argh!
That's not a hole.
Ah. That's not a hole.
That's not a hole.
What hole is it?
Oh, you'll know it when you see it.
That's not a hole.
Not a hole? No. Ah.
LAUGHTER No hole.
No hole, no hole.
Alex, where's the hole?
Where's the hole?!
Fastest wins, Susan.
Listen, my friend, I could go as fast as I like,
but if I don't know where the hole is...
Oh, it's by the red flag.
What do you mean?!
There's no hole.
There is a hole. Somewhere.
Yeah, there is a hole somewhere.
Can I use this as a hole? It's a coffee cup.
Coffee cup you say.
Out of the two of us...
You absolute anus!
You prize anus!
A hole? Yes. Right.
So, where is the hole?
By the red flag.
Oh...
Aha! Oh.
Right, so I can use this in any way I like?
As long as it doesn't touch the ball.
I'd forgotten that bit.
Yeah, like I thought, that doesn't work.
We'll have to go for full welly now.
Right, but not for another minute.
Ooh, that was close.
Oh, nearly.
Ooh!
PLAYS PAN FLUTE
Another 20 seconds.
I've stopped the clock, well done! Thank you.
I've stopped the clock. APPLAUSE
Going to waft it.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Well, that's gone the same way as every other sporting achievement
of mine's ever gone.
PLAYS FLUTE TUNELESSLY
Yes!
What a shot.
APPLAUSE
Susan, how did it make you feel when you realised that
the scumbag had hidden the hole?
I mean, it's - like, quiet rage.
Although I don't think it was that quiet, but...
Lucy. Hm? I'll tell you what I wrote down.
I wrote, "I could watch Lucy Beaumont walk about with a
"leaf blower attached to her foot all day."
Oh, that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said.
LAUGHTER
Did you enjoy that?
Erm, yeah cos I like hoovering up...
LAUGHTER ...and I like crazy golf.
You've combined two things that I like together.
Sue, you stopped the entire task at one point
to just play the panpipes.
I mean, I'd be interested to see the end result.
Well, the end result is not many points. Yeah?
Yeah, you are last. Yeah.
Well, she had to take some time to call you a berk,
an anus, an absolute anus.
Sue took nine minutes, 32. So, it's 1 point to Sue,
Susan, you took eight minutes, 24.
Gorgeous. You get two points.
Lucy, five minutes and two seconds,
you get three points. 4 to Sam,
but the winner is Julian Clary, - who gets 5 points. - There we go!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
May I see the scores, please?
Yes, that means they're neck-and-neck at the bottom,
Sue and Susan with 3, and neck-and-neck at the top,
Julian and Sam with 9.
APPLAUSE
What have we next?
Ooh, we've got a task which I think is beneath you.
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Hello?
Ah, Lucy. Hi.
Hello. Hello, I brought my tea with me, if that's all right.
Yes.
Do you want some tea?
No, I'm OK. OK.
Hi.
Lovely entrance.
I do make a good entrance.
Come in, have a seat, open the task, off we go.
That's very brusque.
"Sit down, do it, leave."
That's what television's made you.
LAUGHTER
Erm... I was just wondering where the task is.
Yes.
Is that the task? To find the task?
The task is to do the task.
Bit of fun, Julian. Yes.
I haven't had this much fun... since I don't know when.
Oh, OK, right.
Oh, there it is.
Oh, there it is. What a laugh.
Yeah. It was, wasn't it?
It's under the table. Yeah. OK.
Gosh, how we laughed.
LAUGHTER
Why's it there?
Oh, it's something where I've gotta stay under there
and do something under there, hopefully.
Have you found any of the secret tasks?
What are they?
What, just, like in my day-to-day life, or...?
Yeah, or here.
No, I haven't, no.
"Get underneath the most unique things."
Oh, cool.
"Alex will write down your things when you shout,
"'I am underneath it.'"
"If you get underneath something that someone else gets underneath...
"..You both lose five things from your total."
Oh, yeah - I mean, I'm going to do nice on this, I think.
"You have ten minutes."
Can you leave the room?
I think I want you to say the last line.
"Your time starts now."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Very good.
Does make me laugh, how age affects response to some of our tasks.
And I would be like Julian, if I were told that I had
to do a task underneath something,
I would find it quite wearisome and,
er, irritating.
What Sam said is, "Oh..."
I'm not going to do the accent. I almost did the accent.
You can do it. Oh, right.
"I'm going to have to...
"I think I'm going to have to do the task under a table" -
pause - "hopefully."
LAUGHTER
That's the age gap right there.
So, they had to get underneath things but ideally, unique things.
Things that the others didn't get under and Julian and Sue-lian
are up first. Here we go.
All right, well, the first port of call,
I want to lie underneath a cactus.
Ah, right. OK.
I am underneath it! What do I have to say? Yeah, that's it.
"I'm underneath it." I think it is, yeah.
Right, the cameraman first.
Do you want him to come out? Yes, you come over here.
You're going to have to lie on top of me. Right.
I'll keep my legs together, if that's all right.
Er...
LAUGHTER
This takes me back.
I'm underneath it.
Happy? Sound man.
Oh, sound man, er...
Bring your equipment.
What's going to be underneath? Right, er, something really unusual.
I'm underneath a part of a stand.
Right. I'm underneath it!
Saxophone stand.
He's hardly champing at the bit.
I'm underneath it.
I'm underneath the, er, antique starburst Art Deco, er, thing.
Yeah. You just need to say, "I'm underneath it."
I thought somebody might like the detail.
Alex. Yes?
I haven't been underneath you since I don't know when.
I thought you'd never ask Julian. I wouldn't mind sitting down.
I don't want you to sit on me.
No, fine, OK, it was just an idea.
Yes, why don't you squat and...
I'm underneath it.
I'm worried that he might not include it if you don't say
the phrase right, so it's up to you. Oh. I'm underneath it.
Thank you.
Is this very expensive?
I'm underneath it.
Oh, can I leave the house?
Do whatever you want to.
I can leave the house.
Shall we go outside?
Do you want to take your tea, or you...?
No, time is of the essence.
Absolutely. There you go.
I am underneath it! I'm actually straddling it.
Yes. But does that count?
I'm underneath it.
Yes, you are, Julian.
Someone's definitely gone underneath a cow, right?
But have they gone on top of the cow and underneath a tree?
I'm underneath it. Yeah.
Ah... I'm underneath it.
I'm underneath it. Yeah, two minutes.
I'm underneath this leaf, I'm underneath this leaf,
I'm underneath this leaf.
That's like 40 leaves, right?
Well, er, you said it five times.
20 seconds, Sue.
Are you saying there's 20 seconds for you to get on top of me?
I'm underneath it.
What are you underneath? Oh. Pick Me Up magazine.
I'm going down. I'm underneath it.
WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, not in the ear!
That was rude! Oh...
I'm underneath it. WHISTLE BLOWS
What a lovely ending.
And you've ended up in your, er, dressing room.
Could you get my tea for me?
Yes, I'll go and bring you your tea. Thank you, Julian.
That's your time up, Sue.
I have rolled quite heavily in fox poo.
Ah, it's quite musky.
Thank you. See you very soon.
'Course. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
APPLAUSE
Was it a unique decision for you to use this task as an opportunity
to climb underneath a number of men?
LAUGHTER
Well, it staring me in the face, wasn't it, really?
I wrote down, "I sometimes think that Julian is just killing time
"until he can have another cup of tea."
I-I got under quite of things.
Er, I just do it languidly.
He does, I think you'd be surprised. He got under more things than Sue.
Oh, I'm not surprised. Ah.
This is the woman who spent 15 minutes playing the panpipes
during a timed challenge. That is true.
What things did Julian get under?
Yeah, 4-5 men. Yeah. Baby's head.
There were 25 in total.
Er, Sue, you just got under 20 things.
So, that's including five different leaves.
Who's next? Next up, it's lazy Susan -
no, it's Lucy and Susan, here we go.
I don't think people are going to use stuff in this room.
Because they'll think other people use stuff,
so I think they'll go all over the place.
Well, I'm not going to do that.
I think that I should maybe start in here. Is that all right?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
I'm underneath it. Yes, you are.
I am underneath it!
BUZZER
I feel like there's so much I could do, I could get literally
every object and just go underneath, it so I should.
But what if somebody has...?
I can't worry about that, cos you're not telling me if they have.
Again, the reason I'm doing this is because it's too obvious,
I don't think other people will do it.
I'm underneath it. I am underneath it.
BUZZER
I'm underneath it!
BUZZER
I am underneath it.
BUZZER
I am underneath it.
BUZZER
I am underneath it!
BUZZER
Thanks, man.
You fit underneath quite a lot of things.
Yeah, I'm five-foot-one-and-a-half.
Do you know, I went to be a Disney character,
and I was an inch off getting Mickey Mouse?
I'm underneath it.
They can't let you be too big for it
because of overheating, you see?
I am underneath it.
BUZZER
I am underneath it.
LAUGHTER
I am underneath it.
BUZZER
I should mix it up, cos I'm actually getting bored of this room.
You coming? Oh, yes, sorry, yes.
I am underneath it.
Underneath the bowl, are you? Yeah, I am underneath it.
I am underneath it.
Ah... I am underneath it!
BUZZER
WHISTLE BLOWS Yes, I've written down cow.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Do you think anyone else has got underneath any of those things?
Not one of them. No? OK. Not a single one. Thanks, Lucy.
APPLAUSE
Does that arrogant outline sting,
now that you've seen the horrible truth?
It stings like a bitch.
LAUGHTER
Did they cancel out loads of things? Erm... Yeah?
Well, it would be loads of things, except Lucy did only get under
a total of 12 things in ten minutes.
Wow. But the last three were the only things
that no-one else went under. Ah.
The other nine, lost you five each time.
Ah. Oh, well.
LAUGHTER
Advert time!
If any member of your family has fallen asleep,
here's a little game you can play in the break.
The rest of you all sneak upstairs, pack a bag of basics,
slip out the house, and never come back.
They'll spend the rest of their life wondering. Fun!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, hello again!
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Hello, I'm Alex Horne.
Now it's time to see Sam take on the underneath task.
Or, should I say, the down under task -
cos he's an Australian guy!
"Your time starts now!"
All right, I'm underneath it!
Tape measure.
I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
What is that?
I don't know!
Oh! Can you go over the top of me?
I'm underneath it! It?
I think you're a gent.
I'm underneath it. What is it? Lint!
I'm underneath it. What is it?
This one!
I'm underneath it. What is it?
The sticker from some mandarins.
Shoes, shoes, please. Mm-hm.
I'm underneath it. And the sock.
Some viewers are about to get very excited.
Finally, look at those.
Ooh, baby.
Er, I'm underneath it.
Oh, fuck.
I'm underneath it.
I'm underneath it! I'm underneath it!
I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it!
What time have I got?
You've still got six-and-a-half minutes.
I'm doing well! No, I'm not.
I'm underneath it.
I've got this from someone's camera bag.
I'm underneath it!
I'm underneath it.
These are all different coins. I'm underneath it.
30 seconds left.
Camera facing down on me.
I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
How many...? WHISTLE BLOWS
Oof.
OK, thanks, Sam.
So, do you need, do you need help with cl...?
I do need help, but I won't ask you, I'll ask someone...
OK, sorry about that. I'm sorry to that person.
You looking for your sock?
Yeah.
Bl-bl-bl-bl!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's it, that was the energy of a sugar-pumped toddler you employed.
And I thoroughly enjoyed watching it.
You just wonder, like, what is my purpose?
What am I good at? And then, suddenly, it's like...
And then, bam, there it is.
"Lint!" "This one!"
He got one thing every 8.1 seconds.
Wow. Wow.
He got underneath 74 things.
Wow!
I'd like to point out how heartbreakingly sweet it was that
Sam offered to tidy up.
LAUGHTER
Sometimes I think I'd like to wear you in a little papoose.
Really? Carry you around.
Sometimes I'd like to cover you in oil and, er, hoover up the house
and empty it on your, erm, your writhing, oily body.
Oh, yeah? LAUGHTER
And then, shout, "Lint!"
LAUGHTER CONTINUES - Lint! - Lint!
So, Sam is unassailable, 49 points, with a 74 minus 25.
Er, Sue only had five duplicates
so that's 20, minus 25, is -5.
Julian, 25 things - six of them are duplicates
so you also get -5 points.
So, the scores are, Sam gets 5 points,
Julian and Sue both get 4 points.
We skip down to Lucy gets 2 points,
and Susan, I'm afraid, just the 1.
But the winner, by miles, was Sam Campbell!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
One more task for your favourite taskmaster.
Oh, yes, and it's a classic nomenclature task.
SHE WHISTLES
Hello. Hm.
Hm! Hm.
Hm.
TIMER BEEPS
Has it started already?
Mm-hm. OK.
Well, normally I'd do some niceties, but clock's ticking.
Well, you made it start.
What, by saying good morning?
By indulging in a pleasantry? Sort of.
You suit a caravan.
I can imagine you sitting in a lay-by
opening a tin of spaghetti hoops.
Very me.
TIMER BEEPS
Who's she? She sounds great.
TIMER BEEPS Er, OK.
Are they your children?
No, these are little knitted characters.
Do they want to come out?
They look like they want to come out.
They don't want to come out.
We have to start the task now. Yes.
TIMER BEEPS
Hello.
Are you smiling? Yes.
Oh, good. Start the clock. TIMER BEEPS
"Choose a new nickname based on
"something you do in the next 20 minutes.
"Best nickname wins.
"Your time started when you smiled."
Oh. Mm.
I smiled at you, and you smiled back.
Oh, so that was...
That wasn't real.
Have you had many nicknames before?
"Fuck Pig," I used to be called.
OK, and was that mummy?
HE CHUCKLES
I had a teacher that called me "Trouble".
But I wasn't trouble that's why it was sweet.
Ah. They called me "Nice Guy" - cos I wasn't.
I believe that.
Er, maybe I should use the 20 minutes to learn a new skill
and get a amazing nickname based on that.
Yeah, 20 minutes is enough, that's what they say, isn't it?
20 minutes and you'll be an expert. I think it is.
I could hop round and you could call me "Hoppy".
That sort of thing you're thinking of? That sorta thing, yeah.
Oh, and is there clues around here? Is that why we're in here?
There's no clues. I mean, you can look at everything.
But I'm not allowed to touch stuff? You can touch stuff.
Maybe that could be the nickname, Touchy!
I don't think that's a good nickname.
Could wink, you could call me Winky?
Could slap you... you'd call me Slappy?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.
I think I want to be a prodigy.
Are you looking for a cool nickname, or a dangerous nickname, or...?
Er, I want to be dangerous. OK.
Er, I think I have the soul of a murderer!
SHE LAUGHS
Right. OK, cool, I'll be with you in a sec.
Right, let's go and have a little look.
APPLAUSE
Erm, I was worried, Julian,
that this one wasn't firing up your imagination.
And then, out of nowhere, "Oh, hello, Fuck Pig."
Your legal department won't thank me for going into details.
LAUGHTER
Right, then. We going to start? You betcha. All right,
we're going to start with two contestants formerly known
as Lucy and Sue.
AGGRESSIVE ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
Anarchy!
STRUMS TUNELESSLY
Ahh!
Anarchyyyy!
Anarchy!
SHE GROWLS
Well, no wonder they call her Lucyfer, the Rock God.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I like someone who commits a lot of time and effort
for a bit of basic wordplay. Yeah.
I thoroughly enjoyed it, high drama.
I'm glad that you spelled out Lucy's nickname so clearly,
because I presumed it was going to be
"Institutionalised For Her Own Safety."
LAUGHTER
And what symbolises anarchy better
than the biting of a fir tree?
Have you had much of a period of genuine anarchy in your life ever?
No, never, no. You've never really let loose?
I've tried to just do what I'm told, you know?
Yeah? What's the most rebellious thing you've ever done?
Once threw a poo out of a window.
Yeah, I was in Kavos. Off the balcony.
Why did you throw a poo off the...?
Put it in a bag. Yeah, why?
Cos I couldn't flush it, and I didn't want people to pick on me.
LAUGHTER
Let's crack on, then. All right.
It's time to look for the last time at Julian Clary,
before he goes by another name altogether.
Shall I do what I'm going to do,
and you can guess my nickname?
Ready?
I'm ready.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
I'm so sorry. I've broken the whole table.
Yeah, well, I guess... This is all part of my nickname.
Well, er...
Ooh. Look at this, it's come right off.
This is my caravan.
Right, well, er...
Well, I'm sorry about that. I can only apologise.
Hm. Look at your name.
What's your new name?
Butch.
THEY LAUGH
And I think I've proven my point, don't you?
I think you have, Butch.
Lovely. Thank you.
Oh, I do apologise. Sorry about that.
Take it you can't help it, really.
Can't. When you're butch, these things happen.
Bye, Butch.
I mean, when you look at the production values in the two
we've seen so far, you must feel some degree of shame with that?
I didn't know - no-one offered me a film crew and...
I think your nickname should be Minimal Effort.
It's break time again!
Will Butch win a quiche?
Will Lassue Perkins gain a chocolate bar?
Might Lucyfer, the Rock God take home a thesaurus full of
little question marks?
The answer - none of this matters!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, hello!
Welcome back to the last part of the show.
The current task involves nicknames.
Now it's time for Susan and Samson.
Here we go.
I'd like you to take a seat. Thank you.
And if you could just make sure that you rest your hands there...
...and there. Thank you very much.
And I'm not really allowed to leave here?
Y-You're allowed... Are you going to leave here?
I'll go where you go. Really?
It's every task.
We can go out on the road.
No... w-well, yes, OK.
Is that allowed? It's not encouraged.
Just going to pop these over, like this. Hm.
OK, I'm now going to stop talking to you in the Susan manner.
Cos she's gone.
Who's here now?
Chain Bastard.
Do you know him? Well, he's driving a car.
Why are you called Chain Bastard?
You're about to find out.
Excuse me, madam,
do you have time to quickly coin a nickname?
This is for a huge television programme.
No, I'm sorry, I'm... Apologies.
Damn it!
11-and-a-half minutes left. I know!
Ah!
What's my name? Chain Bastard.
Good. Who's the boss?
Greg Davies. No. No?
Who's the boss here right now? Ah. Is it Chain Bastard?
It is Chain Bastard.
Excuse me, madam, can I ask you a question really quickly?
I need to coin a new nickname.
SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
You've gotta go have lunch. Yeah. Yeah, good idea. Bye-bye.
Damn it!
Hm.
What's my name? Chain Bastard.
Mm-hm.
Excuse me, just one-one second.
One second. Hey, how's it going?
Yeah. Erm, I just need to coin a new nickname,
so if you could just, erm, give me a nickname.
I'll tell, I'll whisper it to you.
Er, if you could give me any nickname, what would it be?
Doctor Cigarettes.
Doctor Cigarettes! What?!
Thanks, man. No worries. Stay safe. Bye-bye.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Why did he come up with Doctor Cigarettes?
Hm, I guess he just liked my vibe.
Still going - oh, all right. Yeah.
WHISTLE BLOWS Thank you, Sam.
You enjoy that, Sam?
Sam?
Doctor Cigarettes, did you enjoy that?
Alex. I had the time of my life.
Great.
APPLAUSE
It strikes me, Susan, that even when you essentially hold someone
against their will and give yourself the name Chain Bastard... Hm.
...that you just still seem really fun and friendly.
All the suggestions that I were coming up with
were dangerous, and involved, like, weapons.
So, in the end, the chains stayed...
Yeah. ..and then, feathers arrived.
I was surprised that Chain Bastard was applying feathers.
Er, Sam. I-I mean, I put to you that,
before you spoke to one member of the public, that you'd already
decided you wanted to be known as Doctor Cigarettes.
Greg, Greg, Greg, what can I tell you?
Smoking kills...
...weaklings!
Taskmaster does not support smoking.
LAUGHTER It's very dangerous.
Right, Greg, who, in your opinion, has the worst nickname?
Well, Julian. Oh, Butch?
Yeah, 1 point to Butch.
Chain Bastard gets 2 points. 2 to Chain.
Lassue Perkins, big production value.
Hm. 3 points.
Now, we're into Lucyfer, the Rock God,
and Doctor Cigarettes.
Pack a day keeps the doctor away.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to give Lucy 4 points,
because I think the nickname really suits you.
And, I don't even know why,
but 5 points goes to Doctor Cigarettes.
Sam Campbell wins the task!
CHEERING
Right, please, can you all make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Who's going to read the task out?
Lucy Beaumont's going to read this one.
"One member of your team must lie on three of the squares
"and go to sleep.
"After they have taken their position,
"they must not move until the task is over.
"Taking it in turn, the other team members must
"try to land their cushion in each of the three sleep squares.
"First team to strike out the sleeper wins."
Hm. Ooh.
So, one of your team must lie in three squares.
The team will then throw this cushion back and forth,
trying to land it in the squares that they're in.
I'll tick off the misses on this.
There's a game similar.
LAUGHTER
Does it sound like "cattle tips"?
A little bit like cattle tips, yeah.
First of all, you've got to decide who on your team'll be the sleeper,
and where they'll lie.
Oh, this is like Battleships! Yes.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
All right, Greg who do you want to throw first?
I want... Susan to throw first.
Oh, that's a miss, it's D3.
C3, a miss.
I've got no idea what's going on.
LAUGHTER
It's like you said, it's like Battleships.
I'm getting it confused with a different game.
It's Guess Who I'm thinking of.
Miss. Right.
It's a miss.
Ooh! Miss.
OK. I'm going to try to just chip it in over there.
What do you reckon? It's up to you.
Hit!
Ahh!
It was a miss. OK.
Miss! Oh, I'm sorry.
Ooh. Hit!
Oi. Miss. Ahh.
This changes everything!
AUDIENCE OOHS
I-I'm going to have to ask VAR where that landed.
I can tell you.
LAUGHTER
It is a strike, but you've already done that...
But it was nice to hear from Julian, cos I...
...I did fear for a while he might be dead.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
Ooh. Hit! Ooh!
That was amazing.
You're really up against it now, Chain Bastard.
D4! Hit. Hit, hit!
Both have two strikes, Greg.
It's next strike wins.
I'm just going to go like that.
AUDIENCE OOHS
Hit! It's all over! It's all over.
APPLAUSE
Right we'll add that to the final scores.
Come down and join me! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, the team of three won, so they get 5 points each.
Sadly, the team of two again failed.
Aww. I'm so sorry.
We tried really hard, and we had so much fun.
Aw! No points.
Ah, no points.
Er, I can tell you where the series scores lie at this point,
would you like that. Oh, God. I would like that.
Susan, you've got 39 points. Thank you.
Lucy, you've got 40. Ah.
Sue, 42.
Then, just a slight 12-point jump up...
...Julian on 54, Sam on 57.
Wow. So the current leader.
Wow! APPLAUSE
This particular episode, there's a slight gulf between
leader and loser - Susan got 6,
Sam wins the episode with 24 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sam Campbell wins the show!
Please come up to the stage and pick up your questionable presents.
CHEERING
Episode three is done, and you know who the winner was?
Yeah, that's right,
it was Sam Campbell!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media