Well, well, well.
Ooh! Oh, no, no.
Yes! Ah!
SHE HISSES, BELL RINGS
Ah!
Um...
Quite windy today. Yeah.
Christ!
Ooh! Wrong way.
That's how you do it, baby.
OK.
Oh, my God!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh!
SHE BABBLES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello!
Welcome! Welcome!
I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to a brand-new series of Taskmaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's great to be back, and since we were last on air,
I've met so many of you on my travels.
And just to start the new series as I mean to go,
can I just say, genuinely, if you're one of the many people that came up to me on the street
over the last couple of months and had a photograph with me on your phone,
I want you to know this -
despite my smiles and what I said, I did resent being asked...
LAUGHTER
...and you did ruin my night.
LAUGHTER
Stop it! LAUGHTER
Let's crack on and see what the new five look like,
huddled together on their chairs, their eyes on this prize -
a trophy of a man who doesn't have a beard or glasses.
It's not me! LAUGHTER
Please welcome Joanne McNally...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...John Robins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Nick Mohammed... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...Sophie Willan... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...and Steve Pemberton!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And sitting next to me is the Harry to my Meghan Markle.
LAUGHTER
A little ginger who's started to realise that he's paired up
with one sassy queen.
LAUGHTER
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: It's little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah. Hello!
All right? Hello, Greg. How are you doing?
- Dangerous, as always. - Good. LAUGHTER
Just a bad boy.
LAUGHTER
I'll do anything.
Honestly, I'd do absolutely anything. I don't care. Yeah?
See this, right? Here we go.
Can of worms.
LAUGHTER
I'll... I'll open that.
LAUGHTER
Go on, open it.
Oh, it is actually worms. Yes, it's worms, yeah.
LAUGHTER
I'll tell you now without looking at him,
that's the end of what he's prepared.
LAUGHTER Are you saying I... there should be more stuff now?
Well, there should be some sort of punchline, yeah.
So, this bit now is the punchline.
LAUGHTER
But everyone was in a great mood and really looking forward to it,
and now look at this. That's what happens when you open...
Because there's a room full... LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. All right.
I mean, you got a round of applause out of it.
LAUGHTER
In quite manipulative fashion, I think.
LAUGHTER
Let's get the first of our prize tasks underway then, shall we?
Underway right away,
and for this episode you've asked them
to bring in something pretty important.
It's this -
the most glorious thing that sounds a bit like "Greg Davies"
if you mumble it.
LAUGHTER
The most glorious thing will get five points,
and the winner of this first episode
will take home five things which all sound
a bit like "Greg Davies" if mumbled.
Over to you... Yeah. ..Greg Davies.
Right, Joanne. Yeah.
What have you brought in?
I brought in a jug. LAUGHTER
That sounds like "Greg Davies" when mumbled?
Yeah. Glug... glug gre...
SHE BABBLES Glug gravies.
LAUGHTER
A jug of gravy. Yes! Thank you, Steve.
She has brought in a Glug Jug of gravy. Yeah, Glug Jug. It looks like this.
It's called a Glug...? There you go, look.
Oh. That's called a Glug... That's full of gravy.
What do you mean it's called a Glug Jug?
When you pour it out, it makes a glug sound.
That's it. It makes a glug sound. It has glug acoustics.
It goes glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, Greg Davies.
Yes, I know. LAUGHTER
So, what rhymes with "Davies"?
"Gravies". Thank you.
I think we've established everything I need to establish
before I give you one point.
LAUGHTER
John, what have you brought in?
I brought in... ..Grieg diaries.
LAUGHTER
It sounded like he said "Greg Davies".
You've actually brought me in, John?
I've brought in Grieg's diaries.
LAUGHTER
The diaries of Edvard Grieg, the Norwegian composer. Here they... Yeah. Here they are.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow, that's good, isn't it? Is it a glorious thing, though?
It is meant to be the most glorious thing.
Have you heard his concertos?! LAUGHTER
I'm just saying, I had to read the book,
and it's mainly about his desperate unhappiness at school.
LAUGHTER His...
His glorious unhappiness at school.
LAUGHTER
I like Grieg's diaries.
LAUGHTER
Nick.
Hi, Greg.
We are contrasting physical characters.
We are. In what regard?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'll leave it as a mystery. LAUGHTER
What have you brought in?
I went for... HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY
LAUGHTER
Can you say it again? Eggs Benedict.
Are you saying "eggs Benedict"? I am.
LAUGHTER
Who would've thought Joanne would be back in the game?
LAUGHTER
Whoo! CHEERING
Yeah, here's the eggs Benedict. LAUGHTER
It's difficult to mumble "Benedict" into "Davies", for sure.
Not if you breathe out. If you breath out... Benedict.
Let me give it a go. Yeah. Benedict.
LAUGHTER
Sophie?
I've met your aunt and uncle. LAUGHTER
Pam and Willy.
She was Miss Wem in 1962.
And she was saying, "Oh, he's on telly, he's my nephew."
Yeah. "He's tall." It took us ages, but we got there.
LAUGHTER
Do you know what's genuinely fascinating about this? Yeah?
Is I know very well who my aunties and uncles are,
and they are not Pam and Willy. LAUGHTER
You're joking!
I can't believe that.
They've been telling a lot of fibs. Yeah, yeah.
They're lying, all right. Uh, what have you brought in?
Egg babies. LAUGHTER
"Greg Davies". Will you mumble it for me?
Egg babies. LAUGHTER
Yes!
Egg babies. AUDIENCE: Aw!
Ah, that's good. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Man, that is good. Thank you.
Egg babies do exist.
People train to be a parent by holding an egg baby... Yeah.
...for up to two months. Who are these people?
Well, me and my wife. Right.
LAUGHTER
That's very good, Sophie.
Thank you. I'm quite proud of them.
Steve, what have you brought in that rhymes with Greg Davies?
So, I was mumbling your name and I came up with, uh...
HE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY
What was that?
Peg Mavis. Meg Mavis?
Peg... Peg Mavis.
Peg Mavis.
It's Mavis from Coronation Street as a peg doll.
Oh, God. LAUGHTER
And here she comes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This is tough. Yeah, yeah. It's not bad.
Reece Shearsmith did the picture. Did he? Yeah.
Mavis Riley, Mavis Wilton, uh, played by Thelma Barlow.
So, I actually sent Peg Mavis to Thelma Barlow
to see if I could get her endorsement of Peg Mavis,
and she sent me a lovely signed card.
There she is. OTHERS: Aw! That's Thelma.
"To Steve, good luck, from Thelma."
After I got Peg Mavis back from Thelma Barlow,
I sent Peg Mavis to the actual Coronation Street.
And I think it was a very windy day, as you can see.
If anything, it's a bit too bum-licky, innit,
- the whole thing? - It is a bit. LAUGHTER
He's gone a bit over the top, if anything.
Right, you've seen all five.
I mean, it's not hard to give Joanne one point, obviously.
LAUGHTER
Nick, two points, and you can thank me for them. What?!
I will. Thank you.
I'm going to give egg babies three points.
Fabulous, thank you.
I think I have to reward Steve,
because it's the beginning of a new series
and I'm trying to be more upbeat about life... LAUGHTER
...for all of his efforts, but I want you to know
that "Grieg diaries" is a very close second.
Thank you. There we go. Five points to Steve Pemberton.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done. Well done. Well done.
Right, we're off. Let's task.
And we begin with a task involving my two middle names -
Danger and Eggs. LAUGHTER
Hey, Alex. LAUGHTER
Hi, Nick.
Ooh, an egg.
Welcome, Sophie.
Hello. Ooh!
LAUGHTER
Egg, is it?
LAUGHTER
Hello, my G.
Hello, Steve. LAUGHTER
Hmm. He's cute.
Who do you think it looks like?
Mr Blobby. LAUGHTER
Best physical comedian of our generation.
Uh, we should CRACK on.
AUDIENCE GROANS - Lovely. - Yeah?
"Do the riskiest thing involving this egg..."
"..without breaking this egg."
Love that.
"The egg in the greatest danger that doesn't break wins"!
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."
Can you swallow an egg whole?
And get it out again? And get it out again?
Not sure that's going to happen in 20 minutes.
LAUGHTER
20 minutes.
So, I'm going to take a minute to think before I plough in,
cos that's always good, in't it?
When you say... Oh, hang on.
When you say "crack", do you mean the shell,
or do you mean the egg comes out?
LAUGHTER
So, this spoke to me.
There's a little thing... number nine on there.
Now, I do a show called Inside No. 9. Oh, yeah.
If I put the egg in there,
we'll take this egg on a hell of a ride.
Ah, I'm so disgusting,
but I'm not going to do what I immediately thought of doing.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Both of your instincts - yours and John's -
was to eat the egg and then, uh, defecate it out.
No, mine was... Mine wasn't... Sorry!
LAUGHTER
Excuse me! What sort of animal do you think I am?
I wasn't going to defecate.
I was going to add it to the rest of my eggs for safety...
...in there!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I-I was planning to defecate the egg.
LAUGHTER Let's have a look.
OK, well, our first two risk-takers are Nick Mohammed and Jo McNally.
Do we have, um, puffer wrap? Bubble wrap?
Yes.
Is it hard-boiled?
I don't know.
Then let's go and boil it. I've got 20 minutes.
Round one.
See how that egg's doing.
OK. Let's take it outside.
I'm going to try and throw bricks and get as close as I can.
LAUGHTER That's a bit risky.
I mean, it sounds really risky, right?
You ready?
Yes, I'm ready.
LAUGHTER Ooh.
Felt risky.
That was quite close.
Yeah.
You ready? Uh-huh.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Ooh!
It jumped over it. That's risky.
That's really risky.
This is fun, isn't it?
It is quite fun. Oh!
Go on.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
LAUGHTER
Right.
LAUGHTER
Are you finished? Yeah, I think so.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS AND LAUGHS
I'd say it's cracked.
LAUGHTER
Oh, I'm sorry.
LAUGHTER
Thank you!
Thank you, Nick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Did you think at the time that hard-boiling the egg
would protect it from a brick?
I thought hard-boiling the egg would make it firmer.
Yeah, but, I mean, I did feel an element of risk there. Yeah. It was surprisingly exciting.
It looked quite sad at the end, didn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, well, you murdered it. LAUGHTER
Um, Joanne, probably the bricks
would've bounced off that bubble wrap.
But no-one gasped at my task.
They were gasping at Nick's, which means it's more risky.
Well, that's the second comment I'm coming on to,
which is you then did the least risky thing
I've ever seen. LAUGHTER
She did say, "Right, I'm going to fuck it against a brick wall
"like a mad bastard." LAUGHTER
I did say that.
That was... That was the plan.
It was... It was riskier in my head.
Do you want to find out if the egg survived? Yeah. It did.
LAUGHTER
Was that not the point, to keep the egg alive?
Yeah, it means you've definitely got points... Yeah. ...because the egg had to survive.
I protected it. Yeah, the egg had to survive. Oh, no. Do I not get anything?
No, not if the egg didn't survive.
Yours got eaten by a crow. I know.
And there's something quite cannibalistic
about another bird eating an egg.
Of course. Eugh! Oh, God.
OK, do you want to see another one? Yes, please.
OK, it's now time for old Risky Robins. Ooh! Here we go.
Thank you so much for taking me out for a ride.
I know your husband's at his cow-riding lesson.
LAUGHTER
Look out! COW BELLOWS
PITCHED-DOWN SHOUTING
TYRES SCREECH, COW BELLOWS
COW BELLOWS
Look out!
Oh, my God! Are you OK?
You saved my life.
That... That was incredible.
DING!
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very nice.
Shall we, uh, drill down into the narrative a little bit there?
So, the egg is giving me a lift home.
Unbeknownst to the egg,
the egg's husband's cow-riding lesson is nearby.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
The egg... egg wife was... was heading towards the very cow
the egg's husband was learning to ride.
Oh, my God, the irony.
So, uh, she swerves, hits a brick wall... Yeah.
...we both survive intact. Yes.
And if you have any doubt as to the riskiness
of that procedure,
please speak to the production staff
about the two-hour meeting we had about...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
All right, time for the first break of the series.
Show the adverts the respect they deserve.
Alex, arms up, legs wide, big smile, tongue out, and wiggle.
Everywhere!
Wiggle your tongue!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!
Welcome back to this box-fresh series of Taskmaster,
where we've started big with a task about risk.
Yes, Greg.
They're doing the riskiest thing with an egg right now... on TV!
Next up, it's Steve Pemberton.
EAGLE SCREECHES
I want to tell you a story about risk.
We're in the mining town of Yolkston,
population half a dozen.
It's a Friday.
Beautiful day, sunny side up.
Into town rides intrepid explorer, Eggbert Nobacon...
LAUGHTER ...on his trusty goat Shelly.
And they're trundling through here.
As you can see, there's lots of CCTV,
and this alerts the local poachers.
HORSE NEIGHS
And they are chasing Eggbert.
And there's huge risks, so Shelly has to go quickly.
But there's the Omelette Express.
BELL RINGS, LAUGHTER
Shelly's rearing up.
HORSE NEIGHS
The poachers run out of breath.
But here's the greatest danger and the greatest risk of all.
Eggbert has to run over the Crackatoa Falls.
And there he goes through the Cape of Good Horne...
LAUGHTER
...and off into the sunset, having allayed all risk.
His brain was scrambled, but Eggbert and Shelly go on.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Ah!
You did it. Thank you.
He's happy, is he? He's happy, yeah.
Yeah. Happy as Larry. Sweaty.
Yeah, he's really sweaty. LAUGHTER
But you would be. Just had all that risk.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
God, I was really torn between thinking,
"Oh, God, there's...
"It's quite complex puppetry skills going on here,"
and the thought that I was watching a very lonely boy in his bedroom.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. I had Alex with me.
LAUGHTER
I did as many different risks as I could.
Which brings us to our controversy of this particular piece of film.
LAUGHTER Mm.
Did Eggbert crack when he fell from the stagecoach?
Oh, you mean after the task had been completed?
LAUGHTER Ah!
There may have been some albumen.
And you were so enjoying yourself, weren't you? I really was.
You were having a lovely time. I did have a lovely time.
Good. Shame you failed.
LAUGHTER
Shall we have a look at Sophie?
Sure, yes.
It's our final risk-taker. It's Sophie Willan.
SHE EXHALES
Well, it'd be risky to get it on your head,
wouldn't it?
My grandma used to do,
you know, the posture test with an apple on her head.
Did she? Yeah, or a book.
If you keep your back straight, she says, like this.
Do you know what?
I'm going to try with just this for a start,
just to kind of edge in.
Right.
Your head's a little bit like a nest.
Yeah, well, that helps, doesn't it?
But it's not... It's still risky, though. Yeah.
Hang on, right.
Risky.
Right, hang on.
Oh, no.
I'm going to...
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Oh!
He's gone!
Oh!
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
He's gone!
Oh, no.
I felt so confident.
I was going to do a lunge and everything.
LAUGHTER
He looks so sad, doesn't he?
Thanks. No, thank you, Sophie.
Well, I still get a point for trying, don't I?
APPLAUSE So, that's... Yeah?
I don't want to do an offensive caricature of your accent...
Yes, do, though. Go on. ..but... Carry on.
...I put it to you
that your version of creating risk in a situation like this
is to occasionally look at the camera and go...
..Risky!
LAUGHTER
I'm not Johnny fucking Vegas.
LAUGHTER
Fucking hell.
I said it would be offensive. LAUGHTER
It was a very risky thing to do.
To put an egg on your head? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
With an egg? Come on.
LAUGHTER
Wow. I think you're going to be a delight for this series.
LAUGHTER
So, three people broke their egg. Do they get any points, Greg?
Well, no.
OK, in which case only John and Joanne's eggs survived.
I thought that the bubble wrap was very clever,
but I don't think there was a lot of risk,
so I can't give you five points. OK. OK.
But I can give you four... Oh! ...which is a miracle.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Because you... Thrilled. - Yeah.
You came second.
And obviously, we'll give John Robin's effort five points.
There we go. Five points. Four points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Is it time for the first scoreboard of series 17, Alex?
Yes. I can show you the scores.
At the bottom of the table, it's Nick with just two.
At the top, it's John with nine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wow. - There we go.
More, please.
OK, Greg, and it's time to meet the teams.
There we go. Ah-ha!
Hi, Alex.
What am I looking at?
Oh. That's where you stand.
Behind the line?
No. Here?
Yes, please.
Yeah, facing you. Not yet.
No.
Hello! Sophie. Hello.
In the red bit, please. Righto.
Ah.
I'm going to open it.
"Create the best single picture
"of an animal doing something surprising.
"All six blinds must be fully
"and equally involved in your picture.
"You may not see each other's work."
What?!
Is there someone else here?
I don't know.
Hello! Hello! Hello!
Is it Steve? It is!
Hi, Steve. I literally recognised your voice. It's Nick.
What's your name and where'd you come from?
I'm John and I come from Bristol.
Hello! Hello, John.
Sophie from Bolton.
Oh, lovely stuff.
Oh, hello! Who's that?
There's more of us.
Hello! Hello. Hello.
I'm Joanne. Hello, Joanne.
Hello, Steve. Hello.
Hey, Alex.
Right, OK.
"Create the best single picture
"of an animal doing something surprising."
"All six blinds must be fully
"and equally involved in your picture.
"You may not see each other's work
"and you may only say two words at a time."
"You may only say two words at a time."
Right?
"After the task, your pieces will be lined up
"next to each other in this order.
"One, shortest Wikipedia entry.
"Two, Best Show at the Edinburgh Fringe winner."
"Smallest shoe size."
I think that's me.
"The person whom Alex said hello to first."
"Five, most Twitter followers.
"Six, lowest-scoring full name in Scrabble."
"You may not move outside of your segment.
"You have 15 minutes.
"Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle."
ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
Hi, Nick.
Hi, Steve.
Pulling blinds.
Me, too.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But it's funny, at this stage of the game
you're all being so sickeningly friendly
and polite to each other.
I'd love to see how that will change over time.
Shall we?
Yes, so, they had to paint one picture per team,
and their six segments were going to be lined up
in a certain order. Yes.
But the main problem is they could only use two words at a time each.
So, here's how they all got on at painting on blinds,
and talking two words at a time, and that sort of thing.
Colour?
Uh, green.
Lovely.
Animal?
Giraffe?
Lying down?
Giving birth.
LAUGHTER
Dog car.
What?
Dog car.
Oh. OK. Dog driving.
Front car.
Giraffe lying.
Giraffe lying?
Long picture.
Yes. Portrait.
Yes.
Which...? Which...? You paint.
Which blind?
First was?
Shortest Wiki.
What? Ah.
I don't have a fucking clue - what's going on. - I do. LAUGHTER
Oh! Up there!
Up where?
Above door.
Ah, fuck!
Sophie Wiki?
Vole. Bold?
Vole dancing.
Sophie Wiki. What?
One, Nick. Head, Nick.
Yes. Two, Steve.
Neck, yes?
Yes.
Wiki length.
Uh, small.
Joanne length?
Mine's longer.
OK. Wrote myself.
LAUGHTER
Sophie first. You what?
Bonnet profile.
"Bonnet profile"?
Side-on. You what?
Side-on.
Head height?
Mine?
Nipple.
LAUGHTER
Confused, Steve.
Sophie bonnet.
Side-on.
What the fuck? LAUGHTER
Two words. What? What?
Private parts?
Big ones.
Legs akimbo?
Yes, please.
Car colour? Car red.
Thank you.
Paint fence? Fence paint?
Two words.
Using roller.
Shit.
Catching up.
Ten seconds left.
ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
That was really... Yeah. You can't look at each other's work,
so if you just head towards the front door... Both of us? Mm-hm.
We get to say hello to each other?
SOPHIE LAUGHS Hello!
THEY LAUGH How are you?
I'm very good! How are you?
Look at your hands. I know.
I got a bit carried away, actually, cos I got very confused.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Did you think you understood what was happening?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, your team-mates did.
In fact, one of my favourite moments was when you announced
for the third time you didn't know what the fuck was going on,
and Joanne went, "I do."
LAUGHTER
I was like, "Come on!"
Why were you shouting "vogue dancing"? LAUGHTER
She was shouting "vole". That was "vole". She was...
"Vole dancing"? Yeah.
They'd agreed to do a dog driving, but... Yeah.
...she had other ideas.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I thought, "I can draw a vole."
Right. Uh, you two, however, seemed like an absolute dream team.
We had some Chuckle Brothers energy going on, I think, between us.
There was a little confusion about nipple height.
LAUGHTER
Yes. Yes.
Correct me if I'm wrong -
the giraffe will specifically have big genitals.
Yes, that exchange went,
"Legs akimbo?"
"Yes, please." "Private parts?" "Big ones."
LAUGHTER
Right. Break time.
I know you want to see their pictures,
but you're just impatient these days, aren't you?
so you'll have to wait.
I said you'll have to wait!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
Welcome back to Taskmaster. Is it finally time, Alex?
It's time, Greg.
The teams have painted their best pictures
of animals doing something surprising
on their roller blinds,
and we're going to see their creations.
The order they had to be put in was very specific,
which is why it's so impressive
that Steve and Nick's giraffe giving birth looks like this.
SOPHIE GASPS, AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Oh, wow! APPLAUSE
Not bad, is it? Not bad.
Sorry, but that's sort of what it looks like.
LAUGHTER
Unfortunately, one of them did do landscape,
one of them did do portrait,
so it actually looks like this when you line them up.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I mean, that certainly helps with the big genitals part of it.
LAUGHTER
It certainly does.
It's not a bad start. OK. Uh, dare I ask for the next one?
Sure.
Here is their picture of a dog driving
and a cow dancing and bird smoking.
LAUGHTER
It's good!
I like it.
APPLAUSE
I mean, it's accidental, but I kind of like it as a bit of art.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll put the two of them next to each other
and you can judge them, Greg. Yeah.
Uh, there we go. Oh.
I will give the giraffe five points, which is over-generous. OK.
The other one is absolute madness...
LAUGHTER
...but there's some enjoyable individual effort,
so I'm going to give them three points,
which is again hugely generous. OK.
The winners are Nick and Steve. Five points each. Well done.
APPLAUSE
Right, can we please have another one, Alex?
Yes. Yes, we can, Greg,
and for this series we've gone down to the Taskmaster farm.
Ooh! Ooh.
LAUGHTER
Hey, Alex.
This is really exciting.
Never seen anything like it, that run. I know.
Right. Here we are.
Right. The Nile.
The Nile. Not really, no.
Look at that water. I cannot wait.
No.
"Hoopla Gary before he crosses the finish line."
"Your time is doubled every time one of your limbs gets wet."
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now."
Is this Gary?
I don't know.
Is something coming down there? Down the river?
Gary?! LAUGHTER
Oh, here we go.
You found Gary.
There's a gorilla on a boat.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I really loved watching Dracula run towards the task.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
It's really quite life-affirming.
Shall we crack on? Sure. Yes, OK.
And if you've always wanted to see a vampire attempt
to get a hoop over a gorilla on a raft,
you're going to absolutely love this.
It's Nick.
So, I've got to hoopla him around the head?
No.
Tricky, innit?
Come on, Gary.
Oh, God.
You've only got one hoop left.
HE EXHALES
LAUGHTER
What a let-down. I was really excited about that.
All right. Come on, then.
Ooh, it's cold!
LAUGHTER
Is this safe? Cos I'm quite short. LAUGHTER
All right. Oh, my God!
You've got to hoopla Gary pretty quick now.
Come on, Gary. LAUGHTER
Oh, it... it is cold, innit?
APPLAUSE
Can I ask you if your arms are wet?
My arms aren't wet at all. OK.
I'll tell you what's wet - my legs.
Well, I'd guessed that.
Right, Gary. Which one shall we do?
Nailed it.
I've stopped the clock.
APPLAUSE
I think you're in danger of ruining Dracula's reputation.
LAUGHTER It's like... He's quite camp, isn't he?
I just...
He is, but so adorably so.
I genuinely enjoyed it. I hadn't been in a river in years.
I mean, you don't. LAUGHTER
Past a certain age, you don't, do you? No.
Unless you kind of have, like, a midlife crisis
and start wild swimming and stuff, but I've not reached that yet.
Yeah, wild swimming, or as it was once called, swimming.
LAUGHTER Yes.
Well done, Nick. Thank you.
OK, well, it's time for three more attempts.
Not you, Sophie. You're going to have to wait.
You know what you've done.
LAUGHTER
It's time for John, Joanne, and Steve.
There's a boat. Ah, there he is!
Hey, Gary. Wait there a sec.
I'm going to try with the small one first.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Ooh! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Skimmed.
Gary! OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Brilliant. Keep going?
Well, if you want, but I've stopped the clock. You've stopped the clock? You did it.
The wind isn't great now.
Ah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
Alex, I'm running out of things.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There we go.
You've done well. Thank you.
Can I have a couple of distance goes for fun?
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The pleased-with-yourself walk-off. Not really ironic, was it? You were genuinely thrilled.
I'm still pleased with myself. LAUGHTER
I would've been as well. Fair play. Enjoy it, Steve?
Yeah, I enjoyed it.
It was like being in the fairground again.
Boom. Joanne?
Loved it. My memory is that I got it the first time.
Second time for you. Second time, not bad.
All three of you, at the end of the day, it's not exciting,
but... you did quite well.
Now, that tells me... that there's a reason why Sophie's been left.
LAUGHTER
It's the last break of the episode.
Come back to see who's going to win three things
that sound a bit like "Greg Davies", a jug, and some eggs Benedict.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, again. Welcome back to the final part of the episode.
Yes. Hello to you all, including anyone watching from prison.
LAUGHTER
The current task sees our cast trying to throw a hoop over Gary,
the non-endangered gorilla.
So far, four people have tried and four people have succeeded.
Now...
...it's Sophie's turn.
I think what I'm going to do is
I'm going to wait for Gary to get over here.
Right, OK.
He's taking his time. Come on, Gary. Step it up.
LAUGHTER
Right, let's get going, then. Hang on.
Come on!
LAUGHTER
No.
Right, this is my chance, really, in't it?
Oh...
If I don't get him now, I never will.
Shit.
Come on, Gary.
No!
Come on, Gary.
Oh, shit. LAUGHTER
Come on.
Nearly! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Shit.
It's not gone well.
Well, you've got about ten seconds.
Well, how...? I've not... I don't want...
Ah!
I can't get a limb wet.
I'll just get one limb...
Just one. Ah! Oh, my...! LAUGHTER
Ah! Gary!
Ah!
Oh! Oh!
LAUGHTER Oh, oh! Ah! Oh, oh!
Ah! Ah!
I'm going down!
Oh, my God, Alex!
Are you all right? Get me out!
I'll get you out in a bit. Fuck! I nearly drowned.
Yeah, no, that's very dangerous. Yeah.
I think I got carried away.
Yeah. Almost drowned.
Are you out?
It's very...
It's like quicksand in the middle. LAUGHTER
Oh, my God.
Yeah. Have to check on your limbs.
I think this... this arm's quite...
No, that's wet as well. LAUGHTER
Is that Gary?
No, that's the scarecrow wearing some waders to keep you dry.
Oh, yeah.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Long walk back as well.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Just fascinating.
Alex didn't help.
Did you notice when I was grappling with my life...
LAUGHTER Yeah.
He doesn't.
There's this myth going around that he's a nice guy. Yeah.
I saw it. Yeah. He's an arsehole. Yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
This is where I got intrigued.
You seemed to attempt to hop across a river.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I don't think I'd do well in an apocalypse.
LAUGHTER
You know, under pressure. It's a lot, isn't it?
It is, yeah. LAUGHTER
Do you know what you shouted? What?
"I'm going down."
LAUGHTER
And actually, she did look... I was! ...genuinely panicked... Yes.
...at one point. Yes. No, I would... I would like to apologise... I was.
...for not doing anything at all to help.
LAUGHTER I am sorry. I do regret that.
Well, absolutely awful.
So, shall we give some points out?
Well, Sophie, first of all, didn't actually complete the task,
and then got all four limbs wet,
so I don't know what you want to do with that.
Well, I want to give her no points. Right.
LAUGHTER
But you're the people's champion.
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Uh, Nick took two minutes 45.
Two limbs got wet, so that doubles twice to 11 minutes.
John, two minutes five seconds.
Steve, one minute 28 seconds.
And a new European record, Joanne 48 seconds and five points!
Wow! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's have a look at the scores. Yes, unfortunately, Sophie,
you do still have quite a low number - six.
At the other end, Joanne, 13, Steve, 14, and John has 15 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very good. OK, everyone.
For the first time this series,
will you please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, Alex. Oh, hi, Greg. Who's going to read the task out for us?
Oh, I think Nick Mohammed's going to read it.
Here we go. "Bring your sausage to life.
"You have 30 seconds.
"You may not write any words on your drawing.
"Best sausage wins."
Yes, so, there's going to be four rounds of this,
and you're bringing your sausage to life in different ways.
This is their sausage, Greg.
Oh, what a lovely sausage.
So, every round, you add to the one picture?
Yes, I'll give you a new characteristic
for that sausage. Oh!
The worst sausage each time will be eliminated.
Oh, God.
So, Greg will now give you the first category.
After Alex's whistle, make your sausage human.
ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
The least human sausage will be eliminated.
And they're off, Greg.
I will be eliminating someone.
Sophie hasn't started. Make it... I've finished.
Oh, apologies.
ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
Pens down!
Round one is over, Greg. Would you like to see Joanne's sausage?
I would, thank you.
Oh!
Oh, great. LAUGHTER
I just immediately drew reproductive organs
of both sexes, so...
Oh, I see.
That's just eyes - obviously, very human.
Teeth, very human. Reproductive organs there.
That's the fallopian tubes.
The vulva.
And then the penis and testes.
You don't get more human than that.
Exactly! That's what I was thinking. Nice. That is a strong opener.
John, please show Greg your sausage.
LAUGHTER
I like it, John.
I wanted to give human characteristics
without putting all of my eggs into one human basket.
Lovely. I like John's smile. OK.
Not necessarily any more than I like Joanne's penis.
LAUGHTER
OK, it's Nick Mohammed next.
It's similar to John's, in a way.
Ah. That took 30 seconds, Greg.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. You're sticking with the Dracula thing, yeah?
I just suddenly thought that doesn't make it human, though, does it? No.
LAUGHTER
Let's have a look at Sophie's drawing.
I think I've shown humanity in a sausage.
And we've gone portrait as well.
Oh.
Existentialism.
LAUGHTER
He's going through a crisis, all right.
He's asking questions.
He is. "Who am I?" It's lovely. Thank you. Do you want to see my sausage?
Oh, I... I really do, and I'm hoping it's shit.
Oh, no, it's not. Oh, hang on.
Pop it up the other way.
We've been here before, haven't we, Steve?
LAUGHTER
Sausage party girl.
She's quite fey, isn't she?
Yeah, she's off to a festival.
You know, she's hoping to hear some bangers and, um...
Yeah. AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS
Come on, Greg!
This guy's going to push me to the edge over the series. LAUGHTER
So, you're going to have eliminate one of these,
and this person will get one point, so who is that Greg?
I'm going to have to get rid of Dracula. Sorry. Aw. One point to Nick Mohammed. That's all right.
APPLAUSE
Please collect in your sausages. Round two, Greg.
Make your sausage scary.
Least scary sausage is eliminated.
Adapt that sausage. ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
Pens down!
Would you like to see some scary sausages, Greg?
Yes, I would. Joanne.
Here's my sausage. Oh!
Wow.
Thank you.
That is...
And I got rid of the womb, cos men are scarier.
Satan's going to be a man... Yeah. ...right, girls? Right.
Am I right? LAUGHTER
Do you want to see John's sausage now?
Yes, I do.
Well, it's still a mouth, but the lipstick...
Ah. ..has become blood!
It's blood! LAUGHTER
Sophie.
LAUGHTER
It looks to me like your sausage is just holding up a big oven chip.
LAUGHTER
It's a knife.
Oh, it's a knife. Ah.
If I'd have got the blood in,
an angry sausage on a... on the rampage.
Steve? Um, so...
Oh, nice.
...she's gone psycho.
It's Texas Chainsaw Sausage.
And she's holding the head of a human.
Four scary sausages, Greg. Which one were you least scared of?
I think we all know which one I was least scared of. LAUGHTER
I'm afraid Sophie is eliminated.
Two points to Sophie Willan.
APPLAUSE Unlucky, Sophie.
OK, what's round three, Greg?
Round three is make your sausage sporty. Adapt that sausage.
ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
Stop adapting your sausages.
Would you like to see Joanne's sporty sausage?
You know I would. LAUGHTER
Tennis racquet. Oh, is that what it is?
Yeah. Egg and spoon. LAUGHTER
Footballs. Yeah.
And that's speed.
LAUGHTER
What I'm seeing is a big sausage on wheels
farting its way towards a lollypop.
LAUGHTER He's moving, though.
Would you like to see John's sporty sausage?
Yes, please.
Picture the scene. LAUGHTER
A velodrome. OK.
Team GB are going for the, uh, cycling gold.
Uh, they're on their bicycles... Yeah.
...which are at the bottom, and they're cycling so fast, Greg,
they've given themselves terrible gum disease.
LAUGHTER
One sausage left, Greg.
This is, um... Hockey. ...a hockey game.
Yeah.
We've got the hockey stick with the fingers holding it,
and this person's tackling.
Yeah.
And this is the ball... Yeah.
...and, uh, the sausage character... is about to score...
Lovely. ..a goal. I could see it was hockey straight away.
Least sporty sausage, Greg.
I just don't believe that Team GB suffer
from cracked and bleeding mouths...
LAUGHTER
...so I'm going to eliminate John.
Third place and three points to John Robins.
APPLAUSE
Woo!
What is the final category, Greg? Make your sausage sexy.
Adapt those sausages. ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
- And they're off. - Oh, Christ. LAUGHTER
ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
Stop making your sausages sexy, please.
Would you like to see Joanne's sexy sausage first?
Let's see that sexed-up sausage. LAUGHTER
This is a stripper pole...
Oh.
...that it's spinning around on. Yes, the sexiest of all things.
These are, uh, some breasts.
Yes.
Quite... Quite a few breasts.
Yeah, well, it's a sausage. He's not short of space.
These are kind of, you know,
the kinky boots that sexy women wear. Uh-huh.
This is some sort of thong.
Yeah. A bit of lingerie.
That's it - a thong on a sausage.
LAUGHTER
Now you've got Poppa's attention. LAUGHTER
And then this is a gimp mask on the head. OK.
LAUGHTER
Thank you, Joanne. APPLAUSE
Steve, the heat is on.
We've gone a little bit S&M.
We've got a nice harness on. Yeah.
We've added some lipstick for sexiness. Mm. So sexy.
So, that is a sexy mouth. Yeah.
There's the whip there.
Yeah. Can you see the sexy braids? Absolutely.
If I want to get sexy, you'd better get them braids in.
LAUGHTER
I can't mark these on sexiness,
so I think what I've got to do is to give the most points
to the sheer amount of sexual reference.
There's more sexual references in Joanne's weird drawing
than there is in Steve's weird drawing,
so let's go four and five.
There we go. The winner is Joanne McNally - five points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, why don't you all come down here
and we'll see what that's done to the final scores?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, hi, everyone. Wow.
Oh, so many sausages. Those sausages rocked. Yeah.
Greg, we have a three-way tie. Look at the scoreboard.
Whoa!
Yes, Joanne, John, and Steve are in the lead.
APPLAUSE
Well, what are we going to do?
We do a chess piece in a chest of peas tie-break, Greg.
Obviously.
Let's see how they all got on.
"Which chess piece is not in the peas chest?"
"Fastest correct answer wins."
"Your time starts now."
I don't know anything about chess, so I'm just going to guess.
Sorry, dear. So sorry, dear.
No-one else is going to know this either,
except for Steve Pemberton.
Six, seven. My answer is a white pawn.
So, there's a pawn missing, then.
I bet it's one that's somewhere in the...
Oh, it's this one. Stop.
Ah, yes!
APPLAUSE
Well, I think we have a winner, don't we?
We do. I can tell you Joanne was four minutes 28,
John, one minute 26,
Steve Pemberton, 13 seconds, and the episode.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Steve Pemberton wins!
Please go and fumble with the things that you can mumble.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Subtitles by Red Bee Media