This was a mistake!
Shut up! Pardon?
HONKS HORN
Oh!
You're mad.
Wow.
SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY
ALEX PLAYS THE FRENCH HORN
APPLAUSE
This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Hello, thank you.
I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to this brand-new series of Taskmaster.
I have never felt so full of hope.
The tasks are new, the contestants are new.
And whilst I was enjoying my single origin espresso this morning,
they were being shaved down
and put through our 12-point hygiene programme, ready for battle.
So they all smell just great...
..for now.
So let's meet the new recruits,
ready to risk it all to take home daddy's golden head.
HE LAUGHS
"Daddy's golden head of destiny" is
a sentence I forgot I wrote.
Please welcome, Fatiha El-Ghorri,
Jason Mantzoukas,
Mathew Baynton,
Rosie Ramsey,
and Stevie Martin.
And next to me, a man who is
a lifelong supporter of Liverpool football club
and tells me that the only downside to that
is meeting the other fans,
who he finds to be universally stupid and physically disgusting.
HE SQUEAKS It's little Alex Horne!
Hello, everyone.
I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick!
And I know you love magic, Greg. I love magic.
Well, you're going to love this magic trick, it's called
the magic pen.
It looks like an ordinary pen... Mm-hm.
..but I've signed it using the pen.
How?
I'll tell you how... Magic!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Magic...
A magic pen.
How's it done?
I know what you're thinking, maybe I've used a second pen?
Well, look, here is another pen, also signed.
How?!
I'll tell you how... Magic.
DRAMATIC MUSIC Magic...
Could there be another pen? Yes, but also signed.
Magic!
Yeah, I know the man well and I wouldn't be surprised
if there's a fourth pen.
HE WHISPERS
Magic.
Magic!
I'm quite impressed.
I don't think you'd go to a fifth, though.
I did, actually, and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.
I just couldn't... I don't know, that's the magic trick.
An auspicious beginning to a new season.
Series, Jason.
I'm with him, you're a guest in this country.
You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.
OK, let's have our first Prize Task category, please.
OK, and we're starting the series with
the object that reminds you of school the most, in a good way.
Hmm. We all know Greg used to be a teacher,
we also know Greg has played teachers on TV,
and as the Taskmaster, he's sort of like a headteacher.
So, yes, Greg's got range.
Five points...
I've not got range?
I'm amazed you're in showbiz.
You should be at most an assistant bank manager.
So five points will be gifted to the bringer of
the item Greg likes best
and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes in
a great big school satchel. Peace out, man.
OK, Fatiha, welcome to Taskmaster, what have you brought me?
So I brought in a golf club.
Here it is.
That reminds her of school the most, in a good way.
As a kid I used to be really naughty.
And my mum had enough so she came up the school
and she goes to the teacher,
"If Fatiha keeps on playing up, hit her."
And then he got this thing
and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move and then...
And he would hit you with a golf club?
No, he would pretend to. Are you mad?
Am I mad?
No, he would pretend to,
so he'd, like, try to scare me into being a good girl.
So the thing that you've brought in that reminds you of school in
a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to threaten you with?
Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.
Ah!
The glass is half full.
Jason,
what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?
This, for me, was something that was ubiquitous in my high school.
It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on
the blackboard that you pulled down like this. Ooh! Oh, sweet.
Right? See, I thought you might like that. Here it is.
Ah. Ah, yeah. Nice.
I mean, how satisfying is that?
That's nice. If I could just imagine myself in the world...
So your childhood imagination just soared?
Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.
Wow. It's both heart warming and tragic.
Who's next?
Oh, I've got some...I've got some facts about America if you want?
No, thanks. OK.
Mathew?
I have brought the TV trolley.
Oh, yes.
Another blinding move. He's won, yeah.
It's just the sweet nostalgia.
When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in
for 45 minutes of watching a probably late '70s,
early '80s, old episode of Equinox.
Yes.
Some science documentary, and you would ignore the educational content
and you would just be sort of laughing at the fashion.
Well, having been a teacher, I can give you a bit of
a glance behind the magician's curtain here.
Because normally you would see the film or
the documentary on a Friday,
and the reason for that is the teachers had all been to
the pub.
And I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint-lunch.
No.
Every Friday?
And it was Guinness too, so I was heavy.
Thank you, I like your trolley.
I mean I've got to say, the golf club's looking
less and less appealing.
Rosie, welcome. Thank you.
What have you brought in?
I've brought my school dinner.
Oh...
So that's chicken with gravy.
Is it?
Gravy should not stand up.
JASON: What's all the way to the left, next to the brown turd?
Oh, that's stuffing.
STEVIE: The dessert is on the same thing as the main... Yeah.
..so a pea could go in your...
That's all right, it all goes in the same stomach. OK.
That's bold.
This is good.
Stevie, school, good times?
No, but I found like a sort of
cultural cache in my school, which involves the Prize Task.
Write "cultural cache" down. Yes.
Is it hold it down to get the E acute?
Stay with me.
Yeah, yeah, um...
It is.
Um, so scented gel pens. Oh.
So what people would do is draw their name for
the person they were going out with, and then everyone would
just walk around smelling the back of their hand all day. Yeah.
But the cultural cache was that my name begins with "S" so I could do
the Superman S thing which was... Ah, that's nice.
Do you know the Superman S thing? Yeah. Yes, of course.
OK.
You said that you were in the '70s, or something, I don't know.
Oh, they had Superman, didn't they, in the '70s?
Yeah, they did.
I'm not Victorian.
Sorry...sorry, yes, yes.
Five objects there, Greg.
What reminds you of school in the least good way out of them?
Well, obviously being hit with a golf club.
One point to Fatiha, well done, we're off the mark.
I mean, I guess I have to judge it on
the things that make me go "Ah" the most, so I have
to give Stevie two points
because gel pens are a little bit new for me.
Two to Stevie.
Three to the school dinner. OK.
Uh, for no other reason than we need to move on. OK.
And, uh...
I love the VHS trolley
but it also slightly reminds me of my own teaching days.
And I love the romance of the map.
So five points to Jason, four points to Mathew.
There we go. Well done, Jason Mantzouka. Five points.
Right, let's get going.
OK, well, hands down
and heads up as we kick off proceedings in the lab.
Hello, hello, hello.
Fancy seeing you here.
Jason.
Alex.
Hi. Excellent entrance. Thank you.
Oh!
Is this the lab?
Wait, am I in the wrong room?
It's the lab, innit?
Bit weird. Can we read this? I'm not wasting any time. Right.
Hello. Stevie.
Yes. Did you get lost?
I went to the wrong room.
Let's go.
Put your hands on the hands,
shut your eyes and keep them shut until you hear the whistle.
Your time starts now. Put your hands on the hands?
Yes, please. Oh, I'm scared. OK.
Are they shut? Yeah, they're shut.
Marvellous.
OK, what?
Oi, don't make me look silly, innit.
I wouldn't dream of it.
Wow.
WHISTLE
Can I open my eyes now? Yes, if you've heard the whistle.
Ah!
Ha-ha-ha! What...what is in there?
Yeah, that's what I thought,
two jars of piss.
You can pop your glasses on again, if you want?
Son of a bitch.
OK, you can read the next part of the task now.
Oh, you're taking the mick. How am I going to do that?
Oh, I hate this.
Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.
Fastest wins.
For every millimetre spilt...
..one second will be added to your time.
Your time starts when you heard the whistle. OK.
Alex, where's the fish tank?
Let me guess, it's underneath me?
Is that a fish tank? Is this a fish tank?
Good, Fatiha said "Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit."
And all I've written is, you have come to the wrong show, my friend.
No, she was furious from
the moment we said shut your eyes. "Oh, for goodness' sake."
Yeah, that's how I am, honestly.
Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted
and I called the police. Yeah.
You reported him cos he hadn't kept up to speed
with his chocolate supply? Yeah.
Wow.
Well, we begin with Fatiha and Jason...
..and Mat...
..and Stevie...
..and that's it, sorry Rosie, here we go.
Laughing doesn't help.
Oh, I can't...
What happens if it smash...
SHE BREATHES DEEPLY
Ooh.
It's going to take some time.
And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.
Your fingers bend the wrong way.
Which way up are they?
That's amazing!
Don't start.
Don't start me off.
My assumption is I can...
Wow. Now what?
Come on, you.
Why are you laughing, bro?
OK.
Right, now we're cooking.
Perfect.
See you in a minute. We're going to follow you.
Course you're going to follow me.
It's all science-y in here.
This season's theme? Science.
Oh, goddamn.
It's probably in the shed.
Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.
Pour the vinegar in the fish tank.
If I don't find it soon I'm going to drink it. OK.
I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.
OK, well, I hope it's you in a way.
This is a tank.
No, it's not a tank.
Well, that's a sub... It's a submarine. Hmm.
All right, have I lost my mind?
Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv. What's this?
What does it look like?
You fucking assholes.
Wait, oh! Fish tank!
Oh, fuck.
I just spilt some.
This is pouring everywhere.
Oh, OK, OK, I don't like that.
Son of a bitch.
Thank you.
Oh, this is good.
OK.
All the vinegar's in the fish tank?
Yeah, yeah, it is. I've stopped the clock.
Done. Whoa! That was exciting.
Yeah, for you.
You're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit.
Have I gone past it and just not seen it?
I genuinely don't know, I can't imagine so.
You genuinely don't know?
Bullshit.
Just doing laps now.
I'm going back in here.
Fuck off!
Hi, Mathew, did you find the fish tank?
Yeah. Found the fish tank?
You remember I said I'd either hate myself or you? Yeah.
It's you.
It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year.
Mathew ran around a garden.
What were you thinking when you were just running round the garden?
Uh, looking for a fish tank.
And then when you did find it, you were very angry. Yeah.
What, were you angry at the pun?
Yeah. Yeah.
I think that's what we all got. I think collectively.
Fairly, I agree with.
No, I mean, it was irritating. So irritating.
Stevie, I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting that if
you didn't find the tank soon, you were going
to drink the liquid.
Especially as in the early part, you'd identified it as piss.
It was quite dehydrating, the process.
And also as well, I just completely ignored the two jar lids.
It messes with your brain, doesn't it? Yeah.
You learn this is the stuff that he loves. Yeah.
He sits at home going "Ooh-oh-oh!".
And I can tell you that so far, the person who's doing
the best in the task is Stevie.
You did seven minutes 42, and you didn't spill anything.
Mat didn't spill anything either, took 12 minutes, three seconds.
Looked worse than that but because of the lack of spillage,
you were fine.
Jason, you were much quicker but your
millilitres or spill-ilitres, you could call them spill-ilitres...
Let's not do that.
..tipped you over to 17 minutes, 29. I'm so sorry.
Because I was "penna-lised" for spilling?
"PE-nalised", and Fatiha you were... Yeah, yeah.
And Fatiha, ten minutes, 12.
But we're not going to find out how Rosie's done till after the break.
Oh! Oh, that builds the tension.
It must be really shit.
Go on, then, off you pop.
I said it's break time - go!
Hello!
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Our first task is under way and the new contestants
have been trying to pour all of their vinegar into a fish tank.
A fish tank which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish.
It's clever, it's funny and it winds Greg up.
Tick, tick, tick.
For every millilitre spilt, one second will be added to their time.
Rosie has watched all of her rivals' attempts
and now she has to watch herself back knowing
what's happened before her. So good luck, Rosie.
Hmm.
Well done.
Can I go in here? OK.
Fish tank...
How's it going, Rosie?
Um, it's...I'm...no, I haven't found anything yet.
This is a bath.
It's a...that's not a fish tank.
I don't think... I've not seen a fish tank anywhere.
Nah.
I'm just looking for a fish tank.
Anything could be a fish tank, really, couldn't it?
OK.
Is that a fish tank or a jar?
It's a jar, isn't it?
Do you want me to stop the clock, Rosie? Yeah, stop the clock.
OK, bye. OK, bye. Watch them fish.
I mean, should I disqualify you or not?
No! What?
It's not a fish tank.
Do you want me to tell you the definition of a fish tank?
I do want you to tell me. Well, it's a tank driven by a fish...
..or a transparent container of water in which live fish
and other water creatures and plants are kept.
But I thought outside the box.
She did think outside the box. I did think outside the box.
Well, shall I tell you the times? And you can decide what to do.
Stevie was the quickest with 7.42,
then Fatiha, ten minutes, Mat, 12 minutes,
Rosie was 15 and a half minutes.
OK. Didn't spill a drop.
Jason, cos of his spillage was 17 minutes, 29.
If it had been a normal fish tank, then I would be penalising Rosie but
because it was a stupid play on words,
I'm going to allow her fish tank.
Well done. Yay! Yes!
OK, so you're saying that Jason comes last, one point.
Two points to Rosie, three to Mat,
four to Fatiha, but Stevie gets the full five points!
Let's have our first scoreboard, please.
Joint leaders with seven points are Mat and Stevie.
What's next, my cylindrical little piglet?
Don't mind that.
Backwards and forwards thing cool
a doing involves task next this Greg well.
Oh, God.
You look very cool.
I know.
You look nice.
I look...?
Cool?
Cool guy.
Thank you.
If you could use one word to describe me, what would it be?
Ridiculous. Oh.
Not what I was hoping for.
"Do something really cool.
"You have a maximum of ten minutes.
"Your time starts now."
Is there a bin?
Cool's sort of not caring.
Yeah, I don't care.
Or is it actually cool to be passionate?
Now, super quick question, can I get on the roof?
I would say you definitely can't do that.
HE SIGHS
Really...? I can't go out into traffic?
No.
Can't get on the roof, can't go on the road.
You know what? Comedy thrives on "yes, and", not "no, but".
It wasn't even "no, but". It was "you definitely can't".
Oh, that's anti-cool.
Oh, OK.
What cool things can you do?
Let's think of cool things I can't do. Right.
And then we try to find something that I can do.
What's cool? What, what is cool?
Lemonade?
Yeah, lemonade is cool.
What do you do that's cool?
Sometimes spit.
Urgh.
What? Yuck.
I'm going to go and get a guitar.
It's time, Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, happy with that?
Yeah, see you later, mate. Move.
Oh, would...? Actually, would you mind sitting down? So sorry.
Oh, OK, yeah, fine, yeah, sorry.
That's actually rude rather than cool. I know.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
There is one more thing.
Great.
"Do your cool thing backwards.
"The cool thing backwards, played backwards,
"that looks most like the forwards cool thing, played forwards,
"wins."
Oh...
LAUGHTER
"You have 15 minutes. Your time starts now."
APPLAUSE
Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm looking forward to
Mathew playing a song backwards.
Well, we're going to start with
Martin Stevie doing something cool, backwards.
It's time, Horne.
REVERSED SPEECH: It's time, Horne.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So that was the footage reversed, obviously.
Oh, was it? Yes. Oh!
Stevie, I'm not one for platitudes,
it might be the single coolest thing I've ever seen.
I enjoyed the addition of the little man popping out of the bin.
I've got no notes.
Fine. It will go downhill, right?
Well, there's Mat playing guitar next, so... Here we go.
I'm Mathew Baynton, and this is Cool.
# Don't let the bad kids get you down
# Turn that big frown upside down
# You'd be a fool
# If you thought that not caring was cool. #
REVERSED SPEECH: Hey, I'm Mathew Baynton.
And this is...Cool.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Pretty looc.
Really looc.
I mean, I thought you were this generation's Morrissey
before I even...before I even saw it reversed.
Quite Eurovision, sort of '70s Eurovision.
It straddles the genres. It does. Yeah.
I mean, if this is the last thing you achieve in your life,
you've done well, I think.
I think it's powerful.
Thank you. Can I get a rewind?
You can, because it's time for Rosie Ramsey.
Can you give me a sick, sick beat?
OK.
ALEX BEATBOXES
LAUGHTER
OBJECTS CLATTER
APPLAUSE
I've got kids. Ah, yes.
I actually felt like we were watching CCTV from a secure unit.
Uh, really, uh, really bad.
OK.
And now, as I always say
partway through Alex's and my playful wrestling sessions,
it's time for a break!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Welcome back to the third part of the show,
where our cool new contestants have to be cool
and then do that cool thing backwards.
Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.
Next up, and good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg,
it's Fatiha's attempt.
REVERSED SPEECH
OMINOUS CHORAL MUSIC
ALEX SPEAKS, REVERSED
LAUGHTER
What the fuck's going on?
LAUGHTER
Do you want to see it going forward?
Well, I need to, cos at the moment I just feel angry.
OK, well, this is the cool thing she did forwards,
then let's see if you understand it after that.
If we get some sweets and then you eat one
and I can tell which one it is by the way you're chewing.
For real, man. For real. I'm not even playing with you.
Well, that's quite cool. I'm so good at that game.
Yeah, go.
It's in.
OK! Right.
Start chewing it.
Is it this?
LAUGHTER
Is it this?
This is not going to plan.
LAUGHTER
Yeah!
I only had seven goes.
And I got it on the eighth.
Wow, pleased?
Yeah, if we were holding hands I would've got it on the first one.
Mm.
APPLAUSE
OK, Fatiha, what's going on here?
Because that's not a known game.
It is. Me and my friend play it all the time and I always win.
Oh, play? Yeah.
What, present tense?
Only with him, cos you have to have a connection.
Do you know why it didn't work?
Because muppet features over there had glasses on.
Oh, so it was Alex's fault.
Yeah, it was.
Why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off?
Cos I thought... LAUGHTER
Shut up!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Who buys the sweets, do you...?
Any of us. Either... If he doesn't bring them,
do you call the police on him?
APPLAUSE
OK, one left to see, Greg. Yeah.
It's Jason Mantzoukas.
REVERSED SPEECH: Locked...door.
Locked door.
Lock pick set.
You've got 30 seconds.
REVERSED SPEECH: Lock...pick set.
LAUGHTER
Cool!
Looc!
ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
Huh, pretty cool, right?
It was pretty cool.
Yeah! I mean, what am I, Magnum PI?
Where did they come from?
My bag.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Undeniably impressive.
I've been side-tracked, though, by when you were asked
where you got the lock picking set... Yes.
..um, you replied, "From my bag." Correct. OK.
Who are you?
Well, you might have also heard me say, "Who am I, Magnum PI?"
Because that is where I learned those skills. So...
And I became obsessed with picking locks. So you went...
So I bought a lock pick set. OK.
And you can also buy practice locks... OK, don't...
..that you can practise... ..don't use this tone
that I'm the fool here.
Listen up, dummy!
Yes, and if you're wondering,
the lock pick set is in my dressing room right now.
Who do you let on this show, bruv?
Says fucking Guess The Sweet.
Well, who's only going to get one point, then?
Well, Fatiha. Correct. What?!
What?
I feel like I've dissed Rosie really badly,
but it's probably the least accurate.
Two points for Rosie.
Oh, God. Everybody else was pretty good.
Maybe Jason gets three.
I'm going to make a rogue decision and say that,
because I think that he moved the hearts of the nation
with his beautiful song,
I'm going to give Mathew the five points, and then...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Four to Stevie, five to Mathew.
Incredible. Caring is cool!
I'd like another task, please, little Alex Horne.
OK. Yes, and roll up, roll up.
No, I don't mean reefers, Greg!
I mean it's time... LAUGHTER
..for the greatest sporting event of all time.
Wow.
Where have you been?
Just been for a little hike around the forest, clearly.
Hmm.
Shall we do it?
Uh, by we I mean me, and you just...
..stand around.
"Win the Pea Olympics."
"Win the Pealy-mpics."
Pea-lympics.
Well, P-E-A-L-Y.
"Pealy".
M-P-I-C-S, "mpics".
Pealy-mpics. Pealy-mpics.
There are five events.
The top two performers in each event get a medal.
Most medals wins.
Mm-hm. So it doesn't matter if you come first or second,
as long as you come first or second.
All right. Yeah? Yeah.
Ready for the Pealympics?
I... Do I have a choice?
No.
Yeah, exactly.
APPLAUSE
OK. Straight in? Straight in.
Well, first up it is Fatiha
and Mat-iha.
Five events. This is event number one.
Work out which pillow the pea is under...
In the fewest guesses.
You have three minutes.
Well, it could be any of them, couldn't it?
Could be.
I think it's that yellow one. Right.
Chop, chop. It's not under there.
The green one next to it, please.
Right. No.
The order of colours changes around here.
Oh, that's interesting.
Is that arbitrary?
Either is or isn't.
MUTTERS: Two, four, six, eight, ten...
How many are there? 26.
It's a nice number.
Whatever. I don't feel like it makes a difference.
20 seconds to find the pea.
That green one over there.
Er, no.
Two seconds.
AUDIENCE GROANS
WHISTLE BLOWS No sign of the pea.
Well, that was a waste of time. Yeah, I agree.
Right, ready for the second event? Wow.
If you wouldn't mind going back to your spot.
If you don't mind, I'd like to just dwell on the regret.
Yeah. No, that's fine.
"Balance your pea on the highest tower of carrots.
"You have three minutes."
I don't have the pea.
Want me to get you the pea?
There we go.
Oh, you're out of order.
Are you taking one of mine, are you?
I think it counts, doesn't it?
12 seconds left.
Not long now. Two seconds, really.
WHISTLE BLOWS My God! No!
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Event number two is over.
It's a lovely tower.
No pea.
Right, event number three.
OK.
"Catch a pea fired from the pea catapult.
"If you catch a pea in one hand,
"your time is divided by two.
"If you catch a pea in your mouth,
"your time is divided by five."
Good luck, Mathew.
Here they come.
Literally can't see it.
Couldn't see it.
Wait, I can't even see it.
I can't see it!
LAUGHTER
Can you do more than one?
Yeah.
Do it again.
SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
LAUGHTER
Why couldn't you do it with, like, the big beans,
the haricot or whatever they're called?
Why are you getting these? Who's catching these?
I'm not a bird.
Um, if it gets in my hijab, does that count?
Yeah, that counts. I've got loads.
Oh, congratulations.
OK this, this is the last one.
Please.
Is there a pea in your hand?
No. WHISTLE BLOWS
That's the end of event number three.
"Throw a pea the furthest."
Towards the river, please.
So into the wind?
Yeah.
Throw a pea that way?
That... Yeah, it must be in that direction, yeah.
I know you're deranged, right,
so I know I'm going to throw this
and then you're going to make me go and get it.
That's not coming out.
Few practices.
Are you going to actually throw the...?
Yeah. I'm going to throw the real one now.
You've got ten seconds.
It's there.
SHE LAUGHS
"Find your thrown pea the fastest."
"You have a maximum of three minutes.
"Time started when you opened the task!"
Be careful.
Why did I do practices? LAUGHTER
There's my pea, can you see it?
That one's my one.
You've found your pea. Yeah, I did.
Is that it? Yeah, that's it.
You've got two minutes ten.
You're meant to be finding peas, not carrots.
I've stopped the clock.
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Mathew, we're not even one full episode into this series, and I...
..I think you might be close to the edge.
That is not even close to my lowest ebb.
I remember that fondly, if anything.
Fabulous.
Fatiha, I'm sure you find this show an inconvenience.
How dare you? How dare...?
I caught fucking five peas, bruv. Are you mad?
Yes, well. Um...
So, that's the end of part three.
Who will win the episode
and then have to drag home a TV trolley?
Not me, and that's all that matters!
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the final part
of this first outing with our new competitors.
Before the break they'd been taking part in
our very own pea based Olympics.
Oh, yes. The old Pealy-mpics.
Five events, and just three legume legends to go.
So last up to the mark, it's Rosie, Stevie and Jason.
"Work out which pillow the pea is under.
"You may not tamper with the pillow before guessing."
So just guess? Maybe.
I'm going to guess this one.
Nope. No.
No. No.
Do you know where the pea is?
No. No. No.
The peas don't talk?
I don't think peas can talk. I've lost my mind.
No, they're vegetables.
I'm just going to guess this guy,
and this guy.
I'm going to guess this guy...
There's no way of... It has to be guessed. Oh, really?
So I'm just going to do them all.
Oh, there! Look!
JASON: This guy, this guy...
There it is!
I like your system.
Yeah, I just chose different guys to, uh, to flip over.
Hmm.
LAUGHTER
That one.
Oh!
There's two peas under there!
Well, weirdly you've put a pea under the right pillow.
Oh, no... So it was clever but unnecessary.
Yeah, and I also tampered with it so I've lost. OK, cool!
Jesus Christ!
Good luck.
"Balance your pea on the highest...
"Tower of carrots."
I'm not good at building stuff, you know. Right.
I wouldn't have said that a carrot was a rolly veg but...
Yeah, all right.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
Have you washed these carrots?
We will.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Oh!
STEVIE LAUGHS I'm so proud of myself!
12 seconds.
That's as good as I'm going to get, I think.
STEVIE CRUNCHES CARROT
Ten seconds.
Where's the pea?!
This is...
This is the pea. This is the pea. Two seconds.
NO!
WHISTLE BLOWS
AUDIENCE: Aww!
I mean, this irrelevant.
That's a lovely tower.
Will you do any better in event number three?
"Catch a pea fired from the pea catapult."
"If you catch a pea in your mouth, your time is divided by five."
Good luck. OK, go.
Ah!
What? How?
Can you do one test, please?
Oh!
Got it.
Let's see.
Ah! OK.
What about if you fire it
right into my face?
55 seconds.
Oh!
Did you catch one? No!
Yes!
You got a pea!
Here we go.
Oh!
Let's see.
Congratulations.
APPLAUSE
"Throw a pea the furthest."
Now, I'll be honest, I'm going to chuck this in there.
Nobody's ever going to find it.
Pea is inside.
The pea has been thrown.
ROSIE: I think it got down to here.
Did it?
Oh...
Have you found the pea yet?
No.
STEVIE GROANS
JASON: Got it!
I've stopped the clock.
I will need to check the pea's in it.
Any sign of the pea?
20 seconds, worth hurrying up.
OK. I'll try another bit.
You found the pea. I found the pea.
Come on.
If I'd have got that carrot tower...
WHISTLE BLOWS
It...it all rested on that carrot tower.
ROSIE: Ah!
SHE LAUGHS WILDLY
I've stopped the clock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!
Wow, that's the most joyous moment so far.
Unbelievably, she found a pea in a field
quicker than these two found carrots in a field.
But you found loads of other carrots before your one.
I had loads of dummy carrots. You took over two minutes.
She found hers in a minute and a half. Wow.
Now, onto the tragic story of this particular Pealympics.
But there was a victory within your attempt, wasn't there?
I mean, no-one's made a better carrot tower than that, ever.
Thank you. But I then lost because the pea rolled off.
Yes. No, I know. I mean...
The pea and carrot... ..it's all for nothing.
Well, the medal ceremony will happen on the screen behind me
and I can tell you that, Stevie,
as you can see, you did get one medal for your catch in your mouth.
Mat, you also got one medal.
So you come joint fourth.
You get two points.
Fatiha, you got two golds in your tower and your find.
You are third.
Two people in first place.
Jason, with your two golds and your silver.
Rosie, you got one gold and two silvers.
So you both get five points.
Well done.
Shall we have a quick look at the scores?
Yes. Fatiha, you are in...
..last place with nine points.
Jason and Mat in the lead on 14.
Ooh.
Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
CHEERING
Hello, there, sweet cheeks. Hi, Greg.
Who'll be reading the task?
I would like Rosie Ramsey to read it, please. Rosie.
Pleasure.
Get the most raisins in your wine glass.
You may only touch raisins with your mouth.
You must not bend at the waist
and your hands must be behind your back at all times.
Also, every time you drop a raisin into your wine glass,
you must shout the name of one of your competitors.
That competitor must immediately shout their name too.
If they don't, Alex will empty their wine glass.
Oof.
You have 100 seconds.
Wow.
So, Greg is going to be watching the waist work.
Greg, if you think someone's bending I'll come over.
Oh, my God, I'll be on them like a puma.
Yes.
But also, I'll empty their wine glass.
OK, good luck, everyone. Your time starts on the whistle.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Don't bend that waist.
Ah, ah, ah.
MUFFLED SPEECH
You must shout someone's name if you...
Jason!
Rosie, shout.
Stevie!
R...Rosie. No. No. What?!
Mathew. Mathew.
You must shout your own name.
Oh, fuck! Well...
Rosie! Language.
Rosie!
Stevie!
Rosie.
MUFFLED: Rosie.
Rosie, you didn't shout your own name.
She did shout Rosie.
Jason. Jason!
Fatiha!
Rosie.
No, you've got to say your own name. Fatiha!
Well, I would empty it but... Rosie!
..there's nothing in it. Rosie! Rosie!
30 seconds left.
Stevie! Stevie!
Rosie! Rosie!
Raisins go in there somehow.
Jason! There's no way.
Jason!
Mathew! Jason!
Mathew. Jason! Fatiha!
Ten seconds left. Fatiha.
STEVIE: Rosie!
Rosie, you didn't...
Ah!
Mathew! Mathew! Rosie! Rosie!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Stop. Stop.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fabulous.
Listen, we'll work the scores out, we'll add them to your final scores.
Please come down and join me!
Well, well, well. That was insane.
I guess we start with Fatiha.
You didn't get any raisins in your glass in the end.
And there's a very good reason for that, isn't there, Fatiha? Yeah.
My shoes are new. I'm not getting on the floor, right?
All right?
She gets one point, weirdly, which is more than
the amount of raisins she got in the glass.
So it's one to Fatiha.
Jason ended up with just three raisins in his glass.
Two points to Jason.
Incredibly, Stevie and Rosie both got
70 raisins in their glass.
Oh, my God! Oh!
So they share second place and four points each.
But Mathew, with 315 raisins, gets five points.
APPLAUSE
Incredible. Incredible.
So I've got the episode scores.
In first place it's Mat with 19 points.
Mathew wins.
Please head up to the stage and snap up your school day stuff.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media