1 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:04,400 This was a mistake. 2 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:05,600 Shut up! Pardon? 3 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:06,640 HORN HONKS 4 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,320 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 5 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,360 Whoo! 6 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,680 DUCKS QUACK 7 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:15,840 You're mad. 8 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,200 Wow. 9 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:19,320 SHE GIGGLES 10 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:22,680 HORN PARPS 11 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:29,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,640 Yes, hello! 13 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,600 Hello, thank you. Welcome, one and all, to Taskmaster. 14 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,600 One of the many TV shows 15 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,080 that my own nieces don't watch 16 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:49,280 and yet am I expected to display your school photos in my home? 17 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,000 I doubt it! 18 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,600 They've gone in the drawer 19 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,720 with years' worth of your rubbish artwork. 20 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,120 I know you'll never hear this 21 00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,760 but it's enough for me to know that I've said it on TV. 22 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:05,080 Quid pro quo, you monsters! Quid pro quo! 23 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:11,480 Moving along, please welcome to the show Fatiha El-Ghorri! 24 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,400 CHEERING 25 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:16,280 Jason Mantzoukas! CHEERING 26 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:19,040 Mathew Baynton! CHEERING 27 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,240 Rosie Ramsey! CHEERING 28 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,960 And Stevie Martin! CHEERING 29 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:30,760 And next to me, a man who drives an electric car, 30 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,600 and to quote him, "Not for the good of the planet, 31 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,360 "but because it makes my wife horny." 32 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,800 HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: It's little Alex Horne. 33 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,440 CHEERING 34 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,080 What's happening, sweet prince? 35 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:50,080 I'm... Mm. I'm trying... I'm trying to be brave for you, Greg. 36 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,480 Mm. You know I struggle with accents. 37 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:53,600 Yeah. I can't do them. 38 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,000 Well, I can do them now, I've had lessons. OK. 39 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,720 So I'd like to demonstrate my new grasp of accents. Are you ready? 40 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:03,720 Yeah, I'm ready for the joke that you cooked up six minutes ago. 41 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,840 And we'll start with Beyonce. Ready? 42 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,840 OK. 43 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,680 There's one on the E. 44 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,840 AUDIENCE GROANS 45 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,880 And now I'm gonna do the Quebec accent. 46 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:17,040 It's on the first E. 47 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:20,360 I'm now gonna do...the Oslo accent. 48 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:25,880 MIMES TO RECORDING: Good morning, I am from Oslo in Norway. 49 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,480 Huh? 50 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,520 CHEERING 51 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,720 Let's get on with the prize task. 52 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,760 Right, yes, I'm going to get on, Greg, 53 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,400 and this time you've asked them to bring in 54 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:40,160 the best object to bestow in your will 55 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,160 to a relative against whom you are seeking revenge. 56 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,680 We've all thought about it, we all want revenge, 57 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,320 and I shall have my revenge. 58 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,640 The object Greg thinks is best to bestow 59 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,120 will be gifted five points 60 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:53,640 and the winner of the episode 61 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,360 will have to update their will with five new objects. 62 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,240 Back to you, my sweet little Greg Forest gateau. 63 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:05,520 Mathew, what have you brought me to take revenge on a relative? 64 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:09,280 I've brought a thousand-piece jigsaw of the Mona Lisa. 65 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,440 Ah. So you get this in your will. 66 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:12,600 I'd quite like that. 67 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:16,000 I think quite a lot of nerds would like that, so... 68 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,640 Well, this relative is not a nerd. 69 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:23,000 Interestingly, you have, in your mind, picked a specific relative. 70 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:24,760 Did we not all...? 71 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,400 Let's call him Terry. 72 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:34,880 So, every time Terry comes over, I've got a jigsaw on the go, 73 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,720 and Terry begins to get the impression 74 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,160 that I'm really into jigsaws. 75 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,600 Right. So, when I leave the Mona Lisa in my will, 76 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:46,480 Terry's gonna think, "I guess I'd better do it in his memory." 77 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:51,960 And then how disappointed they would be when they find... 78 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,600 Oh! APPLAUSE 79 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,360 This is the piece that Mathew is gonna be buried with. 80 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,680 So genuinely fiendish, Mathew. 81 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:04,720 Rosie. 82 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,800 I have brought used coffee bean granules 83 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:12,040 in the shape of a delicious chocolate brownie. 84 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:13,480 Oh, God, OK. 85 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:14,760 Here it is. 86 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,800 What I'm gonna do, every time they come round, 87 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,560 I'm gonna be making chocolate brownies. Yeah. 88 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:22,000 I'm gonna make them the most delicious chocolate brownies 89 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,680 that they've ever had in their life. 90 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:27,440 And then, when I die, I'm gonna get my coffee granules 91 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:30,640 and I'm gonna leave it with a note for them, saying, "One last time." 92 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,720 And it'll be disgusting. 93 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,080 And they'll never forget it. 94 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,440 Great. I mean, that would be absolutely horrific. 95 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:43,320 Jason, what are you planning to do to your most dislikeable relative? 96 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:48,160 OK, so, I collect a lot of art, right? 97 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,920 Right. But not, like, good art. A lot of weird stuff. 98 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:56,280 So here's the thing. There are times when I am up late at night, 99 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,280 going on websites to buy random paintings, OK? OK. 100 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,320 I do not remember purchasing this painting 101 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,760 but it arrived at my house. Imagine my surprise. 102 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:07,840 Here it is. 103 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,280 GASPS AND STUNNED LAUGHTER 104 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:15,560 Is this not the most haunted thing you've ever seen? 105 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:16,960 I hate it. 106 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,800 Yes! I don't care for it either. 107 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:25,120 This task allows me an opportunity to offload this nightmare to... 108 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,920 I'm so sorry for whoever gets it. 109 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,920 Wow, I mean it is...god-awful. Yeah. 110 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,240 Stevie, can you beat 111 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,840 the disembodied, floating heads of children? 112 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,360 I think it is quite route-one, but I wouldn't like this. 113 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:41,280 So it's like a really interesting-looking old envelope... 114 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,320 OK. ..that makes... Yeah, that makes you be, like, 115 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,000 "Hang on, what's going on here?" 116 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,240 There's the envelope. Yeah, there's the envelope. Interesting. 117 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,960 So when you open it... This is what happens. 118 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,720 Lot of glitter, and it says, "Ha ha, you're a twat!" 119 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:59,520 Very clever, really - you lowered my expectations so much 120 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,040 that I quite liked, "Ha ha, you're a twat!" 121 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,080 Good, good. Ah! 122 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,520 ALEX: Ah. My old friend. 123 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,320 You all right, baby? What have you brought us? 124 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:13,440 I mean, I dread to think what revenge you're gonna take. 125 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:17,520 Oh, God! So I brought pillows. 126 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,000 She brought pillows. Yeah. 127 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:23,040 And then... But the piece de resistance is the little note. 128 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,680 Could you please show us the note, Alex? 129 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,840 There's a word I didn't understand, but it says this. 130 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,520 So let me give you the context, right? 131 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,840 I've got an auntie who's a bitch. 132 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,040 And basically, for three birthdays on the trot, 133 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,760 the bitch has got me pillows. 134 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,240 Is that the one reason she's a bitch - 135 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,360 because she buys you pillows? Yes! 136 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:50,160 So she's not been rude to you? No! She's got you some nice pillows. 137 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,960 She cooks the best couscous in the world, but I won't eat it. 138 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,000 The first time you got the pillows, were you happy with that? 139 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,120 Yeah, I was happy... Right. 140 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,240 ..cos I mentioned once that I need pillows. 141 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,000 Hang on! She's got you something you like! 142 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,840 Yeah, but not three times! 143 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,960 This is your mistake! You should be saying in-between... 144 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,000 Say more things you like! ..things that you need next year. 145 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:12,120 STEVIE: Yeah. 146 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,240 "This year I need a kettle." A kettle? 147 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,400 What the hell am I, a 70-year-old woman? 148 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,400 Get ready to receive a painting, lady. 149 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,120 Right, Greg, what is the least good revenge? 150 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:28,560 I feel sorry for Stevie a little bit. Come on! 151 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,240 Some pillows?! 152 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,520 It's not that bad, is it? 153 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:34,640 It could be seen as just like a, "Ha ha, you twat! Love you." 154 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,840 It's the glitter element, you've forgotten that element. 155 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,160 Oh, God, yeah, so sorry, five points! 156 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:42,440 So it's one point to Stevie. 157 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:45,520 When I think about this beautiful head 158 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:48,000 popping down for the night, 159 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:51,240 he doesn't wanna pop his head onto some coffee grounds, 160 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:52,640 he wants to pop them onto some pillows. 161 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,040 So two points for the lovely pillows. 162 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,560 Two points to you, Fatiha. And big respect to your auntie. 163 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,120 She's gonna be your auntie soon, so stop fighting it. 164 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,440 Three points for the coffee grounds, for Rosie. 165 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:04,920 OK. Three to Rosie, thank you. 166 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,400 And now we're up with the really sinister things. 167 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,360 He won't like this, and it's one of the reasons I'm gonna do it, 168 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,200 I'm gonna give you both five points. Yes! 169 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,840 OK, five points to Mathew, five to Jason. 170 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,560 Next task. Too right, and, yes, please, Mummy, 171 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,640 it's time to camp it up a bit. 172 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,760 Wow. 173 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,840 Hello. Hi, Stevie. 174 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,360 Wow! You like it? 175 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,680 I love it. It's like a spa, isn't it? 176 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:49,680 Is it? Little bit, posh one. 177 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:52,440 I like this. You like grottos? 178 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,960 Yeah. Innit great what people did before the internet? 179 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:02,040 "Be the least annoying person round the campfire." 180 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,000 "ROUND the campfire!" 181 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,000 Should've had a little apostrophe before the R. 182 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:11,080 Don't worry about it, I got it. OK. 183 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:15,000 "Be the least annoying person 'ROUND the campfire." 184 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,960 "You must either sing a folk song..." 185 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,680 "..tell a ghost story..." 186 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,040 "..or recite a beat poem." 187 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,280 "And not be annoying. 188 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:28,440 "Your song, story or poem must either be about fast cars..." 189 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,080 JASON: "..barbecues..." MATHEW: "..or DIY. 190 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:35,200 "And it can contain no more than 100 words. 191 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,720 "You must perform your song, story or poem 192 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:39,280 "in ten minutes from now." 193 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:43,400 If I do a folk song do I get an instrument? 194 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,200 ALEX: Yeah, I've got all the instruments. 195 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,280 All of them? 196 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:47,920 You got a little egg? 197 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,080 No? 198 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,200 TAMBOURINE RATTLES DISCORDANT KEYS PLAY 199 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,640 MIDI TRACK PLAYS 200 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:00,520 What's a beat poem? 201 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,440 Is that the shit they do in America? 202 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,480 Well, we can ask Jason, can't we? Who's Jason? 203 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,920 He's the American on the show. 204 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,680 Oh! SHE LAUGHS 205 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,160 Don't put that in! I think we will. 206 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,640 MIDI TRACK PLAYS 207 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,480 I'm meant to be the LEAST annoying! Yeah, you are supposed to be, yeah. 208 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,720 You brought this. HUGE mistake! 209 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,960 Um... BIRD CLUCKS 210 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,160 Did you hear that? 211 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,480 Yeah. That's a problem. BIRD CLUCKS 212 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:25,920 The ghost of a moorhen. 213 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960 SHE MIMICS BIRD 214 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,400 You've got nine minutes left, Stevie. 215 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:30,480 Shall I improv it? 216 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,280 But it's gotta be no more than 100 words. 217 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:33,720 Oh, shit. 218 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,000 When are you gonna write the...? 219 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,080 I figured I'd freestyle it. Oh, fine. 220 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,760 How much have you written so far, Stevie? 221 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,360 APPLAUSE 222 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:52,200 I mean, given that the task centres around not being annoying, 223 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,120 you calling back to a moorhen... 224 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,080 Yeah, that... Right, that wasn't, that wasn't part of the thing! 225 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,240 And as for you, you were annoying so many times. 226 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,160 I had to get it out. 227 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,160 I mean, you corrected the grammar on the task. 228 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,480 Yeah! 229 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,480 It doesn't look good, Jason, but let's see. 230 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:08,600 Am I going first? 231 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,880 Yes, it is first, a man whose co-stars on IMDb will soon read, 232 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,600 Keanu Reeves, Mark Wahlberg, Robert de Niro 233 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,880 and little Alex Horne, it's Jason Mantzoukas. 234 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:23,120 DISCORDANT MIDI TRACK PLAYS 235 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:26,080 This...is a folk song... 236 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,480 ..for you. 237 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,480 # Alex, we've rode the rails together 238 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,400 # Up and down 239 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,400 # East and west 240 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,400 # North and south, we did it all 241 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,680 # From sea to sea, marsh to bog 242 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:45,480 # We made sweet love on a dead mossy log 243 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:50,640 # You're my best friend 244 00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,600 # And I love you 245 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,080 # With all of my heart 246 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,440 # Alex 247 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,720 # Will you marry me? # 248 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:10,200 I don't think so. 249 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,200 What?! I don't think so. 250 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,960 Barbecue, fast cars or DIY. 251 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,720 Fast train cars. Oh... I said we hopped trains. 252 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,160 Oh, yeah, fast train cars. 253 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:30,440 Pretty sure train cars go probably faster than automobiles. 254 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:34,080 Do you need it spelled out for you? It's goddamn poetry! 255 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,720 Thank you so much, Jason. Thank you, Alex. 256 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,720 But you have broken my heart. 257 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,080 APPLAUSE 258 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,720 I found the following things annoying. 259 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:45,760 Your smile. 260 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,560 Your confidence, your tone of voice. 261 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,040 The soundtrack you chose. 262 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,960 The rhyming scheme, the mawkish insincerity, 263 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:58,120 the proposal, and the smug explanation of your art. 264 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,000 And I added a footnote. 265 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,960 It wasn't even about fast cars, 266 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,400 it was about fucking and marrying my friend. 267 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,880 Five points. 268 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,000 So...so far, so bad. 269 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:15,000 Next up it's R... Rrrr... R-R-R-R... I wish I could roll my Rs, 270 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,680 it's Rrrosie Rrrramsey. 271 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:18,800 You ready? 272 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,600 I can't wait. 273 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,920 TAMBOURINE BEATS STEADILY 274 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:29,920 # Why do I keep dreaming 275 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,440 # Of being alone with you? 276 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,480 # Having a barbecue for our tea 277 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:43,360 # Sausage burgers, halloumi 278 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,720 # Will be on the menu 279 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:52,320 # Then we'll wash it all down with a pinot grige 280 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,920 # It's the best way to eat 281 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,520 # Outside on a little seat 282 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,160 # Barbecuing is in my blood 283 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:05,160 # My dad is a barbecue stud 284 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,600 # In my town 285 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:13,320 # So why don't you join me? 286 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,480 # Grab yourself a skewer 287 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:21,480 # And slide on some of those veggies. # 288 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 289 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,280 Yeah. 290 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,800 Pretty impressive. 291 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,400 Because I've got a long history of being irritated 292 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,800 when people show us they can sing. 293 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,480 But I didn't find that irritating, 294 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,360 I thought it was genuinely... And, as you could tell from 295 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,040 the studio reaction as well, all of us enjoyed it. 296 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,320 Thank you. By stark contrast to Jason's. 297 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,360 That's the first part over, time for a little interval. 298 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,880 But there's more camping coming up soon. 299 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,520 Maybe sooner than you think. 300 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,400 Oh, shut up! You shut up! 301 00:14:58,440 --> 00:14:59,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 302 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 303 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,120 Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster. 304 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,680 It's part two and the cast are trying their best 305 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,680 not to be annoying. 306 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,040 Perhaps their hardest challenge yet. 307 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,320 Quick reminder, then. Their song, story or poem 308 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,800 must be no more than 100 words, 309 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:29,600 and once again, it has to be no more than 100 words. 310 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,800 Here's Fatiha. And Stevie. 311 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,320 This is a true story. 312 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,560 Once I was in Morocco, 313 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,520 and it was Eid, right? 314 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:55,120 And it was the second Eid, which is the Eid of Sacrifice, 315 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,040 so you have to slaughter an animal. 316 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,640 So we slaughtered a goat, and a goat is my favourite meat. 317 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,200 Have you, do you eat meat? Yes, I eat meat. 318 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:03,880 Goat is the best meat. OK. 319 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,240 Don't you think? Yes. 320 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,600 This is not part of the poem. It's not a poem. It's a story. 321 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,440 A story, it's not a part... Am I taking out the goat stuff? 322 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,680 No, no, not the goat, just when I asked you if you eat meat. 323 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:12,920 Right. OK. 324 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,600 And then, this is for real, yeah, this is what happened... 325 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:16,720 ..guests at somebody's house... 326 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:17,880 ..said it was really nice... 327 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:18,920 ..cos it's my favourite meat. 328 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,560 Up to about 90 words now. 329 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,160 OK, I'm gonna carry on. OK. Cos I gotta finish the story. 330 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,840 Yeah, yeah. People wanna hear it. Yeah. 331 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,600 OK. And then they brought out another tagine, 332 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,040 cos that's what they do in Morocco... 333 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:30,760 ..I said, "No, I'm full." She goes, "No, you'll really like it," 334 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,560 and then she goes, "This is the best meat," 335 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,680 and she went like this, 336 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:37,640 and the goat that they'd slaughtered had a baby inside. 337 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,600 And that was the baby. 338 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:42,160 She went like this. Like a flag. 339 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,400 She said, "Do you wanna eat it?" And I said, "No, thank you." 340 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,440 Do you...? Would you not find that scary? 341 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,920 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Innit? So that's it. Yeah, that's it. 342 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,520 I think I once saw a ghost at a barbecue. But I don't know, really. 343 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,560 You saw a ghost at a barbecue? 344 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,960 Yeah, or maybe I didn't. Do you want a sausage? 345 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,760 Yeah, I'd love a sausage. OK, cool. 346 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:09,840 # Yeah, gonna get a sausage. # 347 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,520 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 348 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,440 Oh, my God. I see your technique. 349 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,560 Thank you. Clever. Thank you. 350 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,040 A ghost story that was neither here nor there. 351 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:24,400 It's not annoying. Thrown away. Yeah. 352 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,720 Sometimes people fall at the last hurdle, don't they? 353 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,760 What?! And that sausage song just got to me. 354 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,600 # Yeah, I'm gonna get a sausage. # 355 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,800 Yeah, that... My annoyance went... 356 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:37,040 I went from nought to 100 miles an hour. 357 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:40,080 OK. It was good apart from, "Oh, yeah, gonna get a sausage." 358 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,640 Thank you. I can't stop singing that! 359 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,200 That's a good song, then. 360 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,680 # I'm gonna get a sausage. # 361 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,920 You love it. Sounds like you love it. 362 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,680 Now you, you monster! 363 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,640 I mean, it's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. 364 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,720 Did you mistake "ghost story" for "goat story"? 365 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,600 That's the only explanation. 366 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,880 Cos there were no ghosts in there, were there? 367 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:06,360 No, but that was the only scary thing I could think of. 368 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,160 It's just awful. 369 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,720 Was it annoying though, Greg? 370 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,760 Oh, Christ, yes! 371 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,560 Just checking, just checking. 372 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,800 There's only one thing that can make me feel better 373 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:18,280 and make me forget that, and it's, 374 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,000 # Oh, gonna get a sausage. # 375 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,320 Anything to make me forget her. 376 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:24,840 You'll never forget me. 377 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:27,840 OK, what's next? 378 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:30,080 Well, finally his walls have got paint on, 379 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,520 his name is Mat Baynton, here we go. 380 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:39,200 GENTLE GUITAR MELODY 381 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,400 # All these books and I need a shelf 382 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,520 # But the handyman is busy 383 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:49,800 # Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books 384 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,720 # All these books and I need a shelf 385 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,000 # But the handyman's in hospital 386 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:01,680 # Guess I'm in a pickle when it comes to all these books 387 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:08,800 # We've all been there with no-one to rely on 388 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:15,760 # We've all been there We don't know what to do 389 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:23,560 # Who can I get to put up my shelf? 390 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,520 # Guess I'd better do it myself... # 391 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,040 Everybody! 392 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,800 # Who can I get Who...can...I get... 393 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,280 # To put up my shelf? To...put up my shelf? 394 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:37,160 # Guess I'd better do it Guess I'll have to...do it... 395 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,040 # Myself. Myself. # 396 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 397 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,640 I think I know all the moments you're gonna say. 398 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:50,720 There was only one 399 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,920 where the irritato-meter started to go, just only on one, 400 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,160 and it was just your shrug. 401 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,160 That was the only time. You're kidding. 402 00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:00,800 About halfway through. Even when I said, "Everybody!" 403 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:02,520 All right, I did write "Everybody" down. 404 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,440 Thank you! 405 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,520 I need to mention the "Everybody" again, Greg, 406 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,960 cos Mat has been hoisted by the small print before, 407 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,720 and the reprise prompted... Did that tip it? 408 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,040 ..by "Everybody" meant something happened. 409 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,520 I'm gonna show you the reprise again. 410 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,400 Everybody! 411 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:19,880 # Who can I get Who...can I get 412 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,360 # To put up my shelf? To...put up my shelf? 413 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,240 # Guess I'd better do it Guess I'll have to...do it 414 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,280 # Myself. # BUZZER 415 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,760 AUDIENCE GROANS 416 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,680 I promise, it's exactly 101 words. 417 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:39,240 "Everybody!" "Everybody!" 418 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,440 It makes it less annoying. 419 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:45,720 I mean, can you imagine writing something that enchanting 420 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,640 and losing to Jason? 421 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,160 So what are we gonna do? 422 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,000 We can only allow people to get points who stuck to the word count. 423 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,600 # Sausage. # 424 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,560 You do need to give points out to the other three though. 425 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,840 Oh, Christ, well, this shouldn't be too hard. 426 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,920 Ah, that means I have to give him three points! 427 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,560 People won't take me seriously as a judge if I give you three points. 428 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:08,960 They don't anyway! 429 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 430 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,080 For the sake of my credibility, one point. 431 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:15,560 Goddammit! 432 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,480 Goddamn you, for that shit. 433 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:23,520 This is appalling treatment of a foreigner on your home... 434 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,240 As is the British way. 435 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,080 APPLAUSE 436 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,320 Where are we going with the points from here? 437 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,520 She wasn't annoying until the sausage bit at the end. 438 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,800 And I've sort of grown to like the sausage song as well. 439 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,280 Three points. Well, if she's second... 440 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:38,880 Four! ..traditionally it's four in second. 441 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,800 All right, I'm changing the system. I'm giving Jason two points. 442 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,040 Two points to Jason. Cos at least he stuck to the rules, 443 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,080 even though I'm so annoyed with him. 444 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,040 Um, four points to Stevie. Thank you. 445 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,560 And obviously five points to Rosie. 446 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,400 Well done, Rosie Ramsey! Five points. 447 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,120 CHEERING 448 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,520 Let's have the scoreboard, please. 449 00:21:56,560 --> 00:22:00,040 Sure. Well, Fatiha is on pretty much minimum points - 2. 450 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,520 Rosie, last week's winner, is in the lead with 8 points. 451 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,040 Lovely. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 452 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,720 One more for your Taskmaster. 453 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:11,200 OK, and here is an arty parked car task. Hmm. 454 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,840 HORN HONKS 455 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:22,880 HORN HONKS REPEATEDLY 456 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,080 Ooh. Look what you've won. Oh, I've won this? 457 00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,720 I don't want it. 458 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,760 Please get into the vehicle. OK. 459 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:33,840 I haven't passed my driving...er, lessons. Test. 460 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,600 Oh, I can see, it's...there's a twist. 461 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,600 I don't know how to drive. OK. 462 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:42,320 But I've got road rage. Doesn't surprise me. 463 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:45,640 OK. Right. "Draw the monster." 464 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,840 "You must not turn around or leave the car." 465 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:53,360 "If you fail to honk your horn when you see a lollipop lady, 466 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,360 "you must surrender your picture for 30 seconds." 467 00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:58,640 HORN HONKS 468 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,680 Where's the horn? 469 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,720 And that'll be obvious, what a lollipop lady is? 470 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,080 That's not a, that's... I've not... 471 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:07,560 I'm not familiar with the phrase "lollipop lady". What? 472 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,880 "Most accurate monster picture wins." 473 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,480 "You have five minutes." 474 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:16,200 "Your time...starts... 475 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,000 "..now." 476 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:21,200 I can't see the monster. 477 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,600 You said I'm not allowed to turn around. 478 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:25,920 Yeah. Oh, but I can use something else. 479 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,360 Not just a pretty face, innit? 480 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,400 APPLAUSE 481 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,600 I was really worried about Stevie's opening statement, 482 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,080 "I haven't passed my driving lessons." 483 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,960 I still haven't. "Where's the horn?" 484 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,520 I don't... Yeah. 485 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,240 Non-drivers are a bit weird, right? 486 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,040 I don't really respect myself, 487 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,000 and I've had a real psychological issue 488 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,120 with not passing my test, so thanks for this. 489 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,840 Oh. So you have tried? 490 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,320 Oh, I've done about 150 hours 491 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,840 and, the last lesson I had, I went through a stop sign 492 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:04,400 and went around the roundabout the wrong way, and he said... 493 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,160 He said, "You cannot do this, why aren't you focusing?" 494 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,600 And I was focusing so hard. 495 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,560 And then I started crying, and then he took me to McDonalds. 496 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,200 I'm intrigued, Jason. Yeah. 497 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:20,200 What did you think a lollipop lady was? 498 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,440 I genuinely had no idea. 499 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,640 I assumed a woman selling lollipops. 500 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,280 Which I would absolutely believe 501 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,440 is one of the bullshit things that would occur in this country. 502 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:34,680 Let's go. OK. 503 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,320 So here are all five drawing a monster, 504 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,840 in what I've called a MONST-age. 505 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,720 So, is the...? Can you tell me about the monster? 506 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:46,560 Can you tell me anything about it? I've never seen the monster. 507 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,200 That's not a lollipop... OK. 508 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:50,640 Oh. 509 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,160 Oh, a bird isn't a monster. 510 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,640 Um... 511 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,120 There's more than one! 512 00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:59,400 One thing, is that a monster? 513 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:02,320 FATIHA: Hold on. How's your picture? 514 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:03,640 Those are not monsters. 515 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:06,920 WHISTLE BLOWS 516 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,720 Oh, my guess is this is a lollipop lady. 517 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:10,960 HORN HONKS 518 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,160 WHISTLE BLOWS 519 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,320 Hello. HORN HONKS 520 00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:17,240 Ah, that's the monster, that's the monster, that's the monster. 521 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:20,760 OK, that is unequivocally a monster. 522 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,120 What does the monster look like? 523 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,960 Listen, shut your hole, yeah? 524 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,120 Oh, shit, why is this person coming? 525 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,000 Er, are you aware you're parked in a no parking zone? 526 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,080 Um, I had no idea. 527 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:33,800 Right, well, can I see your driving licence, please? 528 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:35,280 I'd rather not, thank you. 529 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:36,720 I don't have one. 530 00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,040 Oh, here's...here's my wallet. 531 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,280 Brilliant. That's me. 532 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,520 Is this a recent photograph? 533 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,520 Just about a year ago. 534 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,360 That's helpful, actually. 535 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,760 I am still gonna have to issue you a parking ticket. 536 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:58,280 Why, bruv? Why, why? 537 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,360 "You must turn on your hazard lights within the next 20 seconds..." 538 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:04,840 "Or pay a fine of eight pens." OK. 539 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,120 Oh, I know, it's this one. 540 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,600 Hazard lights. Well, we've passed the 20 seconds. 541 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:13,160 What are you talking about?! 542 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,000 It's eight pens, please. 543 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,480 OK, yeah, just let me... 544 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,760 Oh, hello, mate, I'd love a lift. Come on in. Yeah? 545 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,720 Yeah. Get in, buddy. 546 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:26,400 Can I get a lift? No, bruv, get out. 547 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:29,360 Two more pens please. Er, he's gone. 548 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,960 WHISTLE BLOWS 549 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,240 There's a lollipop monster. 550 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,720 That is a monster who has ate a lollipop lady. 551 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:39,560 OK, OK. 552 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:40,920 Ah! 553 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:45,920 Oh, they're getting in! 554 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,760 Why are they getting in? Oh, God! Why are they getting in? 555 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:49,960 Hello, everyone. 556 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,040 My God. 557 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,440 Jesus Christ. 558 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:54,760 Hi, guys. 559 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:55,840 WHISTLE BLOWS HORN HONKS 560 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,960 No! 561 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:00,160 Did you turn them on? Nope. 562 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,520 CHEERING 563 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,920 Fairly enchanting reaction from Jason 564 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,280 when he realised he'd seen his first lollipop lady 565 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:13,080 and started excitedly beeping the horn. 566 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,480 I was delighted that I could figure it out! 567 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,920 Rosie, you didn't see the monster on the driving licence. 568 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,520 I have woke up in cold sweats over this task. 569 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:23,880 Oh, wow. We were the monsters, weren't we? 570 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:25,560 Were we meant to just draw ourselves? 571 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,840 Wow! 572 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,960 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Fuck! 573 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:35,480 That's what you've been waking up in a cold sweat about?! 574 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,160 I mean, of course not. 575 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:41,000 Oh, right, OK. There was a monster there! OK, good! 576 00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,080 No, what you should've been... Because it was on the licence. 577 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:45,440 Yes, you were the only person who saw the picture of the thing you... 578 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,080 So you could've just painted... You had... Right. Yes. 579 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,680 Thank... Oh! What did you think I meant? 580 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,480 But on a deeper level, yes. Yes! 581 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:55,320 There's no twist. 582 00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:57,960 The monster was walking round the car! 583 00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,920 This is also Taskmaster - 584 00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:03,240 they don't do M Night Shyamalan style twists. 585 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,520 Yet. We've been dead the whole time?! 586 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:13,440 I died in the lab on the first task?! 587 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,920 We've all given stuff away in our wills. Yes! 588 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,560 The clues were there from the very start! 589 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:25,800 Show me some pictures, young man. 590 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:27,320 OK, well, I'll show you four of them. 591 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:28,520 I won't show you Rosie's yet. 592 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:30,560 This is, er...the first four and the monster - 593 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,200 you can see how well they've done. 594 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:35,440 Fatiha's monster hasn't got a head. 595 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:37,840 Presumably that was consumed at a family meal. 596 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,640 Only one more monster to see. 597 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,240 So this is Rosie's picture of the monster. 598 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,840 Sorry, did you misread the task? 599 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:53,200 Was it, draw the monster 600 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:55,520 as if the monster had fallen off a building? 601 00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:58,840 I just didn't think that was the monster. 602 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:01,680 And then, two weeks later, I thought I was the monster. 603 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:03,520 Yeah, yeah, we know what you thought. 604 00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:05,040 So this is comforting to me. 605 00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:08,000 He's quite a sassy monster, I'll give you that. Yeah. 606 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:12,160 He's quite showbiz, isn't he? He's a bit, "Rrrarr!" Yeah! 607 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,720 So it is meant to be most accurate picture of the monster. 608 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:16,680 So here's all five, and you can judge them. 609 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,720 Are we saying that Rosie's is the least accurate? 610 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:21,000 Seems fair! 611 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:23,480 So one point to Rosie. 612 00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,800 FATIHA: Stevie's one looks like it's got five coats on. 613 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,160 STEVIE: I would have to agree with that, yeah. 614 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:29,360 One and two points. 615 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,000 Yes, so it's one point to Rosie, two to Stevie. 616 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:32,640 OK, well my instinct is that, 617 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,040 and feel free to disagree with the logic... 618 00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:37,320 Mm-hm. ..Fatiha's monster hasn't got a head. 619 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,720 I would probably put her in third place. 620 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:42,040 No, no, very good. 621 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,400 Listen, you're getting a bit aggressive, OK? 622 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:46,920 You started as a thoughtful, attentive man 623 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:48,760 and now you're becoming an arsehole. 624 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:53,200 Yeah, well, isn't that the dreary safari all relationships go on? 625 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,240 So three points to Fatiha. 626 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:57,760 So it's between Jason and Mathew's. 627 00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:01,160 Jason's has a higher number of arms 628 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,640 but he did get the pink wings, he got the pink and purple hair. 629 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,040 But did he get the personality? 630 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,800 I think Jason's just pipped it. There we are. 631 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:13,840 So it's four points to Mathew, five to Jason. 632 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,520 APPLAUSE 633 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,640 OK, I'm afraid it's time for some adverts again. 634 00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:22,680 Alex's plastic slip-on shoes won't pay for themselves. 635 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,160 CHEERING 636 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:33,040 CHEERING 637 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,920 Hello! Welcome back, everybody. 638 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:37,560 Next, please. 639 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:38,760 Yes, it's now time for 640 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:40,440 The Hat In The Lab by Dr Seuss. 641 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:41,720 Here we go. 642 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,600 DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS 643 00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:55,240 Oh, hello. 644 00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:56,400 Mushrooms. 645 00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:57,760 Mathew. 646 00:30:57,800 --> 00:30:59,560 What are you doing? 647 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:00,920 Cooking mushrooms. 648 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:10,640 All right, let's do this. 649 00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,440 Why have you got that on your head? 650 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:15,000 You look like something out of Mario Brothers. What's going on? 651 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,000 Mushroom hat? Yes, yes. 652 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,120 I like mushrooms. I like mushrooms a lot. 653 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:21,120 Yeah, but the only problem is 654 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:23,080 there's never MUSH-room for anything else. 655 00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:24,800 SCATTERED LAUGHTER 656 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:26,160 SHE SIGHS 657 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:28,720 That is the longest spoon I've ever seen! 658 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:30,240 Yeah, I don't know where to hold it. 659 00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:31,840 Er, right at the end, like this. OK. 660 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,160 And then just do this. There we go. 661 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:35,880 "Shorten these pencils 662 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:39,000 "and place your shortened pencils in the pencil case." 663 00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:40,320 "You have five minutes." 664 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:42,480 "Your time started when you mentioned the hat." 665 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:46,600 Oh! Oh, well. God, and got me chatting on. Shite! 666 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:49,240 You're such a prick, bruv, I see you. All right, OK. 667 00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:51,520 ALEX: Yeah, you've only got three minutes. 668 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:53,840 I don't know if I mentioned the hat. 669 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,000 Oh, I've done it now, haven't I? You've got five minutes. 670 00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,040 You've got four minutes. 671 00:31:57,080 --> 00:31:59,320 Your time started when you mentioned the goddamn hat. 672 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:01,720 Yeah, you've got two minutes, Jason. Son of a bitch! 673 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:05,880 Oi, that shit stinks. What's going on? The mushrooms? 674 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:08,560 Right, we have provided pencil sharpeners. 675 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:10,000 Yeah, but that's quicker. 676 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:12,440 Don't look. Ow! 677 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:16,240 Look at that. Come on! 678 00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:18,400 Oh, you know what I've just thought? 679 00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:20,120 You don't have to make them really short. 680 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:23,760 That's the best method, isn't it? Cos that is technically shorter. 681 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:27,800 They're shorter. They are shorter, yeah. 682 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,760 Bet no-one else is gonna eat the pencil. Ow! 683 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,440 So these are shorter, therefore I have done the task. 684 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:35,600 Yeah. And I've won. 685 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:38,200 Do you want me to stop the clock? Yeah. 686 00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:40,760 Bye. Oh, not yet, no. Oh, thought I'd say bye. 687 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:42,880 There's that one as well. 688 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:45,360 Oh, shit! 689 00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:46,920 I really don't like you no more. 690 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:47,960 HE SIGHS 691 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:53,960 "Write down every word you said in this room before opening this task." 692 00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:57,440 "Also you must write the same number of words in each colour, 693 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:00,320 "otherwise your total will be halved." 694 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:04,160 "Most accurate legible words wins." 695 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:06,040 "You must not leave the lab." 696 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:09,920 "Your time started when you started reading this task." Oh, my God! 697 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:11,840 Do you remember what you said to me? 698 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:13,080 No fucking idea. Right. 699 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 700 00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:18,960 I mean, in many ways you've been 701 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,840 one of the most affable group of people we've had on the show, 702 00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:24,920 but the naked aggression that's been shown towards Alex, 703 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:27,040 I so approve of it. 704 00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:30,440 He got called a prick early doors during that. 705 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:33,840 Sorry. A son of a bitch. It's just wonderful stuff. 706 00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:35,360 Was this the first one we filmed? 707 00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:36,400 Yeah. First one. 708 00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:38,480 Ah. Which means that, as soon as he walked in, 709 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,520 the first time he saw me, he threw a bottle at me. 710 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:43,160 Rosie. Yeah. On reflection, 711 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:45,080 would you still go with the mushroom gag or...? 712 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:48,640 Never, never. I was nervous. Just came out. 713 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,960 Your face said it all afterwards, like, "Eurgh!" Yeah! 714 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,320 On reflection, Stevie, would you... 715 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:54,560 STEVIE LAUGHS Sorry. 716 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,520 ..would you have bitten the ends off the pencils? 717 00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,760 I thought we had to make them as short as humanly possible. 718 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:00,040 Which, of course, you didn't. 719 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:01,480 You were just asked to shorten them. 720 00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:03,120 Yes, yes, I misread it. 721 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:04,760 You actually said at one point, didn't you, 722 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,200 "I bet no-one's gonna bite the pencils"? Yeah. 723 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,240 Sort of quite proudly. Yeah, well, I thought... 724 00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:11,520 And the whole world went, "No!" 725 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:12,880 "Why are you doing that?" 726 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:16,200 Yeah. Now, commendably, these four knew that wasn't the task, really. 727 00:34:16,240 --> 00:34:17,840 It didn't say shortest or fastest. 728 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:21,280 You were quite cleverly not doing what you did. 729 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:24,280 Yeah, it's not been a great episode for me. OK! 730 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:26,480 OK, first up it's Rose Matafeo. 731 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:30,680 Sorry, it's Rosie, Mat and Fatiha. Here we go. 732 00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:32,720 "Write down every word you said in this room 733 00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:34,360 "before opening the task." 734 00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:37,160 I said mush... I said the joke. 735 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:41,480 The first thing I was said mushrooms. 736 00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:45,080 And after that... it's gonna go downhill. 737 00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:47,400 What did I call you? A prick? OK. 738 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:49,320 Mushrooms, stinky mushrooms... 739 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:50,480 KLAXON 740 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:52,480 Cooking mushrooms, I think I said. KLAXON 741 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,840 And then I think I said the joke wrong. 742 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:59,200 Did I say, "You look nice," something like that? 743 00:34:59,240 --> 00:35:01,040 KLAXON I hope so. 744 00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:03,440 It doesn't say you have to write with alternate hands. 745 00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:05,960 Oh, God! 746 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:09,680 Oh, shit, you have to write them in a different colour. 747 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:14,000 I definitely said more than this. Quite a lot. 748 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:15,400 Hmm. 749 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:19,680 Is "Ha-ha" a word? It's not, is it? Is it a word? 750 00:35:19,720 --> 00:35:21,560 Is it just a saying? 751 00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:24,440 I'm gonna take out the hahas, but then I need to write something else. 752 00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:26,880 OK, you've got 20 seconds. Oh, my God. 753 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:29,240 Finished? That's all I've got bro, innit? 754 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:30,840 What do you want, an essay? 755 00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:32,560 WHISTLE BLOWS 756 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:33,800 Thank you. 757 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,480 APPLAUSE 758 00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:40,120 That second part of the task really shines a light 759 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:41,640 on the old mushroom gag, don't it? 760 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:44,120 Oh, God! I said it completely wrong. 761 00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:46,040 I don't think I even know the joke properly. 762 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:47,320 You started adding to it. 763 00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:49,280 Like a true professional. 764 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,240 Fatiha, I think you just wrote prick and mushrooms 765 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:52,440 up on that whiteboard, did you? 766 00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:54,160 No, I didn't. I wrote loads of other stuff. 767 00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:55,680 And I was the only one that did it correct, 768 00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:57,480 cos you were supposed to write in the red and the blue, 769 00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:58,680 and I actually did that. 770 00:35:58,720 --> 00:36:00,760 Well, the others did also... did also do that. 771 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:02,880 Shut up! OK. You are one of only two 772 00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:06,000 who did the same numbers in red as in blue, so, yes. 773 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:07,960 Three of these people will have their numbers halved. 774 00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:09,200 Mathew. Yeah? 775 00:36:09,240 --> 00:36:10,760 You remembered mushroom. 776 00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:14,600 I remembered that I'd walked into the room and said, "Mushroom." 777 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:15,920 Mushroom, right. 778 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,080 And then you had to guess from that point onwards 779 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:19,880 and you guessed that the second thing 780 00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,000 you would say to Alex was, "You look nice." 781 00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:24,480 So what did Mathew get? 782 00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:27,560 So he only wrote 14 correct words, and we have to halve that, 783 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:30,400 cos he didn't do the same in red and blue, so seven is your total. 784 00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:31,680 Rosie. 785 00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:33,800 She wrote down 29 that she had said before 786 00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:37,080 and she did use the correct ones in red and blue, so pretty good. 787 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:38,640 And Fatiha, 22 correctly. 788 00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:41,600 So we've got... So far, we've got 29, 22 and 7. 789 00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:42,800 I mean, it did include, 790 00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:45,720 "If my hijab smells you will get punched," but that... 791 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:50,880 One part to go. 792 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,280 Will someone win, 793 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:55,280 and wrestle the final piece of Mat's jigsaw out of his pocket? 794 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:59,080 Yes, I know, it's hard to care. We'll see you in a minute. 795 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:01,000 CHEERING 796 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 797 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:14,720 Hi, hello, welcome back to Taskmaster and the final part of the show. 798 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:16,080 The five are in the lab, 799 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:19,200 where first of all they had to sharpen their pencils. 800 00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:21,720 Oh, yes, and then they received part two, 801 00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:24,480 where they had to write down every word they said 802 00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:26,200 before they'd opened the task. 803 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:28,320 Ideally the same number of words in each colour, 804 00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:30,080 most accurate legible words wins. 805 00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:31,840 And also, I was on mushrooms. 806 00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:35,600 Last up, it's Steve and Jase. 807 00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:38,040 I have fucked it. 808 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:39,640 It didn't say shortest pencil wins. 809 00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:41,720 No, and you did say you can use them still. 810 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,200 I can. Every word I said in this room. OK. 811 00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:46,240 I'm just gonna guess. I probably said the word "the", didn't I? 812 00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:51,720 OK, I think I said, "Let's do this." 813 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:54,640 Probably. 814 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:57,480 WHISPERING: Oh, shit. Hmm. 815 00:37:57,520 --> 00:37:58,720 I've lost the pencil. 816 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:02,920 LAUGHING: I've lost the pencil! 817 00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:07,120 Oh. I think I'm just doing that with my nail varnish. 818 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:12,280 Oh, I mean, it doesn't say pencils, it just says two different colours. 819 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:14,880 I've lost the first one. I'm gonna use my nail varnish. 820 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:16,560 Sh... Aaargh! 821 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:17,840 So then I said... 822 00:38:19,240 --> 00:38:22,920 "Write down every word 823 00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:28,440 "you said in this room 824 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:30,800 "before..." BUZZER 825 00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:33,480 Oh, goddammit! 826 00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:34,960 Yeah, you said those after. 827 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,120 Said those after, Alex. 828 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:38,760 So I'm fucked. I'm well fucked here. 829 00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:41,000 Well, you can cross things out, I suppose. I can? 830 00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:43,360 Yeah, you can't leave the room, so you can't get an eraser. 831 00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:45,720 Oh, you're gonna use the sandpaper. 832 00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:48,080 I'm assuming this is what the sandpaper is for. 833 00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:49,360 Well, it looks like it. 834 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:51,720 Mushroom. I said, "butter." 835 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:53,840 Come on. 836 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,000 Pencil ca... Shit! 837 00:38:57,800 --> 00:38:59,120 How long have I got? 30 seconds. 838 00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:01,280 OK, I'm running out of nail varnish. 839 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:05,040 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, 840 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:06,120 eight, nine, ten, eleven. 841 00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:07,960 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, 842 00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:10,680 eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Er, no. 15 seconds. 843 00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:14,520 Er, I said, er...spoon! "That's a long spoon, isn't it?" 844 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:15,840 Fuck! 845 00:39:15,880 --> 00:39:19,400 It looks like "spoggan." Is that...? WHISTLE BLOWS 846 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,360 Ow! 847 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:24,600 That hurt quite a lot. 848 00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:27,200 WHISTLE BLOWS 849 00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:28,440 Got it. 850 00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:34,720 I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I crushed it. 851 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 852 00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:42,200 You've an incredible destructive streak. 853 00:39:42,240 --> 00:39:44,880 From the first task. 854 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:47,160 You're both incredibly destructive. 855 00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:49,560 Both ended in absolute carnage 856 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:53,320 but there's a distinction, this felt wilful. 857 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:55,920 And what I wrote down for you, Stevie, was, 858 00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:59,280 "Does Stevie need to speak to our after-show support team?" 859 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:02,720 Did either of them get any words? 860 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:04,960 Jason did do very well. He did?! 861 00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:07,120 He wrote 34 of the words that he said before 862 00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:08,920 and that was before he started this clever technique, 863 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:10,600 which wasn't quite right, but he did really well. 864 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:12,480 Unfortunately he didn't do the same in each colour, 865 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:15,120 so we have to halve it to 17 words. 866 00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:16,920 Stevie, obviously we feel sad for you, 867 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:18,800 you also didn't the same in each colour, 868 00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:20,240 so your 19 words gets halved. 869 00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:21,840 I counted as well! 870 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:23,240 Yeah, you counted wrong. 871 00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:25,080 Jesus! 872 00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:28,000 So in this task, Mat gets one point, Stevie, you do get two, Jason three, 873 00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:31,120 four to Fatiha, but five to Rosie Ramsey. 874 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:34,000 CHEERING 875 00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:35,640 Let's see the scores once more. 876 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:38,920 Yes, well, Stevie and Fatiha in joint fourth, on nine. 877 00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,200 And, incredibly, Jason's in the lead with 15 points. 878 00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:43,320 What?! CHEERING 879 00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:47,400 Wow! 880 00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:51,400 OK, it's time to head to the stage for the final task of the show! 881 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:53,720 CHEERING 882 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:00,120 What's cooking, baby boy? 883 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:02,080 Stevie Martin's gonna read out the task. 884 00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:03,440 Stevie Martin, over to you. 885 00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:05,880 "Pop a balloon when you hear its colour. 886 00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:07,960 "Last to pop is eliminated. 887 00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:11,040 "If you pop early, you're eliminated. 888 00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:13,920 "Last player standing wins." 889 00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:15,480 Greg's gonna read a story out. 890 00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,520 In the story, there will be colours. 891 00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,880 When you hear a colour, you've gotta pop it. 892 00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:23,400 The last person to pop is out, or if you pop early, you're out. 893 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:25,400 It might be a homophone of the colour. 894 00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:27,160 He might say the Isle of Wight, 895 00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:29,520 which is not spelt the same as the colour, but that would count. 896 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:31,440 And how would you know that? 897 00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:34,000 LAUGHTER 898 00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:35,280 That... Sorry, that would count? 899 00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:37,040 That would count. If anyone's worried about 900 00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:38,840 the banging of the balloons, we do have this, 901 00:41:38,880 --> 00:41:42,080 but it will interfere with the story, I suppose. 902 00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:43,680 Can I have them? Yeah, fair enough. 903 00:41:43,720 --> 00:41:47,240 So just get ready and pop your biodegradable balloons. We're ready. 904 00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:52,160 It was the morning of the 46th birthday party of little Alex Horne. 905 00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:55,720 No-one was excited but it was a beautiful day. 906 00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:59,200 The sky was clear, the sun was bright, 907 00:41:59,240 --> 00:42:04,200 and the grass was looking even more neatly mowed than usual. 908 00:42:04,240 --> 00:42:06,920 As is tradition, the party was held 909 00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:09,600 at his local Chesham bowling green. 910 00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:11,240 BALLOONS POP Damn it.To start the party... 911 00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:19,640 Am I out? 912 00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:22,480 Well, a couple of you might be out. 913 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:24,120 Jason's burst two balloons. 914 00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:27,200 I was going for green and hit yellow by accident. 915 00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:28,960 Did he even say green? 916 00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:32,760 I'm out? Yes, you're out. 917 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:35,040 Jason doesn't appear to have many balloons left. 918 00:42:35,080 --> 00:42:37,760 BALLOON POPS 919 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:39,960 I'm gonna have to pop these balloons now, OK? 920 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:41,320 Can I turn around? Let me turn around. 921 00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:43,440 Yeah, you turn around. OK, go on, then. 922 00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:44,840 BALLOONS POP 923 00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:47,120 FATIHA SIGHS 924 00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:49,040 We have two people in last place. 925 00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:50,600 You ready? Yeah. Yeah. 926 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:53,880 To start the party Alex read all of his birthday cards. 927 00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:55,600 BALLOON POPS 928 00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:59,200 APPLAUSE 929 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:04,600 BALLOON POPS LAUGHTER 930 00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:07,160 Aaah! 931 00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:09,360 It is my birthday, OK? 932 00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:12,560 Is that what you do when balloons...? 933 00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:14,680 I just got a bit horny. 934 00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,800 Incredibly, we're already at the final, Greg. 935 00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:22,800 Are you ready? STEVIE: Yeah. 936 00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:24,960 One of his birthday cards was from the mayor 937 00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:27,360 and had all of his favourite fruits on. 938 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:29,520 Apples, a bunch of bananas, 939 00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:31,880 and his favourite of the citrus family, 940 00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:35,360 a lovely round grapefruit. 941 00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:37,800 Alex heard his phone ring. 942 00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:39,840 "Yeah?" he answered. 943 00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:42,120 It was his uncle, calling to ask 944 00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:45,440 if Alex had opened his small, inexpensive gift. 945 00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:46,720 The signal wasn't great, 946 00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:51,560 so Alex had to yell, "Oh, yes, I did, thank you." 947 00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:55,400 SHOUTING AND CHEERING 948 00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:58,040 But that's not a word! 949 00:43:58,080 --> 00:44:00,480 That's not a homophone, that's two separate words 950 00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:04,280 and I did it second, so I win. 951 00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:09,120 Sorry, I need this. 952 00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:10,760 Are the support staff nearby? 953 00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:14,880 So the task was, pop the balloon when you hear its colour. 954 00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:17,000 And I guess you did say yellow. 955 00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:19,360 I clearly said yellow. 956 00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:21,520 AUDIENCE GROANS 957 00:44:21,560 --> 00:44:23,320 BALLOONS POP Oh, I've accidentally... 958 00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:25,280 Oh, Mat, don't! 959 00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:29,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 960 00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:31,280 What a sacrifice! 961 00:44:31,320 --> 00:44:34,520 I mean, ironically the most irritating thing he's done so far. 962 00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:38,160 Everybody! 963 00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:44,480 Whether it was a sickening, kind act of altruism or not, 964 00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:45,920 he popped his balloon, 965 00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:48,360 and so I guess that kindness should be rewarded 966 00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:49,760 and Stevie should get the point. 967 00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:51,880 There we go, Stevie gets five points! 968 00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:55,840 CHEERING 969 00:44:55,880 --> 00:45:00,240 Come down here and we'll add those to your final scores. 970 00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:06,200 A lot happened in that task. 971 00:45:06,240 --> 00:45:07,960 Fatiha did a listening task wearing ear defenders, 972 00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:10,840 and still did just as bad as Jason. 973 00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:13,280 They came joint fourth and get two points each. 974 00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:14,480 Yes! 975 00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:16,760 Then, of course, Rosie was in third, gets three points. 976 00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:18,680 Mathew's demanded to come in second, he gets four. 977 00:45:18,720 --> 00:45:21,520 So Stevie gets the five points. Well done, Stevie. 978 00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:23,120 CHEERING 979 00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:24,160 I don't like it. 980 00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:25,600 I know, well, I don't like it either 981 00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:28,920 cos it means the final league table looks like this. 982 00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:30,680 We have joint winners now. 983 00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:32,000 Oh, God! 984 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,560 Rosie and Jason. 985 00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:36,160 So we both get all the prizes? 986 00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:39,760 No, what we've got, Jason, is a hole-punch tie-break. 987 00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:42,640 They had to make as many holes in a sheet of paper as possible 988 00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:44,960 but could only use the hole-punch once. 989 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:48,440 Most holes wins. Let's see what happened. 990 00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:53,360 I dunno what I'm doing. 991 00:45:57,120 --> 00:45:59,400 How am I doing on time? Still got 30 seconds. 992 00:45:59,440 --> 00:46:01,800 Ten seconds. Ah! 993 00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:05,600 ROSIE: 34. 994 00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:07,120 34 holes. WHISTLE BLOWS 995 00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:09,600 44.44 holes. APPLAUSE 996 00:46:09,640 --> 00:46:12,840 44 plays 34, Jason wins the tie-break. 997 00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:16,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jason Mantzoukas wins. 998 00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:22,880 In your face! USA! USA! USA! 999 00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:25,680 Please go and get thrills 1000 00:46:25,720 --> 00:46:28,960 from the things you've bestowed in some wills! 1001 00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:30,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1002 00:46:30,720 --> 00:46:32,960 So what have we learnt today? 1003 00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:34,400 Well, I guess we've learnt 1004 00:46:34,440 --> 00:46:36,960 that people always try their best to be nice, 1005 00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,600 to be considerate to others. 1006 00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:42,520 But sometimes, when we put humans under extreme pressure 1007 00:46:42,560 --> 00:46:45,120 they reveal things that they don't want anyone 1008 00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:46,680 to know about themselves. 1009 00:46:46,720 --> 00:46:48,880 HE GASPS 1010 00:46:48,920 --> 00:46:50,960 WHISPERING: Maybe we're the monsters! 1011 00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:55,040 Half done, half to go, 1012 00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:59,000 but for now it's all about Jason Mantzoukas! 1013 00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:01,760 CHEERING 1014 00:47:16,320 --> 00:47:19,320 Subtitles by Red Bee Media