Captions by Red
Captions by Red Bee
Captions by Red Bee Media.
Arggh!
Egh!
Ohh!
YES!
No! Mwah!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome to Taskmaster Australia.
If this show was a sport,
it would be full contact and banned everywhere but the Maldives.
If this show was a song, it would be full fidelity
and performed by throat singers.
Every episode, five yet-to-be fully formed comedians
chase points by completing tasks,
with the series winner awarded a prize so sought after by crooks
that it's guarded by a real big prick of a dragon -
this shimmering mould of my head.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Our current crop of comics are Anne Edmonds...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..Jenny Tian... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..Josh Thomas... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..Lloyd Langford... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
..and Wil Anderson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Finally, to my left is the guy whose casual wardrobe
is made up entirely of MrBeast merch.
It's Lesser Tom Cashman.
(CHEEEING, APPLAUSE)
What have you been up to, little buddy?
I've, um... I got a new job. I've been moonlighting.
Oh, OK.
I'm the editor in chief in chief in chief in chief
at Babushka Doll Magazine.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, no. (APPLAUSE)
Got an example of the magazine here.
So, if you want to see some of the stuff that's in it...
(LAUGHTER)
And, yeah, they get smaller as you go.
On the back, look how small it is.
This doing nothing for you?
(LAUGHTER)
Alright. Thank you once again.
You've earned a participation award.
Now, what's the prize task?
This week, our contestants have been asked to bring in a thing
that would make a crowd of people go, "Ooh."
Josh Thomas, what do you got?
Oh, um...
I just brought in this, um, ordinary bottle.
OK. (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
You got a sympathy "Ooh" there. Oh.
Oh, no. Everyone hates my bottle.
I feel so stupid! I'm a stupid boy.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Ahh! (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
They really delivered on the "Ooh"!
Thanks, guys. (LAUGHTER)
I have a feeling you just did
what the Taskmaster has been wanting to do for a while.
(LAUGHTER)
Everybody wants to smash... Yeah.
Oh. On me? Yeah.
Uh-huh. (LAUGHTER)
Alright. That's pretty effective, Josh. Lloyd, what do you have?
I asked a AI image generator
to conjure up an image of Tom Gleason and Tom Cashman
engaging in French kissing with each other.
(LAUGHTER)
(ALL EXCLAIM, LAUGH)
WOMAN: Ew!
I would say the results speak for themselves.
Yeah, well, it's a bit tricky
because I don't think the crowd went, "Ooh!"
I think they kind of went, "Eugh!" (LAUGHTER)
Some... I think some of them were aroused.
Round of applause if you're aroused.
(CLAPS)
(LAUGHTER)
Alright. Wil, what did you bring in?
I thought back to the first time I ever heard a large group of people
make this noise.
And so I brought in this note from when I was young.
It says, "Could William Anderson please report
"to the principal's office immediately?"
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
I feel like you're a bit like performing monkeys that time.
Wasn't as... Wasn't as spontaneous as Josh's broken bottle.
Alright, well, it worked on this crowd, but is that the...
Is that the sound you remember happening in class?
Yes.
I know you said the audience sounded a little bit pantomimey
when they did that,
but that was also what it would sound like in the, like, classroom.
So I think the audience were actually doing
exactly the same thing as the kids would do
when that note would come in.
It was performative. Like, "Ooh." Yeah, ooh.
Which is how I interpreted "Ooooooh".
OK.
Um, Anne, what did you bring in?
So I have brought in two photos of Lloyd and I as toddlers.
AUDIENCE: Aw... Oh, great. Which one's Lloyd?
(LAUGHTER)
He's the one there that looks like a CEO.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
How do you look younger now?
(LAUGHTER)
OK, well, it did get a sound out of the crowd.
It did. Pretty fair.
Jenny, what have you got?
So I've brought in a stack of envelopes.
Um, but wait, there's a bit more to this.
Alright, everyone. One. Two. Three.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Hang on. That's just crowd work. What are you doing?
Because inside those envelopes is a message.
Oh.
"Congratulations.
"You've been chosen to participate in Jenny Tian's prize task.
"When Jenny counts to three go, 'Ooh!'"
Oh, so they've all got that envelope. Yeah.
Oh, you gave it to them before the show?
Yeah. OK.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
OK, well, I've got to judge it mostly by the sound of the "ooh".
So one point goes to Lloyd, because that was definitely a "Eugh!"
I'm going to give two points to Anne because it was...
Oh.
..it was more of an "aw..." as opposed to an ooh.
Yeah. OK Wil Anderson, three points,
because he got a really strong "ooh" there.
Uh, whereas Jenny, four points,
'cause the "ooh" happened exactly when she wanted it to.
Whereas I think the very, very strong "ooh" came from Josh
bashing himself on the head.
Thanks guys.
But I must admit I wanted to go, "Yay!"
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright. Good stuff, Tom. Time for a task.
Let's just say little John would love this one.
(LAUGHS)
Huh.
Hi, Anne. Hello, Tom. How are you?
I'm OK. Good.
Hi, Josh. Hi.
You look different.
What do you mean? Nothing.
OK, then. Let's have a look.
"How low can you go?"
"Go as low as you can go."
"Lowest wins. You have 20 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
What's the lowest you've ever been?
A few tasks on this, I reckon.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
OK, so, pretty simple.
Just how low can you go? Lowest wins.
Who we got first?
It's John Withams Talondress.
Which is a new man I made up using the letters
from the names Josh Thomas and Wil Anderson.
(LAUGHS)
It's not literally limbo, though, is it?
You could go lower than limbo.
We're really not going to talk about the...?
The make-up? Mm.
Oh. Because I'm tired. OK.
I thought it might seem like we're having fun anyway.
OK. Is it working?
Yeah.
Tom, would you be able to Google "I hate Wil Anderson"?
OK. Yeah.
Find as many references to people just saying that they hate me.
Anything, like bad reviews.
I don't want to get my clothes dirty
because I made the lady that cleans the clothes do my make-up.
And she tried really hard and I promised her I'd be really funny.
But actually, it's just stupid, isn't it?
I don't think it's stupid. You like it?
I think it's nice. Tell me I look pretty.
You look pretty.
Say it again. You look pretty.
This feels low. Doesn't it?
(READS) "Wil Anderson was funny on triple j back in the day.
"Has been rubbish since then."
Mm.
"Funnyman Wil Anderson has been accused of being not funny at all
"and in fact downright rude during the filming of his TV show."
Oh... That's from news.com.au
Say it again.
You look pretty. Can you say it more enamoured?
You look pretty.
"Wil Anderson sounds like he's about to have an asthma attack
"when he laughs at his own jokes."
That's an anonymous user from The Dollop subreddit.
Oh.
This is a quote about Wilegal, your 2017 Festival show.
"If you must see it, go on a cheap Tuesday."
"(BLEEP) Wil Anderson."
That's a quote from Kyle Sandilands.
I want you to be cuter. Give me these.
Say "You look prettier than Tom Ballard."
You look prettier than Tom Ballard.
My ex-boyfriend. Your ex-boyfriend.
No, you don't say that. I'm just explaining. That's my ex-boyfriend.
I just thought that would feel low. OK.
Say it again. You look prettier than Tom Ballard.
Oh, that does feel low, doesn't it?
Are you feeling emotionally low?
I'm feeling...
I'm feeling very low.
(SNIFFS)
Wil, are you OK?
(SNIFFS) I don't want to do this anymore.
Talk to me, Wil.
I can't. I don't want to do this anymore.
Say "You look skinny."
You look skinny.
I like that. Say it again.
You look skinny.
Say I look skinnier than Tom Ballard.
You look skinnier than Tom Ballard. Without laughing.
You look skinnier than Tom Ballard.
OK.
That feels terrible.
Let's move... Let's move on. OK.
(APPLAUSE)
So, Josh, your interpretation of low was to be petty?
Yeah. Can you explain it?
I didn't quite get it.
It just seemed a bit of a dog act, didn't it,
to make him say on national television
that I'm prettier than the boyfriend I had when I was 19.
So you mean low as in you were being a bad person?
I was being a bit shitty, wasn't I?
Yeah, but... I just feel like it's sort of mixed into your general vibe.
So it didn't feel... (LAUGHTER)
It didn't feel lower than usual.
It didn't say to get lowER.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
I think I need to ask you,
what did you do to Kyle to elicit that response?
(SIGHS) (LAUGHTER)
I mean, it could have just been so many occasions...
I don't know specifically what it was that made Kyle say that.
Maybe somebody asked him, "What's on your bucket list?"
(LAUGHTER)
So clearly there was a limbo pole there as well. Bright red.
But, you know, you both realised that was a red herring.
Like, you'd have to be a fool
just to go and start doing limbo, wouldn't you?
(AWKWARD LAUGHTER) Alright.
Time for a break. (LAUGHTER)
Don't be a low dog and leave us.
Stay high-minded, and we'll see you after these commercials.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
What's happening, Tom Cashman?
Our comedians have been asked to go as low as they can go.
And as Wil and Josh have proved, you don't have to take that literally.
Next up - no, next DOWN - it's Anne and Lloyd.
So what's it...like that?
I presume it has to abide by the laws of limbo.
I can't put it on the lowest rung
and then sliver underneath like a snake.
(LAUGHTER)
TOM: You OK there? (CHUCKLES)
Can you do...
I mean, I barely did that.
That's as long as you can go?
I don't know. Please...
Let me out of this task, please!
When was the last time you limboed?
Probably at a kid's birthday party.
Which kid?
Oh. Like another... I was a kid as well.
Oh, you're also a kid. (LAUGHS)
I wasn't just walking past, look through the window and thought,
"I'll absolutely destroy them at this."
(DEEP VOICE) Low...
Way down low.
I feel like I've got quite a big nose.
I'm just going to tamp it down a bit.
Is that better? I could go like...
A lower geographical point.
Oh!
This might be my limit, this notch.
That's how low I can go.
You can't go lower than that?
Just slightly lower than where I was.
So much easier.
I guess I could...
..trash the joint!
Now who's low? (LAUGHTER)
13 seconds.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) I thought I could stay standing up.
You didn't get all of them.
'Sat?
Wow. That's low.
Do you think? Very low.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So you both took it literally there.
At first for you, Anne... ANNE: Mm.
..you were trying to limbo.
Yeah.
But then I feel like you actually started to reach
an emotional low point.
I did go low emotionally. Like, for real.
For real. I just... Wil was pretending.
But you were there. I was...
I wanted to hurt things. (LAUGHTER)
We've seen you at that point quite a few times across...
(LAUGHTER) ..across the seasons.
Now, Lloyd, you attempting to do limbo properly
when everyone else had taken it somewhere else,
was probably the lowest point of the series.
(LAUGHTER)
Like, even to the point where you taped your nose down
because you were worried that it would catch the bar.
It was too much for me.
I just... You can't win on this show,
because if I'd gone and had some sort of existential crisis,
then we get back in the studio
and everyone else is (BLEEP) limboing
and you go...and you go,
"You didn't even make it under the highest pole."
So let's just read the task again, if you don't mind.
"How low can you go? Go as low as you can go.
"Lowest wins. You have 20 minutes."
Never mentioned limbo.
(LAUGHTER)
Wow. This is really low.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, great. One attempt left.
It's our shortest contestant,
so she'll have the lowest starting point.
Will it be an advantage? It's Jenny Tian.
JENNY: So I could go, like, emotionally, like sad low.
Or I could go low, as in, like, "I'm a scumbag. That's so low."
As in, do something really immoral?
Yes. Oh.
What if I stole your thing?
Your little...little timer?
What if I... What if I took this?
What if I just took this? (LAUGHS)
Oh, do you want me to... OK.
Oh, no! Don't chase me!
(LAUGHS)
Can I have the iPad back, please? No.
What if I reset it?
(SCREAMS)
Nice try.
Uh!
Oh!
What are you gonna do about that? (APPLAUSE)
Yeah, you piece of shit.
You...suck.
And everyone hates you! Oh.
No-one in your life loves you. Everyone also hates you.
Oh, yeah.
And then you will... you will die lonely.
Oh. You are a turd.
You will never find love either.
(LAUGHS)
Um. Incredible...
No! You piece of shit! No!
No!
You know you'll still never find love or joy in your life.
Ugh! (APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Uh, Jenny, you've been quite polite across the series.
I feel like that was really hard for you.
It was, but then as soon as I saw Tom's smug face...
(LAUGHS)
..I just went for it, you know?
And, you know, being kind of, like, mean
and stealing from someone as pathetic as this...
(LAUGHTER)
..I thought, really...that's that's got to be really, really low.
I know, but for me, it's weird, because you doing that
is kind of what I'd to him as well.
So for me, it kind of just feels fair.
(LAUGHTER)
Are you implying that... that you're low?
No, no, no. I'm just implying that I'm correct.
(LAUGHTER)
TOM: Can I read out some other things that she said?
Yeah.
"Tom, you suck. You piece of shit.
"Doesn't that hurt and pain you to the core
"that everyone will die and perish from your existence?
"You also will die, by the way."
(LAUGHTER)
"You're a pretty nice guy,
"but you're a piece of shit and you deserve death."
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I mean, there's some pretty low acts.
I guess I should come up with some scores.
Yeah.
It's tricky because they're all very low in their own different ways.
But I'm going to give one point to Josh because he was low.
But at the same time it just felt like
it fitted in with his normal behaviour.
I'm going to give two points to Wil.
I feel like he was pretending to be low.
Three points to Anne, because she became genuinely low.
Lloyd I'm going to give four points to
because by actually trying to do limbo correctly,
I just could barely look at it.
(LAUGHTER)
But I think the lowest of the low and the crowd favourite was Jenny.
Five points to Jenny.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
What are the scores like so far in the episode?
Well, she may be lowest of the low, but she's highest on the table.
The winner at the moment is Jenny with nine points!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, let's get into our next task.
I thought this task was about manta rays, and I was very scared,
until I read it again and realised it was about mantras, yay!
(LAUGHTER)
Tiramisu.
Hello, Tom. Hi, Wil.
What's this?
Ooh!
Is it alright?
I don't know. He's hanging in there. Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
I've got a good feeling about this one.
Oh, really?
Yeah. I think I'm gonna win it. Yoink!
Ooh! "Create an original mantra to live by.
"And put it on a motivational poster."
OK, so that's what it is. It's a motivational poster. Hang in there.
"Most original mantra wins.
"You have 12 minutes. Your time starts now."
Do you have a mantra to live by?
You do you. Oh, right.
No, I don't.
Gonna do a real brain dump out loud.
Yeah. But don't judge me.
I'm not judging.
So I'm thinking of, like, powerful people that influence people.
So, look, Hitler's the first person that comes to my mind.
I'm judging. (LAUGHTER)
Do you have a mantra that you live your life by?
Not really. I take it day by day.
Well, that's a mantra. Isn't it?
In fact, I like that.
That's not original. But what if I had some play on that?
Take it every second day.
First I'm going to start by sticking on some feathers.
Do you know, I like to say to my friends...
No. ..and I say, "Oink, oink, bitches."
Oh. And that means, like, we're in now.
OK. Have a mojito.
Something that Anne always has a go at me about
is that before I met her,
when I was making pasta,
I would put the pasta in the pan and put the water on top of the pasta
and then start boiling the water.
That's an absurd approach.
My mantra is going to be
"Take your life every second day by day."
I have to look around the whole house for a pig.
Camera off the tripod, boys. Let's go.
Wait, that was actually more straightforward than I thought...
OK. It was just in the hallway.
You found a pig quite... Yeah.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
"You are the field by which you can choose to plough."
"Risk existence. Go the distance."
OK, good.
Here's the day of work.
Here's the day of the cat,
reflecting on the hard day
hanging in there.
There's some disclaimers and some fine print down the bottom.
But... Terms and conditions, that's what it is.
Are you happy with this? I'm very happy with it.
Thanks, Anne. See you.
Ah...
Ooh!
Oh.
Why do you say "Ooh"? 'Cause it's not mine.
Did you hope that it would be yours? Yeah.
Right.
"Live by the mantra on the poster."
"Best living by of a mantra wins."
"You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now.'
"Don't drop your pasta until..."
(LAUGHS) "..the water is boiling."
Take your life every second day.
By day.
I thought it was some kind of Groundhog Day suicide thing.
Is that Wil's motivational message?
(BLEEP) me, that's bad.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
I feel like I'm going to regret asking this,
but if we go all the way back to the beginning there,
when you walked into the room, Lloyd, you said, "Tiramisu."
(LAUGHTER)
What was that about?
I decided that I would address Tom
with a different word beginning with T every time a task started.
And I would never call him Tom at the start of a task.
So that one was 'tiramisu'. OK. (LAUGHS)
But they've edited some of them out,
so now it just looked like I was having a breakdown.
(LAUGHTER)
I have a mantra.
Let's watch the first attempt.
First, this is an even more specific mantra from Wil.
This is his actual mantra.
"Take your life every second day by day." Asterisk.
"Rest every second day." Asterisk.
"CEOs especially, redistribute your wealth."
Asterisk. "Especially cats,
"Reflect on how you got into this mess."
Here to live it, it's Lloyd Langford.
(LAUGHTER)
"Rest every second day." What's he on about?
It's the scribblings of a madman.
I've only got 20 minutes,
so let's take the 20 minutes as two different days.
Ten minutes each.
"CEOs especially, redistribute your wealth."
I've got some money in my wallet... OK.
..and I'll redistribute it to the crew.
Oh. Right. Here we go.
$15. You can have $10.
Thank you.
Do you want $5?
Now I'm going to rest for four minutes.
We can just...
I'll just have a lie-down like this, right, on this lovely carpet.
Would you like me to play a relaxing song?
Yeah. Go and get your lute.
(PLAYS GENTLE MELODY)
That was really good.
Thank you. Yeah.
Just freestyle it now. Just a bit of jazz riffing.
(PLAYS JAZZY MELODY)
This cat can really swing.
(CONTINUES PLAYING) (LAUGHS)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Oh, I didn't like the final note, but apart from that, it was great.
(APPLAUSE)
So, like you say, they were the scribblings of a madman.
Yeah, I don't know much about mantras,
but I think they need to be, like, one sentence.
They need to be snappy and memorable.
You can't have three or four different footnotes in a mantra.
So there's a lot of chaos to make sense of.
Yeah, it becomes an academic text,
and not...it wasn't part of the mantra,
but the recorder playing was definitely the highlight.
Oh, no, there was another asterisk on the back.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, well, you seem to be a bit of a jazz fan.
Would you have a jazz name for Lesser Tom?
I would call him Tootling Tom.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you for finally calling me Tom.
(LAUGHTER) We need to take a break.
So this task is a voodoo doll of Lesser Tom,
because we're putting a pin in it.
See you shortly.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Our comedians are currently finding their truths
by living out another's false affirmation.
Right, Tom? That's right.
Our contestants have come up with a mantra to live by,
and then other contestants are living by those mantras.
Alright. Who's up?
Taking on Lloyd Langford's poignant, highly metaphorical mantra
"Don't drop your pasta until the water is boiling",
it's Jenny Tian.
I'm guessing this is Lloyd.
I mean, he's got beautiful lips.
Do you think Lloyd has beautiful lips?
I mean, in this picture, he's given himself
the most attractive lips I think I've ever seen in my life.
I'll go to the kitchen and find some, like, pasta.
OK.
Add some water to this.
Put this on so it boils faster.
I thought that I might look like Lloyd as well.
OK. (LAUGHTER)
Well, I'll drop in the pasta.
The water is boiling, so I'll...
Yeah, it's got bubbles. So I'll drop in pasta.
I don't know what else I could add to this
unless you can think of stuff.
Thanks! Bye!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Oh!
(LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE)
So, Jenny, why did you not wait for the water to boil?
(LAUGHTER)
Which was pretty much the only thing in the mantra.
I thought I nailed the task
because I saw the bubbles appear,
and you would assume that the bubbles only appear
when the water is boiling.
Tiny, but very small bubbles. No, you need...
Am I learning how to boil water right now?
(LAUGHTER) On TV.
But what I learnt in science class, guys... (LAUGHS)
..was that when you see the bubbles emerging,
that's only supposed to happen when the water boils.
No, Jenny. (LAUGHTER)
Where did you go to school, Jenny?
I went to Cheltenham Girls High.
Don't send your kids there.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, let's go to our next one, Tom.
With the Jenny-written mantra, "Risk existence to go the distance."
it's Wil Anderson.
I mean, I could go to space.
Like, I mean, that would be going a long distance,
but also there's an inherent risk of existence on a trip to space.
What I really don't want to do is do another green screen thing, Tom.
(LAUGHTER)
Isn't this amazing, cat-stronaut?
You don't need to hang in there anymore
because you're in zero gravity.
I can't believe we've done this in 15 minutes.
But you know what? We haven't gone the full distance yet.
We've got to risk our existence.
Let's go out and have a look in space.
(AIR LOCK DOOR OPENS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Oh, this was a terrible idea.
Remember me, Cat.
You remember me...
What? That was great.
(LAUGHTER)
I went to space.
Well, you know what I'm worried about.
As we've seen in previous episodes, I'm not a fan of your sketch comedy, Wil.
It wasn't meant to be a comedy. It was a drama.
We were risking existence.
Like, I'd taken "hang in there" to the next level.
Like, we were hanging, like, in there in space.
We've been through this before,
but I just have been wondering why you are doing this show.
You host your own show. It's called Gruen.
It's really good. I know.
But I'm sick of being successful. Do you need money? I can lend you money.
(LAUGHTER)
I just wanted to come on here and show that I'm human.
I can't do everything. OK. Alright.
Except go to space.
I went to space, but in a way that did not please Tom.
He's not a fan of my sketch comedy,
which makes me feel bad for how much of it I know is still to come.
OK. I feel like I'm being made to go the distance. Who's next?
With The Anne-written mantra,
"You are the field by which you can choose to plough,"
it's Josh Thomas.
It's just saying instead of looking outwards for help,
you can look inwards for help.
I think that's what it means. OK.
So, the best way to complete that mantra
would be to do my mantra, which is, "Oink, oink, bitches."
Because you are the field by which you can choose to plough.
Alright. I'm going to do my one.
And by doing my one,
I will be doing their one in the most authentic way possible. OK.
So, I'm just going to go and eat a lot of candy
and drink some beers and, um, ketamine.
Not today. Not today. Not today.
I'd like a plate of kimchi and cheese toasties
and, like, um, three beers
and I'd like... I'd like four beers.
Four beers. OK.
I think 'oink, oink, bitches'
is about just, like, having fun, isn't it?
And doing what you want to do.
I've always wanted to go out on the boat.
Out on the lake. Yeah.
More pickle? Probably had enough pickle.
I'll have a bit of pickle. Yeah.
I think I've really nailed it.
(LAUGHTER)
I think you're actually very clever here,
because what you did was you just,
like, weaselled it back to your original mantra.
I sort of worked out that I had to find something within me to do,
but the problem was, what do I do?
So within you you found your own mantra.
So, I found my own mantra.
When I say, "Oink, oink, bitches,"
it's like if you're all, like, hung over
or, like, you've been in Rio
and your friend's like, "Oh, I don't know if we can go to another party,"
I'll go, "Oink, oink, bitches."
I will say, this is not the last time
that Josh's creative brainstorming process
led to him deciding to drink some beers.
(LAUGHTER)
Oink, oink, bitches.
Alright.
Now the final person is also going to live by 'oink oink'?
Oink, oink, bitches. Yes! Here we go.
It's Anne Edmonds.
"Oink, oink, bitches." I feel like that's got a real attitude about it.
Hang on. I need this gun actually.
I'll give you a scenario. OK.
Then I want you to come out from behind there.
And then I'm going to deal with you.
OK? OK.
Where's the money? I'm sorry.
Where's the money? I took it for myself.
Get on your knees. OK. I'm sorry.
You should be sorry. I've got other people above me that rely on that.
What do you think's going to happen to me? I don't know.
What do you think's going to happen? Wh...wh...What will happen?
I don't know. OK.
I'll have to call them.
Hello? What's going to happen to me?
They're going to shoot me as well. Oh, no.
So, now I'm going to shoot you.
Oh, but you didn't like it when they said they'd do it to you.
Oh, oink, oink, bitches.
(GUNSHOT FX)
Alright, up you get.
OK. We'll just do another one.
Hi, Anne.
Where have you been? Nowhere.
Well, I looked at your phone. Oh.
You've been off with Tanya.
This is the fourth time you've cheated on me.
I'm starting to go crazy. You know?
It's just sex. It's just...
Get on your knees! It's nothing.
We weren't... Oh, oink, oink, bitches.
(GUNSHOT FX)
We'll just do another one.
Prime Minister. Congratulations. Hi, deputy.
Oh, dear. I've locked the door. What do you mean?
Prime Minister, if you want to stay in the role,
there's just one thing you've got to do.
Get on your knees and oink like a pig.
Why would I do that?
Or I'm gonna shoot you in the face, mate.
It's as simple as that.
Get on your hands and knees, Prime Minister.
You're making a big mistake. I'm not. I'm making a good decision.
Oink like a pig. No.
Oink. (SNORTS)
That's not a...that's not... That's not an oink.
You... Open your mouth more. (SNORTS)
Deeper, deeper.
(SNORTS)
And I'm going to kill you anyway.
That's the way I roll.
(GUNSHOT FX)
Oink, oink, bitch...es.
I mean...
I bloody loved that.
(LAUGHTER)
You took a mantra and turned it into a catchphrase.
I thought it was perfect.
I must say Tom's oinks were...
..they were troubled.
Can we have some oinks from you now?
(SNORTS) Oh...
I just want to take you to Scene 2.
Cashman had been cheating with Tanya.
Mmm.
Um, Lloyd. Who's Tanya?
(LAUGHTER)
Someone that isn't critical about the temperature of my pasta water.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah. OK.
Well, it's one point for Jenny straight up,
because she didn't boil the water.
That was the one thing she had to do.
Uh, two points to Wil, because we had to see some sketch comedy again.
And hopefully that never happens again for the whole series.
Uh, three points to Lloyd because he didn't do much but lay down.
I actually feel like you were the star of Lloyd's mantra.
Thank you.
Uh, and four points to Josh
because he very sneakily worked out
a way of drinking beers during a task.
But five points to Anne Edmonds. Oh, thank you.
Because she shot you in the head.
What does that do to the episode scores, Lesser Tom?
Well, we're sitting on a three-way tie on 10 points
between Anne, Jenny and Josh.
This end of town.
We're going to a break, so why not live, laugh,
love your way through the next three minutes.
If not that mantra, please at least don't go anywhere. Back soon.
W-B-T-T-M-AU.
That's an efficiency measure
for saying "Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.'
The explanation is long now, but it'll save time later.
T-C-W-N?
What's next? I'm reading you loud and clear.
It's like we're the same guy. It's another task.
Oh, no.
This looks fun, doesn't it?
Hi, Josh. This looks like good, clean fun.
So, they're going to try and hit me with a car now. It's interesting.
Hello.
Am I going to throw balls in the van?
I'd love to throw some bloody balls in a van, man.
That's the kind of thing you come here for -
to throw some balls in a van.
You reckon?
I'm gonna throw some balls in a van.
WIL: Task. Moving vehicle.
Oh. Oh. Interesting.
Huh?
Oh, it's so long.
Here. You read it.
Bounce a ball, kick a ball, throw a ball,
racket-hit a ball.
..and AFL-punch-pass a ball into the circling van.
JOSH: You may not leave the circle.
And all balls must travel through the official shooting zone.
Is this the official shooting zone here? OK.
Balls will be restocked once they have been used.
Once a type of ball or propulsion has been successful,
it may not be used again.
LLOYD: The van will stop when you've propelled all five balls into it.
Fewest van laps wins. You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.
Tennis ball. Soccer ball. Australian football.
Like, medicine ball. What's this?
Oh, is that a meatball? Ah...
Is that a poo? No.
I draw the line at poo.
OK, I'll note that down. Thank you.
So, get the balls into the van in five unique ways.
Love it. Who's first?
I'll tell you, it's an...array of people.
Wil, Josh, Lloyd and Jenny. Everyone except Anne.
I'm gonna start with, uh...
I'm going to start with throw a ball.
Ah! Oh, no.
I'm going to throw the meat ball. That's going to be my first one.
Yes! Well done.
Close.
Very close.
JOSH: You'd be shocking if I did this right. Who even knew that this...
Ha!!!!!
Oh, so I can use that method again because it wasn't successful.
That's right.
So, I'm gonna AFL punch pass this one.
A meatball? Yep.
Oh!
Did you see that?
(LAUGHS)
Come on, baby, you've got this. Golden arms.
Yes!
That's all the balls. Restock.
WIL: Thank you, mate.
Faster! I only have 20 minutes.
I'm going to go with punch the AFL ball in again.
AFL ball is in.
Yes! Bounce is one of the hardest ones to get, I would say.
LLOYD: I think that was in.
Soccer. Kick the soccer ball in is going to be my next one.
I'm gonna racket hit this.
Oh...
Ewwww...
You didn't think I could do it.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
I mean, that felt alright. Yeah.
It's crazy how much I don't get it in, isn't it?
I haven't bounced and I haven't kicked.
Oh.
This was 100% error. Even Rafa Nadal couldn't do this.
I'm happy. That's OK. Thanks, Tom.
Thanks, Wil. Thank you.
Kicky. Kicky!
Oh!
Bounce. Far out.
Racket boy has got his big racket serve.
And it's got the good racket curve.
Yes! That's in.
Get out of here, racket.
Alright. We're just on the big ball.
I've got to bounce it. Yeah.
Yes!
Oh my golly gosh, he's the champion of balls.
Whoo-hoo!
You're disappointed.
I mean, he's got to be close to running out of petrol, surely.
Thanks, Jenny. Thanks, Tom.
(APPLAUSE)
Very good, everyone. You all did a really good job.
Um, I really liked Josh and Jenny praising themselves
for such minor achievements.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, honey, you go chuck a couple of balls into a van
in all different fashions,
when some of them are big and some of them are small,
and you can only use different techniques different times
on a 40-degree day.
Nah. That was... We were incredible.
Yeah. Yeah. We were.
I did notice the crowd.
They cheered more
the more uncoordinated the person was who got it in.
Because Wil just, like, kicked one in
and, like, the crowd went, huh?
To be fair, Wil told me
it's the proudest he's ever been in his life.
I saw it, it was a great kick, but like, yeah, bam, bam, bam.
And then it goes in and I was like, hey.
It was fun, though.
Like, my favourite thing about it
was I was like, "Who's driving the van?"
And they were like, "He's a professional stunt driver."
For insurance reasons, we had to get a professional stunt driver.
It's the most disappointed man I've ever seen.
So what stats do we have?
Josh took 33 van laps,
Jenny, 29,
Lloyd 21
and Wil a measly 13 laps.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, so given it's only Anne left, we must be in for a real show.
But before that real show,
you're going to watch 10 little fake shows.
This is the ad break. We'll be back soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We left you with a real cliff-hanger before the break.
How shit is Anne Edmonds going to be at hand-eye coordination challenge?
I would encourage the viewer going into this
to remember that with Anne, you know, she's busy.
Is it a meatball? Yeah.
I could eat that and end everything.
It would be one way out of doing this task.
Please don't need it. A hospitalisation.
Ha, ha, ha!
Are you gonna do that after every successful ball?
Maybe.
Yeah, mate. Put your foot on it.
Yeah, this guy. Where did he learn to drive?
(BLEEP)
Sorry, mate.
It can't fit that.
I'm cursed. That was this close. Mmm.
Shit, I'm getting sooky.
I reckon the public's going to be bored with this one.
Ha, ha, ha!
There's going to be some trick here,
and I'm just going to be really angry.
What kind of trick?
I don't know, because the van keeps stopping,
but I can't work out why it's stopping.
And then I'm only allowed to shoot through here.
So it's stopping at the wrong time? Yes.
Is he allowed to take instructions?
Can you stop there?
Oh, he's an arsehole.
I missed a spin on doing that.
Starting to get clinical depression.
When I do something, he stops.
But what is it? I wonder.
Scratch my nose?
Touch a ball?
Ha-ha!
If I pick a ball up, he stops.
Ha-ha! I cracked the code.
I'll still not be able to get it...
Ah! ..in there!
Isn't that a throw again? I don't know.
I think that was in. Oh. Thank you.
I think it was too. Just.
30 seconds.
That's in. It is in. I don't think so.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Alright. Then.
Well, I think that was rough for everybody, wasn't it?
Thanks, Anne. Thank you.
Is that a protest?
So, Anne you figured out the secret, or did you?
Well, now I know that it's ducks,
which is duck down to pick up the ball.
I thought it was any time you touch the ball, the van stopped.
However, it didn't help me in any way.
(LAUGHTER)
How many times did I go around, though?
Uh, more than the others.
(LAUGHTER)
But what about some points for intelligence?
None of them got the... broke the system.
It seems like with the wisdom of the system, you came last.
So, you took 45 laps. Mmm.
But you also didn't get all five balls in.
So, the laps is kind of irrelevant. Yeah, OK.
Oink, oink, bitches.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, that means Anne gets one point.
Josh gets two points.
Three points to Jenny, Lloyd with four.
But the winner of the task, it's Wil Anderson with five points.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you. Thank you.
So, where does that bring us up to for the episode?
Well, anyone can still win it.
There's only two points in it at the moment,
but Jenny's on top with lucky 13 points.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Let's get these five up on the stage for the final task of the show.
Alright. Lesser Tom, what's tonight's live task?
I will let Josh answer this question.
If you could read it into the microphone, please.
Oh, OK. Good. I'm a good reader.
(DISTORTED VOICE)
Wait, can I clarify?
So, is the point to deceive?
Yes. Yes.
So, like, so, like, does it have to be a true childhood?
No, it can be true or false memory. It can be fake. OK.
OK. We're ready.
It's up to you who goes first.
Well, I'm just trying to think
which of the contestants used to go on holidays to Wollongong
and knows how to do a Welsh accent.
I'm thinking that might be Lloyd.
Thank you for your guess, Taskmaster.
Can the next contestant share their memory?
It's a bit tricky.
This person is reminiscing about their time in the film American Pie.
Is it maybe Josh doing a weird voice?
Thank you for your guess, Taskmaster.
Can the next contestant share a memory, please?
Well, it's tricky because I did already guess Josh
and that answer went for too long, which makes me think it's Josh.
Um, so I'll have to say it's an Anne.
All out of whack now. I'm going to say that's Jenny.
I'm going to say that's Jenny, because that sounds like someone
who's prolific on TikTok's impression of farm life.
Alright. That is the end of our first round.
Lloyd, Anne and Jenny are all eliminated.
No.
OK, well, I've still got a bit more guessing to do.
We'll see you after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia,
where we've still got two fools on the stage
who are trying to deceive me.
Lesser Tom, what's going on?
We've got two remaining contestants, Wil and Josh.
How are we going to sort this out?
You're going to use the famous childhood game scissors paper rock. Yeah.
Whoever wins this game of scissors paper rock
will get to select yourself or the other
to go up to the microphone and share a childhood memory.
If the Taskmaster successfully guesses, you're eliminated
and we have our winner.
If he doesn't successfully guess, we continue until we have a winner.
It had the desperation of Josh Thomas I think.
That is correct. Josh is eliminated.
Our winner is Wil Anderson.
Alright, comedians,
get back down here and join me for the final result.
Alright.
We've just seen these comedians flail around during the live task.
So, it's time to put some numbers to their efforts.
Tom, how did they go?
Well, Wil won. Josh came second.
And everyone else got knocked out in round one.
So it's up to you what scores to give.
OK, well, I reckon it's five for Wil, four for Josh,
one, one, one for the others. OK.
But bonus point to the best anecdote, which was Lloyd Langford
with him being pissed on by three dogs in Wollongong.
Alright. So, who's the winner for tonight's episode?
Well, the competition was heated
a bit like water that's heating for pasta.
So, least hot was Anne with 12 points.
Then simmering we've got Josh, Lloyd and Jenny.
But boiling over with 17 points, it's Wil Anderson.
Nice one, Wil.
Now off you pop to collect all that future landfill.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
As he scoots on up, Lesser Tom, how are the season standings looking?
Well, he's won today. He's also winning the whole thing so far.
Wil is ahead with 67 points overall.
(APPLAUSE)
And so ends another Taskmaster.
But what have we learned?
Well, Lloyd has refused to learn how to cook pasta.
Josh has taught us all to oink, oink, bitches.
And we learned that Tom Cashman is a piece of shit turd
who will be cursed to be a joyless troll turd,
Jenny's words, not mine.
But I agree with them.
Now it's time to watch Wil live that 'oink, oink bitches' lifestyle.
Good on him. And good night to you.
Captions by Red Bee Media
(SINGS OPERATIC NOTE)
Alright.
Let's... Let's not watch mine.
I actually did start crying.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
I just did what I was told.
Get really horny.