AGH!
Oh!
(TASKMASTER THEME MUSIC)
Agggh! Whoo!
Blehhhh. We slayed it!
Is this good television?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)
(DING!)
Welcome, one and all, to the third season of Taskmaster Australia.
The deities that run Channel 10 have blessed us
with another opportunity to present a season of triumph and pratfalls
to you, the humble viewer, watching with your family
huddled around the television,
or, more likely, on your phone,
in the toilet at work.
My name is Tom Gleeson and I believe no person should be defined
by their job, unless that job is my job,
and my job is being the Taskmaster.
Over the next ten episodes, five comedians will try to impress me
by completing a series of highly intricate tasks.
These tasks will test various life skills such as intelligence,
hand-eye coordination,
and not being a dipshit.
At the end, one of them will win a prize, which will make them both
the envy of their peers and a target for international art thieves.
It's my big old head painted gold.
(APPLAUSE)
Now let us savour this moment while we still think highly of them,
and give a warm welcome to our season three contestants.
Aaron Chen!
Concetta Caristo!
Mel Buttle!
Peter Helliar!
And Rhys Nicholson!
And finally, attached to my side
like a skin tag that doctors refuse to remove
because they're afraid of what it will smell like,
it's my assistant, Tom Cashman.
Welcome back, Lesser Tom, you smelly bastard.
Thank you. How have you been?
Oh, not too bad. I'm glad to even be here.
I've got a photo of near the elevators
at my hotel this morning.
OK. I was standing there for...
..standing there for hours, waiting for three more people to arrive.
So I could enter the elevator.
So you take, you know, instructions very seriously,
even if they're just on a foolscap page sticky-taped to a wall.
Those are the kinds of thoughts I was having around hour two.
All right, Lesser Tom, how are we kicking things off tonight?
Well, our first task is a prize task.
Each contestant has brought in a prize.
You, the Taskmaster, will rank them 1 to 5, and the person who wins
tonight's episode will walk home with all five prizes.
Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in
what they consider to be the worst thing to wake up and find
at the end of your bed.
OK. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Aaron, what have you brought in?
I've brought in a 37 litre laundry tub
filled to the brim with custard.
It's not convenient.
Like, if you wake up in the morning, that's splashing everywhere,
and it's custard as well.
Quite viscous. Yeah.
And even just due to its weight alone,
you've already short-sheeted your bed.
Yeah. So you've had a bad night's sleep,
and there it is.
I don't know what short-sheeted means...
Oh. ..but I agree.
OK.
Well, Aaron, maybe we can go on a camp together,
and I can short-sheet your bed so you can learn what it means.
Yeah, and I'll short-sheet you as well.
Oh-ho, yeah!
What about you, Concetta? What did you bring in?
I brought in a spooky doll.
Um, but she's got pink-eye as well.
She really wants to get into bed with you to short-sheet you as well.
Do you know what short-sheet is? No!
Is it...bad?
You're not supposed to learn things on this show, so I'll move on.
Uh, OK. So why would you be worried about the pink-eye?
What, are you kidding?
Conjunctivitis is a hidden problem of this country.
All right, so, uh, Mel,
what would you be worried about waking up to at the end of your bed?
A low cost doona.
What are you trying to claim here?
That you're... you're better than that or...?
Yep. OK.
I'm so much better than that.
There's no natural fibres in that.
That is a fire hazard, secondly.
And it just communicates to the person in your bed with you
that that's...that's what you think they're worth.
You just reminded me of my fear,
and that's waking up with someone pretentious at the end of my bed.
All right.
Peter, what have you brought in?
Tom, the worst thing I could wake up to
are two mates recording a podcast at the end of my bed.
Yeah, that's...
I don't...
I'm feeling the fear, Pete.
Um, so you wake up. You see them there.
What's your first thought?
Well, what are you doing at the foot of my bed?
What's this podcast about?
How are they recording it with nothing plugged in?
Yeah.
Why are your mates 22 years old?
Because, Aaron, they consider me the Fonzie of comedy, you see.
All my friends are very young.
You just said you're the Fonzie of comedy,
which is an outdated reference.
All right, Rhys, what did you bring in?
I thought about it long and hard, and I realised what I think
the worst thing at the end of my bed would be -
leprosy.
I feel like now the pink-eye is less of an issue.
Yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Well, I'm just...I'm just thinking that the leprosy,
it's inside the container, not outside the container.
Well, you can open it up. And I'm a pretty violent sleeper.
You leave that at the bottom, you smash it open.
Suddenly - bam! Leprosy.
Fingernails, right off.
Toenails, right off.
Mmm. (AUDIENCE GROANS)
All right, everyone.
I'm sorry. Too soon on leprosy?
I'm going to give one point to Mel, sorry,
because a doona at the end of your bed,
despite the quality, it's still a doona,
so it can warm you up, so it's not that frightening.
(SIGHS)
I'm giving two points to Rhys
because they found a prop at the end of their bed.
Concetta, I'm going to give you three points,
because a doll is quite scary
regardless of what eye condition it has.
Aaron, you get four points because you were very polite.
You didn't have to do that.
No worries, Aaron.
But I'm going to give five points to Peter Helliar
because I'm a white, middle aged man
and I'm frightened of podcasters, too.
All right, my little pretty poppet. A task proper, is it?
Yes...superior poppet.
This next piece of unprovoked seduction will make more sense
in approximately 30 seconds.
Should I run? This feels so slow.
Tom. Hi, Pete.
Hi, Mel. I'm coming, darling.
How you doing, Tom? Hi, Aaron.
I think I have a message. Oh.
In a letterbox for me.
Ooh! Postie's been.
I like getting mail.
Whoa!
Uh-oh!
Oh my gosh.
Mmm. The eyes have it.
How did you know both my parents were optometrists?
"Do the most epic wink."
"Your first wink counts."
"You have 20 minutes."
"Most epic wink wins."
"Your time starts now."
What's epic?
Like, a grand entrance.
Like, an epic, we think of an epic movie.
You know, Ben-Hur.
These days, I think we'd call it Ben-Them,
just to be politically correct.
It's usually...the over the shoulder thing? Is this...
I don't want to wink 'cause I don't want to start.
OK. Yep.
I think winking is brilliant. You know that about me.
But you're not very good at it? No.
Maybe I save your life.
Wow.
I don't know if I would.
No, I would.
People are watching.
People love in a movie when someone is well again.
So I'm going to be in the crutches and I go, "Oh!"
Willy Wonka, when he does the forward roll.
So, faking a disability. Faking...
Maybe 20 soldiers with rifles. 20 soldiers?
Like, quite a lot of soldiers.
Would you agree that maybe, like, three
would also be a large amount of soldiers?
I would say that three is small. OK.
It would be epic if I got Paul Rudd to wink at you.
Yeah. Do you have his number?
No. Ah.
Call my mother!
I'm going to go inside. How many minutes?
Nine minutes and 10 seconds. Ughhh!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So whose - quote, unquote - epic wink are we going to see first?
He's cute, he's cheeky, he smells like custard,
and we all know why. It's Aaron Chen!
(WAR DRUMMING, SOLDIERS MARCHING)
All hail the most objectively epic winker.
(BUGLES INEPTLY)
G'day, guys.
Things are about to look pretty epic.
(TING!)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
OK, so task one of episode one and you've blown up the house.
Start big, you know?
Aaron kept insisting that we have 20 extras, and I kept insisting
that we don't have 20 extras.
So we shot that four different times
and then spliced five people to turn them into 20.
All right. Which winkers are we seeing next, Cashboy?
The...
These two should be naturals.
They both sleep with one eye open
ever since those allegations.
It's Mel Buttle and Concetta Caristo.
Hi, Mum.
(LAUGHS) How you going?
Mum, I'm on Taskmaster right now.
Here's Tom, by the way.
Hello, Marlena.
Hi! How are you?
MEL: How many minutes are left, Tom?
Uh, one minute and 16 seconds. Perfect.
So I need your help for this. Most epic wink wins. What...
What about the wink one eye after the other?
Why don't we, through the FaceTime, wink at Tom at the same time?
That's probably epic.
Like, that's probably more than he's getting in, like, ages.
One epic wink.
Artisanal. Locally made.
What could be more epic than something made right here
in your own backyard by me, an artist?
(DUCKS QUACK)
I think a mum plus a daughter. Powerful.
You wanted one wink?
Just kidding. I'm gonna give you 100.
We're going to do it at the same time.
Three.
Two.
One.
Go!
(TING!)
Can you see my wink, Tom?
(TING!) Wink.
Oh, that's epic. You see that?
So it's a genuine wink.
That one's not moving. OK.
Tom, we need a response.
Yep, I can see 'em.
This is called the mother-daughter tag team.
You're welcome. Thank you.
Say bye to Tom, Mum.
Bye, Tom! See you, Marlena.
I'm going to leave that here, if a museum wants it.
Oh, right. OK. Whate... Whatever.
You just got double-teamed!
Whoo!
Hey. Thanks, Tom.
Hey, thanks, Mel.
(APPLAUSE)
So, "the mother-daughter tag team". Do you regret using that?
No, I stand by it.
I think that's what made it epic, you know?
Like, you could look that up on a porn site.
But Tom didn't have to.
I didn't have to, but...
So... Mel? Yep.
Just to be clear, who winks by starting with both eyes closed?
Because I feel like with your craft, they were both closed
and then one eye opened.
That... That seems like a peek, not a wink.
I think you can start with both eyes closed if you want.
I mean, isn't every task open to interpretation?
No.
No?
Well, it's open to interpretation by us.
Thank you. Oh, by you. By us, not by you.
If you know what I mean.
All right.
After seeing those, I kind of wish Aaron had blown up the house.
All right, it's time for the first hotly anticipated ad break
of our season.
Then more comedians closing one of their eyes epically after this.
Welcome back to Taskmaster, everyone,
where we are finding out which Australian comedians
can't make basic facial expressions.
Lesser Tom, bring us up to speed.
Our contestants had 20 minutes to do the most epic wink.
So far, Aaron has used 20 extras to imitate an authoritarian dictator,
and Concetta FaceTimed her mum.
Who's up next?
The eye is the window to the soul.
Does this next guy have one? It's Peter Helliar.
What's epic to you?
You know what I would love?
What I've never seen before in the history of cinema...
Mm. ..and I'm not sure if we can do this,
I'm not sure if we have access, but like a drone wink shot.
Imagine if the drone comes around the trees
and then comes up here and then I'll give the wink.
OK. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
What?
I don't get to do my drone shot?
Sorry. First wink counts.
I mean, it was almost Shakespearean, wasn't it?
Because my hand was, like, there. Mm.
And to me, it was a nod to the great Bard.
Epic. Epic.
Thanks, Pete. Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
Wow.
The joke's on you. You'll never see it.
So what went wrong?
I was so in the moment, mate.
Like, I could see the shot, and I was describing it,
and I was in...I was in that zone, and I could feel it,
and I gave it that one.
And I still think it was actually pretty epic, to be honest.
Nobody else winked with a hand in front of their face, so...
It was pretty amazing how you pivoted so rapidly to Shakespeare.
Shakespeare.
Is this a...dagger I see before me?
All right, Lesser Tom, who's lucky last tonight?
In a plot twist only to viewers just tuning in,
it's the contestant whose wink we haven't seen yet.
Rhys Nicholson.
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
Oh... Oh...
Hey!
(UPLIFTING MUSIC)
Check, mate.
Uh!
Who-hoo! Whoa!
Whoa! This is epic!
I'm water skiing, and I'm going super fast!
Whoa!
(TING!)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
For your Logie consideration.
So let me get this right, Rhys.
If you're non-binary,
are you allowed to make fun of disabled people?
I'm just asking, does one cancel the other out?
If you're a straight white man,
are you allowed to even bring up the fact that I'm non-binary?
Yes, you are.
Um, no, I was... I was empowering peop...
And I wouldn't even say I was disabled in that.
I was just someone who bought those two...found...
You were the ones that had them in your shed, you weirdo.
Well, it's tricky, because I think that Aaron and Rhys
both got a huge reaction.
Working from the top down, I'm going to give Aaron five,
I'm going to give Rhys four.
And then, even though Peter Helliar's was very short
and he kind of tripped the trigger,
it was still better than Mel's and Concetta's shit attempts.
So...
So you're on three. Two points to Concetta for the bla-wink,
and I'm going to give one point to Mel for the reverse wink.
(APPLAUSE)
OK, Lesser Tom, what does that mean for our scores?
Well, in last place, we have Mel with two points.
But the winner at the moment is Aaron Chen with nine points!
Give me another task, please.
No need to look at your watch.
I'm about to tell you what time it is.
Hello. Hey, Tom.
Do you know what time it is? Task time!
No, it's frisbee time.
Ohhhhh!
It's not a good throw.
It's frisbee time.
Frisbee time.
(APPLAUSE) Nice catch.
Thank you.
See? We can get on.
Fun.
"Throw a frisbee into the caravan from the furthest distance."
"Your first successful throw counts."
"Furthest distance wins."
"Also, you must celebrate every miss."
It's Opposite Day. Opposite Day.
I love you.
"And commiserate your successful throw."
"Least convincing celebrating and commiserating
"will have their successful distance halved.
"You have 15 minutes."
"Your time starts now."
(APPLAUSE)
There's a lot of layers to this one. So it's your first successful attempt
and you have to have reverse emotions.
That's right. OK.
These idiots are going to struggle, aren't they?
We'll see.
All right. Who's up first?
Will they throw in the caravan or the towel?
It's Concetta, Aaron and Pete.
You throw a frisbee. There's no way around that.
All right, we'll give throwing a go.
I'm not sure if the cameras are picking it up, it's pretty windy.
Not really. You're protected by the trees.
It's windy over there? Yeah. Very windy.
Wow. OK.
Let's just raw dog it.
(LAUGHS)
YEEEEEAHHH!
Yeah!
Oh, so it's harder than I thought, isn't it?
Yeah!
All right, I can make that.
So I'm gonna go a bit further.
Yessssss!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yessss-ah!
Yeah!
Yes!
That looks vaguely unhinged.
I don't have a lot more screams left.
Ohhhhh!
Yeeeeeeah!
Yoo-hoo-hoo.
That felt good.
You have some tape?
Tape? Yeah.
As usual, this is coming off. TOM: OK.
You should wear it. Do you want to put it on?
Yeahhhhhh!
OK. OK. You're gonna get it in now?
OK. Go as far as you can.
Hold that string taut. Taut?
Get this disc into the car.
It's a caravan.
I gotta do the throw.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OK, I'm gonna go like this.
Oh, no!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
No. What's that mean? You completed the task.
No! Nooo!
(SCREAMS) Are you joking?
Where did it say that?
17. 16.
Yes! Yes!
No! "Your first successful throw counts."
It's the second line.
Take that off.
15.
Yeah! Oh!
You don't deserve it. You're not juicy.
Thanks, man.
That's your fault.
See ya, Pete. Bit windy.
Oh, the wind. Yeah.
The wind's blowing my jacket.
Do you think anyone will do worse than you?
You are a meanie.
Thanks, Concetta.
Bye, Tom!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It was very localised wind on the day you were out there, Pete.
It was like, you know those cartoon clouds where it's just over...
It must have been like that. The wind version of that. Yeah.
Now, Concetta, when you said, "This is harder than I thought,"
was that a celebration?
Yes, it was, Tom.
It's an old Italian saying.
My Nonna would say it every time she won the lottery.
Wait, wait, wait!
How many times has she won the lottery?
So at the very end, though, that reaction seemed quite genuine.
It was real.
I can't tell, though, if it was good acting or you were angry
because you realised how close you were when you got it in.
It was the second one.
Oh, so you weren't acting.
You were genuinely annoyed.
Yes. Is that bad?
I'd like some time with my client.
(WHISPERS) Just shut up.
Now, Aaron, you also had an interesting technique.
You were throwing it like that,
which either means you know exactly what you were doing
or you've got no idea.
In ultimate frisbee, that is called a hammer throw.
ALL: Ooh.
It's good to know. When you finally got it in, you almost celebrated.
Yeah, almost.
Do we have to count that original celebration, or do we accept the flip
to the commiseration?
I think you should be judging the overall commiseration
and celebration of each of the contestants,
and that should be taken into account.
You're going to get in big trouble, mate.
So, Concetta was three metres away from the caravan.
Aaron was 8.4m away.
And Pete was 12.65m.
And in great news, Channel 10 have said
we no longer have to play advertisements.
Happy Opposite Day!
More confused comedians after this!
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Where were we, Lesser Tom?
We were throwing frisbees into a caravan,
and we're not happy about it,
unless we miss, in which case we are.
OK, that makes perfect sense. Who's next?
She's great at acting the opposite of how she's feeling
ever since those allegations - it's Mel Buttle.
So if you...if you threw it, right? Mm.
And you got it, in you go, "Ohhh!"
All the information you need is in the task.
Yeah. All the information... Whatever From the furthest distance.
OK. It's harder than it looks.
What happens when I run out of flying discs?
You may reuse.
Oh! Bloody hell!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Thank you, Mel.
I apologise, Concetta. It turns out saying "it's harder than it looks"
is a very common celebration.
Mel knew my Nonna for many years. Many years.
So, as far as I can tell, you stood pretty close to the caravan
and then just didn't show any emotion.
Did you understand the task? Whoa!
I'm from Queensland.
I said "bloody hell" in a slightly grumpy manner.
That's as good as it's going to get.
Mel was standing 5.47m away from the caravan...
Phew. That's huge.
..which puts her currently in third place.
OK.
One left by my count, Lesser Tom. Who is it?
They eat frisbees for breakfast,
even though everyone keeps telling them to stop.
It's Rhys Nicholson.
My first thought is, I don't want to be on this show anymore.
Right. My second thought is,
I'd like a lot of rope. OK.
Oh. Thank you.
Jesus Christ, what are you doing in this house
that you need this much rope?
Weird.
Do you know much about knots? No.
Never was involved in the Scouts. OK.
Just a reason to hang out with men in their 40s.
That doesn't interest you?
Oh, a little bit more these days.
I'm fine, thank you.
OK.
Wait.
So we're gonna try it out.
OK.
So here I'm just throwing my frisbee.
OK.
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Did it go in?
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
(SOBS)
Why are you upset?
It went in.
Thanks, Rhys.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So, Aaron, how do you feel Rhys's rope mechanism compared
to your rope mechanism?
I...I can't...
Don't you reckon, like, there's, like, notes of cheating, kinda?
Do you know what's weird about that? Tom can back this up.
At no point did I pick up a frisbee and try and throw it in.
Most of my time was spent going, "How can I do this
"without any physical fitness involved whatsoever?"
Because I just know I'm not coordinated.
OK, so the method was born out of desperation.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yep.
Mel, how do you feel about your commitment to acting
now that you've seen Rhys's performance?
Rhys's performance was a little bit not realistic.
You were saying you had a realistic performance
which would be at home in Queensland.
Where would Rhys's performance land in Queensland?
Oh, I think it's still quite illegal what Rhys does in Queensland. Um...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
So, ah, should we look at the scores?
Well, so Pete is the current leader, with 12.65m.
When Rhys threw the frisbee, they were 34.8m away from the caravan.
However, you need to decide who was the worst celebrator/commiserator
because we will be halving their distance.
OK. It was Mel.
So that means Mel gets one point, Concetta two,
Aaron three, Pete four,
and Rhys wins the task with five points!
So what happens now, Tom?
With a turn in the equinox,
a new-found task is upon your constellation.
(BELLS JANGLE)
Hello, Tom. How are you doing?
Hi, Aaron.
This is very pretty. Oh, thank you.
Are you a mystical man?
Very mystical.
This reminds me of everyone's house that I used to go to in my 20s.
All right.
It's the other Tom.
"Make your horoscope for today come true."
"Most realised horoscope wins."
"You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now."
TOM: When I was about nine... Here we go.
..I asked my dad what horoscope I was.
Mm-hm.
And he said, "I'm pretty sure you're either a bull or a lion."
And then he looked it up and he went, "Oh, no, you're a virgin."
Are you going to be telling us stories from your life
in every episode?
Not if you don't like it.
Before we continue, we gave each contestant their horoscope
for that day based on their star sign.
OK. Whose horoscope realisation attempt shall we start with?
Both are Geminis, but only one is about to attempt this task.
It's Marilyn Monroe and Peter Helliar.
"Tomorrow is a day to focus on your communication skills,
"and don't be afraid to speak your mind.
"This is also a good time to connect with friends and loved ones."
Does any of that resonate with you?
There are times where maybe I wouldn't completely speak my mind
to spare other people's feelings.
Do you have an example?
I don't like your haircut. Oh.
It's a good time to connect with friends.
I haven't spoken with Dave Hughes for a while.
(DIAL TONE)
What are you up to?
Yeah.
Well, it's about time.
Well, I'm just...I'm just calling to...
..I wanted to really tell you how much you mean to me,
and you've always meant a lot to me.
No, I'm not on a podcast, mate.
I don't have a gun to my head, mate.
Mate, it's not about content.
A sincere moment between two mates.
I just want you to accept it.
Yeah.
Love you, Hughesy.
Good on you, mate. OK. Goodbye.
Oh. Come on. OK. No. That's... OK.
(APPLAUSE)
I think we've learnt a lot about your relationship.
Do you feel bad that he could see through your faux sincerity
so quickly to decide that it's probably content?
Yeah, that was disappointing.
I thought he may have read the room
and realised not to go down that path, you know.
But he's not... For the amount of showbiz that Hughesy has done,
he's still not that good at it.
Help me out, Hughesy.
Yeah. I'm obviously doing something.
I'm not going to ring you to tell you I love you.
So just roll with me for a little bit.
But I think the task was successful.
The communication was clear.
It's also going to be very important into the ATO's investigation
into Dave Hughes's affairs.
So I'm glad we got that on tape.
The phone call went for seven minutes and 57 seconds,
42% of which was Hughesy complaining about paying tax.
Your future looks bright, but you must be patient with others
and willing to accept unashamed consumerism
in the form of these advertisements.
Further revelations of comedians' birthdays taken from Wikipedia,
still to come.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five Australian comedians are competing for
a vial of what Rhys Nicholson claims to be the biblical disease leprosy.
Lesser Tom, give us a recap.
Our contestants have got 30 minutes to make their horoscope come true.
I read my horoscope this morning and it said
I need to be more assertive.
But don't worry, I'm going to ignore it.
And whose mystical nonsense do we get to see come true next?
They are both Leos,
but only one has been counting their lucky stars recently
since she beat those allegations.
It's Aaron and Concetta.
"Today is a day for you to embrace your natural leadership qualities."
"Your natural charisma and confidence will help you succeed
"in any endeavours you pursue."
"Use this opportunity to inspire and motivate those around you,
"but be mindful of not coming across as too domineering."
"Take charge and lead the way."
Tom...
Rise.
What are some of your fears?
My fears? Yeah.
My instinct says to make a toasted sandwich.
You told me your fears are heights, confined spaces,
loneliness and death.
I want you to know you can get through all of them
and not be scared anymore.
So, I want you to find me bread.
I could be more easily convinced if you said it with some charisma.
Can you get some BREAD? OK.
I'm gonna hand you some ways you could die.
Here's the first one.
"You can die in your sleep.
"If someone punches you near the heart, it could stop.
"You could die on the toilet like Elvis did."
How do you be, um, charismatic?
"Smile more. Look people in their beautiful eyes.
"Keep your hands in view and use them to help you speak."
"Blue-ringed octopus could sting you at the beach."
Do you like the beach, Tom?
I love the beach.
So that's a bit of a bummer.
I like a saucy bastard.
You call your toasties bastards?
They are the way I make them.
I mean, that's a bit of a bastard.
I reckon that's pretty good.
It's a good sandwich, then we've achieved our goals.
Do you think I should do some more stuff?
It's up to you.
Watch this. No hands. (PAN SIZZLES)
Ohhh!
Wow.
Tom, I think that you can face any challenge that comes your way.
OK. And trapping me in a box up high
and reminding me of diseases isn't domineering?
No. Oh, that's perfect.
Cheers.
Do you like that? Mm.
I'm gonna put my hand in. OK.
And you're welcome to hold my hand. Oh, thank you.
Does that make you feel less alone?
Yeah.
Have that bastard later.
(APPLAUSE)
So, Concetta, your version of inspiration
had a striking resemblance to torture.
Can you talk us through it?
I didn't love it.
I hated to see him in there scared.
That's why I put my hand in. Right.
And we held hands.
So it was like exposure therapy? Yeah, yeah!
You made him live through those terrible times,
and then you inspired him after also being his tormentor.
Yeah, yeah. It came from a good place because I'm a Leo.
OK.
So, Aaron, your version of taking charge was making a toasted sandwich
for Lesser Tom.
Well, the way you summed it up just then was not flattering,
but...but I think the process of it,
I was being quite... showing leadership qualities,
I was putting on some of my best charisma.
Would you like to use some charisma on...on the Taskmaster now?
Good on ya, mate.
Wow. It's radiating out of you so naturally.
OK, let's see another horoscope come true, shall we?
It's the bull my dad wished I was.
Here's Taurus, Rhys Nicholson!
This is my horoscope.
"You may find yourself feeling more introspective than usual.
"Remember to take care of yourself and prioritise self-care."
How do you take care of yourself?
Well, at the moment I'm not really taking care of myself.
You know, I'm very tired at the moment.
Oh.
I'm quite stressed about being on Taskmaster.
Mm.
I'm stressed about what the Taskmaster thinks of me.
Can I bring up another relevant factor?
Yeah. That it's currently your birthday.
Yeah. You're not wrong.
And I'm here on my birthday.
It says right here,
"Trust your instincts
"and don't be afraid to make changes that will bring you closer
"to desired outcomes."
I would like to go home.
Oh, OK.
You're off? (BITES INTO APPLE)
I'm gonna go.
Bye. See ya, Rhys.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So, hang on. You just left in the middle of a task.
I just left! You were happy to let
the whole production grind to a halt
just 'cause you were feeling a little bit selfish during that task.
I gotta say, when I was taking my mic off, I said to the sound guy,
"Is this all right?" And he went, "Mate, no complaints."
Hang on, I feel like I need more detail here.
I just don't quite buy that Rhys left right in the middle of production.
Rhys left 45 minutes before the end of the day,
which meant Rhys worked 45 minutes less than the others,
which means, currently, Rhys is being paid $3 more per hour
than the rest of you.
Which, I got to say, that's self-care if ever I've seen it.
All right, up next, we've got an ad break.
Time to check if your horoscope is compatible with your partner's.
And when it's not, sit there in silence and think about
why it's probably time you did something about it.
See ya!
Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia,
the show where our country's best comedians risk it all
for the chance at a compliment from me,
an unfortunately necessary father figure in all their lives.
Where are we up to, Lesser Tom?
Our contestants are making their horoscopes come true.
One more is there.
Her birthday is January 25th,
which means she's an Aquarius.
And there's a good chance she was conceived on Anzac Day.
It's Mel Buttle.
(LAUGHTER)
"Today is a day to focus on your career
"and professional goals.
"However, be mindful of communication with colleagues and superiors
"as misunderstandings may arise."
Well, correct.
When is the time where you feel like you've been misunderstood?
When I released my hip-hop album in Year Nine,
Miss Understood - literally - by MC Melicious.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, I do raps. I could do a rap and we could have a fight about it.
I've already got the rap ready to go.
(HIP-HOP BEAT)
Yo, what's up?
MC Melicious on the track.
Here we go, I'm 'bout to drop it.
# I'm a rapper, I'm an actor I'm a rhyme chiropractor
# I'll snap you down rhymes and I chuck 'em back at you
# 'Cause I rhyme supreme
# Yes, I'm a rhyme machine
# Let me take you through this rhyme routine
# Ever seen a boy see this? They want to hit this.
# Hieroglyphics Your friends are misfits
# What, every morning I eat my Weet-Bix
# Welcome to the Rhyme Olympics
# Yeah, you could try hard, but you just won't beat this
(RECORD SCRATCHES) Um, sorry.
I just had to interrupt and stop the music.
I just heard you say that you were a rhyme machine.
Yes, I did. Y...you're not...
You're not a machine. You're a human.
So me, I'm in character at the moment.
I'm MC Melicious. I'm not Mel. Oh.
So MC Melicious, who doesn't exist, could therefore be part machine.
All right. I see, it sounds like it was a misunderstanding.
Yes. Sorry... All right. I'll leave it to it.
Yeah. Big miscommunication.
Sorry, Tom.
All good. (HIP-HOP BEAT)
All right, freestyle. This one, just straight...straight flowing.
'Cause you know what?
Like a BMW, I'm always lovin' you 'cause of your interiors.
They're smooth, like this groove.
I'm out, bitch!
(APPLAUSE)
All right, Mel, how excited were you that you got to bust out that rap?
I cannot wait for the career opportunities
that are going to be in my inbox following this.
Wow, that was quite a special moment.
I feel like you've done it before.
Where did you used to perform that rap?
Year Nine maths. Back row. Yeah.
Well, you haven't been scoring very well in this episode.
Do you think you were misunderstood?
Yeah, I think there's a few things that have gone wrong in this episode
in my favour, and I've not chosen to bring them up.
And I thought, wait, wait. See if they use your rap.
And then you'll probably get 39 points for that.
Problem solved.
All right, so I believe I have to score.
I have to put Rhys at one at the bottom because they left early
and kind of gave up.
Aaron I'm putting on two because you asserted yourself
by making a bastard.
And I'm going to give Pete three for referring Dave Hughes to the ATO.
Concetta I'm giving four points to because she did a really good job.
Sorry. Did I say that out loud?
But finally, due to the rapping talents of MC Mel Buttle,
I gotta give Mel five points!
(APPLAUSE) Yay!
So how does that shake up the overall scores?
CASHMAN: It's tight at the top, but with a one point lead,
it's Peter Helliar!
(APPLAUSE)
All right, let's head upstairs for our very first live task
of the season!
So, Lesser Tom, are we about to learn what short-sheeting is?
Aaron, can you please read the task?
"Entirely change your bed without leaving the bed.
"Then lie in it.
"If you or your linen touches the floor during the making
"of your bed, you must stop making it, kneel upright
"and sing an original ten-second lullaby to the Taskmaster.
"Fastest wins. Your time starts on Tom's whistle."
All right. Please enter the beds.
Are we ready?
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
These pillows are shit!
This is hard, right? It's so hard.
RHYS: I know I am.
Oh, my God, we have to change the doona!?
You're a psycho.
Stop! Mel!
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Lullaby time. Oh!
# Rock-a-bye, ginger
# You are so tall
# In your bed
# You will sleep till you will fall
# Have a nice dream of money and bitches... #
You may start again.
You can start again. (APPLAUSE)
Oh!
(CHEERING)
You're very distracting.
AARON: Oh my gosh!
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Lullaby time.
# Oh my gosh It's time to sleep
# And guess what? Please don't weep and go crazy
# It's bedtime, brother. #
TOM GLEESON: Oh!
(APPLAUSE)
That's a made bed.
This has become so weird now for me.
Come on, everyone.
Oh!
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Mel, it's lullaby time.
# Have a beautiful ratings season
# I know that your real name is Thomas Gleeson... #
You may resume.
Can I call my wife?
Can I call his wife?
MEL: I've lost the pillowcase.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Concetta has a made bed.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
What's happening? Aaron touched!
# Don't you cry 'cause it's time for goodnight
# And everybody knows that it's Wednesday. #
(BLOWS WHISTLE) That is a made bed.
It's Pete's a made bed? Yeah.
It's like a sleeping bag. It's perfect.
It's how I sleep.
I think we have Mel in fourth and Peter Helliar in fifth place.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
TOM GLEESON: Who has won the task?
We'll have to review what they did frame by frame
as a sneaky ruse to play more ads.
We'll be back soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
If you're just joining us, your timing couldn't have been worse
because we're about to finish.
Before we crown our episode one winner,
we're going to need some scores for that bed-making, Lesser Tom.
Pete was in fifth place with one point.
Then we had Mel with two points, Aaron with three,
Concetta had four points,
and the winner of the first live task was Rhys with five points!
Now, much more importantly, who won the episode?
In joint first place,
we have Aaron and Rhys, which necessitates a tie break.
What we are about to see is Rhys and Aaron both had 30 seconds
to get 100 hundreds and thousands into a glass.
Let's see how they went.
Your time starts now.
RHYS: Put them in there, right?
How much time do I have left? 24 seconds.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Ten. 20.
I reckon it's not as much as you reckon it is.
70.
Take out a bit.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Mate.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So... So you needed to get closest to 100.
Aaron had 185.
Rhys had 1,112.
Congratulations, Aaron.
You are now the proud owner of a hideous plague on humanity.
But as well as the podcasters, you get leprosy too!
Get up on that stage and claim your goods.
So what did we learn tonight?
We learned what short-sheeting is, and is not.
We learned Channel 10 have finally allowed us to air mass winking
on national television.
And we learned if you dare to listen to the stars
that surround the earth, they're telling us something special:
Some white people are slightly better at rapping than you'd think.
But most importantly, we learned Aaron is the winner of episode one!
See you all next week. Goodnight!
(TASKMASTER THEME MUSIC)
G'day, Tom. Try to relax.
Oh, thanks.
Whoo!
Here we go.
Nice whistle, bitch.
Five of Australia's only comedians will be at my mercy
as they attempt to win the official Taskmaster trophy.
I'm having a full blown mental breakdown, Tom.
What?
I've never seen a group take so long to do a task
that they had a coffee break in the middle.
(BLEEP) you!
You're stupid.
Shut the (BLEEP) up! No.
Oh!
(SCREAMING)
I don't know what's happening.
This is (BLEEP!)
You got a good crowd reaction, but don't get confused.
(LAUGHTER)