That's a shocking start.
Stop!
(SCREAMS)
Whoo!
(TASKMASTER THEME MUSIC)
Yep. That's it.
Where's Tom!? (VOICE ECHOES)
(STRAINS)
(ALL SCREAM)
No!
I hate you.
Let me out of here!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
(DING!)
Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.
It's the wordy bit at the beginning of the show where I can say
whatever the hell I want, because most of you still haven't unmuted it
from the ads yet.
And that's why I'd like to say that I endorse the consumption
of breast milk well into teenagehood, maybe even adulthood.
Let's start the show.
Jockeying for my golden head trophy,
which previous winners have described as
"a burden on baggage allowance",
it's Dave Hughes!
(APPLAUSE)
Emma Holland.
Lisa McCune.
Takashi Wakasugi.
And Tommy Little.
Hello!
And next to me, it's the guy who told me he thinks that him
and Duke Nukem would be boys.
It's Tom Cashman.
(APPLAUSE)
Let's have a prize task, please.
That's right. Our first task is a prize task.
Each of our contestants have brought in a prize, and the winner
of tonight's episode will take home all five of those prizes.
Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in
what they consider to be the most frustrating thing to be left
on a desert island with.
All right, Emma, what have you got?
Uh, a train replacement bus.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
So, train replacement bus. You're on a desert island and there's that.
Yeah. Imagine you're, like, hungry, like, starving, thirsty, angry.
Like, what is going to make that situation
even more frustrating is...
OK. So it could have also just been a bus.
No, but it's replacing the train.
Oh, OK.
But there is no train, because you're on a desert island.
Exactly. That's why the bus is there.
(APPLAUSE)
All right. Tommy.
It's my gym membership.
Because I think if all I had was that, I'd not only be trapped
on a desert island, but every week I'd go, "Well, that's another ¤21."
So you're just upset at the inefficiency
and how it's affecting your budget.
But also, I can't do literally anything with it.
Like, I've got a fob... Yeah.
..that gives me access to over 100 locations around Australia,
and I'm nowhere near any of it.
OK, it is pretty frustrating,
because you could use a replacement bus as shelter.
Or you could also use it as a bus.
I don't even know why we have to use the bus
as other things at this point.
Have you tried to get shelter under a fob?
No, but Tommy.
Tommy, you could shove that up your arse quite easily.
You could.
How dare you think I haven't already?
Uh, Waka, what about you?
I brought the toilet.
Not toilet. The aeroplane toilet.
So you crash in a desert island, aeroplane, and you find a toilet.
And it is good. You know, you can use the toilet,
but...aeroplane toilet. Yep.
You have to listen, the noise.
Oh.
(TOILET FLUSHES LOUDLY)
That's frustration.
Do you think?
To be honest, the noise hasn't really bothered me.
You particularly don't like the noise?
Too strong, do you think?
But that sound is only 'cause of the vacuum effect
from being at high altitude.
If it's just on a desert island, it will make no noise at all.
It'll just go like this. 'Ba-bup'.
So you don't have to worry.
That's another frustration, because maybe I might miss the noise.
All right. OK, Dave. Yes.
My object of frustration is a video camera, which I purchased
about 15 years ago, and I never worked out how to use it,
so I thought I'd bring it in and... Yeah, so that's why it's here.
So... (LAUGHS)
But you haven't worked out how to use it.
And I reckon the reason why
is because you haven't had enough spare time,
because you're so busy with your job. Yeah.
You're on a desert island. You've got all the time in the world.
I reckon you'd have plenty of time to work it out.
I know. Which would not be frustrating.
It'd be satisfying.
Yeah, but I wouldn't have electricity.
So, uh...
It's got a battery.
Yeah, but I would have forgotten to charge it before I came
to the island.
So, Lisa, what...
What would you be frustrated at being left on a desert island with?
A book with very, very small print.
I now need glasses to read books.
And I figured without my glasses, I'd have a book, I'd have time,
and I wouldn't be able to read it. That's very frustrating.
Really frustrating.
See, what I'm seeing is 150 pages of kindling.
Yeah. Yeah. Or toilet paper.
Lisa, I don't wanna ask too personal a question,
but wouldn't you just go in the water?
What? Oh, no. All the time?
You know, like, if you're fishing there
and you see your floater go p...
I mean, there's so many issues with that.
Yeah, but also, if someone rocks up and they find
Treasure Island pages covered in shit,
that's not a great look either.
But you're not going to leave it lying around.
You'd bury it. Where would you put it?
It's where the treasure comes in.
All right, well, I'd better hand out some scores.
Uh, well, I think one has to go to Emma straight away
because you've got a whole replacement bus on the island.
You can drive it, as Tommy pointed out,
or you could sort of sleep in it.
Then I'm going to say two points to Waka for the toilet,
because again, it can still be useful,
and he's not going to be annoyed by that 'khh!' noise.
Then I'll go three points to Lisa, because it's very frustrating
not to be able to read the book, but still,
the pages can have other uses.
A flat video camera is very useless. Four points to Hughesy.
But a plastic tag that can't be used for anything at all.
Extremely frustrating.
So five points to Tommy Little.
OK, cobber, frustrate me with a recorded task, please.
This next task I didn't like at the start, but then I did like it.
But then I didn't like it again at the end.
(HEART BEATING)
(HEART THUDS)
So scared always.
Hi, Tom. Hi, Emma.
Oh, it's so nice in here.
What's this? It's a ball. Yellow ball.
OK. Can I open the task?
Yes, please. All right.
"Stress out Tom.
"You have seven minutes.
"Your time starts now."
(LAUGHS)
EMMA: Is this stressful?
Kind of.
Argh!
No.
I think you're too heavy.
I think we're going to have to start waxing your ears.
This is what we need.
Oh, you've got a pocket knife.
Now, the lake is in front of you, so you just go slow.
Yep. That's it.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Together.
You're not stressed.
I'm not sure exactly how I feel.
How long do I have?
Three minutes and ten minutes remaining.
All right, go for a run. Go for a run.
Thomas!
(TOM GASPS)
Ohhh!
Oh, sh...
I have one more plan.
OK.
(GURGLES)
I'm holding, Tom.
Do you trust me?
Um, kind of.
On the count of five. One, two...
Ooh!
It's quite substantial.
LISA: You ready?
No. What? OK.
And...
Oh, my goodness. So that was the idea.
This is like GTA IV. OK, ready?
I'm stressed now. You're stressed.
And also I run out my ideas.
OK, so we just keep doing. OK.
36 seconds. I'm gonna key your car.
It's not my car. It's a hire car.
I'm gonna key the hire car.
Oh, no.
(LAUGHS) God!
Are you OK? I'm OK.
I went from tickling to waterboarding.
Are you feeling at all stressed? Kind of confused.
OK. Drive again.
Hello?
Time's up. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Oh, God.
Oh, don't do that.
"Relax Tom."
"Tom's heart rate is being measured.
"Biggest difference between stressed and relaxed Tom wins.
"You have seven minutes.
"Your time starts now."
(APPLAUSE)
OK, so, Tommy, I thought the job was to stress him out,
not to arouse him.
I think tickling is the most stressful.
Because you can't hit the person,
because it's seen as a joyous activity.
Yeah. And so you've gotta...
..you're laughing, but you're actually choking to get air in.
And when I then moved to waterboarding, I noticed, Cashman,
you were actually a lot more comfortable because you knew
where my hands were, and they were out of...
..they were out of tickling distance.
When I started getting waterboarded, my heart rate was 69 bpm
and by the end, 61.
Tommy's tickling got me to 104 bpm.
Oh!
All right, so, Lisa, you were thinking it was gonna stress him out
if he had to drive without being able to see where he could go.
Yeah. Originally I wanted to be on the roof, but I wasn't allowed
on the roof, because I thought that would add danger,
and that was a little bit too much for my safety.
My peak heart rate during Lisa's was when you were arguing
with the director.
Are you serious?
Lisa was adamant that she get on the roof, and the director
and a producer were trying to say no.
Yeah. And during that kind of tension
of not knowing, my heart rate got to 100 bpm.
Emma, you just...it was like you were trying to incite fight or flight.
You just chased him. Yeah.
It was...it was such a natural instinct on my part.
You gave me an opportunity to chase him with a baseball bat,
and I took it.
Well, what did it do to your bpm?
Emma got me to 140 bpm.
Genius.
So Dave got me to 85 bpm.
Lisa got me to 100.
Tommy got me to 104.
Waka got me to 105. And Emma got me to 140 bpm.
OK, time for a quick ad break here.
We're not going to do much other than tickle Lesser Tom.
No, no, no!
(APPLAUSE)
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's our halfway point of the season.
That's right. And our contestants have just been trying
to stress me out.
Little did they know, my heartbeat was being measured,
and now they have to try to relax me.
Biggest drop in my heart rate wins.
Let's see how much they can lower it.
Our contestants face the ultimate challenge -
trying to get me to relax.
I think we need to get you lying down.
OK. Wanna jump up and take a seat here?
OK.
Please, lay down. Oh. Thank you.
You just relax in the sunshine.
We've worked some stuff out with your hair and that's...
You know what? The thing about that, it's fixable, Tom.
Mm. But what I'm saying,
I really want to get that nose hair now.
You walk in to the rental car office, calm, knowing that the car is fine.
No. It's OK. I'm not gonna tickle.
I promise I'm not. Just loose...
Sorry about that.
About what?
Make you stress.
Oh. Now you're free.
I know that this might increase your heart rate,
and that's poor by me, but I'm going to do it.
I can feel it.
A woman speaks to you at the front desk.
She hands you over a fully working iPad to rate your experience.
There's no apps on there except the one you need.
No apps? Do you want apps on there?
Yeah. There's Temple Run on the iPad.
I'll be someone else. Hang on. OK.
Hang on, hang on.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Hello. (LAUGHS) Oh, who's that?
Um... Lady Fingers.
Is it your first time here, big boy? Yes, it is.
Raindrops. Beautiful.
You've got lovely skin, Tom.
Oh, thank you. It's very nice.
Very relax, isn't it?
Uh... Ooh!
It's a bit ticklish.
You're so sensitive. (LAUGHS)
On the count of five.
Mm!
That's not good for the heart, is it?
(BREATHY VOICE) You said your heart was racing
because you'd just been waterboarded and tickled.
So let's just forcibly slow that down.
Are you feeling a little bit relaxed?
Like... I think I'm a bit uncomfortable.
Oh, no. That's no good. No.
I can see your heartbeat.
Do you think? It's hard to see you.
The sun's kind of directly in my eyes.
That's stress again. Sorry about that.
That's actually quite helpful. Oh.
All right. Don't move, don't move. OK.
You look so stressed again.(LAUGHS)
We need to work on your personal grooming.
It's too late for me.
Yep. My horse has bolted.
(UNSETTLING ENGLISH ACCENT) And you know, I give happy endings,
and there's nothing more happy than...
..a little tickle!
A little tickle! A little tickly! A little tickly!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Is that it? Mm-hm.
Have a nice nap? It's quite an...
..uncomfortable position actually.
Well, you could have told me that.
I felt like a lot of you started well,
and then you sabotaged yourselves a little bit.
Like, Waka, you were getting Lesser Tom to be very relaxed.
Yep. But then you started to massage him
and it kind of made it worse. Massage is good. Relax.
But he just...
You called me sensitive. I think the correct word is 'traumatised'.
So, Hughesy, you used that well-known relaxing technique of holding pliers
very close to someone's face.
Yeah, I lost focus on the task at hand and was more focussed
on making you a better person.
So. And I really gripped hard on those nose hairs and they came out
and it was satisfying for me.
Was it satisfying for you?
Satisfying? Yeah.
Like, we all know, when you pull a nose hair out, it hurts
and your eyes water, but afterwards there's an, "Aahhhh."
I felt that the first two.
So Emma, what was your approach?
I think it was like a meditation.
It was a meditation, but also a bit of a role play.
Oh, I'd prefer if you didn't call it that.
Well, actually, I think you hit upon something
that was very effective that no one else thought up.
You left him alone. That's right, I did.
I think I asked you at one point, "Would it be better if I left?"
and you said yes.
OK, well, I feel like we need to find out your heart rate.
That's right. And I'm going to give you the difference
between the stress and the relaxed times.
Dave's reduction was 19 bpm.
Unsurprising, seeing he just kept pulling hairs out of my head.
Tommy, aka Lady Fingers, got my heart rate down 29 bpm.
Lisa reduced it 31 with her unsettling massage.
Waka's reduction was 41 bpm, but Emma, with her genius method
of just leaving me be reduced it 63 beats per minute.
So that means one point goes to Dave,
two to Tommy, three to Lisa, four to Waka.
But Emma wins the task with five points.
I'll also give you an idea of the episode scores.
It's incredibly tight, but Tommy is in the lead with seven points.
And what about our series score as we near the halfway point
of our season?
Well, we've got Dave and Lisa at the back on 54 points apiece,
but Emma is in the lead with 73 points at the moment.
OK, give us another one, Snookie Bear.
We're going back to a time when puberty was all the rage.
(DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC)
(TASKMASTER THEME MUSIC)
Hi, Tom. Hi, Lisa.
There's an iPod here.
It's a bit old, iPod.
Ooh, iPod.
I'm familiar with what's in front of me.
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)
This is the piece of technology which lied to us
more than anything else in history.
It claimed to have something called anti-skip technology,
and it did not work.
And you had to sit, if you were on public transport, and you yourself
had to be the gyroscope.
I have two questions to ask you.
What was your favourite slang word when you were 13?
'Grouse'.
Probably 'cool'.
'Chillax'. 'Wazzup!?'
KY.
It means 'you cannot read air'.
What was your favourite musical genre when you were 13 years old?
Music theatre and Spandau Ballet.
Simon and Garfunkel. Folk rock. Hip-hop.
Rock and roll, indie rock.
Nu-metal and Linkin Park.
Don't do this to me.
Yeah. OK. Yep.
"Write a song for your 13 year old self.
"Your song must incorporate your just-stated slang word.
"And musical genre.
"Song that reveals most about your 13 year old self wins.
"You have 45 minutes.
"Your time starts now."
What were you like when you were 13?
That was kind of like discovering boys.
I was the school captain.
Now I think about it,
I may have been a narcissist.
I was pimply and awkward and greasy.
Every night my mom would give me pud, which never failed
to improve my mood.
Drums can be anything. This is the most lowest...
Drums are the worst instrument? Yeah.
Are you aware that the Taskmaster plays drums?
Tom Gleeson?
Sorry about that.
(APPLAUSE)
So we've got to get to the bottom of it, Waka. "KY"?
K means 'kuuki'. 'Kuuki' means 'air'.
And Y is 'yomenai'. It means 'cannot read'.
Cannot read air or a situation.
So, like, 'can't read the room'? Yes. Yeah.
Oh, so someone just walks into a room, pisses everyone off...
Yeah. He's KY. Oblivious.
So, like Josh Thomas?
Maybe. Well, yeah.
I just wanted to help people at home understand.
I love that he's not here, and he's still your least favourite.
All right. It's always exciting to see if we've got any musical talent
amongst our bunch.
Any early hints, Lesser Tom?
Um, I couldn't possibly say.
First up, we're going back to 2008,
singing about what's up in the genre of nu-metal.
It's Emma Holland.
I don't want to watch this.
(NU-METAL ROCK INTRO)
# I was 13 in 2008
# And my parents enrolled me in an equestrian course
# I didn't really like it
# And every girl there eventually got kicked by a horse.
# Not me, though
# I wore Crocs to school every day and I never washed them
# And they smelt bad
# So I put spray deodorant in the soles and I thought
# That made me really rad
# I had blue streaks in my hair
# Global warming made me scared
# I had not hit puberty
# America did not vote for Mitt Romney
# 2008, what a year
# The Olympics were in Beijing
# So I'd like to say wazzup to those involved
# In the anti-doping operational stings
# 2008, what a year
# The Olympics were in Beijing
# And I was too dead inside to watch them
# But I'm sure the results were really thrilling
# Wazzup!? #
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I truly believe there is nothing worse in this world
than being cringe, and I include domestic terrorism in that.
OK. Was that an easy watch, Emma, for you?
That was the hardest moment of my life.
So just to be clear, as talented as you seem to be musically,
it doesn't really matter.
What we're looking for is
who reveals the most about their 13 year old self.
Most revealed about your 13 year old self wins.
So we're kind of actually looking for revelations.
Just first up - 2008.
Mitt Romney didn't win because he wasn't on the ticket.
I know, I know. I realised...
It was Barack Obama versus John McCain.
So that wasn't really a revelation. That was a distortion of the truth.
I know. I realised ten minutes after I recorded it.
And I knew you'd bring it up,
and I was going to prepare something to say, and I didn't.
Yeah, a bit like Mitt Romney in the debate.
I need to know more about this.
"Every girl I know was kicked by a horse."
Yeah. Every girl I knew at horse riding got kicked at some point.
So what, you're supposed to walk close to the horse
when you walk behind it? Yeah.
And I think they were just being bitches, so...
So everyone you knew got kicked by a horse and deserved it?
Yeah.
All right, so whose singsong are we getting next?
This next fella is about to go a cappella, singing about KY
in the style of indie rock.
It's Takashi Wakasugi.
# Do-ch-do-do-ch-do-do-do-do-do
# You think you are smart?
# No, no
# You think you are perfect? # No, no
# You think you are popular?
# No, no
# You think you are different? # No, no
# But you grow, hoo-hoo But you change, hoo-hoo
# This world is bigger than you think
# Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch
# You are the KY
# You don't know
# You are the KY
You will know
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
So, drums. They're not so easy, are they?
So sorry about that. That's...
I respect you now more, more than anything.
Yeah. I'm very bad at music.
But that was a good song. Do you think?
Oh, yeah, I liked it. Well, you definitely got the KY bit in.
Can I ask, do they have K-Y lube in Japan?
No.
Oh, well, that's off Hughesy's holiday list.
OK, so you certainly mentioned KY.
You were being a bit KY deliberately,
but it didn't really reveal that much.
Not heaps. All right, time for an ad break.
Now, don't spend the whole time going on about how great you are
and how good you would've been at the task.
There's no need to be all KY about it.
See you soon.
(APPLAUSE)
Hello. Welcome back to the show,
where we've been having a good old fashioned singalong.
That's right, dude.
Um, sorry.
Our contestants have been singing songs that reveal the most
about their 13 year old selves.
So far, we've learnt that Emma has an equine background
and Waka was 13 once.
Next up in the style of the band Spandau Ballet,
from when it was cool to be cool, here's Lisa McCune.
(SLOW '80s BALLAD INTRO, FINGERS CLICKING)
# Chasing butterflies
# And watching clouds go by
# Even though I had a sty, I noticed you
# It was in an outdoor ed that day
# When I looked at you that way
# And you sent me off my head
# And this is what I said
# Hold my hand, please
# No need to be a tease
# I'm a fool who's trying to be cool
# Hold my hand, please. #
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Chasing Butterflies.
It's a beautiful image of a young Lisa McCune, I felt.
I had a really simple, lovely, you know, teenage years.
It was really lovely.
When did you smoke your first cigarette?
15. Ooh.
And was that the same for having a drink?
Oh, I think I probably was about nine, but like...
Only because you could have... Put that in the song.
But also, kids, you want to be successful,
start drinking at nine.
No, but like, not a can of beer or a glass,
but just a sip of something, you know.
Did you ever get in a scrag fight? No, no, I didn't.
I didn't, but there used to be...
My house was opposite the park where all the fights were.
So I used to take the injured back to my place, to the laundry
and cleaned them up. Yeah.
And she drove them back when she was 11.
But I must admit, you know, I would like to thank you,
because you've got a background in musical theatre,
so it's just good to relax while watching your clip,
because compared to the others, it was bloody beautiful.
Thanks, Tom.
OK, so let's hear another tune.
Get ready to unrelax, everyone.
Singing about 'grouse' in the style of folk rock is Dave Hughes.
(GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR INTRO)
# I lived in a humble house
# That I didn't think was grouse
# My dad said it was the best place on earth
# But I didn't know the worth
# Every night my mum always made me pud
# It would never fail to improve my mood
# She'd send me to the shops for ciggies and pads
# I'd come back with Jubes and Fads
# At cricket, I just wanted to be the hero
# But I always end up going out for zero
# Walking off, they'd quack like a duck
# I realise I shouldn't have given a (BLEEP)
# 'Cause now I know the duck was golden
# And I know the house was grouse
# The house was grouse. #
Grouse. House. (APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
How does it feel to watch that?
Yeah, I'm really proud of that work.
He leaned over to me as it was starting and went, "I got this."
Well, to be fair, it's got nothing to do with musical quality.
It's just about how much you reveal.
And in your comedy, you're constantly revealing so many truths,
intimate truths about yourself. Yep.
So I feel like this was right up your alley.
It was right up my alley. And I grew up in a humble house
which I didn't think was grouse.
But then eventually I realised it was grouse and... I'm gonna cry.
So... So was there a story in there?
Sorry. I tuned out a bit in the middle.
How would you describe the mood the pud put you in?
It was a good mood. Ah...
OK, so, I mean, it revealed heaps, which is great.
And 'grouse' got a mention. I mean, it's a pretty good result.
Yeah. OK.
In case someone's still watching...
..do we have another?
Having a chillax in the genre of hip-hop music, it's Tommy Little.
(HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES)
# I'm a greasy kid Greasy kid
# I'm a greasy kid Just a greasy kid
# I'm a greasy kid
# Pimples on my face and braces in their place
# Hair was greasy, so school wasn't easy
# I'm 13 with no control of my cock
# And next year I'm getting dreadlocks
# Sex! Well, I've had none
# But that doesn't mean that I haven't (BLEEP)
# 'Cause in my pants is where I climax
# Everybody said, "Yo, chillax"
# Sittin' on the bus and you're all alone-r
# All by yourself except for your boner
# I'm a greasy kid with (BLEEP) in his pants
# I'm a greasy kid
# And guess what?
# I'm you
# And you're me
# And I'm out. #
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Tommy, I feel like you poured a lot of self-loathing into that.
Yeah, I really thought at the end of that, when I did it live,
I'm like, "That was pretty good."
I must say, though, it was good to see you being back on brand again
with the lyrics "Sitting on a bus and you're all alone-r
"All by yourself, except for your boner."
I mean, it's the Tommy we've come to know and love.
I feel like you actually revealed a lot, though.
I was pretty pleased with that. It was a lot of revelation.
I guess I've gotta give out some scores.
Yes. This is big.
Hughesy really wants to know.
Come on. All right, once again,
music doesn't really matter, so I'm going to give...
Well, would've been nice if... Yeah. Anyway.
I agree it would have been nice if people at home
were entertained, but I...
I mean, it would have been helpful just for our careers generally.
Yeah.
I'm gonna give one to Waka, because I didn't really learn much at all.
OK. Two to Lisa McCune.
We did learn that she used to like chasing butterflies.
Three points to Tommy Little because we learned he was a greasy kid
and a few other awkward bits and pieces.
We learnt heaps about Emma.
Four points to Emma. But the most we learned about
in what was arguably the worst song...
..was Hughesy, with five points!
OK. Time now for an ad break.
Go and have a quick pud.
You never know, it might improve your mood.
Back soon.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where our comedians are playing for an aeroplane toilet,
and if they're lucky enough, the right to never hear
Dave Hughes sing again.
Find a way to segue to another task, please, Lesser Tom.
Um, here's a task that if you had a Segway, you could use it
to ride to the shops and...and buy some mugs.
Which is crazy, because this task is about mugs.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Tom-Tom. How are you?
I'm well.
Five. Something.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
(LAUGHS)
Ooh!
Careful.
(LAUGHS) Sticky.
"Get the mugs into the bath at the top of the path.
"You may only take 75 steps.
"You must be on the path the whole time.
"Most unbroken mugs gotten into the bath wins.
"You have 13 minutes.
"Your time starts now."
OK. Sounds kind of simple. Yep.
They've just got to get the mugs into the bath.
Most mugs into the bath.
Only unbroken mugs count.
OK. I reckon we just get into some mugs in bath, then.
First up, he's got 'World's Greatest Dad' written on a mug
and 'World's Greatest Mug' written on his dad.
It's Dave Hughes.
Oh, God.
(MUGS CLATTER)
(LAUGHS) Right.
That two steps? That's two. Yep.
How far do you reckon I've gone?
(GROANS)
That's not a good start, I reckon.
Is that good?
I've lost almost all of them already.
Mm. And I've gone four metres maybe.
I don't need this anymore, I've just realised. It's a shocking start.
(GRUNTS)
I may tear one of my short hamstrings.
This is easy, man.
Oh, God. I can just go like this, can't I?
And just put him in there. That's right.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Seven.
Never give up. OK.
(APPLAUSE)
Hughesy, if that task was a song, it would sound like the song
you just did before.
Yeah, but I won that task, so maybe I'll win this one.
Within a minute, Dave had broken 71% of the mugs.
Yeah, I feel like it was a shit effort, followed by a shit quote
which would be put on the side of a shit mug.
One thing you did nail is counting the mugs.
Hughesy transported seven mugs successfully to the bath.
Thank you. Appreciate it. Thank you.
All right. Who's next?
Next leading us down the garden path is Lisa and Tommy.
Oh, yes!
(SIGHS) Oh.
This is so easy, bro.
I'm just gonna tape 'em to myself, Tom.
Oh, OK. Yeah.
This is good.
Whoa!
This is really good, bro.
You know how you do some stuff and you're not that proud?
Mm. This is not one of them.
Time? Eight minutes and 14 seconds.
I'm gonna have to leave this behind.
It's time to start getting really serious.
OK. You ready?
Oh!
Three. Four.
Five.
Six.
Oh, she's breaking up.
I'm the smartest man alive.
Gently. Gently. Gently.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) (APPLAUSE)
Oh, my God!
How do you feel? Like a genius.
I've done something wrong, haven't I?
Like what?
Like, I don't know.
It's the paranoia setting in.
(APPLAUSE)
Oh, Emma.
So, Lisa, you did a great job carrying all those cups and mugs.
Is that because, as an actor, you've had to do a lot of hospo?
No.
I avoided that mostly, which is good, but, um. No...
Yeah. Take that, other actors.
But I'm happy. I was really happy with the outcome of my mugs.
But hang on. You used the mat that you were standing on.
I mean, is that legal?
What?
Dave, don't. That's so unfair. First of all...
Stay in your lane, you (BLEEP) snitch.
Thanks, Tommy.
Snitchy-poo's back.
Oh, mate. The Snitchy-poo.
Is it... Is it legal?
Using the mat was in accordance with the task.
It was also legal. Thank you.
Yeah. So, I mean, I feel like that's not the first time
you've had to strap stuff to yourself.
You were so quick to do it.
I feel like you've done it before. Yeah.
I used to take pints from pubs. Like, if we were leaving the pub
to go to another pub, I used to put a full pint in my pocket.
You could go out without spilling beer all down your jeans.
Yeah. Yeah.
I should explain it to you, Hughesy, because you don't drink.
By that stage, after you've had a few drinks,
you don't give a shit anymore.
If anything, the beer washes the piss away.
Right. So give us the stats. It's perhaps a bit of a testament
to the confidence gap between the genders.
Tommy "the smartest man alive" Little
got 29 mugs successfully in the bath.
Lisa "I've done something wrong, haven't I?" McCune
got 30 out of 30.
There it is. OK.
On the topic of mugs and breaks, keep your eyes fixed on the telly
as we take one. We'll be back shortly.
(APPLAUSE)
Hello. Welcome back to the televisual show formerly known as Taskmaster,
which is still known as Taskmaster.
That's right. Currently, our contestants are trying to get
as many unbroken mugs into the bath along the garden path.
The final two mugging for the camera are Emma and Waka.
And I can use any of these?
If you like.
I need a tape, and I don't know what's that one.
This is one step.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
What is this?
"Tom's Mug.
"I'll take the steps so you don't have to."
What?
So you can carry my bags to the bath?
If you ask me in the right way.
I'm worried if I use any of that,
something bad's going to happen.
I won't ask you to help.
You won't? No.
OK. With this face, you're lying.
I just...I don't trust this system.
These are going to be heavy.
Wait, wait, wait.
I can use this.
I just put mugs here and walk together.
OK. Where do I start from? Here?
You've already started. I've already started?
Yeah. From where?
Where you were. Like, including up there and back?
Yep. Tom! How many do I have left?
You've taken 23 steps.
There's no way.
Is the bath there? You've got 12 steps left.
Where's the bath?
Five steps remaining.
I'm not going to make it.
Two more.
It's impossible.
One step left.
Now what?
You got six minutes and 10 seconds. To do what?
24 seconds.
I'm so annoyed, because this seemed like such a good technique.
And I've come all this way.
There's just nothing I can really do, is there?
(PANTING) Tom, can you carry the cups to the bath, please?
Oh, please? OK, I'll do it. 10 seconds.
Please, please.
Thank you.
Be careful. Kindly. Gently. (APPLAUSE)
(BLOWS WHISTLE) You did it.
I should trust your poster.
This has made me so sad.
I could have made it, I reckon.
That's... Argh! You are a great person.
I should trust. Thank you.
Bye, Thomas.
Thanks, Emma.
ALL: Awwww.
(APPLAUSE)
Ohhh!
Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Hughesy's was not the worst.
That's unbelievable. I mean, this is fascinating, really.
It all came down to trust.
So you were the only two to pull up the banner.
But also, both of you made the mistake
of just not pulling the poster up all the way
so you could read the part at the bottom.
I just saw his face. I didn't wanna, you know.
OK. But then when you did ask him to help, you were just polite,
and that was just luck. There's no steps there.
So like, I can't do anything, and I just ask him.
Yeah, so are you saying that when you got to the end of your steps
and you had nothing to lose, you thought you might as well just ask.
Yeah. Whereas Emma...
What the (BLEEP)?
Emma stood there for the whole six minutes.
I'm watching that back, and I'm like, oh, that...
..that poor girl is really, really stupid.
OK, so...but it all just comes down to the number of mugs.
That's right. Waka managed 11 mugs due to his last minute politeness.
Emma, like the world's shittiest dad, zero mugs.
That means Emma gets one point, Dave gets two, Waka gets three,
Tommy gets four, but Lisa wins the task with five points!
Oh, my God, I got one! Yes! OK.
In terms of scores for the episode, it's a tight one,
with Waka at the bottom on ten points.
Tommy only four ahead, in the lead currently on 14 points.
OK, take those mugs and the rest of your persons
up onto the stage for the final task of the show.
All right. Teams are back.
So we've got the age team and the better team.
Who's reading the task, Cashboy? Team of three, aka the better team.
"Ride for exactly 111m while sketching a sketchy sketch.
"One of your team-mates must be riding.
"All others must be sketching.
"You may only sketch whilst pedals are in motion.
"Closest to 111m rode wins.
"However, if your sketch is deemed least sketchy,
"your difference from 111m will be doubled.
"You have 180 seconds."
You're going to decide something to draw.
(TEAMS CONFER QUIETLY)
OK. A team, who will be riding the bike?
I will ride the bike.
B team, who will be riding the bike?
Si, senor. Fantastic.
Your time starts now. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
LISA: Can you actually, like... Sometimes you might have to go
a little bit slower, Dave. Are you guys ready?
Yep. That one.
Oh, two.
Yep. Just hold on.
That is... Go a little bit slower.
Can you slow down a little bit? I'm going as slow as I can.
Yep. Oh, my God. OK. How many spins has it done?
I've lost count and I didn't know what it was meant to be anyway.
We're going way over, man.
You're spinning pretty hard there.
Maybe you focus on your spinning, bro.
Oh.
You've got to keep moving. You've got to keep moving.
I am! Disqualify them!
Shut up!
Two minutes left! Oh, shizenhausen.
Way over, man. Way over. What do you mean, I'm way over?
Have you seen how slow I'm riding?
Dave, I don't think you're even interested in the hell
that I'm going through here.
You haven't asked... You haven't asked me once.
You know you've got this.
You won four Gold Logies for a reason.
For a little bit. This is just so shit.
Hang on. He's spinning like a top.
I thought I needed some more mileage.
Keep going, mate. There's someone chasing ya!
30 seconds!
Can you slow down? Can you slow down?
Do you have time to slow down? I'm not moving.
He's not movin'!
I'm just trying to... Come on, Lisa.
Five, four, three... AUDIENCE: Two, one!
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Yes!
Oh, my God! We won.
TOM GLEESON: All right, just when a few cyclists have looked at the TV
and thought, "Finally, someone is taking us seriously,"
we'll be back to look at the portraits after the break.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
What's going on, Cashman?
Our contestants have just done a live task where our teams sent
someone for a ride on a bike of exactly 111m,
and whilst they did so,
the rest of their team sketched a sketchy sketch
on a canvas attached to the back of the bike's wheel.
Simple stuff.
Before I reveal the distances and how close they got to 111m,
you need to judge whose sketch was the sketchiest.
Can we see the sketches? OK. All right.
That's the better team. B team.
Better team. In this case, may not be better.
It's upside down. Oh.
Really? It feels like...
Looks pretty symmetric in both axes.
No, it's upside down. Really?
I think that would be the end of what you say about it.
Are you silencing a woman? Yes.
I'm thinking maybe it's a record player.
Let's see the next sketch.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, dear. OK.
Says down the bottom, "Where's Lance?"
I'm guessing Lance Armstrong. Maybe it's a Tour de France.
I feel like the inspiration was right in front of Lisa,
which was the bike. I think they are bicycles all over there.
Oh, my God. And Lance Armstrong was very sketchy.
Out of the two of them... Yes.
..I think Lance Armstrong is far more sketchy.
All right! Thank you.
The A team said they were sketching Lance Armstrong injecting steroids
whilst riding a bike. OK.
The B team said they were going to draw the earth
holding a knife.
The-the eyes.
It has like a sketchy look. That's like a smile and two eyes,
and then he's got a little arm with the knife coming out.
OK.
He's really upset about global warming.
OK, so what scores do we allocate?
Well, it came down to who had the sketchiest drawing.
So Dave and Lisa rode 76m. That's 35m short of 111,
which was your target.
The B team rode 175.2m.
That's 64m over 111. Yes!
But then after the doubling, you were 128m away.
Not bad.
So the A team wins!
OK, so to allocate points, I think I'll go five, five, two, two, two.
OK.
OK. And who is our winner of the episode?
Waka was in last place with 12 points, and we had Emma with 13,
Tommy with 16, Dave with 17,
but Lisa wins the episode with 18 points!
Oh, really!? I am so genuinely shocked.
I'm genuinely shocked.
Congrats, Lisa!
Get up on stage and claim your frustrating desert island stuff.
Well then, what have we learnt?
Hughesy taught us he had a grouse house.
And right now Tom's learning
that it's tickle time!
See you next week. Goodnight!
(TASKMASTER THEME MUSIC)
Why don't you shake it all about for us?
You suck and I hate your outfit. No!
Argh! Argh! Ah! Ah!
Shit. Let's go.
TOM GLEESON: I can't believe I'm saying this,
but watching two 53 year olds do Gangnam Style
was the least awkward bit.