Ooh, no table.
- Hello, Josh. - Hello, Alex.
"Sing along to the Taskmaster theme tune."
"Most powerful and champion-like wins."
"Your time starts now."
Absolutely my worst nightmare.
[Alex] Are you ready?
♪ Rrrrrump! ♪
♪ Buh, buh, buh, buhh ♪
♪ Buh, duh, buh, buh ♪
♪ Buh, buh, buh, buhh ♪
♪ Buhh, buh, buh, baoww ♪
♪ Bah, buh, bah, baoww ♪
♪ Buh, buh, buh, boohhh ♪
♪ Buh, buh, buh, baoww ♪
♪ Buh, buh, buh, boop ♪
♪ Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup! ♪
♪ Bowwww ♪
[cheers and applause]
Hello! Thank you, thank you.
I'm Greg Davies and welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to the Taskmaster Champion of Champions!
[cheers and applause]
This is it. The final showdown.
Soon we'll find out which of our champions has proven they are
the one and only competitor worthy of the Champion of Champions title.
Let's get on with it, shall we?
[cheers and applause]
Here for your entertainment, awe and pity, are...
Bob Mortimer!
Josh Widdicombe!
Katherine Ryan!
Noel Fielding!
And Rob Beckett!
And next to me, hanging on my every word like a rabid little puppy...
[high-pitched] It's little Alex Horne!
[cheers and applause]
Anything to say for yourself?
I, uh, I look nice. I've done my hair.
I've made it wet and straightened it.
And I've done my teeth, I've had the worst one removed.
- [laughter] - That's good.
Like the film stars.
[laughter]
It's an exciting day. I've got some...
In case it all kicks off, I've got some...
some safety party poppers.
So they're just normal party poppers,
but I've taped a sandwich bag around it to collect...
- [laughter] - ...the insides.
To protect your eyes and limbs.
- Do you want me to do one? - Yes, please.
OK.
[laughter]
[faint pop]
- [laughter] - I took the bang out.
- I took the bang out as well. - Took the bang out as well, did you?
[laughter]
OK, well, first, let's remind people,
this is the second part of the two-part champions special.
The first part was won by Katherine Ryan.
[applause]
But anything could happen this time round,
and for this final of the Champion of Champions special, we thought
we should create a super tough prize category.
And by super tough, I mean vague,
because we've asked them to bring in the best thing.
- [laughter] - Very vague, very vague.
Whoever's thing you deem best will kick off the final
with five useful points, and the winner of this episode
will go home with five of the best things ever.
OK, here we go. Let's start the other end to last time.
Rob Beckett, what have you brought in,
and why, Rob, why?
I've brought in Del Boy's ring.
- [audience gasps] - Oooh.
I did a sitcom and the lady who did all the wardrobe stuff,
her first job was on Only Fools and Horses.
And she, in her bag, had his ring.
And we got on well, and at the of it,
as a present, she gave it to me at the end of the episode.
So I've got Del Boy's ring.
Yeah.
[laughter]
Um, who's next?
Noel, what have you brought in and why's it so incredible?
It's the Kasabian boys and they've composed
a little song for the winner, called "You're the Best Thing".
- OK. - Here are the Kasabian boys.
♪ You're the best thing ♪
♪ You're the best thing, you're ♪
[laughter and applause]
What an awful forum for the Kasabian boys to lose their record contract.
[laughter]
[Greg] Katherine?
Well, Romesh Ranganathan, Taskmaster alumnus,
he tweeted out his outrage when an embroidery artist called Alison
created a photo of him that was less than flattering.
And I thought, it makes him so angry, I've gotta buy it.
- It's spectacular. - Oh, great.
And then, just to really upset Romesh,
I made it into a jacket emblazoned with the date
that he's doing quite an important gig at the Greek Theatre in LA.
Here it is.
[laughter]
[Josh] Wow, that is amazing.
And look at his boobs!
[Greg] Because the actual head's fairly accurate, isn't it?
So, presumably, he has got one tit in the middle of his chest.
[laughter]
[Alex] Josh?
Are we not discussing the fact
that you made me sing the theme tune
under the guise that it was a task everyone was doing?
We're gonna slip by that.
- So I don't even get a point?! - Correct.
Josh, when we did our series, he made me paint his shed!
[laughter]
What did you bring in?
I thought, "What thing in my life is the most valuable?"
You know, so I thought...
Well, my house.
[Alex] There we go.
Now obviously I still need to live in that house.
[laughter]
But you can have the keys...
You can come and go as you please...
Who else lives in the house?
Er, my girlfriend and our baby.
[Rob] Oh. Pfffbt.
So...
[laughter]
- [Noel] Sounds like a cult. - You are more than welcome to...
be part of the thing that I think is the best.
My house and my family.
[everyone] Aww.
I do put it on the chain from 11 p.m., so you will need to text ahead.
[laughter]
Bob, you can steal this. I feel it.
Well, I brought in my best possession,
which is my broccoli rotation and delivery unit.
[laughter]
which I've used both to teach my kids to fall in love with broccoli,
and if you're having, like, a do.
The adults quite enjoy it as well.
Best thing I've got, Greg.
[laughter]
It does move. Do you want to see it in action, Greg?
- Yes, please. - OK, this is the broccoli...
I tell you now, it's... it's right up there.
[laughter]
Oh, here he goes again.
I would say it's quite similar to the sausage dispenser
you brought in earlier in the year.
You've got that right.
But it's a completely different purpose.
Alright, then. Five things.
- Yep. - Which is the best?
In last place, sorry, I just don't want to see
- a mid-titted Romesh Ranganathan. - Whoa!
I'm gonna do a joint third place, if that's alright.
- OK, so for three points. - Yeah.
I think that an elephant with a piece of broccoli on the end of it
is exactly as good as, um...
- Josh Widdicombe's house and family. - You absolute...!
[laughter and applause]
And imagine if you were the biggest band in the country,
and you were beaten by Del Boy's ring.
But they're just pissing around outside a toilet!
That's what happened. Noel is in second.
- [Alex] The winner of the task? - [Greg] Beckett takes it.
There we go. Rob Beckett gets five points.
[cheers and applause]
We're off. Hit me with a task that really tested their mettle.
Here we go.
Hmm, briefcase.
Whoa, yep!
- [Alex] Hello there, Bob. - Hello there.
[digital beeping]
Wow, what does that mean?
"What's in the case?"
What's in the case?
So it's locked.
"Your time starts..."
"...now."
You know when you get a vibe that something's not your bag?
What?!
[applause]
Who are we gonna see first?
Well, they've got to crack the code.
It's a three-digit number. There's a thousand possibilities there.
We're gonna see Katherine and Bob first of all.
[Greg] Lovely.
That number!
No, it's an H.
Um...
[he groans]
"How much rice is in the drawer?" No way.
Could be a long 'un, lads.
Buckle down. [he laughs]
These are not real drawers.
- [laughter] - These are painted-on drawers.
I mean, I'm at a loss here, uh...
Why can't, if there was a drawer, I'd be able to see it...
200,000 divided by 40.
Equals... I don't fucking know.
[he laughs]
[frustrated noise]
Drawer!
[Alex] Pineapple.
Oh, my fucking God!
What is real?!
And there's rice in there.
[laughing] Oh, no!
It's probably bloody written somewhere, innit?
[audience groans]
60... 62...
64... 66...
[laughter]
If it isn't that, that's great.
[he laughs]
98, 99, 200...
Are there 201...?
Yep, yep, yep!
It is!
I hope it's sweets.
Frozen peas.
[applause]
Katherine, it was just drawers all the way for you.
I was worried that, like, the British had a different...
'cause we don't say wardrobe, we say closet.
So I was thinking, "Maybe drawers means a pineapple."
[laughter]
Want to know how long she took?
201... Yes I do, please.
Well, it was five minutes,
and four minutes, and three minutes, and two minutes,
so 14 minutes.
[laughter]
And three seconds.
Lovely.
Bob, I believe that the first conclusion that Einstein reached was
E equals I don't fucking know.
[laughter]
One thing Bob said during it was that he'd had his maths removed from his anus.
[laughter]
How long till Bob used his brain and found your little ticker tape?
He found my ticker tape in seven minutes 42 seconds.
Ooh.
OK, time for some ads,
or adverts, or advertising,
whatever you wanna call it.
See you 201 seconds.
Good morning.
Welcome back to Taskmaster Champion of Champions.
What have people missed, Alex?
Oh, just some really top-level entertainment television, Greg.
The champions were trying to work out a code to crack open a briefcase.
We've seen two of the contestants find some of the clues.
Next up, it's Josh Widdicombe.
Do you want to see if his technique reflects his personality?
- Yes, please. - OK.
So 200,000 divided by 40.
Equals X.
So 5,000...
minus...
What the f... I mean, what?!
This is just maths.
How is that a TV show?
No offence to Countdown.
So 5,000...
minus ten...
So that's 4,900...
...divided by...
0.25...
2,005... plus ten...
...divided by...
...times... four times 0.25...
One.
So the answer is 201.
Oh!
[Josh gasps]
First one's off.
Second one's not.
Yes, it fucking is.
[laughter]
- Peas. Frozen peas. - [cheers and applause]
It's really impressive.
Oh, thank you, 'cause I did it and then suddenly I was the dweeb.
[laughter]
I will have you know, I am not a dweeb.
[laughter]
I wasn't expecting it. Were you expecting it?
Yes, I think so.
[laughter]
But he was very quick. I mean, it was lots of difficult maths.
There were three equations that all related to each other,
and he worked it out in five minutes and 30 seconds.
Wow!
[applause]
Fastest so far. Blimey. Who's next?
Now let's see series three champion
Rob Beckett give it a crack. Here we go.
I could just keep shouting guesses.
[Alex] Mm-hm?
Water, rice...
Pasta.
Big block of something frozen.
Ice creams, lollies.
Big block of ice, innit?
I don't know what's in it.
Erm...
- [Alex] You can leave the room, obviously. - Frozen peas.
[audience gasps]
Oh, hello.
[cheers and applause]
Stopped, has it?
[Alex] Well, I've stopped the clock, yeah.
Why? It's a bit weird, innit?
[Alex] Well, it's fastest to get the correct answer.
It's frozen peas, innit?
- Brilliant. Thanks, Rob. - No worries.
[cheers and applause]
You've nailed it. Incredible.
It just sounded like peas, I dunno.
- That was absolutely amazing. - Don't think, just do.
What time?
Well, as we know, Josh worked it out in five minutes 30.
Rob sussed it out in five minutes 45.
[everyone gasps]
Oh, so close.
It's just, er, Noel.
Yes, we're gonna going form guesswork to fieldwork.
- Noel Fieldwork. - [Greg] Fieldwork.
Noel Fielding-work. It doesn't quite work. Here we go.
"Your time... starts..."
"...now." A slipper?
Um... [he laughs]
Some cheese?
Er, a balaclava?
[Alex] I'll stop the clock if you get it right.
Er, a goalkeeping glove?
An anteater. A drawing of an anteater.
Some corks?
- Tim Key? - [Alex] I wish.
Can I smash this case to pieces?
- [Alex] Do whatever you want. - OK, see you later.
[laughter]
I'm never gonna break this.
Hammer! There's got to be a hammer.
[laughter]
Yes!
[he laughs]
[Alex] What's in the case?
Peas!
[applause]
It's an incredible job.
You guessed the following things, as far as I could work out:
slipper, some goalkeeper's gloves, some cheese,
an anteater, a picture of an anteater,
and then went straight to, "I'm gonna fuck this case up."
[laughter]
I thought, if it was an anteater,
I've got to get that guy out of there.
[laughter]
Great. What, um...?
- The time? - Yeah.
What's the time?
At the moment, Josh is in the lead with five minutes 30.
[Greg] Yes.
Noel Fielding took 19 seconds...
and three minutes.
[everyone gasps]
He wins the task!
[cheers and applause]
Can we see your messy little scoreboard, please, Alex?
Of course we can. Well, thanks to the two slender hammers,
we've got a new leader. Noel Fielding's on nine points.
[cheers and applause]
Do you have another really testing task for our former champions?
Well, this is what me and the guys have been calling
Face Off Bake Off.
Hmm.
Head.
[Alex] Hello.
Hello.
Oh! Argh!
[laughter]
"Make a mask that tastes delicious and looks great."
Totally in my wheelhouse.
"Your mask must be entirely edible and entirely wearable."
"You have ten minutes to plan your mask and 20 minutes to make it."
"You must then wear your mask so that Alex can taste it."
Je. Sus. Christ.
"Most delicious and great- looking mask wins."
I mean...
Noel Fielding is the fucking mask-maker.
I went to Venice recently. They had some good masks there.
First instinct's omelette on the head.
I am so good at making masks.
You couldn't know how unfair this is on the other people.
I'll get some Skittles.
And some... some Wotsits.
The cheaper the Wotsit, the greater the adhesion.
I need a large watermelon.
Hundreds and thousands.
Some hundreds and thousands.
This is gonna be so good, man.
Those long shoestring, like, chewy candies.
Liquorice bootlaces.
Who don't love a strawberry lace?
Could I get all the different sweets?
[Alex] No.
Spinach.
Who don't like strawberry jam?
Some jam. Some red jams.
[Alex] Jams?
Yes, I want a palette. A palette of jams.
[applause]
"First instinct, stick an omelette on me head."
[laughter]
Who don't like omelettes?
"The cheaper the Wotsit, the greater the adhesion."
Mm-hm, it's very true.
Poetic.
"I want a palette of jams."
- [laughter] - Fuckin' hell. Who's first?
Well, there are a lot of...
A lot of confidence there from these three.
Josh was less confident, but we're gonna start with Katherine's,
'cause I'm very awkward around all humans but particularly that gender.
[laughter]
He can't even say women. Isn't that awful?
I haven't decided yet whether that's what I am or not, so you're fine.
Mm-hm... Oh, God. OK.
[laughter]
[Alex] Hello.
Do you like it?
Do I?
- Mm-hm? - Yes.
Nice skin.
Thank you.
Um, which bit would you...
Which bit's the starter?
Um, you like savoury, so you could have a Wotsit eyebrow.
A Wotsit eyebrow.
- Good? - Mm-hm.
Nice texture. Good flavour.
- Lots of flavours. - Mm-hm.
Your eyes are... quite piercing.
- Mm-hm. - Mm-hm.
I have also... My mask includes head and hair.
Yeah, I might go for the hair next, is it?
- Delicious, right? - Mm-hm.
- Your lips are... dripping a bit. - Mm-hm.
- [laughter] - I guess I'll just eat one of your eyes?
- And then we're done. - Mm-hm.
[laughter]
Mmm.
Nice.
- Mm-hm. - Very sweet.
Your mask tastes delicious, thank you.
You're welcome.
[applause]
What most interested me is how
unamused you were throughout that.
I, uh, started to get really hot.
And then I felt kind of sick, so I just chose not to move or speak.
- You looked really forlorn. - So sad.
Yeah.
It seemed like real low point for you.
[laughter]
And it certainly was for Alex.
- [Katherine] Sorry, Alex. - "Oh, your lips are melting."
[laughter]
Yeah, I didn't... I didn't go near the lips in the end.
- I got a bit nervous. - Did you contemplate it?
Yes, it felt like hours of thinking, "Do I...? Should I...?"
What I found was quite weird, he never ate off my face.
I don't know about you lads.
[laughter]
Do you want to see Josh Widdicombe's?
- Yeah, who's next? - Uh, Josh Widdicombe's.
- OK. - [laughter]
[audience gasps]
Hello, Josh.
- It's Alex, actually. - Hello, Alex.
- Would you like to kiss me? - Pardon?
[laughter]
- Lovely tongue. - Thank you.
[laughter]
- [Josh snorting] - [laughter]
- I'm gonna eat one of my eyes. - [Josh giggling]
Oh, no!
[Josh giggles]
Oh, I don't like it!
- Bit of my hair and then we're done. - No! Argh!
[Josh laughs] Oh, God!
Oh, no!
Thank you for that.
[muffled] Oh... Thank you...
Argh!
[applause]
You weren't at all uncomfortable there, were you?
It was quite an intense experience.
I felt a slight sense of revenge, 'cause he was...
trying to recreate my own face.
Yeah, it looked exactly like you.
He said I had, "Sad eyes and a thin little mouth."
"An idiosyncratic medieval face."
- [laughter] - Tick, tick, tick, tick.
[laughter]
That's the halfway point reached.
Not long now until someone gains
free access to Josh Widdicombe's house,
and I give my body away.
Hi, hello, and hi.
It's part three and we've been luxuriating
in a spot of face-eating.
We certainly have.
Now I've eaten some pretty tasty faces in my time,
but tonight proves how champion- worthy these competitors are.
Just Bob, Rob and Noel to gobble.
First, Rob Beckett and Noel Fielding's attempt.
[laughter]
Hello, Noel.
[Noel] Hi, how are you?
- Let's taste some mask. - Yep.
Mm, that's lovely.
I'm gonna start off with the Crunchy Nut Cornflake.
[Noel] OK.
- Ready? - Yeah.
[laughter]
Got a lot of seeds.
Mm-hm.
It's so sinister.
OK, I'm gonna go in for the dessert now, Rob.
Yeah, yeah, so there's pancakes up there.
Oh, that's... I feel vulnerable.
Feels like brain surgery.
Yep, I felt that fork then.
- Is that your head just there? - Yeah, that's my brain.
[laughter]
- The old noggin. - Mm, now that's lovely.
I'll eat the bridge of your nose. You ready?
[Noel laughs]
I'll have a little bit more.
- Yeah, that is my hair. - [Alex laughs]
Just seen the hair. The hair's poking through.
Yeah, it will be, when you cut it.
Your mask tastes delicious, Rob.
Wow, I feel like a scarecrow who's getting pecked.
By a sort of red-headed crow. [he laughs]
In a good way?
[applause]
See, I made a mask, I didn't just put it straight on my face.
I think that's what... I made a barrier...
No, because it's meant to be entirely edible and wearable.
Thank you, I was about to point that out myself, Katherine.
It's not supposed to have gaffer tape in it.
Very dangerous for a dolphin to eat.
That's what I call Alex. The dolphin.
[laughter]
Rob, was it themed? It looked like a sort of
Northern, flat cap-wearing man.
It's just supposed to be a working man's lunch.
[Greg] Right.
- Yeah, but as a mask. - But as a working man.
Yeah, yeah, so I had a Yorkshire pudding starter,
- left over from Sunday roast. - [Greg] Oh, lovely.
And then there was a peanut butter wrap,
- on the face. - Of course.
And then pancakes for dessert.
That staple Northern meal.
[laughter]
Mmmm!
- [Alex] One person left. - OK.
- That person is Bob Mortimer. - Let's see it.
[Alex] OK.
[laughter]
[Geordie accent] Come to me, human man!
Taste my facial flesh!
Howay, what's not to like?
Hello, Bob.
- [laughter] - That's it. Tuck in.
Go for my nose, pet. Come on.
Oh, oh. Come on.
Oh, yes, I'm a sinner!
I have sinned! Come on, eat me up!
Oh, thank you!
[Bob groans]
Beautiful, mate.
Are there more like you on your planet?
Argh, more!
Please!
Enclose me! Howay!
Oh, no, I've sinned again!
I've sinned again, mon!
Hmm. Well, I've tasted your mask.
Hey, Alex, it were just me.
- [laughter] - It was just me!
What do you reckon? Sexy, yeah?
Thank you!
[laughter]
[applause]
Bob, I think you were shouting out, "I'm a s..."
"I'm a sinner. I have sinned."
[laughter]
Is that what that was...?
I think that's what you were shouting out while Alex was eating your face.
[laughter]
Did he cure me?
- Was that the little story? - Yeah, you kept saying thank you.
It was your fucking mask, mate.
[laughter]
Do you wanna see all five masks?
Yeah, yeah, I do.
Here they are.
[laughter]
Rob's is a little bit Phil Collins, innit?
[laughter]
There was a period when he was like that, wasn't there?
- [Alex] The hat? - [Bob] Yeah!
I genuinely think they're all amazing.
OK.
And it's very difficult, but based on
what you told me about the flavours,
I'm going mark Noel and Rob...
I'm going to give them two points each.
Because the combination of flavours...
He's got fucking glue on his!
[laughter]
And they're not edible!
Yours looks like a sort of naan matador gone wrong.
Fucking horrifying.
It's like a Yorkshire remake of the Halloween films.
[laughter]
"Ey up, you're all in trouble now!"
[laughter]
"I'm gonna eat the lot of youse."
[laughter]
This is one of my favourite ones ever, this is.
- [Greg] Right, OK. - [Alex] OK.
- We've got two points for Noel and Rob. - OK, it's really hard.
OK, I'm gonna give Katherine three points,
because I can't award a lot of points to
something that made her that unhappy.
And Josh, I think it genuinely looks like you,
and he deserves the four points for your awful assault.
And I mean, I just...
I can't not give Bob first place.
OK, five points to Bob.
[cheers and applause]
I guess we have to be brave now, take a deep breath,
and prepare to see the last task these champions ever tackled in the house.
Here's the last one.
Alright?
"Make the biggest mess and..." [he laughs]
"Make the biggest mess and completely clear it up."
"You have ten minutes."
"Your time starts now."
OK.
D'you reckon I could tip that?
[laughter and applause]
Well, I for one am hoping we get to see him try.
[laughter]
We can start with them if you want.
Rob and Noel were both caravan-bound.
Do you wanna see where they went and what happened?
Hit me up.
There's a bit of go in it, ain't there?
Harder than it looks.
That's it. That's it.
- [Alex] That's the mess, is it? - No.
I tell you what, have you got a hose?
[Alex] Yes.
I'd say that was a mess, right?
[Alex] Oh, it's a big mess.
Looks great, doesn't it?
Seven and a half minutes to put that back?
Let's go.
I mean, this is working absolutely...
Absolute charm, this!
This is great, 'cause I actually love tidying up.
Is there a broom?
It's like a game of memory. I know where everything goes.
It's not really the kind of broom I was after, but...
Oh!
Ugh.
Can you see any flour...? Is there any flour on my face?
[Alex] Not that I can s-- Oh.
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[Alex] Thank you, Rob.
[whistle blows]
[Alex] Thank you, Noel.
[applause]
This show brings up strange things that come out of people's mouths,
and I never thought I'd hear Noel Fielding say,
"I really like tidying."
[laughter]
Is that a thing in your life? You like a tidy?
I do like hoovering, yeah.
You left the caravan tidier than when...
you arrived in it.
So we appreciated that.
Yeah, he covered quite a big area.
Rob probably covered a bigger area with his flour, right?
Yes, there was a lot of flour. It covered the whole driveway.
- [Greg] Bigger mess. - [Alex] A bigger mess.
Who's next?
Bob and Josh, these two men.
[Greg] Bobby Josh.
Let's get a grounding of cheese puffs.
Oh, that's beautiful.
I don't know what I'm doing, Alex. I'm panicking.
I'm panicking.
Argh, I'm panicking!
Panicking!
That's good.
[laughter]
So that's the mess.
This is now the challenge.
[Alex] You've got six and a half minutes.
I'm sprinkling unsalted peanuts.
Messy bastards.
[laughter]
How long, Alex?
You've got two and a half minutes.
[laughter]
Oh, Jesus.
This bin's worse than I imagined.
[laughter]
How long, Alex?
- One minute 40, Bob. - One minute 40. One more thing.
Sugar cubes.
Away you go, you sweet little imps!
Right, tidy it up.
You've got 50 seconds, Bob.
[whistle blows]
[DING!]
[Alex] Spilled a bit of tea there.
[whistle blows]
[Bob exhales] Sorry.
I'm finished.
Gave it my best shot.
Made a big mess.
Yeah, not a very good hoover.
[laughter and applause]
Bob, I put it to you that you never had
any intention of clearing all that mess up.
None whatsoever, no.
On the two sides of the equation, you know,
I realised that the mess was where the fun lay.
[Greg] Where the fun was.
Amazing. Josh...
It was the neatest mess I've ever seen.
- but it was lovely. - It was really messy.
By the time you'd finished, it was lovely.
It looked really... There was bins and there was eggs,
and there was... biscuits.
I fantasised about you coming and
living with me at one point during that.
Which bit? When I was messing or when I was tidying?
Both.
[laughter]
Only one part left, and in that part,
we will find the Champion of Champions. Yes, we will.
Here we are, then. We made it.
The last chapter in our Champion of Champions special story.
But first, what was left to clear up, Alex?
Well, Rob, Bob, Nob and Job have all been making messes
and clearing them up. They are men.
We're yet to see Katherine Ryan's slightly different take on making a mess.
OK, I'm gonna make some phone calls.
Mess with my family.
I'm just gonna tell them each a lie.
[phone dials]
[her sister] I'm in class, what do you want?
Yeah, um, I just need to talk to you about
something quite serious for a minute.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine, it's just that I have news from people back home
that Alan is cheating on you.
Pff, no he's not.
No, they saw him in a bar and he was making out with this lady.
Well, I've been cheating on him for the last six months, so what's your deal?
OK, well...
I'll get more information for you when I have it, though.
It might be not true, but it feels true.
Bye.
She wasn't that surprised. OK.
Um, OK, I'm gonna call my dad.
[Alex] How long has she been with Alan?
They've been married for two years.
[phone dials]
- Got it. - Hello?
Hi, dad, how are you?
Good. How are you?
I'm well, I've got something that Kerrie just told me.
OK.
She's pregnant and it's not Alan's.
[he chuckles]
Why are you laughing? I'm serious.
April the first, is it?
No, no. I'm dead serious. It's like... some bad news.
- [he chuckles] - [laughter]
You're gonna give me a heart attack.
No, I'm not, I'm not. It's like...
[he laughs]
Hey, I didn't come over here in the last banana boat, you know.
- OK, well, I've gotta go then. - I know you.
I've gotta go then and lie to someone else.
- Alright. Bye. - OK, bye.
Fucking... God!
[Alex] You've got one minute 45.
One minute 45 seconds. This is no good for a mess. Damn it!
Um...
So, sorry to bother you again,
I just realised that it was not Alan who was
making out with that girl at the bar.
It was someone else who works with Alan,
but because they're both Filipino, my friend got terribly confused.
So I'm really sorry, I hope you didn't...
I hope I didn't make a mess.
Well, I just told him that I'd been cheating on him.
[she laughs] No, you didn't.
I did.
Well, just tell him you were joking.
Oh, my God. OK, love you. Thanks.
[laughter]
I'll call Alan. I'll call Alan real quick and just
tell him my sister's not cheating on him.
[phone dials]
- Hello? - Hello, yeah?
Hi, I just want you to know Kerrie was just playing a big joke on you,
so she's not cheating on you, Alan. Everything's cool.
Enjoy your marriage.
[he laughs] No, this is Abe.
Shit, is Alan there?
- Can you call Alan and...? - [laughter]
Oh, no!
Well, I'll see Alan tonight.
Good, well, tonight be far too late, so...
OK. OK, thanks.
[whistle blows]
[laughter]
[Alex] Enjoy Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
[applause]
Jesus Christ.
[laughter]
Are Alan and your sister still together?
Well, my sister, like my dad, knew I was lying,
so she lied to me and said she cheated on her husband,
but of course she never would.
They have a wonderful marriage.
Your commitment to entertainment...
[laughter]
- ...is impressive. - Yeah.
And you know what, people shouldn't be getting married anyway.
[laughter]
Yeah...
You're probably helping them out in the long run.
[laughter]
Well, we've seen all the messes, Greg.
Yeah, OK. Man...
Alright, well, I'm gonna put Bob in last place,
because he was just having fun.
So you can have one point.
- It's not about fun, is it? - It's not about fun.
This is gonna sound really harsh, but...
I don't think Josh's mess was very messy.
What?!
There was eggs everywhere, there was bins on the floor!
One bin.
[laughter]
I do feel bad, though, because he did a lovely job cleaning up,
so can we give him three points?
[Alex] OK.
- Joint second... - Joint second?
- [Greg] ...Noel and Rob. - [Alex] Because of the mess.
You know, they both made a nice mess,
they both did a nice job of cleaning up.
But Jesus Christ, if for...
[laughter]
If for the sake of an entertainment show on Dave,
Katherine Ryan's prepared to fuck her own family up,
she's gonna get the five points.
- So in a way, she won the task. - Bang, she won the task!
[cheers and applause]
How are things looking before the final task, then, Alex?
There's five points separating the five people,
Katherine is now on double figures with ten,
but Noel's in the lead on 15.
- [Greg whistles] - Here we go.
[cheers and applause]
Just one thing left, then.
Will you all please take the stage for the final task
of the Champion of Champions!
[cheers and applause]
Um, I think we should get Katherine to read out the task, please.
[Alex] Oh, I've...
I've got Heelys on but they don't work on this floor.
Thank you, Alex.
OK.
"Record the highest total of steps on your pedometers."
"You may not touch your blindfold."
"You have 100 seconds."
OK, please don your blindfolds.
[Greg] Blindfolds on.
You have six pedometers on your ankles, wrists, midriff and head.
Most steps recorded as a total wins.
You have 100 seconds, starting on the whistle.
[blows whistle]
[cheers and applause]
Where is the fucker?
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[Rob] I don't know where I am!
Where are you going, Josh? Where are you going?
You're drifting, you're drifting.
You have a nice time, Bob?
- Yes, thank you. - Good, good.
Go on, Josh! Go on, Josh!
Go on, Katherine.
Ten!
[audience] Nine, eight, seven, six...
five, four, three, two, one...
[whistle blows]
Stay still, stay still, stay still!
What a glorious end to the Champion of Champions.
Please make your way down and
we'll see how that's affected the final scores!
[Alex] This way, please.
[cheers and applause]
- Have you added up the steps, Alex? - Of course I have.
I did what you told me to do, I added them up.
And?
Well, um, the lowest score was 627 steps,
and that was recorded by Noel Fielding.
[audience] Aww.
The lowest score. He was going like the clappers.
I think he did move a couple of them.
Put 'em on my feet.
And I think the moving affected the score.
They were adjusted that well when they were re-positioned.
Aww.
For which... I'm truly sorry.
[laughter]
[Greg] And who was next?
Well, Noel did 627. Bob did 730 steps.
- Not bad. - Just by using them on his hands.
Yes.
[laughter]
840 steps were taken... by Rob.
[audience] Oooh.
He was going fast. He looked like he was gonna die.
- Josh took over 1000. 1095. - [Bob] Whoa!
- [Rob] Wow! - Whoa.
Katherine, over 200 on each part of the body. 1263 steps.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, thank you.
How's that affected the final scoreboard?
The final scoreboard is very close at the top,
but with a score of 18, the winner of this episode
is Mr Josh Widdicombe!
[cheers and applause]
Josh is the winner.
Please, Josh, go up and collect the best prizes of all time!
[cheers and applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that in life, if you're battling demons,
and you need to be set free,
just get Alex to eat your face off.
But also we've learnt that Josh is the winner of all the best stuff,
so well done to Josh!
[cheers and applause]
[fanfare plays]
[applause]
Thirty-four hours of task-based television
and six million years of human evolution
have brought us to this monumental point in time.
Out five champions have all proven their worth
but only one of them can win.
Just one person can be the best of the best.
The greatest person ever...
to complete my important tasks.
It's now that I have to hand over to Alex to give us the final scores.
Well, at this point, I also should mention
that of course the winner will get this little trophy
to complete their Taskmaster set.
But in series one, we didn't have this trophy,
because we didn't know if we'd have another series.
So instead we gave them quite a cheap karate trophy.
So if Josh Widdicombe wins,
he will have to slot his karate trophy into the top of the statue.
And the others will...
The others will slot the head, which will be more satisfying.
- Fully understood. - OK.
So, I've totted up the scores.
In fifth place,
with 24 points, it's Bob Mortimer!
[cheers and applause]
In fourth place with 32 points, it's Noel Fielding!
[cheers and applause]
In third place with 35 points, it's Katherine Ryan.
[cheers and applause]
With 36 points, one point off the lead,
it's Rob Beckett!
[cheers and applause]
So the winner, with 37 points...
...is Josh Widdicombe! Josh, you've done it.
Well done, you've collected all the parts you need
- to complete the winner's trophy! - [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
The final task is to add the head!
You are the Taskmaster Champion of Champions!
Thank you, everyone.
Thanks for watching. Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]