(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (GRUNTS)
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
(KEYS CLACK)
- (GROANS)
- (EXCLAIMS)
- My name is Paul Williams.
- (GRUNTS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Oh!
- (STRAINS)
- (GRUNTS)
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou, and welcome to our third episode of Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and if you ask about me at that little smoky out-of-the-way Dannevirke pub,
they'll tell you what you need to know about me, and that is that I am the Taskmaster.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Five comedians have signed the necessary release forms
to allow them to put their bodies, their minds and other parts of themselves
through a series of character-defining challenges that we call tasks
all in the hope of going home with my golden skull in its trophy form.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- That's right. Those dedicated few from whom we will draw our delight are, as always, Chris Parker,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Josh Thomson,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Justine Smith,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Kura Forrester... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Paul Ego. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And at my side is a young whippersnapper hungry to make a name for himself.
Don't let those puppy-dog eyes fool you.
He will stop at nothing to get to the top. It's Paul Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Well, as always, due to budget constraints,
we asked our contestants to bring in their own prizes to play for. - (LAUGHS)
- What have we got this week?
- This week's prize task is their most prized childhood possession.
And the winner of tonight's episode will take home everyone's most prized childhood possessions,
like a primary school bully who is merely acting out because of their own issues at home.
(LAUGHTER)
- Let's start with Chris. - All right.
As a child, I had glue ear ― completely lost the ability to speak.
And then there just so happened to be this woman,
and she was doing a PhD in how to teach kids with glue ear how to speak again.
She taught me how to speak, and she got to do her PhD, and I guess passed ― or maybe shedidn't.
And then as a way to say thank you, she gave me a little tin car. And so here's the tincar.
- ALL: Aw.
- I know. It's sincere. - JUSTINE: Oh, it's so dusty.
- It looks like it was made in the '40s; it was made in the '90s. - It's filthy.
- From my perspective, what's happening here is we've gone Christchurch upbringing, tick;
blonde hair, tick; Hitler Youth outfit, tick;
1930s German car, tick. (LAUGHTER)
- You could interpret a very beautiful story about my little Helen Keller journey
of being able to hear for the first time and twist it in some sort of Nazi nightmare.
It's a beautiful story.
- Kura, what did you bring in?
- Well, I searched high and low and said, 'Mum, do I have any childhood possessions?'
And I couldn't believe it. She gave me a whole bag of all of my old school reports.
They're really prized possessions, because it turns out I've been a legend for a long time.
(LAUGHTER)
I've got them here to read.
READS: 'Kura needs to put more effort into her work.
'Her behaviour is inconsistent and can be inappropriate at times.'
- Finally, someone said it.
- I like the fact that you went to a school where the behaviour standards are
'of a high standard', 'appropriate', 'inappropriate at times' or 'of concern'.
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- It's also amazing she didn't tick 'inappropriate at times' considering she literally...
(LAUGHTER)
...used those exact words. (APPLAUSE)
- Are you gonna to say her work's from the Hitler Youth or just my childhood?
- Just yours. - Oh man. (LAUGHTER)
- Josh, what did you bring in?
- I grew up in the South Island on a farm,
so, naturally, I spent a lot of time running around paddocks dressed as a ninja.
(LAUGHTER)
It's a classic ninja get up there. Of course, ninjas need weapons, so I made a little wooden ninja star.
It doesn't throw very well, so then I made one out of nails. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
And that was awesome; I'm not gonna lie.
And then you sort of top the whole thing off with a sort of replica submachine gun.
Yeah, so just a chilled-out childhood there. Yeah, that's how I would roll around.
- So, there was a reasonably large ninja community inside Timaru?
- Oh, it's a pretty secret society, mate. I can't really talk about it. (LAUGHTER)
- Excellent. Justine.
- So for my childhood memory ― I'm also from Christchurch, but less kind of eurgh.
(LAUGHTER) - I'm not a Nazi.
- OK. OK. Just― Just calm down, Chris. (LAUGHTER)
Just calm down. - What have you started? - Please calm down.
When I was younger, my grandad played a banjolele as part of a comedy duo.
This is his joke book, which is a really precious thing to have, but also... (CRINGES)
(LAUGHTER)
- Why do you say that? - Well, you know, it was of a time, Jeremy.
Grandad was a comedian in the '50s and '60s. And, you know, things were a little bit different.
(LAUGHTER)
And I also put a photo of my beautiful grandad playing. - KURA: Wow.
- Paul, what did you bring in?
- OK, well, the thing I treasure the most, I brought with me.
So, this is my mum. (LAUGHTER)
There she is there. Hi, Marge.
So, she's still around. She's 87. I wanted to bring her in in person, but her knees are quite bad,
and she literally would not have been able to get over that step.
- JUSTINE: I know the feeling. - And, yeah, she's my most treasured thing, cos she's awesome.
- ALL: Aw.
(APPLAUSE) - Thank you, guys. - That's beautiful.
- It's not her. I just googled a picture of an old lady, but... (LAUGHTER)
No, it is her. It is her, yeah.
- OK, so whoever wins the episode tonight... - Yeah.
- ...takes home your mum. You're willing to give her away? - Oh, that'd be awesome.
That'd be― Like, if we could arrange that, that'd be really great. (LAUGHTER)
Cos, like, her retirement village is really expensive. (LAUGHTER)
- I would say just do keep that away from Josh, cos he will kick it in half.
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Can I just explain for the audience?
In a previous episode, I kicked a woman in half, and, you know, like,
jeez, you do it once, and, like, you kept going on and on about it. Like, let's move iton.
- Well, it's hard not to give you five points for bringing your mum. Five points for you, Paul, there.
- Thank you. Thank you very much. - Well done. (APPLAUSE)
- I love the story about the banjolele. That's four points for you, Justine.
- Thank you.
- Kura, I'll give you three. That's a middling score for a middling report, it turns out.
- Thank you. (LAUGHTER)
- I'm only gonna give you two points, Josh.
And then, unfortunately, I'll have no more of this Nazi shit. (LAUGHTER)
- It's a tin car from the '90s!
- Calm down.
- That means, incredibly, there are only four points separating first and last place.
- Fascinating. Fascinating. Shall we have our first task, then?
- Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.
If you're a fan of household chores or the TV show Taskmaster, you'll love this next one.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Is that you, Paul? - Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
- Always be ready. You know?
- JOSH: What a time to be alive. - 5.08.
- What? - That's the time... to be alive.
- Oh.
- You've set up a washing line?
- JUSTINE: This looks a bit houseworky, doesn't it?
- This is an icon from my past.
My brother and I used to hang upside down on these by our legs and spin each other around
and hit our heads on the concrete under the line. - Did you fall off a lot?
- No, he fell off a lot, though. He hasn't been the same since. But it was funny.
- Ai-ai-ai.
Run a full marathon. Fastest wins.
Just kidding.
- READS: 'Hang the washing out to dry.'
- 'You have two minutes to hang your washing following which Paul will spin the washing line once.'
- 'Most remaining hung items wins.' (GIGGLES)
- 'Your time starts now.' Are there any pegs?
- Are there any pegs?
- Where's the pegs? Aargh! (EXCLAIMS)
What the hell's in there?
- LAUGHS: Oh God.
- Is this the washing?
- What the hell's this? Bananas? - It's the washing. - It's silly is what this is.
(APPLAUSE)
- It is a silly task.
What was inside of the washing basket? - There was a total of 462 things.
Gummy snakes, bananas, CDs, some pens, cans of beans, a jacket, if you can believe it.
- OK, let's not leave them to hang out to dry any longer. Who are we seeing first?
- Here's everybody but Chris.
- Do these all count as individual items? - Yes.
- OK.
- Terrible.
- Eurgh. Whose are these tiny bras?
- Sexy bra.
- Well, (SCOFFS) clearly not mine.
- # Gotta hang them titties. Gotta hang them titties. #
- 90 seconds. - Aargh!
- Not a lot of time, mate, to do a successful load of washing.
- A xylophone?
- LAUGHS: Oh no!
(LAUGHTER)
Is that a banana in your pocket? - Yes. - Oh, OK. I thought so.
- (GRUNTS) Sad, sad 41-year-old man trying to hang up a sour worm.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) Hands off, please. Hands away.
It's not sour; it's just gummy. - Oh, I am under time pressure, Paul.
I haven't got time to properly identify lollies.
- Well, the sour ones usually have sugar on the outside.
- (SCOFFS) I know about the sour ones, Paul. There's only one sour worm here, and that's J Thomson.
- You happy with that? - (CHUCKLES) I hate that question. Eurgh! Um... Yup.
- Preparing for the spin.
- Just go soft. Just go soft; don't be a 'D' about it.
- Oh, that's too hard, isn't it?
- Oh!
- Go! Stayin'. Only one snake out.
- Ooh! This man knows how to hang up bananas, my friend.
- Are bananas counted individually? - It'll be up to the Taskmaster. - They should be.
- It's five bananas, yo.
- But they're all connected. - Yeah, but aren't we all? Aren't we all in this crazy world?
(APPLAUSE) - KURA: What the heck?
- What was going on with that spin?
- I was pretty consistent with the spin, but the― the― the things hanging, like, they really...
swung a lot. (LAUGHTER)
- Whose were the bras?
- I'm not sure who the bras w― I just found a lot of stuff around the house.
- You can be honest, Paul. Whose bras were they? - Yeah, Paul, ya slut.
(LAUGHTER)
- You can say they're your bras. - Honestly, answer. Whose bras were they?
- I can't. I don't know whose they were. - Tell us.
- I don't know. - We can tell when you're lying. (LAUGHTER)
Stop hiding your erection with the iPad. (LAUGHTER)
- From where I'm sitting, he could've done it with an iPhone. (LAUGHTER)
- So, Justine ― 11.
Kura ― 11.
Josh ― 17.
Paul ― 28.
- KURA: Wow! Nice. (APPLAUSE)
- You're amazed.
- I am amazed, because I'd forgotten that I'd actually stuffed a whole lot of extra stuff
into the pockets of the jacket. - Yes. Yeah, the pockets were huge.
- I thought I'd just put the bananas in, but, no, I'm amazing. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, we've got one more contestant, though, don't we?
- Yes. Chris Parker is his name. To hang things is his aim.
He has other, like, larger life goals as well, but I couldn't fit them in the poem.
It's Chris Parker.
- I've got two minutes. - One minute and 40 seconds. - Oh my gosh.
- Oh!
- WHISPERS: Chris. - 30 seconds.
- (GRUNTS) Tie that.
(APPLAUSE)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
You ready for the spin? - Yeah. Hell yeah.
Spin. Spin. Spin.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That is one thing you can say about the Nazis ― their technology was good.
(LAUGHTER)
- This whole episode's gonna be cut. (LAUGHTER)
I'll just be blurred out.
- Centrifugal force, obviously. You understand that as well.
You've gone with the basket on the inside. That was smart.
- Didn't think of that. (LAUGHTER)
But, sure, yeah. I mean, I played the centrifugal at high school. (LAUGHTER)
- Is that where you call it? - (LAUGHS)
- So, what were the scores in the end, Paul?
- Well, Kura and Justine both got 11.
- They can get two points each. - Yes!
- Two points each for Justine and Kura. - Yeah.
- Three points for Josh, four points for Paul, and five points for Chris. - Yeah.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) That's fair. - Working my way back up.
- We're gonna take a break so the oldies in the room can talk about the good old days,
when clotheslines were things that spun around in the back yard,
not small foldable horses that occupy half of your spare bedroom and mould up the walls.
See you in a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to our lucky third episode of our equally lucky third season of Taskmaster.
What lucky task have you got next for us, Paul?
- I personally think we should flag this one because it blows in the wind.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Oh!
I know what these are.
- Hula hoops. - Hula hoops, exactly.
- Ooh, that's very Olympics or something.
- Commonwealth Games.
- Oh, it's not sport, is it?
- All the information you need is in the task. - I think I'm gonna have to warm up.
- Got some cards there. - Yep.
- READS: 'Pick a card from Paul's dick...
'and build a big flag of the country written on your card.'
- 'Best big flag wins.'
- 'You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now!'
- Did you say 'deck'? - Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
- I have not been this excited about flags since the John Key referendum with the laser kiwi inthe eyes.
Do you remember that? - I do.
- Man, that was good. - That was a good one.
- We're looking for the best big flag here, aren't we? - Yes, yes. So, big and good.
- (LAUGHS) - That's what 'best' means. - Yeah.
Flying the flag for New Zealand, it's Josh Thomson.
- UAE.
Is that correct flag for the United Arab Emirates? I don't know if I've lost my mind.
It looks like the stars and stripes, but is...? Can I have a look at the other cards?
It doesn't say that I can't. - OK. - I could overpower you. OK.
Uruguay. So they're― Oh, it's a trick!
- (GASPS)
- OK. 'Of the country written on your card.' Can you Google UAE flag?
(LAUGHTER)
Mm, Paul, can you please grab all the red books?
- I've read all of these. - Yeah, no, no... OK.
Ow!
Thanks, Paul. Great.
Oh, actually, we don't need those. - Why?
- I just thought it'd be a mean thing to say. - Oh.
- Just kidding. That's― You've done great work. - OK.
- Jesus Christ. Sorry. Sorry.
There's a lot going on. There's a lot going on.
Come on! Come on!
Come on! Yes!
(PUFFS) Worth it.
These cucumbers will help.
Yep, yep. Shit yeah. I'm feeling these cucumbers.
These might be Lebanese cucumbers too.
Oh, if I say they're part of the UAE, that's racist, prob― I don't even...
Oh, my geography's very poor.
WHISPERS: I mean, that's pretty bloody good, mate.
Up there, it's gonna look bloody good.
I wouldn't be surprised if some citizens of the UAE just came in and just, 'Oh, better roll that up.'
And I'd be like, 'Oh, sorry, that's a bunch of stuff. It's not a real flag.'
Here it is ―
the United Arab Emirateses flag.
UAE! UAE!
UAE!
Whoops! What the hell's that? It's the goddam Burj Khalifa on the flag.
- The mailbox? - It's the Burj― It's the world's tallest building.
- Do you think the people of United Arab Erimate...? - What's that?
- Do you think the people of the United Arab Erimate...? - What's that, mate?
- Do you think the people of the United Arab Er― Emirates... are gonna like your flag?
- I think so.
It's the Burj Khalifa.
- JUSTINE: Oh no. Oh no.
- Yeah.
I think nothing quite says Dubai like a folded wheelchair, an upright letterbox and half a dozen'cumbers.
(LAUGHTER) - That's right, yeah.
And there's no reason why I can't use a wheelchair to make a flag.
It's very ableist of you to say that I shouldn't use one,
um, sitting up there in your mighty red throne with no wheels, you piece of shit.
(LAUGHTER)
But you're a great guy. You're a great guy. You're a wonderful man. Wonderful man.
- I don't know what's more disrespectful ―
what you guys did to the flag or the fact that you can't say 'United Arab Emirates'.
(LAUGHTER) - I can say it now.
- Say it now. - Say it.
- United Arab Emirates. - KURA: Nice. (APPLAUSE)
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Did I notice a sneaky little trick in there somewhere, Paul?
- Uh, well, there was a mix-up at the printing place, and, um, yeah, so, basically,
the flag pictured on Josh's card was USA, but the word written on his card was UAE.
- I'm getting angry. - And the task very clearly did say
to make the flag that was written on the card. - Oh, fuck.
(LAUGHTER)
- The air in the― - It's actually really mean. It's mean.
- (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
(HUFFS LOUDLY) - We're all gonna look like fools.
- The air in the studio has suddenly gone quite stale. (LAUGHTER)
Perhaps it's best we rip the Band-Aid off, Paul, and see who's next.
- These guys really know their flags. It's Chris, Paul, Justine and Kura.
- Brazil.
- 'Mehico'.
- Uruguay.
- I got Jamaica. Jamaican me crazy, you know what I mean, Paul?
- I don't understand. - EXHALES: OK.
- Honestly, we have lucked out.
- I don't know why I went in there. There's really nothing in there.
OK.
I'm gonna go in there again just to see if there's anything else.
- I want it to be massive. Let's do Brazil proud.
- And I just don't know if this is gonna be very big is the only thing.
- Have you ever been to Uruguay? - No, never. I'm not even sure where it is.
- It's right next to Argentina.
- Oh, yeah, I thought so, cos I was gonna say this is quite a similar flag to Argentina.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, Christ.
- I hope I'm making them proud at least.
- Do you have a favourite flag? - Do you wanna guess? It's got... many colours.
- Pride flag. - No.
- South Africa. - Why would you think Pride? - Cos it's got many colours.
Australia. - Oh, cos I'm gay? - No.
- You jerk.
- Do you think that's a good Jamaican flag?
- Yeah, I think it will be recognisable to anyone who knew their flags.
(LAUGHTER)
- And you'll see the Mexican flag flying up there.
You'll go, 'Ooh, time for some lasagne.'
- Isn't that Italian?
- Oh, it is now, but... didn't use to be.
- Do you think the people of Uruguay will be happy with this?
- Yeah!
I reckon they'll be, like, 'Cheer, bo.'
Do you think they say 'cheer, bo' in Uruguay? - Uh-huh.
Have you made many flags before? - Yup. A certain rainbow flag.
- Australia? - The Pride flag, Paul. - Oh.
- If there's any Mexican people in the surrounding area, they're gonna get quite emotional.
- If any Jamaican people watch this, what do you hope they feel when they see it?
- I hope they feel a surge of national pride in their beautiful flag and their wonderful country.
- 38 seconds. - 38 seconds. OK. Couple more bits of red.
Last two red things I've got ― couple of Crocs.
- Done.
- Mexican flag.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- It's meant to rain later.
- My name's Justine Smith, and I've― I've just made― I'm not drunk.
I've just made a flag of Jamaica. Look.
- Hi. I'm Kura, and this is my flag of Uruguay.
Ura-great-guy.
- Hi. I'm Paul Ego, and this is my flag from the country of 'Mehico'.
- Meu nome e Chris Parker, e essa e a bandeira do Brasil.
Sorry. I tried.
(APPLAUSE)
- I think the cruellest thing is making everybody say their name with their flag.
That was not very nice. - Yeah.
- I think I insisted on mine, (LAUGHTER)
- I'm just ashamed. - I realised when I got home that night after that task.
- How did you realise? - Oh, did you?
- Well, I've got an atlas in my bathroom with all the world flags,
and I was brushing my teeth, and I'm like... 'Fuck! Fuck.' (LAUGHTER)
- I just love the amount of confidence that you guys were going into that with.
That was the remarkable thing. - Do you know ― it wasn't confidence; it was trust.
And you guys― - That's true. - Yeah, yeah, true.
- You guys just shat all over that. - Yeah.
- I've used that printing guy before, and he makes a lot of mistakes.
(LAUGHTER)
- I don't wanna score that absolute abomination, but I suppose we have to.
- So, in terms of flag size, Josh's was also the biggest. - Mm-hm.
- Wow. - Yes, his was over 3.4m long.
- Here we go. Oh, there's Josh's.
So that's what it's meant to be on the top there, and that's what it is underneath.
- So, Josh's is pretty much spot on. - Mine's so close, though, eh.
- Mine's pretty close. Mine's just got one missing thing.
- CHRIS: Mine's really wrong. - Yes. (LAUGHTER)
- There's no excuses for mine. I really fucked it up.
- Chris made the Solomon Islands flag.
Justine made the Tanzanian flag. - Yep.
- Kura, Argentina.
And, Paul, of course, Italy.
- God, part of me knew it was Italy. (LAUGHTER)
I actually made a joke about lasagne while I was doing it. (LAUGHTER)
- I think in the end, Josh, if we score it, he's gotta get five points, right?
That's only fair. - OK. (APPLAUSE)
- Well done, mate.
- Ordinarily, I would say that everybody else gets zero
because you didn't achieve― complete the task properly.
However, there's some quite impressive craft that's gone on to this.
- Yes. - And so I think everybody else should get two points.
- Yes! Thank you. - We'll take it.
- Thank you, Taskmaster. - Thank you.
- Where does that leave the standings for this episode, Paul?
- Currently out in first place with 11 points ― Paul Ego. - Whoo! Go, Paul.
- It's time for a quick commercial break in which you can put your feet up and relax,
unless you're the geography teachers of Paul, Chris, Justine or Kura,
who will instead now be taking a good, hard look in the mirror.
We'll see you after the break. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where we've hung out the washing and travelled wildly around theglobe,
all in the hope of trying to find Paul Ego's 2D mother a new home.
What are we doing next, Paul Williams?
- Boo.
- SOFTLY: Oh (!) (LAUGHTER)
- Sorry for giving you a fright. Here's a task to calm your nerves.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
- Hi, Paul.
- Greetings, P Willy.
- It's bright, and it's hot, and I'm not just talking about your lovely face.
- Just in here, is it? - Yes, please. - OK.
I'm not gonna get punched by anything coming out of there, am I? - No.
- OK.
- Aargh!
- Oh!
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh my God. It actually scared me. - Sorry. - Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
- F― Oh!
- Foh?
- I have never opened a mailbox properly, and finally it has paid off.
- Scared to look.
READS: 'Do something that will frighten the Taskmaster.'
- 'Best fright wins.'
- 'You have 30 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
Jeremy. - Yes, please.
- 30 minutes to fright the Taskmaster.
Fuck you!
That's just in there in case the other one's not better. Sorry I had to swear at you.
I mean, you probably shouldn't...
It might ruin the fright if you're, like, part of it.
- How come? - Oh, you'll kinda know what's happening.
- Me? - Yeah.
Oh, frighten the Taskmasker― master― mask! (STAMMERS) - What? The Taskmaster.
'Do something to frighten the Taskmaster.' You're not the Taskmaster, you silly billy.
- I never said I was. - Oh, why did I frighten you?
- I'm not sure. It gave me a real fright.
(APPLAUSE) - JUSTINE: Oh no. I've done it again. I've done it again.
- I don't wanna seem overly brave, cos I'm not a particularly brave person,
but judging by how you guys have been going so far in this particular episode,
I have no concern here. (LAUGHTER)
At all.
- No, you could've worn your white pants today. You'll be fine.
- I mean, you guys were freaked out by those rubber snakes that were inside of the―
- Yeah, but one of them wasn't rubber. Do you remember? - Yes.
- There was one actual snake in there. It was a full-size kingsnake in there.
- Kingsnake? - Yeah, yeah. It killed three of the crew.
(LAUGHTER)
Did that not happen on your...? Must've hushed it up.
- We did try and get those prank snakes that jump out at you;
we couldn't find any, so we were really disappointed to get the plastic ones,
cos we were like, no one will get scared by these. (LAUGHTER)
And it turns out everyone will get scared by those.
- You're just constantly on edge, though.
It's like, normally, a letterbox full of rubber snakes wouldn't worry me;
on Taskmaster, it absolutely scared the shit out of me.
- Especially with you floating around like a little quiet, creepy ventriloquist puppet. It's...
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- It's haunting. You put us all on edge.
- Whose fearful torment do I have to put up with first, Paul? - First up, it's Josh Thomson.
- Ho do I frighten him? (SIGHS)
I could call him as the Department of Police or whatever they're called.
- The police. - That's the one.
(LINE RINGS) I didn't factor this in.
- VOICEMAIL: This is Jeremy Wells. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now,
but please leave your name and number after the beep.
- Hi, Jeremy. It's Brian from the IRD.
Um... We've just got a lot of problems with your tax fi...nancials.
GRUFF VOICE: I'm gonna come and touch your bum. I'll come touch your bum.
(BLUBBERS) In your bum. In your bum. (MUMBLES)
Oh, I panicked there.
- You were doing the tax thing, and then you kinda went to touching his bum.
- Yes, double-pronged. One, tax, then he's like, uh-oh, and then, like, in there.
- OK.
- He could follow it up. He wouldn't be expecting that.
- VOICEMAIL: Please leave your name and number after the beep.
- HIGH-PITCHED: Ooh, you're at your window now looking out. You know I'm in the bush.
Yeah, I'm walking around going sniff, sniff, sniff. I'm comin' for ya, Daddy.
I'm comin' for ya, Daddy.
I'm comin' for ya, Daddy, and I'm gonna come reeeeeeeaaal...
nice in the dark.
OK, but he wouldn't be expecting a third.
HIGH-PITCHED, WEAK VOICE: Yeah, gidday, mate. Uh, we've just gone over your contract,
and we're thinking about terminating it, so you won't be able to have a job any more.
This will affect you financially for a while.
IMITATES MATT HEATH: Yeah, mate, me and the guys at the ACC have been talking. We just don't think―
Your contributions are not really very good, so any self-confidence you might have should beless.
(SIGHS) (LINE RINGS)
I should've just run him over or something.
Hi, Jeremy. It's Jo― - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
He probably will get a fright when he sees he's missed lots of calls.
- That's right ― from the same number. Oh, then he'll know they're the same person.
People share phones, though.
- So you're saying the IRD guy, Jeremy's boss, one of his cricket commentary colleagues,
some guy in a bush, they're all sharing a phone.
- Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
- So, I need to read this, cos I need to get the quote exactly right.
'I'm coming for your daddy. I'm coming for you, Daddy. And I'm gonna come real nice...
'in the dark.' (LAUGHTER)
- Feels nice, eh? (LAUGHTER)
- See, my mind has got a lot of different sort of Joshes just sorta running around,...
- No, I can see that. - ...trying to figure out what to do.
- And I quote again, 'I'm coming for you, Daddy.
'I'm coming for you, Daddy, and I'm gonna come real nice in the dark.'
- I mean, it could mean a number of things.
And if you're listening to it now and you're disturbed, then it's having the correct effect.
So you're welcome.
- Well, the wound of fear is already open. Who's sliding a blade into it next, Paul?
- Our next contestant here is red, one of the scariest colours,
and her eyes are black ― just the middle bit, which is quite common, but still.
It's the very scary Justine Smith.
- Paul, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- You want me to leave? - Well, I suppose so.
- What's the issue? - If you see me setting stuff up, then it just gonna be stupid.
- Me? - Yeah.
- Jussie!
- I think I'm gonna go and look in the shed.
- Should I come? - Uh, yeah, you can come. - OK.
- It's lovely out here, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Like, a nice place, you know, if you were going to pick somewhere to die. It'd be quite niceout here.
- Are you gonna kill me in this forest?
Justine? - Come on, Paul.
Turn around.
- You've got 20 minutes and 14 seconds. - As have you.
- Gonna wax my eyebrows? - Hope so.
If you'd like to turn around and walk up the hill, please.
Well, I'm gonna stop you now. - OK.
- And take off your blindfold. (CHUCKLES)
OK.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Baaaaaaaaahhhh!
Are you frightened?
- Yeah. - OK.
Thank you. I'm gonna have a cup of tea, Paul.
- Do you think anyone's gonna beat that? - Nope.
- Oh, Jussie! (APPLAUSE)
- You've seen what's happened there, haven't you?
- Yeah, I have totally seen what's happened there, Jeremy.
It's just that I didn't think you deserved to be frightened, and I thought that I'd just use,
you know, your sidekick― I fucked that up so badly. (LAUGHTER)
I frightened Paul instead of you. - I was incredibly frightened, and on multiple levels,
cos I was scared of, obviously, dying, but also she taped up my eyebrows.
I was scared of losing those.
- There's no doubt that what Justine did to you was absolutely terrifying. It was just the wrongperson.
- Correct. - I feel sorry for myself in a lot of ways, cos I am the Taskmaster,
and I feel sorry for the show. I really feel for the TVNZ marketing department,
who have spent tens of thousands of dollars promoting the show to the outside world
that I am the Taskmaster and this is the Taskmaster,
and you haven't understood that as a contestant on the show. (LAUGHTER)
I gotta be honest ― you have scared me. - OK.
- Oh, that's good. There you go. - OK.
- But not on purpose, but you have scared me. - OK.
- Nothing quite feels like a better way to segue into some ads than attempted murder, doesit?
We'll see you after the break. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where up for grabs is a banjolele that once belonged to Justine Smith's grandfather.
At least, she thinks he was her grandfather. Accurately identifying people is not her strongpoint.
(LAUGHTER)
Paul, refresh us on where we are. - Our contestants are attempting to give you the biggest fright.
Josh left you some voice messages, and Justine tried to kill me with a medieval sword.
- Who's next, Paul? - I actually have a question.
If it was night-time and you were alone, coulda forest, er, make you feel quite scared?
(LAUGHTER)
- (KURA CACKLES)
Heh-heh-heh!
I'm crazy.
(RASPS)
(GURGLES)
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Scared? - PAUL EGO: Pretty scary.
- OK, cool. So, who's up next? (LAUGHTER)
- Aren't you―? Are you freaked? - It was quite scary. - Yes!
- That was a Berocca in the mouth, wasn't it?
- Yeah, it was really― That's why it was hard to speak.
I don't know if you've ever just chucked a Berocca in, but, boy, it's hard to talk,
especially when there's a strobe and you've got two eyes.
- Do you not usually have two eyes? (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS) Shut up, Paul. (LAUGHTER)
- Who's up next? - It's Chris Parker.
- Do we tell him I've died?
Do we get someone from production to call him and say Chris has had an accident?
Um, we need someone to call Jeremy and say Chris has fallen from the roof.
- Doing a task? - Doing a task.
- What was the task?
- It was, um, get the closest to the sun. You've got 20 minutes. Your time starts now.
And Chris got on the roof of the Taskmaster house, and he fell off.
He's in hospital. We had to get him choppered outta here.
- Is he gonna be OK? - See, this is working. Yeah.
It's not looking good. He's got two impalements. He's concussed. He broke his ankle.
He's got, like, a weird STI, but I don't think that was from the fall.
I think he just had that― That just came up in the doctor's... report.
And then maybe you could get on the phone and be like, 'Bro, this is crazy. I saw it happen.
'And did you hear ― he's also got crabs. They're starting to say it was from the accident,
'but I don't― I don't believe them.' What do you think?
- It sounds pretty scary. - I think I've pushed it a little bit into a comedy territory.
(CLATTERING, VEHICLE APPROACHES) - Um... - What the hell is that noise?
- There's someone coming in. Should we stop?
- Is this the owner of the house or something? - I don't know.
- Ew. What is this?
- Stop. Stop, please.
- Parker! - Oh my God. What the (BLEEP)? What the (BLEEP)?
My God. Paul! Paul! Oh my God! What the (BLEEP)'s going on?
- Get out of it! - What the (BLEEP)? What the (BLEEP)? Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh my God. Paul!
- Chris. - Paul!
- I...
Yeah, nah, he's gone. It's...
Yeah, someone just took him.
No, it's not part of it.
Stop filming.
Stop filming, please.
(APPLAUSE)
- Those guys seriously fucked me up.
- So, you were abducted. - Yeah.
- And I assume TVNZ paid the ransom. - They did, yeah. 20 bucks? (LAUGHTER)
I think most people would be like, 'Oh, man, that's scary.' Like, it could happen to anyone.(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Right. Well, we've got one more scaremonger amongst us, haven't we, Paul?
- Yes. It's New Zealand's tallest man, Paul Ego.
(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC)
- BREATHY VOICE: 'Hi.
'I'm Mikey Havoc
'of Mikey Havoc fame.
'And I'm here to talk to the Taskmaster.
'We used to work together, doing Havoc and Newsboy.
'Those were good days.
'Sexy days.
'Often I would undress
'in front of him
'and sit provocatively
'on a chair,
'like this one.'
It's a lot wider that I thought.
'And I would remove my clothing,
'and he would say, "No, Mr Havoc. I cannot fight your sexiness."
'And I said, "I am the Taskmaster today.
'"You do what I say."
# 'Happy birthday
# 'to you.
# 'Happy birthday
# 'to you.
# 'Happy birthday,
# 'Taskmaster.
# 'Happy birthday
# 'to you.' #
And just cut it there probably.
(APPLAUSE)
- How did you know Mikey did that to me? (LAUGHTER)
- I just had a sense, you know, and I didn't feel comfortable replaying it,
but I knew that it would bring back even harder memories for you.
- The past for many of us is a dark, dark place, and for me, there is no exception there.
- Mm. - Horrific. (LAUGHTER)
- I really regret doing that, and, um... (LAUGHTER)
- What about when you taped two bottles of sauce to your tits? (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, that was a hoot compared to that one. (LAUGHTER)
- Right. Now I need to decide who frightened me the most.
Paul, I'm gonna give you five points here,... - Thank you.
- ...cos that brought back something from my past which was quite scary. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Justine, I'll give you four points, because you scared me not knowing what was going on there.
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah!
- Kura, great use of a Berocca. Three points for you. - Thank you.
- Two points for you, Chris. (APPLAUSE)
And one point for Josh, cos I'm never gonna pick up those messages. - (GROANS)
Just― Just― Just close your eyes. Just close your eyes.
GRUFF VOICE: I'm coming for you, Daddy. (LAUGHTER)
I'm gonna come real good...
in the night. (LAUGHTER)
- Do you need to borrow Paul's iPad? (LAUGHTER)
- It's time for an advertisement and a brief moment to call my mummy and assure her that...
no, my friends at work aren't being mean to me. We'll see you after this. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's nearly time for our final task, but first,
let's slide up into the mechanical gears of this Wonka factory and retrieve the scores, please,Paul.
- With a whopping 16 points, the leader is Paul Ego.
- KURA: Yay! Nice. - CHRIS: Wow.
- Right. We're heading for a grandstand finish. Let's head up to the stairs for the final livetask.
Jeez, you look good standing behind that array of things. What's happening now?
- We're about to do a live task. Chris, could you please do the honours?
- READS: Choose your item.
- We're gonna start with Kura and move along one at a time to Paul.
- I would like this handbag, please. - JUSTINE: Ladylike.
- Chris Parker.
(LAUGHTER)
- I'd like this pumpkin, please.
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah!
- Josh Thomson.
- Should I do the walk you were doing backstage, Chris? - KURA: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
- Shit. (LAUGHTER)
- Justine Smith.
(LAUGHTER)
Frisbee.
- Ooh! - Ooh!
- I'ma light a fire. (LAUGHTER)
- JUSTINE: Oh no.
- READS: Sweep your item towards the drop. You have one sweep.
If your item drops, you will be eliminated.
The item swept closest to the edge without dropping wins.
- Yeah, no, this is all right, actually. - Oh no!
- We're gonna sweep from behind the red line.
- Cross the line as you...? - No. - OK.
- (JOSH LAUGHS HEARTILY) (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, no, that's... that's fucked.
- We're gonna go one at a time. - I'll do it with this one.
- And we're gonna start with Paul Ego.
- KURA: Go, Paul! - CHRIS: Go, Paul!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Justine.
(LAUGHTER) - Son of a bitch.
- PAUL EGO: Unlucky, Jus. Sorry, mate.
You can do it, mate. - KURA: Go, Joshie!
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
(APPLAUSE) - JUSTINE: And a good sound.
- It's incredibly close between those two.
- Weirdly, this isn't the first time I've done this. (LAUGHTER)
- KURA: Sweep that pumpkin. - Pump it.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
Go, Ku.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Got some points, though. - Well, that was absolutely sensational. Come on down.
Welcome back.
Well, Paul, who swept the field away and won that one?
- So, Kura finished third with 138.2cm.
And in first place by 8mm ―
only 51.8cm away from the edge of the stage, Paul Ego.
- Wow. Well done. - Wow. (APPLAUSE)
- Where does that leave the overall standings?
- Still out in first place with 54 points is Josh Thomson. - Wow.
- But, Paul Williams,
tonight's winner is who?
- A dominant performance with 21 points ― Paul Ego. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Paul Ego, it brings me great shame in saying this, but get up there and get stuck into your ownmother.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh my God. - I told her to watch this episode. (LAUGHTER)
- Up you go. - But I totally will. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, it's been a good night.
We've been reminded that there was a time when rotary clotheslines reigned supreme,
and we've seen that there's nothing more terrifying than a woman trying to kill someone
when she doesn't know who that someone is. (LAUGHTER)
Most importantly, we've seen that the winner of this third episode of Taskmaster is Paul Ego!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We'll see you next week. Pomarie.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (KURA EXCLAIMS) - JOSH: Oh no!
Oh no!
Oh, watch out, Paul!
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2022
- Are you ready? - We're ready. - Yeah.
- Go.
- (EXCLAIMS)
- ALL: This is fun!
- (LAUGHS) Bullshit, mate.
- It was easily the most uncomfortable experience I've ever had in my life.
- Taskmaster? More like Assmaster.
All right.