(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (GRUNTS)
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
- (TYPES)
- (GROANS)
- (EXCLAIMS)
- My name is Paul Williams.
- (GRUNTS)
(TYPES)
- Ooh!
(STRAINS)
- (GRUNTS)
(THUD!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou, and welcome to Taskmaster.
You may know me as a man called Jeremy Wells,
but as soon as you enter this area, all bets are off,
- and I officially become the Taskmaster. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Wow. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- And as the master of tasks, I've had the pleasure of
putting together a peculiar,
yet playful gaggle of problem-solvers,
all hoping to procure the prized possession
of my princely pate.
Those playful, participating pranksters
are Chris Parker,...
- (CHEERING) - ...Josh Thomson,...
- (CHEERING) - Justine Smith,...
- (CHEERING) - ...Kura Forrester,... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ...and Paul Ego! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- And as always, I have with me
one of the top two Pauls on the show ―
it's my assistant, Paul Williams!
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Big announcement ― it's our 25th episode. - Wow!
- So to celebrate, I got us some ice cream.
It melted slightly.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Well, I'll have two. So... - (LAUGHTER)
- Paul, I do believe our contestants have brought a prize for us all too.
- Tonight, everyone has been asked to bring in
their worst investment.
- ALL: Hmm.
- The best worst investment will receive five points.
And the winner of tonight's episode
will take home everybody's worst investments.
- (LAUGHTER) - Which, now that I've said it out loud,
doesn't actually sound that great.
- Let's see our worst investments.
- It's stressing me out. - (LAUGHTER)
- I just wanna clean your fucking hands. I can't.
- (LAUGHTER) - I'll have them later. Sorry. - Can you? Yeah. Yeah.
- I just wanna get a wet wipe and wipe him down. - (LAUGHTER)
- See what he's done to Santa's elf's chair?
- Looks like Santa's elf's... - (LAUGHTER) - It does.
- Got a bit too excited. - (LAUGHTER)
- Let's see our comedians' worst investment,
starting with the one who's had the most time on this planet to make bad investments ―
- Paul Ego. - (LAUGHTER) - Well,
my worst investment was something that I bought,
thinking, 'This is high-end tech ―
'I'm gonna have this for a long time.'
I bought two of these wired portable speakers
that plug into a phone. First of all,
this best thing is iPhone never changed their connector,
which was great (!) And then they never invented anything called Bluetooth (!)
Thank goodness. On the bright side,
- the sound is really shit. So... - (LAUGHTER)
- So, out of everything that you've done with your life,...
- Mm. - ...this is the worst investment?
- Oh, yeah, I've made heaps of really cool decisions,
- like coming on this show. - (LAUGHTER)
- Kura, what did you bring in?
- I invested in 2003,
for three years, in something that cost me a lot of money ―
$32,000,
to be precise. Yeah, big investment.
Don't have a hell of a lot to show for it.
No one's ever asked me to see it.
It is my degree in Performing Arts.
- (LAUGHTER)
- So does the winner of this prize get to take over your role on Shortland Street?
- Sure. They can have it. It's a piece of piss.
- (LAUGHTER) - Chris.
- Well, I really like watching the Antiques Roadshow. You know, when someone will come in,
and they'll be, like, 'Oh, I've been holding on to this piece of shit forever.' And then they'll be, like,
'That's worth £4000,'
and then they're, like, 'Wah!' And I was, like, Oh, that would be so great to have that experience.
And I have a plastic bag from Deka.
- (LAUGHTER) - BOTH: Wow.
- So I was, like, surely sitting on a goldmine here.
I called a local antiques dealer and got it valued,
- and she told me it was worthless. - (LAUGHTER)
- In 2019, a Pak 'n Save plastic bag
was bought for $52 on Trade Me.
- Imagine how much that's worth, the Deka bag. Pak 'n Save still exists.
- I'm starting to think, 'Fuck this antique dealer.' They lied to me. - Yeah.
- Justine. - So,... (CLEARS THROAT) as a kid, I was quite a show-off,
and I went through a brief period of thinking that I was gonna be a ventriloquist,...
- (LAUGHTER)
- ...and so I invested in a little puppet of myself.
- (LAUGHTER) - Ew! Oh!
- Oh! - Hold on.
- Hold on. That is a puppet of you? - Yeah.
- Jesus Christ. - It cost me about 300 or 400 bucks to have it made.
- 300 or 400 bucks? - Yeah.
- They got the skin tone right, though. - They did, didn't they?
- Seriously, if I go in the sun for five minutes, that's literally what I look like.
- (LAUGHTER) - Josh.
- Well, we've got some kids at our house.
- Oh, we own them. - (LAUGHTER)
- They're our kids.
But before they were born, we went to these birthing seminars,
and they made all these suggestions, like take a Swiss ball, food,
changes of clothing. So as a dutiful husband, I took all of it.
I carried all that in a backpack into the birthing clinic ―
- my wife didn't help at all. - (LAUGHTER)
- And it turns out that they've got all that stuff. So basically,
what I have on offer is a fully unused birthing kit.
people say You should invest in your children, but I say, don't bother.
- (LAUGHTER) - It's that tuna, that tin? Or what are the tins?
- Yeah, I took tuna in. My wife wasn't happy about that either.
- You know what? For taking tuna into a birthing suite,
- I'm gonna give you one point. - Oh! - Yeah.
There is enough smell and all sorts of things occurring in there ―
you do not need tinned tuna. Kura, I'm gonna give you two points.
The reason you're here is because of that $32,000.
It's partly responsible for that. Chris, I'm gonna give you three points,
because I seriously think that Deka bag is gonna be worth a lot of money in the future.
Paul, four points for you ― that is a completely useless investment.
- Thank you. - And five points to you, Justine ―
- that horrific puppet. - (CHEERING)
- So, we're pretty much near the halfway point here.
- How are the scores looking overall? - Out in first, with 70 points,
- Josh Thompson. - So we need to catch him. - Yeah.
- Wow. - 23 behind. - We're just chatting.
- Justine thought she was in first place. - No, I didn't!
- (LAUGHTER) - She's, like, 'We're doing well!'
- I was, like, 'No, we're coming last.' - (LAUGHTER)
- Paul, I'd like to invest in another task, please. What do you have for me?
- I have another task, and what a task it is!
- (WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Chris.
- The old goldfish bowl, eh?
- Ooh, a fishbowl. - Bit of a bowl of water here.
- Yes.
- Is this a trapdoor? - I don't think so, no.
- I guess I should... - Yes, please.
- What if it's, like, 'Don't touch the bowl,'
- but I touched it? - (LAUGHTER)
- READS: Throw water the furthest. - Further-est.
READS: Furthest. You have 50 minutes.
- READS: 'Your time starts now.' Throw it.
- Does the water have to stay in here?
- Are you gonna say,... - BOTH: All the information you need is in the task.
- When your girlfriend goes, 'Do you wanna go out for dinner,'
do you just go, 'All the information is in the task'?
- (APPLAUSE) - Yeah.
- I didn't know you had a girlfriend. - (LAUGHTER) - Ooh!
- You never ask me anything about myself.
- (LAUGHTER) - You're not allowed to have a girlfriend.
- It doesn't work like that. - Sorry. I'll break up with her after the show.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Who do I get to see heave the H2O first?
- These two love water, they drink it almost every day ―
it's Chris and Justine.
- Well, I've got a really good backup. Cos I was gonna throw it off the roof.
But this is something better.
- OK. - What are you thinking? - I'm thinking height.
- I've got an idea. Come with me.
- OK, I'm gonna get a ladder. I need a ladder. I need a ladder. Need a ladder. Where's the shed?
- Here's what I'm thinking ― we'll throw it into the water,
and then the water will carry it further.
- OK. Where's this water gonna carry it?
- Well, let's look at where the little waves are going.
- It's so heavy!
(GRUNTS)
(GIGGLES) This feels very unsafe.
- OK. Are we ready? Here we go.
- (LAUGHTER)
- (CHUCKLES) Off it goes.
- OK. - (LAUGHTER)
- OK. I think you might have to go for that one where it was over the fence.
- I don't think it quite got over the fence. - The fence is wet!
- Is it? - (LAUGHTER) - No.
- So, where should I measure to? - Well, probably wherever the river finishes,
cos that that'll be where it eventually all ends up.
- OK. - Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER) - Are you just throwing some water?
- Huh? - (LAUGHTER)
- Did you just throw some more water? - No, no, I was just getting this.
- Are you happy with that? - Yeah. Chuffed. Cheers, Paul.
- Thank you, Chris.
- (LAUGHTER)
- So, Chris, your water could still be travelling now.
- Yeah. - (LAUGHTER) - I will say, it's a lake.
- It's a lake, yeah. - (LAUGHTER) - Some lakes are, you know,
really still, whereas this lake was sort of...
- (LAUGHTER) - Whoa! - I mean,...
I'm not the Taskmaster, but I'd say phwoar ― nailed it.
- (LAUGHTER) - So, from where Chris threw the water,
- to the far end of the lake, is about 119m. - Oh, come on.
- But then from, from where he threw the water to the water,...
- No, no, no. - It was about 4.7m.
- That's pretty far. - (LAUGHTER)
- You were looking for extra height, Justine. - I was.
- I saw what you were up to. - Thank you. It was a health and safety nightmare,
getting on that ladder. I had so many people telling me off. I would have been much more daredevil,
- but apparently, it's dangerous. - Did you take wind into account?
- I had a little bit of wind that day, but...
- (LAUGHTER) - ...it didn't seem to help me in any way.
- That was why she wasn't allowed up the ladder. - (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah. - So a total of 9m and 10cm.
- Oh. Well done. - Wow. - Thank you.
- I think we've got some time to see some water throws. Who's up next?
- It's Josh Thompson and Kura Forrester.
- I'm going to try to hiff this bowl using a hammer-throw-style situation.
But I don't have to throw this bowl,
do I?
- But if I filled something up with water and chucked that, eh?
- Come on, Kura! Use your brain! - (LAUGHTER)
- It doesn't say without a duck, eh? - No. - (LAUGHTER)
- OK. Apologies if this hits you. - (LAUGHTER)
- Argh! - (LAUGHTER)
- Shithouse. Shithouse.
- (APPLAUSE) - Argh.
- (GRUNTS) It's been a while since I've thrown something.
While you measure that, I'm gonna keep trying to find things.
- Is there balloons?
- I've found a ball that I'm gonna throw. - OK.
- How much time have I got, Paul? - Two minutes and three seconds.
- OK. So, this ball's full of water.
But I just gotta tape it so that it doesn't come out when I biff it.
- (SIGHS) Oh! Argh! - (LAUGHTER)
- Do you want me to measure that? - No.
- OK. Now I just have to
gather all my strength for this throw.
- 80 seconds. - What the hell's 80 seconds?
- One minute and 20 seconds. - Oh, yeah, good. Right.
- Who's the best thrower you know? - Probably Valerie. - Yeah.
Dame Val, this one's for you, girl.
(GRUNTS)
Valerie...
Adams! That felt good. That felt good.
- Yes! - (APPLAUSE)
- Do you think Dame Val would have been proud of that, Kura?
- Yeah, I think she would have, yeah. - Smart thinking as well,
going for the containment of the water too.
- So, was it just some of the water? - It's just any water, right? - It's just water.
- I swear, even watching it back then, it was, like, 'Throw this water.'
- Yeah, this water in the bowl. - That was just a just a prop,
- just to get you thinking about water. - I swear I've been gaslit
- (LAUGHTER) - Same. Me too. Me too. Same.
- Also, more than one attempt, you guys ― that was smart.
- Yeah, well, I didn't know that. - (LAUGHTER) - I mean,
you threw all of it, then you couldn't have another go!
I was, like, I would love multiple attempts―
- Same. - ...but I'm throwing all the fucking water!
- (LAUGHTER) - Do you know how hard it is to find your water in a lake?
- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, you just sort it all out.
- Is that it? Maybe that'sit. Maybethat'sit.
- That's why I like to go for runs when it's raining ―
cos no one can see that you're crying.
- (LAUGHTER)
- That's the saddest moment in three seasons, isn't it, that there?
- Possibly. - Not as sad as one guy with two ice creams.
- (LAUGHTER)
- So, Josh threw his water a very
impressive 27m and 16cm.
- BOTH: Wow. - Awesome, Josh.
- My arm sore. - Some of it's water.
- Kura threw hers a whopping 32m.
- (CHEERING) - Whoa! - Wow.
- Well, we have one more aqua tosser to come. But first,...
- (LAUGHTER) - ...why don't you let our sponsors
toss a cleansing wave of consumerism over you in these ads?
We'll see you soon.
- (APPLAUSE)
- (WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Welcome back to Taskmaster. Tonight,
this lot are playing for a small pink woman
- that Justine used to put her hand inside. - (LAUGHTER)
- But right now, what's happening, Paul?
- Our contestants have been tasked with throwing water as far as possible.
Last but not least, it's Paul H2 E-go.
- (LAUGHTER)
- If I threw the water on myself,
and then I went a long distance,
- the water's still with me, right? - I guess.
- I think that's what I'm gonna do.
- OK.
- Argh! Ooh! Ooh! - (LAUGHTER)
- It is significantly colder than I thought it was gonna be. - (LAUGHTER)
- I've got it on me. I'm the water.
I'm the water, and I'm travelling. Travelling.
- I can just go for a 10-minute walk...
- (LAUGHTER) - and be miles away.
OK, so I reckon here.
I can still see the Taskmaster house.
I can see where I put the water on.
- OK. - This is how far I've got the water. I've thrown it.
- So you've thrown it? - Yeah, yeah. Well, I threw it on myself,
and then the water travelled with me to here, so...
- If the Taskmaster says it doesn't count, what would you say to that? - Well,
- I'd say he's an idiot. - (LAUGHTER) - Clearly,
this is valid.
- OK. - Ooh, he doesn't like that. - Yeah. Don't play that.
- Don't play that bit where I said he's an idiot. - OK.
- He's a great guy. I'll probably get dry now.
Water is a lot wetter than they lead you to believe,
you know, when you read about it in the magazines.
- And you've got the distance? - I'm gonna measure that now. I marked where you went to.
- OK. I mean, if you just put 300 in. I mean, it looks like 300.
- (LAUGHTER) - I think it's about 100.
- Let's say 180. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Talk us through what you were thinking there, exactly, Paul.
- First of all, I think you're a great guy and, um,... - (LAUGHTER)
just really intelligent and probably the most un-idiot-like person I've ever met.
Yeah, my theory was if I throw the water on myself,
the water is still with me, and then if I travel,
- I am the water. - (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, it's not far away from Chris' idea. - Yeah. No.
And if that logic plays out, my lake is fucking Piha.
- (LAUGHTER)
- You could argue that you travelled the water at that point,
but you then turned and walked back
to the point where you first threw the water.
- Yeah, but he was mean to measure where I went to.
- I think Paul should get zero.
- Oh man! - (LAUGHTER) - You went backwards.
- (LAUGHTER) - So how did everyone else go?
- We haven't spoken about Chris. - My very rapid lake.
- (LAUGHTER)
- I think Chris gets two, cos his did go until it touched the water.
- OK. So that's two points for Chris? - Yep.
- Three for Justine, four for Josh.
- (GASPS) This is the first one I've won. - (LAUGHTER)
- And after throwing water 32m, five points to Kura Forrester.
- Yeah! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Wow.
- Thanks. Thanks, guys. - Nice, mate.
- So, where does that leave our scoreboard, Paul?
- Out in first with eight points, Justine Smith.
- (CHEERING) - Wow! You did it! - Yay, me! I can't believe it!
- Now that we have whet our appetite
thoroughly, it's time for another task.
- This task has never been completed before,
so here's a piece of history.
- Hiya. - Hi, Paul.
- Hello, Justine. - You can call me Juzzy if you want.
- It's OK. - (SCOFFS) Thanks, Paul (!) (LAUGHTER)
- Ooh, pictures.
- It's Paul in lots of pictures.
- You've done a lot. I'm surprised you need to do this show,
- with all this stuff under your belt. - (LAUGHTER)
- I'll just have a quick read of this.
- READS: Make history.
Most memorable and influential moment wins.
- READS: You have 45 minutes. Your time starts now.
- Have you ever made history before? - Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
- What's something someone hasn't done for a while?
- For a while? - Forever, actually. - (LAUGHTER)
- Maybe I'll try and do something athletic ― that would be like making history for me.
- First gay man to go to the Moon?
- Has that happened? - I'm not sure.
- Has a gay man been to the Moon? - They usually go to Uranus.
- (LAUGHTER, CHEERING)
- Who do we want to get to watch make history first?
- There have been many great Pauls in history ― an apostle,
a Beatle, a Taskmaster's assistant.
Here's yet another Paul attempting to make history ―
it's Paul Ego.
- OK. I'm gonna make history in two ways.
Number one ― I've never run anywhere;
I've certainly not run 50m.
And number two, I'm gonna run 50m in Crocs.
- (LAUGHTER) - That's only been done once before,
and the record is, I think, seven seconds.
So I'm gonna try and beat the world record for 50m in Crocs,
and I'm gonna run like Tom Cruise does.
So much to offer.
I never do any running, so there's definitely
potential for me to hurt myself.
Start my watch...
now!
Tom Cruise run!
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Mission Impossible!
- (APPLAUSE)
- (MAJESTIC MUSIC)
- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah! - (LAUGHS) - So chic, so attractive (!)
- Well, let's hit the showers, eh? - OK. Me too? - Yeah.
- Oh, goes without saying. Let's go. - OK. - Whoo!
- (LAUGHTER) - OK. Well.
- Watching that, I am so surprised that you weren't some kind of
- athletics champion. - You and me both, Jeremy. - (LAUGHTER)
- So, Paul completed the 50m sprint, wearing Crocs,
- in just over 10 seconds. - Remarkable.
- 10.18. - Is that less than seven? - (LAUGHTER)
- Who gets to make history next? - She treats making history how I
treat making my bed ―
- she's never really done it. - (LAUGHTER) - It's Kura Forrester.
- Maybe I could try ringing Jacinda. - Do you have her number?
- Nah, but I've messaged her on Instagram before.
- It'd be pretty a good moment. - Yeah.
- Here's some proof that we've texted to each other before.
Oh!
- (LAUGHTER)
- Wow. - Just gonna text her.
READS: 'Hey, Jacinda. Firstly, good stuff with everything, mate. Heck of a time.
'I'm just doing a telly show and need to make history
'with a memorable and influential moment.
'Any suggestions? Thanks heaps.
'Kiss, kiss, kiss.' Too much?
- Maybe just two. - OK, I'm gonna send it. Send.
- You've got 34 minutes. - I'm gonna go have a look outside at some stuff.
- OK. - But I'll take this with me, just in case...
- OK. - ...the Prime Minister gets back to me.
- I could catch a goose. - (LAUGHTER)
- It'd be a pretty epic moment in history if I caught a goose.
Goosey! Goosey! You wanna make history, goose?
This is tricky, eh?
- What are some of your favourite historical moments?
- Probably, like, Whina Cooper walking the length of the country.
- Maybe I could walk real far. - We'll, you've got 26 minutes.
- Yeah.
- Hi, everyone. I'm Kura. - (LAUGHTER) - This is my tribute to Whina Cooper
and all those who have walked for a cause.
Here we go. Please start the clock.
- The clock has been going this whole time.
- (LAUGHTER) - Walk for peace! Time is short!
Time is money.
Wait. No, that's not the cause.
This, um, scarf is for Whina Cooper,
who walked the distance of New Zealand.
And I feel like I sort of know how she feels,...
cos it's pretty hot out here. What do we want?
More love! More money!
- More time! - More time?
- Like, longer weekends. - Oh, OK.
- (LAUGHTER) - Five-day a working weeks! Wait.
- Wait. - That's what it is. - (LAUGHTER)
- I'm trying not to get mad, because this is a peaceful protest,
- but I'm really fucked off at you. - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Far out. Oh!
- Thank you, Kura. - No worries. Thanks, Paul.
- (APPLAUSE) - Well, Dame Whina would have been proud of that.
- Yeah, I don't think so. - (LAUGHTER)
- So, did the Prime Minister ever get back to you? - Yeah, she did.
After that task, I went back and checked my vote,
and she had gotten back to me. I was, like, 'Oh!' I wrote ―
I meant to say filming, but I wrote, 'I'm just filling the next season.'
- Aw! - A typo to the Prime Minister.
- READS: I'm just filling the next season of Taskmaster.
I was trying to get your advice on a good historical moment.
You'll be pleased to know I went with a Whina Cooper re-enactment.
- (LAUGHTER) - She writes,... (GIGGLES)
'Ha. Good call. You're amongst the few people who could pull that off,
- 'I suspect.' - (LAUGHTER)
- That's good, cos I thought maybe you'd received it before,
- and she'd suggested the goose. - (LAUGHTER)
- As the saying goes, history never repeats.
But you can expect a healthy repetition of ad breaks within this broadcast.
We'll see you after this.
- (APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Welcome to this historic 25th episode of Taskmaster.
- (CHUCKLES) - Paul catch us up, please.
- We've seen Paul Ego sprint 50m,
- and we've seen Kura go for a walk in the yard. - (LAUGHTER)
- But there are still three more history-makers to come.
Up next, making history,
it's Chris... Chris...
- Chris-tory Parker. - (LAUGHTER) - Chris-tory Parker.
Wow. Paul,
look at that mighty huge rocket ship.
Six months in there alone, just you and I.
- Things are gonna get intimate. - (LAUGHTER)
- Let's do it for the gay kids.
- (MAJESTIC MUSIC)
- Whoa! Ooh, mind your head.
- Mind your head. - (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh my God! It's just flown just right up! - (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna die! Argh!
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, wow. Look, Paul ―
zero gravity.
- Hold on to your iPad. - (LAUGHTER) - Whoa.
Oh!
So, how are things going in your personal life?
- Not good. - Yeah. What's going on for you?
- What's not going right? - (SIGHS) - Everything's going wrong.
- Honestly, this spaceship mission couldn't have come at a better time for me.
I feel like I just hit a wall, you know?
And I was, like, 'What am I doing with my life? What am I doing with my life?'
Then I was, like, 'I'm gonna make history.
'I'm gonna be the first gay man on the Moon.'
And, like, as soon as I got that into my brain, it just felt like I've found a direction.
- Mm-hm.
- Look, Paul ― we've made it to The Moon!
Come on ― let's put our flag in the sand
and be the first gay man on the Moon.
- (LAUGHTER) - Oh!
Whoa! Whoa!
Hoping I don't fly away into outer space.
Oh! Oh!
This is one small step for man,
- one giant gay leap for gay men everywhere. - (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- How great is this, Paul? Paul?
Paul!
- Oh! - Argh!
- (LAUGHTER) - Oh!
Chris. Help me.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Help me.
- (APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
- First gay man on the Moon.
- It's about... - BOTH: ...bloody time. - I know.
- All the videos that I've seen of people that have gone into space or the Moon,
they have generally had some kind of helmet when they've walked on the Moon, which is amazing ―
- you didn't need that. - I had a helmet, didn't I?
- He had a bike helmet. - Yeah. Right.
- To protect the noggin in case I fell over and hit my head on the sand on the Moon.
- I guess you do have to worry about your head if you're doing one gay leap.
- Exactly. And I have really injured myself many times...
gay leaping.
- (LAUGHTER) - You sashay the wrong way,
you can get concussed.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Now you have come back down to Earth,
Paul, how about you give us another historical oracle?
- Up next, it's Josh Thompson.
Do you think anyone's gonna do anything more historic?
- You'd be hard pressed. You ever seen a cow drive a car?
- Mm-mm. No. - Operate a jousting stick?
- Mm-mm. - Shoot somebody,...
- (LAUGHTER) - ...let alone, a defenceless
- poor woman. - And even if I had seen all of that,
I hadn't seen it with a duck on the roof.
- Yeah, that's brought it home.
- (WESTERN-MOVIE MUSIC)
- (LAUGHTER)
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- Yeah!
- (LAUGHTER)
- Whoo! Yeah, that's what's up! - (LAUGHTER)
- Don't mess with the bovine posse, lady!
- (LAUGHTER) - No more handicap spots for you.
We're out of here. Ciao!
All right. Yeah!
- You think that's ever been done before? - I don't think so.
- (LAUGHTER) - I mean, that's...
- I feel sad now. - (APPLAUSE)
- That poor defenceless woman again. - Again!
- This is starting to look bad.
- BOTH: Yeah. - Yeah. Hey, there's only a woman mannequin in the shed,
- so if anything, you're making me be sexist. - (LAUGHTER)
- This is your doing. You're forcing me to just woman. - (LAUGHTER)
- It might not be a woman ― it could be a guy with tits.
- We don't know. - I'm right here, mate.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Unbelievable. - It's always, like, the wheelchair's so close by,
- every time as well. - BOTH: Yeah. - There's often a wheelchair.
- There's often a wheelchair as well. - BOTH: Yeah. - That's what inclusivity's about.
- Kicking them in the head? - If we aren't violent to people in wheelchairs,
- then do they have no place in society? - (LAUGHTER)
- Guys, let's join together. Why are you leaning away?
- OK. - (LAUGHTER)
- I think we should just take three seconds, just to distance ourselves from this.
- (LAUGHTER) - So if we just have silence for three seconds,
and then we can start again, I think that would be good.
- (LAUGHTER)
- And we're back. - (LAUGHTER)
- I'm starting to think we shouldn't be trying to change history.
Paul, who's up next?
- Making her-story, it's Justine Smith.
- It's 1893 here in New Zealand.
It's not a good time to be a woman, here in the country of Aotearoa.
It wasn't cool back then, and it's bad being a woman, cos of oppressors,
because of the white oppressor, such as this.
- (LAUGHTER) - And his cronies.
So I'm here to make a stand.
I'm taking off this harness that is trapping my good
woman boobies down to be what they ought to be.
So I'm gonna make a stand. I'm gonna take off this corset.
It's 1893. I've got a corset on, remember, it's not doing a very good job at the moment, but,you know,
so I'm gonna do it ― I'm taking a stand against the white oppressor for women.
No, we're not gonna take it. We're not gonna take it, guys.
We're gonna take off our bras worldwide.
We're gonna make a stand, let our nungies nung free.
What is this? An empty pan.
(SHRIEKS)
That is unacceptable.
(GRUNTS)
- (LAUGHTER) - Take that, oppressor.
And that's me, Justine Smith of the past,
present and future, making,
changing and rewriting history.
- (LAUGHTER)
- WHISPERS: More fan. Closer. - (APPLAUSE)
- So, you do understand that the idea of the task was to
- create history. - Sure. - Not to rewrite history.
- Not to.... - I created that to respect that, particularly,
a part of history that maybe, as a man, you're not really respecting.
- Well, it was tough for me. I seem to be getting the blame there.
- I wasn't really alive in 1893. - (LAUGHTER)
- Neither was I, believe it or not. - (LAUGHTER)
- But yours was the only picture there, Taskmaster. I'm sorry I had to use it.
You're a scapegoat. But you're definitely not an idiot.
- (LAUGHTER) - I guess you could say I recreated it,
but I created it in my own way, my own special,
- very weird way. - (LAUGHTER) - OK.
I gotta try and score this somehow. I think, Chris, you made history ―
first gay man on the Moon. Five points for you.
- Well done, Chris! - Brilliant. - (CHEERING)
- I think Paul Ego,
first man to run 50m,
in a pair of Crocs in under 11 seconds ― that is history.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Well done.
- Josh Thomson, I will give you one point,
because of the woman in the wheelchair bit.
And as I said, I need to send a message to you,
- and the viewers at home too, that that is unacceptable. - (LAUGHTER)
- It was the cow! I'm not in control of him. He's insane!
- And then you guys, I'll give two points each.
- Yes! - (APPLAUSE)
- Wow!
- Yes! Whoo!
- The goose thing was funny, and yours was so weird, Justine. It was quite good.
- Yes! The Prime Minister thanks you.
- (LAUGHTER) - Paul, I'd like you to go and put another one of those tasks
in the microwave, please. And whilst we wait,
here's a delightful collection of curated short films
that the cynics will tell you are ads.
- We'll see in a moment. - (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where have five ordinary New Zealand comedians
are changing the world, all in the hopes of winning some
- shitty speakers that don't even work. - (LAUGHTER)
- Paul Williams, I'd love another task, but first,
- what's our scoreboard looking like? - In first equal,
with 10 points, it's Chris and Justine.
- Oh! - Ooh! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Let's see if this next task can bring them closer together.
- Paul. - I feel like I should warn everybody ―
this next task is touching.
- Hello, Paul. - Hi, Paulie.
- Hello, Chris.
- (LAUGHTER) - Just trying out some new walks.
- Just a nice, simple one this time,
just the plinth and the envelope.
- No tricks. - READS: Touch the cow.
- This cow? - Yes, please.
- READS: The first person to touch the cow will be disqualified.
- READS: The second person will come third.
- READS: The third person will come second.
- READS: The fifth person will come forth. - READS: The fourth person will win.
READS: 'The second person will come third.' The third person, so I need four other people.
- So can I use these guys here? - To touch the cow?
- Yeah, well, it says second person or third person. They can't all be me.
- Um, you're not the only person...
- doing these tasks. - (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, I see. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Do you understand that, Paul?
- Paul doesn't even know what show he's on. - It turns out I'm the idiot.
- (LAUGHTER) - Let's not waste any time.
I am lactating at the gob to see this cow get touched.
- (LAUGHTER) - First up,
it's a couple of old cow touchers from way back ―
- here's Kura and Justine. (LAUGHTER) - Oh no!
I'm gonna wait for a bit.
- How long are you gonna wait for?
- Four minutes. - (LAUGHTER)
- I'm quite impulsive, so I'd touch it quickly.
So I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna stand here on this plinth.
- I'm so bored, already.
- No one's gonna touch it straight away, are they? So people are just gonna hang out.
They come over here, they're gonna see what Paul's up to.
- Did someone go nuts, though, and wait all day?
- I'm not actually touching you, though.
Not actually touching. Quite near it, though.
- I'm gonna touch it maybe around 4.20.
- Why 4.20? - Cos it's cool.
- OK. - Do you know why it's cool? - Mm-mm.
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's really looking at me like it's trying to give me a message.
- When were you touched?
- Who touched you?
- You show me where. Who touched you, boy?
Is it a boy cow? (LAUGHS)
- How long have I been? - You've been one minute,
- 26 seconds. - (LAUGHTER)
- 4.20. - OK, no. I'm gonna go a bit longer.
- OK. - I might see how I feel at 6.60. - Like the band?
- Yeah, which I know is seven minutes,
but I wanna call it 6.60.
- Are you touching it? - No, I'm thinking about touching it, Paul.
- (SIGHS) - (LAUGHTER)
- Probably gonna touch it soon.
- (SIGHS)
- (LAUGHTER)
- Stopped the clock. - I really hope I'm not first. That'd be shame-ohs.
- Thank you, Justine. - See ya. - (APPLAUSE)
- Shame! - I'm fascinated to know,
why did you guys decide to touch the cow when you did?
- Oh, so many whys, Jeremy. - (LAUGHTER)
- You get out there in the sun, you're losing your mind.
He's staring at it with his little stupid pad.
- Yeah, I just sort of wanted it to be over.
- Yeah. - I got bored and was, like... I should've,
- in hindsight, just maybe walked away and had a break. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I wish I'd done that too. - Yeah. Justine, uh,
touched the cow in three minutes and 37 seconds.
- (LAUGHTER)
- What about Kura? - Kura touched the cow, bang on 10 minutes.
- Ooh. - Mm. - 10 minutes.
- It's how long good things take. - (LAUGHTER)
- Let's see another toucher attempt this task, Paul.
- Here's two more touchers ― it's Paul and Josh.
- So, all I have to do is just touch the cow, and then hope that I'm the fourth person.
- Well, yes.
- Oh, unless someone had a meltdown and just thought, 'Touch the cow,' and then touchedit.
- (LAUGHTER) - I touched the cow.
- I think Paul Ego would have touched it straight away.
- Josh, I think, will be a slow and methodical toucher.
- (LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- Argh! - (LAUGHTER)
- I should have warned you. - Yeah.
- Although he does panic under pressure.
- Not the cow. Ooh, good. I was about to touch the cow.
- Wow! - (LAUGHTER) - Well, I'm such an idiot.
- Like that time he got attacked by that killer whale.
- I didn't hear about it. - Nah, it made all the papers.
I mean, he might think the cow is a killer whale, because the colours are so similar,
so that might make him panic.
- It's starting to make me very anxious.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Therefore, he might stay away from the cow for a long time, you see ―
maybe hewillbe the slowest.
- (WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
- Is this is a real...?
- (LAUGHTER)
- That'll be my first time touching a cow ― in 2022,
for sure. It's a shame, really. Cos touching a cow is really good for your mental health.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, I feel better.
- Cheers, P Willy. That was great. Keep up with the cow stuff.
- Be careful with that fence, please.
- Why's that? - Oh, just...
- Is it electrified? - ...you're breaking a lot of things right now.
- Yeah, well, I mean, OK,
to be honest, I don't understand... I mean,...
- yeah, I am. - (LAUGHTER)
The universe is saying that I'm overweight, I'm clumsy and I'm stupid.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Still, it's been quite upsetting.
- You guys know each other too well. - BOTH: Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)
- You went in for a quick touch there, Paul.
- Are you normally that quick to touch? - (LAUGHTER)
- I'm not answering that. - (LAUGHTER)
- There could be cows in the audience. - (LAUGHTER)
- Josh, would you say that you normally panic under pressure?
- (LAUGHTER) - Nah. Not me. I'm a real chilled-out guy.
- (LAUGHTER)
- How long did Paul take to touch?
- So, Paul touched the cow in 101 seconds. - (LAUGHTER)
- One minute 41. - And Josh touched the cow
in 26 minutes and 35 seconds.
- 26 minutes.
- The order currently is...
- Paul. - Yep. - Justine, Kura,
- then Josh. - OK. - The goal is to touch it fourth.
So it all comes down to what Chris does.
- But what do I need Chris to get? - You need Chris to be quicker than you.
- Yeah. - Come on, Chrissie! - (LAUGHTER)
- Here is Chris Parker touching a cow.
- (LAUGHTER)
- (WESTERN-MOVIE MUSIC)
- READS: Touch the cow. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- READS: First person to touch the cow will be disqualified!
- (APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
- I reckon I lost that one.
- (LAUGHTER)
- My issue here is I just run into these things as fast as I see them,
you know? Like, I just see the challenge, act immediately.
And I've just gotta stay more cool, calm and collected.
All right.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, Chris.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Yes! - Well, Paul, out of all the contestants,
- I'd love to know who touched the cow first. - (LAUGHTER)
- OK. Sorry ― I just need to crunch the numbers.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Chris touched it with a speedy time of 1.6 seconds,...
- Wow. - ...after he began reading the task.
- That's remarkable. - So impulsive. You say jump,
- I'll say, 'Yes, please, that sounds like fun.' - (LAUGHTER)
- So, what does that mean? - Zero points for Chris,
for being disqualified. Two points for Josh for touching it fifth.
Three points for Paul for touching it second.
Four points for Justine for touching it third.
And touching the cow fourth and receiving five points,
- Kura Forrester. - Yay! Yes! - Yay, Kura.
- Right on! - Yes! - There it is, New Zealand.
Take a moment to go and touch your cows and tell them you love them.
We'll see you after the break for our thrilling live task!
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to the most historic episode of Taskmaster to date.
We've got one task remaining, but first, Paul,
- what are the scores at the moment? - In first equal on 14 points,
- it's Justine and Kura. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh my gosh. As long as long as it's one of us. - WHISPERS: I know.
- It's time for everyone's favourite ― a live task.
- Please take to the stage. - (APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Right. This is exciting. Who's gonna be reading the task, Paul?
- Paul Ego. - READS: End up with the most duck-filled bucket.
At the start, peek inside your bucket
and say aloud the number of ducks within.
You do not have to tell the truth.
You will all have one turn each to either keep your bucket
or swap with another player.
If a swap occurs, both players will need to state again
the number of ducks within their new buckets.
Bucket with the most ducks at the end wins.
You may peek inside your bucket when instructed by Paul.
- So first, we're just looking inside the bucket
and declaring how many ducks are in our bucket.
- No looking! Shit.
- I can't see bloody...
- There are four ducks in my bucket.
- 12. - There are five ducks in my bucket.
- There are six ducks in my bucket. - (LAUGHTER)
- There am one ducks in my bucket. - (LAUGHTER)
- Chris Parker, would you like to keep your ducks or swap?
- I would like to...
- swap. - Who would you like to swap with?
- Josh. - I hope there's 12 in there for you,
- Chrissie boy. - Same.
- How many ducks are in your new bucket?
- Three. - (LAUGHTER) - Josh Thompson,
how many ducks are there in your new bucket?
- 12. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Would you like to keep your bucket of 12 ducks or would you like to swap?
- (LAUGHTER)
- I would like to keep mine, please. - (LAUGHTER)
- Justine Smith. - I'd like to swap my bucket with Kura.
- No one look at the buckets. - I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
- (LAUGHTER) - Me too. It's very stressful.
- Justine, you may look in your new bucket.
- There are seven ducks in my new bucket.
- Lucky! - (LAUGHTER)
- There are five ducks in my new bucket.
- Would you like to keep your current bucket or swap?
- I would like to keep my current
bucket o' ducks.
- Paul Ego. - Yeah, I've actually been asleep for the last couple of minutes
- (LAUGHTER)
- I would like to swap my bucket, please,
with Chris Parker.
- Controversial! - (LAUGHTER)
- I don't even wanna look. - (LAUGHTER)
- Oh fuck! - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Fuck! - (LAUGHTER) - Sorry, Chris.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- It might not have been clear, but that was one duck.
- (LAUGHTER)
- So this piece of shit thing.
- Oh. (GIGGLES) - (LAUGHTER) - Hang on. Yeah.
- Hang on. - I'll help you. - Nah, nah. OK. Nah, nah, nah, nah.
- Don't break it. - BOTH: Two ducks. - I have three ducks,
- and I won't be having a tantrum. - (LAUGHTER)
- Four ducks for Kura Forrester.
- And Paul Ego. - He doesn't even know what we're playing.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I'm so glad I swapped. - (LAUGHTER)
- Five ducks. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Well done, you duckers. Come on down, and we'll score the episode.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Have you got the results for the live task? - One point for Chris,
two points for Josh, three for Justine, four for Kura,
- and five points for Paul Ego. - (CHEERING) - So funny.
- That means the winner of episode five, with 18 points,
- Kura Forrester! - (CHEERING)
- Thank you! - (APPLAUSE) - Congratulations, Kura.
- You can go ahead and grab your bad investments. - (CHEERING)
- That wraps up this episode of Taskmaster.
Prop-based athletic records were smashed and an all-time
- cow-pitulation by Chris Parker. - (LAUGHTER)
- But mostly what was made was
another winner, in the form of Kura Forrester.
We'll see you next week. Pomarie. Goodnight.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Captions by Faith Hamblyn.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2022.
- I hear a cry for help!
I shall pursue.
- Argh!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Oh my God. - Piss! Piss! Piss, my arse!
- Let it out. - Come on.
- He's been letting it out all series. - (LAUGHTER)