(WHEEL CLICKS)
- Argh!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo.
- (GROANS)
- Argh!
- My name is Paul Williams.
- Argh!
- (GRUNTS)
- (TYPES)
- Ooh!
- (STRAINS)
- (GRUNTS)
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
- Kia ora, koutou. Welcome to the television show Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and like the Queen Street Santa,
I spend 10 months of the year stuffed in a broom cupboard,
only to be wheeled out, have my good eyes stuck back on
and put up here to leer down on all of you as the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And as always, I have five Christmassy little elves running around doing trivial tasks,
all hoping to earn my admiration and, ultimately, my golden head.
There it is there. Look at it. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Those little elves are ―
- Chris Parker,... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ...Josh Thompson,... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ...Justine Smith,... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kura Forester... - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- ...and Paul Ego. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- To my left is my very own Rudolph,... - (LAUGHTER)
with his lovable red nose and penchant for being ostracised by his peers ―
my sleigh guider, Paul Williams.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I actually went to the movies last night. And if you wouldn't mind,
I'd like to just do a really quick movie review.
- Yeah, great. - Movies are, in my opinion,
- one of the best things. - (LAUGHTER)
- They combine story, music and incredibly quick photos to create an extremely entertaining piece of art.
They are kind of like books, but way shorter,
and they are filled with your favourite celebrities ―
Owen Wilson, Jackie Chan.
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's meant to be on specific movies, not just, like,
- movies. - (LAUGHTER) - Oh. OK. Sorry.
- (LAUGHTER) - Let's unwrap our prize category, please.
- What do we have this week? - This week,
they've been asked to bring in the best thing the Taskmaster has never seen before.
- Show me something new. Starting with Paul Ego.
- I'm gonna show you something that you have never seen before.
Paul, if you can just― yeah, you come this way a bit. - OK.
- You look over there, Jeremy.
- (LAUGHTER)
OK. I'm just gonna send that to the screen.
Share.
- There we are. - (LAUGHTER)
- The back of your own head.
- (APPLAUSE)
- Hard to see that, normally. - (LAUGHTER)
- So, you do realise that, you know, when you go and get your hair cut―
- No, you mightn't realise this. - (LAUGHTER)
- I'm not familiar with the term. - When you go and get your hair cut,
they have a mirror. - Yeah, but they only go quickly,
'How's that. How's that? Is that OK? Is that OK? Is that OK? How's that?
'How's that? Is that good?' Now you can look at this for as long as you want.
- Jeremy does have a to-scale model of his head right next to him.
(LAUGHTER)
- Justine. - So, we have something at home that my husband loves,
which irritates me immensely. And so I brought that, hoping you'd like it,
but also hoping I could leave it here. So, um, I'm not sure if you've seen it before,
but it's a salt gun that kills insects.
- I have seen this before.
- Shit! - (LAUGHTER)
- Kura, what did you bring in? - Well, guys.
I recently became a mother...
to a fur― Argh! - AUDIENCE: Ooh. - To a fur baby.
So I really need to win tonight, because I've brought in my puppy, Tui. Here's a picture ofher.
- Oh, wow! - AUDIENCE: Aw.
- She does look quite cute and little here, right? But she's got a lot of mana, you know.
Like, people talk to her like,... (FALSETTO)'Ooh, hello, Tui.'
BASSILY: I talk to her like this.
- I'm like, 'Good morning, Tui. - (LAUGHTER)
'Would you like some biscuits?
'I'll pour you some biscuits, and then I'll pour me some biscuits,
'and we'll have some biscuits together.'
- What sort of dog is she? - She's a Cavachon. - A Cavachon?
- Yeah, her mum is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and her dad's a Bichon.
- Oh, Bichon. - No reira ― Cavachon.
- (LAUGHTER) - LAUGHS: No reira. - Cavachon is also for reflux ―
you can get it at the chemist.
- MAORI ACCENT: Don't you listen to him, Tui.
- You're a beautiful girl. - (LAUGHTER)
- Josh, what did you bring in? - Jeremy, do you like fishing?
- Love it. - Well, you'll be keen on some chum and some berley, then.
- Love a bit of berley. - Well,
don't you wish you could throw it out really far?
And throw out chum and berley with it as well?
Well, have I got the fish bait delivery system for you ― it's the David Thomson Air Cannon.
- (LAUGHTER)
- That is a compressed air cannon.
If you freeze a tube of water,
you put your fish bait in there, and you have some wire coming out the top.
You put the tube ― the frozen tube ― down the top, and it slides all the way down.
And then you thwang the valve in the middle,
- and it shoots out a heavy load of squid. - (LAUGHTER)
- There's actually a video of my own father doing it.
We did some test runs in the paddock there.
You drop that in there. He's tamping it down, makes sure it's got a good seal there.
He's pumping, pumping, pumping. Goes up to 120, 150 PSI.
And he's ready to shoot and...
- Bu-blammo! Bu-booyah! - (LAUGHTER)
- It's just so much fun.
You just straddle the air cannon
and fire salvo after salvo of your frozen squid deep into Moana's kelpy expanse.
- It's just a great way to spend a Sunday. - (LAUGHTER)
- I have visions of somebody walking out of the surf for a swim
and just getting completely taken out by a frozen squid capsule.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Chris, what did you bring in? - (LAUGHTER)
- Jeremy. I don't know. Have you seen...
this yet?
Have you seen it yet? It's not up there.
It's on you.
- It's been on you this whole season. - What is it?
- Have you checked your blazer pocket?
Nope, not that pen. - (LAUGHTER)
- Oh. - READS: Dear Taskmaster Jeremy Wells,
I just wanted to take this opportunity to formally apologise,
if my energy while filming has seemed a little stand-offish.
I don't know how to say this, except that I find your energy so sexually charged
and confusing that I don't know how to be in your presence.
In all honesty, I can barely look you in the eyes. Um, kind regards, Chris Parker.
- So good! (LAUGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Five points for Chris. - Wahey!
- (LAUGHTER)
- Four points for Josh, because I've never seen one of those before.
I have seen the back of my head.
I have unfortunately seen not only Tui,
but I've seen some of Tui's leavings,
so two points, two points, and two points as well, Juzzie,
because I've seen one of those things that I've got at my house.
So there we go ― two, two, two, four, five.
- (CHEERING)
I feel like I've seen it all now, but I haven't.
There's a task proper to be seen, isn't there, Paul?
- I have a little task with something that
nine out of 10 certified psychologists say is critical to the
well-being and happiness of an individual ―
friendship. I wouldn't know. - AUDIENCE: Aw.
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
- All right. Good God. - (LAUGHTER)
- Are you ready for me? Have you finished.
- We're ready. - Ready to go? This part of it? OK. This is very disturbing.
- CHUCKLES: It's remarkably creepy.
- A little bit of bling.
Ooh, bit a bling on the envelope, too. Lovely touch.
- I had one of these necklaces. - Who had the other half?
- Do you know what, though? I think I've had a few of these,
with a few different besties. I've lived a life, Paul.
- Let's focus on the task at hand.
READS: 'Turn this dummy into your best friend.' (EXCLAIMS)
- Your best friend must have a name and a backstory.
- Best best friend wins. You've 30 minutes. Your time starts now.
- I guess my current best friend's my wife. And so I―
- Without getting too descriptive, we're intimate. - (LAUGHTER)
SOFTLY: I've gotta make love to it, I guess.
For 30 minutes? I can't make love to this for 30 minutes.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Kura, I'm fascinated. You say that you've lived a life.
Obviously, there's the Sonny Bill Williams and the Pizza Hut incident.
- (LAUGHTER) - Anything else interesting?
- Yeah, lots of friends, lots of besties.
- How do those best friends know ― hearing on national television ―
that there are other best friends that have been best friends along the way?
- I think the ones that aren't my best friend any more will feel OK about it,
- cos they know what they did. - (LAUGHTER)
- Paul, we're looking for a best friend with a name and a backstory, aren't we?
- Aren't we all!
- (LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
- First up, it's Paul, Kura and Justine.
- This is gonna be his magnificent moustache.
- Ow. - (LAUGHTER)
- She's an ex-pirate. - Why did she stop being a pirate?
- Well, why does anyone stop being a pirate? Guilt. - (LAUGHTER)
- It's a beautiful dress. - It's quite saucy, isn't it?
- So I was in Intermediate, doing the Endeavour course,
just weirdly in the Hauraki Gulf.
We came across this boat full of pirates.
And I was, like, 'Oh, my God, pirates?'
Cos I've never seen them before.
Old G mate Gorothia came out and was,
like, 'Oh,
'oh, you don't need to worry.'
Friends do that, don't they? Like, 'Oh, fuck yeah.'
- This is my best mate, um, Consuela.
We met, not surprisingly, in Mexico.
I was 26. I was a bit lost. I mean, I was literally lost.
I didn't know I was in Mexico; I thought I was in Greymouth.
- This is a representation of Lucy, because Lucy is in heaven.
She died at the hands of a parkour person.
And these absolute losers who do parkour
just jumped on her and broke her neck.
She actually still had the imprint on her neck,
cos he'd really hit her so hard
that actually his balls had imprinted on her neck.
- I had this briefcase with me ― that's why I've kept it ― it was full of heroin.
You know, there was just a mix up on the baggage carousel.
I actually had some knock-off DVDs I was trying to sell.
So somewhere in Mexico, there's now a very pissed-off heroin dealer,
who's trying to sell some copies of, you know, sort of,
Marley and Me and Independence Day 2.
- IMITATES PIRATE: Pirate, pirate life. Forever.
- Lucy was a good woman, you know.
Didn't deserve to die death by balls. - No one deserves that.
- I ended up with all this heroin. I'm walking down the street.
I see Consuela slumped in a corner.
He started the conversation by asking me for some heroin,
which I thought was fair enough, cos I had this whole briefcase full.
- She really lost it when Pirates of the Caribbean came out,
cos she felt like they were...
appropriating her culture.
- We're very close, and that's why we are best friends, I think.
- Is he still using heroin? - Oh, yeah. Like a demon. Absolutely.
That's why he's not speaking at the moment ― he's catatonic.
- (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Plenty to unpack there. Justine.
So, Lucy ― your best friend ―
hard to know the story of how you met Lucy.
All I knew is she died from a parkour accident.
- So, we met at school, and we developed a mutual hate of parkour,
cos everyone who does parkour is an absolute fuckhead.
And this guy bounced off the wall and,
unfortunately, was doing a scissor kick,
and Lucy was in the middle of that scissors and,...
(LAUGHTER) ...uh, broke her trachea on a pair of very hard,
- tight testicles. - (LAUGHTER)
- Man! - That'd do it, eh? - (CHOKES) Imagine!
- Yeah, yeah. Not nice. - Not nice. - No.
- You're friend Gonorrhoea. - Gorothia. - Yeah, Gorothia.
- Gorothia. - (LAUGHTER) - You met at pirate killing?
- You know when you can go in the Endeavour sometimes?
Well, I was doing that at Intermediate,
and she was on her pirate ship.
And I was afraid, and she went,...
'Oh, fuck off, mate. All goods.'
- And that was just love at first sight. - (LAUGHTER)
- It's time for some sponsors' messages, while Paul Ego peddles his
remaining copies of Marley and Me to our unwitting studio audience.
- (LAUGHTER) - We'll see you after the break.
- (APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back. I hope you a nice pee,
- stretch and/or poo. What are we doing, Paul? - (LAUGHTER)
- We're watching our comedians make their very own best friends.
- Who are we gonna see next, Paul? - He's got 93.7 thousand friends on Instagram,
but here he is making himself another ― it's Chris Parker.
- Huge brag. Thank you.
Do you know what I think we should do, is take some holiday snaps.
Nothing brings friends together like an amazing trip.
Do you wanna come? - I'd love to come.
- You will be the third wheel. - That's OK. - (LAUGHTER)
- The Adventures of Chris and Sacky.
- And I'm coming as well. - He's a third wheel.
Go, Sacky. Let's go! We're gonna miss our flight.
- Ah, we're so excited! Look at the view. - (LAUGHTER)
Oh, my gosh, you guys. We've just landed in Africa. We're so tired.
And we've already got off to a really bad start,
because Sacky left their wig and their hat on the plane.
And we've lost Paul. Paul, where are you?!
- I was just here. - Where? - Just behind you.
- (LAUGHTER) - Oh, well,
we're determined to have a really good time.
Paul, make sure you're filming me and Sacky.
Oh my gosh. Look at our amazing boat that's gonna take us all the way to Germany from Africa.
Whoo-hoo! We're going to Germany.
Oh, it's a shame Paul couldn't come with us. He's such a pussy. He's scared of boats.
(GASPS) We're on the boat going to Germany,
and something's happened to Sacky. Oh my God!
- Sacky! Sacky! - (LAUGHTER)
- Are you OK? Oh God! We need Paul! He's a doctor.
Why didn't he come to Germany!?
- (LAUGHTER)
- SOBS: So, Sacky ripped their skin on a bit of the boat on the way to Germany,
and all their insides came out.
So we got an emergency helicopter all the way back to New Zealand.
I'm just holding this ― their lucky charm ― but I feel like we're gonna lose them.
But thank God they're in safe hands.
BREATHLESSLY: Paul here's gonna save Sacky's life.
Do you think Sacky's gonna make it?
- Yes.
- (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- That was a roller coaster of emotion.
- Just a classic OE experience.
- Yeah, well, just when everyone's starting to― the borders are opening,
and everyone's starting to think about international travel.
I mean, and then you see that. - I know. You've gotta be careful on those boats.
- Sometimes you'll rip your skin on them and all your sand'll come out. - (LAUGHTER)
- We've got one more best friend to see. And I, for one, am very nervous about them,
given the creator's track record with particularly the mannequins in the female form.
- (LAUGHTER) - Last but not least, it's the boys ―
it's Josh and Tony.
- OK, for the interests of, like, wholesomeness,
- I won't root it. OK? - (LAUGHTER)
- But I'm just saying, that was an option.
What a great day! It's greatest day of my life, Tony.
Here with my best friend, Tony, and my best wife,... first wife.
Well, I guess it's time for your best man speech, Tony, my best friend.
It was just over there that I met you.
You nearly stood on a rake and killed yourself, but I saved you with my life.
Oh, I love being out in the countryside. Here I am at an unfamiliar place.
FALSETTO: Wait! Watch out for that rake!
Oh my God! You saved my life. We're gonna be best friends forever.
The we went on a road trip. Whoa!
Whoo! Hey, Paul.
- Hello. - You suck.
- Tony, you're incorrigible. Wahey! - (LAUGHTER)
- Then I gave you a gift when we went camping.
What'd you say, Tony? You've got something for me.
GASPS: Oh my goodness. It's a best friend's necklace.
- Wow. We must be best friends. - (LAUGHTER) - Arguably the best.
Then I helped you meet this woman and gave you some tips later on for lovemaking.
Hey, what about this attractive woman over there?
I don't have the confidence to talk to her.
- What's that? Believe in myself. OK. - (LAUGHTER)
- Hi, attractive woman.
- Do you wanna be my life partner? Yes! Thanks, mate.
- (LAUGHTER) - Probably go have sex or something.
Love you, Josh. Love you, Tony.
Tony, you're my best friend.
Hooray! Hooray!
Oh my God. I'm crying. I'm crying. I'm crying.
- (APPLAUSE)
- Somehow I felt that that re-enactment with you and Tony,
and then going meeting your wife, and then going and having sex with her straight away,
- was strangely accurate. - (LAUGHTER)
- I'm a real player, and, uh, it's all thanks to Tony's sweet advice.
- (LAUGHTER) - It must have been hard for you,
being there and just seeing the likeness ―
- how real Tony looked. - A lot of the time,
Tony did look like he was doing a Nazi salute. I will say his arm was―
- I noticed that. - We've all got our faults.
You know, I have... (SPLUTTERS) problems with portion control.
And, um, Tony's a big Third Reich guy.
- (LAUGHTER)
- I can't in good conscience give five points to anyone,
because I would not wanna be any of your friends.
So I'm going to give Kura, Justine,
Josh and Paul all two points,
and then I'll give Sacky four.
- Fair. - Thank you, Taskmaster. - OK. You're missing out.
- No heroin for you. - (LAUGHTER)
- So what are the scores looking like now? - Out in first with nine points,
it's Chris Parker.
- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- I, Paul, for one, could do with another task.
What's in your digital fanny pack?
- (LAUGHTER) - Here, here, is, is,
another, another, task, task.
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
- My very own locker.
- BOTH: Ooh! - That's a lot of mirrors.
- Pretty hot, right?
- No comment. - (LAUGHTER)
- READS: Find your doppelganger.
- READS: You must bring your doppelganger to the studio record for episode eight.
- READS: Best doppelganger wins. Your time starts now.
- Do you have a celebrity doppelganger?
- I don't think so. Do you think I do?
- Hmm. - Be careful now, boy. - (LAUGHTER)
- This bit ―
- Jason Momoa. - (LAUGHTER)
- Probably Christopher Luxon, but I don't really wanna bring him. - (LAUGHTER)
- Go and find some hot bitch who looks like me. - (LAUGHTER)
- OK. - OK. - (APPLAUSE)
- (SCREAMS) Sorry.
There's just someone standing here to take me back upstairs,
and they gave me a heck of a fright.
- Do they look like you? - No. He's white.
I'm half white, but he'sreallywhite.
- Right. - Not in a bad way. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- So, we understand what's going on here?
You guys have to bring in a doppelganger.
And I believe we have some doppelgangers standing by somewhere lurking around.
- How do you know we're not them right now? - (LAUGHTER)
- There's five potentially familiar strangers lurking somewhere in the studio,
and we'll bring them out. But first, here's some ads.
- We'll see in a moment. - (APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster episode eight.
What's Happening Here, Paul?
- Many weeks ago at the Taskmaster Ranch,
we tasked our comedians with finding a doppelganger for tonight's show.
- And whose doppelganger are we going to meet first?
- Well, Jeremy, believe it or not,
our doppelgangers have actually been sitting here the whole time.
- You're kidding! Wow. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Look at that.
Well, it's a good opportunity, Paul, for me to ask you ―
I've always wanted to hear a Stick Man impersonation live.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Uh, sorry. I was just walking outside,
- and I don't know what I'm doing here. - (LAUGHTER)
- My name is Paolo, by the way, and I'm from Mexico.
- I don't know what I'm doing here. - (LAUGHTER)
- Kura, in terms of that Sonny Bill Pizza Hut situation,
with you two, how often do you revisit that in your mind?
- Look, every time I'm intimate, um, I go there,
to just really get to that place of pure pleasure, Jeremy.
- (LAUGHTER) - And it works every time.
- Most of the time. - (LAUGHTER)
- When I'm on my own, it works. - (LAUGHTER)
- Justine, you look fantastic tonight. Did you do your own make-up?
- Yes. Threw it in the air and ran into it. - (LAUGHTER)
- And this is what it looks like.
I didn't just wake up like this, like you.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Josh, must have been hard growing up in Timaru in the 1980s,
as the only person with Tongan ancestry.
- (LAUGHTER)
- No. - (LAUGHTER)
- I actually found living in the South Island, looking like this wasn't an issue.
- (LAUGHTER)
- I know the feeling. - (LAUGHTER)
- Chris, did you really have to hold back the inner bitch,
when you were on Celebrity Treasure Island?
- Nah. - (LAUGHTER)
- Just came naturally. - (LAUGHTER)
- Well, I'm gonna need something to compare this to.
- We have some people who look like these comedians standing nearby.
Up on the stage.
- (APPLAUSE)
- Uh, could we go for, um, Paul and Paul first,
- please? Jeepers creepers. - (LAUGHTER)
- Look at that. - Kura and Kura.
- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: We don't even need to wear the same clothes.
- (LAUGHTER) - Justine.
- Whoo-hoo!
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Josh and Josh.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Shit, that's good. - Josh, did you put that make-up on,
I suggested? - Uh, I did.
But then I realised I looked like Justin Trudeau going to a dress-up party.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Finally, Chris and Chris.
- You might not get the resemblance immediately when you see us side by side,
but he does this thing, and when I saw it, I was, like,
'Oh, my God, that completely looks like me.'
So if you could just do that, Chris, for me, cos I just think you'll see the resemblance.
- It's just crazy to me. - (SCREAMING)
- Yeah. Like, I saw this guy, and I was, like,
- 'Oh my God.' - (CHEERING)
- Whoa. - (LAUGHTER)
- Isn't it uncanny? - Uncanny.
- I don't even think we need the side by side on this one, to be honest.
- Other Josh, get up. Get up, get up.
- GROWLS: Yeah. Yes! - (LAUGHTER)
- Yes! Yes! - (WHISTLING)
- Take it off! Take it off! - (LAUGHTER) - Yes!
- Hump the floor! Hump the floor! - (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- I think in this situation, five points for everyone.
Congratulations, everyone. Five points.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - That's very good.
Our doppelgangers can head on backstage and pick up their $50 Prezzy Cards.
It's time for another task, please, Paul.
- Thank you, Jeremy. - (LAUGHTER)
Here it is ― a task from the Taskmaster house.
I worked very hard on it. I hope you like it.
Here it is.
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
- (GIGGLES)
- (SIGHS)
- Oh my goodness me.
- (GASPS)
- Whoa!
- Hey, P Willy. - Hello, Paul. - You've been busy.
Yes. (EXCLAIMS)
- Oh, that's really insulting, isn't it? When you walk in
and the caravan rocks like that. - Sorry.
- Jesus. This must be, what,
about $14 worth of Blu-Tack sticking these all up?
- At least. - Big budget on this show. - Yeah.
- Why are there so many tasks? Do I pick one?
- All the information you need is in the task. - CHUCKLES: Inthetask?
- I might start with this one.
Hee-hee-hee-hee. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- READS: Complete the task.
- READS: This is not the task. Fastest wins.
- READS: Your time started when you... (SHRIEKS) entered the caravan!
Why did I do all that cute 'hee-hee-hoo?'
- OK. Well, I guess I just have to go through the tasks and find it.
- READS: Complete the task. This is not the task.
Do you know which one the task is?
- I can't remember. Sorry. - (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Looks like a Taskmaster's wet dream in there with all of those tasks up on the wall.
There was more tasks than wall space.
- It reeked of hot wax in there too.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, is that what that was?
- Well, or Paul had been busy in there earlier. I don't know. - That's what I thought.
- Right. I'd like to see some ― if not a lot of ―
task opening, please, Paul. - Here's a lot of people.
It's Kura, Chris, Josh and Paul.
- I reckon we just get into it. READS: This is not the task.
- Not the task. Complete the task. That's not the task.
- This is not the task.
This is not the task. This is not the task.
- So they all say the same thing, apart from the one that does not say the same thing.
- Do you remember which one it was when you stuck them up?
- I'm sorry. - This is not the task. - I got very confused.
- Remember how my favourite bit always used to be opening these? Probs not now.
- (LAUGHTER) - 'This is not the task you're looking for,'
said Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Trek.
- OK, that's gotta be a clue.
READS: Dy-af-ang-weh.
- I can't really read it. - OK. - Do you know what that says?
- I think it's a different language. - Yeah.
- Is that Welsh? - Yeah.
- This one's in Te Reo. Are any in any other languages?
- Konnichiwa. That's Japanese.
- I don't have time to learn Japanese.
- Can we Google translate it? - If you want.
- Google translate.
- Do you have the power to do that? - Yeah. - Would you mind?
- OK. - That would be so helpful. Thank you.
- I could translate it with this. Come on,
the Wi-Fi. Oh, here we go.
READS: Complete the task. This does not work. Fastest wins.
The time began when you got in the car! Are you serious? They all say the same thing?
- Do you know what as well? I reckon, you've gotta change the...
the system. This is not the task.
Oh, look, I can just peek. This is not the task.
- Oh God. I hope the task is not cleaning up.
- Why are you looking over there? What's over there?
- My God. I could never be an athlete.
I'm exhausted from opening envelopes.
- This is the task!
- Thank you, Paul. Thank you.
READS: This is the task ― say 'thank you' to Paul. Fastest wins.
Your time started when you entered the caravan.
- READS: Say 'thank you' to Paul. Thank you.
- Thank you, Paul.
- Thank you, P Willy.
- I wish I'd picked that one first. - (LAUGHTER)
- (SIGHS) Knackered! That's why I don't work at the mail centre.
- (APPLAUSE)
- How did everyone's timings go?
- Kura took a total of 7 minutes 43.
Josh did it quicker ― 5 minutes 51.
- Paul went quicker, even still ― 3 minutes 38. - Wow. Nice.
- But Chris, the quickest of them all ―
- 3 minutes 24. - Wow.
- (APPLAUSE) - Just 14 seconds faster than Paul.
- The old squeeze and peek. - It worked well for you, the squeeze and peek.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah. - I might try that.
- There's also clubs you can go to and do that. - Yeah, yeah.
- Well, that's I learnt the technique. - (LAUGHTER)
- Let's see our final contestant and her gratitude to Paul.
- I will forever be thanking this woman.
She once saved my life ― it's Juzzie of The Reef.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Complete the task, etc.
Complete the task, etc.
Is there a task in here?
- There's quite a few tasks. - (LAUGHTER)
- Oh. Tasuku o kanryo shimasu.
That must be the same in Japanese.
Or French, maybe. Finissez la tache.
Ce n'est pas la tache. Le plus rapid gagne.
Votre temps se commence lorsque vous etes entre dans le caravan.
Do you like that French accent? - I really did.
Thanks. Oh, yep.
- Maori. - Thank you, Justine. - What?
Do you like that French accent? - I really did. - Thanks.
SLOW MOTION: Thanks.
Thank you, Justine ―
am I finished?
- Yeah.
- You said fastest― Have I won?
- Yeah. - Wow. - (LAUGHTER)
- You finished the task. - Did I? - Yeah.
- OK. - Thank you, Justine.
- Oh. Thank you, Paul. - (LAUGHTER) - That's the weirdest task yet.
- Are you happy with that? - I don't know. - OK.
Thank you. - Thank you, Paul.
- That's not the first time we've seen Justine
obliviously nail a task.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Goes to show what good character and manners can do, actually.
- Thank you. Thank you. - I suppose that's five points for Justine.
- You would suppose that. However,
she was still the slowest.
- Aw. - 8 minutes and 23 seconds.
- What a build-up! - 8 minutes and 23 seconds?
- Yes, she quite enjoyed trying to speak the other languages.
- Yeah. I was trying to show off a little bit.
- Great manners, though. Great manners. - (LAUGHTER)
- So as it currently stands ― Justine the slowest,
followed by Kura, then Josh, then Paul,
and then Chris in front with 3 minutes 24.
- However... - What have I done?
- You have done nothing. - Oh. - It is I who has done something.
I have an apology to make to one of the contestants.
Well, actually, here's a clip.
- Dy-af-ang-weh.
I can't really read it. - OK.
- Can we Google translate it? - If you want.
- Would you mind? - OK.
- That would be so helpful. Thank you.
- ALL: Ooh.
- SLOW MOTION: Thank you.
- So, Kura said 'thank you' earlier, and you missed it.
- I'm truly sorry.
But that does mean that Kura said 'thank you'
in 2 minutes and 1 second. - Wow.
- Thanks. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Meaning one point for Justine, two points for Josh, three for Paul,
four for Chris and five points for Kura Forrester.
- Thank you. Thanks.
- Let's allow that stirring moral lesson to sink in,
whilst we let you also sink in to some cold, hard ads.
We'll see you after the break.
- (APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster. We've had three tasks,
five comedians, five best friends and five lookalikes.
But we're still no closer to knowing
who's going home with Kura's puppy.
- I did not think this through. - You did not think that through at all.
- I hope I'm winning. - All right, P Willy,
shake that little tail feather of yours and conjure me up another task.
- This task involves some familiar faces.
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
- Ooh.
Shit. What is this? I need to warm up my shoulder, don't I?
- Look who it is.
- It's my best mate. And you're gonna make me fire an arrow at her. - (LAUGHTER)
- Consuela. Good to see him again.
- Hi, Lucy.
- Hi, Sacky. How are ya?
- There's a guy. He's got an apple. - Is that a guy? - It does look like Tony.
- READS: Hit the apple on your best friend's head.
- Using the weapons from Paul's armoury.
- You cannot pass or move the rope barrier.
- Fewest shots win. Your time starts now.
- Spear ― good. Pitchfork. Is that a toaster?
- Yeah. - OK. - It's, like, for bread.
You put bread in there. - Yeah. I've used a toaster. - OK.
- You know, I have to really think about this.
Sacky has really gone through it.
Basically open-heart surgery.
- Can you please pass me all the stuff?
- So, none of you seemed at all upset
that any of your best friends were tied to a chair.
- Well, honestly, it was nothing compared to the open-heart surgery.
- Yeah. Gorothia's used to it.
- Lucy's already dead, so... - (LAUGHTER)
- With this task, you're firing at the apple?
Or you can smash the best friend, and the apple falls off?
- I mean, I would try and avoid smashing my best friend,
personally. So what we're looking for
is a direct hit of the apple off the head, yes.
Up first ― Chris and Sacky,
Paul and Consuela and Josh and Tony.
- Is that a microwave? - Toaster. - Huh. Random.
- But if you need toast.
- This is huge. - It does six slices of Vogel's.
- (LAUGHTER) - Ooh.
- (LAUGHTER) - Fuck, that felt good.
- Ooh. - AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Well, the apple's off.
- Did it knock the apple off? It looked like it just stabbed him in the leg.
- Look, it doesn't say it has to hit the apple;
it says― Oh, it does say 'Hit the apple.'
- (LAUGHTER)
- That hit in the chest. - WHISPERS: Yep.
- Can I have the spear? How often do you get to chuck a spear?
- Here's the thing. It's, like, is it worth the points,
to just have a good time? Points are amazing,
but so is...
Ooh, that felt good!
- (EXHALES) - You hit your best friend.
- Well, glancing blow on the shoulder. He'll be all right.
- Just gotta throw harder. - (LAUGHTER)
- I mean, it kinda hit.
- The apple!
- That hit the apple. - Yeah!
- I think that hit the apple off.
What are you doing? - I'm gonna throw a spear at Tony.
- Have you and Tony had a falling out? - No,
but when was the last time you threw a spear at someone?
- (LAUGHTER)
- Can I try the bow and arrow? Just for fun?
And if you just go and stand next to my best mate and just put that apple on your head.
- On my head? - Yes, please.
GASPS: Oh! So close.
- Chuck me the pitchfork. - (APPLAUSE, CHEERING, LAUGHTER)
- Is it nice hiffing a toaster at your best friend?
- It just felt great, throwing things.
Like, you don't often get to do that stuff.
I've wanted to throw our toaster at home for years.
- (LAUGHTER) - You know, I put a slice of Vogel's
in it in 1978, and it came up yesterday.
- (LAUGHTER)
- So Paul Ego took eight tosses to hit his best friend's apple off his head.
- OK. - Josh ― three hiffs with the toaster.
And Chris also only took three.
- (APPLAUSE)
- Up next, it's best friends Justine and Lucy
- and Kura and Gorothia. - (LAUGHTER)
- Can I have the bucket of rocks? I mean, you'd be a lunatic to use the spear.
And I have to biff rocks at my best friend, Lucy.
- It doesn't matter if I bowl her over, eh?
- Well, I mean, it's your best friend.
- Come on, for best friend's sake. Oh.
- (GRUNTS) - Oh.
- Argh!
- Oh! - (LAUGHTER)
- (GRUNTS) - Oh, you stupid idiot!
- Give me that big javelin thing, please.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Can I please have a coconut? I'm pissed off now.
Ooh, yeah. That's the ticket.
- (GROANS) - You wanna actually hit the apple. - I know.
- Yep. Thank you. - (LAUGHTER)
- Oh! It's so beautiful! - (APPLAUSE)
- You hit her in the face quite a few times. - I did hit her in the face
and in the boob. (GRUNTS)
God! That is so close!
- (LAUGHTER) - (SCREAMS)
- ALL: Wahey! - (LAUGHTER)
- I think that knocked the apple off. - I do too.
- OK. - I've finished. - OK.
- (APPLAUSE)
- I mean, for what Lucy's been through
and the way that she died with the balls to the face,
that must have been bloody torture for her.
- I don't give a shit about Lucy.
I was the one out there in the sun, sweating my arse off,
chucking coconuts at a piece of fuckin' stuffed fabric,
- you know? - (LAUGHTER)
- I reckon Juzzie's at breaking point right now.
- VOICE BREAKS: Yep. - But if she's gonna make a scene,
- what a dress to do it in! - True, true. - (LAUGHTER)
- So, Kura hit the apple in 17 goes,
with a very clean hit,
and Justine very nearly on the third attempt,
and then properly on the 87th attempt.
- (ALL GASP) - Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
- Oh, Juzzie. - Oh my God.
- BOTH: 87.
- So that's one point for Justine, two points for Kura,
three points for Paul, and in first equal ―
- five points each for Josh and Chris. - Well done.
- (CHEERING)
- Go give your best friend a text or a call and tell them you love them!
We'll be back for more after the break.
- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Welcome back to the final part of our eighth episode of Taskmaster.
On the line is something Woman's Day Magazine would no doubt pay good money for ―
- a photo of the back of my head. - (LAUGHTER)
- But first ― who is in front?
- In first place with 23 points,
- Chris Parker. - Ooh! - (APPLAUSE)
- All right, comedians. Bring yourself to an upright position
and put one leg in front of the other until you reach the stage,
for our live task.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I'll tell you what, Paul ― if you took off your clothes, and when you stood in the middle there,
- it looked like one of my mum's nude art classes. - (LAUGHTER)
Don't do that. Who's gonna read the task?
- The episode leader, Chris Parker.
- READS: Draw a stunning self-portrait,
while playing tag.
- (LAUGHTER)
- READS: When you are 'it', you cannot draw.
You must crawl on all fours
until you tag another player.
No backsies.
The person reading this task will start being 'it'.
The most stunning self-portrait wins.
You have 120 seconds.
- Your time starts on Paul's whistle. - (LAUGHTER)
- (SNIFFS) Oh, I was gonna get― (SNIFFS) Oh, ooh. - (LAUGHTER)
- Artists ready? - BOTH: Yeah.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- (JAUNTY MUSIC) - BOTH: Come on, Juzzie!
- (CHEERING)
(WHOOPING, LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHTER) - BOTH: Come on!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Oh!
- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, Juzzie!
- (LAUGHTER) - Come on, Juzzie! Come on!
- (LAUGHTER, SCREAMING)
(LAUGHTER)
- Come on, Juzzie!
- Oh!
- Argh! - Hey! - (LAUGHTER)
- Whoo! - I'm exhausted!
- (WHOOPING)
- (LAUGHTER) - Hi-yah!
Argh!
- Ah-ha-ha! - (LAUGHTER)
- Come on, Kura! - (LAUGHTER)
- (GROANS) Chris, tag out.
Thanks, brah.
- Argh! - (LAUGHTER)
- Don't get me! Don't!
- Come on, Juzzie!
- (LAUGHTER) - You've got 30 seconds.
- (SHOUTING, SCREAMING, LAUGHTER)
- Argh!
- 20 seconds.
- (SCREAMS) - (APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
- BOTH: Whoo!
- (LAUGHTER)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) That's time.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Shall we start at this end? - Let's see Chris's first.
- Hello, my name is Chris Parker, and this is my picture.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Uncanny likeness, Chris.
And the love hearts as well. That's beautiful.
- I just really wanted to, um, embody my experience about being on this show ―
I'm loving it. - Oh, that's nice. - GOOFY VOICE: Hello.
- Um, this is mine.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- It's really good. - You've got a real style. - Yeah, I got a real style.
On reflection, I realise just my head looks very cock-and-ball-ish.
- Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)
- Got a little assist there from my friend Kura.
'I heart Kura.' Thanks, mate.
And consequently, I'm walking Kura's little dog.
- Cute. - Justine.
- This is my portrait of myself. - That's so good! - Wow.
- (APPLAUSE) - (LAUGHS)
- Va-va-voom.
- I've got a cocktail here and a little special cigarette here.
And this is my picture.
- Kura, let's have a look at yours. - Hi, I'm Kura,
and this is my picture.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- It's kind of minimal cos I spent lots of time on my knees.
- (LAUGHTER)
- And I got a little assist from my mate, it says, 'I love Josh,'
which is true. - AUDIENCE: Aw. - Can't wait to see yours, Paul Ego.
- Hi, I'm Paul Ego, and this is my self-portrait. - (LAUGHTER)
- This is my very bald, dome-like head.
I don't know what happened with my arms. They kind of went a bit weird.
And I tried to do genitals, but they're not great.
- (LAUGHTER) - And it says, 'Hi. I'm Paul.'
- Aw, fantastic. - (APPLAUSE)
- Thank you. - It's gorgeous.
- Use your feet, like you're meant to, and come on down.
- Thanks, man. - (APPLAUSE)
- Nice to have everyone back.
Look, there's some impressive drawing there.
I thought, Paul ― you get one point.
I didn't like your body proportions.
Kura, you get two points. Three points for you, Josh.
Four points for Chris and five points for Justine ―
- a beautiful piece of art. - (CHEERING)
- Real good. - So what does that mean for the episode?
- He's won three in a row. - Wow.
- The winner of episode eight ― Chris Parker.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Congratulations to Chris Parker.
Go claim your prize and make Kura regret bringing a prize task
that simply solved her lack of a dog-sitter.
- Away you go, Chris. - (CHEERING)
That's our show. We've seen best friends come and go,
and a collection of five Auckland personalities
more desperate to be on TV than our usual five.
And we've seen that our winner tonight, of course,
- is Chris Parker! - (APPLAUSE)
- We will be back here next week for our second-to-last episode of the season.
We look forward to seeing you. Pomarie.
Goodnight.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2022.
- BOTH: Aw!
- CUTESY VOICE: You want some biscuits?
- (CHEERING)
- What do you think about big men and milk?
- Yeah, it's good.
- The mystery here is why you think I would care about this.
- Excuse your fucking mouth.
- Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?
- This is really intense.
I'm gonna crash in about 20 minutes.
But currently pretty good.