(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (GRUNTS)
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
(KEYS CLACK)
- (GROANS)
- (EXCLAIMS)
- My name is Paul Williams.
- (GRUNTS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Oh!
- (STRAINS)
- (GRUNTS)
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
- Kia ora koutou and welcome to the final episode of Taskmaster.
I am Jeremy Wells, but through many layers of smoke, mirrors and Oscar-worthy makeup,
you know me better as The Taskmaster.
(APPLAUSE)
The last nine weeks have seen five comedians put their minds and bodies through ordeals
that can only be described as unholy ―
(LAUGHTER) - all with the aim of walking away as Taskmaster champion
and proud owner of my big head in golden statue form.
(AUDIENCE 'OOH'S)
Those comedians facing the final ascent are ―
Chris Parker,
Josh Thompson,
- Well, all right.
Justine Smith,
Kura Forrester,
and Paul Ego.
(APPLAUSE)
And the Sherpa who carries all my luggage while I take the gondola straight to the top
is the one and only Paul Williams.
(APPLAUSE)
What are we starting the finale with, Paul?
- As always, we'll begin with a prize task.
They have all been tasked with bringing in the prize that they believe will
increase the most in value. - Planning for the future is important.
So let's see what they've brought in, shall we? Starting with Josh Thompson.
- So for me, what will increase the most in value is a bag of old clothes that I've got in the attic
that I might fit again. (LAUGHTER)
There's some great― some bangers in there, as well. There's some memorabilia, which I'm very fond of.
A t shirt from Pulp Comedy, my first time on television.
There's― Some things, uh, haven't aged too well.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
That is a T-shirt with the Best of Bill Cosby on it.
I don't have it― I don't have it anymore. So that was― just happened to be in the bag.
I will get it out. Let's just move on. Let's get back to― Let's get that out of there.
For me, a great deal of value, and any time soon, I'm going to get ripped
and pop it all back on and the joke will be on you.
- Justine, what have you brought in tonight? - Hi, Taskmaster. Jeremy, sir.
What I've brought in tonight is a, quite a valuable pop vinyl.
It's actually me, in this outfit. - What? - Oh, wow.
So pop vinyls, by nature, increase in value, and I'm thinking I'm only going to get more famous,
being on this wonderful television show.
And so that's going to increase in value because it's... well, it's me, Jeremy.
- You once had a puppet made of yourself ― (LAUGHTER)
and now there's a doll made of yourself. Now I'm starting to worry about you.
- Well, the thing is about comedians, we're incredibly self-obsessed.
(LAUGHTER) - Chris, what did you bring in?
- Well, I always feel like movie and TV memorabilia is that thing that just always surges in value.
And my mind and heart immediately went to the one and only Serial Stuff on What Now.
And I've got, in my hands, the dolls from Serial Stuff.
- Wow. - Oh, they're the actual dolls?
- You got Manly Jack there, Sports Suzy, Outdoor Trev, the like, the lot of them.
I'm a little bit starstruck, just even looking at them.
- How did you get your hand on those?
- Oh, I've got some connections and maybe some people looking for me.
(LAUGHTER)
- Paul, what have you brought in? - I've been on something called the Internet,
and I've been reading a lot about something they call Bitcoin.
So what I did is I― I've got that coin. That's that one, there.
And if I just ―
Now that is a bit coin.
Apparently, that's worth heaps. And Taskmaster ― you get a bit coin.
- Oh, thanks for that, Paul. Appreciate that. - You're very welcome.
- Thank you very much. (APPLAUSE)
Kura, what's yours? - Give a man a fish, right?
(LAUGHTER)
Teach a man to fish...
right?
Plant a seed, it will grow.
I've brought in broccoli.
Hear me out. (LAUGHTER)
That cost 2.80, right, for six broccoli seedlings that I'm sure will grow many, many brocs.
I don't know if you guys have been to the supermarket lately; broccoli's f―ken expensive.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you.
- No, I think, in terms of return on your investment, I think it's solid. I think it's worth something.
It's certainly a lot more than Justine's puppet... thing.
- It's not a puppet. - What is it? - WHINES: It's a pop vinyl.
- It's like, a figurine. - I think, in terms of scoring,
I'm going to go... Don't look at me like that, Justine.
One point for Justine and her― What is it called again?
Figurine. - Oh, you just work it out.
- You've got a figurine of your own head right beside you.
(LAUGHTER)
That's not going to do me any favours.
- Two points for Paul― - There you go.
Last time I stick up for a mate. - Three points for Josh with the t-shirt, four points for Chris
and five points for Kura. (APPLAUSE)
- Thank you. Wow. Thank you.
- So, with four tasks left tonight, I'd love to know what our season score board's looking like, Paul.
- Incredibly, in first equal, with 158 each,
It's Josh and Chris. - KURA: Wow. (APPLAUSE)
Oh, gosh.
- Paul, we need to finish this series off with pizzazz. So what task can you task me withnow?
- It's our final team task of the season, and any bigwig TV executives should be watching thisone closely.
- Ah. - Ooh.
- Colourful. Colourful.
- SINGS: I like this. - I like this too. Colours.
- Hello, Paul. Hello, Paul. - Nice to have that time together. - Yeah, really good.
- Yeah, yeah. - Seven Minutes in Heaven.
- Don't hold my shoulders like I'm a fragile old lady.
- Sound it out. Muh― - Muh―
- READS: 'Make an electrifying new game show.' Oh, my goodness.
- READS: 'Your game show must be sponsored by the product in your selected box.
'The best game show that successfully promotes its sponsor wins.'
- 'You have 60 Minutes. Your time starts now.' - We've got an hour.
- It says 'by the product in your selected box.' It doesn't mean we have to use that.
- Please use that. - Shall I spin it? - (LAUGHS)
- OK, let's have a look, Chris, and see what the wheel's saying.
- JUSTINE: (SCOFFS) It's so shit. - Orange! - Orange.
- Oh, yellow. You know how I feel about this colour.
Great colour supermarkets, those.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh my God. Is that what I think it is?
Grass. Sod. - (LAUGHS)
- What are they, bookmarks? - Bookmarks.
- So, what kind of show would be sponsored by grass? Something farm-y?
- Or, like weed?
- I think a good game show ties in the name.
We could get a whole bunch of people called Mark.
- Or maybe it's a show in which we only read books about Karl Marx.
- (LAUGHS)
- That sounds like a hoot.
- Someone hosting it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Did you just say, 'So, I'm hosting it?'
- No, someonehosting it. - Oh, OK. - Are you OK, mate?
We're just jamming together. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- Man, we really picked a shit box. - Yeah. - Bookmarks is bullshit.
- Hate bookmarks. Bookmarks suck. - This is so...
- Do you wanna be contestant or host? - I don't care. Contestant, maybe?
- OK. - Do you want to be the host? - Sure.
- WHISPERS: It's typical, eh? - What's this? What? - What?
- What'd you say? - Sorry.
- You said you wanted to be a contestant. - Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
- So we hide all five of these bookmarks IN books around the house.
We disorientate Paul ― just 'cause that's fun. We don't need to do that. - Yeah.
- How do you disorientate me? - We take you on a massive walk.
- Yeah. Or, you know― - Drive. - Psychedelics.
- Flip you. - Maybe strip you. Waterboarding, that's also a good one.
'Cause otherwise bookmark sounds boring, but if you go, 'Bookmarks, but it also contains torture
'and disorientation,' people are going to go, 'I might start reading books.
'That sounds awesome.'
- So, I've never lost. - No. - I'm the Sod Master.
- Yeah. - You should be like, 'Ooh,' but a little bit turned on.
- By you? - Yeah.
- They've got 5 minutes to find which of the five bookmarks has the $5.
- And if you don't find it?
- That's when the waterboarding comes in, I guess. - Yeah.
- So, if you win, you get $5. - Mm. - Yes.
- And if you lose, you get waterboarded. - You get waterboarded.
- Get waterboarded. I'm putting a rule in.
- For the love of sod. - Is that the name of the game? - That's the name of the show.
- Yeah. Great.
- I mean, it's all stupid. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's why it's so brilliant. (BOTH CHUCKLE MISCHIEVOUSLY)
(APPLAUSE)
- I've just noticed the notebook. I'm expecting big things from this show of yours.
- Well, basically, Paul just started talking nonsense, and then I'd just write down anythinghe did,
and then try and make sense of what that was, into some kind of rule.
Like, he really wanted to, like, basically, killPaul.
(LAUGHTER)
- I've heard about waterboarding so much and seen it in movies, but I've never done it to anyone.
(LAUGHTER)
So I thought, this is― this is my chance.
- How quickly was he onto waterboarding? - So fast. It was insane.
Like, I don't know how he made the leap from bookmarks to waterboarding, but then
I was like, 'Yeah, let's park the waterboarding and, like, there's another avenue we could godown
and Paul's like, 'Yeah, we could read a book, and then we could waterboard Paul.'
- (CHUCKLES) - Like, he wouldn't drop it.
- I'm worried about what's happening in the relationship between you two.
I know it's the final show, but it's starting to break down. I've seen it happening.
- Our team task, mostly, were Josh taking it really seriously and me and Kura just goofingoff
and laughing at how seriously Josh was taking it. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, I can tell you hosting a show is not an easy task and should only be done by trained professionals.
(LAUGHTER)
So, Paul, whatamateurhosts do I get to see first?
- Proudly brought to you by bookmarks, it's Chris Parker and Paul Ego.
(CHEERING)
(UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC PLAYS)
- (LAUGHS) Hi. Good evening, afternoon, and welcome back to ― - BOTH: Bookmarks.
- The only game show where you have to find the place where you started.
- Now there are five bookmarks around the house, but only one of them has the big prize onit.
- That's right. Tonight, we're playing for fivewholedollars. - Five human dollars.
- And that's what Paul's looking for tonight.
And he's got 5 minutes to find that $5 bookmark.
- And if he doesn't ― - BOTH: He gets waterboarded. - (LAUGHS)
- All right. Let's go meet our contestant. - Let's do it.
- Here we are with our Bookmarks contestant, Paul Williams. How are you, Paul?
- It's been a tough year. - Now, Paul, you understand the rules of the show.
You're going to place the bookmark into a book, as you would with any book.
- All right, Paul. - OK. We're just going to blindfold you.
So we'll just put on the traditional Bookmark Blindfold, of course.
Just all the way around.
- It is crushing me. - Good. Great.
- You hide the book, Paul, and I'm going to get Paul lost.
- Sounds good.
Let's be a bit nasty and hide it under... under something. Look at that.
You can't even see it.
Well, as you can see, Chris is successfully disorientating Paul.
So we're almost at the stage of ― this often happens ― um, of removing his blindfold
Paul's fine. For those people at home who are worried.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
- Only a bit came out. - OK.
- Your 5 minutes starts now. - Let's just help him back up again.
- JUSTINE: Oh my God.
- Is it still in the same book that it was? - Yes, or is it?
- It's in exactly the same book.
- No, 'cause he needs to open wrong book― the other book...
- We may not have thought this through.
- It may or may not be in the same book, Paul.
- Well, Paul is saying that it is in the same book.
- I did say it was in the same book, but you know, I've been known to lie.
- Well, there's definitely a bookmark in this book.
- BOTH: Well, maybe you should read it. - read that one.
- Well, this isn't the book I put the bookmark in. - But it could be the lucky one,
Paul. - But I saw what that―
- Just open the fuckin' book and look at the mark.
(LAUGHTER)
- READS: 'Wah, wah.
'You're a baby.'
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
- 'Suck your thumb for the rest of the hunt.'
- Keep going, Paul. - Oh, my goodness, Paul.
- I'm not a baby. - I can't believe you opened that book.
Good, yeah. Make sure that thumb's nicely deep in, all the way to the knuckles. Good man.
- And of course, we want to thank our sponsors, bookmarks. - Bookmarks.
- Bookmarks, we would be simply lost without you. - Whack one in today.
- Keep looking, Paul.
He's got 10 seconds left on the clock. - 10 seconds left, Paul,
before the waterboarding.
- BOTH: 3 ― - Everyone.
- 2,
1.
- Sound the hooter.
(BUZZ!)
- Close the books. - We have ourselves a loser here, once again, on Bookmarks.
- A loser. - My name's been Mark Books. - And I'm Book Marks.
- And this, - BOTH: has been Bookmarks.
- Come on, Paul. - Let's go, buddy.
It's only bad for the first couple of minutes. You can take your finger out now.
- You might want to keep it in, though. - Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
- You look like you went through hell out there.
How was the bit where they ripped all of the hair out of the back of your head?
- Um, not great. - JOSH: (LAUGHS)
- I got to say, originally, with that show, I thought it was a shocking idea, Bookmarks.
But actually, the chemistry drove it through for me. - CHRIS: Thank you.
I thought, you know, you guys work particularly well together.
And also good to see a positive take on waterboarding.
- You don't hear often enough, you know.
- We're going to inspire kids all around the country to be waterboarding.
- Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of people out there with, like, really dry mouths.
Waterboarding would probably really help with that― (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Is it a great entertaining show? Yes. Would it make me want to buy bookmarks?
No.
- But what if there was five bucks taped to it? - I'd reconsider, perhaps. Yeah.
We're going to take a break from the show for some ads now.
But before we do, we'd like to thank our sponsors ― bookmarks, for all the times you need to save your place.
We'll see you in a moment.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to the finale of Taskmaster.
The winner of the season will be named tonight.
Paul, where are we?
- Chris and Paul debuted Bookmarks, a show in which I was waterboarded ― (LAUGHTER)
- and we have one more show to watch.
Big Grass has pumped a lot of money into the show.
It's Josh, Kura and Justine.
(APPLAUSE)
- BOTH: Sod, sod, sod in a box.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS) - RAPS: # Better than a bagel, a bagel with lox.
# Sod, sod, sod in a box.
# If you hate sod, I hope you get the pox.
# It's sod. It's a box.
- # It's sod in a box.
- BOTH: And here's your host, Sunny McSunnerson.
- Hi, everybody. Hi. Welcome along to our game show ―
For the Love of Sod.
Here we go. Thank you to our sponsor, of course, Sod in a Box.
Let's introduce our contestant for the week.
Justine Smith. - Hi. Hi, everyone.
- I hope you're feeling pumped enough to take on our Sod Master.
- It's an honour to stand next to you, Sod Master.
- TEXAN ACCENT: Well... thank you.
- Bold. Bold. A woman of few words.
It's time for Lawn Trivia.
WHISPERS: Lawn, lawn, lawn. Trivia.
OK, now, to answer, I'm going to get you to make the noise of a ruminant animal.
What is the most recommended? lawn grass in New Zealand?
- (BAAS)
- Justine. - Rye.
- Pretty good. I would have taken perennial rye or tall fescue,
but some people do use perennial rye. I don't know why. (CHUCKLES)
- Well, well, I don't know 'rye'.
(LAUGHTER)
- Should your mower blade be set high or low before you do your first cut?
- (WHINNIES)
- Uh, Justine.
- High. (DING!) - Correct.
Wow. You're― Sod Master, you're getting smoked.
You OK? - No.
- OK. OK, we're going to round two.
Round two. Throw a ball at this thing.
But first, a word from our sponsor, Sod in a Box.
Do you like it Sod in a Box? - I love Sod in a Box. - Great.
Do you like Sod in a Box? - I love Sod in a Box so much. - Great. Cool. Sod in a Box.
Sod in a Box.
OK, great, everybody. We're back from the commercial break.
Aiming for the grass. Here we go.
Begin throwing.
- Ooh! - Oh!
I'm not sure! You have a go. - Well, it's not spinning now. - Terrible.
Terrible. Keep trying.
Oh, it's neck and neck. It's neck and neck.
(DING!) - Oh, definite.
A definite hit, there, Justine.
And then, by my calculations, ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Sod Master ― Justine Smith!
- (SQUEALS) - Well done.
- Loser!
- (LIGHTLY APPLAUDS)
- EMOTIONALLY: Thank you so much. - Join us next week for another round with Justine Smithas
the Sod Master!
For the Love of Sod! - For the Love of Sod.
- Ooh. Needs to be cleaned.
(APPLAUSE)
- Congratulations on becoming the Sod Master, Justine. - Thank you so much.
- Must be a career highlight. - Well, it's... better than this.
(LAUGHTER)
- Uh, Kura, this is not the first Southern slave-owner accent that you've come up with.
(LAUGHTER)
Keeps coming back, that character, interestingly, throughout the series. - Yeah...
TEXAN ACCENT: It's the only accent I can do.
- Right. So, we've got to score this. Look, I actually thought that Josh, Justine and Kura,
I thought yours was actually slightly stronger, and it had less waterboarding,
less torture elements to it. So I think you guys should get four points
and I think Chris and Paul should get three points. - I'll take it.
- Even though the chemistry was great. I think the chemistry was great.
- Thank you. (APPLAUSE)
- So, what does that mean our score board is looking like, Paul?
- In first place, with nine points, Kura Forrester.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - OK!
(APPLAUSE)
- Paul Williams ― get me another task, please.
- This next task is a treat.
- GROANS: Oh.
(SPOOKY THEME MUSIC)
- Oh! Scary.
- Ooh, spooky.
- Where's Paul?
SINGSONG: Pauly.
- Where's P Willie? He's been taken out.
- Oh― Ooh, that's a bit violent.
- Gruesome. So gruesome.
- (SHUDDERS)
- Spooky.
- YELLS: I'm just going to read it, Paul.
- Let's have a look.
- READS: 'Trick or treat.
- READS: 'Give Paul either a trick or a treat when he arrives at your door in 20 minutes.'
- READS: 'Best trick or treat wins.'
- READS: 'Your time starts now.' WHISPERS: Oh, my God.
- What the hell's a trick or treat?
(APPLAUSE)
- Well, this is a nice opportunity for you guys to do something nice for Paul, so...
- Yeah. - Well, I hope you went with the treat and not the trick.
Who should we watch first? - It's the Velma and Daphne of our gang.
Here's Kura and Justine. - Yeah.
I'm going to set up a booby trap.
- I'd like a really large towel or a sheet.
- Tell you what this is ― a real exercise in overthinking something.
- I'm pretty good to go.
Do I just have to hang out for 5 minutes?
- Oh!
Oh.
Please, come quickly. Please.
Oh.
Hello.
- Hi, Paul.
- I need your help. My one-legged daughter, she needs CPR.
I don't know how to do it because my hands are broken.
- Trick or treat.
- (YELPS)
(LAUGHS)
Shame, it was eggs.
Egg on your face.
- (SCREAMS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Ha ha
ha.
Hi, Paul.
- Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHS) Paul.
- What? - Who was that?
- I don't know.
Trick or treater.
- (GROANS)
Fuck.
- OK, here's the trick. - OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- Here's a treat. You can have the whole bowl. - Thank you.
- It was amazing, though. And also, a treat. - OK.
- Well, enjoy your treats. I hope they're the best treats you've ever had.
- Is this everything?
- Well, it's everything, minus two candy sticks, now.
- Dammit.
- Thank you, Kura.
(APPLAUSE)
- That piece of magic that you did there ― - Pretty incredible, eh?
- it only works on dogs. (LAUGHTER)
- Well...
(LAUGHTER)
(AUDIENCE 'AW'S)
- Did it work on you? - No. No.
- Kura, your trick seem to be squashing some eggs on a mannequin,
which, then, you have to clean up? - No, I think someone else did that. I just walked off.
- I'll tell you what was quite disturbing, though ― Paul in those green tights.
We could see his trick or treat, all right.
(LAUGHTER)
- So obviously, that wasn't you. - No. No, I'm not sure who that first trick or treater was,
but they showed up 18 minutes in. So, 2 minutes before I was arriving.
(WOMEN GROAN)
- And what did you end up giving Paul?
- They both gave me a bowl of lollies.
Justine, also a toy dinosaur and a trick.
- Yep. - We had a crappy treat for you in the form of an ad break.
We'll see you in a moment.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back, everyone, to the final of Taskmaster season three.
We're competing for something actually worthwhile this time ― a bit coin.
Paul, what are we doing? - We are in the middle of a task where contestants had 20 minutes
to prepare a trick or treat before I knocked on the door.
Unfortunately, I was beaten on every occasion by a rival trick or treater.
- So, who's up next? - It's the man who coined the term P Willie.
It's P Eggy.
- I'm sure everybody tricks him. I'll make him some sort of a treat.
Mustard. Give it a bit of kick.
Yes.
Go on. We'll give him― We'll give him a bit of a kick.
So this is like a treat and a trick.
Is that coffee? That'll be a wake up.
Yes. Goodie. He'll think it's cinnamon.
Bloody hell. That looks so good.
(HEAVY KNOCK ON DOOR)
(SQUEALS)
Is that you under there, Paul?
I really hope so. It is you. I know because of your quiet, awkward manner, I'm pretty sure it's you.
I've made you a treat.
So this is a mustard, candy corn, egg daiquiri.
Give it a go. I don't know if you want a bit of pepper or salt in there.
It's got a fair bit of...
I can't believe you're actually drinking that.
Great.
See ya. Thanks for stopping by.
(LAUGHS)
- Trick or treat.
- Thought that was you.
You've got an option. Either you can chase them for the delicious mustard daiquiri that I've justmade you ―
- OK. - or I present you this beautifully crafted cutlery set,
personally wrapped by myself. - A treat, indeed.
- Yeah. OK. - Thank you, Paul. - See ya, mate.
Happy Halloween. - Happy Halloween. - OK, buddy.
Can't believe I wasted that daiquiri on a stranger.
A lot of work in that.
(APPLAUSE)
- Such a wonderful high pitched scream there, Paul.
- Yeah, I'm easily frightened. - Well, you were easily confused as well.
You were pretty sure that that was Paul. - Yeah, I'm also very trusting.
And this show, it turns out, is actually quite dishonest. (LAUGHTER)
- So in the end, what did Paul give you, as your treat?
- A knife and a fork, wrapped in a napkin.
- That's actually not too bad, really. - It's really handy, man.
I mean, you know, quite often you're out and about and, you know, like, a meal will just suddenly happen.
You just 'whap' out your cutlery. - 'Whap' it out. - 'Whap' out.
That's the sound it makes. Whap! You whap it out. - 'Whap' is something so different.
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- You don't need cutlery for that, mate. - Oh, is it? Is it?
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, is that that wet-ass cutlery? (LAUGHTER)
- And who else treats you with that gall, Paul?
- Josh Thompson.
- What's the scariest thing? What's the scariest thing?
No, I don't want to get nude.
OK.
I'm going to the shed.
(GRUNTS)
(LEAFBLOWER WHIRRS)
No, no.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(HONK!) Fuck! Fuckin' hell!
Oh! Oh, Jesus.
Nah...
OK.
(HONKS SLOWLY)
No. A knot.
I don't have time to undo a knot.
(HONK!)
Fuckin' hell!
(GRUNTS)
Oh.
Oh! Jesus!
Uh... Uh... Ah!
There's been a horrible tragedy.
Probably a woman's dead.
Your salvation's in the door.
(GROANS)
Quickly, quickly.
(HONK!)
- Yes, bitch!
Sorry, that was rude.
Hang on, are you..?
(APPLAUSE)
Are you Paul?
Oh, shit.
(LAUGHTER)
- Trick or treat. - Hi.
That was, like, a― That was a familiar bitch.
Uh... Ah!
(LAUGHTER)
(GROANS) There's been a tragedy.
A woman has been dismembered.
I've also got... some injuries.
(GROANS) Salvation, help me, quickly.
Open the door. - Am I going to get air horned if I open that door?
- (GROANS) I wouldn't be able to make it go twice in a row.
- OK.
(HONK!)
- I did.
It's not even a real knife.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. Thank you, Josh. - Yeah, you're welcome. Do I go through this door?
- Yes, please. - It's probably still working.
(HONK!)
(LAUGHTER)
Um...
(HONK!)
Shit, sorry.
Sorry.
(HONK!)
Oh no, it's attached. Open the top―
(HONK!)
Just a little ―
(HONK CONTINUES)
- I think it's out of air.
- Thank you, Josh. - Yeah, OK.
(APPLAUSE)
- That is great engineering ingenuity there, Josh.
How long did it take you to set it up?
- Um, I don't know. I lost all sense of time.
And then I thought I would sort of do a distraction scene outside.
But that probably wasn't necessary.
- Yeah, I can actually say that the person that was in the Grim Reaper outfit,
it was one of our hard-working female interns.
So it's not looking good for you, Josh, with what you said to her, with the...
- I thought it was Paul. - I'm not Paul.
- Oh, sorry.
Fuck.
(LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) I thought you were Paul.
- JUSTINE: Oh my God. - Oh my God.
- You're actually losing your mind now.
- Just to be clear, the quote was, 'Yes, bitch.'
- Yeah, I thought it was Paul, but then it turns out it wasn't Paul.
And I do apologise to the woman who has the misfortune of working with me.
- Right. There's one more trickster in our midst-er. Who is it?
- It's the very spooky Chris Parker.
- Ooh.
Maybe I should treat him with a celebrity impression of Paul Williams.
That's what I'm going to do.
T, does he have his backup suit here?
You will go on.
(INHALES)
Damn that skinny bastard.
(LAUGHTER)
(RIP!)
(LAUGHS)
I think he's going to love this.
(HEAVY KNOCK ON DOOR)
Trick or treat. Love your costume.
Is that Paul?
- Sorry.
- (LAUGHS) Who's that? - Trick or treat.
Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Is this a trick as well? - It's however you interpret it. What's your name?
- Peter Pan. - My name is Paul Williams.
How old are you?
- 12.
- My, you're lovely and tall for a 12-year-old. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER)
- I don't think Paul Williams would say that.
- I'm Paul Williams, so who's to say?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Thanks, Paul― Peter Pan.
(APPLAUSE)
- Went into some interesting territory there, with the 12-year-old riff.
- Yeah. - KURA: Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- Well, that wasn't me. That was Paul Williams.
- I want to go on record and say that that was Chris dressed as me― - No, it wasn't. No, itwasn't.
- So, was it a trick or treat? - It was a treat. Paul got to finally see what he was like
in the show, and I gave him his favourite snack, milk and cookies, and kind of bullied him
a little bit. I think he likes that, because he's a bit masochistic and I ripped all his clothes. (LAUGHS)
- So, I have to score this. In terms of the treats, I think, Justine, you were some lollies.
Kura, you were some lollies as well.
So I think one point for Justine, two points for you, Kura.
I think Paul's cutlery just a slightly better treat.
And then I would go Chris with the milk and cookies.
and I think Josh, that was very good. And your trick genuinely worked, there. So five points for you.
- You're very kind, thank you. (APPLAUSE)
- We're going to take a short break right now.
Go fix yourself a treat or an air horn to the face.
We'll see you after the break for the last proper task of the season.
Welcome back to what critics are calling the final episode of this current season of Taskmaster.
Paul, where are the scores sitting?
- Chris and Kura both on 11, but one point ahead, Josh Thomson.
(APPLAUSE)
- It is going to come down to the number eight wire.
Paul, I believe we have our final house-based task of the season.
- I do, Jeremy. This one's two baths, two furious.
(ALL GROAN) - KURA: Oh no.
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Josh.
- How are ya? - Good, thank you.
How are you? - Good. Really good. Never better. Thanks for asking.
- It's OK.
- What is this? - A task.
- Well, this looks complicated.
- Oh, brother. Scared about this one.
- Is this your chastity belt?
- What a lovely day.
- READS: 'Relocate the water in this bath to that bath.
- READS: 'You may not tamper with your belt.
- Why would I tamper with it?
And what does tampering mean?
- Put the belt on, please. - OK, I got to put the belt on.
- READS: 'Most relocated water wins.
- READS: 'Your time starts now.'
(APPLAUSE)
- I noticed there that there's a whole lot of crap scattered around the lawn.
- Yes. So there was buckets and various containers scattered across the lawn.
Unfortunately, all over nine metres away.
And the chain connecting them to the bath was not over nine metres long.
- Oh. - Yes.
- All right, Paul, who do I get to watch first?
- Rub a dub dub, three comedians in the tub.
It's Kura, Justine and Paul.
(CHAIN RATTLES)
- Was that supposed to happen?
(CLUNK!)
- (YELPS)
(LAUGHS)
- Is that OK― Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God!
(GRUNTS)
- Ooh, this feels strangely erotic.
I don't want to pull that plug out.
I want the biggest receptacle.
- It's a CrossFit.
- That's my plug. That's my plug there, to go in there.
Oh.
Can you tell I've worn one of these before?
Put it in to start.
Oh, but then I got to put the plug in― Oh, this is a very clever task.
OK. Right. I see. All right.
(LAUGHTER)
- Don't you... Don't you come out. You bastards.
Oh!
I need a plug!
- See how much we can get in from here.
Is that reaching?
- I don't think so.
- Oh my God.
- This must be what it's like to be a baby. Just connected to your mum.
- Ooh...
- I think that's full.
- Yeah, that's full.
- Unable to go.
Any―
Oh, no.
Oh!
Oh, it's all gone.
How much water's left in that bath over the― Oh, fuck it.
Is there still water left in that bath?
- Currently, yes.
If only I had just, sort of, taken a moment to think about it.
Don't look at that.
- That's all the water. - That one's empty? - Yeah.
- Well, you've got six and a half minutes. - But there's no more water left.
- OK.
- Oh, now I've got my chain tangl― Oh, it's a night―
- I think this one's slowing down. - On the bright side, I am getting the water out of thatbath.
So that's, like, half the task.
- Lil bit more.
Whoops.
- Whenever I've got time left, I always feel like I've majorly fucked something up.
- I made a mistake.
And I will pay.
(GROANS)
- Well, you've still got a minute 49.
- I'll have a bath, then.
Look at― Oh, that's so relaxing.
You know, there's not a lot of water, but I can feel it just touching my perineum through myshorts.
(LAUGHTER)
Another task nailed.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Ew. So saliva-y and dribbley. That's disgusting.
(CACKLES)
That's disgusting.
You got too much saliva.
That cheered me up. See you later.
- Justine, have you ever had a bath before?
- I've had a bath before. - You understand the concept of baths?
You put a plug in the bottom of the bath and then you put the water in, and the plug stops thewater
from draining out of the bath. - I've never wanted to kill a man more in my life.
- PAUL EGO: (LAUGHS)
- Paul, you seem to understand the premise of the bath with the plug.
- Yeah. Initially, we couldn't see that there were plugs there, so it was like― it was just, connect,
and then, when you understand it's the plug, it's― yeah. I got a very, 'This is what I'm doing.'
Classic man. Can't think of anything else. I'm just doing this.
So, to think of that, and then also― I just couldn't do it. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
- I couldn't do it. - He took a very long time to plug up the empty bath.
Meanwhile, the full bath pretty much fully ran out. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, it depends what you say is a successful bath.
I mean, does getting your perineum wet... (LAUGHTER)
- Well, put it this way.
If you wash everything else on your body but don't wash your perineum,
people are going to notice.
- Kura, you got yourself in a right old tangle, there.
- Yeah. I was pretty pissed off. There were lots of like light bulb moments,
but they weren't coming on quickly for me. (LAUGHTER)
- Have we got some stats? How did the guys go?
- Yes. Uh, Kura, despite being disappointed in herself, 12.7 litres.
- OK, that's not bad. (AUDIENCE 'OOH'S)
- Wow, that is good. - Holy shit.
- And Justine, she had a full bucket's worth of water in there.
So even though the plug wasn't in, that stayed inside a bucket, which was four litres.
- Oh, that's great. - That's remarkable.
- And Paul ― - PAUL: Here we go.
- 351 mils.
(LAUGHTER)
- You don't need four litres of water to wash your perineum. What are you doi―
You just needs just enough height to just submerge it and you go, 'She's clean.'
- Who are we chaining to some cast iron next, Paul?
- It's Chris Parker.
- Bloody hell.
(YELPS)
Oh, my gosh.
(GRUNTS)
Leave that for later.
- You got just under 8 minutes.
- Now I'm gonna bolt and get that bucket.
- 30 seconds.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Are you not entertained?
- Yeah, I was entertained.
(APPLAUSE)
- That's your final moment, Chris, in the Taskmaster house,
and I think you can rightfully be quite proud of that.
- Yeah. I mean, I did like 27 days on a beach for Celebrity Treasure Island,
and I reckon that 20 minutes was harder. (LAUGHTER)
- How did Chris end up going? - So the current leader to beat was 12.7 litres.
Chris Parker, 68.2 litres.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
(APPLAUSE)
- There's one more filling to go. Let's see it, Paul. - Our final filler, Josh Thompson.
- Holy shit. There's heaps in there.
Come on.
- KURA: (GROANS)
(APPLAUSE)
- (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
Should've bought my plumbing gear.
I want all of it.
I want all the water.
Hello.
(YELPS)
Nah, that's a terrible―
This is not a good seal.
(GRUNTS)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Thank you, Josh. - You didn't see my bum, did you?
-Ididn't. - Who else did?
- Did you see it?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Basic plumbing. - Basic― (LAUGHS)
I certainly did display quite a lot of plumber's crack. (ALL LAUGH)
I didn't make quite a good connection and ended up spilling quite a bit.
I probably think Chris probably got more water.
- Oh, I can't believe that nobody else thought to pick up the bath with their bare hands.
- I know. Now, it's obvious.
(LAUGHTER)
- Never would I ever think to pick up a bath.
- I would never think to pick up a bath.
- Well, you didn't think to put the plug in.
(LAUGHTER)
- KURA: Ooh.
(APPLAUSE)
- So the amount to beat is Chris' 68.2 litres.
Josh Thomson ―
75.5 litres.
(APPLAUSE) - Come on, Josh.
- PAUL EGO: Well done, mate. Awesome.
- Which means one point for Paul, two for Justine, three for Kura,
four for Chris and five points for Josh Thompson.
- OK. (APPLAUSE)
Join us after the break for our final live task of the year.
We'll see you soon.
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to the very last section of the very last episode of the very third season of Taskmaster.
We are moments away from seeing who wins the episode and who is tasked with saving humanity
by planting broccoli, care of Kura. (LAUGHTER)
But more importantly, who will win this season of Taskmaster,
and have their Wikipedia entry made just that little bit more impressive?
Paul, how are the scores looking?
- It's incredibly close. We've got Justine on 142, Paul on 143,
Kura on 155,
Chris on 169 ― nice ― (LAUGHTER)
and Josh on 172.
- Oh, wow. (APPLAUSE)
- There's only one way I know how to finish things off right.
It's time for the final live task.
Everyone head to the stage.
It looks like we've been magically transported to your bedroom, Paul.
- Ugh.
- Who's going to read the task? - Kura Forrester.
- READS: 'Clearly scream the name... of your crop.
'Your crop is written on a tissue in your tissue box.
- JUSTINE: Fuckin' hell.
- 'Fastest wins. Your time starts on Paul's whistle.'
What's a crop?
- What do you mean, what's a crop? Something you grow, like broccoli, for fuck's sake.
- (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I got it. I got it. - On my whistle.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS)
- It's so easy to miss it.
- Gingernuts.
- It's― It's not a crop. - It's not a crop. - It's a biscuit.
- Oh, that's a biscuit. Crop of gingeys?
- Squash. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Parsnip. - Correct.
- JUSTINE: Ginger― Fuck.
- Gingernuts! No, it's not Gingernuts.
- That's a biscuit. - My box is empty! Shortbread, also not a crop.
Macaroons, they're all biscuits.
- JUSTINE: Paul, what's happened to us? - I don't know.
Ooh! Leek, leek! Leek!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Correct.
- KURA: Radish. (APPLAUSE) - Correct.
- JUSTINE: Oh, my God.
Thanks for helping me, guys. (LAUGHTER)
- I've actually just got hayfever. (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, here we go, here we go.
- Go back, we'll go back.
- Broad beans.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Correct.
- Great work, everyone. Head down to the stage and we'll score it.
(APPLAUSE)
Let's score the live task.
Right. What are the points there, Paul?
- One point for Justine, two points for Kura, three for Paul, four for Chris
and five points for Josh Thompson.
(APPLAUSE)
- And someone is this episode's winner. Who gets that honour, Paul?
- With 22 points, Josh Thompson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Meaning they can get up there and claim five sure-fire guarantees to a forthcoming fortune.
Away you go, Josh.
(APPLAUSE)
It's been an episode of tricks and treats, bookmarks and sod,
and I'm not talking about Paul Ego's perineum.
It's also been an episode in which Josh Thompson was our winner.
(APPLAUSE)
Josh, come down and join your peers because there's something more important afoot.
Paul Williams, there's a golden head looking for a home.
Whose toilet windowsill will this almighty prize be sitting on next?
- In fifth place with a very respectful 143 ―
Justine Smith.
- (MOUTHS) (APPLAUSE)
- PAUL EGO: Awesome. - KURA: Well done, Juzzie.
- And only three points ahead in fourth, with 146 ―
Paul Ego. - KURA: Yes! Well done, mate.
(APPLAUSE)
- On 157 in third place ―
Kura Forrester.
- Thank you, thank you.
I'll take it.
- In second place with 173 ―
Chris Parker.
(APPLAUSE)
- Well done, Chris.
- It all came down to that last live task, but the winner, with 177 points ―
Josh Thompson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- After ten weeks and 53 tasks, we find ourselves here at the end,
after the forests were enchanted, cows were touched and golf holes were dug.
We've seen a few doppelgangers and presidents get sconed with eggs in their wangers.
(LAUGHTER)
To you all, we say thank you and we hope to see you again soon.
But most of all, to Josh Thompson, we say congratulations
for being the season three winner of Taskmaster.
From the whole team, thank you so much for joining us.
Goodnight. Po marie.
Captions by Sally Harper.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2022
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)