(TYPEWRITER WHEEL CLICKS)
Cheehoo!
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
(GRUNTS)
Ha ha ha ha!
(BELCHES)
Shame!
(BLUBBERS)
BRITISH ACCENT: All right?
Whee!
Aaah!
(GIGGLES)
(GASPS)
Whoo!
- Say cheese. - (SIGHS) Cheese.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023
(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)
(DING!)
Kia ora koutou, and welcome to Taskmaster New Zealand.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and thanks to a series of freak events
that began with the creation of the universe 13.8 billion years ago,
I am the Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
A few months ago, I set five New Zealand comedians of different first names and overlappingsurnames
a series of embarrassing, pointless tasks,
all in the hopes of honouring their parents, their loved ones,
and, most importantly, me.
At the end of the series, one contestant will be the proud winner
of this excellent trophy of my own head... (AUDIENCE 'OOH'S)
...which serves as a haunting reminder of my own mortality.
Putting their reputations on the line for your entertainment are
Bubbah... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Dai Henwood...
Karen O'Leary...
Mel Bracewell...
and Ray O'Leary. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
As always, I'm joined by a man not quite famous enough to be the host.
It's Paul Williams! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Big news, Jeremy. I'm very proud to announce I'm starting a not-for-profit organisation.
And basically I read an article that said that a lot of turtles are killed by human drinking straws.
So I've designed a straw specifically for turtles.
So it's smaller, and it's a very solid plastic. It's not gonna break.
And I'm raising money to drop 100,000 of these into the Pacific Ocean
so the turtles can get sippin'. (LAUGHTER)
Hmm. Sounds like a great idea (!)
Tell us about this week's episode prize task, Paul.
This week's prize task ―
the comedians have been asked to bring in the most unbelievable thing.
- All right, Ray, what's your unbelievable thing? - I brought in this certificate.
(LAUGHTER)
So it's unbelievable that you brought in a certificate?
No, it's what the certificate says ―
'Ray O'Leary can do a backflip.' (LAUGHTER)
- Can you actually do a backflip? - Yeah.
- Can you show me? - OK, but I need a run-up.
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
I need a run-up. Sorry.
Normally you steal something and run away,
but he's just left us a pair of shoes.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So don't believe me ― five points.
- Wow. - I must say, when you backflip, you look very South American as well.
I trained in Chile.
(LAUGHTER)
- Dai, what's the unbelievable thing that you brought in? - I brought in this.
This is a G-code VHS
that I use to this day
to record and watch things.
When the apocalypse comes and broadband is not available, what are you guys gonna be doing?
I'm gonna be rewatching Warriors games. (LAUGHTER)
But what apocalypse would take out Wi-Fi but not the electricity to power this?
No, but I've got a back-up gennie, bro.
Karen, what's the unbelievable thing that you've brought in?
Well, first thing's first. I need to tell you that... I'm gay. (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
That's not a funny thing. You're not allowed to laugh at that any more.
But obviously, when I was growing up, I did have a time
when I sort of thought, OK, am I definitely fully gay?
And there was only two men that I decided I would turn straight for.
So the two men that I would have turned straight for are these two.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Not the― Not thenowyou. It was when you were Newsboy. Yeah.
It's thatthatunbelievable? (LAUGHTER)
I think it's highly unbelievable.
- Well, if you wanna test yourself, I've got some great VHS's of... - (LAUGHS)
- ...of John Campbell in his early days. - (LAUGHS)
Mel. - I've brought in something extremely unbelievable.
I've brought in Ripley's Believe It or Not! book.
It's crazy.
- Oh. - And I always read these books, and I thought... not.
Every time. But to add to the unbelievable-ness of the book,
I have added some misinformation.
Things like this.
'Ray O'Leary has a girlfriend.' (LAUGHTER)
So Believe It Or Not ― is real or is not?
Or is some not and some real? - It's up to you!
- Bubbah. - When you look at Ray, Mel, Karen Dai and I,
we're not a group of friends that you would see in an arcade or just hanging out.
It's a very random group. Will our friendship last?
Where's this going?
I hope it's going somewhere. Um...
I've decided for us.
You wouldn't believe this.
(MEL GASPS)
(LAUGHTER) - Some pictures of the Taskmaster crew.
No way. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Oh my God! - (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
I got you!
Can I just say we've never looked better?
OK. Well, clearly, you get five points.
Yay!
- For dedication. - Thank you!
I think, Dai, I'll give you one point.
If you had've brought in a video recorder to this show in 1937, that would've been unbelievable.
Karen, two points for you. That's not that unbelievable.
We can make that happen. (LAUGHTER)
BUBBAH: Oh!
Four points for you, Ray. Three points for you, Mel.
I'm OK to be in the middle. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So why don't we crack on to our first task proper, Paul?
They say there's no I in team, but there is a 'teams' in Taskmaster.
There's also a 'mattress' and a 'karate', but those aren't relevant.
'Teams' is though, because it's our first team task of the season.
Take your jersey off. Things are about to get toasty.
(QUIRKY WESTERN MUSIC)
Hello, Bubbah.
Hello, Ray. - Hello, Paul.
Heeeeeeyyyyyy...
- What?! Why? Why are you here? - What do you mean, why am I here? - I don't get it.
- He's here for Taskmaster New Zealand. - Yeah, but why―?
- Dai Henwood, BA, Victoria University. - Yeah, hello. Yeah.
Who's this?
- Ray O'Leary. - Melanie Brace―
Oh, you want a hug? OK.
- That's not a very nice way to say it. - Isn't it? OK. I'm sorry.
- See, look at this team. - Yeah, us two, cos the others are white.
We're the flavour. (CHUCKLES) - I hate to break it to you, but I'm white.
Heeey!
- Hey! - How are ya? It's been too long. - I'm confused!
Hi. Lovely to meet you.
Are you Maori?
Did you put us three versus the white people? (LAUGHS)
I'm actually really honoured that you said that I might be Maori, and that would be cool. ButI'm not.
- I don't want to pull the race card, but I'm also... - Aww. Well, pretend. (LAUGHS)
- Bubbah, I feel you're not listening to me. I'm white! - OK, OK! Oh, shit!
I reckon we take race completely out of this and focus on the glue guns and the toaster.
(LAUGHS)
- READS: 'Make the most impressive windmill.' - Oh no.
READS: 'You have until there isn't a piece of bread...
'...pushed down in the toaster.
'You cannot change the toaster settings or re-toast an already-toasted bit of bread.
'The same person cannot operate the toaster for two pushes in a row.'
'Most impressive windmill wins.
'Your time starts when Paul puts a piece of bread down.'
- So we'll need to time out the toast, eh. - Yes.
No, you don't need to time it, oi. Look. I learnt that this is minutes.
Oh. Do you have TikTok as well? (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Bubbah, you seem surprised that there were such things as group tasks.
You were genuinely surprised to see everybody.
I didn't know that there were teams.
I thought that he was my task. (LAUGHTER)
No... (LAUGHS)
Like, that he waspartof the task.
I wouldn't mind. Nah. (LAUGHTER)
- So you know I'm the Taskmaster? - Um, yeah― I didn't know that at the time.
You're on the news. (LAUGHTER)
Sort of.
I was just so amazed with that whole meet-and-greet thing that I completely forgot what the task was.
What was the task? - The task was very simple.
It was to build the best windmill,
but you could only build if there was a piece of toast down.
- Should we get into it? - Up first, it's the Three Amigos ― Karen, Bubbah and Dai.
So they'll go like that. And then I'm gonna make cross beams.
And then if we have multiple of these, then it makes a beautiful...
- Dayum! - ...windmill. Do you reckon?
- K-Dog. Can I call you K-Dog? - You can call me whatever you want. - Yeah-yah. K-Dog.
So I reckon this is gonna pop at a minute, so I'm just dropping it down― this one down early.
- So was the TikTok fact right? - OK, so we're at one minute...
- I feel like you put that― - ...30.
I'll go, oi, cos look at this. This is the brains of the operation.
- Now. - OK, that seems like very early toast pushing.
Nah, but also― and we're snapping it in half.
Oh, you see, that one's come up. - Oh, shit, shit, shit.
- (CHUCKLES) Nah. I'll― - Tell me when you push the toast down.
I can put the toast down and you can get on that, cos I get― Yeah, it's the two-in-a-row buzz.
- She knows what she's doing. - Yeah.
♪ Hoop, there it is. ♪
That looks pretty good, mate.
Thank you.
And pop it down.
Great work, Bubbah.
Look, you have not made a toast error yet.
Right side down.
Reset.
- OK, who's on...? - Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! That was a bit close!
Can you pop the toast down, please? Thank you.
Loosen up.
You think I'm running the gauntlet here, eh.
Yes. Don't worry.
Hennie's horny for the clock, baby. (LAUGHTER)
Should I go skedad?
- Skedad... - Yeah.
- ...dle? - Yeah, skedaddle. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- What is Bubbah doing? - She's gone to try and find something that we can use
for our windmill tower.
♪ Hoops, there it is. ♪
(AIR HORN BLARES) Aaaagh!
Wow!
(AIR HORN BLARES IN SLOW-MO, LOW-PITCHED SCREAMING)
I knew that was happening, and it's so intense.
Ooh! (STAMMERS)
Yeah, pop it down.
- Was it really bad? - It was quite loud.
- Yeah. - Yeah. A bit
(AIR HORN BLARES) - Aaah! Aaah!
Oh, mate, this is really triggering cos that's what my wife and I use as the start of lovemaking.
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you, Dai.
- Make a W then stick it on. - Oh! Do you know what the W's also for?
- Win. - Win. Yeah.
- Yeah. - You did it. - That's what it's for.
Gotta do it like that.
(BLOWS)
Yeah.
Mmmmmm! - I've stopped the clock.
- Hey, high five. That was awesome. - Yeah, boy!
- That was awesome! - Yeah-yah!
And look at the results. I mean, they speak for themselves ― a big, gay windmill.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I think K-Dog said it best when you said, 'The results speak for themselves.'
That was genuinely incredible. - Thank you.
So, Dai, just to clarify, what is Hennie horny for?
I don't know. You know, Hennie's horny for the toast, for the windmill.
(LAUGHTER)
I get in a bit of a vibe when I'm timing things.
I'm a real time nerd. - I spotted that.
And that was, like, my dream task. (LAUGHTER)
That's enough teamwork for now. It's time for some rugged individualist capitalism.
We'll see you after these commercials. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster, the show where comedians toast bread in order to win a VCR.
Amazingly, we're in our fourth season.
Where are we, Paul? - We've just seen one team of comedians effortlessly
complete a complex task with incredible results.
Now, the other team. (LAUGHTER)
It's the Two Amigos ― Mel and Ray.
Do you understand the task? - Um, no, I don't get it.
Sorry. Could you just explain―? Damn it! Bastard.
I think― OK. Should I wait by the toaster just to be safe?
- I'm just gonna grab some stuff. - Yeah, OK.
How long does the toaster go for, Paul? - For one.
- Oh, is it on one? - Yes. - Oh no. That's quick, right?
OK, I'll put it down straight away. Oh no.
Do I just start gluing things together?
I'll figure out how this works.
I've pushed down on the toaster as well. Oh, well, that's gone for quite a while.
Paul, are you― Oh.
Can you please open up the timer app on your iPad so, that way,
I can get a sense of how long the toast toasts for?
- No, sorry. - Oh, rats.
This is pretty good for a start for a windmill.
- How are you doing? Have you started, Ray? - No. Oh no―
- What are you doing?! - (STAMMERS)
- Start doing something! - Paul, show me the iPad. Show me the iPad.
- There's nothing on there. - Show me the timer. Show me the timer.
This thing goes for at least a minute.
You have to put on the next bit of toast. I put one in pretty quickly.
- Oh, wait, I'm supposed to do shit? - You have to put down the next piece of toast.
Two people can't do the same thing in a row. - OK. All right.
So what would you like me to glue together?
Oh no!
(OMINOUS STING)
What do you mean? I didn't... What do you mean?
There's no toast down.
Step away from the toaster, please.
(LAUGHTER)
I did glue this together while we were...
Pass me the windmill please.
(APPLAUSE)
Ray!
I had such a good start! - I'm sorry, I panicked.
It's my fault. I panicked with the toaster.
You were about to put some toast down, and we lucked out.
- Isn't 'lucked out' good? - Yeah, we lucked out. We made that.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
This might be the easiest decision that anybody in the history of Taskmaster has ever had to make.
There's no need to compare them. Just give us the five points.
Five to Bubbah, Dai and Karen.
And one point for you guys.
- Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you.
BUBBAH: Yeah-yah.
How are the scores looking overall, Paul?
Mel's on four; Ray's on five; Dai's on six; Karen's on seven.
And on a perfect score of 10 out of 10, Bubbah.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Wow. OK.
Well, I think it's time to give our other contestants a chance to catch up.
How about another task, Paul? - All right. But let's hope they don't blow this one.
(EERIE, QUIRKY MUSIC)
Hello, Dai.
- Oh. - Hello, Ray.
'Sup, Paul.
This is really nice.
Some... mood lighting, I see.
- What's in the jar? - Gherkins. I just―
You always bring me like, tasks but I never bring you anything.
Do you want a gherkin? - Yes, please.
It feels like I've been out late, and I've come home and my dad's been waiting to tell meoff.
You should have been here five minutes ago.
READS: 'Blow out the candle in the most bold and beautiful way.
'You cannot use your lungs.
'Most bold and beautiful blow-out wins.
'You have 15 minutes or until the candle is blown out.
'Your time started when you entered the room.'
I wasted time giving away gherkins.
(APPLAUSE)
Karen, do you understand how this whole thing works?
I'm not gonna have anybody trying to bribe the Taskmaster's assistant. That's wrong. Also, I don't know―
- I was just trying to be a friend to him. - Well, it seemed like bribery to me.
- But he's got no power or control over anything. - Exactly.
So what was it― So this can be anything other than friendship.
That's why I kissed him last time. (LAUGHTER)
I could do it again if you want.
Does anyone wanna see that? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(WHOOPING)
(WHISTLING, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I like that Karen asked everyone in the room who wanted to see that apart from Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
OK. This task seems pretty straightforward.
We've got bold; we've got beautiful. And of course, it's lung-less.
Who's up first? - OK, so the pun is not very clear.
So I should say in advance that it's Karen. Up first,
it's Kandlin O'Flarey. (LAUGHTER)
OK.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
- What are you making? - A beautiful headpiece.
It's not just going to be feathers. - OK.
Which hopefully will make it clear
that I'm certainly not wanting to appropriate anyone's culture.
- OK. - Other than a person with no taste white person.
I'm now gonna perform a contemporary balloon dance. - OK.
Could you just maybe hum some music?
- (HUMS HAUNTING TUNE) - Yeah, that's good.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
(POP!)
MUFFLED: Keep humming, Paul.
(HUMS HAUNTING TUNE)
(POP!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That― I really enjoyed that. - Thank you. Well, I―
A lot of people don't know that I do contemporary dance.
What were you channelling, particularly when you're on the ground?
Anything in particular? - I was just being myself, really, you know.
Just getting to be, like, at one with the balloons, with the dance ―
floating like a balloon around the floor and having such a whale of a time.
There's nothing more calming than a loud pop.
Well, I didn't know― I didn't think I was that heavy. I didn't think any of them would pop.
Like, I was really actually surprised.
But it was just an added bonus, cos I got to scare Paul.
- Who's next, Paul? - I hope this one works better.
It's Melt Candell.
- OK, I'm making my entrance, Paul. You've gotta commentate. - OK.
(CHITTERS)
Here we see the red-feathered soft-belly tiramisu.
(COOS) It's beautiful.
It's― It's beautiful.
(HOOTS)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
(APPLAUSE)
Hoo!
Climate change.
(OMINOUS STING)
WHISPERS: Climate change is happening.
(COOS)
I believe it said, 'Climate change is happening.'
Oh.
OK, I think it's dying now. - (WHIMPERS)
It's― It's dead because of climate change, I believe.
Is that right? - WHISPERS: Yeah.
Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
How many flaps did you think it was gonna take? (LAUGHTER)
I thought it'd be like, (WHOOSHES). It was gonna be in a moment.
And then I had to improvise.
And then I thought, well, this has gotta have a message.
Yeah. So I guess the message of climate change was brought by wasting heaps and heaps of paper.
(LAUGHS)
Was it waste, or was it art?
OK, Paul, I'm keen for some more lung-less candle blowing out.
Here's Dai Henwood.
(SERENE MUSIC)
What's your biggest fear?
Sharks.
Pretend this flame is a shark.
This is the fin of the shark.
This is the hammerhead.
They're very― You wanna watch out for hammerheads.
This...
is you.
You can conquer the shark.
Look into my eyes.
Look at the Argentinian kumquat.
Now look at the shark.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS)
(THUD!)
As the shark is extinguished,
so has any tension and fear in your body.
Hors d'oeuvres! (SNAPS FINGERS)
Enjoy your meal. - Who's bringing the hors d'oeuvres?
Dai?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
That was genuinely moving.
Are you still scared of sharks?
Yeah.
And now he's also afraid of Argentinian kumquats. (LAUGHTER)
I don't know what that vegetable was, but it was definitely not an Argentinian kumquat.
Yeah, but that's cos I'm a therapist, not a greengrocer, Paul.
A kumquat is an orange-like fruit native to south-eastern China.
- CHUCKLES: And this is an Argentinian kumquat. - Right.
What other bold, beautiful candle extinguishing do we have in store?
Find out after the break. We'll see you soon with more Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
What an excellent series of commercials.
We'd love to show you more, but for now, it's back to Taskmaster.
Paul, where were we? - We're dealing with candles.
Today, our contestants attempting to blow one out without using their lungs.
Most bold and beautiful blow-out wins.
Paul, my desire to see more comedians attempt this task has not been extinguished.
Please, I need more.
A candle emits a ray o' light,
but in 1992, a woman named Clare emitted a Ray O'Leary.
(LAUGHTER)
Most bold and beautiful. What's beautiful around here?
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
Feels pretty beautiful to me, Paul.
What do lips look like?
- Do you like lips? - Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I like lips.
Awesome.
- Would you like my lips? - Yeah, you have good lips.
OK, that's it. You don't need to lay it on thick.
This is a workplace.
I don't want to hear you going on about how luscious my lips are
and how juicy and plump you find my lips.
That's good. She's looking hot.
This feels sensual, doesn't it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Oh!
Lumiere, the candle.
I have been your lover for as long as I can remember ― I, Cynthia, the leaf blower.
But I've learned your dirty secrets.
I learned you slapped your mother twice.
I heard you kicked an orphan in the shins.
And what's worse, is I've discovered, you've really― I've not really been dating you, Lumiere.
I've been dating your evil twin.
♪ Dun-dun-dun. ♪
It's tense, right? - Mm-hm.
And all the betrayal through all the evil you've done, Lumiere, I have no choice but to blow you out.
Au revoir, Lumiere.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(LEAF BLOWER POWERS DOWN)
Do you like her lips? - Yeah.
Do you wanna kiss her?
Uh...
(LEAF BLOWER WHIZZES)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So lip focused, Ray. - Oh, with that,
I was trying to recreate an episode of Bold and the Beautiful.
That's why all the drama was there, and I've not seen an episode,
but I assume all the women sort of have eyes,
and then sort of, like, their lips extend out like an anteater. (LAUGHTER)
I think I could handle one more comedian doing this task.
We only have one more. Last but not least, in the study with the candlestick, it's Bubbah.
The most beautiful way.
- What do you find beautiful? - Simple, like, clean blow.
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER)
A simple, clean blow.
I feel like hairspray would make it go big.
(WHOOSHES)
- What was that bit? - Like, Fire Nation vibes.
- What's Fire Nation? - The Last Airbender. - Oh.
He's like... (WHOOSHES)
- Oh, cool. - Whoa. I almost did it.
Wait, maybe I could airbend it.
- What do you mean airbend? - Well, I almost got it.
I go like this. - Whoa...
- See, this looks like the Airbender stuff. - I haven't seen it.
Do you think the Taskmaster's seen it?
Oh, wait, no! Don't count that! Nooo!
Can we light that again? - No, sorry.
- I thought it wasn't enough. - What would it have looked like if you'd done it the way youwanted?
I was gonna go like this.
(ENCHANTING MUSIC)
(MUSIC BUILDS)
(MUSIC FADES)
And it probably would have went like this.
That one would've been cool. - Yeah.
- Can we do one with the light? - We could just imagine.
Yeah. OK. let's imagine. It would've been great.
(APPLAUSE)
What a beautiful performance there at the end. It's just a shame that none of it counted.
Well, first of all, they said that I couldn't use hairspray.
So I feel hairspray was gonna make more fire rather than less fire.
I thought you spray it, and then it goes, whoo! And then it stops going whoo.
Yeah, that's exactly what they were worried about. Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
Um, OK, I've gotta score this.
Bubbah, obviously one for you, clearly.
I think both Karen and Mel were bold and beautiful.
Three points each.
I nearly fell in love, myself, with Cynthia.
She was hot. Four points.
And I genuinely think, Dai, you may have helped Paul
and helped the community with what you were doing with sharks, so I think you get five.
(APPLAUSE, KAREN AND DAI LAUGH)
OK, Paul. We've seen all our candles extinguished.
What now? - What now?
Let's go bowling.
(QUIRKY CARNIVAL MUSIC)
(CHUCKLES)
- Hello, Bubbah. - Hello.
Hello, Paul.
- Do you need a hand? - Yes, please. - Sure.
Can you please come and hold this?
Why?
Because I need you to.
So apply quite a bit of pressure upwards.
And try not to move it too much.
You got it? - Yeah.
Why do I have to do this?
Oh my...
READS: 'Put the―' Oh, it's glitter.
Oh, really?
READS: 'Put the bowl of glitter in the fridge.
'If you spill any glitter, you are disqualified.
'Fastest wins.
(SIGHS)
'Your time starts now.'
- You hold this. You come hold it. - I'm timekeeping.
- Can you hold it? - No, sorry. - OK.
(APPLAUSE)
- All right, Paul, let's get into it. - You got it, Jeremy.
Up first, attempting to put the glitter in the fridge, it's Karen O'Leary.
Do you know if the top of this broom is flat or if it's got a curve on it?
- It's slightly curved. - Cos if it was flat,
then I'd be really good at balancing it down carefully. - Oh, right.
So, maybe, can you get me a flat stick?
Anything that's just like, maybe, got a bigger circumference.
- These are flat... - Are they?
...but quite a small circumference.
But if there's two of them, that could work.
- Oh, I see. They're not very long. - Yeah, but I am actually taller than I thought.
I still very much doubt this is gonna work.
I need a bigger circumference, Paul. This is, like, too small. - OK. I could go look in the shed.
OK, great.
- You can hold that while I'm gone? - Well, time will tell.
But you could rush. That would be helpful if you could rush. - OK.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
Oh yes! Look at that stuff.
I found a piece of wood and a piece of pipe.
If you spill any glitter, you will be disqualified. - I know. I read the thing.
- OK. - This is really wobbly, though.
(LAUGHTER)
Piece of shit.
What are you― You're not supposed to laugh. You're supposed to be all straight-faced the whole time.
Is there glitter in this bowl? - I'm not sure.
No, I just need your shoulders to help me balance up there.
Cos falling off would be very embarrassing.
Can you get me a knife? - That seems like that'll make this more dangerous.
Live life on the edge, Paul.
You've got the safest knife possible. So that was... - Yeah.
(THUD!)
Did you spill any glitter? - Nah.
Do you know where the glitter is? - Uh-huh.
- Can you tell me? - WHISPERS: It's in the bowl.
- I need to find another bowl? - Yeah.
Oh, for f― God's sake.
I've stopped the clock.
Nailed it (!)
- You happy with that? - No.
See ya. - Thank you, Karen. - No, thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
Right.
So there's a twist.
How long did Karen stand there with the stick holding the bowl?
She held it there for about just under five minutes.
- So strong. - Good.
Good. - Look at the positives.
- How long did it take her to get the bowl in the fridge? - 10.13.
10.13.
Yes. 10.13. (LAUGHTER)
Up next, the glitter of the media landscape.
Here's some ads. We'll see you soon. (APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster ―
the show dedicated to answering the most important question facing New Zealand society.
Which local comedian is the best at doing silly little activities?
Paul, where are we at? - Five of New Zealand's sharpest comedy minds
are attempting to put a bowl of glitter in the fridge.
Fastest to do so wins.
Let's see some more comedians fall for your cruel, cruel tricks, Paul.
Of course. Here's Dai, Mel and Ray.
I don't like this.
Can you bring me this chair?
- Where do you want the chair? - It's fine. I got it, actually.
I don't even need your help.
You know the best revenge you can do in a break-up?
Especially if your ex had shag pile carpet―
(WHIMPERS)
...had shag pile carpet.
And then― Look, I'm over here, mate. - OK.
And then you pour a thing of glitter on the ground.
Oh yeah, but that might not be the bowl of glitter.
Wait, is it bowl glued there?
If I pull this broom away, that bowl fall down? - I'm not sure.
(BROOM CRASHES)
Hey, that was a nice little bit of subterfuge you did there.
OK. Where is the glitter?
I don't reckon it's in this room.
Where's the bowl of glitter?
Bowl of glitter. The bowl of glitter.
It was 'Put the bowl of glitter in the fridge,' right?
There's a bowl of glitter out here.
I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
Oh, it's right there.
There's the fridge.
Stopped the clock.
I've stopped the clock.
- OK.
Yeah, I reckon I might've won that.
- Thank you, Paul. - Thank you, Mel.
How did you find that?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Ray, that was uncalled for. Poor old Paul's probably still got glitter in his suit.
The whole record, the only thing I felt guilty about doing was blowing that glitter in Paul's face.
But after watching that video back, I was right to do it.
Dai thought that he'd won that one. He was the fastest.
Was he the fastest? - Well, Mel ― 4.16.
Ray ― 3.54.
And Dai ― 1.59.
Wow. OK. (APPLAUSE)
So who have we saved till last?
Last, but not Lisa ―
Why would it be Lisa? She's not on the show.
It's Bubbah.
Oh, you're (LAUGHS) kidding me.
- What's wrong? - OK, it's glued.
(BOWL CLACKS)
Where's the bowl of glitter?
Where's the bowl of glitter, Paul?
- I can't say, sorry. - Far!
Oh my God. Which fridge, Paul?! - There's only one fridge in the house.
There's only one fridge. OK. I'll be back. I'm just checking if it's in the...
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, Paul!
What?
What the hell?
(POTS CLANG)
Put the... Is it, like, a trick? - What?
Bowl of glitter.
(LAUGHTER)
That's too easy. You wouldn't put it there.
That's way too easy.
Have you seen the bowl of glitter? - Yeah.
- With glitter inside? - Uh-huh.
- Previously to this? - Yes.
- And not, like, in a dream? - I saw it.
- You touched it? - Yeah.
OK.
It's gotta be right in front of my eyes, eh.
I think I'm gonna rule out the kitchen.
- OK. - Cos that's too easy.
Ohh, yo.
Wait, you're playing with me.
You've got the bowl.
Oh man!
How long has that been?
About eight and a half minutes.
- I'm gonna look around the house. - OK.
Where's the bowl and the fridge?
- Any luck in that drawer? - No.
Am I cold or hot?
- How are you feeling? - LAUGHS: I hate you. Oh my God. I hate you.
OK.
Is it in the lake? - I can't say.
Damn!
Are you enjoying this, Paul? Do you enjoy watching this? - Yes.
Where am I not looking?
I'm not good at finding shit.
Put the bowl of glitter...
in the fridge.
What kind of glitter?
It's purple.
- Purple glitter. - Mm-hm.
Is it in the dishwasher? - No.
I feel like it's here somewhere, at least out here.
- How do you feel? - Not confident.
- Oh. - But hopeful.
How do you feel? - Not confident.
- In me? - No, in myself.
- OK. - Sorry. I thought you meant about myself.
Yeah.
You assholes!
That wasn't there the whole time.
No, that wasn't.
What the hell? OK.
Thank you, Bubbah.
(LAUGHTER)
I hate this game.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
- Yeah! - Yeah.
- Do you wanna talk about this, or should we just move on? - Just give me the time, man.
I can't believe you were blaming Paul the whole time. It was there!
And then I thought― I thought that I was gonna come here and it was real that it wasn't there.
But it was the whole time. (LAUGHTER)
- The bit where you're wandering around outside like― - I know!
I just watched it with you, man.
Bro. (LAUGHTER)
(WHINE-LAUGHS)
It's great that this whole experience you're not gonna be
reminded of every time you look at your arm. - (LAUGHS)
It did look like it took a long time, but it's not like it took half an hour.
It took 29.57. (LAUGHTER)
All right. Should we divvy out the points?
One point for Bubbah, two points for Karen,
three points for Mel, four points for Ray,
and five points for Dai Henwood. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We'll be back with our live-task dessert soon.
But first, finish off your veges. Here's another ad break.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Who will win the tattoo on Bubbah's arm? Only time will tell.
We're just about to see our comedians attempt a live task.
But before we do, Paul, can you just give us a scoreboard update, please?
In the lead with 16 points ― Dai Henwood.
Oh. (APPLAUSE)
OK, contestants, please make your way up to the stage for the live task.
- Dai Henwood, could you please read the task? - Oh, it'd be a pleasure.
READS: 'Be tall, a ball, or Paul.
'Each contestant will take it in turns to enter the changing room
'and have 15 seconds to become tall, a ball, or Paul.
'If Jeremy correctly guesses what you are, you are eliminated.
'Most deceptions wins.
'Your time starts on Paul's whistle.'
Did anyone understand that? - No.
I'm already tall.
Same (!) (LAUGHTER)
So Bubbah will enter the changing room.
She'll have 15 seconds to become either a ball...
tall, just so it's clear,
or there's a jacket in there to put on to become Paul.
Bubbah, please enter the changing station.
MEL: It's gonna be great.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(UPBEAT REGGAE MUSIC)
Five seconds. - (BLEEP)
(LAUGHTER)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Jeremy. - Bubbah...
you are tall.
(ALL 'AWW') - Correct.
- No! - Yes, you were. - You're tall.
I'm a flat ball. (LAUGHTER)
- Bubbah, you are eliminated on the first one. - Oh no! No!
Please take a seat.
- Now I got it. - (LAUGHS)
Dai Henwood, please enter the changing station.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(REGGAE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
I'm gonna ask a question, Dai.
Are you aroused? - DAI: Always.
(LAUGHTER)
You're Paul.
(AUDIENCE 'OOH'S) - He is a ball.
I'm a ball. (APPLAUSE)
- Karen. - Yeah? - Please enter the changing station.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Karen, you are Paul.
Nah.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm a flat tall.
Mel, please enter the changing station.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Are you OK, Mel? - Yeah, I'm fine.
You're a ball.
I was a ball!
Ray, please enter the changing station.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(LAUGHTER)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
You're tall.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Ray was a ball.
Our final two.
Dai Henwood, please enter the changing station.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(REGGAE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(TRILLS WHISTLE) - Dai, you are a ball.
Correct.
Ray, please enter the changing station.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(LAUGHTER)
Five seconds.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Ray, you are Paul.
There it is. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
He was tall.
All right, come on down, and we'll figure out what's going on.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Well, I reckon anyone on the first round who was out gets one point.
OK, so that's Bubbah, Karen and Mel.
- Ray gets five, clearly. - OK.
- And I think Dai should get four points. - OK.
(APPLAUSE)
So what does that mean for the overall episode points?
It means the winner of episode two with 20 points ―
Dai Henwood!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Congratulations, Dai.
You are now the official owner of your own VCR,
a cheap book and a back flip certificate.
Go up and enjoy your fare.
(APPLAUSE)
So, another episode of Taskmaster draws to a close.
We learnt that if Bubbah's on your search and rescue team, you're in a lot of trouble.
But most importantly, we learnt that Dai Henwood is the winner of Episode two.
Thank you so much for watching. See you next time. Ka kite ano.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
Captions by Jessie Puru.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023
Welcome, Paul. This is gonna be quite a trip.
Sorry, Paul, I just need to take a moment to collect myself.
As soon as that tape started to play, it looked like all of you had PTSD.
(SHRIEKS)
(LAUGHTER)