(WHEEL CLICKS)
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Two.
- (GRUNTS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Come on!
- (WHOOPS)
(THUNK!)
- That's for the haters.
- (GRUNTS)
- Clink, clink.
- Chicken Little. - Cheep.
- (IMITATES GUNFIRE)
Oh!
- (SHOUTS)
- Yaargh!
- (GIGGLES)
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2024
(DING!)
- Nau mai, piki mai. Welcome to Taskmaster.
My name's Darryl Gamis, and I'm a professional Jeremy Wells lookalike. (LAUGHTER)
And if you're watching this, Jeremy, cheers for the box of beers
and the 20 bucks. (LAUGHTER)
But as far as the rest of you are concerned, for tonight, you can call me the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
On stage tonight are five unlucky New Zealanders who have all made
the same tragic misstep of pursuing a career in comedy.
They are Abby Howells... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Ben Hurley... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Hayley Sproull... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Tom Sainsbury! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Now, our brilliant fifth competitor, Tofiga Fepulea'i, as you may know,
is unable to be with us in the studio this season,
so filling in for him for the next two eps ― it's season three champion
Josh Thompson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And, as always, next to me is the cheese to my mince,
the tomato sauce to my cheerio ― (LAUGHTER)
it's Paul Williams! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I'm in― I'm in a bit of a pickle, Jeremy.
What if my bike is like the bus from the movie Speed... (LAUGHTER)
...and what if, when I drop below 50mph, my bike blows up and I die?
- You've already dropped well below 50mph, Paul. (LAUGHTER)
- HAYLEY: Oh. Oh. - TOM: Oh. Ahh.
- Oh? (BEN GASPS)
- Great. OK, cool. - Oh, thank God. (LAUGHTER)
- You can never be too safe. - Tell us about the prize task.
- Tonight, we've asked our contestants to bring in
the best thing that one person on the panel will really want.
- Tom. - Yes?
- What have you bought tonight?
- Now, this person here, I think they could double as an...
Elvis impersonator. (LAUGHTER)
But then, I thought, you know, this is a little bit of a gamble,
so I thought I'd throw in an extra pair of shades, just because I know he'll love these.
- Oh, wow.
Can you do a― an Elvis voice at all? - AS ELVIS: # Un-uh-huh. #
- Oh! - See? See? See? I knew, I knew, I knew.
- I can do Elvis as well. - Oh, give us it.
- NORMAL VOICE: Hello, I'm Elvis, baby.
(LAUGHTER) - Absolutely brilliant.
What Elvis do you think Ben would be? Do you think he'd be sort of 1965 Elvis?
- I think he could straddle all of Elvis' career. - BEN: Thank you. Well―
Well said, Tom. - Yup.
- You know what Jeremy was going for there?
He was going for bloated Elvis, wasn't he? (LAUGHTER)
- Abby? - Yes?
- What did you bring in? - Um, I also brought in something for Ben.
I got you a signed vinyl from the Beastie Boys.
- What?! (ALL EXCLAIM)
- That's from all the Beastie Boys. They s― They― (LAUGHTER)
All have them― All of them signed it, even the one that died. (LAUGHTER)
- I remember there was another prize Abby had, and it was a journal she'd made for you, Jeremy.
And God, that― just that handwriting just...
- TOM: That B, eh? - Doesn't it?
- No, I think whoever wrote that tried to (CHUCKLES) change the way they do the E's...
- Right. - ...apart from... (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, yes. - ...apart from on 'love', where it came out again.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, Ben, what did you bring in? - There's this cliche that everyone with autism loves trains.
And there's someone on this panel who has autism... (LAUGHTER)
- ...and I know that she loves trains. - She loves trains.
- So I got her
a train ticket
to Palmerston North.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Because... - JOSH: Wow. - ...she loves trains so much,
she doesn't care what the destination is. (LAUGHTER)
- They just always come on time. (LAUGHTER)
- So this ticket here is from Wellington. - Oh, yeah.
- So Abby has to get herself to Wellington. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, look, I looked into Auckland to Palmerston North, um,
and it was really expensive. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, Hayley, what about you?
- Um, I know that my dear friend, um, Ben Hurley...
- Oh my God. (LAUGHTER)
- ...would be devastated to know that if you look online for some
erotic fanfiction about him... - Oh, good Lord.
- ...there is very little. - OK, good. (LAUGHTER)
- So as a platonic friend, I struggled through actually writing him one.
(LAUGHTER)
It's― - (GUFFAWS)
- It's called S― - (GUFFAWS)
- It's called Standing Ovation. - (WHEEZES)
- The tagline reads, 'First she came for the laughs,
'then she came for him.' - (LAUGHS)
- READS: 'Now here I was, standing outside a dressing room with the name "Ben Hurley" written on it,
'and all I can hear is the sound of my own heartbeat throbbing in my ears, and, I'll be honest,
'throbbing somewhere else as well.' (LAUGHTER)
'The doorway has plenty of room, but I make sure to brush past him on my way in,
'where I can't help but notice his wicket is standing strong.' - (LAUGHS)
'I giggle, "Ben, I'm about to knock your bails off, boy."'
So, it's really― Yeah, it's a lot. - It's a lot.
- Why am I holding a microphone and there's one in the stand? (LAUGHTER)
- AI has come so far. - (LAUGHS)
- But it still has so far to go. - OK.
- He's also got six fingers, right? Or five fingers and one thumb. - Oh my God.
(LAUGHTER)
- She'll be happy with those six fingers, I'll tell you what.
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) - Absolutely.
- OK, Josh?
- I haven't brought in any pornography, um... (LAUGHTER)
...but I did bring in something very beautiful.
A golden replica of your face, sir. (LIGHT LAUGHTER)
That's actually the winning trophy from Taskmaster New Zealand Season Three,
and you might want to know how I got that ― I got that by winning. - Right.
- Um... (LAUGHTER)
I do know that someone on this panel really wants to win tonight, and the entire thing.
They've been going about like, 'Aha ha, it's just a bit of a laugh, I don't really care who wins,'
but I wouldn't be surprised if sometime during this week,
Hayley Sproull murdered someone on this panel. (LAUGHTER)
- All right. Tom, I think you've got one point for your glasses. - Right.
- I think two points for Abby and the Beastie Boys album. - OK, can I level with you, Jeremy?
That actually wasn't signed by the Beastie Boys. - HAYLEY: What (?!)
- Well, now that you said that, actually, I'm gonna take a point off you. You're gonna get onepoint.
Two points now for Tom. - Yes!
- OK. (LAUGHTER)
- Um, the train ticket should be three points. - Sure, I'll take that.
- I think four points for the erotic fiction and five points for Tofiga, via Josh Thompson, forthe head.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Come on. For my boy.
- Let's dive into another task, should we?
- Great idea, Jeremy, but brace yourselves ― this task is moving.
(KOOKY MUSIC)
- Hello. - Hello, Abby.
Hello, Tom. - (GASPS) Hello.
- Hello, Tofiga. - Hey, Paul.
- How are you? - Not good.
- Oh, mate, we really gotta work on that. - Yeah.
- Wow.
- Ooh.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- OK.
- READS: 'Move Paul.
- 'Most moved Paul wins.
- 'You have 20 minutes.
- 'Your time starts now.'
- Emotionally moved or physically moved?
- All the information you need is in the task. - OK.
(APPLAUSE)
- OK, who's Paul-moving are we gonna see first?
- I would move mountains for these men, but can they move me? It's Ben and Tofiga.
- Ooh, I know.
You could be a chess piece, and then I'd have to move you a lot.
Like, if you were a piece that you move a lot, like a knight. - SOFTLY: Yes!
- You could dance for 10 seconds. Go.
- Oh, now? - Yeah.
That's not a dance.
Bit more upper body.
- (SNAPS)
- I'm gonna make a chessboard now. I need lots of, uh, rope.
Oh, there's some rope. Oh, that's helpful, that's helpful.
- Go down to the bath and back on the bike.
That's it.
Awesome.
Can you ride the bike again,
but this time singing the national anthem?
- # E Ihowa Atua... #
- Guy's crazy, man.
- OK, I've spent three-quarters of the time making a rudimentary chess board.
Queen. Bishop.
- 20 sit-ups.
- Sit-ups? - Yep. No days off, bro.
- (GRUNTS) - That's the one. One...
- (GRUNTS) - Two... That's the one.
- OK, let's play. - You've got two minutes. - Yep.
I'm gonna move my knight.
One, two, three,
and across one.
- Uh, 15 push-ups. - I don't know what that is.
- Lie on your stomach. Yeah, that's the one.
Now put your hands where they were just then, on your side.
OK, now move back and forth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) That's it. 10 of those.
One...
- You've got 20 seconds. - One, two and three...
Oh, they could take you, but for some reason, they're not.
- Nine... (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
10.
- One, two...
three. I think that's check.
He's gonna move out of the way. (WHISTLE HOOTS) Ah.
(PANTS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Josh, I don't think I've ever seen someone move so little while telling someone else to move so much.
- Well, you know, Tofiga's, you know, playing the task,
and the task is to make Paul move, not himself move.
And by sitting still, he's putting more of a contrast in,
so if anything, he's doing it better.
- I love the dance. Could you do a rendition of that dance for us now? - Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) - Righty.
(SNAPS) - ABBY: Yeah. - HAYLEY: Wow.
- Look at that. Look at that. - That's pretty good.
- So there's movement there. - Bit of hip in there.
Really snapped those hips. - Yeah, there's a little bit of sex in the old dog yet, isn't there.
(LAUGHTER)
- What?! - Who would have thought?
Ben, you did a lot of running around. I mean, you hardly moved Paul at all.
- Oh, I did, but I spent 17 of the 20 minutes making a chessboard. (LAUGHTER)
- You probably could have spent that time just moving Paul.
- Yeah. In retrospect, you have a point. (LAUGHTER)
- So, in terms of chess moves, he moved me eight times.
- Oh, that's pathetic.
Now, to all of you at home, please leave the moving to us.
You stay right where you are.
We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this. Ka kite akuanei. (APPLAUSE)
(MUSICAL FLOURISH)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster. Where were we, Paul?
- Up next, attempting to move a man
who has cried for the entire duration of every movie he's ever seen,
it's Abby and Tom.
- Move Paul.
I'm gonna do you a play. - OK.
- And it's gonna be the most moving play you've ever experienced.
- Do you wanna come with me? - Where are we going?
- To the performance of a lifetime.
(SOFT HARP MUSIC)
I'm gonna tell you a story all about a girl ―
a girl who grew up in the sewers
because her mother died in childbirth and her father was poisoned by his enemies.
- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Theatre de Tomas.
One day at the castle, Tomlet was walking past the bathroom and he heard muffled struggling.
He peered in through the keyhole.
- Into the bathroom? - Yeah.
- Hardly appropriate. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- One day, a shaft of light came down for the first time.
'Maybe today is the day I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna dance in the sun.'
- 'I need to see the queen.'
His stepmother standing over the king ―
'I shall be queen.'
- She is queen. - She is, but queen alone.
- OK.
- 'Me and my kin will be the new royals.'
- They are still the royals. - She is, but she's got kids from a previous marriage.
If I have to explain it to you, you're not gonna be moved. - OK, sorry.
- (IMITATES FOOTSTEPS)
'Whoa! Is this what Earth is like-'
Bang! (GASPS, GROANS)
(SPLUTTERS)
'Oh, no! I've been shot.'
Gun violence ― it's a problem.
'I should never have trusted the world.'
- So Tomlet packs his things together.
He gets into his carriage.
Oh no, the carriage runs into the orphanage.
Just... children everywhere. - It's a bloodbath.
- I guess you're probably wondering who I am. I'm the little girl.
And I just wanted to tell you I dance in the sun every single day
in heaven. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(WHISTLE HOOTS) - OK.
- Wait, what was the dancing at the end?
- I was just moving you to joy.
(APPLAUSE)
- So, Tom, was that dance there at the end― was that planned, or was that just sort of sheer desperation?
- It was a little bit of desperation, but I just thought, you know, 'moved' could be positive,
and, you know, I know that my dance moves really lift people's spirits,
and so I thought, why not give that a go as well?
- How do you think it went? - I think I failed.
(LAUGHTER)
- Abby, yours was deeply moving, it seemed, mainly for you.
- No, I saw a distinct facial expression on Paul's face.
Yeah, that one. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER)
- There seems to be a theme as well. I don't know, Abby.
A lot of people seem to be dying ― in childbirth, particularly.
I feel like this is the third time that's happened.
- CHUCKLES: And there's more coming up the pipeline. - Oh, wow. Wow.
- You've never been through child-'breath', have you?
- I've never been through child-'breath', no. (CHUCKLES) - Oh, right.
- No, I mean, I have. - Right.
- I was born. - Yeah, you were. (LAUGHTER)
- That's― Yeah. - You're a victim of childbirth rather than...
- Yeah. I was like, 'Oh, I get to be by myself, and it's warm and lovely. No one hasslesme.'
And then I come out, and it's, like, nothing but hassle.
'Oh, your play doesn't make sense. You talk about death all the time.' (LAUGHTER)
- (CACKLES)
OK. I wanna see one more futile attempt to move you, please, Paul.
- Up last, we've got a woman who's got a license to drive.
It's Hayley.
- READS: 'You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now.'
Do you wanna come to my house? - What do you mean?
- Do you wanna come to my house? - What, you're gonna drive me to your house?
- Let's go. Come on. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Get in my car.
'Move Paul'? I'll move ya.
I might have to stop at a dairy.
If you could get anything, what would you want? - Uh, maybe an ice cream.
- How do we look time-wise? - You've got six minutes and 55 seconds.
- Hey, babe. Hey, Andrew. - Hi. - Hey, darling.
- We'll just move the washing. - Hello. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Um, this is my house, Paul. - It's beautiful.
- Thank you. - Do you have a favourite room?
- It's a double shower. We're both in here. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Look how much room. - Yeah.
Wow. - I mean, look. We could, like, walk around.
(WHISTLE HOOTS)
Great.
Do you wanna go back with the crew? Cos I feel like now that I'm here, I may as well juststay.
- We can walk. - OK.
See you, team. - Thank you.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- At first I thought, 'Wow, that's such a beautiful big shower,'
but you need a shower that size when you're operating a throuple. - (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Aaron and Andrew. We're very happy together. (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah.
So how far did Hayley drive you? - So it was 6.8km, but I also did four laps of her giant shower.
- Oh, yeah. So we're gonna score this.
I think trying to move Paul emotionally, that was a tough challenge.
Probably, Tom, you get one point there. Abby, two for you.
- Jeremy, what happened to us? (LAUGHTER)
- It's just one of those things. You've just gotta do better. (LAUGHTER)
Three points for Ben, who moved more than Paul, which seems silly, but still, three points.
Four points for...
Tofiga
and five points for Hayley,
because 6.8km is quite a long way to move Paul. - That's a long way.
(APPLAUSE)
- How's the episode score looking, Paul?
- In first equal, both on nine points, it's Hayley and Tofiga. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Right. Things are starting to get interesting, Paul.
Let's rip right into another task. - Sure thing. Let's give this one a spin.
(KOOKY MUSIC)
- READS: 'Live life to the fullest with this frisbee. You have one hour. Your time startsnow.'
What?
- Start living life to the fullest, please.
- What?
Was that it?
(APPLAUSE)
- ABBY: Did you do that? - HAYLEY: No.
- So what's happening there? - I just thought Ben needed to live life to the fullest.
(LAUGHTER)
- I was so confused. I was like, I don't remember this task at all.
- This almost (BLEEP) killed me. (LAUGHTER)
It was at the end of the day. It was, like, half past 5 at night.
- We didn't do this. - Oh, no shit, Sproull! (LAUGHTER)
- I think there's too much joy to consume right now,
so we've actually peppered it throughout the rest of the episode. - Oh my God. I'm so dirty.
- I can't wait to see you live life to the fullest, Ben. It's gonna be great.
- Let's crack on. Launching the next task in three, two, one, fire.
(KOOKY MUSIC)
- Hello. - Hello, Abby.
- Bonjour. - Bonjour, Hayley.
- How are you? - Good, thank you.
- It's gonna be a tricky one, right? - What makes you think that?
- The egg.
- READS: 'Protect the egg.
- 'The egg will be launched from Paul's catapult in exactly 18 minutes.
- 'Least damaged egg wins.
- 'Your time starts...
'nnnnow.'
- Is this the egg? - Yeah.
- That's my little baby? - Correct.
(SNIFFS)
It's definitely fresh.
- Can you show me your catapult? - Yes.
- CHUCKLES: Oh my God.
- (CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - Oh, man.
- OK, this task seems pretty straightforward. Let's see you catapult some eggs.
Paul, who's first? - It's Ben and Tom.
- Can we do a little test to see? Like, with something else?
- Just stay back, cos it's quite full-on.
- This is dangerous-looking.
(CRANK CLICKS)
- Oh, I see how this works.
- You're very good at this.
- Test launch in three, two, one ― launch!
(CATAPULT RATTLES)
- About there. OK.
- Strap stuff around it and then catch it.
- What are the ladders for? - I need, like, a tarp or a sheet.
- OK, I'm gonna pack it in wigs.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
One wig.
Brian May wig.
(THUMP!) - Oh, shoot.
(TAPE TEARS) - Here we go.
- OK, I've had a rethink. Here's the egg.
- Got a lot of leftover wigs.
- Good luck, egg.
- Preparing to launch. - I'm in position.
- You're not gonna hold the pool? - No. I'm gonna raw dog it.
- Three... Two...
One.
(CATAPULT RATTLES)
- Oh, didn't even move! (CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Well, it was a terrible catch.
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- The moment of truth.
- Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Where are you?
- (GASPS)
- Bah-bah-bah-bah...
(BOKS)
- Zero damage to the egg.
The egg is uncracked.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- It was a good catch. - Thanks.
- Why did you need to wear a wig underneath your helmet?
- You look psychotic. (LAUGHTER)
- I just had a few leftover wigs, and just giving it a little bit of extra spice.
- Bit of that.
- Tom, you seemed very impressed... - Yes.
- ...that Paul here could operate a catapult.
- I mean, it's not a skill that you need in everyday life, is it?
- I grew up in a really rough/medieval neighbourhood. (LAUGHTER)
- Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't realise that, so there we go. That's where the skill comes from.
- So many sieges. - Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- There is more egg-catapulting to come after this ad break, but first,
a quick little check-in on Ben Hurley living his life to the fullest with a frisbee.
- I'm not very good at Frisbee. - Keep living life to the fullest, please.
- OK.
For an hour? Oh, I'm so enjoying this (!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Are you living life to the fullest?
- Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I dropped it. - I'll get it. - Thanks.
(APPLAUSE)
- Tena tatou katoa. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Paul, please give us a recap of where we were.
- Our contestants are trying to protect an egg that's being launched from a giant catapult.
- All right, who's next with the eggs, then, Paul?
- You think an egg's gonna scare these guys?
These guys eat eggs for breakfast.
It's Hayley and Tofiga.
- There rope or string to add? - I can go get rope if you want. - Can you?
- I'm gonna put the egg in here. - OK.
- If you touch it, I will murder you. - OK.
- I'm gonna grab a few things.
- Isa!
Thank you, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
- I don't respond well to threats.
- You good at doing knots? - Not at all.
- Not at all?
- WHISPERS: Good luck.
- You ready to go? - Ready to go, brother.
- (GRUNTS)
That wasn't good.
- Have you fired anything else from your catapult? - Just eggs.
- Have you tried kids?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Let's go.
- What about small dogs and that, eh?
- This baby ain't getting smashed.
- OK, are you ready? - Yep.
- Three... Go, egg! Two, one...
- Cool (!)
- Go! (CATAPULT RATTLES)
- You would've lost the war by now.
Whoa! (CATAPULT RATTLES)
What a stink catapult, man.
It only went, like, 10m.
- Hayley's egg is unbroken.
The egg is intact.
- The egg is intact.
- Enjoy your egg. - Thank you, Hayley.
- Are you gonna poach, fry or scramble? - I go raw.
- Like a real man.
(CRUNCH!)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, APPLAUDS)
Oh, far out. - Oh, Paul.
I've talked to you about eating raw eggs before. This is not the first time you've done that.
- I love eggs. (LAUGHTER)
- Tell you what, Tofiga had an interesting idea, didn't he, Josh?
Where he was saying, you know, why wouldn't you use this catapult to catapult babies, small children?
- Some kids. Small dogs. Yeah. - Yeah, small dogs. - Yeah, branch out.
I mean, again, I don't― Like, a poor craftsman blames his tools. I don't wanna have a go atPaul.
But it might be unfair to penalise Tofiga for, um, Paul's lack of back strength.
- Can I say ― a good craftsman congratulates his tools.
Shout out to the catapult. (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah. Actually, I think you're a marvellous tool. (LAUGHTER)
- Hayley, how do you feel knowing that Paul touched your egg? You said that you were gonna murder him.
- Yeah, that's the plan.
Obviously, I'll wait for the rest of the episodes, but after that, yeah, you're dead meat.
- All right. So that's four comedians down and four completely unscathed eggs.
We could be on the track for the first ever five points to everybody here on the panel.
- (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER)
- Lastly, it's Abby Howells.
- OK. I found some jeans, and then I have some nice soft fabric. Soft, soft, soft.
- (GRUNTS) - Do you want scissors? - Yeah.
(SNEAKY MUSIC)
(MOUTHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, thank you.
Mm. We're ready.
Come on, jeans.
Three, two, one... (CATAPULT RATTLES)
Whoa!
Sounded soft.
Let's go have a geez.
It was a decoy!
(LAUGHS)
- In five seasons of Taskmaster... - (LAUGHS)
- ...I've never been so humiliated. - (LAUGHS)
I'll think you'll find it's in pristine condition.
- What did the task say?
- CHUCKLES: Don't do this, please.
Paul, no!
- This brings me no joy. - Paul, you don't have to do this.
(MOURNFUL MUSIC)
- Watch it, please. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CATAPULT RATTLES)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Our trust... - Yeah?
- ...was like the shell of this egg.
- Over here and over here. - And― And broken.
- Broken. Broken. - Completely shattered.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Abby...
- Oh, Abby, Abby, Abby. Although, I thought it was a bit psychotic of you to make her watch
as you obliterated the egg. (LAUGHTER)
- I was upset.
- When I was standing there, I was, like, on top of the world right now.
Can't wait to see him look at it. I've tricked him.
And Jeremy's gonna be like, yes, you bamboozled Paul. Good one, Abby.
Everyone stands up and, 'Oh, she's bloody done it.'
'Let me change chairs with you, Abby. You should be the Taskmaster.' (LAUGHTER)
And we had to go and spoil it all and say something stupid like, 'Let me catapult your egg.'
- If you'd just put the egg in the thing that you'd made and then biffed it, you would've got...You know.
- But where's the showbiz? Where's the prestige? (LAUGHTER)
- So how do you wanna score this?
- OK, well, it seems... - Jeremy...
- I know. Look, I'm sorry, but I can only give you one. I can't give you any more than that.
I mean, you're lucky to get one, to be honest.
- I am lucky to get one, frankly. - I should probably give you zero. - Judas got 30 pieces ofsilver.
(LAUGHTER)
- How many for everyone else? - Well, I think everyone else gets four, other than Ben Hurley,
who caught his. - Yesss.
- I thought that was a great show of skill, so I'll give him five for that.
- OK. (APPLAUSE)
- I'll take that.
- All right, Paul, load another task up for us.
- New task, new me.
(KOOKY MUSIC)
Hello, Ben. - Festive.
- Happy new year, Paul. - Happy new year.
- Happy new year!
- Happy birthday.
Happy new year.
- My man. - My man.
- How was your year? - Really hard.
- Oh, another one. What can we do?
- I need some money. - I really can't help you there.
- Um, all right, here we go.
- READS: 'Ring in the new year in style.
- 'Your New Year's celebration must have a dance...
- 'A kiss...
- '...a drink and a resolution.
- 'You have 45 seconds to ring in the new year.
- 'Your five-minute countdown to the new year starts now.'
- Oh, God, I hate New Year's. This is like my nightmare ― is being stuck in this.
(APPLAUSE)
- Ben, you don't like New Year's parties? - Hate New Year's Eve.
- Why? - It's like, 'Oh, tonight, we're staying up to midnight.'
(LAUGHTER) - Do you know what I hate?
And everyone looks you in the eye. - CHUCKLES: Yeah.
- HAYLEY: Auld Lang Syne. - Auld Lang Syne.
And they're all like, 'Look at me,' and I'm like, 'I'd rather perish.'
- What's this? - BEN: You don't know about Auld Lang Syne?
- It's, like, Scottish. - I don't know what this was. - Oh.
- Yeah, I thought that was Gangnam Style. (LAUGHTER)
- No, this is actually Hayley in a throuple. - Hey!
(LAUGHTER)
Come on, then. Come on. - OK, so...
Unlike you, Ben, I love a new year party. Show me some new year ringing-inning, please, Paul.
- You know them from Taskmaster New Zealand Season Five ―
here's Abby, Ben, Hayley, Tofiga and Tom.
- A drink. OK. What's this?
- We've got a drink here.
- It's a party popper. - CHUCKLES: That's a party popper.
- I mean, you could drink that, but it would be small bits of paper.
- It's just water, so it's, I guess, not the most festive.
I'll make it festive.
(POP!) All right.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- A mysterious green liquid? - A mysterious green liquid.
- I sort of want you to be, like, (CHUCKLES) a stripper on the table. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Is there some phrase about kissing one of these guys?
- Kiss a croc, avoid the dock, is what my mum used to say.
- Yeah. Still got it.
- Why do you know the dance from cats?
- I used to do it every day in my bedroom when I was a little kid,
and I thought, one day the bullies will see me doing this, and they'll think I'm cool.
- There is a thimble. That's what the kiss is in Peter Pan.
- 10 seconds.
- Nine...
- Eight...
seven..
six...
five...
four...
three...
two...
One.
- Happy new year!
- # Happy new year. #
- I'm gonna do that flossing the kids do, cos I'm really good at that. Whoo-hoo!
- I don't know what that is.
- Here's your kiss.
- Happy new year, Cassandra.
- Mwah. A kiss.
- (KISSES) A kiss to everyone.
- Oh my God, the stripper's here. (SHRIEKS) Take it off, take it off!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- You've got 20 seconds.
- My New Year's resolution...
- Kiss, drink, resolution. (SNAPS)
- I'm done.
(WHISTLE HOOTS)
- Oh my God, you're amazing.
Where are you going, party boy? - Just to get my whistle.
(WHISTLE HOOTS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Was that after the whistle? - No.
- (GASPS)
- Uh-oh. What's this?
- Is that another one? - Yeah.
- (SIGHS) Gosh.
(POP! POP!)
- (GROANS)
- Perfect.
- READS: 'Happy new year.
- 'Complete your New Year's resolution.
- 'Most complete resolution wins.
- 'You have 15 minutes. (CHUCKLES)
- 'Your time starts now.' What?
(APPLAUSE) - I forgot about that.
- Tom, you made a beeline straight for that mysterious green liquid.
- I know, (WAVERS) and I haven't been the same since. (LAUGHTER)
- Abby, did you ever get a chance to prove those bullies wrong by showing off your skills in musical theatre?
- I think I just did, Jeremy. (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, where are those bullies now? They're doctors and lawyers. (LAUGHTER)
- This― This show does rate very well with bullies.
- Yeah, it's literally based on bullying. (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, well, Hayley's was basically based on sexual harassment. - Yeah.
- Is it traditional to have a stripper at New Year? (LAUGHTER)
- What, you've never hired a stripper for your New Year's party? - That's like a bach―
- You're such a square bear. (LAUGHTER)
- My New Year's resolution ― watch more ads.
More Taskmaster after some ads and four seconds of Ben Hurley having fun with a frisbee.
(APPLAUSE)
- (SIGHS)
- Are you living life to the fullest? - Yeah.
- You sound disappointed. - (SCOFFS) I don't know why you thought that (!)
(APPLAUSE)
- Hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
Where we're about to learn which New Zealand comedians can come up with proper New Year's resolutions,
and which comedians just do joke ones because they refuse to look inwards
for fear of what they might find there. Is that about right, Paul?
- That's right. Our contestants were tasked with making a New Year's resolution and then completing it
within 15 minutes.
First up ― 'Abby' new year. This year's 'Ben' good.
It's Abby and Ben.
- So my resolutions were
be kind to myself, party hard,
(LAUGHS) party fresh, and no scrubs.
- What does no scrubs mean? - (CHUCKLES) It means no bad boys.
- What was your resolution? - Never to do New Year's again.
- So you got any New Year's plans this year? - No.
- Good answer. - Nice try.
- OK, this is me being kind to myself.
I like your haircut. You tried something new with the fringe.
It didn't work, and you grew it out, and that's fine.
- We're gonna do anti-New Year.
- So you've kinda sucked that back. - Yeah, I've sucked it back.
- All right, Paul, it's time to party hard.
(POP!) - Whoo-hoo! (CHUCKLES) Whoa.
(WHOOPS)
- And the opposite of dancing? - Standing against the wall, like that song.
I'm just gonna lean against Jeremy here.
- Now it's time to party fresh in the fresh air.
- Do you wanna go to a music festival? - No, thanks. Anti-New Year!
(POP!) - Whoo!
Yeah! Whoo!
- Welcome to the 1st of January, just like any other day.
- You gonna walk backwards? - I don't have to do everything else backwards, do I?
- Thank you, Ben. - Thanks, Paul.
- Happy new year. - Oh no.
(TRAP MUSIC)
- Hey, baby. - Hey.
Are you respectful? - No.
- Then get out of here, scrub! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Abby, I think it was nice that you forgave yourself
for that brief foray that you had, obviously, into fringes.
- It's always a mistake, OK? - It's always a mistake. Don't do it.
- Yeah. But, you know, it's good to party hard and party fresh as well.
- Yeah. Well, you actually had quite a few resolutions.
- I did. Everyone was like, 'Whoa, how's she gonna do this?'
Don't worry, baby's got it covered. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah. Whereas, Ben, how are you gonna do nothing, really?
- I'm just not gonna do New Year. I don't like organised fun. (LAUGHTER)
- What do you call this?
- Um, my job.
(LAUGHTER) - HAYLEY: That's fair.
- All right, let's see some more New Year's resolution resolving.
- These guys are dynamite. It's TNT ― Tom and Tofiga.
And what's your resolution? - Continue to spread the love.
- My New Year's resolution is to
end my relationship
with Cassandra the croc.
- How else can I share love with you, Paul?
- Uh... - Want me to read you a story?
- Cassandra, I think you know what I'm gonna say.
I know you've probably been feeling it, too.
I can't see whatever this is going much further.
It's not you; it's me, and I wish all the best for you, Cassandra.
God, that was much harder than I thought was gonna be, Paul. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- (SNAPS) - # Once upon a time,
# there was this man.
# He had a dog,
# and it was a German Shepherd. - # Shepherd.
- # He took it for a walk
# down to the park. - # Park.
- # The man said, 'Hey,
# 'no dogs allowed.
# 'Why don't you
# 'read the sign?'
# The man said,
# 'I can read it,
# 'but my dog can't.' # (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
After that, they had hot dogs, cos the dog was old and it just...
died.
And they just cut it up. - That's quite a sad ending.
- He was sharing the love. He shared it with the man that said 'No dogs allowed.'
- Oh.
- Cos cost of living's expensive now, but you have a pet ― best friend ―
and then becomes, you know, a meal. Share a meal with your new friend.
(WHISTLE HOOTS)
(APPLAUSE)
- Tom, that was quite an intense break-up with Cassandra,
considering you'd only been together for five minutes.
- I know, and it wasn't a clean break either. - Yeah.
So, Josh, Tofiga's idea of spreading the love... - Mm.
- ...was to write a song about taking a German Shepherd down to a park. - Yup.
- You then cut the German Shepherd up into bits and then eat it with the person who was complaining
about you having the dog down at the park in the first place. - Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of the ultimate burn.
Oh, I can't bring my dog? Well, what if I eat it, then? (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah. Beautiful. Now, Paul, we must have one New Year's resolution to go.
- She loves marching, but does she love December-ing and January-ing?
It's Hayley.
- Make Paul rich. - Huh.
- We need something we can do in 15 minutes to make you rich. Why don't we blackmail someone?
- Who? - Urzila Carlson?
She's got a bit of money. I've got quite damning photos of her.
- What are they? - Photos of her kissing women.
- How have you got so many photos of her? - Don't ask.
GRUFF AMERICAN ACCENT: 'Urzila Carlson, I have pictures of your feet,
'and I have pictures of you kissing women that nobody knows about.'
How much did you want? - WHISPERS: $20.
- 'I will release these to the media unless you transfer to me $20. You've got...'
- 10 minutes and 16 seconds. - '...10 minutes and 16 seconds!'
Oh, OK, she's replied.
- URZILA ON PHONE: Well, well, well. Looks like someone needs some vagina pictures too.
You've only got the feet? I've got so much more.
Incoming.
- Seems like she kind of wants to be blackmailed. - Yeah, I know.
OK. She sent me a photo that looks quite rude, but I can tell that it's actually just her mouthon the side.
Otherwise, I'm gonna be in quite a lot of trouble.
- Yeah, she's not really grasping the blackmail kind of― - Yeah.
'You have six minutes, Urzila. Transfer me $20... or I'll...
'burn your house down.'
(SIGHS)
OK, she's sent a voice.
- URZILA: OK, OK, fine. I'm doing it.
- Yes. OK.
- Now... - BOTH: We wait.
- This is nerve-wracking. - You've got one minute.
- I've got a dot, dot, dot. - 25 seconds.
- Hayley Sproull, $20.
- She's paid the money. - You are rich.
'Got yaaa,' I sent. (WHISTLE HOOTS)
(APPLAUSE)
- Why do you have these photos of Urzila kissing women? - Um, I would rather not say. Um...
We're very close. And so I have sort of, throughout the years, quite a number of pictures ofUrzila.
- How many throuples are you running? (LAUGHTER)
- I've got so― I've got so many on the go. It's just everywhere.
- OK, I'm thinking Ben Hurley gets one point, because we're not gonna know whether or not
your New Year's resolutions come true until this new year. - That's true.
- So one point for you.
I think two points for Tofiga. Eating the dog was just a bit intense for a 7.30 TV-to-audience.
- Yet not doing New Year's is worse than murdering a dog. (LAUGHTER)
- Three points for you and Cassandra, cos I know that you're gonna go back for sloppy seconds at some stage.
I think four points for Hayley because that was successful,
and I think five for Abby, because you completed four New Year's resolutions, which is impressive.
- Thank you, Jeremy. We're back baby. (APPLAUSE)
- After the break, we'll do a live task and find out the winner for this episode.
Don't miss it, or someone will spoil it for you at work tomorrow. We'll be back in just a moment.
(APPLAUSE)
- Keep living life to the fullest, please. - PUFFS: Yeah, OK.
- Is that fun? - Yeah, it is, kind of.
- OK. - Getting a real rhythm.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (SHOUTS)
Yes!
- Come on.
Come on! - Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We're just about to find out who gets to go home with a porn- and train-based prize pack.
But first, may I have a score update, please, Paul?
- I have to ask first ―
Is Ben getting any points for living life to the fullest with a frisbee for an hour?
- (PUFFS) I don't know whether Ben deserves a point for that.
- HAYLEY: Oh my God. - Not a single point?
- You were having a good time on the bike.
- The task was to live life to the fullest. - We're helping you.
- I've never seen him angrier. (LAUGHTER)
- Can I say ― when you're real angry, Ben, something happens to your skin that just really glows.
Hey, I don't know what moisturiser you're using, but you look great. - It's called seething.
- Mate, look. OK, I'll give you a point, all right? - In some ways, it's worse.
I'll take a point. - OK. (APPLAUSE)
- So, the scores for Episode Five ― out in front with 17 points, Hayley Sproull.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, everyone, you all know what to do.
Head on up to the stage for the final task. (APPLAUSE)
Can someone tell me what's going on up there, please?
- Abby, will you please read the task? - It would be my honour.
READS: 'Pinch, protect or plunder.
'If you choose to pinch, you may pinch one point from the person you choose.
'If you choose to plunder, you may plunder all the points of the person you choose.
'If you choose to protect, you cannot be plundered, but you cannot protect from a pinch.
'Most points wins.'
- Let's get it, cowboy.
- Round one. Abby.
- I will plunder Tom Sainsbury.
(LAUGHTER)
- Tom, are you protected? - I'm not. I'm gonna Josh plunder.
- (WHOOPS)
- Tom has been plundered.
- Give us his balls. - Three balls...
to Abby.
Josh, are you protected?
- I am pinching Abby.
- Three balls...
to Tom.
Josh, you are pinching from Abby. One ball.
Gripping stuff. (LAUGHTER)
Ben Hurley. - Yes. Well, I'm gonna plunder Tom too.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hayley. - Protect.
- You are safe. - Lame! (LAUGHTER)
- For round two, we're gonna start with Ben Hurley.
- I...
am going to protect.
- OK. Hayley Sproull.
- I would like to plunder Josh.
- Josh, reveal your board.
- I am pinching from Abby.
- You have been plundered. - God damn it. (LAUGHTER)
- Tom, reveal your board. - I'm gonna plunder Hayley.
- It's a good haul.
Abby. - Plunder Ben.
- # Womp, womp, womp, womp. # (LAUGHTER)
- That is the end of round two. (APPLAUSE)
The final round with Hayley.
- I am a feminist.
However, I'm plundering Abby.
- Plunder Josh. - You're not protected. You have been plundered by Hayley.
Josh, reveal yours.
- I want to pinch Abby. (LAUGHTER)
- As you were not protected, yours has been plundered by Abby.
- Are you just gonna pinch it back? - SHOUTS: You're goddamn right, I am!
(LAUGHTER) - It's been pinched back.
Ben Hurley. - I'm going to pinch Josh.
- This ball getting a lot of mileage this round.
Tom, reveal your board.
- I was gonna pinch from Abby too,
but, alas, there's nothing there, right?
- Nothing. (ALL EXCLAIM)
- All right, everyone. Come on down and we'll score it. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So Abby and Josh got zero balls; Hayley and Tom had four, and Ben won the live task with seven balls.
- HAYLEY: Really great stuff. - Thank you.
- All right. - So how would you like to score that?
- I think it probably makes sense that last place, one point.
- For Abby and Josh. - Yes.
And then three points for second place.
- Hayley and Tom, equal on four. - That's right.
And then first place, Ben Hurley, five points. - Thank you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right, so before we announce a winner, Paul, what's happening with the overall series scores?
- With a three-point lead with 83 points, Hayley Sproull. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- And Paul, who has won Episode Five? - She's our series leader and she's won her first episode ―
It's Hayley Sproull! - Yay!
- Congratulations, Hayley! You're now the proud owner of some things you may or may not want.
Please get up to the stage and enjoy your bounty.
Ka kite ano.
Po manahau, Aotearoa.
('TASKMASTER' THEME)
(APPLAUSE)
Captions by Rebecca Scholtz. Edited by Jessie Puru.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2024
- This is gonna be quite obscure television.
- (KISSES) Delicious.
- Come on.
- (WHINES)
- Not bad. (LAUGHTER)
- House Ahoy, cap'n.
- Aye!
- Lord have mercy. (CHUCKLES)
- What's that bit for?
- There's so much to unpack there. (LAUGHTER)