(WHEEL CLICKS)
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Two.
- (GRUNTS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Come on!
- (GRUNTS)
- (WHOOPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- That's for the haters.
- (GRUNTS)
- Clink, clink.
- Chicken Little. - Cheep.
- (IMITATES GUNFIRE)
(KEYS CLACK)
Oh!
- (SHOUTS)
- Yaargh!
- He he he he!
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
- Tena tatou katoa, and welcome to Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and while I think Kmart seats, karma tests and Marks teats are all fine,
the truth is that there's only one way I like those letters arranged.
That's right. It's the title of Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Tonight we've invited five comedians to compete in a series of tasks.
I'll give each comedian an appropriate level of points based on my infallible point-awardingsystem,
mostly based on vibes. Whoever wins the most points at the end of the season will receivethis.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh.
- Competing for this trophy and hoping not to look as foolish as they really are,
it's Abby Howells... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Ben Hurley... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Hayley Sproull... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Tom Sainsbury. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Unfortunately, Tofiga Fepulea'i can't be with us in the studio,
so back again to defend his honour and stand in his place is the winner of Taskmaster seasonthree.
Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Thomson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And by my side, as always, is my trusty sidekick.
He's the Samwise to my Frodo, the Sundance Kid to my Butch Cassidy, and the Donkey to my Shrek.
(LAUGHTER) Please give a huge round of applause to Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Before we got started tonight, my mum asked if I would use my platform to perform a song aboutbullying.
So I'd like to do that, if that's OK.
# Hey, everybody.
(PLAYS CHEERFUL TUNE)
# Haven't you heard?
# There's no better feeling in this world
# than picking on nerds. (LAUGHTER)
# Bullying is the best.
# It makes you feel so alive.
# Just find someone's insecurities and make them cry. (LAUGHTER)
- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. - # Bullying is the best. # - Hold on for a second.
So, is this an anti-bullying song or a pro-bullying song?
- P-Pro, I guess, yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Are you sure your mum would want you to do that?
- Actually, that's a good point. (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I guess maybe she― she wanted anti-bullying.
(LAUGHTER)
We'll edit that out. (LAUGHTER)
- All right. Should we start with tonight's prize task?
- So, tonight we've asked our contestants to bring in the thing that's best from far away.
Whoever has brought in the best thing from far away will receive five points,
and whoever wins the episode will get to take home all five great-from-far-away things.
- Abby, what did you bring in? - I brought in a lovely, beautiful, sexy lady.
Oh my God. She's so sexy from far away and lovely. (LAUGHTER)
But if you look at her close ― oh my God, her tattoos are so problematic. (LAUGHTER)
She's got a slur on her chest.
She's got 'Pestilence'.
And look at her legs.
'I looked into eugenics, and it doesn't seem that bad.'
(LAUGHTER) - Oh, wow.
- She's just best from far away, I think,
even though she's a lovely, beautiful lady printed with sexy ink. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER) - If she was just wearing more clothes, it'd be fine.
- HAYLEY: You wouldn't even notice. - No, but she― she never does; that's the thing.
(LAUGHTER) And sexy ink, baby, is the best.
- Ben, what did you bring in?
- Well, Jeremy, have you ever seen the sun from close up? (LAUGHTER)
The sun close up is a massive, fiery ball of gas.
But far away, it's a beautiful pinprick of light in the sky.
It is a star, and I purchased you a star. (HAYLEY GASPS)
- TOM: Wow! (HAYLEY EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Ben gets five points? - Well, you know, I just thought I'd―
- Wait, what did you just say? - HAYLEY: Well, hang on, hang on. (LAUGHTER)
- We got it on camera. (APPLAUSE)
- Dammit. - And, Jeremy, when's your birthday? - January 19.
- That makes you a Gemini, and I made it in the Gemini, you know, thing.
- Constellation. - Yeah.
- So, I'm a Capricorn. (LAUGHTER)
- Right. - Hayley, what did you bring in?
- I know we're having a lot of fun, Jeremy, and I don't wanna have to bring down the mood.
But for me, the thing that is best from far away is Paul. (SNAPS FINGERS)
Sorry, Paul, that I have to do this, but you have been issued a restraining order against...
(LAUGHTER) ...me.
- (LAUGHS)
- If I got a dollar for every time I got one of these...
- So, how far is―? - It's roughly between 4m and 5m.
So if you were to come forward, that's a breach. (LAUGHTER)
But if I'm back, you're fine.
- I know it's not your first one, but it's the first one from an individual, isn't it?
Cos normally it's a school, isn't it? (LAUGHTER)
- It's actually notaschool; it's all schools. (LAUGHTER)
- Josh. - Hello.
- You're representing Tofiga. What have you brought in?
- Yes, I'm here for my boy Tofiga, and I decided to bring in a beautiful silk pillow.
If you see that in the distance, you'll think, 'I can't wait to put my head on there.'
Don't put your head on there, cos if you got that close, you'd realise that I farted onit.
(LAUGHTER)
One thing you can do is you can sit on a pillow and you squash all the fibres and fart as you rise,
and it will suck in the fart. This really works. You can keep a fart for six to eight weeks.
- So, this distance we're OK? - Uh, I mean, that's just a picture of it.
(LAUGHTER) But I think you'd be OK.
But you could even enjoy it from even further away. - OK.
Tom. - So, I, um, went for a walk in our neighbourhood,
and we found this beautiful piece of nature, and a photo was taken,
and it's a really beautiful thing that you can appreciate from far away,
so we'll just look at the first one.
There we go. That's a waterfall. That's in my neighbourhood. It's pretty beautiful.
- HAYLEY: Nice.
- But if you get up too close, it's a little bit of a case of Where's Wally?
So we'll just go to the next picture.
(LAUGHTER)
- What are you doing there, Tom?
- Are you preparing a pillow? - CHUCKLES: Oh, yes. (LAUGHTER)
I'm coming out of nature. - I think nature's coming out of you, to be honest.
(LAUGHTER)
Very hard to judge.
One point for Ben Hurley. He got the wrong constellation.
Two points for Abby. You can always get tattoos removed.
Three points for Hayley. Four points for Josh and the stinking pillow. - Oh.
- And that leaves five points for Tom Sainsbury with the nature ablution. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- HAYLEY: Outrageous.
- I'd love the first task tonight, please, Paul.
- People are often trying to steal my look. And this task is no exception.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- BEN: Here I come.
- Hello, Tofiga. - Hey, Paul.
- Hello, Tom. - Wow.
- Wowee.
- Wow!
Got some 'stumes.
- 'Stumes? - Costumes.
- Nice.
- I'm excited to see what's in here.
- READS: 'Match accessories with Paul.'
- 'Paul will emerge every minute with a new accessory until you match him.'
- 'You may only don one accessory at a time.'
- 'And you may not don the same accessory twice in a row.'
- 'No peeking. Fewest accessories tried on by Paul wins.'
- 'Your time starts...
'now.'
- Do you understand it? - No. - Oh.
(APPLAUSE)
- Well, you could really spot the theatre nerds in amongst our comedians, couldn't you?
Cos Abby, Hayley and Tom's eyes lit up when they were like, 'Oh, costumes.'
- Yeees. Yay!
- What characters will be born today? (LAUGHTER)
- Right. Shall we get straight into it?
- Let's start in the menswear section. It's Ben, Tofiga and Tom.
- OK, let's get on to it.
Ready.
(TOFIGA SIGHS)
- If you squeeze those...
- Oh man.
(LAUGHTER)
- Lovely. But it's not a match.
Ready? - Ye-Yep.
Oh, you've got gumboots on.
- You should've told me you had gumboots on. - Oh, sorry.
- Ready when you are, Paul.
Ey. Oh.
- It's hard― It's quite hard for me to breathe. Yeah. - I know. You're not breathing.
- I don't feel good. - Your eyes are bulging.
- Sorry. - You don't have to apologise every time.
- Sorry for apologising. - (LAUGHS)
- I think I got it, brother.
- Oh, dammit.
- We've got similar colour schemes. - Yeah. Does that help?
- No. - No. OK.
- Next.
- Yep. Ready.
- Yep.
- Ready.
- (SIGHS) Sick.
- It's not a match. - It's a good look, though. - Thank you.
- I think I got it.
- That's the one I just had on before. I feel like there's no method to this.
- Are you ready? - Ready.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- It's a match. - Mm.
- Congratulations. - Thank you. It's alphabetical.
(BUZZ!) - OK.
- Close. (BUZZ!)
- Not really. - (LAUGHS)
- But good effort.
- Oh. (BUZZ!)
- Ey. (BUZZ!)
(SIGHS)
- What have you got on? - The book.
- Oh, that's not actually one of the accessories. Sorry.
- Why'd you put the book here for, then?
- I think I just left those there. Sorry about that.
- Huh. Huh.
- I'm gonna make a complaint to the Taskmaster about you.
- What's his name?
- Jared.
- And action.
(GASPS) Dammit. (BUZZ!)
- Connection? - I mean, vaguely.
- Vikings used to wear kilts. - Did they? - Yep.
(LAUGHTER)
Esa! (DING!)
Yeah, Paul! What do you reckon? - It's a match. - Yeah, it's a match.
(BUZZ!)
Oh! We did it! (DING!)
- Only took two goes. - I took more than two. - Hope you get fired.
You suck, Paul.
Love you, Paul. - Thank you, Tofiga.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Tom. Who would've thought that knowing your ABCs were gonna help you in later life?
- I know. Finally.
- What was the book for? - Uh, the books― I didn't mean to leave the books there,
but they were there for everyone, and the top book was the, uh, A to Z of Fashion.
- Oh... my goodness. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- So, speaking of letters, Ben got up to the letter 'N', which was 14 attempts.
Tofiga ― the letter 'L', which was 12 attempts.
And Tom ― the letter 'G'. Seven attempts.
- Yes, Tom. - Streaking out in front here. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- More changing room montages coming up next,
but first, we've got to sell you some clothes that you probably don't need.
Your clothes are fine. You look absolutely amazing. We'll be back after these messages.
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Hoki mai ano.
Welcome back to Taskmaster, the only place you can put a camera in a changing room
without getting a visit from the police. (LAUGHTER)
Paul, jog everyone's memory, please. - Our contestants are trying to match accessories withme.
But little did they know, I was dressing up in alphabetical order.
Next up, they've got a passion for fashion, a desire for attire and the opposite of loathing forclothing...
(LAUGHTER) ...it's Abby and Hayley.
- Have fun in there. I miss you when you're gone.
- SIGHS: Oh.
- How cool are fedoras, though? The best hat.
(SIGHS) WHISPERS: Bugger it.
(LAUGHTER)
I used to definitely wear something like that when I was 13. I was a goth.
But I actually went to Animates and got a proper dog collar.
- Were you watching me change? - No.
(LAUGHTER)
- What's that bit for?
Oh! - I don't know what that bit's for.
(LAUGHTER)
- Ah, we're getting there, I feel like.
- What's your Viking name? - Craig.
- Oh, you look good in that. - I feel good. - Yeah.
- Going to the masquerade. (CHUCKLES) - Yes.
- Going to... - To Dork Town.
- WHISPERS: That doesn't feel right.
Oh! Paul!
I had them, and I changed.
- Ooh. (LAUGHS)
Beautiful. Andbeautiful. - No. - (LAUGHS)
- All right.
- Back to Dork Town. - (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- You do look like Michael Jackson.
Do a lean.
Yeah, it's really good. It's really good. (CHUCKLES) OK, OK.
- (HUMS) - Have you got the X-ray glasses on again?
- Um...
No.
- Oh!
WHINES: I went― I picked it up.
- (LAUGHS) I can't stop. I'm compelled by them every time.
- What happens if we're here all day?
- Then we're here all day. - OK.
- Are you gonna go umbrella hat again? - No, I don't think so.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
- Get back in there. - Whoa.
- (LAUGHS) They drew me in again.
- We're well off again.
- The watch.
- Ready.
- I actually...
already know it's not a match.
- SIGHS: Oh...
Cos you could see through the curtain. - Yeah.
You ready? - Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
Lookin' good, Paul.
I think there was only one more possible item ― the zebra hat.
- Are you happy? - Yup.
- You ready? - No.
- But you said you were. - I'm ready.
(SIGHS)
You've got to be kidding me, Paul.
We're back to bloody square one, aren't we?
I'm feeling it.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
Ah!
We did it.
- That's for the haters.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Hayley, between the necklace, the top hat and the zebra hat,
it's like you've got a sixth sense for getting it wrong. - I know.
Now that I watch yours, I was like, I should've just picked one object and just put it on the whole time.
- It was a great tactic. Sadly, the object she chose... - ...was 'X'.
- ...started with 'X'. - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, I alternated between 'X' and 'U'. (LAUGHTER)
- Yes, she chose the X-ray glasses nine times, and she went to Dork Town four times.
(LAUGHTER)
- Where was your autistic superpower this time, Abby? I mean, look at― Tom did well there.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah. - We now know a lot about Tom.
- He ain't diagnosed; I'm legit. (LAUGHTER)
- Is this the first time you've ever been teased fornothaving autism? (LAUGHTER)
- Where's your autistic powers now, bitch? (LAUGHTER)
- So, how many letters did we get around to?
- So, Abby ― the letter 'X', so 24 attempts.
Hayley ― the letter C ― great ― but second time through, so 29 attempts.
That means one point for Hayley, two points for Abby, three points for Ben, four points for Tofiga,
and five points for Tom Sainsbury. - Yay! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- What are the scores for the episode, Paul?
- With a perfect 10 points, out in front, it's Tom Sainsbury. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right. A fast show's a good show. What's next?
- This task involves a list...ers.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Hello, Paul. - Hello, Abby.
- (GASPS)
- Another one of these stupid challenges, huh?
- Uh, they're called tasks. - Tasks.
- We generally don't say they're stupid. - Oh, yep.
- READS: 'Write down the 20 public figures you know the most about.'
- 'You have seven minutes. Your time starts now.'
- Dai Henwood. - Season four of Taskmaster New Zealand.
- I'm gonna go Madeleine Sami. - Season one of Taskmaster New Zealand.
- Joseph Parker.
Steven Adams.
- Elizabeth I.
Henry VIII.
- How long have I got? - You've got three minutes and 50 seconds.
- Oh my God. I have to move quickly.
- Anthony Bourdain.
- And I will go Paul Ego. - Season three of Taskmaster New Zealand.
- All right. It's been good. - Wait.
- I knew there was a second part.
READS: 'Create a short biopic based on the life of your 20th public figure.'
(LAUGHS)
'You may not do any further research into your figure. You have one hour. Your time starts...
'now.'
- I'm gonna put Beyonce down the bottom.
- I'm gonna go with Christine Daae.
- From Phantom of the Opera? - CHUCKLES: Yeah.
- What's the prime minister's name?
- Current one? - Current one.
- Chris Luxon. - Christopher Luxon.
(LAUGHTER)
And last of all... public figure I know least about...
Matt Cameron.
- Who's Matt Cameron? - He's the drummer for both Pearl Jam and Soundgarden.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- LAUGHS: Oh no.
- I'm dreading this.
- (LAUGHS)
This is gonna be quite obscure television.
- Is there anyone you would've rather made a biopic film about?
- Everyone else but Luxon. - Oh.
(APPLAUSE)
- Glad to see you get some plugs in for some previous seasons of Taskmaster, Paul.
- Yeah, and they were popular as well.
Ben had six Taskmaster New Zealand contestants; Hayley, 11.
- Oh, wow. - I had many kings and queens of yore.
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- No one on her list was born after 1970.
(LAUGHTER)
Tofiga's list ― Chris Luxon was the only white person. (LAUGHTER)
- Yes! (APPLAUSE)
- He didn't even know who the prime minister was,
so I don't know how he's gonna make a biopic about someone who he doesn't know, Josh.
- Tofiga and Luxon have kinda got a similar vibe. (LAUGHTER)
Like an ebony and ivory, seeing them do a duet. (LAUGHTER)
- Who are we watching first?
- We've all been wondering when Matt Cameron, the drummer from Soundgarden and also Pearl Jam,
would be getting his biopic.
Well, the wait is finally over, thanks to Ben Hurley.
(MIXER WHIRRS)
- Dad, what are you doing?
Well, I'm cooking, son, because men cook too.
One day, you'll find something you're passionate about.
Yeah.
(MIXER WHIRRS)
(CLANK!)
(INTENSE DRUM BEAT PLAYS)
Man, I'm such a good drummer now.
I just need a cool band with a cool name.
(BIRDS SQUAWK, TWITTER)
Wow.
There's so many...
sounds in this garden.
(LOUD DRUMMING)
Yeah!
What is it, Chris Cornell, lead singer of my band Soundgarden?
That's right, man. I'm Chris Cornell from our band Soundgarden, and it's time for our band tobreak up.
I'm gonna embark on a pretty average solo career.
Nooooooooooooo!
(CLATTERING)
(LAUGHTER)
I'll never drum again!
(SOBS)
Eddie Vedder from the band Pearl Jam.
GROWLS: Yeah!
# Would you
# like to be in my band
# called Pearl Jam?
# Again? #
Yes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, no, that was good.
There's so much to unpack there. (LAUGHTER)
It actually felt like a lot of TVNZ biopics, to be honest. It was using the same wigs.
- Yeah. Yeah. - It's a wig-based production, basically.
The Eddie Vedder impersonation was inspired.
- GROWLS: Yeah. - HAYLEY GROWLS: Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
If only you could do the biopic about him. (LAUGHTER)
- No! Imagine that.
- OK, if they were making a biopic about your life,
this would be the part of the movie where the main character sits perfectly still
and waits for the ads to be over. We'll see you in just a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Nau mai ano. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We're currently watching comedians make biopics
about famous public figures they know almost nothing about.
Who have we got next, Paul?
- Destiny's Child, Beyonce, meet Ross and Vicky's child, Tom.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- In Texas, in 1989,
Tina Knowles and Papa Knowles welcomed their little cherub baby Beyonce.
Early on in her life, little Beyonce met Kelly Rowland, and they became fast friends.
They loved going to church together and singing gospel.
In their late teens, Beyonce, Kelly and two other people became a band known as Destiny'sChild.
Not to be confused with Destiny's Church.
But due to some disagreements, the band split up.
In the early 2000s, Beyonce then met Jay-Z.
They had three children together, and they all lived happily ever after.
The end.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I gotta say, right off the bat ― Say My Name is a very good title for a biopic.
- Yes. Good. Thank you.
And I also thought, you know, I toss up whether I should play Beyonce and Jay-Z etc, but I decided not to.
(LAUGHTER) - I think that's a good decision.
- He also got slightly confused, cos the Texas he held up for her birth, he wrote 1981, which iscorrect...
- Yeah. - ...but then he said '1989'.
- I know. I was in Taylor Swift mode. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, whose biopic have we got next, Paul?
- Christine sings, but Abby Howells...
(LAUGHTER) - (LAUGHS)
- ...made this sitcom.
- What if we did the Phantom of the Opera like a sitcom after the Phantom of the Opera has happened?
- That would be great. - CHUCKLES: Yeah.
(BRIGHT MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Oh, hello, Erik, the Phantom of the Opera and my husband. Did you do any murdering?
- Maybe a little.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, Erik, you promised me. No more murdering.
- OK.
- I'll believethatwhen I see it.
(LAUGHTER)
(BRIGHT MUSIC)
- I've got some news. - What is it? - I'm up for a big promotion.
And so I invited the boss of the Paris Opera House over for dinner.
(UPBEAT NOTE)
- FRENCH ACCENT: I hope dinner is ready soon. I am starving!
Here comes Erik now.
He's prepared dinner.
(LAUGHTER)
(RECORD SCRATCH)
(LAUGHTER)
(GASPS) - Bon appetit.
- FRENCH ACCENT: A hand?
I have always wanted to eat a hand.
Mwah! Delicious!
(GASPS)
I'm going into labour!
(GASPING)
(GROANS)
I... I think I'm gonna die.
(SIGHING)
Please... write a musical about me one day.
(GROANS)
(LAUGHTER)
(EXCLAIMING)
(WHOOSH!)
(APPLAUSE)
Yeah, I know what you're gonna say. It's― My characters have died in childbirth (LAUGHS) three times now.
- Three times this series? - Yeah. - Yeah.
- Also, you don't see many deaths in sitcoms.
Like, my favourite episode of Friends is the one... (CHUCKLES) The One Where Rachel Dies In Childbirth.
(LAUGHTER)
- All right. I'd like to see another biopic, please, Paul. - You've got it, Jeremy.
He's New Zealand's current prime minister, and before we started this task, Tofiga didn't know his name.
(LAUGHTER)
This is the Christopher Luxon story.
- Luxon. Sound like a soap, eh?
- It does.
- Do you think he had little toy planes and stuff and thought, 'Oh, I wanna be CEO of Air NewZealand.'
- Possibly.
- And then loved honey and stuff and thought, 'Oh... I wanna own my own beehive.'
(LAUGHTER)
Once upon a time in a small town in Christchurch, there was a young boy who loved to play with aeroplanes,
and his favourite food was honey on toast.
Christopher.
How many times have I told you to stop playing with those stupid planes?
- It's not a stupid plane.
- You're eating up all the honey as well. Remember, you are the future of our soap business.
Luxon Soap.
- I don't like soap.
One day, I'm gonna be CEO of Air New Zealand, and I'm gonna own my own beehive.
- Well, until then, you're gonna be looking after our family business, Luxon Soap. (SNIFFSDEEPLY)
Oh, smells like Luxon, feels like Luxon.
Mmm. Even tastes like Luxon.
- Dad, you gotta stop eating soap.
- Mmm.
Ohhh!
Luxon!
Kia ora. My name's Christopher Luxon, and I'm the prime minister of Ao-te-reo New Zealand.
Tena koutou, kina toukou, milla koutou, milla moa.
(LAUGHTER)
Mmm. Luxon.
(APPLAUSE)
- Gosh, I loved the way that Chris Luxon changed ethnicity just towards the end of that. It's impressive.
- It's a seamless― seamless transition, yeah. - Yeah.
- Pretty factually correct, as far as I can tell. I mean, we don't― he probably does like honeyon toast.
And his dad probably ate a lot of soap, so it's...
- And that's how he says Aotearoa. - That's right. (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah. OK. Who have we got next?
- It's Taskmaster New Zealand season three alum Paul Ego.
And who better to direct it than someone who knows him and his family intimately ― HayleySproull.
- Two sons.
Abe...
Gabe...
- Abe and Gabe? - (LAUGHS) Nope. It's not Abe and Gabe.
I've forgotten his wife's name. I've met her so many times. This is so rude.
IMITATES PAUL EGO: Hi. It's me. You know who I am, but do you know the man behind the voice?
It's time to get to know the real Paul Ego.
Yah! Yah! Yah!
'Young Paul Jones enjoyed a privileged and lovely childhood, growing up in New Zealand.'
I love the '70s!
'Then one day, as a young man, he met his beautiful, petite wife, Jane,
'the only love of his life.'
Hi.
'After some delicious marital sex, Jane gave birth to Gabe
'and then Gabe's brother ― or vice versa.
'But after some time, he began his historic rise as a comedian.'
I've got two children. The lovely Gabe and Gabe's brother, and I love 'em very much as a father,
but my question is ― when the hell do they shuffle on out?
I've been Paul Ego! Goodnight!
'Recently, he joined More FM's breakfast show.
'It's not as good as ZM, but it's still all right.'
That was Robbie Williams' Angels here on More FM Breakfast, and we're asking you currently atthe moment ―
when did you fart in public?
'So, what's next for Paul Ego,
'aka Paul Jones?
'Perhaps a starring role on the Celebrity Bake Off.'
(APPLAUSE)
- Considering you didn't know their names,
do you think maybe you focused on Paul's children just a wee bit too much?
- I have to apologise to Paul's family, whom I have met so many times,
in particular his wife, Janine, not Jane. (LAUGHTER)
- You got Gabe right. - I got Gabe right, and then I forgot, um...
- Isaac. - ...Isaac. - Don't tell her! (LAUGHS)
- This is gonna be quite difficult, cos I think they were all very good. - They were.
- But, unfortunately, there have to be winners and losers. This is Taskmaster; that's the way it goes.
- OK. - And Abby is a loser. (LAUGHTER)
I mean, look, you tackled a biopic, and then did a multi-camera, you know, sitcom.
I thought Tom deserves two for his stick puppets. - (SIGHS)
- Hayley, it's difficult making something about someone you know,
especially when you don't know the names of their children. (LAUGHTER)
So I'll give you three points. - That's fair.
- I thought Tofiga's effort with Christopher Luxon was particularly good.
- Mm. - Four points. - Mm-hm.
- And I think― Ben Hurley's I thought was outstanding. - Thank you.
- Five points. (APPLAUSE)
We're run out of biopics. Give us a few minutes to come up with another task, and we'll see you in a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora ano. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the only show on television still giving out sexually attractive women as a prize.
And correct me if I'm wrong, Paul, but I believe it's time for another task.
- Aye, aye, captain.
If you're watching this episode illegally, this task is inspired by you.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Ahoy there.
- I don't even know what's going on there, but, hi.
- Um... Where's the task, Paul? - The task is on the cassette tape.
- Oh.
(CLICK!)
- ON TAPE RECORDING, GRUFFLY: 'Cover one eye and turn you into a pirate.
'Cross the seven seas
'and circle where 'X' marks the spot.
'Fastest wins.
'Your time starts now.'
- I wasn't listening.
(APPLAUSE)
- OK, Paul, cover one eye, turn you into a pirate, cross the seven seas and circle the 'X'.
Sounds pretty achievable.
Who are we gonna see first? - Up first, it's sailor Sainsbury and Captain Hurley.
- So, cover one eye.
Exhibit A.
What was the rest?
- 'And turn you into a pirate.' - Done. Tick.
- Arr.
- 'Cross the seven seas and circle where "X" marks the spot.' - (SIGHS) Come on!
Fastest wins. I hope there's a boat.
- GRUFFLY: You wanna come with me, squire?
- Tell you what ― having one eye is quite hard.
- Feel like there's a little disparity in our weights. (LAUGHS GRUFFLY)
- Land ahoy.
- Must be an 'X' around here somewhere.
(CIRCUS MUSIC)
- Oh no. I didn't listen to the instructions.
- Must be an 'X' around here somewhere.
- Did it say go to the 'X' and dig it up and find some treasure?
- All the information you need is in the task.
- CHUCKLES: Oh, it's on the tape.
OK. I have to run back.
# Dun, dun. #
- I feel it was foolish not to bring the map.
- 'And circle where "X" marks the spot.'
- CHUCKLES: Let's go.
- What have I missed?
I'm starting to get tired of this character.
- (SIGHS)
I circled 'X'. - What do you mean?
- Oh!
- Ahoy! A shovel.
No 'X', though.
- Have you seen an 'X'?
- On the map. - Right.
- Surely that wasn't it.
(LAUGHTER)
Back in the boat, squire Paul!
- Cross. What am I missing?
Do I need to go back and listen to it again?
- Magic, innit?
- Come on, Paul! - Please, Pirate Paul.
PANTS: House ahoy, Cap'n. - Aye!
- 'Your time starts now.' - (SIGHS)
CHUCKLES: I've gotta go back and get the map.
Do you think I'm a bit of a stupid at the moment?
- No, I never could think that, Cap'n.
- I shoulda known...
this would be...
a trick.
- Oh my God!
So, there are seven 'C's.
And turn 'U' into a pirate.
- So I gotta turn you into a pirate. - No, you gotta turn 'U' into a pirate.
- (LAUGHS)
Is there a 'U' on here?
A hat...
not unlike yours.
- I'm gonna draw a little parrot here.
- Cover one eye, cross the seven 'C's, turn 'U' into a pirate and circle 'X'.
- I've stopped the clock. - OK.
- I've stopped the clock. - LAUGHS: Oh my God.
What a journey.
- I reckon that's...
pretty good.
(APPLAUSE)
- When you figured out the trick, did you wanna hurt Paul in any way?
- I wanted to hurt him throughout. (LAUGHTER)
- How many times did Tom―? - He ran from the study to the lake three times.
(LAUGHTER)
For clarification, it was sort of a letter-based task.
So cover one 'I', turn 'U' into a pirate ― the letter 'U' ― cross the seven 'C's ― cross those out ―
and then circle the 'X.' So it was a very simple task. (LAUGHTER)
I don't know why they would go to the lake. (LAUGHTER)
- How long did it take them?
- Ben ― 31.15.
- Oh! (LAUGHTER)
- Tom ― 41.24.
(LAUGHTER) - Ooh.
Who have we got next?
- Up next, it's Ahoy-ley Sproull, Aye-aye-by Howells and Tofig-arrrr Fepulea'i.
- Cross the seven seas and circle where 'X' marks the spot.
- I have to cross the lake? All right. Let's go.
- I'm gonna take this. Circle where 'X' marks the spot.
- And circle where 'X' marks the spot.
- I could just do that. I could just circle it now.
- I'm just gonna double-check that this isn't a trick.
- Says 'circle where "X" marks the spot.'
- Just double-checking ― is that it? - You've completed part of the task.
- OK. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
- C'est la vie. To the dock we go.
- Are we going to the dock? - Fully up to you. - Let's go.
Unless I've completely misunderstood this, Paul.
- And all the instructions were on what he just said? - Yeah.
- Was it on the tape? - It's on the tape.
(CLICK!)
(LAUGHTER)
READS: 'Cover one...'
Oh! 'Cover one "I".'
- Bon voyage, Captain.
- # Crossing the seven seas. #
- Cross the seven 'C's.
- (GRUNTS) OK.
- Circle where 'X' marks the spot.
- Where 'X' marks the spot.
- Surely this is it.
Are you sure this isn't me completing the task?
- Do I dig?
For the tray-sure.
- If this is just a pile of dirt with nothing in it, I'll be quite unhappy.
- Is there anything under here? - I don't think so. - Oh.
- Paul, there's nothing here. - Yeah, what are you digging for?
- Well, there was a hole. I just started digging.
We're gonna have to go back and listen to the tape again.
- All right. Off we go.
- 'U' into a pirate.
- ON TAPE RECORDING, GRUFFLY: Turn you into a pirate.
- GRUFFLY: Oh, I'm a pirate.
- Cover one eye and turn you into a pirate.
- Done. - You've not done it.
- Are you sure?
- I reckon that's us, brother. - I've stopped the clock.
- Thank you, sir. - Thank you, Tofiga.
(APPLAUSE)
- Look at me, Paul. I'm losing my mind. I have completed the task.
- You've not completed the task. - I think I have.
- Uh... Cassette up.
(SIGHS)
Cover on 'I'.
- And turn 'U' into a pirate.
- And then I cross the seven 'C's.
- Have you covered one 'I'?
I've stopped the clock. - (EXHALES, CHUCKLES)
Lord have mercy. (LAUGHS)
- Thank you, Hayley.
- Oh my God.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Hayley, you were far more focused on acting like a pirate, really, than...
- I thought maybe I hadn't nailed the 'turn you into a pirate', so I was trying to drop in deeper.
(LAUGHTER)
- I thought you had to do it the entire time. (LAUGHTER)
I was so sick of talking like that.
- Also what you cut out was that I spent ages on the side going, 'I'm terrified of water. I can't swim,'
and then Paul going, 'You don't have to do this.' (LAUGHTER)
- Oh!
- I was like, 'No, I'm gonna get in the boat. I'm gonna face my fears, Paul.' (LAUGHS)
- Yet again, Josh, it seems like Tofiga's unwillingness to move... (LAUGHTER)
...really helped him out. - It's a good tactic. It's a hell of a good tactic.
- So, the current time to beat is 31.15.
Hayley was 35.55. - OK.
- Abby ― 29 minutes and 10 seconds. - Oh! Not too bad.
- Tofiga ― 14 minutes and 40 seconds. (LAUGHTER)
- How did that take him... - That too him 13 minutes?! (LAUGHTER)
- ...14 minutes? - So...
Tofiga, with most of the tasks, he would sort of read the task,
and then he'd have kind of 10 minutes of just relaxation. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, so where does that leave the scores for that task, then, Paul?
- That means one point for Tom, two points for Hayley, three points for Ben,
four points for Abby and five points for Tofiga.
- OK! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Now it's time for some ads, unless you pirated this episode,
in which case, you don't have to watch the ads, but you do have to spend eternity in hell.
We'll give you a moment to think about which is worse, and we'll see you after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT FANFARE)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster. We're about to see our comedians tackle a live task
and find out once and for all who has won a restraining order against Paul. (LAUGHTER)
But before we do, Paul, a scoreboard update, please.
- In first place with 17 points, it's Tofiga Fepulea'i. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, everyone, head up on to the stage for the final task of the show. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Ooh, this looks interesting. What's going on here, Paul?
Josh Thomson. - An honour, thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT WEAKLY) (LAUGHTER)
READS: 'Listen for your note and move forward when you hear it.
'When you hear your note, you may move one spot forward.
'If you move forward on someone else's note, you must move two spots back.
'Highest score at the end wins.'
- OK. These are your notes.
Abby. (NOTE ONE PLAYS)
Ben. (NOTE TWO PLAYS)
Hayley. (NOTE THREE PLAYS)
Josh. (NOTE FOUR PLAYS)
Tom. (NOTE FIVE PLAYS)
- Could we have it one more time, please?
- No, sorry. (LAUGHTER)
- Can I give you a note?
Love to have it one more time. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Are you ready?
(FUNKY BEAT PLAYS)
(NOTE FOUR PLAYS)
(FUNKY BEAT STOPS, DESCENDING NOTES PLAY)
Two steps back, Ben.
(FUNKY BEAT RESUMES)
(NOTE ONE PLAYS)
(NOTE FOUR PLAYS)
(LAUGHTER)
(NOTE TWO PLAYS)
(LAUGHTER)
(NOTE FIVE PLAYS)
(LAUGHTER)
(NOTE TWO PLAYS)
(FUNKY BEAT STOPS, DESCENDING NOTES PLAY)
Two steps back, Abby.
(FUNKY BEAT RESUMES)
(NOTE ONE PLAYS)
(LAUGHTER)
(NOTE THREE PLAYS)
(NOTE FOUR PLAYS)
(FUNKY BEAT STOPS, DESCENDING NOTES PLAY)
Abby, back two steps, please. - Ahhh.
(FUNKY BEAT RESUMES)
(NOTE THREE PLAYS)
(NOTE FIVE PLAYS)
(LAUGHTER)
(NOTE ONE PLAYS)
(FUNKY BEAT STOPS, DESCENDING NOTES PLAY, LAUGHTER)
Two steps back, please, Ben.
(FUNKY BEAT RESUMES)
(NOTE THREE PLAYS)
(LAUGHTER)
(NOTE TWO PLAYS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(FUNKY BEAT STOPS) Those are 15 notes.
- Wahey! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Come on down, everyone. Let's score it. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I really enjoyed that, Paul. All right. How are we gonna score this?
Because we've got a couple of last places and a couple of first places.
- Yes. So, Ben and Abby shared last, then Tom, and in first-equal was Josh and Hayley.
- OK, so one point for Abby and Ben, three points for Tom,
and then five points for Hayley and Josh, representing Tofiga. - We'll take that. We'll take that.
- So, where does that leave the episode, Paul?
- That means with 22 points ― the highest episode score of the season ―
and his first episode win, represented by Josh, it's Tofiga Fepulea'i.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Congratulations, Josh. - My boy. For you, Tofiga.
- On behalf of Tofiga, please head up to the stage
and get nice and close to things that are only good from far away. Away you go, Josh.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And that's it. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Taskmaster, especially our favouriteviewers,
Gabe, Gabe's older or younger brother, and a woman possibly called Jane.
(LAUGHTER) And what did we learn tonight?
We learned that Abby Howells can't resist a pair of X-ray specs
and our prime minister can't resist the delicious taste of soap. (LAUGHTER)
But most importantly, we learned that the winner of episode six of Taskmaster season five
is Tofiga Fepulea'i. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We look forward to seeing you next time. Po marie. Goodnight.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
- All right.
- HAYLEY: You stupid boy! You stay there!
- When I put this on, I'm gonna completely change.
- I'll do whatever you want, any of your bidding.
- The vegetarian option is unbelievable. - That's chicken.
- Whoa!
- What?
- What's happening?
(CLINKING)
- It's been quite the show for us. (LAUGHTER)