(WHEEL CLICKS)
- Paul!
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
(POP!)
(KEYS CLACK)
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
(PLAYS SCALE)
(KEYS CLACK)
(THWONG!)
- Yes!
- Hi, Mum.
- Au revoir!
- (ROARS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Yah!
- Oh.
- No!
- Ha ha ha!
- (GASPS)
- Ah!
(STAMP THUDS)
(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACK)
(DING!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Nau mai piki mai, and welcome to Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and six years ago, while on a high school field trip,
I was bitten by a radioactive and judgemental spider, who was particularly good at readingautocue.
Since then, I've had no choice but to wield the great responsibility
of being a friendly neighbourhood taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And joining me on my hero's journey are four New Zealand comedians
and also one Australian, who lied on the forms and tricked her way in.
Please welcome Alice Snedden... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Bree Tomasel... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Jack Ansett... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Jackie van Beek... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Pax Assadi. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And to my left in a lower chair and a lower tax bracket, it's my loyal assistant, Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Methinks we shall begin with a riddle.
- Hmm.
- I lie beneath a diving board.
- Swimming pool. - Yup.
(LAUGHTER)
(MOUTHS)
- That was quick, wasn't it?
All right, Paul, what have we asked our contestants to bring in for the prize task this week?
- We've asked our contestants to bring in the thing with the most feline energy
that is not related to cats in any way.
(LAUGHTER)
- Pax, shall we start with you?
- Jeremy, correct me if I'm wrong, but you have a Persian father? - I do.
- And so you're aware of how hairy Persian men are. - Oh yeah.
(LAUGHTER) - Oh yeah! (LAUGHS)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're also aware of how indifferent they are to your success.
You're also aware of how when they walk into a room, they expect food to be there.
And you're also aware of how they shit in boxes of dirt. (LAUGHTER)
So I've brought a tincture of my real Iranian father's Iranian chest hair.
- JACK: Ohhh...
Wow. (LAUGHTER)
- You weren't just looking for an excuse to shave your dad, by any chance, were you?
- Oh, I don't need an excuse. We shave each other weekly. (LAUGHTER)
- It wouldn't have been easier, maybe just to shave yourself and bring that in?
You don't display the same type of feline energy?
- Yeah, shit, that would've been way easier, yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Alice. - Yes.
- What did you bring in?
- Well, I think we can all agree that cats are, of course, known for being the sexiest animal.
(LAUGHTER)
So I thought, well, what's the sexiest other kind of item I could think of?
And that's why I've brought in, um...
Yeah. - Oh. - BREE: Yeah.
- It's a slinky, yeah. And if you've ever seen one of those things go down a set of stairs...
- JACK: Yeah. - Oi, you gotta do that in private. (LAUGHTER)
- Bree, what did you bring in?
- Look, Jeremy, I think we can all agree that cats are unpredictable, shifty,
and I think something that holds all of those qualities is this.
A pair of transition lenses. (LAUGHTER)
People who wear them, you can't trust 'em.
They go outside; they change colour. They go inside; they might change colour ― they might not.
(LAUGHTER)
- You didn't just buy these, and now you just wanna get rid of them?
- They did cost me a lot of money, and... (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
...at least I'm getting some use out of them, Jeremy.
- Jackie, what did you bring in?
- I think we can all agree that everyone has started their sentence with 'I think we can allagree',
so I was just like, I should― OK― Well, like, I think we can all agree...
- It's a good way to start. - ...and I haven't thought beyond that.
I think we can all agree that, um... (LAUGHTER)
...that I searched the world and the interior of my mind. I found nothing within my mind,
but within the world, I found this.
(LAUGHTER) - I'm sorry. I don't agree. - What is that?
- It's a possum, is it?
- All I would like to say ― and I don't wanna take up too much of your precious time ―
is 100% feline energy
and 100% nothing to do with a cat. It's a possum.
- It's 100% possum energy. - Yeah. If the task was bring in a possum, you would win.
(LAUGHTER)
- No, no, if the task was bring in a possum, I'd say this didn't cover. (LAUGHTER)
- Jack, what did you bring in?
- After a few days of just staring at my cat for inspiration,
I got this portrait commissioned...
um, of... (LAUGHTER)
- BREE LAUGHS: Oh my God. - ...of, um... - (LAUGHS)
- Holy...
- ...um, me licking my own genitalia, so...
- Oh man. I've never felt more motivated to win the episode. (LAUGHTER)
- If you are motivated to win this episode, you're gonna have to come from behind,
because I think one point for you and your slinky. - PAX: Wow.
- Also, I think one point for Bree with the glasses.
And then I go two points for Jackie.
I'll go three points for Pax.
I would've given you four points if you had've brought in your mum's pubes.
- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
Yeah. - And I'll go five points for Jack, because as people know...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...whenever a Taskmaster contestant licks his or her own genitals, you get maximum points foranything.
- Oh, thank you, Jeremy, yeah. - That is enough prize task patter.
Let's get to the first proper task of the show.
- Say less, Jeremy. This task is an emotional roller-coaster.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Paul. - Hello, Alice.
Hello, Jack.
What was that? - Just Taskmaster. - Thank you for repping the brand.
- Shall I? - Yes, please.
- Egg.
- Out loud, please. - Sorry. (LAUGHS)
- READS: Drop an egg from the roller-coaster and hit the bull's-eye.
- Where's the bull's-eye? Can I see that from here? - This will be the bull's-eye.
- Oh wow.
- 'You have one ride of the roller-coaster...'
- '...and one egg.'
- 'Paul can ride on the roller-coaster in your stead.'
- 'He will release the egg when you command him.'
- 'You must break up with the egg before it is released.'
- So I gotta, like, break its heart. - Mm-hm.
- 'A bonus point will be given for the most dramatic break-up.'
- 'Closest to the bull's-eye wins.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- I got married when I was 21, and I'm 34 now, so, like...
- ...the concept of a break-up... - ...feels so foreign. - Yeah.
- Can we get some lawyers? - OK.
- Oh, I do love when there's no lines.
(APPLAUSE)
- Are we sure whether we want old Licky-Licky over here repping the brand for Taskmaster.
- PAX: Licky-Licky! - Licky-Licky?
- Five points. - All right, mate. You were enjoying it five minutes ago.
(LAUGHTER)
- All right, I'm ready to see some breaking up and some throwing down. Who have we got first, Paul?
- Making an egg crackie, it's your old mate Jackie.
- I think you're on the roller-coaster. - WHISPERS: Yuss.
- I'm gonna do some break-up stuff, and then I'm gonna yell out, 'Bull's-eye!'
- My advice would be to go a little bit earlier than you think. - We'll see.
- Just cos the momentum. - Ehh, we'll see. - OK. It's just advice.
- I'm saying good luck. - Oh.
- Don't let me down.
Cue roller-coaster, please.
EMOTIONALLY: OK, Egg, now, when I called you an egg, it's because you are one,
but when you called me an egg...
I mean, I just don't think it's working when you start calling me names.
I'm out. OK. Yep.
What? No. Don't do anything unexpected. You stay belted in, little one.
There's more to life. Don't give up. No! Bull's-eye!
SLO-MO: No! Bull's-eye!
DISTORTED: No! Bull's-eye!
(SOBS)
(APPLAUSE)
- Jackie, Paul doesn't normally give advice.
- I understand I'm not gonna win this round. OK?
So I'm gonna take the opportunity to say I do regret not listening to you, Paul.
That was my first day on the game. I didn't know you. I didn't trust you.
I didn't necessarily like you on that first day. (LAUGHTER)
- How awkward was the hug? - I know. I really went for him. - He― Paul... Paul was like...
- He recoiled. - What were you scared of?
- I'm scared of nothin' but the po-lice. (LAUGHTER)
- ALICE LAUGHS: Oh my God.
- Right. That's enough egg-breaking and egg break-ups for now.
Now it's time for my third-favourite kind of break ― an ad break. We'll see you after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Nau mai hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where the good people of Rainbow's End have allowed us to use their roller-coaster
with seemingly no supervision. (LAUGHTER)
OK, Paul, what's happening?
- Our contestants have been breaking up with eggs before throwing them from a roller-coaster.
Their target ― a very large target.
So far, we've seen Jackie.
Up next, the A Team ― Assadi, Ansett, Australian.
It's Pax, Jack and Bree.
- Where do you wanna ride, Paul?
- I was gonna stand down by the target.
- Oh, OK. Really thought you'd be on with me. That's fine. - OK.
You want me to ride with you? - Yeah, for moral support.
- Why wouldn't you? We can have fun together. - OK.
- You know what makes me feel comfortable, Paul, is that we're doing up our own seatbelts (!)
- You― You guys got a professional to, um, check this?
- I think that looks good.
- Nothing at all to worry about. Nothing. OK. All right. OK. Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Oh, here we go.
- After everything we've been through, you lying... you lying scum!
- I feel like this is our whole relationship ― there's highs and there's low lows.
- What have I done this time?
- I knew you were (BLEEP) the neighbour.
- I can't take the low lows any more, Paul!
- Are you talking to me or to the egg?
- Sorry, man. I'm really sorry about this.
- Oh, there's the Southern Motorway. OK.
- I didn't even wanna come on this stuuuupid ride! Oh my God!
- Aah! Aargh!
- I've got a lot of work to do.
- You're an arsehole!
- You know what ― stop yelling at me.
- Yeah, I'm gonna― I'm gonna kill you. No. Aargh!
- I've had enough. I've had it.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh.
- It's over! It's (SLO-MO) over!
- SLO-MO: Aargh!
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Oh no! It went in the bush. It went in the bush. It went in the bush.
(LAUGHTER)
- Did you see where the egg landed?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's on the other side of this fence in the bushes.
- It's over here somewhere. - Yeah.
How did the break-up go? - I called everyone a dog, I think, and then I threatened to killthem,
and, yeah, I just wanna make it clear that I'm not gonna kill anyone.
It was just an outburst in the heat of the moment.
I know I look like David Bain, but... it's not― yeah.
- OK.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Pax, it was interesting, because everyone else seemed to be having an argument with their egg,
sort of having a go. You were almost apologising and saying,
'What have I done wrong?' which probably has an indication of about how your relationship'sgoing.
- Yeah. I didn't really break up. I just― My marital issues just came out,
and I just let them― I let them out on an egg.
- Yeah, well, I see that you were apologising to Paul
for having that argument with the egg in front of him.
- ...in front of him, and, yeah, I'm really sorry you had to witness that, Paul. It got really ugly.
- That's OK. - Yeah.
Jack, your explanation that you weren't going to murder someone ―
for some reason, I don't know why, but I just didn't buy it. - LAUGHS: OK.
Yeah, I would like to re-emphasise that I have no intention of, um, killing, uh, anyone.
- That's exactly what a murderer would say, dude. - Yeah, it is.
- Once we're at the point we're already having to make declarations about how you won't killpeople,
the ship's kinda sailed. (LAUGHTER)
- All right, who's up next, Paul? - Up last but not least, it's Snedden vs Egg.
- ALICE: Please stand, Paul Williams. - Thank you, Your Honour.
Fine people of the jury.
Tiny Tim is an egg.
Egg is an egg.
Ms Snedden is a human being.
Eggs belong with other eggs.
- That's bullshit.
(DRAMATIC MURMURING)
(GAVEL BANGS) Quiet! Quiet in the court.
Sure, I might not be an egg,
but that doesn't mean I can't understand what it's like to be a scared little boy.
- (SOBS)
- And you know what he needs more than anything to keep him from cracking ―
a pair of soft hands to carry him.
How is the egg gonna do straightforward things with Tiny Tim?
Can he take him to the park? Can he take him on a roller-coaster, for all I care? Canhe?
- Objection. They could, uh, just kinda loosely roll around in the leg area.
(GAVEL BANGS) - Overturned.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)
(LAUGHTER)
(GAVEL BANGS) Quiet in the court.
To prove that he is a fit father, Egg must ride a roller-coaster one time.
If he can complete the roller-coaster without smashing,
he will receive full custody of Tiny Tim.
Your Honour, no, I will not―
No, I don't wanna hear it. This is completely normal and within my jurisdiction.
(LAUGHTER)
Are you scared?
- No, but please let me talk to my client.
(LAUGHTER)
In all my years as a legal professional...
(LAUGHTER)
...I've never seen this before.
You― You just have to survive this, and you'll be back with your kid.
(LAUGHTER)
- And drop.
SLO-MO: Drop.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- SLO-MO: Drop.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
It didn't go well.
- My client is dead.
- I wouldn't say it's a good result. - Thank you, Alice. Congrats on winning the case.
- Thank you.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, just a couple of quick questions for you. - Yeah, sure.
- So, was Tiny Tim your child?
- Yeah, so it's interesting. Um... (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
Do you know what ― I think in hindsight,
what's made it quite complicated to understand is that I'm doing multiple characters' voices.
- Mm. - And, unfortunately,
I don't have the ability to modulate and/or change my voice whatsoever. (LAUGHTER)
But then at the end, I clearly just kind of lost interest in the whole thing...
- Yeah. - ...and I left Tiny Tim behind. (LAUGHS)
- LAUGHS: After all of that. - After all of that.
- After all those legal costs. - Yeah.
- Did you leave Paul to raise Tiny Tim? - I left Paul to raise Tiny Tim.
- In terms of the distances to the target... - Yes.
- ...cos that's really what we're judging here... - Mm-hm.
I'm measuring from the bull's-eye of the target. - Yeah.
- The very centre.
Bree ― 8.29m.
- Oh, this isn't a good start for me.
- Pax ― 10.46m. - (SIGHS)
- Alice ― 5.13m.
- Ooh!
- Jackie ― 4.18m. - Wow!
- And Jack ― 3.39m.
- You're taking the piss. (APPLAUSE)
- OK, and then there's one more point for... - Mm-hm.
Bonus point for the best break-up. - And I think that's Alice. - OK.
So that would mean... - Mm-hm.
- ...one point for Pax, two points for Bree,
four points for Alice, four points for Jackie,
and five points for Jack. - There we go. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Who's winning the episode so far, Paul?
- Out in first with 10 points, Jack Ansett.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Wow. OK. - Wow. This is how it feels. Wow.
- OK, I am ready for another task, Paul.
- Last week, we had our first team task.
This week, our first teen task.
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
- Paul?
- Bree.
- Oh, he's in the caravan.
- Hello, Alice. - Paul.
- Hello, Jackie. - Hello.
(PAX GROANS)
- What's that?
- Taskmaster deodorant. What are you trying to say?
- What are you trying to say?
- May I? - Mm-hm.
- READS: 'Recreate an uncomfortable teenage moment with a different outcome.'
- 'Biggest reversal of fortune wins.'
- 'You have 40 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- Oh God, Paul. I don't like to think about my teenage years.
- When I was 15, in biology class, I realised I was gay and I threw up in the toilet.
- So, you were so homophobic... - ...about myself.
- CHUCKLES: ...that it made you throw up?
- And then be straight for another 15 years. (LAUGHS) - Wow.
- All right. Bring on the first trip down memory lane, Paul.
- Let's head to the hallways of Burnside High School in Christchurch.
- JACK: Yeah, yeah! ― Jack Ansett.
- Oh no.
Year nine, I was in the musical Aladdin.
I guess that was triggering for me, because I really wanted to be the genie.
And who got the role of the genie?
Thomas, his name was. So, yeah, I guess I'm gonna recreate the musical Aladdin,
and I'm gonna be the genie, and then I'm gonna perform the hit number Friend Like Me.
- OK, you'll have to do kind of a knock-off. - Yeah, sweet.
- So instead of Friend Like Me, it could be...
- Colleague. - ...A Colleague Like Me. - Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- Opening night. - Hey, brother. - Hi, Jack.
- Hey, congrats on the role. - Oh, thank you.
- Mm. Have you been practicing hard? - Big time.
- Well, guess what. I've been practising too.
Get on the floor now.
If you make a noise, it's over for you. Now, get in.
Let's go.
Whey-hey-hey!
(LAUGHTER)
♪ You ain't never had a colleague like this guy.
♪ You ain't never had a colleague that's this fly.
♪ I'll talk to you at the water cooler.
♪ Cos I'm your genie, and you're my ruler!
♪ Hey! I'm available for after-work drinks.
♪ Hey! You got three wishes. What are your kinks?
♪ I'm here, never fear.
♪ Because you ain't never
♪ had a
♪ colleague like
♪ this guy! ♪
Whoo!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, instead of missing out on a leading role, you instead abducted a boy called Thomas...
- Correct. - ...pushed him into a locker...
- Correct. - ...painted yourself green and then talked about kinks.
- I'm not a musical person. I said I'm not gonna do a musical number at any point in this series.
- You chose to do that, though. - I did do that, yes. (LAUGHTER)
- You didn't need to tell us that you're not a musical person. We saw. - OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- All right. Time for a break, and if you're thinking about your embarrassing teenage years,
nothing makes that feeling go away faster than buying something off an advert. We'll see you ina tick.
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where we're currently reliving our awkward teenage years.
Where are we, Paul?
- It's time for a trip back to rural Queensland. Bree Tomasel.
- Should we do a few? - You could combine.
- Should do my first kiss, then do my driving test, and then where I get my results from highschool,
which weren't good.
OK, let's go. - OK.
- Oh, this has been an absolute breeze.
Whoa, look out!
Are you safe? - Very safe, thanks to your driving.
That was some of the best driving I've ever seen.
- Thank you. I've watched The Fast and also The Furious, like, eight times.
- Here is your full driver's licence.
- Not even provisional? - Correct.
- On the first go? - First go.
- Thanks so much.
Yeah!
Mum and Dad! I'm so nervous about my end-of-school results. This could go really bad.
Oh my God. It's the best possible result I could ever get! I could become a doctor if Iwanted!
- Love you.
- Love you too, Bree.
- Nick Jonas?
(LAUGHTER)
- ♪ We're running white hot on fire.
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh.
♪ We're chasing dreams and climbing higher.
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh.
- Nick! - Hey, Bree.
- What are you doing here? - I've noticed you for a long time.
- How? - You're just so...
noticeable.
(LAUGHTER)
- ♪ They don't stop...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh!
Let's go make babies.
- Let's go make the Jonas Sisters.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Wow. - Wow.
- When that recreation first started,
I thought you were going to have your first kiss with the driving instructor.
(LAUGHTER)
- That was actually what happened, and I wanted to recreate a better moment,
cos my driving instructor was, like, 68.
(LAUGHTER)
- That is the second time that Paul's been kissed on screen in Taskmaster.
- Uh-uh-uh. We had to shoot that scene three times. (LAUGHTER)
- Oh! - Wow.
- And then the camera guy goes, 'You don't have to kiss, though, if you don't want,'
and both of us at the same time went, 'We'll kiss.' (LAUGHTER)
- OK, who have we got next, Paul?
- Next, we're heading to the place where Auckland girls learn grammar, Auckland Girls' Grammar.
It's Alice Snedden.
- Once I got an award for making a team I hadn't made.
- What was the team? - Auckland cricket team under-16s.
The next day, I still went up on stage and accepted the award,
because they wouldn't tell me what award I was getting at assembly, so I had to go.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Then my whole family came to watch me win an award. (BOTH LAUGH)
(SOFT POP MUSIC)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Hello. Alice speaking. - I come bearing good news.
- Yes? - You made the Auckland Under-16 cricket team.
- Oh my God. Really?
- And on top of that,
you will be receiving a special award at an after-hours school assembly tomorrow.
- Wow. - Please invite your entire family to the award ceremony.
- OK, thank you, Glen.
- Please welcome to the stage to receive this honorary award Alice Snedden.
(APPLAUSE)
- I know it's a little unorthodox to give a speech at a school assembly,
but it just means so much to me that the school recognises this achievement
and really did their due diligence to find out that I would make the team
and get this award before throwing a whole school assembly for it, so, um...
- 'Course. - ...thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
- Screw it. Alice Snedden Day ― from hereforth on, this will be Alice Snedden Day.
(LAUGHTER)
CHANTS: Alice. Alice. - No, please, stop. - OK.
- I mean, a little― a little bit longer.
- CHANTS: Alice. Alice.
Alice. Alice.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That was very cathartic to watch... - BREE: It was beautiful.
- ...and Paul was very gentle and supportive.
- The Glen character. - The Glen character I thought was excellent.
- Glen, I wanna know more about Glen. - PAX: Yeah.
- If you were watching that and you didn't know Glen as a person,
you might be like, why is this grown man so invested in this 16-year-old girl?
- Yeah. - But trust me, it was all above board.
(LAUGHTER)
I can guarantee you nothing happened that I didn't wanna happen. (LAUGHTER)
- Wow. - OK. Who's up next?
- Now to Wellington and the streets of Johnsonville. It's Jackie van Beek.
- I was a very young teenager; my breasts were beginning to develop.
I was too embarrassed to get a bra, so what I decided to do was wear swimming togs the whole week.
Then, of course, one day I was in the changing rooms getting changed,
and a kind of acquaintance of mine said...
- Why are you wearing your bathing suit under your regular clothes, Jackie?
- And I said, 'Because...'
I have a swimming lesson straight after school. Like, it literally starts in, like, seven minutes,
and I just wouldn't have time to get changed otherwise.
And she was like, 'Oh, cool. Do you to do Keith Spry Pool in Johnsonville?'
I said yeah. She said...
- No way. I live right next to that pool.
- Oh, that's so funny. - Yeah. I'll walk there with you.
- We get to the swimming pool; she loiters. I have to go into the swimming pool.
OK, well, here we are.
Better go off to my swimming lesson.
OK, bye.
I have to talk to the person behind the desk.
- Can I help you?
- Can you just tell me ― has that girl behind me gone already?
- Yeah, she's gone. - Oh, thank God.
- So, what would the new outcome be? - I think it will happen at the pool.
- I hope this isn't inappropriate, but you have an incredible physique.
You have the perfect body for swimming. I think you should go in there.
We're doing a championship. - Is that today, right now? - That's happening in five minutes.
- So that's what I did.
And I became an absolute champ.
(APPLAUSE) - JACK: Wow. - PAX: Amazing.
Amazing. - She's broken the fourth wall again. (LAUGHTER)
- You love breaking the fourth wall. - Love breaking the fourth wall there at the end.
- Yeah, because I just like to stay connected to my audience.
- So, the trauma was that you got walked to the pool by a friend.
- Yeah. But― But I didn't have a swimming lesson. I made that up.
- Yeah, but in your better situation, you had a paedo man in a wig. (LAUGHTER)
- That was Glen. He'd grown his hair out. (LAUGHTER)
- In defence of Jackie, none of us are writing these characters as perverts.
That's just sort of on Paul ― the direction Paul's... (LAUGHTER)
...choosing to go.
- OK. Shall we let the trauma continue?
- Of course, Jeremy.
Finally, we're heading to Hamilton's Hillcrest High School. It's Pax Assadi.
- I had a crush on a girl at high school. I won't say her name, but it rhymes with 'Bowie',
and I got a text from an unknown number while I was at basketball nationals.
It said, 'Hey, Pax. This is Bowie. I've always had a crush on you.'
And for the entire tournament, I was texting her, and I thought I was in,
and I said some... I said some things, man.
What I thought was we were two horny teenagers, but we weren't.
It was a horny teenager texting his entire horny team.
It's me, Pax Assadi, at the age of 16...
Nice.
...here at high school nationals.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS) Whoa. I got a text.
Oh my God.
'Hi, Pax. This is your high school crush Bowie. I am deeply in love with you.
'Please, I want to be with you for the rest of my life.'
Whaaat?
That's crazy, dude.
Oh, he's such an idiot. He has no idea.
Hey, girl. I love you too.
And I wanna kiss you daily.
(LAUGHS) He replied.
Yeah, we're really embarrassing him.
Look at the embarrassment on his face.
What do you guys mean? What do you mean?
It's not actually her text― sending the text.
What? It was you guys the whole time?
Oh, crack up. Crack up, eh?
How crack up?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Bowie. What are you doing here at this basketball tournament in 2006? You should be at school.
- I didn't have your number,
so I've been texting your teammates and asking them to pass the texts on to you.
- So it has been you this whole time.
- I'm in love with you. - Yas!
Yeah, get in.
Get in.
So, what do we do now?
- I guess maybe we could get married, move to Ghana and start a non-for-profit.
- Basketball-focused non-for-profit where it's a basketball academy? - Yeah.
- That's awesome.
Ta-ta. Bye.
Good luck in Ghana.
Do you have a visa?
Can you just go there?
I guess so.
(APPLAUSE)
- OK, so just a couple of quick points on that story.
So, the initial embarrassment was that your teammates witnessed your crazy horniness...
- Yeah, yeah. - ...and then in the recreation, they still witnessed your crazy horniness.
- Yeah, but it was― but the horniness was coming from Zoey― uh, Bowie.
Um... (LAUGHTER)
So, Bo-Bowie...
Oh, I've said― I've said it now. Zoey is texting―
- I'm pretty sure we all figured it out already. (LAUGHTER)
- No, I genuinely thought it was Joey. - I was thinking Joey as well.
- I thought it was Chloe. - Yeah, I thought Chloe.
- Nah, it's... Jokes, it's not Zoey. (LAUGHTER)
- All right. This is gonna be quite hard to score, cos I felt everybody's trauma.
OK? But I'll give one point to Jack, because you clearly had a problem with not getting thatrole,
but then you proved to us why you should've have ever got the role.
- That's fair. I'll take that on the chin.
- So I think it's fair that you're two. - Thank you, yes, yep.
- Jackie, I'll give you two, cos you went from having an uncomfortable walk home
to getting hit on by a man in a wig at a public pool reception.
And then I'll go three for Alice, because, obviously, you went from humiliation to acceptance from Glen.
Pax, four for you. The humiliation of your teammates, that's not ideal. - Mm.
- And then five for Bree. From the driving test to having babies with a Jonas Brother, that's...
- Paul. (APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING)
- Blackout.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Worth it every time. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right, that's enough awkward transitions from childhood to adulthood.
It's time for a rapid transition into the ads. We'll see you after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Tena koutou katoa. Welcome back to Taskmaster, where contestants are willing to shave their fathers.
Is it time for another task, Paul? - Sure is, Jeremy.
I accuse this tablet of containing a task. Show me task.
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
- Paul!
- God, it's good to see you again. - Thank you for saying it.
- Oh, what have we got here?
- Nothing under the table.
- Task time.
- READS: 'Collect the most coins.'
- 'Most coins wins.'
- 'You can gain a coin by successfully accusing an item of concealing one.'
- 'To accuse an item, point at it and yell...'
- '..."Show me money."'
I feel like that should be 'Show me the money'.
- Legal reasons.
- 'You may not touch the items.' Ugh.
- 'If no coin is found, you are bankrupt and disqualified.'
- 'You may save your coins and walk away at any time by putting your coins in the piggy bank.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- So, the minute I point at an object that doesn't have a coin... - Mm-hm.
- ...I'm bankrupt and disqualified. - Correct. You'll receive no points.
- (SIGHS)
- Show me money! - Yes.
- Completely original phrase (!) - Mm-hm.
(APPLAUSE)
- So, this seems like a pretty simple task.
It's kind of gambling, isn't it? - It's gambling, yeah.
- Who's gambling first, Paul? - Up first, Pax Assadi and Jackie van Beek.
- Show me money.
Aha.
I knew it!
- Show me money.
- You've accused the milk.
- Show me money.
Ooh, yeah.
I knew it.
- Give me some money, baby.
- That's not the phrase.
- Mo' money, mo' problems.
- All the information you need is in the task.
- Show me money.
- Paul's special folder contains a coin.
- That could be a double bluff.
- Remember that you can bank your coins at any time and leave with two coins banked.
- WHISPERS: Yeah, but I'm a gambler.
- I have a theory that every single one of these items has money. - OK.
- Show me money, Paul.
- Show me money. It's a double bluff.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
Oh, it wasn't a double bluff.
- Sorry, but you're bankrupt.
- That theory fell overrealfast. - Almost instantly. - Yeah.
And I tried to play it real cool. - You did seem really cool.
- It was immediately wrong.
(GIGGLES)
That sucks, man. - (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
- So, what happened in the end? Jackie lost everything.
- Both of them were bankrupt. - Yeah. - Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Who's next, Paul?
- Up next ― the two cheeses, Bree and Monterey Jack.
- Oh, Paul, I guess we just bloody do it, eh? - Do what?
- Just kick it in the dick. - Oh.
- (CLICKS TONGUE)
Paul's special folder, I accuse it. Show me money.
- The folder contains a coin.
- (CHORTLES)
- This would be the obvious pick, but you're probably not gonna do that.
- Why is the Taskmaster around the wrong way?
Says 'MT' not 'TM'.
The wallet's empty.
Yes, Paul! I got one!
- I'm eyeing up the milk.
You thirsty? - Always.
- Show me money.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, drink it up, Paul.
- The milk contains a coin.
- I love you, Paul.
- (BLOWS)
Oh, there's a leaf blower.
- I accuse this tennis ball.
- You wouldn't believe what I found.
Is this working? - Hard to say.
- Are coins made out of metal?
- Show me money.
You got me!
- READS: Today modern coins are made from nickel―
- Sorry, it's quite boring, Paul. (LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
Hey!
- Show me money.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
- (COUGHS)
STRAINED: Down my throat.
- Pot plant contains a coin.
- (COUGHS) I'm so excited I'm choking.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
- Show me money!
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
Show me money.
- The fol... (LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
- Sorry.
- This rubber duck ― show me money.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
- There's something inside this wee hole here.
Show me money.
- Oh! (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
It's so fun when you win!
- So, you're happy with that ― five coins?
- I honestly think I've done better than everyone else will have done at this.
- Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
- Like, the live studio, I want those four arseholes to know...
(LAUGHTER)
...how good I've done. - OK.
- Celebration dance. Yes, Paul. Yes, Paul. Yes.
HIGH-PITCHED: Ha!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I don't know what was better, Bree, to be honest ―
realising that that was 'MT' ― you must have been quite happy with yourself ― or the moonwalk.
- Both were pretty amazing moments, like, doing the moonwalk in unison with Paul.
- Are we all incredibly impressed by Paul's Michael Jackson dance moves?
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
- Can you do one right now?
Just one Michael Jackson dance move? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(EXCLAIMING)
(CHEERING)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- It comes as no surprise to me that Pervert Paul's favourite... (LAUGHTER)
- What a squeaky clean celebrity to impersonate (!) - ...musician...
- So, just to be clear, they decided to bank their money after six coins ― is that right?
- Well, interesting point.
Bree ― six coins. - Yep.
- Very solid. - Mm-hm.
- Jack ― five. Very solid. But I do have to show you this. - OK.
- The white powder contained a coin.
- Thank you. Do I put that in my piggy bank?
- If you wanna bank it. - Yeah, I do. Yeah.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- OK.
- Oh no.
- I don't get it. What did I do? - Oh no. (LAUGHTER)
- So, going back to the task wording...
- BREE: Oh no, Jack. - Oh my God. Dude.
- 'You may save your coins and walk away at any time by putting your coins in the piggy bank.'
- Are you really gonna do this? You're really gonna split hairs like this? OK.
It's, quite frankly, pathetic. (LAUGHTER)
- This guy's gonna blow. He's honestly― I can feel the vibration.
- I think we just need to give Jack a moment to recover from that shocking revelation,
and we'll see you after the break. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster, a show featuring five of New Zealand's best and brightest minds,
so long as you don't count proper smart people like doctors.
Where were we, Paul?
- We are watching our contestants attempt to find coins hidden in objects.
- OK. Who have we got left?
- Get ready for Alice Sneddy.
- Maybe I'll just go upstairs and get some coins. - OK.
- Just in case that's a thing.
(COINS JANGLE)
(TABLE RATTLES)
- (WHIMPERS)
- Show me money!
No use crying over spilt milk.
- Congratulations.
- Show me money.
Thank you.
Aargh!
Show me money.
- Congratulations.
- OK, I'm ready to bank.
- One, two, three, four.
(LAUGHTER)
Five, six, seven,
eight, nine, 10.
- Now, we're going over 10. Are you gonna be OK?
- 120, 121.
(LAUGHTER)
122...
144,
145.
You like to bank those? - Yes, please.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- When you were putting the 145th coin in the piggy bank, were you ever thinking,
'You know what ― if I don't put in one more coin, I might get beaten by Jack Ansett'?
(LAUGHTER)
- Look, to be honest, I thought it was suck a clear loophole that everyone was gonna do it,
and I was worried that I was so lazy.
- But I'm not― I'm not convinced that you're gonna get away with it. - JACK: Yeah.
- Well, shut the (BLEEP) up. (LAUGHTER)
- That's a great question.
- So, (READS) 'Collect the most coins ― most coins wins.
'You can gain a coin by successfully accusing an item of concealing one.'
- So, essentially, this task was 'do whatever the (BLEEP) you want'.
- No, that's not true. It was reading comprehension. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
- Legally, I think it works.
- Ah, totally, it does work. It was a good play. It was a good play. - Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- So, how would you wanna score...? So, Jackie and Pax, they were both bankrupt ― one point?
- One point. - One point. - One point, yeah.
And then I would give three points for Jack. - Oh, thank you so much.
- And then I go four points for Bree. - Yup.
- And then I go five points for Alice.
- The winner of the task is Alice Snedden. (APPLAUSE)
- Shall we have a look at the episode scores so far?
- It's very close. There's only one point in it, but out in first with 14 points ― Jack Ansett.
- Oh! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Oh! Oh!
- OK, head up on to the stage for the final task of the show. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
All right, Paul, what are we doing tonight?
- Alice, Snedden, please read the task.
- READS: 'Make the tallest free-standing structure.
'You may only use balloons, tape, your pool noodles and umbrella.
'You have five minutes to construct your tower, after which it must stand on its own for 10seconds.'
- Shit. (LAUGHTER)
- On my whistle.
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
(LAUGHTER) - Oh...
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
OK. This is getting out of hand. Get out of my box. Please get out of my box.
- (LAUGHS) That's what she said.
- What's the thinking, Alice?
- I don't wanna say it out loud. I'd rather not comment.
- Oh, I'm gonna spend five minutes trying to find this thing.
- Oh, I just hit myself in the face with a dick. (LAUGHTER)
Really regretting wearing a skirt, Paul.
What do you think that looks like?
I'm gonna add two balloons just there for you. - Oh, OK. Maybe a rocket ship.
- Oh... Oh...
Oh!
Shit! (LAUGHTER)
- JACKIE: Oh no. Oh no.
I don't know what to do. I'm panicking.
I thought there were three of these. Can I borrow one of yours? Can I borrow that yellowone?
- No! Piss off!
- ALICE: I've got a spare. - A spare tall one?
- Oh, no, shortie. - OK.
- My noodle's so flaccid! (LAUGHTER)
- Bree is a hot mess.
- Bree, just a reminder ― it has to stand up.
- I know, Paul! - OK.
- I don't have any ideas.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- Oh, Jack. Oh...
(LAUGHTER)
- Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow.
- Careful with that. - Sorry.
I can't get the tape off! - 10 seconds.
- I have to win this episode.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) Step away. Step away, Bree. Hands away.
- AUDIENCE: Aww!
- Jack, step away. - Step away, Jack.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- OK, everyone, leave everything up here. Head on down... (LAUGHTER)
...and we'll measure them. - Come on, Jack. Let's go. - Come on, Jack.
- Come on, Jack. Come on. Come on. (APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
- All right.
What happened there, Paul? Who won? Who lost? And who's somewhere in between?
- Firstly, the elephant in the room. - Mm. - Do we accept Jack's tower?
- Can I―? Do I get the chance―? - No, you don't.
- No, yep. (LAUGHTER)
- I think we all know that's unfair to everybody else,
because everyone else built a structure from the base that was free-standing;
Jack's was still attached to him.
- Uh, in that case, Bree ― 25cm. - Mm-hm.
- Jackie ― 68cm. - Happy with that.
- Alice ― 1.48m.
Pax ― 1.50m.
- Oh, you're joking!
- 2cm in it, yes.
- So, that's one point for Jack, two points for Bree, three points for Jackie, four points for Alice,
and five points for Pax Assadi. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Paul, I think it'd be a good time to have a little bit of a series score update.
- OK.
It's very close.
Out in first with 50 points, Jackie van Beek. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- JACK: Wow. - But who is the winner of episode three of Taskmaster season six?
- With 17 points, the winner of episode three is Alice Snedden. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK. Congratulations, Alice. Please head up and enjoy your bounty.
- She loved the puss. - Do you wanna come with me, Jack? Come on. Come on, Jack.
- JACK: OK. - Come on.
- Ka kite ano. We'll see you next time.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- BREE: He's still holding it.
(POP!) - Aargh!
- Welcome to Taskmaster, the show the comedians say yes to because they're desperate to reinvent themselves...
- Paul!
- Nooooo!
- ...or in Jack Ansett's case, invent themselves.
- Oh, Jack's the weakest link. Ohhhh!
OK, by round of applause, who knows who I am?
OK. (LAUGHTER)
Oh my God. - PAX: Oh my God!