(WHEEL CLICKS)
- Paul!
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
(POP!)
(KEYS CLACK)
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
- (PLAYS SCALE)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Yes!
- Hi, Mum.
- Au revoir!
- (ROARS)
(KEYS CLACK)
- Yah!
- Oh.
- No!
- (CACKLES)
- (GASPS)
- Ah!
(STAMP THUDS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(DING!)
- Tena koutou katoa.
Welcome to Taskmaster, the show where five comedians are given a living wage,
and in exchange, at least three times a year for the rest of their lives,
they will wake up in a cold sweat, remembering how they couldn't find a camera that was made ofcake.
(LAUGHTER)
My name is Jeremy Wells, and I am the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Joining me tonight are our season six contestants.
Alice Sneddon...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Bree Tomasel... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Jack Ansett... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Jackie Van Beek... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Pax Assadi. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And as always, sitting next to me,
a man who doesn't like sparkling water because he thinks it's too spicy...
it's Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- or tonight's prize task...
Mm.
That's― That's odd.
It says here that the prize category is uh, the best present for Paul.
Hm. (LAUGHTER)
- Jack, what have you brought in? The best present for Paul.
- Well, Jeremy, um, Paul, he's always having to assist you.
- Yes.
- So the best present for Paul that I've brought in is, um,
his own assistant.
He's called Craig. (LAUGHTER)
Um, yeah. And he's actually here.
We're gonna bring him out. Big round of applause.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Oh, wow. Oh my God. Amazing. Amazing.
He's got a whip. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he has a whip in case, you know, he gets out of line.
(LAUGHTER) Give it to Paul.
- Thank you.
- Try it.
- What should I say? - 'You piece of shit.'
- You piece― You piece of―
S word.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. You'll get better.
- Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean that.
- It's OK. - OK.
Fantastic outfit, by the way.
- Same to you. - Thank you.
- Jackie, what did you bring in for Paul?
- Craig's just gonna sit there? - Yeah.
- I like it. - I love it.
- I would prefer Craig to be present for this.
Now, everybody knows I have such a strong love for Paul, but I find him incredibly low-energy,
like, to a dangerous level.
So in order to keep you alive, I am gifting you this.
(LAUGHTER)
A defibrillator.
This is for you, Paul.
Or the person next to you that needs to use it on you when you slip―
- Craig. - Craig, this is for you.
- Craig, are you medically trained?
- I can be.
(LAUGHTER)
- Craig. He's killing it.
- Pax. Best present for Paul.
- When we were shooting the tasks, I discovered that Paul is a loose fan of Formula 1.
So I've bought this for Paul.
- Oh.
- I've just genuinely bought a cool gift for Paul.
- That screams of a gift that you want yourself,
and then you've bought for someone else, hoping that they might invite you around to their house
to play with it later on.
- Yeah, I would― I would love to play vroom vroom F1 cars with Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
- Alice, what did you bring in?
- Oh, so Paul and I are friends.
Fair enough. (LAUGHTER)
And Paul's recently moved from London, where I live,
back to New Zealand.
And he left his blender, and I was gonna bring that back for him and I forgot.
So instead, I've got him a different blender.
(LAUGHTER)
- That looks used.
- I believe in sustainability.
(LAUGHTER)
- Bree. - Jeremy, what do you get a man that has everything?
Lucky we don't have to answer that question, cos it's Paul, and he has nothing.
(LAUGHTER)
Um, Paul, I know you've always really wanted a dog,
and I have dogs, and I'm not giving them to you.
But I have made you a custom calendar of my dogs.
- Oh, wow.
- That's Whitney Houston on the left and Meryl Streep on the right.
And can we look at January, please?
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, February.
(LAUGHTER)
March.
(LAUGHTER) That's an action shot, Jeremy.
April ― they're themed.
(LAUGHTER)
May. That's a lovely one.
June, July,
September.
October, November.
And of course, another themed one for December, which is beautiful.
(LAUGHTER)
Now you may think I've missed a month, but, Paul,
I know that your birthday is August the 7th and I've went all out for this.
Here's August.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes! No, you can clap. - Wow.
Amazing. - It's really good.
- Thank you, Bree. Thanks, all of you. I love my gifts.
- You're welcome. - No worries. - No problem, man.
- Jackie. One point. - Wow.
- You don't need a defibrillator. You'll be fine.
Two points for Alice,
three points for Pax,
four points for Bree... - I'll take it.
- ...and five points for Jack Ansett.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, well done.
Get out of here! Get out of here, you (BLEEP!)
Oh, that's for you, I guess.
(LAUGHTER)
- Let's get on with the show, then, shall we?
I think I'm in the mood for a real task.
- Sure thing, Jeremy. This one is a numbers game.
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Jackie.
- Oh, God. Great (!)
(LAUGHTER)
- Hello, Alice. - Hey, Paul.
- Wow. What do we have here?
- (READS) 'Create new numbers.'
- 'Best new numbers wins.'
- 'Your new numbers...
(GROANS)
'must replace the numbers...'
- '...zero through to nine...'
- '...and must have both a symbol and a written name.'
- 'You have 12 minutes. Your time starts now.'
(APPLAUSE)
- There's nothing more threatening to a group of comedians than maths in my experience.
Who are we gonna watch first?
- We'll be seeing our top five contestants this series.
It's all of them. (LAUGHTER)
Quite a detailed number.
- Yeah, but have you seen hieroglyphics?
- Oh, you're trying to make it breasts.
- Have you not seen many? (LAUGHTER)
- No, to me, that looks like maybe an owl.
How do you pronounce that? - Yeeeah.
- And what are things you have one of?
- You asking me? - Yeah.
- Friend. - Friend? Do you?
- Yeah. - I'm so sorry.
It's not me, is it? - No.
- That would be embarrassing. (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, yeeeah.
- You've got nine minutes and jiggy seconds left.
- (LAUGHS)
- I'm gonna do word association. OK, do it with me.
- OK.
Four. - Hump.
(LAUGHTER) OK.
- Are you gonna make me remember these for another task?
- No. - Look me in the eye.
- It's quite scary to look you in the eye.
(LAUGHTER) - Promise?
- I don't make promises.
- Mm-hmmm.
- Word association ― three.
Paul?
Shake.
- That look more like breasts? - I think it's an owl looking down.
(LAUGHTER)
- Five. OK.
Corpse.
- So when I was 5 years old, I pissed my pants at school.
- And the image is some pants soaked in piss?
- (GUFFAWS)
- Six. The devil's number.
Hosking. (LAUGHTER)
Mike Hosking.
- You're gonna make me do a maths equation with this or something, aren't you?
- Nah, I despise maths.
- (LAUGHS)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- OK.
- You happy with that?
- I'm stoked. Yeah.
- I'm happy.
- Should I say a number and then you say it? Yeah.
- 48.
- Ffff...
far out.
I mean, it makes life really difficult.
- Mm.
- How do you say seven 11?
Sex men
OYeee OYeee.
(LAUGHTER)
(SNORT-LAUGHS)
- I better never see these again in my life.
(LAUGHTER)
- I want to know more about this urinating your pants story, Alice.
- We were all seated on the side of the concrete basketball court,
and I was busting to go, and the teacher wouldn't let me go, and I just pissed.
(LAUGHTER) And the piss went all the way down,
like, underneath everyone in the classroom's legs.
And then someone said 'Oh, someone pissed,' and I said 'Wasn't me.'
(LAUGHTER)
- I need a moment to wrap my head around these breakthroughs in maths.
So let's have an ad break, and I'll see you shortly.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Before the break, our contestants developed entirely new counting systems,
and it all seemed pretty straightforward.
We probably need to have a look at them, if that's OK, Paul.
- Sure thing, Jeremy. Here is Pax's.
- OK.
I'll describe that as eight anthropomorphised amoebas
and the dark abyss of the heart there on the right.
You've got an inside of a school desk in the 1990s kind of vibe.
- Yeah, I did think about doing a big detailed cock.
That would have really topped off the school desk energy.
- Here's Jackie's.
- Ooh, fun.
- It's got a hieroglyphic sort of a feel to it.
I like eight ― this tasteful side boob.
- Yes. - Ooh.
- Thank you.
- What about Jack's?
- Yes.
- OK.
- So I worked out that the number 6729 would be
Hosking Pride Balls Yum Yum.
(LAUGHTER)
- Absolutely, yes.
- Bree's?
(LAUGHTER) - Far out.
- Wow.
- Filthy, Bree, actually, I got to say.
- 'Taint' looks like someone from Invercargill pulling the finger.
(LAUGHTER)
- And lastly, it's Alice's.
- Huh. - Mm.
- What is the symbol for 'Hey?'
- It's a sandal,
because 'Hey' reminded me of Jesus, which is the Spanish word for Jesus,
and Jesus wore sandals. - Wore sandals.
- Of course. - Of course!
- So, I've got to score these somehow.
I would say that Jack and Pax, essentially, you guys both get two points,
cos it just looks, from my perspective, like an insane load of crap.
(LAUGHTER)
Alice ― some merit. I'll give you three points.
- Thank you.
- Jackie ― cohesive in its childish simplicity, I thought.
- Thank you. - Four points for you.
And I liked the sexual undertones of Bree's, to be honest.
(LAUGHTER) - Yes!
- How are we going to go with the scores now, Paul?
- Uh, Alice is on 'piss,'
(LAUGHTER)
...Bree is on 'taint,'
Jack is on 'pride,' Jackie is on 'corpse,'
and Pax is on 'a-ha.'
(LAUGHTER)
- Very good, Paul.
(APPLAUSE)
- Into another task? - Let's do another task.
- OK.
- What's important to know about this task
is that it was filmed a couple of weeks after that last task.
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
Hello, Alice. - Paul.
- Wee!
- Hey, Paul.
- Mandarin?
Thank you.
- Why are you standing so close to me?
- You don't like it? - It's all right.
- (READS) 'Score 43 points playing the duck toss.'
Ooh, that sounds fun.
- 'Closest to 43 wins.'
- 'You must throw from the spot,
'and you cannot move the spot or the duck receptacle.
- 'You have until you think you've scored 43 points.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- Oh, I see, so I have to throw them in these things.
- Mm-hm.
- What is this shit?
(LAUGHTER)
- How do I know what each one's worth?
- Well, it's written on it. You don't recognise those symbols?
- Oh, no. (LAUGHTER)
Are they all mine?
- Oh, God. Paul.
- So you remember all your numbers?
- I remember doing that exercise.
- (GROANS)
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
- Do you want me to hold for that?
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Huh? (LAUGHTER)
- Sorry. Can you mind not doing that for a little bit?
- I don't get one thing to myself. (LAUGHTER)
- We're just― It's a mess here.
- I'm livid. - It's a mess. - We're just doing a task right now.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS) - Excuse me. - I'll just do this bit.
- Just let her do that bit.
- What? - I'll never forgive you.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
- To be honest, there's a lot more than I thought, so I might― yeah.
- OK. - See ya.
- Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
- Alice, I can't believe you berated a member of the Taskmaster staff.
Rose Matafeo's fallen on hard times, and she needed that work.
(LAUGHTER)
- I know for a fact she's not fallen on hard times.
(LAUGHTER)
- Now I feel like it's time for our contestants to be hoist on their own petards.
- What did you just call me?
(LAUGHTER)
- You guys didn't think that that was gonna come back, did you?
- I would just like to say that I thought it would come back,
and I said it loads of times to Paul.
- You are definitely not hoisted on a petard.
- No, you are not.
- Who are we seeing first?
- You can count on these guys when it comes to counting.
It's Jack and Bree.
- Hi-yah!
I don't think that's how it's gonna go for the rest of the time.
Hey, we got one.
- Do you know, when I dropped maths in year 11,
I said to Mrs Beard
'See you later, lady. I'm not gonna need this ever again in my life.'
And she went 'Never disrespect maths.
'You never know when you're gonna need it.' And that's that moment.
- Do you wanna apologise to Mrs Beard?
- I'm so sorry, Mrs Beard.
Maybe we can meet up for coffee or something like that.
If she's still alive. Anyway―
Oh shit.
So now I'm minus nine.
- Boobies.
I reckon that's two.
- No, we're on -16 right now.
- Let's go.
Plus heart.
I knew I should have written this down.
- Come on, Hosking. (LAUGHTER)
Booyah!
OK, now we're on minus three.
- Where do you think you're currently at?
- 28.
And we're going for the dog in the middle.
At least I'm good at one thing. The throwing.
- 13 again. Let's go 13 again.
Oh, no, that's 16.
Oh, (BLEEP)
So what am I on?
- Let's go for another six.
40.
I kind of feel like boobies would be a three.
Right, we're going for the titties! (LAUGHTER)
Oh, back to 34.
- I think we're on 29, Paul.
OK, let's just go for another 16, and then we can work our way back.
Paul, get out of the way.
- Go in.
Shit.
- What do you think you're on now?
- I have not one clue.
(LAUGHTER)
- 25. We need minus two.
- OK. Happy with that. Lock it in.
- Bring it home. Bring it home.
(WHOOPS)
- Anything to say to Mrs Beard?
(SCOFFS)
Didn't need you after all.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Did I get the right amount? - 43 was the correct amount.
- Right. OK.
- You seem to remember your number system quite well.
- Yeah, I just zoned in on the ones that I knew and tried my best to ignore the others.
- That was quite smart. You knew Hosking was the devil's number.
- I did remember that, yes.
- So, Jack, obviously ― 46.
So, pretty close. - Pretty close.
- And Bree ― 19. - (SCOFFS) (LAUGHTER)
- You were a little breast-heavy.
- I was. I was just so zoned in on the ta-tas,
And I just wanted to get those choozies and just...
(LAUGHTER)
- And why wouldn't you? - You know what I'm talking about.
- I know exactly what you mean. Yeah, totally. (LAUGHTER)
OK. Who's next, Paul?
- Getting their ducks in a row, It's Dux Assadi and Quackie van Beak.
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm gonna start with...
Yes, exactly what I wanted. (LAUGHTER)
- I think that's four. - Divided by 'pill.'
- How many zeros can fit into 'pill?'
Zero 'pills.'
- What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna whack right down into the negatives and then bounce up toa 43.
- How far into the negatives are you gonna go?
- Just not too much further.
- OK.
- That's not good. (LAUGHTER)
Yep. (LAUGHTER)
- Oh.
So that's plus whatever that one is.
This is― What are we doing here, Paul?
- And I think we're gonna need one more biggie.
Oh, we definitely need a 'hump.'
Hump.
Gonna times that.
Cos, probably― What am I at now? (CLAMOURING, LAUGHTER)
- So what kind of number would you be happy with?
- I don't know.
43. (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.
And...
done. (LAUGHTER)
43!
(EXHALES) Oh, man. My brain.
That's crazy, but I got there. 43. (LAUGHTER)
- Are you sure it's 43?
- Um, yeah.
- (GROANS) (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Jackie, in some ways, your new number system actually made it quite pleasant,
because you did not have a clue how badly you were doing.
- No, I just focused on positivity.
And when I felt like I'd got it, I was like, 'I'm out. I did it.'
And I truly felt like I believed that.
- Do you still believe it?
- I don't now that I've seen the numbers. (LAUGHTER)
- Pax, I would say apologise to Paul for lashing out at him,
but that throw was so piss-weak. (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, I didn't want to hurt Paul, but I wanted to show him that I was annoyed.
- What were the numbers in the end, Paul? - So Pax ― 2803,
and Jackie...
-59,929. (LAUGHTER)
- Bingo.
- OK. That is way too much counting.
So let's let our brains just cool down for a while
while these ads try to grab your attention.
We'll see you in a moment when Taskmaster returns.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Before the break, our contestants were counting with their bespoke number systems.
And, Paul, I believe there's one more number cruncher to see.
- Last, but not 'Elise,'
it's Alice. (LAUGHTER)
- I'll be back.
- What's on the paper?
Key to your numbers. - Yeah.
Come here. - Me? I'm supposed to be working.
- What are you up to?
You're here visiting your nan. (LAUGHTER)
Do you have no shame?
Giving up family time to steal my limelight.
(LAUGHTER)
Get out!
Maybe I'll just start with one and see where I end up.
- OK.
- OK, so -10.
So that's -19.
OK, let's go for a plus 'piss.'
- Got minus again. (LAUGHTER)
- So I'm at -40.
(LAUGHS)
-51.
Oh, no. (LAUGHTER)
- You love these minuses.
- I have to plus my way out of it.
-51.
-40.
-29.
-29 divided by 14.
So it's basically negative two.
No.
- Really loving the― - Shut up.
- OK. - Negative five.
Negative five divided by 14.
Roughly 0.3. (CLAMOURING)
- No, Alice. So I'm at -3.3.
I'm just gonna go for a piss to... (LAUGHTER)
- Feel free to go for a piss at any time. - There we go. (LAUGHS)
Come on. That's it.
That's it.
- What are you going for? - Five.
- She's looking for piss. (LAUGHTER)
- Three to go. Plus 'hay.'
- She's in. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you, Alice.
Yeah. Feel free to piss anytime.
- Well done on being the only contestant to write down their numbers.
- Thank you. I don't trust Paul. (LAUGHTER)
- I gotta say, Mrs Beard would be very impressed.
(LAUGHTER)
- I see you went for the Van Beek technique early, which is to go into the negatives.
- Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't call that a technique so much as a catastrophic event.
(LAUGHTER)
- Should we have a look at the scores, Paul?
- Alice, extremely impressive.
The target was 43. She got to 42.6.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Where does that leave the scores?
- One point for Jackie,
two points for Pax, three points for Bree,
four points for Jack and five points for Alice Sneddon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I am craving another task, Paul. - I know how 'tangry' you get.
(LAUGHTER)
It's hangry, but for tasks. (LAUGHTER)
So let's get the party started.
(DRAMATIC, QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
- Oh...
Paul.
- Hi, Paul.
- Yes, please.
- That's wrong.
Ooh.
(PARTY HORNS HONK)
- (SIGHS)
- (READS) 'Perform a party trick. Most impressive party trick wins.'
- 'Your party trick cannot last more than 30 seconds.'
- 'You have until the studio record of episode eight.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- Can you do any party tricks currently?
- I can dislocate my left shoulder. You want to see that?
- No, not at all.
(CROWD GROANS)
- Can you hit my hand?
(GROANS)
You son of a bitch, Paul! (LAUGHTER)
(GROANS)
(LAUGHTER)
Pretty cool, eh? - Really good.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, this is gonna be fun.
So how long have these guys had to prepare their party tricks?
- At least five weeks.
- All right, I think we're gonna start with Bree.
- Oh, no. - OK, Bree.
So, go up on the stage, perform your trick.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)
(LAUGHTER, WHOOPS)
- Wow. - Whoa!
- Yeah! (CHEERING)
- Wow. (LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
Whoa!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(BANG!)
- I'd hate to follow that act, to be honest, Alice.
- Oh. Come on. (LAUGHTER)
- You're up next. - All right.
- JACKIE: Go Alice. - JACK: Go Alice.
Oh.
- This is a game of Three Card Monty.
These are also cherries.
I will be, uh, tying a knot in this while we do it.
Ah. Anything in there?
- She's wearing a wire. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, so this is going in.
So all you need to do is follow the queen.
See that? - Mm-hm.
- Everyone see that? Here we go.
OK. Don't lose concentration.
OK. Where's the queen?
(EXCLAIMS)
And, there you go.
Isn't that incredible?
- It's knotted. - Hey, let's go!
- OK, Pax is up next.
(CHEERING)
(CROWD CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY)
(CHEERING)
- Kind of worked― Kind of did it. - So you went on each finger.
- I went on each finger. Should I try one more time?
- I think you just need to explain that you're doing each finger.
- Well, I wouldn't have need to explain it if I nailed it.
(LAUGHTER)
(CROWD CLAMOURS)
(CONTESTANTS GROAN)
(APPLAUSE)
- Jackie, would you like to go up and perform your party trick?
- Happy to.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS)
(CROWD WHOOPS)
- Wow.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, the sock.
- Yes!
(SULTRY MUSIC GETS FASTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- The reverse striptease.
- Yeah.
- So, as a party trick, you turn up undressed?
- I tend to do. Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Jack Ansett. - Yes, Jeremy.
- Your party trick.
- So, for my party trick, Jeremy, I made a Facebook event for my 27th birthday party.
It was a dress up party, and I invited about 100, um, so, people to it on Facebook.
Um, and the trick part was all of those people knew that the party wasn't real,
um,
except for Paul.
(LAUGHTER, CLAMOURING)
I guess we play the clip.
(UPBEAT, TRIPPY MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(LAUGHTER)
LAUGHS: Hi, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
(ANIMAL GRUNTS)
(LAUGHTER)
(CLAPS SLOWLY)
What do you reckon?
- (SIGHS) - (GIGGLES)
- So, what was your party trick?
- That there's no one here.
- Mm.
Are you happy with that?
- LAUGHS: Yeah.
(CACKLES)
Thanks, Paul. (LAUGHS)
Very happy.
(LLAMA BLEATS)
- Thank you, Jack. - See ya. (LAUGHS)
Wow. That went according to plan, I'd say.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Paul looked genuinely angry about that.
- Yeah.
- How long were you wearing the costume for?
- So...
- Tell them, Paul. (LAUGHTER)
- I was going into the Taskmaster office that day,
and decided to save time, I would wear the costume all today.
(LAUGHTER)
- I saw you that day.
- And I felt bad that you hadn't been invited to Jack's birthday.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, so one point for Pax. - Oh, (BLEEP)
- Two points for Alice and her magic trick.
I think three points for Bree,
four points for Jackie Van Beek and the reverse burlesque...
- Thank you.
- And I'll say five points for Jack Ansett's party trick trick party.
- Thank you, Jeremy. - Well earned. - Well earned.
- The party don't stop until we need to fulfil our contractual obligations to advertisers,
which is right now. We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora ano. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
If you're just tuning in, you've just missed out on watching Jackie Van Beek get dressed.
(LAUGHTER) I'd like another task, please, Paul.
- Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones,
but those in paper towers shouldn't be on a trampoline.
(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)
- Hello.
Oh. Hello, Paul. - Hello, Jackie.
- G'day, Paul. - Hello, Bree.
Hello, Alice. - Hey, Paul.
- Hello, Jack.
- Oh, the old trampoline.
- Hello, Pax.
- I had a trampoline like this when I was a kid, actually.
- Really?
- You got to have the net these days.
- Or what?
- Like, cos once I was on here when I was a kid,
and then I fell and landed in the middle of one of these springs.
It's actually quite triggering for me, but... anyway. (LAUGHTER)
- All righty. (READS) 'Build the toilets―'
(LAUGHTER)
- 'Build the toilets―' (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
- 'Build the tallest toilet paper tower.'
- 'Toilet paper tower.' There's the toilet paper. Toilet paper―
'In the middle of this trampoline.'
- 'Tallest toilet paper tower wins.'
- That's a tongue twister, Paul. - Mm-hm.
- 'You have 10 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- Do I have to? - Yeah.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I was fascinated, Jack, that you had a spring trampoline.
Cos I just kind of thought your general belligerence
was the result of that generation of yours being cotton wool-parented. (LAUGHTER)
- No, my mum didn't give a (BLEEP) (LAUGHTER)
She were too busy, you know, inside with her Chardonnay.
Just―
Oh, sorry. She's here. - She's here tonight.
- I was just about to say your mother is here.
- I think she did the best with what she was given.
(LAUGHTER)
- Fair point, yeah.
- Who's up first, Paul?
- They have the same birthday and nearly the same name;
it's Jackie and Jack A.
- Is this all the toilet paper that you have available to me?
- You think you need more than that?
- Yeah.
- OK. - I'll be back.
- Can you give me a hand, please?
Because I'm gonna lift all of this onto the―
- I'm not gonna help you with that, sorry.
- Are there any other toilets in here?
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
- Tallest tower.
- Toilet. Toilet. A-ha.
- I need, like, a big circular kind of ring.
- OK. - Yeah.
- OK. In hindsight, that wasn't worth it.
But I'm gonna get started. (LAUGHTER)
If someone could do a shop, because there's no toilet paper left in the house.
- Oh, this is good. This is better than mine.
- How much time do I have? - Seven minutes and 34 seconds.
- Oh my God, OK.
- Do you wanna have that central? - Yeah.
- Kind of equidistant from kind of these ends and these ends.
- Gotcha.
- This is just a tip for you if you ever want to do this.
- I need something to make sure it doesn't fall over.
Do you have a problem with this? - No.
- Sweet.
- When you said you're not gonna help ― which I find cruel and unfair ―
would you be able to pass me the toilet rolls?
- OK.
So you think that's a toilet paper towel?
- Yes, Paul. - OK.
- Just pass them nicely and quickly, please.
Not too quickly, hold on. - Sorry.
- If I get off...
OK.
Yes.
- See? Now... You see?
- You know, they didn't build Rome in a day, Paul.
And you've given me seven minutes.
- You actually had 10 minutes, but you spent the first two minutes
getting one and a half rolls of toilet paper from your toilet. (LAUGHTER)
- What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna actually take height off.
- So you're not going to add to the height? You're just going sort of girth?
- Could you just come over here so I can touch your shoulder, please? Ready?
- Oh, I can just do...
(GROANS)
- And it's all about being quite, kind of, polite to the tower.
Like, going...
- (GRUNTS)
- ...'Do you feel OK?'
- (WHIMPERS)
I'm gonna go one more. I need to stand on something.
- 12 seconds.
(TRILLS WHISTLE)
(APPLAUSE)
- Jack, you didn't think it was an overestimation of your abilities
when you looked at that giant tower and you thought 'You know what? I need three more rolls.'
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah. I think it's an oversight on the production staff
that they only allowed one and a half toilet rolls for, what, 30 crew?
(LAUGHTER)
- How are the heights, Paul?
- Jackie ― 1.29m.
Jack ― 1.43m.
- Ooh, nice. (CROWD OOH'S)
- Up next ― you've heard of a six pack,
Well, here's a one Pax.
(LAUGHTER)
- I feel like sunning my asshole right now.
- What does that mean?
- Like, I point my butthole to the sun.
- How are you spelling 'sun?' - (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Just cos we are filming this. - (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
S-U-N, man.
- OK. S-U-N. (LAUGHTER)
- I'm not gonna point my asshole at a small boy.
- OK, well, I just want to clarify. - That is―
Have you started the time? - Yeah. You have eight minutes 55. - Aw, shit. Damn.
(LAUGHTER)
How much time do I have? - 7 and a half minutes.
- Ah, that's heaps of time.
- You got 6 and a half minutes. - Shut up!
How much time do I have left? - Five minutes.
- (SCOFFS)
Oh my God, bro.
How much time do I have?
- One minute and 58 seconds.
No, no.
- (GRUNTS)
This actually works, dude.
Paul, try it with me.
- Does it still work if there's no boy?
(LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
There's an entire camera crew over there.
And I guarantee you, all the men are sons.
Either way, it'll work. Trust me.
- I'm on the clock.
You got 20 seconds.
You don't want to just stack one on top of the other?
- All right. For you.
- (TRILLS WHISTLE)
(APPLAUSE)
- So the message, Pax, that you're sending your children and future generations
is that when the going gets tough, sun your asshole.
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
It's quite hairy down there, so it is difficult for it to get in.
It is quite rainforesty down there.
- Yes.
How tall was Pax's tower?
- 23cm. (LAUGHTER)
- More toilet paper towers, please, Paul.
- It's the ladies and the tramp.
It's Bree and Alice.
- Should we do a quick game of Crack the Egg?
- You've only got nine minutes, 15 seconds. - Yeah, but it'd be kind of fun.
- Do you want to just give me a hand with this?
- No, sorry.
- Double bounce.
- Just come grab the other end of this.
- I'm not gonna grab the other end of that.
- Come on, Paul!
- Paul, please.
- No. That's the, sort of, whole part of the task.
- Oh, (BLEEP) sake, Paul, this is such a waste.
- We'll use it. - You don't reuse this.
- What do you mean, reuse?
- (GRUNTS) - You cracked me.
- If that was the challenge, I feel like I'd win.
- What are you going for here?
- I'm going through the middle of the tramp.
- Wow.
- Where'd you get all this toilet paper from? Did you stockpile it during Covid?
- Yeah.
- How tall have other people gotten?
- I reckon Pax is about six foot.
- Are you a folder or a scruncher? - I'd rather not say.
- There's no way you reused this toilet paper.
- How come? - Cos it's clean.
- You're 100% a folder.
- We don't use it and then reuse it for the task.
- I bet you get clean wipes.
- We reuse it. And then...
And then it flushes.
- So you're going to wipe your bum with this?
- Big time. (LAUGHTER)
- Do I have to be off the trampoline, Paul?
- All the information you need is in the task.
- I knew you were gonna say that.
- (GRUNTS)
- What's up?
- Can I rip a hole in the tramp?
- (EXHALES)
(GRUNTS)
Aww.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
That's all right. We got time. How much time, Paul?
- One minute and 59. - (BLEEP) Not that much time. (LAUGHTER)
- I'm happy to not rip a hole in the tramp,
as long as you can guarantee me that this counts as one full tower.
- Oh, no! Oh, no! Disaster has struck.
- I need your word that this counts as one tower.
Otherwise, I'm ripping a hole. What's the time?
- You got 52 seconds.
- OK, so you have five seconds.
- I shouldn't have stood up. It was a bad idea.
Oh my God.
- Three... - I don't think you can even rip a hole that fast.
- ...two― OK.
- I told myself I wasn't gonna get flustered today.
I'm flustering.
- Are you gonna try and rip a hole?
- Oh (BLEEP)
- 29 seconds.
- Oh, you bastard.
- Are you trying to saw a hole with a chalice? - (LAUGHS)
- Oh my God!
- LAUGHS: Yes.
- Five seconds.
- Should I go for one more, Paul?
- (TRILLS WHISTLE)
- (LAUGHS)
- How's that, Paul? - It's good.
Are you happy with that? - Yeah.
- You want to measure it? - I usually measure once you've left.
(LAUGHTER)
- Of course you do.
- And what if the Taskmaster says it's two different towers?
- Well, then we'll have to fight.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, Alice. - No worries.
- Thank you, Bree. - Thanks, Paul.
Oh, God.
(APPLAUSE)
- Bree, it's good to finally meet someone like me
who assesses every person they meet as either a scruncher or a folder.
- Mm-hm.
Can you say what all of us are?
- Absolutely. I've got a real gift for it.
- OK.
- Folder.
Folder.
- Don't.
(LAUGHTER)
- Strangely, I'm getting a bidet vibe from you. I don't know why.
Folder, folder.
Am I correct? - Yep, correct. 100%.
- I'm straight into the bathtub.
(LAUGHTER)
- Should we look at some stats? - Yeah, let's do that.
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, I could chat toilet paper all night, to be honest, but...
- Bree ― 1.5m.
Alice's...
Do you count that as one tower?
- So there was a bottom part underneath the tramp, right?
- Yes.
- And then that was touching the tramp.
And then there were a whole lot more on top of the tramp.
- Yes. - Yeah, I count that as one.
- OK. - That's a tower.
- With that being accepted, Alice's tower was 1.87m.
- Ooh. - Ooh.
- Still not that high. (LAUGHTER)
- Which means one point for Pax,
two points for Bree,
three points for Jackie,
four points for Jack,
and five points for Alice Sneddon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Next up ― the greatest live task in the history of this episode.
(LAUGHTER)
But first, some ads. We'll see you shortly.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Almost time for our live task.
But first, Paul, let's get a little score update.
- Leading the pack with 20 points,
It's Jack. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Can you believe it?
- It's Jack's episode to lose.
All right, contestants, please head up to the stage for our final task of the show.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, Paul, who's reading the task tonight?
- Bree Tomasel.
- Here we go.
(READS) 'Burst the balloon six seconds after Paul says 'burst.'
'Crack the soda cans six seconds after Paul says 'crack.'
'Pop the champagne six seconds after Paul says 'pop,'
or bang the confetti six seconds after Paul says 'bang.'
'Closest to the time wins.
'There are four rounds.
'You may only do one action per round.
Your time from each round will be combined.
'If you do the wrong action, you will be given a 20 second penalty.'
- JACK: Ah. - JACKIE: What does that mean?
- So, can you say that again? So― burst, crack, pop, bang.
- So just to clarify. - Can you say it one more time?
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. We've really upset them.
- Are you ready for round one?
- Ready. - Yep.
- I was walking down the street when I felt a blast of wind shoot past me.
Boom!
It set off a snap and hit me like some champagne.
I married a rat. Clang! Snap! Crack!
Launch confetti. I felt like a balloon exploding.
Rapture and fracture. It's time for a soda.
(LAUGHTER)
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)
- Round two.
It's time for a soda.
Swoosh! Marry a rat.
Step on a snap. Explode!
When I blast confetti, I drink soda pop.
Snap the concrete and shoot the champagne.
Four, five, six ― I felt like a balloon exploding.
Rapture and fracture. - (WHIMPERS)
God. (POP!)
(LAUGHTER)
- That was hard.
- Round three.
I shot a glance at a glass of champagne.
Boom! Confetti fills the sky.
I crack a smile and snap my fingers ― smack.
A balloon hits me. This song is a bop.
The champagne pours and the soda flies.
Can you do the cancan? Yes I can.
You must do one action each round.
- I did. - I did.
- Alice?
(LAUGHTER)
OK, this is the final round.
- Oh my gosh.
- Crash, bang!
I hit the bottle like a drum.
Do the balloon, open the can.
Give me confetti. I want champagne now!
Blast! Boom!
(APPLAUSE)
- Go, Pax. - I think mine's broken.
- You have to twist it. - Which way?
- Different ways. - So you follow the arrows.
One hand goes one way. One hand goes the other way. - Down here. Down here.
(BANG!) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right. Come on down and we'll score it.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Let's assign some values to these people's efforts.
- So, the first round was a can,
second round, champagne,
third round, can,
fourth round, confetti.
So now, the total time difference across the four rounds.
Alice was off by 27 seconds, but she was correct 100% of the time.
- That's good. - Nice.
- Pax, 29 seconds, but again correct 100% of the time.
Jack, 14 seconds.
- Ooh.
- Jackie, 12 seconds.
- Oh! - Ooh.
- Both correct 100% of the time.
- How did we do it?
- Bree was only five seconds difference... (ALL GASP)
...but was wrong twice. (ALL GROAN)
- Right.
- So with the two 20 second penalties, her time difference was 45 seconds.
(ALL GROAN)
That means one point for Bree, two points for Pax,
three points for Alice,
four points for Jack, and five points for Jacqui van Beek.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - How does she do it?
- Unreal.
- OK, so what does that mean for our episode?
- That means for the first time in his life,
the winner of episode eight is Jack Ansett!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh my god!
- Oh. - Well done.
- Congratulations, Jack.
You are now the proud owner of some things Paul would love to have,
but he can't.
Head up on the stage and take your bounty.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thanks, everyone. We'll see you next time.
Po marie.
(THEME MUSIC)
- Time to go, everyone.
(CHEERS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Curtains up. Light the lights.
It's opening night.
- I'm back for more.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kind of beautiful. Kind of poetic, if you think about it.
- (VOCALISES)
(BOTH VOCALISE)
- I went for harmony. - Oh, I don't know what that means.
(ALL SING ON TOP OF ONE ANOTHER)
- So this is sort of the scene, like, in One Day More in Les Mis.
- It's only one day more! (LAUGHTER)