Paul!
- Yes!
- Hi, Mum.
- Au revoir!
- Yah! - Oh. - No!
- Ah!
- Nau mai, haere mai. Welcome to Taskmaster. My name's Jeremy Wells,
and I am descended from a man named Giuseppe Wells, who invented the idea of giving things points.
He raised a family of point-givers, who eventually produced me,
the greatest point-giver of them all.
And thus, I was chosen to be...
the Taskmaster.
We are just one episode away from finding out which of our five comedians will win this ―
a bust of my head, made with asbestos...
...and painted gold with 80% lead-free paint.
Wow.
- But first, we have to find out who will win Episode Nine,
so let's get things started by introducing the comedians fighting for glory ―
or at least minimum embarrassment.
It's Alice Snedden...
...Bree Tomasel...
...Jack Ansett...
...Jackie van Beek...
...and Pax Assadi!
And, as always, to my left, he's the EA who's just OK ―
it's Paul Williams!
What's the prize task tonight, Paul? - Great question, Jeremy.
Tonight, we've asked our contestants to bring in the thing that looks the most like them.
- OK. Bree, let's start with you. What's the thing that looks the most like you?
- Hwell, Jeremy, uh,
I think we can all agree that
matching DNA
is, uh, very close,
so I brought in my dad.
Aww.
- I don't know about you, Jeremy. - I think we look pretty close.
- Did you just do this so you could make the show pay for your family member to come over from Australia,
by any chance? - I have no idea what you're talking about, Jeremy.
Jackie, what did you bring in?
- Jeremy, I was walking through a store a few weeks ago
and came upon an object that literally took my breath away.
It was like looking in the mirror. I can show you now.
Um, I mean...
- ...not only the physical form... - Mm.
... I think...
...um, but also, I do have a kind of emanating light that comes from my palms.
- Yeah. - When people are around me, they say they see my head, you know,
kind of glowing with ideas. Um, and so I think spiritually and physically, the perfect match.
- It does look like you would voice that character in an animated film.
Yeah.
- Pax, what have you brought in? - Jeremy, baby, I really, um...
...I really struggled with this prize task.
I told my family, 'I need to bring in something that looks like me,'
and my 8-year-old ran into her bedroom, and she brought out her...
her lion stuffed toy, and I thought she was bang on.
And then I said, 'Can Daddy take that to the show?' And she said, 'What will happen to it?'
And I said, 'Well, if Daddy loses, which is highly likely, um...
'...the other contestants will have to take it.'
And she said, 'No, Dad. I really would like it if you didn't, because that was a gift fromGrandma.'
So I've brought in this.
Yeah. I waited till she went to school
and I stole it from her bedroom, and, um...
- So you're putting so little effort into the prize task now, Pax, that you're outsourcing it toyour kids?
- Yeah. Yeah. I do still think it resembles me quite closely.
Certainly hairy. Mm.
- Sometimes, the most obvious things are the best things. Sometimes.
Not in this case, but sometimes they are.
- Alice, what did you bring in? - You know, I'm a tall person. I'm 5'10.
Gun to my head, 5'9, but, um...
...I recently noticed that I'm out of proportion.
So, I'm all torso. Like, look at me on this chair right now. - Yeah.
- I'm, like, a head taller than everybody else.
My legs are actually tiny, and my arms are actually pretty small, and my back's very wide, sonaturally,
I look like a, um... a frog.
Just to, um, get the point home, I've done a side-by-side.
Oh.
- That is sexy. That is sexy. Yeah. - It's very... Yeah.
- Wow. - That's spot on. - Yeah.
- Jack, what have you brought in? - I constantly get compared to this one person, like, allthe time.
People are always like, 'Oh my God, you look like, um, this guy,' right?
Here he is.
Yeah. Um...
We get it all the time. He's even here. Let's bring him out.
- We get it all the time. - Holy hell!
It's uncanny.
Oh, and speaking of all torso...
The resemblance is crazy! Oh my God.
- I was so worried that you'd brought in David Bain. - Me too. I was terrified.
- Yeah. Thank you. - Whoa.
Alice, um, I'll be honest ― he was not available.
- I think we can get a view of the side-by-side comparisons.
That's gonna help me judge, to be honest. - Oh no.
Can we have a look? Oh, here we go.
OK, it's clear ― Jack, one point. - Uh, he said he was a bit nervous about coming on theshow
cos he's on his, um, bulking off-season.
So am I.
- Pax, two points for you. There's a similarity there with the hairiness, but that's about whereit stops.
Now, Bree,
that's freakily similar,
but I think three points for you.
- Four points for Jackie van Beek. - Thank you.
- Old and waxy, much like the... - Old and waxy?!
- ...candelabra.
And that's freaky, Alice.
Five points for Alice Snedden.
All right, I'm ready for the first task of the show, Paul. - You got it, Jeremy.
Not too hot, not too cold ― this task is just right.
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Bree.
- Ooh.
- Goldilocks.
Paul.
Do you like Goldilocks? - I always felt like she was a bit of a bitch to the Three Bears.
Like, it's their house. - Yeah.
'Pick the right one. The right one will have a bear in it.
- 'Most bears found wins.
- 'You get one guess per section.
- 'You may not touch the items in any way.'
- Great. OK. 'Your time starts now.'
- Right, I'm ready to see some contestants try to find some bears, Paul.
- It's Mama Bear, Papa Bear and Baby Bear, and it's up to you to decide who is who.
It's Alice, Bree and Pax.
- I feel like this bowl's too big.
This bowl's too small. This one's just right. I think it's that one.
- I'm gonna go this one.
- Big boy.
- Come on, Paul.
- This is not the right porridge.
- That feels like a bear. - There is a bear in the porridge.
It's good. Good batch.
Yeah. You like a little rolled oat, you little bitch.
- That seems unnecessary. - Fair enough.
- So where's the bear in this situation? In the upholstery?
- Is there anything on the bottom? - Nothing on the bottom that I can see.
- Let's go little guy. - That one.
- I'm gonna go that one.
Paul?
- There's no bear in the chair.
The chair does not contain a bear.
- Well, I'm gonna pick that one, cos I can see the GoPro,
and I'm just hoping that is indicative of something.
- That one.
- This one.
- There's no bear in the bed.
The bed does not contain a bear.
- There is a bear in the bed. - Come on, Paul!
- Can I not touch the items in any way, but...
Hope you feel really big.
- Red book.
This middle one.
- That one.
- Shit.
- There's no bear in here.
The book does contain a bear.
- Too small, too big, just right.
- You're locking those? - Lock it in.
- Them.
- Let's go little guy.
Paul.
- 's sake! - There is no bear in the shoes.
The shoe contains a bear.
- What hat would you wear if you were part of the Merry Men?
- Gotta go feather. - I mean, fair enough.
Could you do a jig for us, Paul?
- It did make me merry. - It made me merry.
- There. Lock it in.
Don't talk to me; don't look at me; don't touch me. That one.
- That one.
- This one.
's sake.
- The hat contains a bear. - I am the best person in the world.
- In what? - Finding small toy bears.
- Let's go with little guy.
- That one.
- Lock in the slipper.
- There is a bear in the boot.
There is a bear in the slipper.
There is no bear in the boot.
- We ended on a win. And what do we do when we end on a win, Paul?
- Thank you, Pax. - Thanks, man.
- Thanks, Paul.
The RIGHT one!
- What? - 'The RIGHT one will have a bear in it.'
- Alice, just a wee bit too late figuring that out. That has to be frustrating.
- That― Yeah, that was excruciating.
So often, I would go into these tasks and go, 'Go in with a good attitude. Be light and breezy,
'read the thing, pay attention ― everything will go all right.'
And then the minute I see Paul, I just go into a completely different zone.
- Yeah. At one point, you said to Paul, 'You like a little rolled oat, you little bitch.'
I'm just observing what I see in front of me.
- So, the three of you sort of went with the Pax Assadi strategy of just vibing it out.
- Yeah. - It was real frustrating, and...
- You guys got so many bears, though, it felt like.
- I got― - Yeah, my vibes were good that day.
- Well, at one point, you thought you were the best person in the world. - Yeah. Hmm...
I still think that.
- How did we go in terms of the amount of bears?
- Bree ― two out of seven.
Alice ― one out of seven.
- Pax ― five out of seven. - Ooh! - Wow.
What the hell?
- Join us after the break for more frustrating last-minute realisations.
For example, I could have picked anyone else to be my assistant,
but now it's too late to do anything about it. I'll see you after this.
- Kia ora ano. Welcome back to Taskmaster, the show that tricks its contestants with fiendishpuzzles
based on wildly complicated ideas
like left and right.
- That's right, Jeremy. So far, we've asked three of our contestants to point to the rightthing.
Up next, it's Goldilocks and the one brunette.
Hold on ― so, 'Pick the right one.'
Oh, see, I thought it was a clue. Like, the RIGHT one.
Is it always the RIGHT one?
- That is something that you would do. That is definitely something you would do. 'Pick the right one.'
- Could be a double bluff. 'Pick the right one.' Well, I'm not gonna do that.
Or am I?
- I'm just gonna commit, I reckon, and do all of the right ones.
- I'm just gonna go that one, actually.
- Porridge contains a bear.
- OK, I'm just gonna see if my theory is correct. I'm gonna guess this chair.
Yes!
There's a bear!
There is a bear in the chair.
- That's interesting. This one...
has staples all around it. It's been quite tidily kind of stapled up.
I'm going to go this one.
- There is no bear in the chair.
- I accuse this of having a bear in it.
- The bear could be hidden anywhere.
This is just a― This is just a guess. This is a game for idiots.
- Yes! - There is a bear in the bed. - I am a genius. I am a genius.
- I'm gonna go Baby Bear.
Oh, man. - There is no bear in the bed.
Sorry, Jackie.
- The right book. The right book.
- The World of the Children, because I love children.
- Yes!
- The book does not contain a bear.
- I accuse these Doc Martens of having a bear in them.
- So it's this one.
- The shoes do not contain a bear.
- OK, the issue I'm having is that there's no logic, OK? I'm somebody that kind of likes a pattern.
I like a logic. There's no logic to where the bears are hidden.
I mean...
That one.
- I accuse this... cowboy hat.
- Yes! Yes!
Yes! - The hat contains a bear.
- That one.
I'm going this one.
- Finally, this
slipper.
- Yes!
- There is a bear in the boot.
- Well, it's safe to say I nailed that, eh? - Mm-hm.
- So, what have I learnt? I've learnt that there's no logic.
No thought's gone into the preparation of this task, clearly.
It's a task for idiots.
- Oh my God. - So, you figured it out, you then were immediately proven correct,
and then you immediately chose the wrong chair.
No, I think I worked it out...
...and then I thought, 'It's a double bluff.'
And then I forgot to check that old theory of the RIGHT one,
and I completely went from my mind, and I just went by spinning madly in a field.
Well, you said it yourself ― this is a task for idiots.
I'm scared to say this, Jack, but ― well done.
Oh, thank you. Yup. Yup. That was very well done. It was good.
- Good on you, man. - Thatwasreally good.
- I think the best thing to do is just nod and say thanks.
- Oh, yeah. That's what I'm doing. I'm just, yeah, keeping a― Keeping a lid on it.
- So, let's have a look at the scoring, then, in terms of bears.
- Jack ― seven out of seven. Jackie ― three out of seven. - Not bad.
- You should've got seven, but anyway. - I know.
- So that means one point for Alice, two points for Bree, three points for Jackie, four points for Pax
- and five points for Jack Ansett. - OK.
So, how is the scoreboard looking, Paul?
- Incredibly tight. Three of them are on six.
With a one-point lead, on seven, Jackie van Beek!
Whey!
- Should we do a series score update?
It's very tight between four of our contestants...
...and Pax is having a lot of fun.
- I'm just happy to be here.
- Out in first on 136 ―
- Jackie van Beek. - Whey!
That's close. That's close. - Tight. - OK.
I'm ready for another task, Paul. - Yes, sir.
Our first task was simple, but this one is elementary, my dear Wells.
Hello, Bree.
- Paul Williams. - Hello, Jack.
- No relation to Guy Williams? - No. - No.
How are you?
Sorry.
- Ooh.
- Uh-huh.
Detective.
- It's a good look. - Right way?
'Write and perform an original one-minute scene to be included in an imagined musical...
- '...about the life of Sherlock Holmes.
'Your scene must include a musical number and focus on his early childhood.'
- ' ...and focus on his teenage years.
- '...on his years at university.
'...on his life post-graduation.
'...on his later years and death.
'You have one hour'?! OK. 'Your time starts now.'
- You a big Sherlock Holmes fan― - No.
- Like, was he a real person? - No.
- This, I like.
I look like Pakistani Gandalf.
Maybe his parents ―
one of them was having an affair, and he was the one who cracked the case.
# Sherlock Holmes. #
- REPEATS, MORE TUNEFULLY: # Sherlock Holmes. #
- Wow, so much better when he did it.
# Watson.
# How could you deceive me,
# you dirty, dirty, British piece of shit? #
- Pax, do you think a British Sherlock Holmes
would say to Watson, also British ― - Yeah.
- do you think that he would call him a 'dirty, dirty, British piece of shit'?
- Well, in this imaginary world, Sherlock Holmes is Pakistani, and so he would, because, you know,
300 years ago, they took us to their land to do work, and then they realised that was a badidea,
because we have weak upper bodies and thin ankles.
- All right, Paul, I am ready for Holmes ― the Musical.
- Curtains up, light the lights ― it's opening night.
Act One ― here's his childhood through to his university days.
It's Sherlock Holmes as performed by Bree, Jack and Jackie.
# Oh, Mum and Dad, oh, I am sad...
# ...cos I just found out some bad information.
# I saw Dad
# with his golfing buddy, Brad,
# but they were getting different types of hole-in-ones.
# How dare you, son? I was on a run
# when I slipped and fell on top of my friend, Brad.
- I have proof!
# What say you
# to these photos of you and your friend, Brad? #
# I'm sorry, son.
# That can't have been fun
# to find out this big secret about me.
# Actually, Dad...
# ...it felt great,
# and really gave me purpose
# in this world.
- # Cos you were gay... - # Cos I was gay...
- # I found my way. - # I found my way.
- # I found my way in this world because of you...
# cos you were... #
gay.
- # Looking out the window. - It's a Tuesday.
# Stuck in my room,
# no friends to play.
# Pressure of the world
# on my shoulders.
# I don't wanna be a cop, Mum, I already told yas.
# I don't wanna be Sherlock Holmes,
# Sherlock Holmes,
# Sherlock Holmes!
# I wanna work in the mines
# and make a decent wage.
# I don't wanna be this almighty sage.
# I don't wanna be Sherlock Holmes,
# Sherlock home-schooled,
# Sherlock Holmes! #
I just wanna be...
...me.
# Tick, tock, tick, tock. I am a university professor
# waiting for Sherlock Holmes.
All right, guv. 'Ow do you wish to waste my time today, then?
- # I read your exam. - Yeah?
- # Why do you answer every question
# with just another question? #
- That's a good question, guv.
# He's right.
# I spend my life
# asking who, what, when, where, how?
# This is a turning point for me. # - # ...turning point for you. #
Go for it, Sherlock.
- Now, I may not make class today, sir.
In fact, I may not be back ever.
But fanks, yeah?
- What a journey through time. - Wow.
OK. There's a lot to unpack there.
So, just to be clear, Bree... - Mm.
- ...his father was having a gay love affair with his best friend, called Brad?
Yeah, his golf buddy, Brad.
And he figured out he wanted to be a private investigator.
And he was snapped at a place called Gay Club.
- Very popular back in the '80s.
- So, um, Jack, you took over the teenage years. - Yes.
- And just to be clear, Sherlock Holmes wanted to earn a decent wage working in some mines?
Yeah. Yeah, man.
He was Sherlock home-schooled, um, and...
- It was your classic reverse Billy Elliot.
- Yeah. - Ah. Why were you climbing through a window?
- So, I was escaping into the skies, and I said to Paul,
'I want you to make it that I'm flying through the sky,'
but I don't think they had the editing budget.
And then, Jackie, you were the only person
who included dialogue in yours.
- I was absolutely obsessed with musicals when I was younger.
I would spend all of my school holidays, like, listening to the cassette tape of Annie
and then stopping it and writing down the words, and then I'd perform the entire thing for my parents
and their drunk friends.
- Yeah. OK. - I have to say, when I think of you, I think of musical theatre.
- Do you? - Yeah. - Amazing.
- When I think of you, I think of candles. - Yeah.
Thank you.
- Now, before we get into the second act of this musical, it's time for a quick intermission,
so please go purchase an overpriced beverage, use the bathroom and then return for your seats.
We'll see you in a moment.
- Hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster, the show that asks the question ―
what if you took something with the quality of a poor high school musical and put it on the television?
The answer ― six seasons and counting, baby. All right, Paul.
I'm ready for the grand conclusion of Sherlock Holmes the Musical.
- We've seen the classic story of Sherlock Holmes so far ―
raised by a gay father, pining for the mines and dropping out of university.
Now it's time for the later years of Sherlock's life.
It's Pax Assadi and Alice Snedden.
# Job, job, job, job. I need a job, job.
- # Why
# is it
# so hard
# for me
# post
# uni...
# ...vers...
# ...ity? - # Job, job, job, job.
# I need a job, job.
# Job, job, job, job. I need a job, job.
# Job, job, job, job.
# I need a job, job. #
Watson, the officer will see you now.
# Job, job, job, job.
# I hope he doesn't
# get my job. #
I guess it's just a life of self-employment and independent contracting for me.
- Good afternoon, Holmes. - How are we feeling today?
Elementary question, Watson. I'm dying.
I believe this paralysis didn't come on naturally. Someone, Watson, wants me dead.
# The clues were there all along,
# my good friend.
# Every time you check my chart,
# the poison slowly doing its work,
# a jealousy fills your heart.
# It's true I've always lived in your shadow ―
# always the sidekick, never the star.
# But now, I'm afraid to say, dear Sherlock, you've gone too far. #
That's the cue to stop the music.
Thank you.
I knew it was you, Watson. - No one will believe you.
- Oh, really? There's one thing you didn't count on, my friend. - What's that?
I'm actually a Kiwi bloke from New Zealand.
And everyone will believe me, because everyone around the world loves and trusts New Zealanders
for no particular reason, like Taika Waititi and Steven Adams...
...and, for a while, Jacinda, but then it went bad for her, kind of. Not sure why. It just did.
No, no, no, Watson, don't―
Oh, damn, oi.
How did I not see that coming?
- Alice, some great lyrics there ― 'Job, job, job, job. I need a job, job.'
- It is a catchy tune.
- It is. - It is, yeah. - It's a really catchy tune.
- # Job, job, job, job. - # Job, job, job, job.
# I need a job, job. #
- There's something in it. - I will also say in Alice's defence ―
the camera crew were singing that song for two months.
- Pax, it's not often that you see West End performers with the lyrics in their hand.
I quite liked the way you tried to make it relevant to a New Zealand audience.
I thought that was quite good. - Yeah, I thought― I knew that Kiwis sitting at home wouldsee it.
I wanted them to feel seen, so I made Sherlock Holmes
from Gisborne. - Yeah.
I didn't think that Sherlock Holmes' last words were going to be,
'Oi, damn, oi.'
OK, so, I've gotta judge.
- Just before you do that, though, can I just say one thing? - Sure.
- # Job, job, job, job. - I need a job, job. #
- # Found my way. # - # I don't wanna be
# Sherlock Holmes. # - # I found my way― # - # When, where, how? #
# Job, job, job, job. #
- So, this is sort of the scene like One Day More in Les Mis. - It's totally One Day More.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
- Oh, damn, oi.
- OK. Look, everybody was good, all right? I liked all of them. But one point for Alice...
- What?! - Someone's gotta get one point, all right?
- Never before after receiving one point has it been more relevant to say ―
# Job, job, job, job. I need a job, job. #
- Two points for Pax ― maybe just bit off a few too many plot twists at the end.
Uh, three points for Jack. Good song. Catchy song. - Yes.
- I couldn't quite understand why you were coming out of the window. - Because it was a metaphor for...
flying.
- Jackie, four points for you. I liked the spoken word part. - Thank you.
- And then, I gotta say, very impressed with Bree. Five points for Bree Tomasel.
- I didn't know I had it in me!
- I am actually ready for another task now.
I'd actually prefer it if this one didn't involve any singing, if we're OK.
- I'll make some calls and see what I can do.
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Jackie.
- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Bree.
- I'm back for more! - Good.
We need you to do all the tasks. - Yeah, so...
- If you could just keep coming back... - OK.
- How are you going? - I'm good. How are you?
- Not good. - What's up?
- It's just been a really hard 20 months.
20 months?
'Get a...'
'Get a former contestant to say the phrase...
'"Hippo on a log with a purple wizard hat on."
- 'You cannot say any of the words on the blackboard.' Got it.
- 'You must let the contestant speak.
- 'Every time you speak, you must start with the words Paul is holding on his cue cards.
- 'Fastest wins. Your time starts now.'
- How do I get hold of the former contestant, for a start?
The telephone.
- It's an incredible piece of technology. You can basically talk to anyone, even if they're not
immediately around you.
- Oh, look at that. They're all here.
- How am I gonna pick?
- I love all these people.
'Use without Google account.'
I'm assuming that's the hippo.
- That's the thing. How does that help me in any way? - It doesn't.
- What have you been struggling with for the last 20 months? - Just...
Just life.
You know, I just― I just have so much darkness inside me.
- All right, let's see our new contestants make some of the old contestants say some words.
- Hip, hipp...opotamus! It's Bree and Alice.
- People say Brynley Stent and I look very similar.
- Hello, Matt speaking. - Yes, but... Guy, it's Alice.
- 'Guy, it's Alice'? - Yes.
Is this Guy Montgomery? - I think this is Matt Heath.
- It's, um... It's not Guy Montgomery, no.
This might be the wrong number.
- Hello, Brynley speaking. - Hi, Brynley. It's Bree.
Hey, kind of on the clock. I am currently doing a task.
- Is this a part of it, that it's the wrong number? - It wasn't meant to be, no.
OK, Matt, this is with all due respect ― I don't think you're the man for the job.
- I don't know what the job is, but, uh, if I'm not the man for it, then, uh...
No. Oh, but now I feel bad. OK, it. We're just gonna do it.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Find something to write down.
First word is kinda like rhino, but it's not.
- First word is kind of like rhino, but it's not?
OK, hippo. Hippopotamus.
- The second word is not 'off', it's...
- On. - Ummm, yeah.
- That's perfect. And then a really small word.
- A? It?
- Y― First one.
Yes, but... that was correct.
- Like a version of wood. What would you call that? You'd put it on the fire.
- On a log? - Yes!
- Hippopotamus on a log.
- No, not at all.
- OK... So, I'm assuming that means 'yeah'?
- Brynley, this is why I love you.
Think of a joining word.
- You'll order a burger and you'll say, 'That...'
- Fries? - Oh, Jesus.
- With! With! With! - Yes! Yes, Brynley!
- And then another single-letter word. We've already used it. We're using it again.
- Hippo on a log with a... - Yes. OK, great.
- That's perfect. Now, run through all the colours of the rainbow,
but a basic rainbow. - Yellow, orange...
- Green, blue, red...
- Purple? It's not indigo? - Yes!
- Purple. - Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes, purple. Oh―
- Purple. - Yes.
- What do people say about Harry Potter? He's a what?
A TERF. No, that's, um, JK Rowling. He's a wizard.
- Yeah, it's kinda like that, but also... it's kinda like that.
- What do you put on top of your, uh, head? - A hat.
- Yes. Ummm, yeah.
- And the opposite
of off...
- ...is on!
- Say the whole sentence again.
Yes! It's kinda like that, but yes, Brynley! Come on!
- Perfect. Oh my God, Matt, I'm so sorry I was such a bitch at the beginning.
That's all good.
- So, first things first, Alice ― do you think Guy Montgomery
would've been better than Matt Heath at that task?
Cos, I mean, having scored both of them, I can honestly say yes, he would've been.
Actually, he was incredible.
I know he's a friend of yours, so, um, kind of just keep that in mind.
Did I hear you say the word 'purple' there?
I cannot speak to what you have or have not heard.
- She also said 'wood', which is also a banned word.
But Bree also broke the rules... - Mm.
- ...by saying 'rhino'. - I cannot speak to what you did or did not hear.
- Well, let's call it there before we call another former Taskmaster contestant.
I wonder if we can spot any other former contestants in the following ads. We'll see you afterthis.
- Kia ora ano. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five comedians are competing to win a soft toy and two new flatmates.
Where are we, Paul? - Our comedians were calling up former Taskmaster contestants
with the hopes of getting them to say the phrase 'hippo on a log with a purple wizard hat on'.
We've seen Bree and Alice; here's Jack and Pax.
- I actually think I might go for someone that will have no idea who I am.
Who's not gonna know me? - I think probably a lot of people.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, boss.
- Hey, Josh, can you do something for me?
- I'm just on set at the moment. - Yeah, well, I know you're on―
- He sounds busy.
I'm gonna try Paul Ego.
- Hello? - David, this is Pax.
- Paul speaking. - Hey, Paul, it's Timmy here from The Coast Morning Show.
How are you? - Good, thanks.
- I just woke up. - I don't care that you just woke up. I really need you right now.
- I'm gonna ask you a question. All you have to do is give me an answer, OK?
- What's a big old African animal in water?
- Um... - It's big. It's grey.
- Oh...
- Uh, hippo...potamus.
- Yes, but I turn the lights off and you turn them...
- On. - That, but bigger. Correct.
- Complete this phrase, OK? Huzz...!
- Huzz-a.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
- It's another word for a turd. - A log.
- That, but bigger.
- I'm gonna go to the pools 'something' my mum.
- Call my mum. - Don't call your mum!
Ummm, yeah, no, not really.
- This isn't sounding very legit. Like, you sound very much like Jack Ansett.
No, I'm not Jack... Ansett.
- I'm gonna go to pools 'something' my friends.
- Fun with my friends. - What do you mean?!
- I'm gonna go to the pool...
excited with my friend! - I think I called the wrong person.
- Paul, nothing in the task says I can't reveal that it's Taskmaster.
So let's just get through this.
- Oh my God. You called me on my birthday, so my head's not really in the game.
Is it your birthday? Happy birthday, man.
- I'm gonna go to the pool with my friend.
- That...
That, but bigger.
- I'm gonna go to the pool without my friend.
That's perfect.
- What's next to B?
- A. - Yeah. Stop. Shut up. Shut the up.
- What... - ...colour was Barney?
Purple.
- Yes, it's kind of like that.
- What is Gandalf? - Wizard.
- No, not at all.
- Witch.
- If I put something on my head, I'm wearing a what?
- Hat. - Correct! No, not at all.
- Sometimes I turn the light off and sometimes I turn it... - On.
- Paul, now say all of that together.
Yeah!
- Put it all together.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! But do it in order of what we started with.
Hippo...
No.
- Just gonna take that? - It's mine.
- Pax, did you see the season where David Correos was on Taskmaster?
Not only did I see the season, I'm friends with David Correos
and knew that it was a mistake from the beginning.
We're two individuals where English was our second language.
When it comes to you guys, I don't think that's the issue.
Jack, why did you pretend to be Timmy from The Coast Morning Show?
I thought that he would be less likely to hang up if he thought it was a game on live radio.
Pretty clever, right?
- He was doing a game, but on a TV show. - Yeah.
Why are we picking this apart?
- I don't think you're comfortable in your own skin.
I don't think you're comfortable in being who you are.
I don't think you've found the real Jack Ansett yet. - Jackie, you're the one
- wearing a wig. - What are you talking about? How dare you?!
- That's her real hair. - That's her real hair, man. - That's my hair.
- How dare you? That's not... - Oh, I'm so sorry.
- That is not on. - That is not OK, Jack.
- I― I― Sorry... - I'm so sorry for presuming... - Apologise to her
right now. - Oh God. - I have been called
old and waxy today...
...and now you accuse me of wearing a wig?
- I'm sorry. It's just very shiny. - Get on your knees and apologise, Jack, now.
- OK. - Do it. Get on your knees. - On your knees.
And apologise.
Kiss her feet! - Don't touch my shoes!
- I'm really happy this has overshadowed how shit I was. - Oh, Pax, we remember.
We remember, mate. We remember.
- Well, hold on, because there's one person left.
- Calling in the army of Madeleine Sami, it's Jackie van Beek.
- Hello? - Hi, Mads, it's Jackie.
- Hi, mate. How are ya? - I'm really good.
Yes, but...
I'm on
Taskmaster and I need, um... - Yeah.
- ...you to help me out a little. Just say these words as I spell them.
H-I-P-P-O... - Hippo.
That, but― but bigger...
- Hippo! - That's perfect.
O-N... - On.
- Yes, but next one.
A. - A.
- Yeah, it's kind of like that, but... yep, yep.
We're gonna keep moving on. L-O-G.
- Log.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
W-I-T-H.
- With. - A...
No, not at all, but, yes, we are gonna carry on.
A. - A.
- Exactly. It's kind of like that, but here we go...
P-U-R-P-L-E.
- Purple. - Ummm, yeah.
W-I-Z-A-R-D.
- Wizard!
- That, but bigger voice, even. This is so great.
- H-A-T. - HAT!
That's perfect. And lastly, O-N.
- On!
- Yes, but I couldn't have imagined anything better.
That's it. And I'll give you a call later to catch up. Love you. Bye.
Nailed it.
- Seeing someone spell out the words ― such an obviously good strategy,
I can't believe no one else thought of it.
- I can't spell, or else I would've done it.
- I don't know if I've said this on the show before, but I did an undergrad BA at Victoria University
majoring in English, specialising in Linguistics, so something like that―
- No, that's definitely come up on the show before. - It has. And also, Jackie,
- I don't have NCEA Level Two. - Wow!
- OK, so how are we gonna score this? Cos― - Well, times first.
- Yeah. - Bree ―
14:58,
but she did say one of the banished words.
Alice ― 5:48.
- Ooh. Whoa. - OK.
- Very speedy. She did say two of the banished words.
Jack ― 16:40, and he said one of the banished words. - Ah.
Pax... didn't complete the task.
But he took 21 minutes and nine seconds.
So the time to beat is Alice's 5:48.
- Jackie took 3:57. - Oof! - Ooh.
Wow.
- And Jackie was the only person not to say one of the banished words. - Yeah. OK. So...
I think one point for everybody... - OK.
- ...apart from Jackie van Beek ― five points. - OK.
- Wow! - There we go. Wow.
- Thank you. - I'll take it. I'll take it.
- So, join us after the break for the second-to-last live task of the season,
and while you've got some time, why not call your friend
and get them to say 'hippo on a log with a purple wizard hat on'?
How hard could that be? We'll see you in a moment.
- Nau mai, hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the greatest show on this channel at this time in the history of the world.
We're about to head into a live task, but first, I'd love a cheeky scoreboard update, Paul.
She's storming away with it ― with 16 points, it's Jackie van Beek.
- Would you all head up to the stage, please, for the live task?
All right, what's happening here, Paul?
- Jack Ansett, please read this task. - OK.
'Fan your ping pong ball around the race track. First to cross the finish line wins.
'You may not touch your ball
'in any way.
'If your ball goes off course, Paul will place it back on the starting line.'
- What do you mean, 'off course'? - Like, do you see this course?
- Yeah, but― So you mean if it goes outside of the thing? - If the ball goes off it,
then Paul will put it at the start. - OK, are you ready?
On your marks.
Get set.
- Get out of it, Jackie van Beek! - Get it! Oh!
- Oh God. - Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Oh no!
Now's not the time to up, Jack...
Oh, Jack― Jackie!
- You cannot stand on the ramp. - OK!
- Don't stand on the ramp. - 57kg. I forgot!
Where'd my ball go?
Oh, it's over here. - I forgot.
- Whoa! Ah!
- I now see why there's a bench. - Oh! Oh! Oh!
- ...why there's a bench! - Oh! Oh!
- ! Hey! - Bree.
How did that happen?
- Oh. - I don't know how I ended up there.
I can't believe they're still going.
OK, come on down, everyone, and we'll see who's getting the points.
OK, come and sit down.
And let's score it, Paul.
- A frantic race. Alice was last ― one point.
Bree, second to last ― two points.
Pax managed to go off the side of the ramp and leapfrog from last place into third place.
Three points for Pax, four points for Jackie and five points for Jack Ansett.
- Wow. - Five. Yup.
- That means the winner of Episode Nine with 20 points is JVB ― Jackie van Beek.
Told ya!
- Congratulations, Jackie. Your dream has finally come true ― assuming that you had incredibly specific dreams
- about the other contestants. - Please, go and collect your prizes.
One more episode down and only one more to go. But what have we learnt?
Well, we've learnt never to rely on David Correos.
And we learnt # Job, job, job, job, job, job, job. #
But most importantly,
we learnt that Jackie van Beek is the winner of Episode Nine!
Captions by Rebecca Scholtz.
- Look at that!
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025
- Welcome back to the season finale of Taskmaster.
Marvel at these five deeply weird human beings.
- Huh?
- We've seen them fall...
I'm in over my head.
- ...and rise...
- ...but mostly fall.
Ahh!
- What the hell?
- Soon it will be over, and you can go on Reddit and complain about how I score things.