Mel invents ‘Rowing whilst Flowing’

Never one to pass up an opportunity to rap on camera, Mel invents the sport “Rowing whilst Flowing”, a freestyle rap rowing contest in which you must row a boat around the lily pads on the lake, but may only row your boat while you are flowing. Each contestant is given a one-word prompt for their rap.

Tom Cashman goes first, and his randomly generated prompt is the word ‘cemetery’. The lyrics to his rap begin as follows:

I’m rockin’ in a cemetery
I’m not being sedentary
I’m rowin’ in a boat
This is bigger than a moat
It’s a lagoon

At this point, Tom has reached the lily pads, and Mel points out that he has stopped flowing but is still rowing. He then continues:

I don’t know the direction
I don’t have an erection
But neither my [starts laughing]
How is this so bad?
I don’t understand
I’m now going the wrong way once again

At this point, Tom is almost back to the start of the course, and starts laughing again. Mel blows a whistle and tells Tom that his time is up. When she asks him how he feels it went, he describes it as the worst performance of anything he’s ever done.

Mel takes her turn, and her randomly generated prompt is the word ‘grimace’. The lyrics to her rap are as follows:

Grimace, Ariane Titmus
She’s a swimmer from Australia
She’s the best, and I’m the rest
The ducks on the lake
I think they are fake
I’m stuck in the weed
I’m getting no leads
But I’m rowing while I’m flowing
Yes, I’m rowing while I’m flowing
That is the chorus
Please don’t bore us
I’m rowing while I’m flowing
Just doing my rhymes on the lily pads
Jeez I’m not bad
Someone went to a school
Where this was a sport
And I can freestyle
A cappella off my dome
Holiday? Where am I going?
All the way to Rome and Greece
But it looks like nice
You’d better think twice
Because you’re gonna lose this sport that I’ve created
Is that a victory?

Mel then floats over the finish line.

In the studio, Tom Gleeson says he feels that they are going to see her rap a lot during the series, prompting her to start rapping again, saying:

Yo, bro, because it’s hard to say
Because I just don’t know, but Rhys is gay

Tom Gleeson then asks her if they were wearing life jackets during the sport for safety, or to cover her “mum’s spaghetti” (a reference to the lyrics of Eminem’s Lose Yourself. When Mel responds that it’s nice that he’d recognised the culture that she sometimes relates to, he says that some would argue that she’s appropriating the culture. Mel responds that hip-hop is a mind state, not an area code.

Mel earns 3 points.

(Written by JoGo and proofread by Karl Craven)

(Illustrations collected by JoGo & Will G and adjusted by David Fuller)